- 15 hours ago
Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 2
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00:03In 1997 MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting. This is that meeting.
00:19Direction, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing.
00:22Your Majesty, thank you.
00:23I came as soon as I could.
00:25Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:26We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana this is a difficult time for the family.
00:39She was such a beautiful woman.
00:42Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent and morally upstanding you are.
00:50You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:54You're too kind.
00:55Since the death of Diana the public have turned on Prince Charles, but still one day he will be king.
01:01We need to make him look good.
01:03There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:06We have deduced that the only way to increase the likability of our future king is to decrease the likability
01:12of everyone around him.
01:14Mmm.
01:17I see.
01:18Well, I love my brother, I love my country and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:23We hoped you'd say that.
01:25We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:30To slowly but surely make the entire country think you are a...
01:34Well, have a little read.
01:42Huh.
01:46It's a...
01:48Hmm.
01:50Huh.
01:51We're aware it's a lot.
01:53And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:56Sadly, yes.
01:59Even the part about befriending a notorious paedophile?
02:03That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:07Before and after he's convicted.
02:09Right, okay.
02:10Of course.
02:11And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:14Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-arsed.
02:20This all seems very high risk.
02:22God, I'm sweating.
02:25Of course you are, Andrew, of course you are.
02:28But surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:32I mean, what about William?
02:33He's so handsome.
02:35We're seeing to that.
02:39And Harry?
02:41He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public will find it impossible to have a normal
02:46conversation about.
02:48Oh, heavens.
02:49I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:52Turn to page 72, it will.
02:56Gosh.
02:57I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:59Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:03Send in Agent Mandelson.
03:08Gentlemen.
03:10Peter Mandelson.
03:12The most honourable, ethical politician we have.
03:16No one will believe he's corruptible.
03:19I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:20The responsibility on our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:24And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:28Kind of.
03:31Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:34I'm in too.
03:35Oh, Fergie?
03:38Sorry I'm late.
03:40What do you need?
03:41Nothing, Fergie.
03:42You've done so much already.
03:46What's she doing here?
03:47We got divorced a year ago.
03:49Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:52You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:56I know.
03:57And I know I can do more.
03:59Go further.
04:00Be more odd.
04:02I could drop more nudes.
04:04Suck more toes.
04:06Make my walk even weirder.
04:13The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:17Live with him without explanation for the next 29 years.
04:22Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:25And remember, your highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll step in to
04:30save you.
04:31What's the code word?
04:32Pizza.
04:34Express.
04:36Woking.
04:39I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation.
04:43But I'll make it sound as natural as possible.
04:46Good man, good man.
04:47Well, here goes nothing.
04:50Gentlemen, thank you.
04:52And say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:55I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say...
05:00Live from London, it's Saturday Night Live!
05:11It's Saturday Night Live!
05:17With...
05:19Hammond and Emichon!
05:25Ayawade Bamboye!
05:32Larry D!
05:39Celeste Drey!
05:45George Fouracres!
05:51Anya Magliano!
05:57Annabelle Marlowe!
05:59Annabelle Marlowe!
06:02Annabelle Marlowe!
06:03Annabelle Marlowe!
06:04Al Nash!
06:08Jack Shet!
06:14Emma Ciddy!
06:19Annabelle Marlowe!
06:21Annabelle Marlowe!
06:22Paddy Young!
06:29Annabelle Marlowe!
06:41Annabelle Marlowe!
06:48Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dornan!
07:04Thank you, thank you.
07:07Thank you very much.
07:09I'm very happy to be here as the first ever host of SNL UK
07:13since the first ever host of SNL UK.
07:17My name is Jamie Dornan.
07:20I'm the star of The Fall, the Oscar-winning film Belfast,
07:24and, of course, your auntie's favourite dreams.
07:29Now, over the years, you know, it's fair to say
07:31you've all seen a lot of me,
07:35and by that I mean my arse.
07:39But there is another part of me that you've not seen.
07:44So tonight, I've decided
07:50to follow broadcast guidelines and keep it that way.
07:55But I will reveal something far more intimate about myself,
07:59because I'm not just a sex symbol
08:01who looks sexy in everything he does.
08:05I am also a guy who collects rocks
08:10that look like potatoes.
08:13Bring them out, boys. Come on.
08:21There are my girls.
08:25Look at these gorgeous little things.
08:27And no, this isn't a joke.
08:31God knows I wish it was.
08:35And if you Google
08:38Jamie Dornan potato rocks,
08:40you'll see that I'm telling the truth.
08:42Trust me, this is real.
08:44I look for these when I'm on holiday.
08:47I mean, this one looks exactly like a chip.
08:56You know, people say,
08:57well, you can't care that much
08:58because you've only got five.
09:01But that's wrong.
09:02If I cared less, I'd have way more.
09:04My standards are, like, very, very high.
09:08Like, take this one, for example.
09:11Can we get a close-up on this?
09:12I mean, isn't she beautiful?
09:15LAUGHTER
09:19Seriously, this is who you want to sleep with?
