- 15 hours ago
Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 1
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00:11Oh
00:00:14Golly, well, well, what if Donald shouts at me?
00:00:19What do I say labby
00:00:23Just be yourself Prime Minister yourself is who everyone likes
00:00:30Hello
00:00:35I've sought that scary scary wonderful president
00:00:40Why is it so blubber difficult to talk to?
00:00:44Just be honest and tell them we can't send any more ships to the Strait of Hormuz Oh
00:00:50Crumbs, I just hate conflict so much
00:00:55Are you referring to the wall or this phone call?
00:00:57Isn't there a way I can not do both?
00:01:01I just want to keep him happy labby
00:01:04You don't understand him like I do I could change him
00:01:11I don't think the feelings mutual he can't stop insulting you he called you a coward
00:01:16I'm out of my depth there labby
00:01:19How did this trust make this job look so easy?
00:01:25Look, we were worried you'd lose your nerve so we've taken steps to help you gain unfounded confidence
00:01:31Mr. Prime Minister meet your Gen Z advisor at Lil Hoopy
00:01:34What's up Stamzy? Bow bow bow bow
00:01:37At Lil Hoopy is the most qualified person we have
00:01:40He is the only person under 23 who voted Labour and would so again in the next election
00:01:47You're not voting for the Green Party?
00:01:49Nah, my dad works in oil
00:01:52No caps Stamzy
00:01:53I love you and I do hearts this way with my thumb
00:01:57Thank you at Lil Hoopy
00:01:59I love you too
00:02:02Sir Keir is trying to set boundaries with the president while preserving their special relationship
00:02:07Hmm, I see facts facts
00:02:09Okay, so you're looking for more of a special situation ship
00:02:13Okay, I've got you covered
00:02:15I'm an expert in messy drama
00:02:16I've been in three throuples and I'm currently gay
00:02:22First thing you gotta do you gotta forget the phone call these days
00:02:25It's all about the voice note
00:02:27I'll try anything
00:02:28I'll do anything
00:02:31Except take a stand
00:02:35That is so keir-coded
00:02:36Hey listen, take the phone and just speak from the heart
00:02:42Hi Donald
00:02:45I'm afraid I can't go to war with you
00:02:49But that doesn't mean we can't still be chums
00:02:53America and Britain have a long, proud tradition of cooperation
00:02:57And nothing can take that away
00:02:59Remember the good times
00:03:02Remember D-Day
00:03:05Remember Live Aid
00:03:08Remember Iraq
00:03:11For the first week and then none of the rest
00:03:16Remember Helen Baxendale on Friends
00:03:20Remember Hugh Laurie on Friends
00:03:23Remember the episode of Friends where they all came to London
00:03:28Remember the one where Joey put on all of childless clothes
00:03:34That was a funny one
00:03:39Get back on track so keir
00:03:42Most importantly remember the one where Ross and Rachel were on a break
00:03:47I think perhaps that's what we need
00:03:50Not forever
00:03:51Just until you've got all this war out of your system
00:03:55Listen, we want different things
00:03:58I know how badly you want to start World War 3
00:04:02And that's great
00:04:04We should absolutely do that
00:04:07But we can't be a part of it
00:04:09You can however use the naval bases whenever you want
00:04:15Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:17Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:25Sick job K-Dot
00:04:27Good work Sir Keir
00:04:29You did the bare minimum
00:04:31And that's all people expect
00:04:34Thank you Lambie
00:04:36It just goes to show
00:04:38While we may not agree with everything America does
00:04:41We can still be civil
00:04:43And embrace their wonderful
00:04:47Unproblematic culture
00:04:49Speaking of which
00:04:51Live from London, it's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:05It's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:09With...
00:05:12Thank you
00:05:13Amimoshawn
00:05:19Ayawad
00:05:20열심히
00:05:22Ahh
00:05:23and
00:05:26it's
00:05:38how
00:05:39a
00:05:40Akers
00:05:45Anya
00:05:46Magliano
00:05:50Annabelle Marlowe
00:05:55Al Nash
00:06:01Jack Sheff
00:06:07Emma Ceeley
00:06:15Paddy Yard
00:06:21Musical guest
00:06:23Wet Leg
00:06:28And your host
00:06:30Tina Fey
00:06:40Ladies and gentlemen
00:06:42Tina Fey
00:07:02Thank you very much
00:07:03Oh my gosh
00:07:04I am so excited to be here in London
00:07:07It is an absolute honor
00:07:08And honestly kind of historic
00:07:11Guys I am the youngest person ever to host SNL UK
00:07:20Again my name is Tina Fey
00:07:22Here in the UK
00:07:24Here in the UK
00:07:25You might know me as the teacher from Mean Girls
00:07:29Or you might remember a long time ago
00:07:32When I played Sarah Palin on SNL US
00:07:37Or maybe you feel like you recognize me
00:07:39As the lady from the show Veep
00:07:42And that's fine too
00:07:44Let's go with that
00:07:44So why do a UK version of SNL
00:07:48Well like so many large scale American operations these days
00:07:53No one really knows why
00:07:56But here's what this is
00:07:58Okay it is a sketch comedy show
00:08:00There will be a different celebrity host each week
00:08:03There will be music performances
00:08:04And the show is truly live
00:08:07So things may go wrong
00:08:09Things may have already gone wrong
00:08:11My pants were supposed to be full length
00:08:15And I'm so excited for you to meet your cast
00:08:17They are wonderful
00:08:18I can't even begin to understand them when they speak
00:08:23One boy is either Scottish or choking
00:08:28But their energy is A plus
00:08:30And I'm gonna stay out of their way tonight as much as possible
00:08:34I'm just here as a long time SNL employee
00:08:38To help out
00:08:39And to answer like any questions anyone might have
00:08:42Oh hi yeah Nicola Coughlin
00:08:49It is lovely to see you
00:08:51But my question is
00:08:52If this is SNL UK
00:08:55Then why are you the first host
00:08:58Like shouldn't it be like a British icon
00:09:00Like David Beckham
00:09:01Or Judy Dench
00:09:02Or like Shrek
00:09:04Wait Shrek is British?
