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00:10And this is a recurring dream that you're having?
00:16Yes.
00:17And in it, the two of you are riding in that convertible
00:21in the motorcade in Dallas.
00:24Only you're the one that's injured.
00:27And what are you wearing?
00:28I'm wearing the same thing as Mother wore,
00:30the pink tweed suit and the pillbox hat.
00:34She hates wearing hats.
00:36I do.
00:37Okay, well, obviously, that's what tracks
00:39with what we're talking about in our sessions,
00:42the idea that you are paying the price
00:45for John's fame, for John's ambitions.
00:48It also speaks to an outsized fear of exposure
00:52of the real world.
00:54Let's just try not to editorialize, okay?
00:56Well, maybe if I was at home sleeping with her in our bed,
00:59she wouldn't be having these nightmares.
01:01You were the one who decided to leave,
01:02and now you're saying your absence is the problem.
01:04Yeah, so we wouldn't say anything we could never take back.
01:07Yeah, so you go on a walk, John.
01:08You don't move out.
01:09I didn't move out.
01:10You left, and then you, you...
01:12Yeah, you didn't come back.
01:13So how would you characterize that?
01:14Oh, my God.
01:15And if that is your instinct to bolt when things get hard,
01:17how can I trust you just won't keep doing it?
01:19I was the one that made it very clear that divorce was off the table.
01:22So I should just feel comforted that you have unilaterally issued that decree?
01:26It means that the only option in my mind is to make this marriage work.
01:30John, there is a difference between not wanting us to fail
01:32and wanting us to succeed.
01:35John views our marriage through the lens of the media.
01:37He's more concerned with the optics of our issues than our actual issues.
01:41We cannot just ignore the fact that we live under a microscope because it's inconvenient.
01:46I cannot be the third person in my marriage,
01:49spending the rest of my life competing with everyone else in the world
01:52or his family's legacy or his magazine.
01:58I know that this is going to sound counterintuitive,
02:01but just based on everything that I'm hearing,
02:06I would advise a trial separation.
02:12I'm sorry, what?
02:13Your advice for our marriage is divorce?
02:17No.
02:18But I think part of the reason that you two aren't finding any clarity
02:23is that you're stuck in this sort of liminal space.
02:30Maybe if you severed contact for a little while,
02:35you would gain a clearer idea of what you're missing
02:39or what your life would actually look like without the other.
02:44Mm-hmm.
02:45Like for how long?
02:47Yeah, like one, two weeks?
02:49A month, maybe two.
02:53Um, do you have like too many clients or how many?
02:56No, no. I mean, you obviously would see me,
02:59you just wouldn't see each other.
03:01I can't not talk to my wife for a month.
03:04Yeah, I don't want to do that either.
03:06I mean, I don't think I could, even if you asked me to.
03:10Well, I mean, you won't come together, you won't let go,
03:15and instead you are just white-knuckling this marriage
03:18into a downward spiral.
03:47What happened to one cigarette a day?
03:49We're drinking in a dive bar in the middle of a work day
03:52after marriage counseling.
03:54I'd say my discipline is shot for the day.
04:12You know something funny?
04:14When I'm at the Stanhope, reminiscing about our life together,
04:18I never replay the bad moments in my head.
04:21All I think about is us at our best.
04:25Laughing, always reaching out for each other.
04:29Never enough for us to just be in the same room.
04:31We always have to feel each other,
04:33to know that we're really there.
04:35And then when we get together,
04:36it's all we can do not to rehash every fight we've ever had.
04:39I don't think we're totally to blame.
04:43Our marriage counselor...
04:47hates us.
04:49Yeah.
04:49I think she's gonna become a divorce mediator
04:51because of us.
04:54You know what I was thinking about the other day?
04:56Hmm?
04:57That trip we took...
04:59to Honduras?
05:00When you got poison ivy everywhere
05:02and I had to wrap your hands in socks
05:04to keep you from itching?
05:06There was calamine lotion everywhere.
05:07Yeah, one big...
05:09pink...
05:10man.
05:11Very messy.
05:12What about that time we had sex
05:14on the rooftop in Paris
05:15and you almost got electrocuted?
05:17Worth it.