09:22Not me!
09:22Your rocks suck!
09:24I think they suck.
09:26Hang on, I recognise that voice.
09:27Is that Chris O'Dowd?
09:29That's right, it's me,
09:30your greatest enemy
09:31and personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.
09:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:37Yeah.
09:39What's going on?
09:42Yeah.
09:43Couldn't help but notice
09:44that you're showing off
09:46your spud rocks again,
09:49you pebble slag.
09:53Seriously, Chris,
09:54I mean, do you really have to
09:55turn up in the middle of
09:56everything I do and ruin it?
09:58Is that what you're going to do?
09:59Well, it seems that maybe
10:00I do have to do that, Jamie.
10:03Uh, OK.
10:05Um, I don't really...
10:06I mean, what do you want?
10:08Well, you are the man
10:09who's got everything, huh?
10:11But maybe you don't have
10:13everything.
10:14Maybe you're missing
10:15a little something.
10:20You've swapped one of my rocks
10:21for a potato?
10:22Yes, I did do that
10:23for some reason.
10:25And here's the best bit, huh?
10:29Smell it.
10:33I'm not going to smell it.
10:34Smell my spud, darn it.
10:39Yeah, that's right.
10:41It's not even Irish.
10:44Just domestic slop.
10:47OK, right.
10:48I'm sorry.
10:48I'm going to have to deal with this.
10:49We've got a great one for you tonight.
10:51Wolf Alistair here.
10:52So stick around.
10:53Enjoy the show.
10:54Right, come on.
10:55Oh, no, no, give me five, five, nine.
11:05Hola, amigos.
11:07We out here in Bristol Airport
11:09and we are going to España.
11:12España.
11:12The most beautiful place in the world.
11:15A country of art, culture,
11:17and culinary delights.
11:19And when we get there,
11:20there's only one place we're going to go.
11:23Wow.
11:27So the British is
11:28POP, POP, POP, POP
11:30Just like Britain, but in Spain
11:32It's the British team
11:33POP, POP, POP, POP
11:35It's run by Gary and Jane
11:37It's the British team
11:37POP, POP, POP, POP
11:40Newcastle shirt in a frame
11:41of the British team
11:42POP, POP, POP, POP, POP
11:45It's the British team
11:47I know a place that I've got to get to
11:49Package holiday, flying jet to
11:52Three euro beer, two euro shot
11:54It's just like the pub by my house, but hot
11:57Alicante, Mallorca, and Benidorm
11:59I don't want to speak Spanish in any form
12:02England football shirt in my carry-on
12:04So everybody knows I'm also from where they are from
12:08Everything we need
12:09Menus we can read
12:10On a big screen
12:11They go West Ham Leeds
12:13Come on!
12:14POP, POP, POP, POP
12:14Sex and while we brexit in the Spanish in my lexicon
12:16I'm wearing a sombrero even though DC's a Mexican
12:19I met a last repressed and I was sexing
12:21No protection
12:21Make a bunch of babies bring me back to the British team
12:24POP, POP, POP, POP
12:26We're in the Mediterranean
12:28POP, POP, POP, POP
12:31And we don't speak Spanian
12:33I always say import the walkers in my little pie here
12:37That's where the pork is
12:38HB, Worcester got all the sauces
12:40Menu so extravagant, I'm having four courses
12:43Eggs and chips
12:44Pasta and chips
12:45Fish, fingers and a frozen garlic bread
12:47I'm having ribs
12:48Kneel down in tribute and playing the hits
12:50Some burnt ladies are swinging the hips
12:52Oh, we're going to Ibiza
12:56Me and all my chicas
12:58To eat some chips and pizza
13:00I know the British thing
13:02POP, POP, POP, POP
13:04I'm playing darts with Tad
13:06British thing
13:07POP, POP, POP, POP
13:09Why does Melissa look sad?
13:13Un año en Joolingo pa este viaje
13:18Pero en el ba nadie me entuyende
13:22I don't know what you're saying.
13:31What the f*** are you talking about? Don't just make up words.
13:35Guys, this isn't right.
13:36We've come all this way just to replicate our own culture.
13:40Like, surely we should at least broaden our horizon.
13:42She's right. We're too narrow-minded.
13:44There's got to be more to Spain than British-themed pubs.
13:47Hey.
13:49I know, please.
13:55Follow me.
13:58To the Irish-themed pub, pub, pub, pub.
14:02Anything better than a British is an Irish-themed pub, pub, pub, pub.
14:07Even though they are quite similar, Irish-themed pub.
14:10Come on, you sexy mommas, I got the Irish-themed pub.
14:12Got no patatas bravas, but I got the plain patatas.
14:14From Dublin to Marbella, I've never tried paella.
14:17But I'm a lucky fella, cause I own an Irish-themed pub.
14:19I love it.
14:20In speed.
14:22In speed.
14:22I love it.
14:51It's just a awkward moment, tough-to-센 Bryce dreamer.
14:52I think about him.