00:09:06Scotland is in Britain Tina
00:09:08Educate yourself
00:09:09Okay sorry my apologies
00:09:11Well that is a valid question
00:09:13Why an American host?
00:09:15And the way it was explained to me
00:09:17Was that for this first episode anyway
00:09:20How do I put this politely
00:09:22None of you fuckers would do it?
00:09:26Does that make sense?
00:09:27It does
00:09:30Is it possible that many of us were a little reluctant
00:09:33To be in the first show
00:09:34Because this is going out in Britain
00:09:35And British people tend to
00:09:38Root for the failure of others
00:09:40Yes
00:09:41Yeah why are you guys like that?
00:09:43Well not me
00:09:44I'm Irish
00:09:46Educate yourself
00:09:49Look that all is to say
00:09:50If this show is a hit
00:09:51And if you do ever happen to get
00:09:53Olly Murs for musical guest
00:09:54I would be honoured to come back
00:09:56And win a BAFTA for it
00:09:58Amazing
00:09:59Well that's great to know
00:10:00Thank you Nicola
00:10:04Any other questions?
00:10:06Oh sure Michael Cera
00:10:07Hi
00:10:12Hi Tina
00:10:13Hi Michael
00:10:15Why are you here?
00:10:15You're not British
00:10:16No I'm Canadian
00:10:18It's part of the Commonwealth
00:10:19Educate yourself
00:10:21Sorry
00:10:24I don't really have a question
00:10:25But I just wanted to say
00:10:26I think you just swore
00:10:27A second ago
00:10:28You said the F word
00:10:29Oh yeah
00:10:30We are allowed to swear
00:10:32In this version of the show
00:10:37It's crazy
00:10:38Can I try?
00:10:39Sure
00:10:40If you want to
00:10:42Shit bird
00:10:44Just fucking
00:10:46Bollocks
00:10:49I think I would use it sparingly
00:10:50It feels kind of unclassy
00:10:51Yeah you know what
00:10:52You're right
00:10:53I agree Michael
00:10:54That's a great note
00:10:54Thank you so much
00:10:59Time for one more
00:11:00Oh yes
00:11:01Graham Norton
00:11:05So nice to see you
00:11:07I just wondered
00:11:08Did you know
00:11:09That this is usually my studio?
00:11:11Yeah I did hear that
00:11:12Graham
00:11:13Thank you for loaning it to us
00:11:14Oh would you mind
00:11:15If I came up there
00:11:16And just showed you
00:11:16A fiddly thing
00:11:17About this place
00:11:18Oh I would love it
00:11:18Come on
00:11:19Graham Norton
00:11:19Everybody
00:11:20Come on
00:11:26Now Tina
00:11:27I believe you've always had a deep love of British comedy
00:11:32Are you interviewing me now?
00:11:34Let me help you
00:11:35I have a gift for making American celebrities likeable to a British audience
00:11:40Wait are we not likeable?
00:11:46Hey I hear you have a really funny story about watching British television as a young child
00:11:52Oh well yes actually
00:11:54Growing up we thought that anything British was educational so my parents showed us all British shows
00:12:00And we used to watch Benny and we used to watch Benny Hill as a family
00:12:02No
00:12:04As a young girl you would watch Benny Hill
00:12:07No
00:12:08It really messed me up sexually
00:12:12What about AdFab?
00:12:13Oh sweetie darling
00:12:14You're just a little shop girl darling
00:12:15Keeping up appearances
00:12:17Richard
00:12:18Monty Python
00:12:19That is an ex-parat
00:12:21Fawlty Towers
00:12:21Nobody mentioned the war
00:12:23Are you being served?
00:12:24My pussy is like an alarm club
00:12:27Reggie Perrin
00:12:28I didn't get where I am today by waffling
00:12:30Deep cut Montepalpin
00:12:32We lived in shoebox in middle of road
00:12:35East Enders
00:12:36I killed Ethel
00:12:40David Bread
00:12:42David Bread
00:12:43There's been a rape up there
00:12:45And dark trends
00:12:47Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday
00:12:49Auto glass repair
00:12:51Auto glass replace
00:12:52Oh that's right
00:12:54You're all yours now Tina
00:12:56All yours
00:12:57We've got a great show
00:12:58Wet Leg is here
00:12:59Stick around and watch this
00:13:01When it comes to age
00:13:07Defying a skin care
00:13:09I don't need a time machine
00:13:11I just need something that works
00:13:14So I can bring back the spark in me
00:13:17And in us
00:13:21And now I've found it
00:13:23The anti-aging cream that works so well
00:13:26Everyone will think your husband
00:13:27Is a nonce
00:13:31She's my wife
00:13:32She's a good woman
00:13:33Shut your mouth
00:13:34You make me sick
00:13:39Introducing
00:13:39Indourage
00:13:41With active compounds
00:13:43And hyaluronic acid
00:13:44Indourage delivers special protection
00:13:46For your skin
00:13:47And ensures your husband
00:13:48Will need special protection
00:13:49When he's in jail
00:13:51My wife's skin
00:13:52Has never looked more youthful
00:13:53And fresh
00:13:54It's destroyed my life
00:13:55Thanks Indourage
00:13:57My skin looks so fresh
00:13:59My husband can't go anywhere
00:14:00Without being hunted
00:14:01By right-wing paedophile
00:14:02Catching militias
00:14:08Frank
00:14:09Someone's at the door
00:14:11Thanks Indourage
00:14:13My husband is no longer allowed
00:14:15Within 200 feet of a score
00:14:17My husband lost his record deal
00:14:19And some but not all of his fans
00:14:24He loves the way I look
00:14:25Yeah, but, you know
00:14:27Not like that
00:14:28Sorry
00:14:29Excuse me
00:14:30Little girl
00:14:31Do you know this man?
00:14:33That's my wife
00:14:34You sick bastard
00:14:37He's married to an underage girl
00:14:39He's married to an underage girl
00:14:42I'm married to an underage girl
00:14:45I'm going to have I pronounce that right?
