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- #rowanatkinson
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#comedy #darkhumor #rowanatkinson #mrbean
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Short filmTranscript
00:00In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell and his roundheads.
00:15Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.
00:19One was the sole descendant of a great historical English dynasty, his name Sir Edmund Blackadder.
00:24The other was the sole descendant of an unfortunate meeting between a pig farmer and a bearded lady.
00:30History has quite rightly forgotten his name.
00:36Bordrick!
00:38Yes, sir?
00:39Oh, get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.
00:42How's the king, sir?
00:44How about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter in a black currant bush?
00:51Do you think the roundheads will find him?
00:53Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.
01:02Is that true?
01:04Yes, of course it's true.
01:05Have you ever known me to lie to the king?
01:07Yes.
01:09No.
01:10Exactly.
01:12He's absolutely safe, as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.
01:16You can trust me, sir.
01:18Right, Bordrick, I'm off to answer the call of nature.
01:23If by any freak chance Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next 90 seconds,
01:29remember, the king is not hiding here.
01:33Yes, sir.
01:36Green sleeves is...
01:38Good evening, citizen.
01:41I am Oliver Cromwell.
01:44My men have surrounded your house,
01:45and I am looking for royalist scum.
01:49Is the king hiding here?
01:52Um...
01:52No.
02:05On pain of death and damnation,
02:08are you absolutely sure?
02:10Yes, I am.
02:13I see.
02:15Well then,
02:16my proud beauty,
02:18you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?
02:24Men, come in from the cold, will you?
02:27Now,
02:28we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.
02:30All right, but don't touch the purple cup.
02:33Why not?
02:34That's the king's.
02:43Thank you, citizen.
02:44You may leave me alone with King Charles.
02:46Ah, Mr. Cromwell, how delightful to see you again.
02:50Do get up.
02:51Do get up.
02:52Tell me, um,
02:53have you come far?
02:54I have, sir.
02:56From country squire to Lord Protector of England.
02:59Fascinating.
03:00Absolutely fascinating.
03:02Um,
03:02tell me,
03:03uh,
03:03what exactly does a Lord Protector do?
03:06He spells your doom, sir.
03:09He spells my doom?
03:10Wonderful.
03:11Well, that's particularly exciting,
03:12because so many people these days can't spell at all.
03:15Um,
03:16particularly, as you know,
03:17in the inner cities,
03:17which is my area of interest.
03:19I'm pretty sweet, sir,
03:21but all your fine words
03:22won't save you from the scaffold.
03:24Truly good.
03:25Fascinating.
03:26Carry on.
03:27A priest, sir,
03:28to help you make your peace with God
03:30before you die.
03:31Oh, hello.
03:35You might as say,
03:37I can arrange for certain monies to be paid
03:39to allow you to escape.
03:40Blackadder!
03:41You dressed as a priest.
03:42How,
03:43how dangerous and stupid
03:44and,
03:45and perverted.
03:46It's just like school.
03:47Don't, sir,
03:48sire,
03:48this is a matter of life and death.
03:51Nonsense, Blackadder.
03:52I don't think there's a,
03:53a jury in England
03:54that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me.
03:56Your Majesty,
03:57the verdict of the jury.
03:59So,
04:00what does it say?
04:01Guilty or not guilty?
04:03I'll give you two guesses.
04:06Not guilty.
04:08One more guess.
04:14Oh,
04:15damn.
04:17One measly civil war
04:18in the entire history of England
04:20and I'm on the wrong bloody side.
04:24What's something wrong, sir?
04:26Yes,
04:26Baldrick,
04:27yes,
04:27there is.
04:28Don't you realise
04:28if the king dies,
04:29we royalists are doomed.
04:31We will enter a hideous age
04:32of Puritanism
04:33that will close all the theatres,
04:36lace handkerchiefs for men
04:37will be illegal
04:38and I will be able to find
04:40a friendly face
04:41to sit on
04:42this side of Boulogne.