14:52I've go had a new music.
14:52Amy she's alive and she stays that way if you listen carefully i need 250 grand in cash so i
15:01guess
15:01how much do you care about your girlfriend what what hi sorry um um it's just we haven't really
15:15been um saying uh girlfriend boyfriend um but i'm i'm really comfortable with like everything
15:22else you said so shut up i'm warning you i've got amy she's alive and if you want to see
15:33your friend
15:34just to clarify we are seeing each other like he's practically my boyfriend
15:46um yeah you got it you go go go go i've got amy she's alive god it would just literally
15:56kill me if you knew i was referring to him as my boyfriend
16:05okay so you're sleeping together yeah so basically we
16:12we were friends first um and then we had this kiss but it was just this like drunk thing like
16:17we
16:17didn't even speak about it which is like crazy like you would have thought like i'd have the
16:22confidence to like just bring it up but like i'm not an extrovert like what everyone thinks like
16:27like i'm hesitant to join a conga line for god's sake so yeah then like a few weeks later we
16:33um we
16:34randomly slept together and then we just like kept sleeping together and then you put me in the boot of
16:39your car and now we're here so like what would you just listen when i was watching you both through
16:51the tiny crack in the wardrobe door i thought you looked really comfortable together oh my god
17:02girl thank you for saying like i don't know like we do know each other intimately and like like i
17:09could describe his handwriting to you oh my god i'm so sorry i don't know why i'm getting so upset
17:17no of course i mean this is an intense situation i've got a gun i know i should just like
17:24not care
17:25but like he's so fit like he's like a fit version of you yeah i mean hey you don't have
17:31to tell me
17:32twice you know i i saw him when i was creeping on you okay like you can like totally say
17:39if this is
17:40crazy obviously but like do you think there's a way you could ask him where his head's at
17:48girl i gotta ask for the money anyway so of course
17:54just send it on my phone
17:57oh i i probably should have taken that off you before huh so i'll text him um no we're
18:04not married just instagram dm i have amy i need to know do you care about her do you want
18:17her to be
18:17your girlfriend do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing i mean what are your
18:23hopes for the future like do you even want to have kids and once i know all that i'll send
18:31through the
18:32demands
18:41hey if he won't pay if he won't pay 250 grand to stop me from chopping into little pieces then
18:46he doesn't deserve you oh my god he's typing
18:54he stopped oh should i send him another text no no don't double text
18:58um maybe we should upload an instagram story of your little girl hand and my boy oh my god okay
19:04it's genius oh my god he sent a video
19:10me yo listen i'm sorry that you were being held hostage like that and all that and all that stuff
19:15but i just feel like i really need to be single right now obviously like if you do escape then
19:22link
19:22me and um i can babe i'm coming babe oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my
19:30god i'm so sorry that's
19:32happened to you babe babe like i'm sorry this has happened to you like you clearly put so much work
19:36into like like setting this whole thing up no it's like so it's so not on that i'm gonna have
19:42to kill
19:42you now babe like in the spirit of being direct like i have taken your gun okay
19:50but i am gonna escape she's the ceo of her own future
20:00promise me you won't go back to him babe uh i will
20:16i don't know sweetheart it's one in the morning what are you doing putting the clocks forward
20:21daddy daylight saving time if we don't change the clocks tonight he'll get us who's gonna get us
20:28the time man he waits for us at the end of every year and brings the new one in with
20:32song
20:33he keeps the seasons in his pockets the keeper of the clocks the boogie woogie man
20:38jules holland
20:40that's just a myth eleanor it's true he brings the new year in with his hootenanny
20:46and every spring he flies across the country to check that we've changed the clocks
20:51and we've forgotten he imprisons our souls in his boogie woogie wonderland i know all the
20:55stories come on let's get to bed okay
21:01it's too late he's here who ladies and gentlemen olivia d
21:09five four better change of clocks i'm nearly here three
21:15two hello my face him later
21:21good evening everybody have you had a good winter
21:26jane cullen's here
21:31josh stone everyone playing a cut off her new album super deep aloud
21:36he wants his hour if we give him this hour then he'll go oh very good bang on time sting
21:42will be pleased
21:48he forgot the oven
21:51where's my hour
21:58big year for you dad what's next i think he wants an anecdote does it have to be funny not
22:04really tell the lovely people
22:05what's that's what's in store
22:07that's all been ended
22:09that's here everybody we love you we welcome you more jewels well i'm not called jewel holland am i
22:15hi hi jesse j what are you doing i forgot to change the clock
22:21summer
22:21you don't give me my hour why don't you join me
22:29in my boogie woogie wonderland
22:59forever
23:01If you need help with the crying or...
23:03I'm happy to give it a go with that.
23:05Yeah, me too.
23:06Okay, right.
23:06Well, let's just go for one.
23:08See what happens.
23:09Yeah?
23:10Rolling.
23:12The battle within.
23:13Take one.
23:17And action.
23:20Mother?
23:22I'm home.
23:29Oh, my son.