00:14:48No, I didn't mean that
00:14:51No, it's the name of the thing
00:14:54Underage
00:14:55I'm not underage
00:14:57Or am I?
00:14:58She's not
00:14:59She's not
00:15:00Underage
00:15:01By Peter Lay
00:15:11Hello
00:15:12I'm David Attenborough
00:15:14And it can't be long now
00:15:21As the only remaining national treasure
00:15:24Not on that list
00:15:26I enjoy a place
00:15:29As one of 90%
00:15:30Of the British public's
00:15:32Dream dinner party guests
00:15:34But I'm often asked
00:15:36Who would be on mine?
00:15:38Well, using DNA sampling
00:15:41And my own brother's
00:15:43Jurassic Park technology
00:15:44I have reanimated
00:15:46Some of history's greatest Britons
00:15:48For one night only
00:15:50So that I can ask them
00:15:52What really makes Britain great?
00:15:55This is David Attenborough's
00:15:58Last Supper
00:16:07I'd like to welcome my guests
00:16:10Prime Minister Winston Churchill
00:16:12Astronomer and mathematician
00:16:16Sir Isaac Newton
00:16:17Nurse
00:16:19Mary C. Cole
00:16:20Diana
00:16:22Princess of Wales
00:16:27Author
00:16:28Agatha Christie
00:16:29Poet
00:16:31Benjamin Zephaniah
00:16:33Freddie Mercury
00:16:35From Queen
00:16:38Elizabeth I
00:16:39From Being the Queen
00:16:43Surprise, surprise
00:16:44It's Ella Black
00:16:46Hey, off Chuck
00:16:49Thanks so much
00:16:50For hosting this dinner party
00:16:52Sir David
00:16:52You're very welcome
00:16:54Princess Di
00:16:55Now
00:16:58As this cloning technology
00:17:01Only works
00:17:03For one hour
00:17:05I'll cut to the chase
00:17:08What do you think
00:17:10Makes Britain
00:17:12Great
00:17:13Before we commence
00:17:15There is a mystery
00:17:16I should like to solve
00:17:18Are we doing starters?
00:17:21I'm getting a starter
00:17:23I'm bleeding starving
00:17:24Yes
00:17:25Order
00:17:25Whatever you like
00:17:26Tonight
00:17:27Is about thrilling conversation
00:17:29And the greatness
00:17:30Of Great Britain
00:17:32Yes
00:17:33Winston Churchill
00:17:34Shall we get three starters
00:17:36For the table
00:17:37And do picky bits?
00:17:46I'd have the croquettes
00:17:47But I only want a little nibble
00:17:55Well, hang on, hang on
00:17:57By my calculations
00:17:58There are three croquettes
00:18:00In one order
00:18:01And ten of us
00:18:01Therefore
00:18:02If we order three portions
00:18:03One person will miss out
00:18:04The solution is simple
00:18:06We order four
00:18:08That means that three people
00:18:10Will get two croquettes
00:18:11But who?
00:18:13Another mystery
00:18:14Look, look, look, look
00:18:16Don't worry about the food
00:18:18The BBC have spared no expense
00:18:20Bringing you back to life
00:18:23I'm sure they're happy
00:18:24To cover one dinner
00:18:26At the Ivy
00:18:28Now, as to the source
00:18:30Of Britain's greatness
00:18:32Not to be that person
00:18:33But I don't like croquettes
00:18:34I'd rather get the soup
00:18:35Aye, about
00:18:36That's a lot of starter
00:18:37Just for use
00:18:39Happy day day
00:18:41Freddy's right
00:18:42We should all have to pay
00:18:43For your starter
00:18:44No, no one's paying
00:18:45No one's paying
00:18:46It's
00:18:48It's covered, guys
00:18:50Tonight
00:18:51It's about
00:18:52Sinterlighting conversation
00:18:54And
00:18:55Learning from each other
00:18:57Yes
00:18:57Benjamin Zephaniah
00:18:58Do you think each coffee
00:18:59Comes with a free rice?
00:19:01If it has an asterisk
00:19:03Next to its name
00:19:04Then it comes with a free rice
00:19:07People on the street
00:19:09You're right, Freddy
00:19:11There are some people
00:19:12On the street
00:19:12But that doesn't answer
00:19:14The question about
00:19:15Poppadoms
00:19:16Stop it
00:19:17Stop it now
00:19:20It doesn't matter
00:19:22What we have to eat
00:19:24I'll put that down
00:19:25Put it
00:19:26This experiment
00:19:29Has been a complete
00:19:30Waste of time
00:19:31And money
00:19:32The answer I was looking for
00:19:35As to what makes
00:19:36Britain truly great
00:19:37Was
00:19:37The NHS
00:19:38And centre parks
00:19:40There
00:19:42You've ruined it
00:19:43Dinner over
00:19:47Now we shall move on
00:19:49To the lovemaking portion
00:19:51Of the evening
00:19:54Anybody who wants to leave
00:19:56Now's your chance
00:20:00Head over to iPlayer now
00:20:02To see the full
00:20:03Uncut edition
00:20:04Of David Attenborough's
00:20:05Last Supper
00:20:11Ordinary
00:20:12As far as
00:20:44I'm at movies. Welcome to boobies goes to the films the show about all things cinema and this is a
00:20:52very special day
00:20:53I'm pinching myself to be honest. We've got Ricky Hall and Lena Phillips in the house
00:21:00What's happening? Good to be here. They're here to talk to us through their new film, Hot Streak
00:21:05and they are two icons of cinema. I hope you don't mind me saying
00:21:09No, I don't mind at all. Keep saying it
00:21:14Lena, I've been a fan since your first film, Sunrise Eyes
00:21:18Wow, that's a deep cut
00:21:20Yeah, cult classical
00:21:24And Ricky, Crazy Goat, underrated movie
00:21:29Thanks so much, man
00:21:30No, no, thank you. And I guess I'm trying to say I love you and your work so much. I
00:21:35hope that's not too creepy
00:21:35No, thank you
00:21:37Thanks so much, man. Wow
00:21:38Okay, so let's talk about Hot Streak. I watched this last night. It fucking sucked
00:21:49Excuse me?