05:27If only we knew then.
05:29Why?
05:33How could we add it?
05:46We should get going.
05:47One more drink in this place
05:48and we really will be a sob story.
05:53Hey.
05:54Sorry.
05:56It's okay.
05:59Do you mind if I drop by
06:00and, um,
06:01get that linen blazer?
06:05So,
06:06I love you.
06:06All in A
06:07I love you.
06:20I love you.
06:24I love you.
06:28I love you.
06:29I love you.
06:32I hear you.
06:33I love you.
06:34I'm away, I'm away, I'm away.
06:54Best kiss we've ever had.
06:57It has to be our first, outside your apartment.
07:00No, no, that doesn't count.
07:03I mean, as a couple.
07:04There have been lots?
07:06Yeah.
07:09Jones Beach?
07:10Which time?
07:13What about by that fire in that lodge in Montana?
07:20Now I remember when it was.
07:22Fuck, I'm so late.
07:28Hey, wait, give me a kiss.
07:34Bye.
07:35I'll see you later, yeah?
07:37Okay.
07:39Love you.
07:39Love you.
07:40Bye.
07:40Bye.
07:47That's not what I had in mind.
07:56Ah, okay.
07:58A little happy.
08:03Bye gonna have fun.
08:53There you go, buddy.
09:15Good morning.
09:16Hi.
09:17Hi.
09:21Sorry, I didn't want to wake you.
09:23No, it's fine.
09:24I know you haven't been sleeping well.
09:25It's okay.
09:28I have a 9 a.m. breakfast.
09:32Gotcha.
09:36I can cancel it.
09:38No, no, it's fine.
09:38I just, um, I thought maybe we might want to talk about last night.
09:44Yeah?
09:45Yeah.
09:49I mean, do you feel bad?
09:53Uh, no.
09:56I, I don't know, do you feel good about what's happening right now?
10:03Why don't we meet for lunch?
10:06You know what?
10:07It's probably best we just talk about it at counseling anyway.
10:12Do you think we'd tell Colleen?
10:14I mean, we kind of did exactly the opposite of what she asked us to.
10:21John, I'm confused.
10:22Are we angling for a gold star here or trying to save our marriage?
10:27I mean, I just don't want her to think that we're any more self-destructive than she already
10:30does.
10:35Am I seeing you at the George Gala?
10:37No, John, I, I, I just can't right now.
10:42So then I assume Rory's wedding is off the table?
10:48I love you, but you still don't get it.
10:52It's not as easy for me as it is for you.
10:55What is it?
10:57Pretending like everything's okay.
11:00I can assure you that this is anything but easy for me.
11:04I'll talk to you later.
11:07Yeah.
11:23I don't think I've been back here since she died.
11:27You look terrible.
11:29Wow. Mom really is here with us.
11:31You're graying.
11:32Yeah, well, stress will do that to you.
11:42Sit down.
11:46It's a lot.
11:51But you have to ask yourself what's actually within your control.
11:55And what can you save?
11:58She won't forgive me.
11:59For what?
12:00Ruining her life?
12:02Destroying her anonymity?
12:04Failing to protect her?
12:06I mean, I remember sitting here with mom and her telling me that any woman I ended up with would
12:11be under the illusion that we were entering a partnership.
12:13When in reality, they'd just have to orbit me like everybody else.
12:20She was married to the president of the United States.
12:23All she knew was how to orbit a great man.
12:27But you aren't dad and Carolyn isn't the first lady.
12:32John, you dated countless women who were more than willing to let you be the center of the universe and
12:38none of them stuck.
12:39And then you met someone who wasn't willing to contort themselves into whatever they thought you needed.
12:44And you fell in love.
12:47And now those qualities, that fire, that self-possession, aren't serving you anymore and you're crying foul.
12:53I have tried everything in my power to make her happy.
12:58What she's asking of you feels unreasonable because no one has ever asked it of you before.
13:03Your whole life, people have been willing to take whatever pieces of yourself you're willing to give them, but she
13:08isn't.
13:11And she was never going to be someone who would be.
13:19I know you've been made to feel like your life is predestined, but that doesn't mean you are powerless to
13:24change it.