23:32Oh, my son.
23:36Oh, my son.
23:41Oh, my son.
23:43Oh, my son.
23:49So, so, it's her line.
23:50Oh, sorry.
23:51Sorry.
23:52Yes, so, Stella, a little quicker in on the line.
23:55Yes, quicker on the line.
23:56Okay, great.
23:56And remember, you're a mother being reunited with her son.
23:59Okay.
24:01Got it.
24:02Okay, rolling.
24:04The battle within.
24:06Take two.
24:08And action.
24:12Mother?
24:13I'm home.
24:15Oh, my son.
24:17Oh, my son.
24:24I've dreamed of this day.
24:28Do I seem very different?
24:31Well, um, I need to, I need to get a look at you to answer that.
24:38You look the same as ever.
24:41Oh, God, I, I missed you, Mummy.
24:43You know, I, I had the strangest time of the day.
24:48I've met this old man.
24:50Whoa.
24:51Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
24:53What's going on?
24:54Oh, I don't think that's the story, love.
24:56No, no, no, so, no, so, no, so, I wasn't, no, I was just leaning in to listen, I was
25:00like, what are you saying, sir?
25:03Okay.
25:04Yeah.
25:04So, Stella, you're playing his mother.
25:07Yeah, yeah.
25:08Okay.
25:08Do you think, um, the skirts may be, like, a little bit cinched for mum?
25:11Yeah, I'm not worried about that.
25:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:13Okay, we're losing time.
25:14Michael, we really need to get that speech.
25:16Are you happy to just go for it?
25:17Yeah, I'm, I'm ready, yeah, yeah.
25:19Okay, Stella, just reactions from you, okay?
25:21Okay.
25:22Really, almost nothing at all, okay?
25:24We're still rolling.
25:25All right.
25:26Just reactions, okay?
25:28Action!
25:30I know I'm back, but in a sense, I'm not really here.
25:35Mm-hmm.
25:37The things I've seen, the things I've done.
25:41Oh.
25:46Mother.
25:49My, my mother.
25:50Yeah, yeah, yes.
25:52I've done some bad things.
25:54Oh, yes.
25:55I mean, no, oh, no.
25:57Oh, no, yes.
25:58It keeps me up at night.
26:00Oh, all night long, son.
26:04I did some terrible things in, in the war.
26:07Oh, naughty.
26:10You were so naughty in the war.
26:13Cut!
26:13Sorry, it's all right.
26:15I'm sorry.
26:15This is not working for me at all.
26:17Get her out of here!
26:18No, no, no, no, no, I can do it.
26:19No, I can do it, I can do it.
26:20I know that my son had my sexy turn.
26:24They thought there was a chance this might happen, so don't worry.
26:27We've already got another actress lined up, ready to go.
26:29Come on.
26:30Oh, my son.
26:34What is happening?
26:35No, wait.
26:36I actually like this one.
26:39Okay, that's lunch, everyone.
26:41Woo!
26:43Ow!
26:47Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Alice!
26:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:20It's my choice to choose who I am, rest is family, my choice to choose, yeah, my choice to choose,
27:26yeah.
27:26Now who I have, that's important to me, do what I got to see the wind wrap the trees.
27:39Now who I have, that's important to me.
27:44And the branch is right there, oh, yeah.
27:52I can just wander always, like a leaf on the sidefish breeze.
27:59I do not need no ruling, I carry home with me.
28:05To be a nomad, going on the waves of the channel sea.
28:11I can see in the toy bay, white horses carry me.
28:30I can not have magnetic properties, wrote a scholar from the island that they kept for me.
28:37I don't need to solve my unknown identity, just need an answer to the question in the taxi.
28:44My sister paints apathy like blasphemy.
28:47I've seen God's freedom, people closest to me.
28:50My choice to choose who I am, rest is family, I choose you, yeah, I choose you.
28:56Now who I have, that's important to me, do what I get to see the wind wrap the trees.
29:10Now who I have, that's important to me.
29:15Let the branches wrap their arms, let the branches wrap their arms.
29:23I can just wander always, like a leaf on the sidefish breeze.
29:30I do not need no ruling, I carry home with me.
29:36To be a nomad, going on the waves of the channel sea.
29:48Now who I have, that's important to me, do what I get to see the wind wrap the trees.
30:00Oh, well, that's important to me, do what I get to see the wind wrap the trees.
30:14I can just wander always, like a leaf on the sidefish breeze.
30:28I do not need no ruling, I carry home with me.
30:35To be a nomad, going on the waves of the channel sea.
30:41I can see me girls waiting, one for six, can I leave.
31:09I can see me girls waiting, one for six, can I leave.
31:20It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
31:33Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update.
31:37I'm Paddy Young.
31:38And I'm Anya Magliano.
31:42In a world of darkness, horror and despair,
31:45we're here to make it worse.
31:48Let's have it.
31:51The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate.
31:55Israel has intercepted a missile from Yemen,
31:57which has been identified as a Houthi missile.
32:00As in, Houthi hell fired that missile.