00:21:51It sucked
00:21:54So bad, like, all the way through. What happened?
00:22:03Lena, you first
00:22:06Yeah, um, well, we loved working on this movie
00:22:09Yeah, it was a dream to work with Vicky, our director
00:22:13But why did it suck so bad, like, all the way through?
00:22:16Well, I don't think it sucked
00:22:18What? It did
00:22:20Did it? Yeah, all the way through
00:22:23Where's our PR?
00:22:24No, no, he's gone to get me some fruit. Look
00:22:28I could be wrong
00:22:29I don't think I am
00:22:31But I could be
00:22:32Let's check out a clip
00:22:37Oh
00:22:39Oh
00:22:40Oh
00:22:40Oh, boo
00:22:42This sucking so bad, Vicky
00:22:44You're not even acting there
00:22:45I mean, you are acting but it's so wrong
00:22:48And sour
00:22:50You know
00:22:51No, no, stop the tape
00:22:53Stop the tape
00:22:53It's just
00:22:54That sucks
00:22:58I
00:22:58I just
00:23:02I just
00:23:03I just know
00:23:04If you tried
00:23:05If everyone tried
00:23:06And like
00:23:07It gave me everything
00:23:08We could have got there
00:23:10It didn't have to be good
00:23:12You know, I don't need good
00:23:14I just need it not to fucking suck
00:23:17Like all the way through
00:23:19Can everything stop sucking all the time?
00:23:21Because it's making my life bad
00:23:24Is that too much to ask?
00:23:26Please
00:23:28Sorry
00:23:28We're
00:23:29We're sorry
00:23:31That's okay
00:23:33Join us next time on Boobies Goes To The Films
00:23:36I've been at Boobies wishing you a decent day
00:23:38Ah, get in, legend, thanks
00:23:46Get to work
00:23:47What a time to be alive, people
00:23:49My name is Turpin Turpin
00:23:50Yep
00:23:51Both my names are Turpin
00:23:52Great job
00:23:53Alright
00:23:53Jan, how we doing?
00:23:55Good
00:23:55What do we do here?
00:23:56We're all working together to make the internet as bad as we can possibly get
00:23:59It's a team effort
00:24:01I'm Yan
00:24:02I'm almost 19
00:24:03And I'm the password manager
00:24:05Essentially my job is
00:24:06Just before you enter in a short memorable password of your own
00:24:10I come up with a very long and complicated one
00:24:12Perhaps I'll remember it
00:24:13And
00:24:13And I don't
00:24:15I'm the X-Man
00:24:16I do all the X's for online adverts
00:24:18We try and make them smaller than any human finger
00:24:21Even if they do manage to close it
00:24:22What does an X even mean?
00:24:24Sometimes they can mean
00:24:24Close this window
00:24:26Sometimes they can mean
00:24:27Open four more windows
00:24:29They can mean out
00:24:30I think most people think it's the first one
00:24:33Most people voted for Hitler
00:24:37Sorry
00:24:38I'm online a lot
00:24:39I don't know what's real
00:24:40The thing is
00:24:41Is there are websites that no one would ever intentionally visit
00:24:44You know
00:24:45No one actually wants to enter the OMA's house drawer
00:24:48No one is really owed money just to being born between 1995 and 1997
00:24:52And no one intentionally clicks on family guide porn
00:24:55Except me
00:24:56But that's only because of how much I like to look at it
00:25:00This is good people this is good
00:25:02Woo
00:25:04My speciality
00:25:05I'm the guy who moves things at the last second so that people click on the wrong stuff online
00:25:16Okay, she's about to click standby
00:25:18Standing by
00:25:24She's hovering
00:25:25She's hovering
00:25:28And
00:25:30Budget
00:25:31Budget
00:25:32Buy something
00:25:36Hello
00:25:37Yes
00:25:40Yes
00:25:41Yes
00:25:41Yes
00:25:42Yes
00:25:42Yes
00:25:42Yes
00:25:43Yes
00:25:43That's five seconds she won't get back
00:25:46So
00:25:47We got her
00:25:53Do you get paid?
00:25:54No
00:25:55No
00:25:57No
00:25:57No
00:25:57No
00:25:57Well let me ask you this
00:25:58Let me ask you this
00:25:58Do you get paid for your job?
00:26:01Yeah
00:26:01You get paid for your job
00:26:04Yeah
00:26:05Oh
00:26:12Gosh
00:26:12Ten hours of labour
00:26:14Doesn't look like this little man is in a rush
00:26:16Why is it taking so long?
00:26:18Don't worry
00:26:19He's just a bit
00:26:19He's just a bit shy
00:26:22Oh
00:26:23Look at
00:26:24He's just a bit shy
00:26:25Oh
00:26:25Bless him
00:26:26There's not wrong with being shy is he?
00:26:29Oh
00:26:29No wrong at all
00:26:30Oh
00:26:31I think I prefer a shy one, to be honest.
00:26:34Get out of my way. I'm Dr. Amanda Miller.
00:26:36I graduated Harvard, summa cum laude.
00:26:38My kids are very mean to me,
00:26:40but I don't have time to get into that right now.
00:26:42Wait, where's the obstetrician here?
00:26:44He's just a bit shy, isn't he?
00:26:46I wish that was the case.
00:26:47I'm so sorry, Mrs. Cook,
00:26:49but your baby is not shy.
00:26:50He's something much more sinister.
00:26:53He's pretending to be shy for attention.
00:26:59And we need to act fast before it metastasizes.
00:27:04But this all seems a bit dramatic.
00:27:05Unless you want your son to be an adult man
00:27:08who is addicted to cancelling plans,
00:27:10let me do my goddamn job.
00:27:15Wait, hang on.
00:27:16What if he's shy around strangers,
00:27:18but he lets his guard down around people he trusts?
00:27:21Like an introverted extrovert.
00:27:23Yeah, those are essentially a myth.
00:27:25Most people who make a big deal out of being shy
00:27:28are, medically speaking, fake-ass divas.
00:27:31That son of mine's gonna be a fake-ass diva.