13:28The question is, do you love her enough to do that?
14:00I spoke to John earlier.
14:04He called to ask what you were doing.
14:08Well, what'd you tell him?
14:09I said pick up the phone and call her yourself.
14:16He did offer to drop me off in the vineyard on his way to Rory's wedding.
14:19Mmm, that'll butter you up.
14:23Did you say yes?
14:25Well, I'm not going to turn down a ride on a summer Friday.
14:31You should have seen him when I came downstairs this morning.
14:34I was heading off to work like it was any normal day.
14:37Well, did you say, hey, can you cancel your meeting? We really have to talk.
14:41I shouldn't have to.
14:42It's not my job to edify him.
14:44Well, then you clearly weren't that desperate to communicate either.
14:48No.
14:50You think because of our shit with dad that him leaving is the ultimate betrayal?
14:55But this is also you projecting shit onto John that has nothing to do with him.
15:01If you really wanted to work on this relationship, you would swallow your pride, jettison this compulsion to be right,
15:09and do what's in the best interest of your relationship.
15:13All I've done is compromise for him, Lauren.
15:16It's only compromise if it's by your own volition, but you can't cling to the past and work towards the
15:22future at the same time.
15:31Thank you all for being here.
15:32I didn't hear you leave.
15:37I wonder how am I still here.
15:40Well, Carolyn and I could renew our vows in Times Square and the press would grant it a charged altercation.
15:44I don't want to move the flame.
15:48It might change my memory.
15:55Oh, I am what I am.
15:59I do not want.
16:25You look beautiful.
16:27What made you change your mind?
16:30I know how important it is to you.
16:35And I know I want to try.
16:58And I won't go, I won't sleep.
17:05And I can't breathe until you're resting here.
17:47You're early.
17:48Well, I knew if I was late and you stormed out,
17:51I wouldn't be able to catch you.
18:04It's your go-to date spot?
18:06What can I say?
18:07I'm a sucker for a laminated menu.
18:14Do you know what I remember about that first date?
18:18That my bike got stolen?
18:21That.
18:24And...
18:28You said you felt like you had a sign over your head
18:30that read the hunk flunks
18:32and that that was all people saw when they looked at you.
18:35And I remember asking you what your sign read
18:37and you wouldn't tell me.
18:39And you still haven't told me.
18:41I don't think I've told anyone.
18:48Because if you knew what my sign said,
18:52please handle with care and not as tough as she looks,
18:55then the jig would have been up.
18:58There'd be no mystery for you to solve,
18:59no defense system to disarm.
19:04And therefore, no reason to stay.
19:08But then I met you.
19:11And I fell in love with you
19:12and I didn't want to do that anymore.
19:16I wanted to let you in.
19:23You made me realize that I'm someone who...
19:27who wants to be loved
19:30and nurtured
19:33and taken care of and...
19:44How do we know we won't hurt each other?
19:47We don't.
19:49We just know that we want to try.
19:52And build a life for ourselves.
19:55As partners.
19:56And what does that look like though, John?
19:58Because I don't think our marriage
20:00can withstand any more scrutiny.
20:02I know.
20:04And part of that means
20:05I have to re-examine my relationship
20:08with everyone and everything that isn't you.
20:11Because you come first.
20:13But I don't want you to feel you have to choose.
20:16I know you've been burdened with unfathomable expectations
20:19and I would never fault you for trying to meet them.
20:22Carolyn.
20:23You're the one thing in my life
20:25that I know that I'm destined for.
20:29I love you.
20:34I love you too.
20:42You know, I was thinking,
20:44if you're up for it,
20:46you and I could go on a trip.
20:50Where?
20:51Anywhere you want.
20:53Paris.
20:54Belize.
20:55Tahiti.
20:58For how long?
21:00Until we decide to come home.
21:02Wherever that might be for us.
21:05I'll be back on Sunday from Rory's wedding.
21:08Why don't we pull out a world map
21:09and find the most remote island no one's ever heard of?
21:13I forgot about that, um, Rory's, Rory's wedding.
21:17Don't even worry about it.
21:19Caroline's not even going.
21:20No, I wanna go.
21:22You do?
21:27Yeah.