04:45If they so much as suspect
04:47our loyalties,
04:48our property will be forfeit
04:49and we'll be for the chop.
04:51Oh,
04:51I love chops.
04:54Baldrick,
04:55your brain
04:56is like the
04:58four-headed,
04:59man-eating,
05:00haddock fish beast
05:01of Aberdeen.
05:02In what way?
05:04It doesn't exist.
05:08Oh, God,
05:09what are we going to do?
05:10Don't despair, sir,
05:11something will pop up.
05:12Not under Puritanism,
05:14it won't.
05:15We must do something.
05:18We must do something,
05:20otherwise the Black Adders
05:21are as doomed
05:21as that ant.
05:23What ant?
05:23That one.
05:27So this is the day
05:30of the execution
05:31of Charles the First?
05:33Absolutely not,
05:34Your Majesty.
05:35Those round-head traitors
05:37have one final hurdle
05:38that they will never straddle.
05:40How fascinating.
05:41What is that exactly?
05:43They will never find a man
05:44to behead you.
05:45They'd have hundreds of volunteers
05:46to cut Cromwell's head off.
05:48He's such an ugly devil.
05:49He's got so many warts
05:50on his face,
05:51it's only when he sneezes
05:52that you find out
05:53which one is his nose.
05:54But they will never find
05:57a man to execute you.
05:58Well, you see,
05:59I find that absolutely tragic.
06:01You know,
06:02there are so many young people
06:03who would leap at a chance like that.
06:06You know,
06:07all they need
06:08is the initiative somehow.
06:10I suppose, in a sense,
06:11that's what my award scheme
06:12is all about.
06:14Really?
06:14Yes.
06:15On the other hand,
06:15of course,
06:16I don't want my head cut off.
06:18It's a question of balance,
06:19isn't it,
06:19like so many things.
06:20Shut up with the greatest respect,
06:22Your Majesty.
06:22They will never find
06:24an executioner.
06:25And if they do,
06:26may my conjugal dipstick
06:28turn into a tennis racket.
06:31A message
06:32for the king.
06:37Ah.
06:45There's a dragon
06:46in the tail.
06:47In the middle.
06:48For God's sake,
06:48stop that, Baldrick.
06:49It's bad enough
06:52having one's life
06:52in us are ruined
06:53without being serenaded
06:54by a moron
06:55with all the entertainment value
06:57of a tap-dancing oyster.
07:00I'm sorry, sir.
07:01I can't help it.
07:02See,
07:02I've just had a little windfall.
07:05Baldrick,
07:05I've told you before,
07:06if you're going to do that,
07:06go into the garden.
07:09I mean,
07:10I've come into some money.
07:12Really?
07:12Family inheritance?
07:14No,
07:14I ate that ages ago.
07:17Yes, of course.
07:18Your thoughtful father
07:19bequeathed you a turnip.
07:22No,
07:22it was 50 pounds,
07:23actually.
07:23It was delicious.
07:24But this is just
07:25a little something
07:26that fell in my lap.
07:28Not the first time
07:28that there's been
07:29a little something
07:30in your lap,
07:30Boric.
07:31No,
07:32but this one
07:33is a job.
07:34Really?
07:35I just don't understand it.
07:37Where on earth
07:37did they find a man
07:38so utterly without
07:39heart and soul,
07:41so low and degraded,
07:43as to accept the job
07:44of beheading
07:45the king of England?
07:52Boric.
07:55That little job
07:56that fell into your lap.
07:59It wasn't by any chance
08:00something to do
08:01with an axe,
08:02a basket,
08:02a little black mask
08:03and the king of England.
08:05No.
08:06Go on.
08:07I couldn't find a basket.
08:09You very small,
08:11total bastard.
08:12Oh,
08:12please,
08:13sir,
08:13don't kill me.
08:14I have a cunning plan
08:15to save the king.
08:16Well,
08:17forgive me
08:17if I don't do
08:17a cartwheel of joy.
