- 18 minutes ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Full Series]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:30No.
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16How long do you need to remove my mic?
04:18Joe!
04:19Joe!
04:22Joe!
04:26Joe!
04:27Joe!
04:28Joe!
04:29Joe!
04:32Joe!
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:13Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:32You all right?
06:11Oh, my God.
06:15Hey!
06:16What?
06:16Dude!
06:17What?
06:18I know you!
06:18Mate!
06:20I'm a huge fan!
06:21You're talented!
06:22No, no, I'm not.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, mate.
06:27Can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather?
06:29She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Babe, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street, guess who I've been to?
06:35Dev fucking Patel!
06:37What?
06:37Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be past Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Dev Patel!
06:59What?
07:00He's not Dev Patel!
07:02Look how short he is!
07:03Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif.
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's Shah Jahan?
07:14Shah Jahan Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, sir.
07:27Assalamualaikum Mr. Lateef Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for a silent ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42You are looking like the jihadi, but you are looking like the sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47Of course I like that.
07:48You like sphincter, you just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52Watch my pulse, please.
07:53You're awesome.
07:54You took in love here.
07:55Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27Alright.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:31Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:36Hmm.
08:37Hmm.
08:38What?
08:39Say mashallah.
08:40Mashallah.
08:40If you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Right.
08:44Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
08:47Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:58I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00Is it?
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you going cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You're mistreturning for mine.
09:13No, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah, because you turned it around.
09:25Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:54Okay, I'm coming.
10:00Ah, Tahira.
10:02When will I come back?
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Okay.
10:08Do you need a silver rally set tomorrow?
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no, thank you.
10:12It will look good, right?
10:13Yes, yes, yes.
10:14It's old.
10:14It's old, right?
10:15Thank you, auntie.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Bye.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:27Look who's here.
10:28Look who's here.
10:28Who's here?
10:29Honey, son, come here.
10:31Come here.
10:31Come here.
10:32I'll die.
10:33I'll die.
10:34I'll die.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37How many weeks?
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this black audition thing.
10:41You're dying for the living room.
10:43Oh, you're dying for the living room.
10:44Oh, you're dying for the living room.
10:46You're dying for the living room.
10:48You're dying for the living room.
10:50You're dying for the living room.
10:50My mind is dying for the living room.
10:54He has a car.
10:55He bought a car.
10:56He bought a home.
10:56He bought a bottle.
10:57He bought a bottle.
10:58He bought a bottle.
10:58I bought a bottle.
10:58I thought it was Marko Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02I didn't know.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05I'm sorry, sir.
11:07I've seen a Google Alert.
11:08I haven't seen a couple times.
11:11Right?
11:11There's stuff going on.
11:12I'm sorry.
11:15Don't talk about it.
11:16Don't talk about it.
11:16Okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Prayer for you.
11:26I pray for you all the time.
11:29Okay?
11:30Yes, I pray for you.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from?
11:35I don't see the TV.
11:37I don't see anything.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:42You don't have time.
11:42You don't have a pop.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48Listen, don't come back.
11:50Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I've booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56All the money they give, they'll take something.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Shit!
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You've been getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey, I wasn't able to review my body charge me.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia, I told you.
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:25Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you it can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:32Fifty percent of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Sharpie, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46What?
12:47Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Greg Daniel.
13:01What is that?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05Man, man.
13:05It's 59, man.
13:06Super James Bond.
13:07Listen.
13:08It's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09That's all it is.
13:10What?
13:10What's wrong with you?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13What's wrong with you?
13:15I'm the wrong with you.
13:17Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19What do you do?
13:20I'm the wrong with you.
13:23I'm the wrong with you.
13:24I'm the wrong with you.
13:25I'm actually wrong with you.
13:27Listen.
13:27Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal, you know.
13:32Brown James Bond.
13:33I should be proud.
13:34You know.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine, imagine it.
13:38Daniel Kri got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Shaju will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Stop.
13:48Stop.
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:54Why?
13:54Why don't you tell me?
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Look at me.
14:02I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond.
14:07Come on, my guy.
14:07Come on.
14:08Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
15:05Yeah, where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed.
15:09What the fuck do you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:13What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised
15:19about how much you're trending.
15:21And because of the reaction,
15:23they might give you a second chance of audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s
15:31and you know that demographic gets them wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:45Yeah. So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sure. I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, I'm just thinking,
15:56unless you delete all that old music,
15:58just the really political bits.
15:59What do you think?
16:01As your agent, let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online
16:07fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there. All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find the thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh. Okay, okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or...
16:24Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen, just don't do anything
16:32and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:36Mm-hmm.
16:58Yeah, I should go.
17:02Let's go.
