- 1 day ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
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00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38Yeah.
01:39Ha!
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Go.
04:26Uh...
04:27Uh...
04:30Uh...
04:39Uh...
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, okay, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned, and the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31You all right?
05:37You all right?
06:16Hey, dude, I know you, mate.
06:20I'm a huge fan.
06:21You're talented.
06:22No, no, no.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You're an exceptional actor.
06:25I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, man.
06:27Listen, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather?
06:29She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Hey, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street.
06:33Guess who I've been to?
06:34Deb fucking Patel.
06:36What?
06:37Deb Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog.
06:41She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honor to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Deb Patel.
06:59What?
07:00He's not Deb Patel.
07:02Look how short he is.
07:03Davis, tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:08Hello, Shah Jahan Latif.
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:13Who's Shah's...
07:14Shah's...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, sir.
07:23No problem, sir.
07:27Assalamualaikum, Mr. Latif, Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your Muba experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so.
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42I don't like the jahadi, but it's a lot of sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47Of course I like that.
07:48You like sphincter, you just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52I wish my apology, please.
07:53You're awesome.
07:54I'll show that.
07:54You took in love here.
07:55Oi, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these mini dildos lying around in the garage.
08:23It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27All right.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:37What?
08:39Say, mashallah.
08:40Mashallah.
08:40Brother, if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Right.
08:43Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro?
08:46Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:58I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you going cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You're mistreturning for mine.
09:13Yeah, we didn't, actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18What?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Oh, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah, because you turned it around.
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NBA.
09:31NBA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:01Okay.
10:01Tahira, when will I get back?
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Okay, I need my silver rally set tomorrow.
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no.
10:12It will be fine, right?
10:13Yes, yes.
10:13It's a good thing.
10:14It's a good thing.
10:15Salam alakum, auntie.
10:17Salam alakum.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22Mashallah.
10:23Bye.
10:24Bye.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:27Look who is here.
10:28Look who is here.
10:28Who knows him?
10:29Honey, brother.
10:30Come here.
10:31Come here.
10:32No, no.
10:32No, no.
10:32You'll die.
10:33You'll die.
10:33I'll come back to my house.
10:34It's been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37A couple of weeks?
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job, like audition thing.
10:41You're dying.
10:42You're not keeping your rose here.
10:43Oh, you're not keeping your rose here.
10:44Oh, you're not keeping your rose here.
10:46You should fast all year.
10:48You know what's going on here?
10:50My mind has come back so many days.
10:52He's going back to Salim's kiss.
10:53He bought a car, bought a car, bought a house.
10:56Yeah, he bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Marco Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02No, I'm sorry.
11:03No, don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07Google Alerts, I haven't seen anything at some time, right?
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't want to talk about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just a dua.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Dua for you, Swash Amir.
11:27Dua for you all the time.
11:28Dua.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just a dua.
11:30Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from, brother?
11:35I don't see TV.
11:37I don't see any of you.
11:38Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:41You don't have time for it.
11:42You don't have time for it.
11:44You don't have time for it.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48Listen, don't come back.
11:50Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56All the money you give, you don't have to take, Salim.
11:59Oi, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're beginning to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:08Braw!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey, I wasn't able to...
12:18You're going to charge me.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia, don't you?
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen, if you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:26Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counteroffer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Sharpie, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be Cap.
12:48It might be Cap.
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:49It's a Bond, man, I've on.
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contract him.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's up?
13:01Bro, why didn't you tell me?
13:02You're speaking for him.
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:06It's just an audition.
13:07It's an audition.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:10It's all right.
13:11What's up, man?
13:11His Bond is white.
13:13Hold on.
13:14Hold on.
13:14Hold on.
13:15Hold on.
13:15Hold on.
13:15I'm the haram.
13:16He's playing.
13:17Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19He's doing sex.
13:20What's up?
13:21What's up?
13:22What's up?
13:22What's up?
13:23I'm the haram.
13:24He's doing sex James Bond.
13:25I'm actually Bond.