08:19Your family's record
08:20in the Department
08:20of Cunning Planning
08:21is about as impressive
08:23as Stumpy Oleg
08:24McNoleg's
08:25personal best
08:26in the Market
08:27Harbour Marathon.
08:30All right,
08:31what's the plan?
08:35A pumpkin
08:37is going to save
08:38the king.
08:39Ah.
08:40But over here,
08:42I have one
08:43that I prepared earlier.
08:47I will balance it
08:49on the king's head
08:50like this,
08:51then I will cover
08:52his real head
08:53with a cloak
08:54and then
08:55when I execute him,
08:57instead of cutting
08:57off his real head,
08:59I will cut off
08:59the pumpkin
09:00and the king
09:01survives.
09:04I'm not sure
09:05it's going to work,
09:06Maldon.
09:07Why not?
09:08Because once you've
09:09cut it off,
09:09you have to hold it up
09:10in front of the crowd
09:11and say,
09:12this is the head
09:13of a traitor.
09:14At which point,
09:14they will shout back,
09:15no, it's not.
09:16It's a large pumpkin
09:17with a pathetic
09:18moustache.
09:20I suppose it's not
09:21100% convincing.
09:23It's not 1% convincing.
09:26However,
09:26I'm a busy man
09:27and I can't be bothered
09:28to punch you
09:28at the moment.
09:30Here is my fist,
09:31kindly run towards it
09:32as fast as you can.
09:37I just,
09:38I just don't understand it.
09:40What possessed you
09:40to take the job?
09:41Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
09:43It was just a wild,
09:44silly, foolish plan.
09:46I thought with the money
09:47I got from executing
09:48the king,
09:49I could sneak out
09:50and buy a brand new king
09:52where no one was looking
09:53and popping back
09:54on the throne
09:54without anyone noticing.
09:56Your head is as empty
09:58as a eunuch's underpants.
10:01You'd do anything
10:02for 30 pieces of silver,
10:04wouldn't you?
10:04It was £1,000,
10:06actually, sir,
10:07plus tip.
10:10Well, I suppose
10:11somebody's got to do it,
10:12haven't they?
10:13And if it's going to be done,
10:14it's got to be done
10:14in a single stroke
10:15by someone
10:16who actually owns an axe.
10:17We don't want you
10:18hacking away at it
10:19all afternoon
10:19with that cheap penknife
10:20of yours.
10:22It'd be so embarrassing
10:23to have King Charles
10:24staggering around
10:24Hampton Court
10:25tomorrow morning
10:26with his neck
10:26flapping like a fish's
10:28heel.
10:29Sir, you don't mean...
10:30Yep.
10:31I'm doing it.
10:32Lend me your costume.
10:33Then go immediately
10:34to the king
10:34and inform him
10:36that Sir Edmund Blackadder
10:37cannot be with him
10:38tomorrow.
10:39And make sure
10:40you think up
10:41a bloody good excuse.
10:44So, that's why
10:45he can't be here.
10:46Sorry.
10:47I see you.
10:48I quite understand.
10:49Yes.
10:52Sir,
10:53the moment has arrived.
10:54Are you ready
10:55to meet your maker?
10:56Well,
10:57I'm always
10:57absolutely fascinated
10:58to meet people
10:59from all walks of life,
11:00but, uh,
11:01yes,
11:02particularly
11:02manufacturing industry.
11:04Well then,
11:05have a quick walk
11:06and talk
11:06with your executioner
11:07and let's get on
11:08with it.
11:09Right.
11:14Well,
11:14I'm sorry,
11:15my friend.
11:15I'm alone here today.
11:17I had hoped
11:18that my good,
11:19loyal chum,
11:20Sir Edmund Blackadder,
11:21would be here with me,
11:23but, unfortunately,
11:24his wife's sister's puppy
11:26fell into the strawberry patch.
11:29So,
11:30naturally,
11:30he can't be with us.
11:32Uh-huh.