00:27:35I mean, look, I'm no doctor.
00:27:38I'm just a stupid rocket scientist,
00:27:40but I think he's genuinely shy.
00:27:44Okay, but, like, now he's dancing.
00:27:52He's dead.
00:27:55I'm just like, why would a genuinely shy person do that?
00:28:00Wait, he's quite good.
00:28:02Oh, my God.
00:28:03He is quite good.
00:28:06He's not amazing, but he's quite good.
00:28:09He's got spirit.
00:28:10You can tell he's actually enjoying himself.
00:28:13Hey, ho, hey, ho.
00:28:17Mr. and Mrs. Cook, this is serious.
00:28:19Okay, an authentically shy person
00:28:22would not pop their puss in this manner.
00:28:26Oh, Harry.
00:28:28Maybe she's right.
00:28:29What if her son is giving cringe,
00:28:32only claiming to be socially awkward
00:28:34when it suits him?
00:28:35No, slash them.
00:28:37He's sitting in the corner at parties
00:28:39because he gets overwhelmed,
00:28:41but then he's the loudest
00:28:43and most abrasive person there
00:28:45by quite some distance.
00:28:47The type of bitch to give a presentation at work
00:28:49and make the whole thing about how nervous he is,
00:28:51even though it's like,
00:28:52girl, you volunteered to do this.
00:28:55Oh, no.
00:28:57Then now he's holding his hands out
00:28:58to show that they're shaking,
00:28:59but it's obvious it's him
00:29:00who's making it happen.
00:29:02Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:29:04Doctor, do something.
00:29:06Grab a leg.
00:29:08Honey, are you the diamond in my wedding ring
00:29:11because you are fake as hell
00:29:12and we can see right through you, okay?
00:29:16Okay, well, he's dancing again.
00:29:18Oh, God.
00:29:19Doctor, please.
00:29:20We just want him out of there safe and sound.
00:29:24Fine.
00:29:25I promised myself I would never do this.
00:29:29Hey, sweetie.
00:29:30How are you feeling?
00:29:32So, um, a bunch of us
00:29:34are thinking of doing karaoke.
00:29:37Stop, don't leave without me.
00:29:40But I'm literally just going to watch.
00:29:42Woo!
00:29:44He's coming, he's coming.
00:29:46Oh, oh!
00:29:48Congratulations.
00:29:49He's a nightmare.
00:29:51Oh, yeah.
00:29:54Oh, yeah.
00:29:56Oh, yeah.
00:29:58Oh, yeah.
00:29:59Oh, yeah.
00:30:00Oh, yeah.
00:30:00Oh, yeah.
00:30:05Ladies and gentlemen,
00:30:07Wet Leg.
00:30:15Nice try.
00:30:17Get out the way.
00:30:19You're in our way.
00:30:20You bought your feet up.
00:30:22Too bad.
00:30:24You couldn't stay.
00:30:26You're in our way.
00:30:28Get us forever.
00:30:43You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:30:47You wanna fuck me, I know most people do
00:30:51You take this back in, you read it, it says much too
00:30:54I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:30:58Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:02I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:05Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:13Good God, give you an A, a golden star
00:31:18You think I'm pretty cool
00:31:20Good God, she took a break, made a mistake
00:31:25Was she in trouble?
00:31:41You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:31:45You wanna fuck me, I know most people do
00:31:48You take this back in, you read it, it says much too
00:31:52I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:56I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:59Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:02I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:06I know you're up at night, pushed over your phone line
00:32:13A dream about the hills, crooked from the wind that bites
00:32:21You say you're lost at sea, call the RNA light
00:32:28You're washed up irrelevant, you're standing in my light
00:32:35You're standing in my light
00:32:39You're standing in my light
00:32:42You're standing in my light
00:32:48You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:32:52You say you're scared, I know most people do
00:32:56This is the real world, honey, it's me, I'm begging
00:32:59In spite of everything, I guess there's just no getting through
00:33:03Nice try, now get out of the way
00:33:06Good try, just take a fucking thing
00:33:10I say I see you, you wanna be you, you wanna be
00:33:17Nice try, get out of the way
00:33:20You're in our way
00:33:22Get lost forever
00:33:55It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
00:34:09Hey, I'm Paddy Young.
00:34:11And I'm Anya Magliano.
00:34:17Coming up on tonight's Weekend Update, paedophilia.
00:34:20But first, war.
00:34:25Yesterday in a shock U-turn, Keir Starmer finally gave his consent for President Trump to use
00:34:31British bases to protect the Strait of Hormuz.
00:34:33At which point Trump said, consent?
00:34:36Now you've taken all the fun out of it.
00:34:40As Iranian strikes continue to hit Dubai, the cost of chartering a private jet has risen
00:34:46so high that many influencers have been struggling to flee.
00:34:49I must stress though, it's not all good news.
00:34:54LAUGHTER
00:34:57If any influencers are killed, and again, we can only hope they are, at least they'll
00:35:03be easy to identify by their dental records.
00:35:05They're the massive white ones made in Turkey.
00:35:08LAUGHTER
00:35:09You've got a feel for them.
00:35:10They went there to evade income tax and now they have to evade income in a tax.
00:35:15LAUGHTER
00:35:15We're now three weeks into the Iran war, which started with the death of one Ayatollah Khomeini
00:35:20and the appointment of another Ayatollah Khomeini.
00:35:23Khomeini?
00:35:24Two, but one's dead now.
00:35:27LAUGHTER
00:35:30OK.
00:35:33Not everyone in NATO wants to get involved.
00:35:36German Defence Minister Boris Pistorius said there would be no military participation
00:35:40from Germany.
00:35:41Where was this energy in 1939?
00:35:45LAUGHTER
00:35:47Also, is there a more evil name than Boris Pistorius?
00:35:52LAUGHTER
00:35:53How do you do the name Saddam Walliams?
00:35:55LAUGHTER
00:36:00The head of the Asian Football Confederation said this week that Iran is still set to play
00:36:06at the upcoming World Cup in America.