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing here you know everywhere today
17:24pretty cool isn't it
17:41what's good look who's back on the street
17:47what's up bro this shit blew up huh yeah it's working
17:50you killed it man what are you saying am it yes what are you doing here man are you meant
17:55to be
17:55protecting Gotham City right now what no it's not Gotham oh don't you know to the new Batman it's not
18:00bad man James Bond about easy with the Hollywood big man shit but this is the audition you know
18:06what we need to take pictures for that girl same man all right it's good to see you I'm just
18:12thinking
18:13what forget it forget it it's cool man I'm not fair no no I'm just on I just had a
18:18mad thought I
18:19wouldn't it be sick if I um I warmed up for you lot tonight because I think the crowd would
18:25love it
18:25be like a reunion be like old times bro and like how dare you bro you know nothing you
18:30just you come back you act like you fucking own this place walking through here or like look at
18:35me look at me Bravo I didn't I didn't mean it like that I didn't mean I can't act the
18:45hustle man
18:45yo maybe yeah I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd like um you know like the old
18:51days well I'll meet you on stage with a mic who shot man uh there's like a lot of hate
18:55coming at you on
18:55the internet right now just don't pay attention to it all right it's all bullshit
19:01London are you ready for a case
19:03what do you want to do
19:06oh my god
19:11you
19:12um
19:18oh
19:21oh
19:22oh
19:23oh
19:24oh
19:26oh
19:34Yes, yes, well done.
19:36We're some guest MC in the buildings.
19:38MC.
19:39Right shot.
19:56No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:59No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:07No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
20:09no, no.
20:09I can go on the right path.
20:11We've fallen here.
20:14I'm sorry to everyone.
20:15My Lord.
20:19Yes, this is a cross from the front.
20:21Allah is the King.
20:28R.S.A.N.A.M.I.
20:44R.S.A.N.A.M.I.
20:48Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:50Yeah.
20:51007.
21:06Sha Latif, welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart with me, Sir Patrick Stewart.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast, but few who have had such an eventful
21:2124 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already.
21:23That's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two, Daniel Craig's dear friend, big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right.
21:49Yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:53Sorry.
21:53Yeah.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah.
21:57No, we do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Right.
22:00Tell you what.
22:00Let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:03Yeah.
22:04Yeah.
22:04The house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence
22:11along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:13Sixty friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25All right.
22:26So your guests are for Idel Fettir, I presume?
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds, whether
22:57in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up.
23:16Okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week is free.
23:19Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:22Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:39Bro, what the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security?
23:42I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom pom out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:48What are you going to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start.
24:13I'm a dresser, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny Lully, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Doing my butt day and everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand that?
24:46Shah.
24:47Shah, brother.
24:48Shah, you better go here and help me take this to the car.
24:51I...
24:51Come on.
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Reid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58Look at Putin.
25:00What are you doing?
25:00What?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country swelling.
25:08Kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:10What are you doing?
25:12Naila!
25:13Hey!
25:14It's been two days.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17You've done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila Andy more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling the Shahju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27After the last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:29Why not?
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop!
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48The house is not ready.
25:50The house won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please.
25:52Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet.
25:54Please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy.
26:04He knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just wanna say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations
26:12to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16Who is this?
26:16I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23This is a walk camera.
26:26The hero has a lot of pain.
26:28Naila Ji.
26:29We'll come back with you.
26:31Paradez, Paradez.
26:32If something happened,
26:33you're responsible.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy.
26:39I didn't...
26:40Mommy.
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colourful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother,
26:49he's...
26:49Seems nice.
26:51Well, he's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you.
26:58Here's your quote.
26:59Although,
26:59I would be willing to postpone payment,
27:03you know,
27:03in consideration of future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh!
27:10Well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes in.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What did you do?
27:22You asked me to do security, no?
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no.
27:29Absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way,
27:32those stolen dashcams,
27:33the battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fits, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own, or...?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04I've got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:09Go on, get ready, you fucker.
28:13Come on, come on.
28:25Come on.
28:26Come on.
28:27Come on, come on, come on.
28:29Come on, come on.
28:31Come on, come on.