21:27Yeah.
21:31I miss dancing with you.
21:35I miss dancing with you.
21:37I miss dancing with you, bro.
21:37Ha ha.
21:39Hm.
21:40Mm-hmm.
22:09That might have been even better
22:11than the first time.
22:16I should go.
22:21Gotta find a dress.
22:29What if we're jumping the gun?
22:30What do you mean?
22:32It's just we're finally getting to a good place,
22:34and I don't know if subjecting ourselves
22:36to the prying eyes of a massive Kennedy wedding
22:39is the move for us right now.
22:41It's normal to feel anxious and apprehensive,
22:43but you two are going into this weekend
22:44with a completely different mindset than in the past.
22:48Go get your nails done.
22:49Go from there.
22:51Okay, okay.
22:52One step at a time.
22:53Love you.
22:54Thanks, Laura.
22:55See you soon.
23:03Hey, this is John Kennedy
23:05requesting a standard weather briefing
23:06for a VFR flight from Essex County
23:08to Martha's Vineyard departing around 6 p.m.
23:34What did she say exactly?
23:37She was nervous.
23:40I thought we moved past this.
23:43Neither of you are going to change overnight.
23:44Good night.
24:57I'm going to go sit with him for a bit.
24:59Okay.
25:06Permission to enter the cockpit?
25:15Excuse me?
25:17Oh, fuck.
25:38I missed you.
25:42I had a feeling.
26:40I had a feeling.
26:56Everything okay?
26:58Yeah.
26:59You should go back to your seat.
27:08I want to stay with you.
27:37It's okay.
27:38Just breathe.
27:38Just breathe.
27:40John, just breathe.
27:47Just breathe.
27:49I am.
27:51Just breathe.
28:22United States Coast Guard, Air Station Cape Cod.
28:25This is Petty Officer Rieta.
28:26How may I help you?
28:28Can I get the aircraft information?
28:34And the name of the pilot?
28:43I got attention.
28:49That's what I got.
28:50I got.
28:59Can I help you?
29:00We're sorry to disturb you.
29:02We're from the Custer County Sheriff's Office.
29:04Your family's been trying to reach you on your cell,
29:06but we know there's no service out here.
29:08What is it? What's wrong?
29:09It's your brother, ma'am.
29:11This plane has been reported missing.
29:24Hello?
29:25Hello?
29:30What?
29:33I'm sorry.
29:34Can you say that again?
29:38no that's correct that was my understanding well i can wait if you want to check i don't think the
29:43answer is going to change they say they can have a plane ready for us within an hour what do
29:48you
29:48want to tell the kids i don't know just we have to get home have you talked to the highness
29:52airport
29:52no i wasn't able to get through oh but teddy said they didn't land there either but we know
29:56they took off right yes we got confirmation from essex county airport i'm sure there's an
30:02explanation we begin tonight with breaking news john f kennedy jr's plane has been reported missing
30:09off the coast of massachusetts the piper saratoga allegedly disappeared from radar as it was on
30:16route from new jersey to martha's vineyard at this hour the coast guard is stressing that this remains
30:22a search and rescue mission officials are urging anyone with information to come forward
30:30what has happened to john f kennedy jr and his missing single-engine aircraft plane is believed
30:37to have carried not only john f kennedy jr but his wife carolyn beset kennedy and her sister lauren
30:43they've taken off from new jersey heading to martha's vineyard in massachusetts for a kennedy
30:48family wedding the plane never arrived
30:57senator kennedy i have the president on the line
31:07mr president
31:17i understand
31:20we uh we uh appreciate your efforts sir
31:28thank you for calling
31:44please don't say another word
31:47i beg of you please
31:51don't say anything
31:57they're reporting
31:58i don't care what they're reporting ed i'm not doing this again okay i will not
32:13why don't you come sit down i'm not leaving ed i'm staying right here okay as soon as i go
32:18out
32:22he was just here
32:29he cannot be gone ed
32:34he cannot be gone
32:38that doesn't make any fucking sense do you understand me that doesn't make any fucking sense it doesn't make any
32:43fucking sense he's not gone he's not he's not he's not
32:52he's not he's not he sucks rocked
32:56i'm not eating
32:56is that your sweet heart shot
32:59ah
33:02please don't do this to me i can't do it again
33:11love what how is it
33:18about me
33:18Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
33:45Teddy called again.