00:36:08If Iran does take part, America has guaranteed that all of their matches will be refereed by
00:36:13a completely impartial MQ-9 Reaper drone.
00:36:17LAUGHTER
00:36:18We all know the supply of oil has been affected by this war, but the Strait of Hormuz is also
00:36:24the primary route for a third of the world's helium.
00:36:26A spokesperson for the helium industry said...
00:36:29LAUGHTER
00:36:32LAUGHTER
00:36:37We've run out of helium.
00:36:40LAUGHTER
00:36:41APPLAUSE
00:36:46With pressure mounting to secure the Strait of Hormuz and the Royal Navy almost completely out of action,
00:36:53the government have decided to send in the only British naval captain who's ready to go.
00:36:58Please welcome Captain Birdseye!
00:37:01APPLAUSE
00:37:05Even me hearties!
00:37:08Now, Captain, I think the question a lot of people at home are asking is,
00:37:15why is the government sending a fish finger man to a red-hot war zone?
00:37:19Fish finger man!
00:37:21I am the purveyor of the finest fish fingers in the land.
00:37:25Succulent cod fillets in a perfectly crispy golden crumb.
00:37:28Only the best for the captain's table.
00:37:30Fish finger?
00:37:31Captain Birdseye, can I remind you, this is a military operation.
00:37:35Exactly.
00:37:36Preparation, timing, control.
00:37:39Six minutes one side, turn.
00:37:41Six minutes the other.
00:37:43Now that's what I call a proper fish finger.
00:37:45Fish finger?
00:37:47You're about to be deployed to a ramp.
00:37:49Can you stop bagging on about fish fingers?
00:37:51Fine.
00:37:52We also do chicken dibbers, potato waffles, and for some reason the devil only knows, peas.
00:37:59Captain, there are real lives at stake here.
00:38:02Oh.
00:38:03You want to get real, do you, you scurvy little deck rat?
00:38:07Alright, answer me this.
00:38:09You think I've spent the last five decades sailing around in a 150-foot schooner with 300 singing children,
00:38:16just to sell fish fingers, do ye?
00:38:18I'm sorry.
00:38:18Did you say 300 singing children?
00:38:21Cause I'll tell you what's real.
00:38:23You bilge drinking haddock.
00:38:25What's real is the nation's favourite fish fingers are just a cover for my actual work.
00:38:30Special Forces black ops savagery that would haunt your dreams.
00:38:34What's real is opening up a Serbian mercenary's neck with a machete.
00:38:38Watching it yarn open, hot and steaming, like a split fish finger.
00:38:44This is insane.
00:38:46Insane?
00:38:47I'll show you insane.
00:38:50Are those human fingers?
00:38:52Only the best for the captain's table.
00:38:56Captain Burns Eye, everyone.
00:38:58Another new superheroes.
00:39:05Renovations to Andrew Mountbatten Windsor's new home, Marsh Farm, have been taking place over the last month,
00:39:11including the installation of Sky TV.
00:39:14So, if you're watching Andrew, hello.
00:39:17You're not going to like this next bit.
00:39:20Also, I'm older than I look.
00:39:28Andrew's new residence, Marsh Farm, is of course named after the nearby Marsh where his body will be found.
00:39:38It was reported this week that the police investigation into Andrew is set to widen.
00:39:42The big question now is, if Andrew is charged, found guilty and put in prison, will he be able to
00:39:48keep his mouth shut?
00:39:49I hope not, said his cellmate's penis.
00:40:00Conservative leader, Kemi Badenoch, told Times Radio that she would confront a shoplifter if they were, quote,
00:40:05not too big.
00:40:08So, rest assured, if you shoplift and Kemi does try to stop you, it means she thinks you're skinny.
00:40:16In showbiz news, feuding father and son David and Brooklyn Beckham narrowly miss each other whilst at the same Beverly
00:40:22Hills Hotel.
00:40:23The feud began when Victoria was, quote,
00:40:26inappropriately close with her son at his wedding and escalated after Brooklyn accidentally yelled out his wife's name during sex
00:40:32with his mum.
00:40:43The award-winning TV series, It's a Sin, is set to be adapted for the stage as a dance show,
00:40:49as if a TV show about the AIDS crisis could get any gayer.
00:40:57Tonight, the K-pop band BTS are launching their New World Tour.
00:41:01My worry is, with 82 dates across 23 countries, the stress of the tour is going to put a strain
00:41:07on Jimin and V's soulmate relationship.
00:41:10Sure, J-Hope nurtures sugar's inner child, but will Jimin's teasing of sugar make V jealous?
00:41:15And can RM give enough skinship to baby Jungkook while melting at J-Hope's laugh?
00:41:19Will his dimples still be popping at Jimin's cuteness after an 82-date tour?
00:41:24No idea.
00:41:26I'm not really that into BTS.
00:41:29For Weekend Update, I'm Anya Magliano.
00:41:31And I'm Paddy Young. Goodbye!
00:41:32Yours are all around.
00:41:34You're all around.
00:41:47I'm Alex.
00:41:48My son!
00:41:59Well, you were standing next to me arkadaşlar.
00:42:00I'm John and Mike.
00:42:11Please be safe in London, Will.
00:42:14Nay, worry not, wife.
00:42:16I will be nothing but safe,
00:42:18for all I will think of is returning to thee and our boy, Hamnet.
00:42:25What about our daughters?
00:42:27I must away!
00:42:28My production of The Tempest begins anon.
00:42:35Adieu.
00:42:49Tempest was a hit.
00:42:52Me thinks I might write another of these plays.
00:42:58Will thou art returned.
00:43:00Did I not tell thee I would?
00:43:02But hast thou nothing to say?
00:43:06I have sorely missed thee.
00:43:09Likewise, my dear wife, likewise.
00:43:11But dost thou not think I appear chained?
00:43:17Tis hard to fix mine eyes on anything for the blood that doth course in mine veins on the sweet
00:43:23return of thee to me.
00:43:25Ye really look at me though.
00:43:29What vexes thee?
00:43:30I've got a cunty little earring.
00:43:38Oh, so it is.
00:43:39The hour is upon me.
00:43:40I must to London.