32:04While Trump has been insisting that Iran wants a deal so badly,
32:08an Iranian military spokesperson has said, quote,
32:11our first and last word from the very first day
32:14has been, is, and will remain.
32:17Someone like us will never come to terms with someone like you.
32:20Not now and not ever.
32:22Oh my God, just kiss already.
32:28Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales,
32:30has stepped down after being photographed
32:32while appearing to do a Nazi salute.
32:35Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible.
32:37And he's right.
32:38The arm's too low.
32:39He's grinning.
32:41And where's the swastika?
32:42When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:46Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated
32:48that millions of households will get no help from the government
32:51to pay soaring energy bills.
32:53Thanks, bitch.
32:58A US congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson
33:01to testify about her close personal and business ties
33:05to Jeffrey Epstein.
33:06But to be fair to Fergie, she does have a full diary.
33:14Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation
33:17of Trainspotting, the main character will be addicted
33:20not only to heroin, but also to social media.
33:24The show will premiere in July
33:26and is being directed by your Year 11 drama teacher.
33:31Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died.
33:34So, gentlemen, when you're visiting the site this week,
33:37lower your penises to half mass.
33:41Beautiful funeral, by the way.
33:43Wasn't a dry tissue in the house.
33:47And now, it seems like the whole world is at war.
33:51Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East,
33:53Chapel Rhone and that tiny girl.
33:56By the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.
33:58But anyway, war.
34:00We could just keep making jokes about it,
34:02but first, we do want to check.
34:04Are you OK?
34:10This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad.
34:14We're here to tell you that it's going to be OK.
34:16Because we've got each other.
34:18World War III, sounds scary, huh?
34:20But we've already had two.
34:24And don't they say good things come in threes?
34:27Good things can come from war.
34:29Antibiotics, jet engines, something to talk to your dad about.
34:33If London gets bombed, house prices will drop.
34:37And so will house numbers.
34:39We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left,
34:42like in Friends.
34:44It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us,
34:47but look on the bright side.
34:49Stephen Bartlett might get his face blown off.
34:55And who's to say we won't come out on top?
34:58As a nation, we've beaten them all.
34:59The French, the Germans, fur and mouth.
35:03And sure, the bad guys might win
35:05and we end up speaking Ukrainian.
35:10But don't worry.
35:12We're in this together.
35:13We've got you.
35:14We've got each other.
35:15This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy and Anya.
35:25Research has found that pregnant women on the tube
35:28have to stand for an average of five stops
35:31before being offered a seat.
35:32It seems like a bit of social, basic social etiquette,
35:35but please, if you're watching men, wear a condom.
35:40Looks Maxine influencer Clavicula has been arrested.
35:43And I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating his life
35:46to making himself look like a beautiful young boy
35:49right before he was taken to jail.
35:54The former Tory justice minister, Crispin Blunt,
35:57has admitted to hosting chemsex parties
36:00and has been fined £1,200 for possessing illegal drugs,
36:04including crystal meth and the sedative GBL.
36:08I have to say, he looks surprisingly grumpy
36:10for someone who loves being jacked up on meth.
36:14Blunt told the court that he got involved
36:16in the chemsex party scene
36:17to help inform government policy.
36:21Blunt is set to publish his research
36:23in a parliamentary advisory paper entitled,
36:26Oh, my God, guys, you have to try chemsex.
36:29In his speech to the courts,
36:31Blunt called for all drugs to be legalised,
36:33but he acknowledged that the chemsex lifestyle
36:35did carry risks,
36:37like coming so hard you drop your poppers.
36:41Trust me, it happens.
36:43In lighter news,
36:45the town of Grantham in Lincolnshire
36:47has announced that it's reviving
36:48its medieval onion fair.
36:50The event on October 10th
36:52will see onion tastings,
36:54onion-themed street food,
36:55onion-flavoured drinks
36:56and an onion-eating competition.
36:57So if you're looking for something fun to do
37:01on October 10th,
37:02why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI-generated military influencer
37:08and foot fetish model
37:09has reached over a million followers on Instagram.
37:12There she is in her military-grade stilettos.
37:16Honestly,
37:17what kind of a sad,
37:18sexually frustrated loser
37:20would sit alone fantasising about her
37:22for hours in my bedroom last night?
37:25A new documentary reveals
37:27K-pop group BTS
37:29struggled to return to music
37:30after mandatory military service.
37:32So,
37:33did the stress of this over-stimulate Jimin
37:35causing Sunflower spillover
37:36and micro-snap towards Jungkook?
37:38And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours
37:41cause the deep-thinker RM
37:42to become overprotective?
37:44And what about the push-ball duo
37:45of Suga and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser
37:49anchoring Jungkook
37:50with micro-bubble maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield
37:53to offset bubble drift
37:54and soften Jimin
37:55with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea.
37:59I've never even heard of BTS.
38:03A new report has said
38:05that birth rates in the UK
38:06are falling
38:07and for a change,
38:08us girls are getting the blame for it.
