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00:00Tonight, Canada's top comics will be more intolerant and more prejudiced than you've ever seen.
00:06Actually, wait, this is Montreal. You guys see that every day.
00:09It'll be like every regular interaction in Montreal.
00:12From the Just For Laughs Festival in beautiful Montreal, I'm Ennis Esmer and this is Roast Battle Canada!
00:38Welcome to the show that doesn't spit and doesn't swallow. We just bite it clean off.
00:45Tonight, you'll see more jokes in half an hour than swiping through Tinder in your shitty hometown.
00:51So buckle up, Canada. It's about to get more knee-slapping than a munchkin dominatrix.
00:56This is Roast Battle Canada!
01:06And now, let's meet our judges.
01:08First up is a comedian that they call the Michael Jordan of being covered in open source.
01:14Give it up for a guy with legions of fans and lesions all over his body.
01:19It's K. Trevor Wilson!
01:24And as we've known each other for over 25 years,
01:26it's truly thrilling to be able to work with you on this show every year.
01:30That being said, you are a human chia pet and I wouldn't piss on you to make you grow.
01:37Okay. And beside K. Trev, she's here, she's queer, she gets three laughs a year, it's Sabrina Jalise!
01:47Actually, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me, let me try that again.
01:49She's here, she's queer, she has the blank expression of a deer, it's Sabrina Jalise!
01:55You know what, no, no, I'm sorry. One more time, one more time.
01:58She's here, she's queer, it would take a few beers. It's Sabrina Jalise!
02:06Mange ma merde, Ennis. That means eat my shit.
02:10I got it.
02:11Ennis, my entire family got lice this year and that was less irritating than making small talk with you backstage.
02:22okay okay get this our final judge russell peters met his wife while she was at a store trying on
02:28shoes and he stopped to admire her feet in fairness she stopped to admire his wallet
02:35give it up for the only man that goes to footlocker to donate sperm it's russell peters
02:45hey ennis my favorite little deep fried looking human
02:52you're like a haggis with a blue jacket on all right now let's get to the battle everybody
02:58it's crystal farrier versus rebecca reeds i'm about to roast the fuck out of rebecca reeds
03:06i'm from small town ontario and nobody can outbitch small town ontario honestly she's so sweet
03:14she's not built for this i've been roasted my whole life by my indian mother my opponent sucks
03:20because she left all of her punch lines where she left her kids locked in her van give it up
03:26for
03:26crystal farriers
03:35and rebecca reeds
03:45crystal farrier versus rebecca reeds judges let's size up this battle ktreff
03:50i'm excited for this one it looks like a canadian remake of the help
03:57these are two very funny comedians i don't know how much they have in common besides fucking black
04:03dudes though
04:05all right sabrina your pre-game thoughts my pre-game thoughts this is a classic case of
04:11chicken tikka meets can't handle paprika
04:15all right russell what's your pre-game analysis well they both look like lesbians this should be fun
04:21um it's curry versus mcflurry i'm excited okay let's get this battle started crystal are you ready
04:29ready rebecca are you ready ready audience are we ready well then let's roast
04:39crystal has the name of a stripper and the build of a strip club
04:45but she doesn't she doesn't strip uh she just really likes to shower in water fountains
04:50uh she'd do it at the beach but she doesn't want to shower where she shits
04:58shut the fuck up
05:03rebecca you're so fucking white when your boyfriend comes on your face you just rub it in
05:14she doesn't even use makeup she uses white out
05:20and honestly if i had a face like that i'd fucking erase it too
05:29i'm not gonna say that rebecca is manly or that she's trailer trash okay
05:35but i once saw her crack open a beer on her adam's apple with just one hand
05:43the other hand was scratching her balls
05:48i actually do have balls they're huge they're huge uh crystal used to be a behavioral therapist
05:56which is crazy because she looks like the top seller of an mlm makeup brand
06:02she looks like all of her advice would involve lavender hand cream and cheating on your husband
06:08at the conference he doesn't deserve you bestie you deserve an exciting business opportunity
06:16how dare you make fun of how i look when you're wearing that fucking shirt
06:24you look like a gym teacher that's gay for jesus
06:30you look like a basement apartment realtor
06:33and your credit's shit so i wouldn't sell to you bitch
06:45rebecca i would tell you to lower your voice
06:49but god already did
06:56how do you have the voice of a trucker
07:00and the body of a truck
07:04but it's way cheaper to fill you up
07:07oh really
07:12crystal has two american bullies
07:16and if you don't know what those dogs look like
07:18they have short compact bulky bodies
07:22a blocky head
07:23now a lot of people say owners look like their dogs