13:27Listen, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You know, brown James Bond.
13:33I should be proud.
13:34It's going to be mad.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine, imagine it.
13:38Daniel Crick will be 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Shahjoo will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47What's up, bro?
13:48What's up, bro?
13:54I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:00Carson, yo, look at me.
14:03I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11You mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes.
14:14Like James Bond's a big, ain't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
14:32I'm just wondering.
15:04Yeah, yeah, where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever. What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised about how much you're trending.
15:21Right?
15:22And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes! Oh!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s
15:31and you know that demographic gets them wet.
15:33Oh my God.
15:34So listen, sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:43God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing, we can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sure, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, I'm just thinking, initially, all that old music,
15:57just the really political bits. What do you think?
16:01As your agent, let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there. All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood. So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh. Okay, okay. So, what were you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it? Or...
16:24Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into. You just are.
16:31Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.
17:13Oh, shit. Hey.
17:16What are you doing here?
17:18Me? What are you doing here?
17:20Me all, everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:37I'm going to go.
17:41I'm going to go.
17:42What are you saying, bro?
17:42What's up, bro?
17:43What's up, bro?
17:43Look who's back on the street!
17:44That's like Taze and them.
17:45Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro.
17:46Brickshaw!
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:49Yeah, it put it. It's working.
17:50Look at it.
17:50You're coming in, bro. You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying? Amity?
17:53Yes, dude.
17:53What are you saying, man?
17:55What are you saying?
17:55You're saying Gotham City right now?
17:57What?
17:57No, it's not Gotham.
17:58Bro, don't you know?
17:59Totally new Batman.
18:00It's not fair, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:03Hey, bro, be easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05This is just an audition.
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take pictures for that girl.
18:10It's safe, man.
18:11Alright, it's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking...
18:13What?
18:14Forget it, forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15Nah, nah, I'm just...
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you tonight?
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:28Like, how dare you, bro?
18:29You know?
18:29Nothing.
18:30You just...
18:30You come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33Walking through here all like...
18:35Look at me, look at me.
18:36Bro, I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it like that.
18:42You're a dickhead.
18:43You're a dickhead.
18:44I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:46Maybe...
18:47Uh, yeah.
18:48I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd.
18:49Like, um...
18:50You know, like the old days.
18:51Paul, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:52Shut up, man.
18:53Uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:57Just don't pay attention to it, alright?
18:58It's all bullshit.
19:02London, are you ready for a taste?
19:03Ghast!
19:04Oh my god!
19:34Yes, yes, it's not done.
19:36Special guest MC in the buildings.
19:38MC.
19:39Right shot.
20:13Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
20:48Yes, yes, yes, yes.
21:11It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast, but few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two, Daniel Craig's a dear friend, big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:41Yeah, Nigel Murray.
21:43How are you?
21:43Thank God.
21:44Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right.
21:49Yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I'm ready to do the full service.
21:58You haven't got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:04So, house has two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:1460 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Oh, you really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:23Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25So, your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume?
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah, just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds, whether
22:57in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yeah, you just got here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar, all right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs, like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but, yeah?
23:23We're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:39Bro, what the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cos?
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so.
23:45Chill your poo-pum out.
23:46Learn from the mandem.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:48What you want to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10They're hard as fucking they're committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:17If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny Lully, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Doing my birthday in every day.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking vagabond could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38Aye, professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it'll be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand that?
24:47Shah, you better be a janu and help me take this to the car.
24:51Chalo, no.
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Reed.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58Look at you, buddy.
25:00What are you doing?
25:01What?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country, swelling kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Tahira.
25:10What are you doing?
25:12Naila.
25:13Hey, it's been two days.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17I don't know.
25:17You have done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and D more work?
25:22It's nothing, Tahira.
25:23I was telling you.
25:24I could be doing so much more.
25:27Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody, stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:41Huh?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should have gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Ghar dek, Tahira.
25:49Nothing's done here.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please.
