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00:22Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:25I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:25In the news this week, RFK Jr. has more to say about what you're eating.
00:37Texas man loses big on Jeopardy.
00:40By the way, what kind of freak even knows Stalin's birthday?
00:45I don't know it and I don't care to know it.
00:47Trump continues evading Epstein questions.
00:58On Amber's team tonight, he's a comedian, podcaster, and author who you can catch on this season
01:03of The Pit.
01:04I'm going to get him to check out this rash I got on my neck during the commercial break.
01:07It's Moshe Kasher.
01:13And joining Michael, she's a comedian, writer, and actress who hosts the podcast Parenting
01:18is a Joke.
01:19She's also Canadian.
01:21So that means she can get me a deal on some backbaking.
01:25It's Ophira Eisenberg.
01:27I got you.
01:28I got you.
01:29Now for the biggest stories of the week, let's play the feud.
01:33Everybody watch the clip.
01:34Tell me, what is the story?
01:37That's the Italian flag.
01:39That's wet, man.
01:40Oh, straight up Hormuz.
01:42Oh, that's expensive.
01:43That's expensive.
01:44Yeah.
01:45What's the story?
01:45We're living in hell?
01:47Yeah.
01:48The story is the war in Iran.
01:50The administration is selling it, but is anybody buying it is the bigger question.
01:54Now, I think we can all agree that the best option is to not have a war, but as the
01:59great
01:59Slim Charles said on the wire, once you in it, you in it.
02:03Mm-hmm.
02:04So, question to the American government, how's that timeline thing going?
02:09President Trump also telling Time Magazine this week that, quote, I have no time limits
02:14on anything.
02:15President Trump told CBS News, quote, I think the war is very complete, pretty much.
02:19We won.
02:20We won the best.
02:20In the first hour, it was over.
02:22When it's over.
02:23And I don't think it's going to be long.
02:24When are you going to know when it's over?
02:26When I feel it.
02:28Okay.
02:28I feel it in my bones.
02:29It seems as though we've moved away from weeks and just onto vibes.
02:32It is.
02:33War is vibes.
02:34Everybody knows that famous quote.
02:36Is that also from the wire?
02:37No, that's not from the wire.
02:39So, now, the administration says that there's only one person that's in charge of calling
02:43the shots on this war.
02:44Who is that person?
02:45Netanyahu.
02:47The ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.
02:52If he's dead.
02:53If he's dead.
02:54The person that's making the decisions is actually the exact person you wish it wasn't.
02:59The president has set a very specific mission to accomplish.
03:02And so, it's not for me to posit whether it's the beginning, the middle, or the end.
03:06I love wet man.
03:07That man just is so drenched at all times.
03:12Is he doing drugs and it's just making him a juicy boy?
03:15Every day.
03:18What a wet man.
03:20I'll tell you what, when I watch him speak, I turn into a juicy boy as well.
03:25Are you saying that our secretary of war does like 40 burpees before every press conference
03:30and it just comes out, just, I'm ready.
03:32And then he shadow boxes and does a lot of like, you are a defense secretary.
03:38You are.
03:41How are Republicans as a whole feeling about the war, gang?
03:45Nobody wants this war.
03:47Well, except...
03:48Netanyahu.
03:49Yeah, that's right.
03:50Nobody's into it.
03:51Nobody.
03:51The Republicans are gone.
03:52The Democrats were never there.
03:53Who is this for?
03:55According to White House Press Secretary Caroline Levitt, quote,
03:58Republicans are unanimously supportive of President Trump's bold decision to launch combat operations.
04:05Ah, yes.
04:06The only thing Republicans are unanimous about is that they hate taxes and they hate good haircuts.
04:14Is it true that the Republicans are unanimous in supporting this war?
04:18Is what Caroline Levitt is saying?
04:19Is that the right thing?
04:20Well, she's always told the truth.
04:22That's right.
04:22Yeah, she's...
04:23I haven't seen a lot of Republicans coming out like full-throated.
04:26I should rephrase that.
04:27I haven't seen a lot of Republicans...
04:29One Republican that has been coming out in full support...
04:34Oh, yes.
04:36...is South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.
04:39What do you mean you ain't got no more mint and juleps?
04:42Lindsey Graham has been salivating for war with Iran for years, and now that it's happening,
04:47oh, boy, he's happy, and he's got no time for people who disagree with him.
04:51So we have a Commander-in-Chief in President Trump who I think is Ronald Reagan plus, plus, plus.