07:27but i disagree
07:28unless those dogs have c-sections and a row of teeth that could open a soup can
07:33it's not a match
07:35you disrespectful bitch
07:38calm down
07:40axel rosacea
07:45rebecca has a strawberry plant tattoo
07:47the strawberry represents when a homeless man once came all over her
07:53yeah she was bright red covered in seed but she was just happy to be picked
08:02i got it
08:02i got it for my dead grandma
08:04you know
08:06nana was a whore just like you
08:12sorry nana rest in peace
08:16last joke
08:18crystal moved from india to brampton
08:22which is really like moving from brampton to india
08:29that's like going from r kelly's publicist to diddy's publicist
08:33it's a net zero
08:39rebecca dumped her french fiance and is now with her african boyfriend
08:44it was actually very romantic
08:47they met on a boat
08:48she looked deep into his eyes and he said
08:51i'm the captain now
08:56rebecca reeves and crystal farrier everybody let them hear it
09:00oh my goodness fantastic
09:01awful so mean
09:03so nice and so mean
09:06all right
09:07k-trev your thoughts on that battle
09:09i literally could just uh listen to crystal calling someone a bitch for fucking hours like that
09:15i just want crystal to walk around montreal with me just fucking telling people off
09:19that's awesome but great job
09:20uh fucking kudos
09:22all right
09:24sabrina you seem to be enjoying that
09:26yeah that was a pleasure to watch
09:28you were both very funny
09:29it was the battle of trinidad and tobago versus tommy bahamas
09:34all right russell your thoughts
09:36i i i really enjoyed that too
09:39this was like watching me talk back to a white girl in the 80s
09:42um
09:44and so it had all the rejection and all the acceptance all in one
09:47so i loved it
09:48all right
09:49okay well it's time to pick a winner
09:51you're both great but k-trev who you got
09:53i gotta go with crystal on this one just uh came out hard strung together a lot more good punchlines
09:59and uh yeah shut the fuck up bitch it's hilarious
10:03i want it on a t-shirt that's one for crystal all right sabrina who's your winner all right i'm
10:08gonna make them both winners because i'm gonna tell rebecca i feel like if you put your fingers in a
10:12pussy it's gonna feel like mecca and crystal you got my vote
10:17okay that's two for crystal
10:19russell russell i don't want to seem like i'm brown nosing but uh but crystal uh you were as hard
10:26as rebecca's cock was so um crystal farrier is the winner
10:31crystal farrier is your winner everybody let her hear it keep it going for both our roasters see they're great
10:38friends they're great friends
10:39all right that's it for part one but up next we have a battle so raw even k-trev would
10:45send it back at a restaurant
10:47more rose battle after this
11:03welcome back to rose battle canada the only show whose episodes legally qualify as snuff films
11:11and now let's make some noise for the woman who's always in the front row for this shit show it's
11:16dj killajewel
11:25come on now and now let's get to the battle everybody it's trana wintour versus sam serraza
11:36this is a queer on queer fight so it's gonna get ugly
11:40you can expect some clawing slapping crying shouting your face reminds me of a prolapsed
11:48asshole you look like a dollar store julia roberts if he spent less time sucking dick and focused more
11:55on comedy maybe he'd have a chance to win tonight you thought the hate comments on instagram were bad
12:01just wait
12:06give it up for trana wintour
12:33this is going to be so great these are two very funny comedians now before we start
12:40i just want to make sure i have my pronouns correct trana you identify as she her sam you
12:46identify as he him and ennis you identify as ew gross
12:52okay we're ready to go all right sabrina uh we've got a uh someone that goes by an alias versus
12:59someone
12:59that desperately needs an alias okay russell well this isn't going to be gay at all um this is good
13:07uh you know sam looks like he wanted to be a mechanic at some point and now you get to
13:12work
13:12on a trans am it should be fun guys all right let's get this battle started trana are you ready
13:17i'm ready you're ready sam are you ready so ready oh yeah audience are you ready
13:28well here we are it is such an honor to share the stage with trana and it goes without saying
13:34that trana has done a lot of work to be the woman that we all see before us tonight and
13:39that woman is
13:40janice the muppet no i'm kidding trana is a puppet to no one but she does enjoy a man's hand
13:51up her ass
13:54it's true
13:58you wouldn't know it by looking at sam but he's actually a very spiritual person he lives his whole
14:05life by a simple three-word mantra no loads refused um listen trana i was thinking this is probably the
14:16first time a lot of people have seen a trans woman on tv before and i just want to speak
14:20on your behalf
14:21and say trana does not represent the whole trans community she is not a monolith okay lots of trans