00:43:42My staging of Macbeth awaiteth.
00:43:47Farewell, Will.
00:43:49I will wait upon thy return.
00:44:06William!
00:44:08Thou art returned!
00:44:11Good day, wife.
00:44:13Good day, Hamnet.
00:44:20Will.
00:44:22How London hath changed thee.
00:44:25Come, wife.
00:44:26Let me sit and put me fate up.
00:44:31What art thou wearing?
00:44:32Oh!
00:44:34Just like it.
00:44:36Tis me slutty little chain.
00:44:42Tis all the rage in London.
00:44:45I must to London.
00:44:49My next staging awaits.
00:44:52Henry the fourth, part two.
00:44:55Henry the fifth!
00:44:59Let not London change thee too much!
00:45:16The fourth, part two.
00:45:18The fourth, part two.
00:45:22Pulse!
00:45:26Whoo!
00:45:27Hey, family!
00:45:31Will.
00:45:32Mine eyes do not recognise thee.
00:45:35Girl.
00:45:36Tis me bitch!
00:45:39Will, thou art a different man.
00:45:42Peace, wife.
00:45:43I be you, Shakespeare.
00:45:44The remix be Troy Sivan.
00:45:49Tis not thee, Will.
00:45:51Tis so, bitch.
00:45:53Thou art in Stratford-upon-Avon, and I've been in London upon Ketamin.
00:46:00I'm like Charlie XCX.
00:46:01Sorry.
00:46:02Charlie 10-100-10.
00:46:08I'm in my glow era.
00:46:09I'm in my glow.
00:46:10I'm in my glow-up era, honey.
00:46:13What's an era?
00:46:14We are in one, bitch.
00:46:16Mine!
00:46:19My wife, I bring gifts.
00:46:21This is called a tote bag.
00:46:26I want that not.
00:46:31Wig, my girl.
00:46:33Thou'st look cunty for sure.
00:46:37What does the C word mean?
00:46:40Hmm.
00:46:41Methinks I can't explain.
00:46:42It's not a bad word.
00:46:44It's a good thing.
00:46:45A great thing.
00:46:47It's bleached brows.
00:46:49It's the cast of Desperate Housewives.
00:46:52It's cabin crew.
00:46:54Bald head on a woman.
00:46:55The Elizabeth line.
00:46:56A thin woman eating a big plate of meat.
00:46:58It is as the riddles play upon thy tongue.
00:47:01Thou art just gagged.
00:47:07Hamlet's ate the powder within your coin purse!
00:47:18He'll be fine.
00:47:20Tis but a K hole.
00:47:22And you know what hitteth hard in the hole?
00:47:25Rihanna, bitch!
00:47:27We fall in our hearts and we half play.
00:47:30Hang on three.
00:47:31Don't move back.
00:47:34We fall apart.
00:47:38We fall apart in your heart and we half play.
00:47:42We fall apart in your heart and we half play.
00:47:49You've seen the film you've heard the musical now experience the experience
00:47:58The live Paddington bear experience this is so exciting
00:48:03We can't believe we're actually going to meet Paddington. Aren't we we brought marmalade sandwiches
00:48:10We got bands from magic Mike
00:48:17I can't wait to meet that little bear
00:48:23Welcome to 32 wins a god
00:48:27At London's most immersive experience get closer to Paddington than ever before now
00:48:35Who here would like to meet a very rare sort of bear?
00:48:41Janet open the case a place where memories last forever
00:48:54Paddington
00:49:10Why did we hire a real bear well I know we wanted to hire the little actress from the musical
00:49:15but she wanted too much
00:49:17Money and I have seen the bear in something he was amazing. What was it?
00:49:30The zoo I had seen him at the zoo
00:49:35That was amazing. Yeah, well, I've lost half my face
00:49:40None of that happened in the films
00:49:43That was a lot more blood than I thought there'd be
00:49:46And at Paddington's photo booth. We'll be sure to capture all of the magic
00:49:52Well, I was actually on a terrible day, but let's just say I didn't need to ask for Angela
00:49:56I asked for Paddington
00:50:00The Guardian calls it truly unforgettable
00:50:03The city likes marmalade
00:50:05He doesn't like marmalade
00:50:07He likes
00:50:08Human hands
00:50:11I've always thought that three kids was a bit too many
00:50:14And now I've got the optimum amount
00:50:18None
00:50:19The stage says inarguably immersive
00:50:23Do I have any regrets?
00:50:25Well, you know
00:50:26In retrospect, maybe hot glue gunning the hat to the bear's head may have made it more angry
00:50:34I'm taking it to Broadway regardless
00:50:36The live Paddington bear experience
00:50:39Book before June 25th and get a free tetanus jab
00:50:44Found a foot
00:50:45Has anyone lost a foot?
00:50:47No
00:50:48I'm fine
00:50:54Once again, wet leg
00:51:11Can you catch a medicine ball?
00:51:15Can you catch yourself when you fall?
00:51:19You should be careful
00:51:21Do you catch my drift?
00:51:22Cause what I really want to know is
00:51:24Can you catch these fists?
00:51:26Yeah Yeah
00:51:28Yeah
00:51:29Yeah
00:51:30Yeah
00:51:31Yeah
00:51:32Yeah
00:51:33Yeah
00:51:33Man down
00:51:34Yeah
00:51:35Yeah
00:51:36Yeah
00:51:36Yeah
00:51:38Yeah
00:51:38Yeah
00:51:39Yeah
00:51:39Yeah
00:51:39Yeah
00:51:40Level upI
00:51:41know I'll do well just look at you
00:51:47I don't want you to love, I just wanna fight
00:51:58We're on our way to the club
00:52:02Stupidest, stupid dust, windowsine
00:52:07Racking up, get to me, giddy up
00:52:12Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down
00:52:20Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:52:25I know I'm too well, just want your life
00:52:33I don't want you to love, I just wanna fight
00:52:44Don't get pussy, get the boo
00:52:46I saw him sippin' on dark fruit
00:52:48This always happens late at night
00:52:50Some guy comes up, says I'm his type
00:52:52I just threw up in my mouth when he just tried to ask me out
00:52:55Don't approach me, I just wanna dance with my face
00:52:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down
00:53:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:53:11Rubble up!