33:46Uh, we have to discuss the funeral arrangements.
33:50Where would he like to have it?
33:52St. Peter's Basilica.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Well, what do you want me to tell him?
33:59Then I'll let him know as soon as I make my decision.
34:05Uh, uh, the New York Times called as well.
34:13He spent his whole life bound to that little boy.
34:21Desperate to free himself from a tragedy he couldn't even remember.
34:30All he wanted was to simply be.
34:38All he'll be remembered for is what he could have become.
34:54If you're flying using visual navigation alone,
34:57relying on the lights of the coast, the horizon,
34:59instead of your flight instruments,
35:01and you're suddenly flying in the pitch black with haze everywhere,
35:04the ocean and sky essentially blend into this black hole,
35:08and you can experience what's called spatial disorientation,
35:11where you basically don't know which way is up.
35:12So you start course-correcting the plane
35:14based on what your impaired brain is telling you,
35:17instead of reality.
35:18Would they have known they were going down?
35:21They would have known something was wrong, obviously,
35:24but no, not necessarily.
35:26I spoke to someone over at NTSB,
35:28and he explained it's like being taken under by a wave.
35:31The water is...
35:43Let me start by offering my deepest condolences.
35:46Where is she?
35:48Sorry?
35:49Your wife.
35:50She was supposed to be here.
35:52Where is she?
35:53I think she just felt, in light of the circumstances,
35:55it would be better if I helped broker the arrangements
35:59for the remains.
36:01Is that right?
36:07I assure you, she was just trying to be mindful of your feelings.
36:11Oh, is that the pretext that her legal team concocted?
36:16My feelings?
36:17Because if it is, she should fire them.
36:20Why don't we...
36:25President Clinton has offered that John be buried in Arlington National Cemetery
36:32alongside President Kennedy and Jackie next to the eternal flame.
36:36Um, however, if we wanted to keep John and Carolyn together,
36:40we would propose, uh, Holy Hood,
36:43the Kennedy family burial plot in Brookline, Massachusetts.
36:47Why would my daughter be buried in a state she has no ties to?
36:51Are you suggesting those are my two choices,
36:55which you so kindly laid out for me?
36:58No, no, of course not.
37:01But if you prefer that Carolyn be buried with John,
37:05the family would insist that it be alongside
37:08the rest of the deceased Kennedy relatives.
37:10The family would insist.
37:13The gall of you to sit there and try and dictate terms.
37:17I'm simply relaying the wishes of the Kennedy family.
37:21If the Kennedy family feels so strongly about this,
37:24why did they send you?
37:31Whatever you decide to do with Carolyn's remains...
37:34You keep saying her name.
37:36You keep saying Carolyn.
37:39May I remind you that I had not one but two daughters
37:43on board that plane that he crashed.
37:47I've had not one to two if they're the one.
37:55Please wait.
37:56Bye.
38:03Bye.
38:04No, no, no.
39:02No, no, no.
39:08No, no, no.
39:21No, no, no.
39:22No, no, no.
40:09No, no, no.
40:34No, no, no.
40:47I mean, how do you live in a world that doesn't make any sense?
40:53How do you even get out of bed?
41:00As soon as you open your eyes, one second longer and you realize the world you're waking up to is
41:08painfully incomplete.
41:23When I was 18, I was living in London, staying with a family friend who was a member of parliament.
41:32One night we left his house and a bomb went off.
41:35The IRA had planted one under the front right tire of his car and the only reason we weren't in
41:40it was because we were running late.
41:46I agonized over that for so many years.
41:52I couldn't understand why so many bad things had happened to people in my family.
41:57But for whatever reason, I was spared that day a bomb went off.
42:02The only thing I really gleaned from that experience was that there is no rhyme or reason as to why
42:09some of us get to stay here a little longer.
42:17All we know is that time doesn't belong to us.
42:23Nothing is promised.
42:32I'm sure you already know this about me by now, but I'm not someone who lets people in very easily.
