- 10 hours ago
The Office US S09E03 Andys Ancestry Cut 1 H 264
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:13You
00:14Morning Dwight
00:17Who are you?
00:19Who am I?
00:21I'm Jim. We've been working together for 12 years
00:25Weird joke Dwight
00:26You're not Jim Jim's not Asian
00:28You seriously never noticed?
00:30Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race
00:36Alright then Jim, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday
00:42Wellington Systems sold them 10 cases of 24 pound letter stock
00:46Or were you talking about Krieger Murphy because I didn't close that one yet
00:49But I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me
00:54Please enter your password
01:01You have one new message
01:03How did you? No, no, no, no
01:05That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders
01:09Dwight, cut it out. I'm trying to work
01:11You don't work here. You're not Jim
01:13Jim, I got us that dinner reservation
01:15Greek goes 730
01:16Oh great, can't wait
01:21Jim's at the dentist this morning
01:22And Steve is an actor friend of ours
01:25I don't know who you are
01:27But you are not Jim
01:29This is Jim
01:35Um
01:37Oh, do
01:37Uh, how did
01:39Uh
01:40Uh
01:41Uh
01:41Uh
01:41Uh
01:42Uh
01:43Uh
01:52Uh
01:56Uh
02:02Uh
02:03Uh
02:04Uh
02:04Uh
02:05Uh
02:06Okay
02:06Oh
02:07Getting things done, awesome
02:09It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient
02:12Life hacking, baby
02:13This morning I brushed my teeth in the shower
02:15Saved myself 90 seconds
02:16Which I just used to explain this to you
02:19Damn it
02:20Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager
02:23I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive
02:26In fact, you know what?
02:27Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here
02:31Whoa
02:32Whoa
02:32That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament
02:39Woo
02:41Toby
02:42Will he ever learn?
02:45Andy, Andy, Andy
02:49I can't believe Kevin swallowed a pen
02:53I can't believe Kevin swallowed another pen
02:58S'il vous plaît
03:01Dîtes-moi
03:04Oh
03:07Ah
03:08French
03:09It's a great language
03:11If you're a chain-smoking acrobat
03:13I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family
03:16They all speak more than one language
03:18Usually when I'm there
03:19You want to learn a really impressive second language? Try Dothraki
03:23Win over any man in my guild
03:24Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic, warmongering, horse lords of Essos
03:28As featured in the superb home box office series, Game of Thrones
03:32It has a lot of nudity
03:34Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads
03:38I could teach you if you want
03:39It's a lot easier than French
03:40Yeah, let's do it
03:41Aftabrosa!
03:42Oh
03:42It means excellent
03:44And we have begun
03:56Oscar
03:57Oscar
03:58Oscar
03:59Oscar
04:00Oscar
04:00Oh
04:02Thanks
04:03Totally my fault
04:10What are you doing?
04:13What?
04:21Is everything okay?
04:22Hmm?
04:23Oh
04:24Oh, yeah
04:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
04:26Fine
04:26Fine, fine, fine
04:27Fine
04:28Fine
04:28Fine
04:28I mean, I just don't want to burden you with my massive stress freak-outs
04:32Great
04:33It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days and I need to practice with an
04:39experienced driver in the car
04:40But I've had no time to do that thanks to demanding
04:45And he has a desperate need to be popular
04:47I made him look ridiculous once
04:49And he has been punishing me ever since with crap assignments
04:52For example, he has asked me for 75 ways to make a hat using a sheet of Dunder Mifflin paper
05:00So far, I have come up with this
05:04And this
05:06I defy you to think of another
05:09I just want to hit the open road and drive, man
05:14But...
05:15In whose car?
05:16Nelly!
05:18Get your wrinkly old balls in here
05:25Nelly, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime
05:29Oh, Pam, thank you, you are my savior
05:38I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch
05:39Don't worry about it
05:41I have a thing
05:44A thing of soup
05:46Which I've been wanting to try
05:51This is my research into how we might produce child proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts
05:57We can't
05:58And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
06:04Executive summary may hit the highlights
06:06Well, it turns out you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama
06:13As in?
06:14Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children
06:20This is super flattering
06:22She's the most popular person in America
06:26This is a big day for both of us
06:28My fellow Americans
06:31I come bearing news of my nardcesters
06:34I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof
06:38Turns out
06:39I am related to Michelle Obama
06:43I was intimidated by Andy's family before
06:45And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays
06:48She's gonna be like, what's your stance on politics?