04:56If President Trump had not done this, they could have had a nuclear capability within months,
05:02or weeks, not months, to all those who don't believe that, you're stupid.
05:06You're a fool.
05:07He's just like the President who had Alzheimer's plus, plus, plus, plus.
05:14What is President Trump now calling the military action in Iran?
05:19It's a rondelet.
05:21Is it a jaunt with missiles?
05:25That's a pretty solid guess.
05:26I think I do know.
05:28Is it an excursion?
05:30Wait.
05:30Oh!
05:32It's just a little excursion, baby.
05:35Just a few missiles, baby.
05:36Why are you tripping?
05:37And the President makes it perfectly clear that he has his priorities in order.
05:41We did a little excursion.
05:43We had to take this little couple of weeks, few weeks of excursion, but it's been incredible.
05:49Our military is unbelievable, the job they're doing.
05:52So we had to take an excursion, but it's doing well, the market's holding up well.
05:57You just said it is a little excursion, and you said it is a war.
06:01So which one is it?
06:03Well, it's both.
06:04Did you see how many times he circled back to say excursion?
06:08He's really trying to get it to take.
06:10Loves that word.
06:11Well, when you're going through late stage dementia, certain things get stuck in your brain on a loop.
06:16I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone here.
06:19Our audience all has late stage dementia.
06:24Merriam-Webster definition of excursion, a usually brief pleasure trip.
06:31Oh, my God.
06:32Oh, my God.
06:34Where's the pleasure part of this excursion?
06:36You didn't see Lindsey Graham in that talking head.
06:39He seemed like he's having extreme pleasure right now.
06:42But it's also like, whatever, improv, right?
06:45Yes, and?
06:45And he just yes-ands them in this grand circle.
06:48It's like, well, thank you.
06:49It is both.
06:51You are brilliant.
06:52Oh, yeah, excursion and a war.
06:54That's it.
06:55How is the war actually going?
06:57No matter how much we bomb them, Iran has control of a very, very important piece of geography within the
07:05region.
07:05What are they in control of over?
07:07The Hard Rock Cafe Tehran.
07:11What piece of geography is Iran in control of?
07:16The Strait of Hormuz.
07:17The dire Straits of Hormuz.
07:19It is the Strait of Hormuz.
07:21Seen there, trying to just put the tip in.
07:25Roy, Roy, we have to look at it.
07:28Put the picture back up.
07:29It looked like it's throwing it back.
07:31Yeah, you want me to say that?
07:32The Strait is one of the most important energy choke points.
07:36One-fifth of all crude oil flows through there.
07:39That's why Lindsey Graham likes it.
07:40It's a choke point.
07:41Now I get it.
07:44Here's the spokesman for Iran's military command.
07:47We will never allow even a single liter of oil to pass through the Strait of Hormuz for the benefit
07:52of the United States, the Zionists, or their partners.
07:56I did not think he sounded like that.
07:57That's crazy.
07:59How is it after all this time, there's still just one path, the most important path of resources in the
08:07world, and no one's like, you know, you can just go that way.
08:09Like, there's just one path.
08:11There is another road, the gay of Hormuz, but it's much, much more, you like that.
08:18It's much more complicated.
08:20What else did Iran reportedly do to the Strait of Hormuz that made headlines?
08:25Oh, they're mining the shit out of it right now.
08:26On Tuesday, it was reported that Iran was laying mines in the Strait.
08:31Trump was quick to address this news, posting on Truth Social, quote,
08:36If Iran has put out any mines in the Strait of Hormuz, we want them removed immediately.
08:42If for any reason mines were placed and they were not removed forthwith, the military consequences to Iran will be
08:49at a level never seen before.
08:52Oh, shit, new Trump truth just dropped.
08:56General, General.
08:58Ebrahim, pick up the mines.
09:00We got to do a forthwith.
09:05Between Iranian mines and American strikes, the Strait has become extremely dangerous and is now described as Death Valley.
09:13Knowing all of this, the president says the Strait of Hormuz is open for business.
09:18He spoke to reporters at the White House on Wednesday, but before we get to what he said,
09:22Please check out this photo from the impromptu press briefing.
09:26Whoa.
09:27Yeah, there's a honey-baked president right there, boy.
09:32The makeup is shrieking from his eye.
09:34You see that?
09:35He sweats so much, all of a sudden he's like,
09:37It's me, Jeffrey Epstein!
09:40Here's Trump's advice for ships in the Strait of Hormuz.