11:33All I can do
11:34is bid you
11:35do your duty well.
11:37Well,
11:37thank you,
11:38Your Majesty.
11:39And may I say
11:40how much I mourn
11:42for your lot
11:42and bid you remember
11:44others before you
11:45who have died unjustly.
11:47Well,
11:47thank you.
11:47I take great solace
11:48from that.
11:48Sir Thomas More,
11:49for instance,
11:50a great generous man
11:51to the last.
11:52He apparently
11:52tipped his executioner
11:54handsomely.
11:55Oh,
11:56I'm so sorry.
11:56I thought service
11:58was included.
11:59I beg your pardon.
12:00Here you are.
12:02Hmm.
12:03And then there was
12:04the Earl of Essex.
12:06Was there?
12:07A truly great man.
12:08They still sing
12:09his famous ballad
12:10down the Chepstow Arms.
12:12What ballad is that?
12:14The Earl,
12:14he had a thousand sovereigns.
12:16Hey,
12:17nonny no.
12:18Gave them all away
12:19to the man
12:20with the axe.
12:22Oh.
12:23A thousand sovereigns?
12:25Well,
12:26you can't take it
12:26with you,
12:27Your Majesty.
12:28Very true.
12:29There you are.
12:29Do keep the change.
12:31Thank you,
12:31Your Majesty.
12:32Right,
12:33should we go?
12:33Just a moment.
12:35That voice
12:36has a strangely
12:36familiar ring.
12:38And so does
12:39that finger.
12:41Blackadder.
12:44Hello,
12:44Your Majesty.
12:45You cunning swine.
12:49Yes,
12:49well,
12:49uh,
12:50uh,
12:50Marvellous.
12:51Splendid.
12:52You,
12:52you,
12:52you've duped
12:53Carmwell
12:54and you've concocted
12:55a cunning plan
12:56to help me
12:57and my infant son
12:58escape to France.
12:59Ah,
13:00yes,
13:00that's right.
13:01Yes.
13:02So,
13:02let's put your cunning plan
13:04into operation
13:04straight away.
13:06Yes,
13:07let's.
13:08Uh,
13:09well,
13:11you start the ball rolling.
13:12You do,
13:13after you.
13:14Right,
13:15yes.
13:16Yes.
13:17Uh,
13:17oh,
13:18yes.
13:18Yes,
13:19right,
13:19and it's,
13:19and it's a very good plan.
13:21It's a staggering,
13:22bowel-shatteringly good plan.
13:26Is the king ready?
13:27Yes.
13:28Come,
13:29your majesty.
13:31Oh,
13:32this is the head
13:49of a traitor.
13:50No,
13:50it's not.
13:52It's a huge pumpkin
13:53with a pathetic mustache
13:56drawn on it.
13:58Oh,
13:58yes,
13:59so it is.
13:59Sorry,
14:00I'll try again.
14:09Well,
14:10sir,
14:11they can't say
14:11you didn't try.
14:13Now,
14:13the future of the British monarchy
14:15lies fast asleep
14:16in your arms
14:17in the person
14:18of this infant prince.
14:19And with the money
14:20you've earned,
14:21you and he
14:21can escape to France.
14:23Oh,
14:24quite.
14:24On the other hand,
14:26you can stay here
14:27and as a known loyalist,
14:29the roundheads
14:30will come and cut your head off.
14:31Exactly,
14:32Balric.
14:33Oh,
14:34my God.
14:35Oh,
14:36no,
14:36we're surrounded.
14:37What will we do?
14:39Well,
14:39at times like this,
14:39Balric,
14:40there is no choice
14:41for a man of honour.
14:42He must stand and fight
14:43and die
14:44in defence of his
14:45future sovereign.
14:46Unfortunately,
14:49I'm not a man of honour.
14:55Thank God you've come.
14:57Seize the royalist scum.
14:58Thank God you've come.
14:58Thank God you've come.
14:58Thank God you've come.
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