#video #The King of Queens S03E03 Ctrl Episode 3 Engsub
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00:15it's breakfast and you're eating a piece of candy dessert there is no dessert with
00:23breakfast maybe not where you live we at least take your vitamin my god you're a time bomb
00:47what you got going on there bub trying to swallow the vitamin with a light saver in my mouth
00:56wow you're like the evil knievel of sucking candy
01:00wish me luck
01:10I got it and welcome back butter scotch goodness
01:21my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight
01:27I'm sitting here in traffic on the queensburg bridge tonight
01:32but I don't care cause all I wanna do
01:38is cash my check and drive right home to you
01:43cause maybe all my life I will be driving home to you
02:05howdy
02:06oh hey
02:07you're home
02:08thought you were gonna go pick up those patches for the screen door
02:11well I was and then I thought that sounded like a good errand for you
02:16ooh orange julius
02:19okay honey I told you before if it's empty by the time you get home leave the cup in the
02:23car don't come in here showboating with it
02:26sorry
02:27sorry so did you get me anything
02:28um as a matter of fact yes I did
02:33oh look at this
02:34hi shirt you get to be draped across my nipples
02:37congrats
02:39okay well you two get acquainted I'm gonna go put this stuff away
02:44hey dad
02:45look at this
02:46four more break-ins on casino boulevard
02:49it's getting so you can't walk out the door anymore
02:51well you can walk out the door you just can't go left
02:55that's not the point
02:56a man should be able to walk out his front door
02:58turn right turn left or walk right out into the street if he wants to
03:02don't make me lock in the house dad okay
03:06oh hello
03:08hmm
03:08that shirt looks sexy on you
03:10does it I hadn't noticed
03:14hi I'm Doug I'm a Pisces I like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds
03:22work it baby work it
03:24I got the trash babe that'll be our deal every time you buy me a shirt I take out the
03:28trash
03:28oh that's okay honey I got it
03:29I got it
03:30no really it's fine
03:31what is this
03:33Barry's big and tall shop
03:35what oh that's trash baby
03:39you got my shirt at the big and tall shop
03:41did I
03:43no I don't think so
03:45oh I got myself something there
03:46what
03:48a barrette
03:48oh stop it Carrie
03:50you got my shirt at the big and tall shop and you were hiding the bag from me
03:53okay fine I'm sorry
03:55oh man I can't believe this
03:57at most I thought I was like the biggest size at Macy's
04:03when did I make the crossover
04:06two years ago Christmas
04:09oh god
04:10come on honey what's the big deal it's just a big and tall store
04:14oh yeah well let me break it down for you
04:15I'm certainly not tall
04:20you're tall sure you're tall what are you 6'2
04:23I'm 5'9
04:26that's pretty damn tall
04:27oh would you come on
04:28alright maybe you're a little bit
04:32big
04:32why is this even a discussion
04:34the man is gargantuan
04:39okay what else came from the big and tall shop
04:41tell me what this belt
04:43my jeans
04:43my cowboy shirt
04:45what a few things might have come from there
04:49I don't know
04:49okay fine then let's go the other way with it okay
04:51what didn't come from the big and tall shop
04:55okay I will show you
05:03the thing is
05:04they use very good fabric
05:08there's nothing in there is there
05:09yes there is
05:14this
05:14okay fine
05:15great
05:16well you know what
05:16this is what I'm going to be wearing
05:18for now on
05:19so you better get used to it missy
05:21okay
05:26I can't feel my hands
05:36hey babe what you done
05:38looking at myself in various stages of fatness
05:42look at this come here
05:43watch this
05:44you can actually see me gaining weight
05:47hey
05:50watch this
05:51and there goes my neck
05:54okay
05:55would you stop this now
05:56here
05:57just watch some tv
06:05oh my god
06:06I'm fatter than the skipper
06:08okay
06:08enough
06:09this is normal
06:10I knew I wasn't slim
06:12or even normal size
06:14just seeing that bag
06:15you know
06:17you were really overreacting to this
06:19I mean you are totally attractive
06:22so you