00:53:13I know I'm too well, just want your life
00:53:19I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:32I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:37Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:53:50yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:53:50yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:53:51yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:53:53yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:53:55yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:54:25Four things, thank you.
00:54:36Oh, Jane, look at you, divorced, saggy, alone, what a sad little life, Jane.
00:54:46Fancy bra fitting?
00:54:49Um, sure, yeah, I've actually lost a ton of weight.
00:54:53Oh, good for you.
00:54:54Uh, due to immense stress, I have a bad life.
00:54:58I'm sorry to hear that.
00:54:59Well, I'm just gonna do it round your top, okay?
00:55:02So, uh, here we go, we've got the middle, that's 38 inches, so yeah, that's quite wide.
00:55:08And cup size, that's a B, so it's small.
00:55:13You're not happy with that?
00:55:15Oh, 38 B, that's not exactly a sexy bra size, and feels kind of schlubby.
00:55:20Oh.
00:55:22Would you like me to zhuzh?
00:55:25Huh?
00:55:27Zhuzh it up a bit, for the surrounds.
00:55:30What does that mean?
00:55:32A zhuzh for the surrounds.
00:55:35Right, okay.
00:55:36So I come back in, and I zhuzh, right, I very loudly make a point of how big your bra
00:55:42size is.
00:55:43These out there don't know what you're really measured as.
00:55:47Wink, wink.
00:55:49Is that a British thing?
00:55:50It is a thing.
00:55:52Do you want to give it a go?
00:55:54It is a free service.
00:55:56Sure.
00:55:57Won't be long, ladies, I'm just doing a fitting.
00:55:59Oh, my goodness!
00:56:02Wow!
00:56:03These are gonna measure up nicely.
00:56:06So we're gonna start with the width.
00:56:08Very petite.
00:56:10But your cup size is...
00:56:12Big?
00:56:13Big cup size, right?
00:56:16Oh, crikey!
00:56:17Yeah, they've got a real weight to them.
00:56:19Oh, fantastic!
00:56:21In fact, I'm surprised...
00:56:23You don't topple over.
00:56:24You don't topple over!
00:56:26With a great big rack like that, my bits.
00:56:30Oh!
00:56:30Oh, four!
00:56:31You nearly poked my eye out!
00:56:34Hey, you've heard of Pinocchio?
00:56:36Well, you'll like that, but the nose is big, lovely bazombas.
00:56:41Is that okay?
00:56:42Yeah, that's good.
00:56:44So, I'm happy to tell you, what size would you like, darling?
00:56:47Big, but keep it classy, like, double D is good.
00:56:49Oh, no, we're going bigger than that.
00:56:51Stop it.
00:56:52You're a gorgeous, petite and perky, 28G!
00:56:58What an absolute pair!
00:57:01Oh, how's that feel?
00:57:03I...
00:57:04I feel amazing!
00:57:06Thank you so much, Miss...
00:57:08Juggs.
00:57:09They call me Juggs.
00:57:13Right.
00:57:15There you go.
00:57:17Put these back on the rack, Jackie!
00:57:19They were so far too small for this customer's great big buzies.
00:57:26Lovely tits you got there, miss.
00:57:30Juggs, wait.
00:57:33Is there anything else that you could judge for me?
00:57:36Like, for the surrounds?
00:57:38My 2026 is kind of rough.
00:57:41Like...
00:57:41Basically, I was responsible for editing this British Film Awards ceremony and...
00:57:49Let's just say I did not get it right.
00:57:53It's a zhuzh for the surrounds, darling.
00:57:56Not for the soul.
00:57:58But you'll be alright with those great big wicked knockers.
00:58:04Uh, excuse me.
00:58:09Reggae Jean-Page, what are you doing in the women's changing rooms?
00:58:12Oh, it's a long and sexy story.
00:58:16Listen, I don't usually do this, but...
00:58:18Can I buy you a drink?
00:58:20On the fifth floor, next to the baby clothes and electricals.
00:58:24Sure, I could do that.
00:58:29Thanks for changing my life.
00:58:35Tiny little tits.
00:58:37They were small.
00:58:38These tits were small.
00:58:4244 seconds with four acres.
00:58:52What kind of Irish is your grandad?
00:58:55What kind of Irish is your gramps?
00:58:58Is it this?
00:59:07What kind of Irish is your grandad?
00:59:11Is it this?
00:59:21Is it this?
00:59:22Oh, bring him round the back.
00:59:23I'll put four new shoes on it.
00:59:24Don't worry about it.
00:59:25If I'm not a man for the shoes, I'll hit the short of any men's back.
00:59:28Bastard.
00:59:29What kind of Irish is your grandad?
00:59:32Is it this?
00:59:32Is it this?
00:59:34Is it?
00:59:34We were all.
00:59:34That's a good one.
00:59:39That's a great one.しくs
00:59:43of old men and men and that we'llãy eat in the whole faith? Is it
00:59:43a pressure?
00:59:43Bigger gollo!
00:59:45O-ro-she-ta-wa-ah-a-wa-ah-o-ro-she-ta-wa-ah-ah-a-wa-oh-yeah!
00:59:51O-ro-she-ta-wa-ah-oh-yeah!
00:59:55Fennisha Rockon Tore.
00:59:59Wow!
01:00:02Wow.
01:00:03Nicola Coughlin from the Dairy Girls.
01:00:06Er...no it's...it's Dairy Girls.
01:00:09It doesn't matter Nicola Coughlin.
01:00:11None of this is real!
01:00:13Good night. God bless. Love you.
01:00:2044 seconds before I go.
01:00:27My biggest thanks to Wet Leg, Nicola Coughlin, Michael Cera, Graham Norton, Greg and Jean Page,
01:00:35and a huge thank you to the cast and writers and everyone for welcoming you here and making such a
01:00:41great week.
01:00:42Congratulations. SNL UK is born.
01:01:12Racing is born.
01:01:13Racing is born.
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