25:52Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55So long, he was saying.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah,
26:01but tie up your camel.
26:04Micah, he knows his stuff.
26:06You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about
26:11moving your Eid celebrations
26:12to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai
26:15thinks he knows our business.
26:16Who is this?
26:16I got tremendous respect for Islamic culture,
26:18especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23So...
26:23He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:52But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look, this is for you,
26:58as you quote,
26:59although I would be willing to postpone payment,
27:03you know,
27:03in consideration of the future work,
27:06because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services
27:09a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh, well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes in.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What do you do?
27:22You asked me to do security,
27:23not for tonight.
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way,
27:32I stole the dashcams.
27:33The battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fits, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own, or...
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04You want your shoes on, trainers?
28:07Can I range it?
28:09Oh, get rid of you, fucker.
28:32Wait, that is a proper go-fuck out of there.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture board,
28:42that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man, how are you going to fucking battle them
28:45with your horny make-up face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do
28:48when you're on the red carpet.
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
28:51but you're worried the camera's going to shag you back.
28:52No, I'm not.
28:52Don't put that in my head right now.
28:53You're going to put me off.
28:55Okay.
28:56For confirmation, because...
28:57What is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What, man?
28:58I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version
29:00of fucking planet Earth.
29:01All right, let me just eat something.
29:04Raj Taka?
29:05Motherfucker!
29:06All right, all right.
29:07Don't jizz on my level of seats.
29:08You can't afford to clean your feet.
29:09Okay, listen.
29:09Let's just go there and smash it, all right?
29:11Brother, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
29:15Look at this.
29:16Halal Harry Bowls.
29:17Custom-specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19Your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Kaz, look at me.
29:22We are arriving like this.
29:23This is fast and furious,
29:24but without the four skins.
29:25You understand?
29:26Come on, let's get it, Kaz, yes?
29:27Yeah, you ready?
29:28Yes, bro.
29:31Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement,
29:47but also some displeasure
29:50at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong
29:54has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:57Well, it's why I want the role.
29:59It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech
30:03at the King's Museum Gala?
30:05Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this, too,
30:10is what British looks like.
30:16Hey, yo, listen, I support the team.
30:19I support the team,
30:19but when you finish tonight,
30:20please get home with movers, okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry, there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:26Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me, sister.
30:29No!
30:30Stop!
30:32MC Rickshaw made!
30:35Can I get a pic?
30:37You want a pic?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey, yo, guys!
30:39Guys!
30:40Come and get a picture
30:40with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi!
30:43Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we've got to go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man, slow down!
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:52Let's wear the photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take
30:55with them lot,
30:55it's not the right image
30:57I'm going for right now, all right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We've got to get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think
31:03you're His Majesty's Secret Service
31:05or something, eh?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy
31:07all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father
31:09fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want to respect my guy?
31:12Keep it real, yeah?
31:12Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:18I'm not doing the face.
31:19You're doing the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah, you know what that is?
31:25You're like a pedophile journal, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say pedophile
31:28and I don't have a camera?
31:28Because they don't have a sound.
31:29It's a photo.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32Really, I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate,
31:35Magra Machika Lern.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to
31:39about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you
31:41done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh, I think it's because
31:43I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, you live in Newhouse, I suppose?
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:51Oh, I'm guessing
31:52I have a plus one.
31:54Mr. Soufrakhan Ali,
31:56CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be
31:58like an official record
31:58that I'm here tonight,
31:59so thank you.
32:02Cuz, where the fuck
32:03have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarls Bullsack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings
32:08like me.
32:09So, how's your family
32:11dealing with all this?
32:12The same way
32:13we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team, together.
32:15Now, I'm proud to say
32:17that we've all got
32:18each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:21Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find
32:31this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here
32:34if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:36My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some evil, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41All right, listen.
32:42I'm going to work on it.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Should we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45We're not like that.