06:23you still love me
06:25of course I still love you
06:26I love you no matter what
06:31what does that mean no matter what
06:33nothing just that I love you
06:35no no matter what means you love me
06:37even though I have some sort of problem
06:38like no job or no money
06:40or biggie can't fit through a doorway
06:44okay
06:44I take it back
06:46I love you
06:47that's it
06:47period
06:47come on Carrie
06:48I'm being serious here
06:49let's go
06:50you're telling me right now
06:51you have no problem
06:52with that area in here
06:56nothing
07:00well you know
07:01for health reasons
07:02I would think
07:02no no
07:02I'm not talking about health here
07:04okay
07:04let's assume I'm in perfect health
07:05and I don't have that flutter
07:08I want to know right now
07:09am I as sexy
07:10and attractive to you
07:11as ever
07:12huh
07:12is this it for you
07:13am I perfect
07:17well
07:18I guess it wouldn't
07:20kill me
07:21if you lost a little weight
07:22uh-huh
07:23okay
07:23and
07:24how much weight
07:25would it not kill you
07:25for me to lose
07:28I don't know
07:2850 pounds
07:2950
07:29alright less
07:32whatever
07:32you made me say it
07:34I can't believe
07:34you said 50
07:35Doug come on
07:36you know I love you
07:37no matter
07:37uh
07:38this is
07:39this is unbelievable
07:40you know here I am
07:41walking around
07:41thinking everything's great
07:42meanwhile you're
07:43smuggling in my clothes
07:44and hating the way I look
07:45no I don't hate
07:47the way you look
07:48okay
07:48but yes
07:49I admit it
07:50you could
07:51lose a little weight
07:52but Doug come on
07:53I'm sure there are things
07:54about me you wish were different
07:55that you hold back on
07:56you're perfect
07:58yes
07:58right
07:58hey look
07:59when you start getting
07:59the old lady whiskers
08:00I'll let you know
08:01but for now
08:03you're fine
08:04Doug come on
08:05this could be really good
08:06for our marriage
08:07I mean if there are things
08:08bothering us about each other
08:10we should just get them out there
08:11you know it's healthy
08:14I guess
08:15alright so come on
08:17hit me baby
08:20uh
08:22I guess maybe
08:23sometimes
08:26you wear a little
08:27too much makeup
08:35what do you mean
08:38just
08:38you know
08:39all that goop over there
08:40sometimes I think
08:40you could just
08:42back her down a notch
08:46okay
08:46this is stinging
08:47more than I thought it would
08:50so you really
08:51think I wear too much makeup
08:52no just you know
08:53like if we're going out
08:54for burgers
08:54you know
08:54and I throw on a pair
08:55of sweatpants
08:55and a baseball hat
08:57you look like you're
08:58going to the opera
09:01or you're in the opera
09:07okay
09:11I will try to
09:13wear less makeup
09:14well this is great
09:15alright but we're
09:15going to do this together
09:16okay
09:17and I'm going to
09:18join a gym
09:18and start to diet
09:19I'm going to whip
09:19this body into shape
09:20because nobody's
09:21calling me
09:21Fatty McButter
09:22Pants anymore
09:25somebody called you
09:26Fatty McButter
09:27Pants
09:28online at the bank
09:29yesterday yeah
09:32and it took
09:33seeing the big
09:33and tall bag
09:34to push you
09:35over the edge
09:47okay
09:48I've dieted for the last
09:49eight hours
09:51granted I was asleep
09:52but I can feel it
09:53something's happening
09:56and I have almost
09:57no makeup on
09:59take a good look
10:00around fat
10:02look at this house
10:03because you ain't
10:03coming back here
10:04no more
10:07by the way
10:08I'm joining the gym
10:09on the deacon's
10:09family plan
10:10so if anybody calls
10:12he's the man
10:12I share my life with
10:18Carrie
10:18I'm not putting it on
10:20I'm just looking at it
10:23sparkly
10:26okay
10:31darling
10:32let me introduce you
10:34to Frank
10:34aka Mr. Safety
10:38Mr. Safety
10:39reading about this
10:40recent crime wave
10:41may be concerned
10:42for your well-being
10:43just sit him
10:44on the passenger seat
10:45in your car
10:46when you're going
10:47to work
10:47and the carjackers
10:48will move on
10:49to easier prey
10:53dad I take the subway
10:54to work
10:54well then
10:55take him on the subway
10:56with you
10:59he has
11:00no legs
11:02pretend
11:02he's an amputee
11:06dad