06:51Or, what is the best war to do?
06:53And I will just be like, duh
06:57I finally get why my arms are so toned, you know?
07:01Right?
07:02Check it out
07:03Somebody comes slap my hang down
07:05What is that?
07:06Oh, it's the part of my guns that hangs below my arm
07:08Slap it, it won't move
07:09It's moving
07:10You know, in 2008 when America elected its first black president
07:15I was so moved
07:17And I was like, what is this about?
07:19And now I get it
07:21Hey, Andy, you know what?
07:23My parents are gonna be in D.C. next month for a wedding
07:24Can you call ahead and get the Lincoln bedroom?
07:26Okay, slow down there, Turbo
07:28I literally just found out
07:30I mean, I'll see what I can do
07:32It's likely
07:33But they should probably get a hotel reservation as a backup
07:36Okay
07:39Like, Andy needs yet another thing to show off about
07:43It's a Prius
07:44We get it
07:46It's good for the environing
07:50The Eisenhower inauguration
07:51There I am
07:52Right there
07:54That white dot
07:57Oh, I guess I wasn't there
08:02Alright, we gotta get rid of all this junk food
08:05Get fit, America
08:07Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet
08:09But, uh, I'm related to Michelle Obama
08:17Yeah, we noticed early on Andy really appreciates enthusiasm
08:20So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders
08:25Ohhhh!
08:33Starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome
08:38Yeah, me too, it's weird
08:39Hard to remember what's real at this point
08:41Just clap through it, man
08:44You log in sales at ten different times
08:47If you log them all at once, you save a lot of time
08:49It's called batching
08:50This is really good, Daryl
08:52Life hacking, man
08:53There he is!
08:54Andy, you gotta check this out
08:55He just showed me what
08:56Right now I need canned tuna, okay?
09:00Daryl, guess which talented individual
09:02Who also has a killer singing voice
09:04Is related to the First Lady
09:07Tracy Ellis Ross
09:09Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross
09:12It's me!
09:13I'm related to Michelle Obama
09:15What? Really?
09:17I mean, it's distant, but...
09:20That's cool, man
09:21Right?
09:23Daryl said cool, man
09:25He called me a cool man
09:30You know, I really do think it would be worth it
09:33To pull over and just take ten minutes to eat
09:36The thing is, Pam
09:37I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving
09:38So I might as well get good at it
09:40Brake lights, brake lights, brake lights, brake lights!
09:49Aren't you gonna eat?
09:51I'm good
09:53I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black
09:57person?
09:58You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
10:01Well, somebody owned somebody
10:03And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy
10:06Dear Michelle, how are you?
10:08I am fine, my name is Andrew Bernard, and I recently discovered that we are related
10:13I want you to know that the rest of the family is so proud of you for all that you
10:18have achieved
10:19As for me, I am currently branch manager of a very exciting and dynamic paper company
10:25Yes, you guessed it, the famous Dunder Mifflin
10:29If you'd like to meet, I can come to DC any Saturday except October 20th due to a previous commitment
10:34Hope, and I wrote that in all caps, to see you soon
10:39But again, not on the 20th
10:42Love, Andy Bernard
10:46I throat rip
10:49You throat rip
10:51He, she, it throat rips
10:53More of a barbaric growl
10:57Louder, you're shouting it from the back of a horse
10:59It is such a passionate language
11:03A lot more shouting and spitting than French
11:07But, if Andy and I ever rent a place on the Dothraki coast
11:10I won't stick out as a tourist
11:12Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
11:15Yeah
11:17It's almost unbelievable
11:20What?
11:21Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions lately
11:26Sure
11:27Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online
11:29I remember that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives
11:32And I just knew he would eat that up
11:36So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
11:38Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer
11:45Nellie's pretty fearless
11:47And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun
11:51Pam
11:56Well, if there's another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be
12:00Thank you
12:01What's going on here?
12:03I'm related to the First Lady, okay?
12:06Get over it
12:07I still need weekly status reports for most of you, so
12:10Can we get back to work, please?
12:12Get back to work?
12:17Andy! Andy! Andy! No!
12:19I would be very polite today
12:21Why, is it Employees Day or something?
12:23I cannot keep track of these BS holidays
12:25Your connection to Michelle Obama has certain negative connotations
12:30Most likely, your family were slave owners
12:35Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
12:43Whoa!