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin
38:11has said that the problem
38:12is women having children
38:14too late in life.
38:16You know who I wish left
38:17having a baby
38:18till it was too late in life,
38:19Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum.
38:22Here to discuss the ins and outs,
38:24please welcome our own
38:25fertility expert and cast member,
38:26Ayawadi Bamboye!
38:28Thank you for having me.
38:34So, Ayawadi,
38:35you're here to explain
38:36why you think birth rates
38:37are plummeting?
38:38Yes, and the media
38:39would have you thinking
38:40that this is a complex issue,
38:41but it's actually quite simple.
38:43We're not being honest
38:44about what the real problem is here.
38:47Women not wanting to have babies?
38:48Women not wanting to have babies
38:50with men like you.
38:52Like me?
38:53How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one looks at you
38:55and thinks, yes,
38:57your genes must be preserved
38:58for the next generation.
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time
39:02you changed your bedding?
39:03Can you drive?
39:04Have you drunk water today?
39:06Had a shower?
39:07How is he going
39:07to impregnate anyone?
39:10He's completely dehydrated.
39:11His sperm probably
39:12looks like dusty oats.
39:14Wait, wait a second.
39:15What if I told you
39:16that most women
39:17actually want to have children?
39:19And I'm going to have to say
39:20the quiet part out loud.
39:21The fact of the matter is
39:22men are very,
39:23very difficult to be around.
39:27Anya,
39:28have you watched a man eat?
39:31It's not good.
39:32It's so scary.
39:34This generation of men
39:35just aren't up to it.
39:37They're easily overwhelmed.
39:38Some even have the audacity
39:39to grow a moustache.
39:42Moustache is for men
39:43with full driving license.
39:46So, what is your solution
39:48to a generation of women
39:49being repulsed
39:49by the idea
39:50of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked.
39:52To me,
39:52we have two options.
39:54We bank the sperm
39:55of the gays,
39:56the practicing gays
39:56to be exact.
39:58And we just use that,
39:59yes.
40:00or we milk
40:01three to five
40:02high-value males
40:04whose seed
40:05would actually
40:06be useful to us.
40:07So, for example,
40:08people like
40:08Martin Lewis,
40:09money-saving expert.
40:11Yes!
40:13Ayuade,
40:13we can't milk
40:14Martin Lewis.
40:15We need him
40:15on the front line.
40:16To be fair,
40:16you're right.
40:17You're right.
40:18We can't lose
40:18our strongest soldier.
40:20Thanks for joining us,
40:21fertility expert,
40:22Ayuade Banboya,
40:23everybody.
40:25The Weekend Update,
40:27I'm Martin Yeung.
40:27And I'm Anja Magliano.
40:28Good night.
41:03Please!
41:04I can't do it anymore!
41:05Please!
41:06You're coming with me!
41:08Please!
41:09Ah!
41:14This ain't right.
41:17This ain't right!
41:19My damn,
41:19for crap's sake!
41:20If they hear you,
41:21it'll be lessons
41:21for all of us.
41:22You!
41:24What is it we do here?
41:25I can't.
41:26I can't!
41:27I need to hear you say it!
41:28What is it we do here?
41:31You know when you open
41:32a hot wrap
41:33from Pret or McDonald's.
41:35And part of the wrap
41:36sticks to the inside
41:37of the packet.
41:38So when you take it out,
41:40the whole wrap
41:40completely falls apart.
41:42We're the people
41:43who glued down
41:44that bit of wrap!
41:48Ah!
41:50I can't do this anymore.
41:54It ain't right.
41:59Glueing all day,
42:02glueing all night,
42:03glueing wraps!
42:07Will they join my fight?
42:13Oh, God!
42:15Here, Arkata,
42:16the people's princess.
42:18Seen her kind before,
42:20haven't we, Marty?
42:21Brave,
42:22rebellious,
42:23doesn't understand
42:24the wrap-gluing thing?
42:27Pipe down,
42:29little girl,
42:30you ain't got a clue.
42:31Shut that shiny mouth of yours,
42:34you ain't too much a clue.
42:35We like things
42:36how we like them,
42:37we're never so scared
42:39of change.
42:40Being alive
42:40is suffering,
42:41we exist to remind you
42:43of that.
42:45But,
42:46would it be so bad
42:48if the wraps
42:48came out in one piece?
42:50Ah!
42:51Face facts,
42:52Freckles.
42:53It's rotten work,
42:54but someone's
42:55got to do it.
42:57Do they, though?
42:59Do I smell
43:00unglued wraps?
43:02Quick,
43:03it's a full one!
43:04Oh!
43:08I am a man
43:09and that is good
43:10and I run
43:11this factory.
43:13My wife is dead.
43:15I hate the poor.
43:16And
43:17I'm the mayor.
43:19Woo!
43:21Well,
43:22well,
43:22well,
43:23if it ain't
43:24my stinky
43:25little workforce
43:26with their horrible
43:27faces
43:28living their
43:29miserable lives.