32:46I mean, like,
32:47convince her together, like,
32:48good packing, bad packing.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53But, good packing.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:03If you said any more money,
33:04so we're going to think I'm going to talk complex.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:08Oh, you didn't.
33:08You're uncomfortable.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Char Latif.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Latif.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed
33:19has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Latif?
33:22I was actually wondering
33:23what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims
33:26that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers
33:29five times a day.
33:30If you call me,
33:32Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:35This museum means a great deal to me,
33:36and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me
33:40to see young people engaging
33:41in a conversation
33:43about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though,
33:48if you don't have an ambassador of sorts
33:50to help bridge the divide
33:51between those on the inside
33:52and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi,
33:58my guy, come on.
33:59So we could be in that region.
34:01I, for one,
34:01would be honoured
34:02to get up there
34:03and say a few words
34:04about how global Britain truly is,
34:07both its artefacts
34:08and its people.
34:09You know, I'm an ape, then, Dian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17originally from London?
34:19But I understand
34:19your latest acquisition
34:20is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes,
34:22but treasures
34:23like the one we're unveiling tonight
34:24don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up
34:28and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No,
34:31Miss Lateef.
34:32That's simply not
34:32how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides,
34:36we already have our dear friend
34:37Raj Thakkar
34:37giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:41And so I say to him,
34:42Your Majesty.
34:47And now,
34:48to the more uncomfortable
34:49part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think
34:52this was going to be
34:53all softballs,
34:54did you?
34:55Raj Thakkar,
34:56your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on,
35:00come on,
35:00you can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room
35:03as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh,
35:05sorry,
35:06Sir,
35:06Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think
35:09that there's plenty of room
35:10for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh,
35:12please.
35:13A day ago,
35:14you were the only brown bloke
35:15up for the job.
35:16And now,
35:17there are two.
35:18And word on the web is
35:19he'd make
35:20a better Bond.
35:21Yeah,
35:21well,
35:21I don't really pay attention
35:22to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should,
35:25old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name
35:27with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say
35:30he's thought of
35:31as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit,
35:35Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince
35:38that museum director
35:39to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect
35:41to convince the world
35:42that you
35:43can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand
35:45a chance
35:46in a whore's pyjamas,
35:48do you,
35:48you pussyhole?
35:50He's the good addition,
35:51you push-gun!
35:55No use being angry
35:57with me.
35:58You only have
35:59yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey!
36:09Hey, Charlotte.
36:10Man, I haven't seen you
36:11in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last
36:13time I saw you?
36:15Mango Tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:17Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about
36:22this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman
36:24eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time
36:26to colonial India,
36:27falls in love
36:28with this Indian guy
36:29and they have this relationship
36:30over space and time.
36:31It's about her.
36:32Love's timeless
36:33and crosses all sorts
36:34of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why
36:36I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:39Just for it.
36:40Yeah, thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible,
36:42by the way.
36:43And very, very smart
36:44getting photographed
36:45in the tugs
36:45and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here
36:47to support one of our nation's
36:49most important
36:49cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got
36:54people going mental,
36:55hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are
36:56passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate,
36:59though, the hate,
37:00it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably
37:02probably getting
37:03a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:08You've just got
37:08to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting
37:10their asses at dead-end jobs
37:11just to put food
37:13on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah, yeah.
37:15And we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small
37:16price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some
37:18psycho sent a pig's head
37:20to my mum's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fucking hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them
37:27that no amount of hate
37:29is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually,
37:31if this museum
37:32can house treasures
37:33from all around the world,
37:34then this country
37:34has to take in people
37:36from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just want to make a statement
37:40showing that this,
37:41this too,
37:42is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that
37:46because I heard
37:46that you're speaking later
37:47and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something
37:52important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:54I'll tell you what,
37:55why don't I go up first
37:56and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Muba guy.
38:06Yeah, I overheard you
38:07chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Yeah.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I gotta go.
38:20That's my mum.
38:21You brought your mum?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her,
38:24so I shouldn't be here
38:25without her, you know?