12:44That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament
12:51Hey, Mom, it's Andy
12:52Give me a call when you get a chance
12:53Got a quick question for you
12:54No big deal, just about America's national shame
12:56Thanks, bye
12:59Where were we?
13:01Yes, okay, your productivity thing
13:04Yes, yes, yes
13:06Great
13:07Ooh, spreadsheets, yum yum
13:09I included some time saving ideas
13:11Look, I'm not going to lie to you, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now
13:15Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did on slaves, it wouldn't be your fault
13:19This is only weird if you make it weird
13:23Right on, brother
13:25Word, Dad
13:30Oscar, is that a Paul Smith tie? The Senator loves them
13:34Oh, does he?
13:36Yeah, they're really expensive
13:39Really?
13:41Well, this was a gift
13:42Uh, from my...
13:44Wealthy aunt
13:46Doubtfire
13:53Uh...
13:53Ador
13:54Davas
13:57Kazim
13:58Davas
13:58Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk?
14:06Hey, Aaron
14:09Oh, okay
14:11Sorry
14:14Akatvindalak
14:15Nakis
14:15Literally, small, double-stab
14:18How do you say shut the hell up, I'm on a sales call
14:21Oh, pop quiz
14:23Dothraki word for shirt
14:25Oh, um...
14:26Trick question, there isn't one
14:28They don't wear shirts
14:29Oh, God
14:30Why are you always soaking wet?
14:32It's normal
14:33Hey
14:37Ah...
14:38Jadrokovak
14:40Does that mean gym?
14:42No, it means...
14:47What?
14:49Ew!
14:50You're gonna have to bleep that
14:51Ribbit, ribbit
14:53Oh!
14:54Ribbit, ribbit
14:58Jadrokovak
14:59Oh, still, it must be great to have something else going on outside of work
15:02Yeah, turn signal
15:04It's exciting to be painting again, those are the wipers
15:06So, it's just...
15:09There you go
15:09Yeah
15:11Yeah, things get so busy with the kids' red light
15:13That it's nice to have that creative outlet
15:15Red light, red light, red, red
15:17Oh, God
15:20That is brilliant, Pam
15:22I'd love to see some of your work
15:23Well, since we're stopped at a light
15:27Here is...
15:28The mural I did for Angela's baby
15:32That is amazing, Pam
15:35Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo
15:38Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed
15:43Hey, y'all
15:44I think you could turn in those status reports
15:47By four, preferably
15:49Or whenever
15:51I'll take whenever
15:53Hey, ooh
15:56That was my old peer
15:58Stanley, you keep up the hard work that we're
16:01Paying you a decent wage for
16:03Andy
16:05Remember what we said about making it weird?
16:07Yes, I do
16:07You're making it weird
16:08Yes, I am
16:11Where's my mom?
16:13Hey, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
16:17Voss
16:20So, no?
16:22Do you think maybe you could remind people
16:24I'm trying to downplay the whole bossy-boss thing today?
16:26Because of your slaves?
16:27Not my slaves
16:29My ancestors
16:31Maybe, probably not
16:33Well, if it makes you feel any better
16:35The Dothraki word for slave master
16:38Atzafrak
16:39Is a term of respect
16:42I'm learning how to speak Dothraki
16:44Color you impressed?
16:45That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones
16:49I have a lot going on today
16:52But this was a great nerd-out
16:57Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language
16:59People laughed at Klingon at first
17:01And now you can major in it
17:04Now Andy thinks I'm a loser
17:05I can only imagine what he's going to tell his acapella buddies at their next Skype-N-Sing
17:13Hi guys
17:14Hey boss
17:15I am so thirsty
17:16Can I have a scoop of water?
17:19Yeah, but you don't have to ask me
17:24Haha, okay, great, very funny
17:26I get it, just because my ancestors happened to be
17:37Very funny, Kevin, change my ringtone
17:39Very funny
17:40I liked the original song on my ringtone
17:43Which, you may remember, was Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes by Paul Simon
17:47Featuring
17:49Ladysmith
17:50African-American Mombazo
17:57I'm having the worst day ever
18:00Thanks a lot, slavery
18:04Why does this stuff always happen to me?
18:09So unfair
18:14Upside to the new job?
18:16I've gotten some new hobbies, like boxing
18:18I'll just go with the heavy bag for hours
18:21Sometimes they gotta pull me off
18:23Good
18:24Very good
18:27Oh, no!