42:39I don't know if it's because I question their motives or maybe it's because I have this feeling that the
42:45less people I know,
42:49the less people I'll inevitably have to grieve.
42:58I didn't know Lauren very well, unfortunately.
43:03But I knew she was incredibly smart, funny, beautiful, dynamic.
43:14But I did know Carolyn.
43:17And I knew she was struggling.
43:22And instead of reaching out to her,
43:29I will regret what I didn't do.
43:33And what I could have done for the rest of my life.
43:41She said she didn't recognize who she had become.
43:51And now that person will be immortalized forever.
43:59I only wish she had lived long enough to be remembered for something else.
44:18I've heard people say sorry for your loss so many times over the course of my life.
44:26It just starts to sound like white noise.
44:29Like when people say, God bless you.
44:33But now I'm sitting here across from you.
44:40And all I want to say is how sorry I am.
44:46But I also know that it's not enough.
44:51And it will never be enough.
45:16I'm remembering a conversation I had with John a while back where he said he wanted to be cremated.
45:23With his ashes spread across the sea.
45:27I was wondering if maybe we could spread John, Carolyn, and Lauren's ashes together as one.
46:11He was wondering what he was doing in his email.
46:12He was wondering if he knows why he could.
46:13He was wondering if he could.
46:13He was wondering if he could have their own shadow.
46:14He was wondering if he could have been he.
46:14So he could be.
46:14He could have a friend.
46:15But I want to say no one week long.
46:15And he didn't let him go.
46:19I think he can.
46:32Oh, my God.
47:15Cars are downstairs.
47:16Okay, thank you.
47:27I won't ask you how you're holding up.
47:29I always found that question moronic.
47:35I knew he was gone.
47:40As soon as I heard that pounding on the door,
47:43I just felt this shift.
47:46It's just an overwhelming sense of dread.
47:54I felt that same way when I got the call about my parents playing.
47:58I was 27 years old.
48:00I had three children and a newborn.
48:04I just remember the phone ringing in our house in Hyannis.
48:08And for whatever reason, I wouldn't answer it.
48:11And then it rang again, again and again.
48:14I don't think I realized how young you were when that happened.
48:18I don't think I realized how young I was.
48:25I know I'm not a Kennedy by blood, but you and I are alike in a lot of ways.
48:31Because we take pride in our resolve and in our independence.
48:36That's why we're so averse to pity in all its forms.
48:40It's not enough we have to survive all this loss.
48:44We have to ensure that we're not defined by it.
48:48It's exhausting.
48:51It's hard to imagine a world in which I don't feel this way every day.
48:55Well, the grief is always going to be there.
48:59But it's your relationship with the grief that changes.
49:03At some point, you realize you can do something with it.
49:07Because you thought you had no choice?
49:08No, because when I didn't have one, I knew I could.
49:16I understand the urge to retreat even further.
49:20To get away from the prying eyes and the concerned whispers.
49:25But privacy doesn't always ensure peace.
49:28If it did, I'd have vanished a long time ago.
49:33We are Kennedy women, and we're still here.
49:36And that can't be for nothing.
49:51We're still here, right?
50:52death is nothing at all it does not count i have only slipped away into the next room nothing has
51:02happened everything remains exactly as it was i am i and you are you and the old life that we
51:13live
51:13so fondly together is untouched unchanged whatever we were to each other that we are still call me by
51:23the old familiar name speak of me in the easy way which you always used put no differences into your
51:33tone wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow life means all that it ever meant it is the same
51:49as it
51:50ever was do not stand by my grave and weep
52:03i am not there they do not sleep
52:16i am the thousand winds that blow i am the diamond glints in snow
52:48i am the sunlight of ripe and green
52:53i am the gentle autumn rain
52:59as you awake with morning's hush
53:04i am the swift upflinging rush
53:12of quiet birds encircling flight
53:17i am the day transcending night
53:20i am the day transcending night
53:47i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
53:49i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
53:49i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
53:50i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
53:58i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
54:00i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
54:01i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
54:02i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
54:03i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
54:05i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
54:07i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there i am not there
54:10i am not
54:23Amen.
54:54Amen.
55:19Amen.
55:45Amen.
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