38:26It's all thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:31Man.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat
38:35I've ever met
38:36or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39Security guy.
38:42That's all I'm to.
38:43You literally told me
38:44to bring you here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49You're a can of pay.
38:50Champagne, halloumi.
38:51Just have a little can of pay, bro.
38:54Just have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things,
38:58the big things, none of it.
38:58Have some halloumi.
38:59Halloumi.
39:00Halloumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:10Too kind.
39:14Good evening.
39:15In 2001,
39:17we watched in horror
39:19as Taliban fanatics
39:21laid waste
39:22to a once great nation's
39:23cultural heritage.
39:25We wept
39:26as monuments to peace
39:28were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight,
39:31we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year,
39:3515 million pound
39:36restoration project,
39:38it is my honor
39:39to present to you tonight
39:40the restored
39:42Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm
40:01that I invite
40:02tonight's guest speaker
40:03to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman
40:05in Vampire Hunter
40:06I've ever had the pleasure
40:07of meeting,
40:08Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor
40:17to be here,
40:17I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum
40:22is home to
40:24artifacts
40:24from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow
40:27that England too
40:28is home to people
40:29from those same places.
40:31And tonight
40:32is a celebration,
40:32but I would like
40:33to speak with you all
40:34about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman
40:37and as a person
40:38of color.
40:40Recently,
40:41racist hate
40:44took the form
40:46of a severed pig's head
40:48delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
40:59But no amount of hate
41:01will make me hide.
41:03Those driven by prejudice,
41:06they need to see us
41:08in these spaces.
41:11And because this too
41:13is what British
41:14looks like.
41:21Excuse me,
41:22Sir Latif.
41:22You have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be
41:25your brother
41:25has been harassing
41:26and racially profiling
41:28museum guests.
41:29What?
41:33Oh, and
41:34Sir Latif wanted
41:35to say something too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Sir?
41:39Otherwise,
41:39we're going to have
41:39to escort him
41:40off the premises
41:40immediately.
41:42I don't know.
42:00So, let's talk about
42:01your big moment.
42:02The speech
42:03that never was.
42:05A silky bit of
42:06spycraft
42:07from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly
42:09made for the role.
42:10Not to mention
42:11he can get
42:12the bleeding lines
42:13out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:19Let's see.
42:21I also had
42:22a pig's head
42:23said to myself.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more
42:31frozen than me.
42:33But it's not
42:34your acting
42:35that's the problem,
42:36is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have
42:40the balls
42:41to be bombed.
42:43Hey, yo,
42:43cut.
42:44Come on,
42:44me,
42:44you're one and only
42:45fans.
42:45You turned your
42:46back on your
42:47own fans.
42:48Man,
42:49slow down!
42:49You turned
42:50your back
42:51on your own
42:51family.
42:52I can't
42:53get the fuck
42:53with me, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you
42:57are never the
42:58heroes of the
42:59story.
43:00You'll always
43:01just be
43:02a scared
43:04little
43:04pack it.
43:09Send him
43:10back where
43:10he came from!
43:15AHHHHH!
43:17AHHHHH!
43:18AHHHHH!
43:21AHHHHH!
43:23AHHHHH!
43:24AHHHHH!
43:24AHHHHH!
43:32AHHHHH!
43:33AHHHHH!
43:34AHHHHH!
43:35AHHHHH!
43:36AHHHHH!
43:38AHHHHH!
43:41Yeah?
43:46Okay?
43:47Yeah, you?
43:48What were you
43:49doing?
43:50Nothing.
43:51What were you
43:51doing?
43:52Nothing, bro.
43:53It's 2am.
43:54Were you
43:54talking to
43:55someone or
43:55what?
43:56Oh,
43:57sorry, man.
43:58I was just
43:58running lines.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume,
44:01isn't it?
44:02All right,
44:03well,
44:03the moon's
44:03been sited,
44:04so...
44:05Eid Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:09Night-night,
44:09you weirdo.
44:13Eid Mubarak,
44:15bitch!
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