11:07how is a legless doll
11:09going to protect me
11:10on the subway
11:11why are you being
11:13so difficult
11:14I'm trying to save
11:15your life
11:17oh forget it
11:20nope
11:30what's up ladies
11:32alright
11:33let's light this game
11:38what's up
11:39what's up
11:56my blood runs cold
11:58my memory has just been told
12:01angel is a cell phone
12:03angel is a cell phone
12:22a little help
12:45hello douglas
12:48so
12:50you uh
12:51you got your guy
12:52at the table now
12:53huh
12:54that's right
12:55ne'er-do-wells
12:56could be casing
12:57our house
12:57as we speak
12:58yeah then why
12:59are you playing
13:00pinochle with them
13:01because moron
13:02if I don't treat
13:03mr. safety
13:04like a real person
13:05they'll know
13:05he's a fake
13:06yeah well I gotta tell ya
13:07still weird
13:11what's up with the war
13:12frankenstein
13:14I just joined the gym
13:16and I might have
13:16overdone it
13:17gym huh
13:17throwing your money away
13:19I got two words
13:20for your friend
13:21dynamic tension
13:21in your bag of rice
13:23gallon of milk
13:24and a rubber band
13:25and I'll give you
13:26a workout
13:26you won't soon forget
13:30don't work out
13:30with my milk
13:31okay
13:32I'm telling you
13:33it works
13:34look at the shape
13:35I'm in
13:36I weigh exactly
13:37what I weighed
13:38when I was 12 years old
13:57she's a super freak
13:59super freak
14:00she's super freaky
14:01now
14:03what was that
14:04you are not gonna believe this
14:06at work
14:07I got all these compliments
14:09about the no makeup thing
14:10I mean people are telling me
14:11I look great
14:11and like
14:12younger
14:13really
14:14yes
14:14and I actually got carded
14:16at lunch
14:16and then I went to
14:17two other places
14:18got carded again
14:19I'm not gonna lie to you
14:20honey
14:20I'm a little looped
14:23well that's great
14:24well great for you
14:25it is great
14:26isn't it
14:27I mean we decided
14:27to be more honest
14:28with each other
14:29you know
14:29set some goals
14:30work on some stuff
14:31and we did it
14:34yeah we
14:35we did it
14:36yeah
14:37you're done
14:42wow
14:43it's like
14:44I thought my makeup
14:45my eyes stand out
14:46in this really great way
14:48and my mouth
14:49is so naturally pouty
14:52I'll tell ya
14:53this telling each other stuff
14:54was the best thing
14:55we ever did babe
14:59you know there is
14:59other stuff
15:02huh
15:03there's more things
15:04that you could work on
15:05about yourself
15:05you know
15:07there are
15:08couple yeah
15:09well how come
15:10you didn't mention it
15:11the other night
15:11I don't know
15:12I guess I didn't want
15:13to dump everything
15:13on you all at once
15:14like I thought this
15:15makeup thing was gonna
15:15be hard enough for you
15:16but now
15:16okay
15:18like what
15:19um
15:21your accent
15:22my accent
15:23it's a little thick honey
15:25okay
15:26well what the hell
15:27am I supposed to do
15:27it's the way I talk
15:28talk
15:29see that right there
15:29talk
15:30alright so what are you saying
15:31after seven years
15:32all of a sudden
15:32my accent bothers you
15:33it's not a question
15:34of it bothering me
15:35I mean look
15:35are you smart
15:36sure
15:37do you sound smart
15:45okay
15:45um
15:46so
15:47what else
15:47your laugh
15:48my laugh
15:49yeah
15:51well I thought
15:53people think my laugh
15:54is fun
15:54I guess
15:55if you think
15:55loud scary noises
15:56are fun
16:00okay
16:00so what else
16:01what else
16:02nothing else
16:02come on
16:03tell me
16:03is it my forehead
16:04what
16:05last week
16:06I told you
16:07my hairdresser
16:07said I had a big forehead
16:08you said it was fine
16:09but you were lying
16:10weren't you
16:12to protect you
16:13yes
16:27hey fellas
16:30could I speak to Arthur
16:32in private
16:34he's for safety
16:35that's all
16:38watch this part
16:39all right come on
16:44let's go
16:45I'm coming
16:47I'm coming
16:49I'm coming
17:00from Columbia Pictures
17:02comes a comedy
17:03about a happy-go-lucky
17:05polygamist
17:06and his five
17:07very different wives
17:08it's your classic
17:09boy meets girl
17:10meets girl
17:11meets girl
17:12meets girl
17:13meets girl
17:14story
17:16honey
17:17I'm home
17:22what's up with her
17:23how can five women