18:29Here, it's a text from Andy
18:32New special proj
18:33Need fam tree for a buddy
18:34Really dig up dirt ASAP
18:37And then in parentheses, he wrote out as soon as possible
18:41God
18:42Looks like it's pretend-y time again
18:45Right back
18:47Looking for dirt
18:49Oh, can I help?
18:51We could say someone is related to, um, Tonya Harding
18:55Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding
18:59Oh, gee, I'm-
19:00No, I'm just practicing my lying
19:03I love it
19:04Brilliant
19:06What should we say about Jim?
19:08Um, oh, I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon
19:10It's an inside joke, he looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up
19:13My ex behaved like Nixon
19:15All of the lying, none of the sexual charisma
19:20I just made a joke then
19:22I'm sorry, it's just, um, I actually do have this weird feeling that there's something Jim isn't telling me
19:28Oh no
19:30Oh, an affair
19:31It is always an affair
19:33Jim? No
19:36How can you be sure?
19:38Because he just loves me too much
19:42You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?
19:52Hey everyone, I'd like to invite you all to a meeting in the conference room
19:56Nothing too serious, super casual
19:58In fact, I don't even want to call it a meeting
20:00Let's call it a hangout sesh
20:03Not that casual, Meredith
20:07Really?
20:12I thought I would begin by re-announcing the promotion I made a couple of weeks ago
20:18Still holding the esteemed position of assistant regional manager
20:21And, fascinating side note, the first ever African American to ever hold this post
20:29The amazing Daryl Philbin
20:35Is any new business going to be discussed at this meeting?
20:38Yes, actually there is
20:40I've done a little genealogy research of my own
20:43Turns out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the old family closet
20:48For example, Phyllis' great-great-grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States
20:56Ew
20:57Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt
21:02And John Wayne?
21:04No, not that I see here
21:06Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
21:08You mean Dwayne? And no
21:10But Toby's got some entertainers in the family
21:13All sideshows worth, it turns out
21:15Including a pinhead, a giantess, two bearded ladies, and a duck boy
21:22A lot of conditions like that could be treated with modern medicine
21:26What about Jim Halpert? Uh-oh!
21:28Turns out, distant relative of the reviled Richard Nixon
21:32Pam always says they look like Nixon
21:34That's crazy, right?
21:36I mean, there's nothing there
21:39True...
21:44Oh, no
21:46Creed's great-grandfather once held up a saloon
21:48No, that was me, Disney Frontierland, 1992
21:52Dwight's grandfather was a member of the Bund
21:55Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi Party
21:59So...
22:00I was gonna say it was a tax-evator
22:04Oh...
22:04I was joking about that whole Bund thing
22:06Oh, the look on your faces
22:09哈哈哈
22:12And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzy Borden
22:14Cool
22:16Stop it, stop it! You're frighten me
22:18Andy, could you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?
22:22Yeah, that, you're being really mean
22:24No, I'm proving a point, okay?
22:26We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past
22:30but it's in the past, and it's not our fault,
22:33so we don't have to talk about it.
22:34The difference is, Andy, that you're the only one here
22:37still benefiting from the terrible things your ancestors did.
22:41Might have done, and how do you figure?
22:44Your family's rich.
22:45I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune
22:47was earned on the backs of slaves.
22:50You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar.
22:52I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth.
22:55That wealth could one day benefit society
22:58if capital gains are ever taxed at the same rate as earned income.
23:01Andy, maybe we should...
23:02You know, no, you know what? I don't see money.
23:04If you were to ask me who's the richest person in this office,
23:07I'd be like, gee, I don't know, Erin?
23:08Even though she's obviously the poorest.
23:11What? You're poorer than me?
23:13Yeah. Right!
23:17Okay. Kevin did that.
23:19I do not wish I was in Dixie.
23:22Hey, Mom. How are ya?
23:24Did any Bernards ever own a plantation
23:27in the South?
23:29She said no. Take that.
23:31Follow-up question.
23:32Did any Bernards ever make money in an unsavory way?
23:41I just asked you, why didn't you just say that?
23:44Okay, stop. Stop.
23:46Stop talking. Stop talking. That's...
23:48No. I don't want to know that.
23:50Okay. You're interrupting a meeting. I have to go.
23:53Love you. Bye.
23:55Well, turns out the Bernards of yore did not own slaves.
23:59Really?
24:00We merely transported them.
24:02Which, at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.
24:11My ma ave had on a year.