43:31Oh,
43:32doing exactly
43:33what they're told,
43:34I'm sure.
43:41who is responsible
43:43for this?
43:46I said,
43:47who is responsible
43:49for this?
43:54Tired, sweetheart.
43:56Cream cracking
43:58from glue and wraps.
44:01You could always
44:02work in my
44:02other factory
44:04when we stick
44:05fruit polos
44:06together
44:06so they can
44:06deal into
44:07one weird
44:08cylinder.
44:13tired.
44:15I'm not tired.
44:18I'm the opposite of tired,
44:19whatever that is.
44:21in fact,
44:23I'm just getting
44:25started.
44:26Stop her!
44:28Please,
44:29can't you see
44:29why we're here?
44:30We are ruining
44:31the lunches
44:32of innocent folk.
44:33We mustn't
44:34turn our backs
44:35on the packs
44:35of the people
44:36on the street
44:36who need us
44:37the most.
44:38We can't.
44:39You with the glue,
44:40which is true.
44:40What I'm saying
44:41will stop sticking
44:42in your brain.
44:42You're not listening.
44:43Same old story
44:44being said.
44:45Try your rap
44:46instead.
44:47Bad luck,
44:48it's stuck.
44:49We can't
44:50give up
44:51my friend.
45:00She's right.
45:01I join the fight.
45:03Me too.
45:04And me.
45:05She'll set us free.
45:06A new life.
45:07No strife.
45:08Also,
45:09how is this a job?
45:12Whoa.
45:13Get off me.
45:14I said get off me.
45:16He's going to fall
45:16into the furnace.
45:17No one's even
45:18catching him.
45:19It's the power of song.
45:21Curse you,
45:22you bloody little bitch.
45:24Whoa.
45:25Ah.
45:34Wow.
45:37His reign of terror
45:39is over.
45:41People of the factory
45:43what glues down wraps.
45:45We're finally free
45:46to get no jobs
45:48in an Amazon warehouse.
45:50Yes.
45:52Yes.
45:52We're only a liar.
45:59I'm Ollie Duggan
46:00and I'm Matty Duggan
46:02and we are
46:02the Bean Bros.
46:04Growing up,
46:05we never had much
46:06but there was always
46:06two things
46:07we could rely on.
46:08Our lovely Nanny Sue
46:10and her legendary
46:11beans on toast.
46:13Four years ago,
46:14our beautiful Nanny Sue
46:15took out our life savings
46:16so that we could follow
46:17our dreams
46:17and open our
46:18very own food truck.
46:22And since then,
46:23we've sold over
46:2350 million beans
46:24to happy customers
46:25up and down the country.
46:27We owe everything
46:28we have
46:29to our dear Nanny Sue
46:30and our kick-ass
46:31secret recipe.
46:32And before you ask,
46:34aye,
46:34our Nanny Sue
46:35is that
46:36Sue Duggan.
46:37Recently dubbed
46:38the toxic widow
46:38because last week
46:39she was convicted
46:40of injecting a bus
46:41full of children
46:42with hepatitis C.
46:46And before you ask,
46:47no,
46:47we don't know
46:48why she did it.
46:49And before you ask,
46:51yes,
46:51we have cut ties
46:52with our Nanny Sue
46:53completely.
46:54We're opening
46:55our first
46:56real restaurant tomorrow
46:57and the timing
46:58could not be worse.
47:01We've got
47:01classic beans,
47:03we've got
47:03Nashville barbecue beans,
47:04we've got
47:04Thai bean curry beans.
47:06And before you ask,
47:07no,
47:08the beans will not
47:09give you hepatitis.
47:10And before you ask,
47:11yes,
47:12some of the children
47:13are still in comas.
47:14Also,
47:15before you ask,
47:16yes,
47:16we are both considering
47:17chemical castration
47:19just to make sure
47:20the evil
47:21in our bloodline
47:22dies with us.
47:27We also do
47:28chicken wings.
47:30At Beans Closy
47:31there are three things
47:32we are passionate about.
47:33Big flavours,
47:34good vibes
47:34and a tory for the sins
47:36of our wicked family.
47:37That's why we've partnered
47:39with a local charity
47:39that helps rehabilitate
47:41grandmothers convicted
47:42of serious violent crime.
47:44This is Jenny.
47:45She cut the brakes
47:46on her daughter-in-law's
47:47Vauxhall Corsa.
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb
47:49to our next-door neighbour
47:50because they left
47:51their Christmas lights
47:52up too long.
47:54Deborah threw acid
47:56at an Uber driver.
47:57Before you ask,
47:58yes,
47:59it was racially motivated.
48:02Fuck.
48:03Fuck!
48:03This is hell!
48:05Oh,
48:05everyone's going to have
48:05to do it ourselves!
48:07So come on down
48:08to Beans Bros
48:09because those kids
48:10are not coming back
48:11and we don't want
48:13to go to hell!
48:19Once again,
48:20Wolf Alice!