17:25have a headache
17:26I'm gonna say not
17:31oh my
17:38hey D question for you
17:39yeah
17:42do you ever feel
17:43bad about yourself
17:44so you tell Kelly
17:45there are things wrong
17:46with her
17:48just to
17:48you know
17:50hurt her
17:53you're asking me
17:54if I mentally
17:55abuse my wife
17:57yeah
17:59no I don't
18:00me neither
18:03wait
18:03does this have anything
18:04to do with why Carrie
18:05was acting so
18:06freaky last night
18:08it might
18:08I don't know
18:10what did you do
18:11well first
18:12she told me
18:13that I could stand
18:13to lose little weight
18:14so I told her
18:16to wear less makeup
18:17to work on her accent
18:20her laugh
18:20and her huge forehead
18:22I'm sorry
18:23her huge forehead
18:25alright
18:25maybe it's not
18:26freak show material
18:27but she'd draw some looks
18:30step aside bro
18:32you are messed up
18:33how am I messed up
18:34Carrie tells you
18:35you have to lose weight
18:36which is like
18:36come on
18:37and you tell her
18:38she has to work
18:39on her forehead
18:40how the hell
18:41do you work
18:41on a forehead
18:42hey
18:42I had to eat
18:43baby carrots
18:44at the movies
18:45yes
18:45alright
18:45nice work
18:46on your relationship
18:47sounds real healthy
18:48hey
18:48you know
18:48don't judge me
18:49Mr. Black
18:50Dr. Joyce Brothers
18:51okay
18:52you're tall and thin
18:53you don't understand
18:54my issues
18:54I don't want
18:55to understand them
18:56yeah
18:56alright
18:56walk away
18:57that's right
18:58tallie
18:58woohoo
18:59I'm big
18:59yeah
19:00have fun ducking
19:01under doorways
19:01I'm on this now
19:02I hate
19:04me
19:29what's going on
19:30I lied
19:31what
19:32I lied
19:33okay
19:34hey I'm not
19:35Fatty McButterpants
19:35I'm Fatty McLiarpants
19:38what did you lie about
19:39about all that stuff
19:39I told you was
19:40wrong about you
19:41you know
19:41I made it all up
19:43because I was suffering
19:44I wanted to drag you
19:44down with me
19:45man I'm not even
19:47Fatty McLiarpants
19:48I'm Fatty McEvilpants
19:50alright
19:50could you stop
19:51saying what you are
19:52with the words
19:52fatty and pants
19:53around it
19:54and just
19:54let me process this
19:55for a minute
19:57so you have no problem
19:58with my accent
19:58no
19:59it's regional
20:00it has character
20:02am I laughing
20:03a burst of energy
20:04and this football field
20:06up here
20:06I love your forehead
20:08okay
20:08I'd carry it around
20:09in my wallet
20:09if that was any way
20:11workable
20:12I can't believe this
20:13I know
20:14I was so out of line
20:16it's just that
20:17you came in so happy
20:17and I
20:18couldn't get my shoes off
20:20so I flailed at you
20:22I'm sorry
20:23you forgive me
20:23no
20:25I don't forgive you
20:26I mean you had me
20:27walking around
20:27acting like an idiot
20:28you made me feel
20:30really bad
20:31about myself
20:32Doug
20:32I know
20:33I didn't mean to
20:35you did mean to
20:36that was the whole point
20:38right
20:39I guess it was
20:40yes
20:42I'm sorry
20:43well no
20:44no
20:44I don't forgive you
20:46you don't
20:47no
20:47never
20:48no
20:48I mean what you did
20:50was horrible
20:51I mean I
20:51I'm sorry Carrie
20:53oh okay
20:53you know
20:53it's not gonna cut it
20:54buddy
20:56hey how about this
20:58how about this huh
20:58how about you think
20:59of another thing
21:00that you don't like
21:00about me
21:00something really hard
21:01to fix
21:02right
21:02then I'll have
21:03the weight
21:04and the new hard thing
21:05that's two hard things
21:06and you'll have
21:06nothing huh
21:07what do you say
21:08there sugar
21:10well that's not bad
21:13okay
21:14so come on
21:15hit me
21:15gloves off
21:19your hair
21:20my hair
21:23thinning
21:25in the front
21:26a little
21:27in the front
21:28yes
21:30and in the
21:31back
21:34and on the side
21:37you're really
21:38starting to enjoy
21:38this aren't you
21:39a little bit
21:41Mary
21:42they got to him
21:46I'll kill you
21:47you vicious
21:47thugs
21:50ironic isn't it
21:51the only one
21:52Mr. Safety
21:53couldn't protect
21:54was himself
22:22he couldn't protect
22:23hey
22:24give me your wallet
22:31all right
22:41eh
22:42so
23:00mhm
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