28:32That is a proper go fucker, there.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Alright bro, you might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41what when you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man how are you
28:44gonna fucking battle them with your horny make-up face what you know the face that you do when
28:48you're on the red carpet it looks like you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried
28:51the camera's gonna shag you no i'm not don't put that in my head right now you're gonna put me
28:54off
28:55okay for confirmation what is that yeah what man i look good there you look like you're making a
29:00pervy version of fucking planet earth all right let me just see something raj taka mother fucker
29:06it's all right all right don't jizz on my level seats you can't afford the cleaning fee okay listen
29:09let's just go there and smash it all right brother we are already fucking smashing it okay we are
29:13arriving in the muba prime experience look at this halal harry bowels custom specifically branded
29:18zamzam water your little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast
29:23and furious but without the four skins you understand come on let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes
29:28okay yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee there's a lot of excitement but
29:48also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati playing pond proving those voices wrong has been my
29:55life's mission how so well it's why i want the role it's why i'm here speaking to you is that
30:01why
30:01you wanted to make a speech at the king's museum gala exactly to show people that this is what a
30:08hero
30:08can look like to show them that this too is what british looks like hey yo listen i support the
30:18team i
30:19support the team but when you finish tonight please get home with muba okay that's for you
30:23sorry there's no where service to your area i'm turkish your turkish then there's service in your
30:27area thank you excuse me sister no mc rickshaw mate can i get a pic you want a pic i'll
30:38kick you next
30:38week hey yo guys guys come and get a picture with your one and only fan come on oi bro
30:43you ignoring me
30:44Bro, we gotta go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:48Man, sold out.
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Yo, yo, yo.
30:52Let's wear the photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take with them lot,
30:55it's not the right image I'm going for right now.
30:58All right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We gotta get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're his majesty's secret service
31:05or something, eh?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy all around me.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want that respect, my guy?
31:11Keep it real.
31:12Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again.
31:18I'm not doing the face.
31:19You're doing the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah.
31:24You know what that is?
31:25You look like a paedophile germal, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say paedophile germal?
31:28Because they don't have sound.
31:29It's fault.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32Really, I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate, Magar Machika Learn.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh, I think it's because I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, it'll be a new house, I suppose.
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:50Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:54Mr. Souflika Ali, CEO of Movie Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so thank you.
32:02Cuz, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team, together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:21Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:37My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some eagle, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41Come on.
32:41All right, listen, now.
32:42I'm going to go work on her.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that.
32:46I mean, like, convince her together, like.
32:48Good packy, bad packy.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like good cop, bad cop.
32:53I've got packies.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:58I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:03You said there's any more money,
33:04so we're going to think you have an even talk complex.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:08You're uncomfortable.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Charlotte Eve.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Latif.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Latif?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:34This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:51on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Raza.
33:55Ali Raza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi.
33:58My guy, come on.
33:59You see, we could be in that region.
34:00I, for one, would be honoured to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
34:07is, both in its artefacts and its people.
34:09You know, I'm an ape, then, Dian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:58Come on, come on.
35:00You can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry.
35:06Sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.
35:16And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should, old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:33Cut the camel shit, Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a horse pajamas, do you?
35:48You pussy hole.
35:50Are you still going to dissing, you pussy cunt?
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey.
36:09Hey, sure, I love this man.
36:11I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:15Mango Tree Premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:17Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India.
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy.
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time.
36:31It's about her.
36:32Loves timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:39Just for it.
36:40Yeah, thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very smart.
36:44Getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here to support one of our nation's most important.
36:49Cultural institutions.
36:51Um, just...
36:53The bottom thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate, though.
36:59The hate is a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:08You've just got to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah.
37:15We are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mum's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fuck, you know.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:25Um, I want to show them that no amount of hate is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world, then this country
37:34has to take in people from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38Yeah?
37:38I just want to make a statement showing that this, this, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you're speaking later and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:54I'll tell you what, why don't I go up first and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59Yeah, yeah.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Mooba guy.
38:06Yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:13Yeah.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I gotta go.
38:20That's my mom.
38:21You brought your mom?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her, so I shouldn't be here without her, you know?
38:26It's all thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat I've ever met or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39He's a pretty guy.
38:42That's what I'm doing.
38:43You literally told me to bring her here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49Do you eat a canapé?
38:50Champagne, gentlemen.
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things, the big things.
38:58None of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
38:59Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know, I don't use Google.
39:10Too kind.
39:13Good evening.
39:14In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:25We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, 15 million pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:40the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman in Vampire Hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31And tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman and as a person of color.
40:40Recently, racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:54My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:04Those driven by prejudice, they need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Sir Latif.
41:23Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:29What?
41:33Oh, and, uh, Sir Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Sir?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:42I don't know it.
41:50I know.
41:59So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:03The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention, he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to my mom's house.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:44You turned your back on your own fans.
42:49You turned your back on your own family.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little tacky.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:14No!
43:17No!
43:18No!
43:21No!
43:24No!
43:26No!
43:27Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
43:41Yeah?
43:46Okay?
43:48Yeah, are you?
43:48What were you doing?
43:50Nothing.
43:51What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro.
43:53It's 2 a.m.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:57Oh, sorry, man, I was just running late.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume in it.
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so.
44:06Eve Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:09Night-night, you weirdo.
44:14Eve Mubarak, bitch.
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