14:28women can afford a nose job like his hero fellow italian clown lady gaga sam also hides the fact that
14:41he comes from a rich family so that people will be more impressed by his success the only problem is
14:49that even sam's family can't afford to buy him a career
14:56you know as a lady gaga fan i have to say it is a shame you were born this way
15:04judas judas
15:09you know a lot of trans people they use fashion as a way to express themselves and find their gender
15:14identity and i'm so glad that trana has found her gender identity tonight unattended toddler from a
15:20trailer park
15:24you look like you're about to take a piss in the yard trana okay
15:28sam has been up the ass so many times his hole has a hole
15:36sam is so gay his dad gave freddie mercury aids
15:45so i heard that sam keeps his shoes on during sex which i thought was so weird until i learned
15:55that
15:55he has hideous bunions
15:58he might have the body of a gay porn star but he has the feet of an old italian grandmother
16:04who used to walk 10 miles to get to school every day
16:09last joke listen trana is part of a community of people that has been endlessly harassed
16:17a group of people that have been targeted and is unfortunately one of the most hated groups of
16:22people in the country if not the world french canadians
16:35and i know this is political but i think we need to get french canadians out of our bathrooms
16:42and our children's sports would you trust a french person with your child
16:50but i get it going to a public restroom must be hard for trana she could see her reflection in
16:55there
16:58believe it or not sam once had a girlfriend and he even used to her
17:05but i don't know if it counts if she couldn't feel it
17:11sam's penis is so small he's medically considered a woman
17:17and he's the person that jk rowling fears the most
17:25sam scarazza channel wictor let him hear it everybody
17:32fantastic excellent work all right ktrev how was that battle for you uh that was a lot of fun to
17:37watch uh it was great jokes back and forth you guys went hard you went deep you went so hard
17:42and
17:42deep i might need to start taking you govi by prep great sabrina i loved watching the battle of uh
17:50trans
17:50barbie versus gay ken i feel trana really fucking killed she fucked sam so hard i feel there's probably a
17:58hole inside the hole inside the hole inside his hole all right russell i thought it was hilarious
18:03both of you are funny cocksuckers
18:10all right an applause break an applause break all right judges it's time to pick your winners
18:15ktrev who you got i had this one scored very close it really came down uh to the line on
18:20this one in the
18:21last joke and uh i have to say uh sam won me over with his uh french canadian rant at
18:26the end there so i'm
18:27going with sam on this one that's one for sam sabrina you're winning interesting because i'm
18:34going with trana winter
18:38that's one for trana we got a tiebreaker it's all down to you russell who is the winner it was
18:42close
18:43until i found out about sam's fucked up feet um i'm leaning towards trana winter
18:50trana winter is your winner keep it going for both of our roasters
18:57i'm gonna get in there and hug their good friends they're friends we're gonna take a quick break to do
19:03a land acknowledgement for this territory we're currently on and a didn't land acknowledgement for
19:08all the jokes sabrina told final judgments after this go fuck yourself
19:28welcome back during the break k trev auditioned to be the new montreal canadian mascot but they told him
19:34he already looks too much like yuppie okay after all the utter depravity we've seen tonight it's
19:41time for the final judgment so let's go to the panel k trev well i've learned you're starting to
19:47run out of diabetes jokes about me and are making up shit about open fucking sores wherever that came
19:52from how would you like it if i just made up shit about you ennis how would you like it
19:57if i said stuff
19:58like oh ennis has been fucked in the ass so many times when he sneezes his rectum prolapses
20:05oh wait wait that's true uh let me let me make something up come back to me all right thanks
20:10k trev
20:11sabrina your final judgment shut the fuck up bitch that's my final judgment it's fun that's my final
20:19judgment you shut the fuck up it was so satisfying to see crystal farrier say that so much i'm just
20:27gonna walk around montreal saying it shut up all right russell your final judgments i uh i thought
20:34this was a great episode and we ended with a great uh dick measuring contest i thought it was great
20:39nice
20:40all right let's keep it going for our winners tonight
20:45chana winter crystal farrier and all our wonderful roasters
20:54well that's all the time we have i mean it's been a great show with some amazing feats
20:59calm down russell i said feats goodnight canada and remember if you're watching you are part of the problem
21:16we got
21:16we got
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