24:13Woz ma a jej.
24:15Van a seras.
24:16Wo woz a jej la year van yery mai.
24:22Yo, D-Dawg. I need your help.
24:24I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood
24:27than I actually had.
24:28You're gonna po-mouth.
24:29Exactly. Help me po-mouth, Daryl.
24:31Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions.
24:35What if I said that my dad beat me and I just left out the croquet of it all?
24:40Or I could just go all the way and say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too
24:44crazy?
24:45That could work.
24:47Let's see. I saved 90 seconds brushing my teeth in the shower. Another 10 seconds putting my shoes and coat
24:54next to the door.
24:55I'm checking the email list, so that's gotta be at least another three minutes.
24:59But I lost four hours of Andy feeling weird about his ancestors. So, in summary, I have no actual control
25:05of my life.
25:06You know, Daryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy
25:12lifting.
25:13I'm coming up with all the ideas here. I'm going full work. Okay.
25:25Good. Good. And...
25:40You doing all right, man?
25:42I'm done.
25:44I gotta get out of here.
25:46Yeah.
25:48Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
25:51It's not just today. It's every day.
25:54Seemed like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.
25:57Oh, come on. It can always get better, right?
26:01Hmm. Yeah, right.
26:04No, I'm serious. There's always something better.
26:07Like what?
26:09Like, hypothetically, if I said that there was another job that you and I could both have.
26:17What kind of job?
26:19Something cool? Like sports marketing or...
26:24Does that sound like something you'd be into?
26:26Hell yeah.
26:26Right?
26:27That sounds awesome.
26:28Okay, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly? So you'd have to...
26:31I love Philly.
26:32Right?
26:33It's not even a thought.
26:34Not even a thought. It's not even that far away. I could still commute.
26:38Exactly.
26:39Exactly.
26:40All right.
26:43What? Wait, wait, wait. So what? Is this happening?
26:45Oh, it's happening.
26:47Let's just keep it between you and me for right now.
26:49Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure, for sure, for sure. Man, and Pam's into it.
26:54We gotta have her talk about it, but I think that she's... I think she understands what this is.
26:59Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real.
27:00What? No, no, no, no. Come on. This is real.
27:03It's not real until your wife is on board.
27:10Yes, Pam and I did decide together that I would not take the job, so thank you, Brian, for reminding
27:17me.
27:20So what did you want to show me?
27:22That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?
27:25Yeah. It's really ugly.
27:27Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking... a mural.
27:33You mean me?
27:34Yes, you. You are so talented. It's going to be my next special project.
27:40Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.
27:44Oh, my God. I love it.
27:47Nellie, this is brilliant.
27:50Hey.
27:50Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
27:54Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me.
27:57She never loved you.
27:58What? No, I got this.
28:00It's okay.
28:01This is his fault. It is not your fault.
28:03I'm going to find you someone better and rich and Filipino, but we'll break that to her later.
28:13You know what this is all about.
28:14Yeah.
28:16Yeah.
28:17You too, huh?
28:18Yeah.
28:20Go on.
28:22Spill it.
28:24Tell her all the gory details, you snake.
28:28Hey.
28:29He deserves this.
28:31And he said I could get in on it, too.
28:35Yeah.
28:38Oh, Pam, no.
28:40Oh, I can't back to watch this.
28:42I don't know what I was so worried about.
28:44I have the best wife in the world.
28:48I still can't believe he didn't tell me.
28:55I'm sure he'll understand.
28:57Daryl's your friend.
28:59Yeah, it's just...
29:01We're from such different backgrounds, and I don't know if you can ever get past that.
29:06Are you kidding me?
29:07Oh, you totally can.
29:10This is going to sound stupid, but there's a saying from the Dothraki Book of Proverbs,
29:16and it goes like this.
29:18Wolves and horses live different lives, but if you stew them long enough, they taste the
29:23same.
29:25So...
29:26Wolves and horses?
29:28Hmm.
29:29Hmm.
29:31I guess we do taste the same, right?
29:36Dothraki isn't the most useful language to speak.
29:38But you really study it for the literature.
29:48I was helping Nellie drive...
29:50Do not care.
29:57Wolves, check.
29:59Dothraki, check.
30:04I like that guy.
30:07We should hook him up with Meredith.
30:09Hmm.
30:09Hmm.
30:10Hmm.
30:10Hmm.
30:11Damn.ayan.
30:27Oh,
30:29boy.
Comments