48:28It really, really
48:30made the room sing
48:33the way you said
48:35my name
48:38Like you could not
48:40believe I'd be here
48:43Though our friends
48:45are all the same
48:48I wanted you to walk
48:50on over
48:53But you turned
48:54and went the other way
48:58I followed you
49:00around the corner
49:03And I'll always picture you
49:05this way
49:06Beating against the wall
49:12You put my world
49:15in this love
49:22You put my name
49:24up in love
49:31You put my name
49:41up in love
49:51Is love our greatest
49:54performance?
49:56I thought as you
49:58spun me around
50:00Perfect displays
50:03of affection
50:06Well, it takes two
50:08So there's always
50:09a crowd
50:11I dance
50:12so you
50:13will watch me
50:16That doesn't
50:18hurt my pride
50:21I like the thrill
50:23of night before
50:24My music
50:27Courage
50:28You're like one
50:29You're leaning
50:30against the wall
50:36You put my world
50:38into love
50:45You put my name
50:47up in love
50:55Because
50:57Doesn't anybody
50:58love you
51:00more than I do
51:03Isn't anyone
51:05nothing
51:09Because
51:14Because
51:15Because
51:16Doesn't anybody
51:18love you
51:19more than I do
51:23Isn't anyone
51:24I'm there
51:38I'm in love
51:43I'm in love
51:45I'm in love
51:46Am I missing
51:57I'm in love
52:03I'm in love
52:05I'm in love
52:19I'm in love
52:49Look, I've been trying to keep my cool all night, but I'm such a huge fan of yours.
52:54I can't believe ex-international rugby player Jason Robertson, OBE, is actually dating my wife's best friend.
53:03Thanks.
53:04You know, I have to say I was quite good at rugby myself.
53:08Oh, yeah?
53:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
53:10No, I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my...
53:13Oh, no, no, no.
53:13Please, please don't say me.
53:15I hate that.
53:17Do you know how many people come up to me and say, oh, I could have gone pro if it
53:20weren't for my knee?
53:21No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough.
53:25No, I was good enough.
53:28It wasn't actually my knee.
53:29I had a different, like a rare condition.
53:32What condition?
53:37One sec, I'm just going to get another drink.
53:39All right.
53:41Did he finally mention the rugby?
53:42Yeah, big time.
53:43Oh, he loves it so much, bless him.
53:45Did he freak out?
53:46No, no, no.
53:47He was going on about how he could have gone pro if he weren't for his condition.
53:52His what?
53:52Yeah.
53:53Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?
53:55Yeah.
53:57What's up?
54:00I've gone and bloody cut my balls off and super glued them onto my hips, haven't I?
54:10You've what?
54:15I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips.
54:18What part of that don't you understand?
54:22Why?
54:24I panicked.
54:25I panicked.
54:26I needed a serious condition, otherwise he's not going to like me.
54:30He's going to think I'm just one of those, like, I could have been a pro if it wasn't for
54:34my knee, guys.
54:35You are that.
54:37Please.
54:37This is my last chance to be friends with a genuine rugby player.
54:41Just let me have this.
54:43Fine.
54:44Fine.
54:47Ah.
54:49Does anyone want more wine?
54:52Because I don't need a drink.
55:00He's got this rare condition and it's just flaring up.
55:04Don't be ashamed, Jonathan.
55:05Show them.
55:08Yeah.
55:21I was born with it.
55:23It's called, um, it's called scrotumus hip-tumums.
55:29Oh, well, how did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question.
55:35Um, everything was going great.
55:38You know, I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15 and then my balls dropped.
55:43And, uh, it became a problem during, uh, line-outs, you know, so painful, you know,
55:48getting picked up from my waist, like, crushing my balls, so, yeah.
55:53Oh, and, um, during scrums, yeah, the scrums, the lads would, you know,
55:57they'd have their ear pressed against, you know, eating my balls.
56:02Whoa, wow.
56:04I'm not going to lie, it would be hard to go pro with those.
56:08You know, you'd be in the showers looking like a sparsely decorated Christmas tree.
56:14Sorry, sorry, mate, sorry, mate.
56:16That was above the belt.
56:18No, no, I respect you when you struggled, man.
56:20I was like...
56:22Is he good, yeah?
56:23Yeah, he's fine.
56:24All right, well, see you at work, Soph.
56:26All right.
56:26Great to see you, Jason.
56:27Let yourselves out.
56:28Bye, Jason, man.
56:29See you.
56:32Oh.
56:34Oh.
56:34Oh.
56:36Oh, my God.
56:38Oh.
56:39So, Soph's just asked if Jason can have your number.
56:42Yes!
56:42Yes!
56:43Well done!
56:44Oh, my balls!
56:46Oh!
56:47Oh!
56:47Oh!
56:48Oh!
57:03Well, my biggest thanks to Wolf Ellis, to Chris O'Dowd, huge thank you to the cast,
57:08the writers, everyone working on the show for making such a great week.
57:12Good night!
57:50guitar solo
58:16guitar solo
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