09:44Are you talking to CEOs of various oil companies, encouraging them to use the Strait of Hormuz right now?
09:51They should. I think they should. I think they should use the Strait of Hormuz.
09:54What? What? What? What happened?
09:55Yeah, what could happen? Go ahead.
09:56Why not?
09:58It's going like this.
09:59Iran repeatedly attacking the flow of Middle East oil.
10:02At least six ships targeted in the last 24 hours.
10:05Overnight, two oil tankers hit off southern Iraq.
10:08Videos circulating online showing one of them ablaze.
10:11President Trump still sounding optimistic,
10:13claiming the vital Strait of Hormuz is in, quote, great shape.
10:17Yes, that shape is a mushroom cloud.
10:23Now, obviously, the violence and uncertainty is impacting gas prices,
10:28which have risen 65 cents a gallon nationwide.
10:31Panel, how high do you think gas prices are going to go before it's all over?
10:36Seven dollars.
10:37I live in California. It is seven dollars now.
10:40Oh, no, that's right.
10:41Yeah, that's why I drive a zero-guilt vehicle, a Tesla.
10:45But, um...
10:48No, I'm kidding. I drive an oil tanker.
10:52They groan like a paternity test episode.
10:55Like you...
10:56The bad dad that came out.
10:59Right now, oil costs about $100 a barrel.
11:02But Iran says we need to get ready for oil to cost $200 a barrel.
11:09So, here's Energy Secretary Chris Wright with a response.
11:12Do you agree that people need to be prepared for that?
11:17We're going through short-term energy disruption for just huge long-term gain.
11:22You're seeing Iran's behavior.
11:24Could that hit...
11:25Could short-term mean $200 a barrel?
11:30Um...
11:31I would say unlikely.
11:34Um...
11:36That means yes.
11:37It's going up to $200 a barrel.
11:38I love it when people pretend there's a delay.
11:41You know?
11:42I mean, there was a delay.
11:44It was in his brain.
11:46Anytime anybody in this administration starts stuttering,
11:49you know you're on to some sort of essential truth.
11:51Yeah, well, it's going to be $200 a barrel.
11:53It is, and that's when we're going to stop the war.
11:56When it gets too expensive for them to continue to perpetuate this lie
11:59that this is somehow for our safety.
12:02Nobody's buying that.
12:03How do you stop it?
12:05Like, once you've started, how do you stop it?
12:08Kate, I'm going to say something controversial here.
12:10This is, uh, the best part about Donald Trump being the president.
12:16He can just be like,
12:17Daddy's done, baby!
12:18Like, he can just pull out anytime he wants.
12:21Oh, yeah.
12:22But I do think that his essential instability is the off-ramp.
12:27His madness is the off-ramp that he needs.
12:30Another leader would double and triple down.
12:33I think he's going to just go,
12:34We're done.
12:35Mission accomplished.
12:36Everything's happened.
12:37But, I mean, do you think Iran stops when Trump stops?
12:40Do you think Israel stops when Trump stops?
12:42Do you think Bahrain stops?
12:44And do you think Lebanon stops?
12:45And do you think the Houthis in Yemen stop and Russians stop and all the rest of it?
12:49Oh, you brought in the Houthis?
12:50I had to.
12:50I love saying Houthi.
12:54Listen, I haven't, um, game-theoried out this entire thing that I just said.
12:58Neither has Trump.
13:00Fair enough.
13:01But I do, I think everybody wants a way out.
13:03And in war, right, you're looking for an off-ramp.
13:05And I think there is no off-ramp because there was never an on-ramp.
13:08This is all the most incoherent, all war is incoherent.
13:11And this is the most incoherent one that I've ever seen.
13:13And as we know, day one, they killed Khomeini, right?
13:17And as we know as comedians, you don't start with your closer or you're going to bomb.
13:23With oil prices, uh, $100 and climbing, uh, what's the administration going to do to alleviate this pain at the
13:31pump?
13:32They're going to release sanctions on Russia, and they're going to, they're going to empty the, uh, strategic petroleum reserves,
13:37which are already half empty.
13:39Yeah, they're half empty.
13:39It's the same person that was supposed to do that, that never fills the burrito in the fridge.
13:45I feel like you're bringing a battle from your home on this show.
13:48I have a problem with that.
13:50But they were supposed to be filled.
13:51Look, are they half empty or are they half full?
13:54I love it.
13:54That's a good point.
13:55Uh, the administration has made it easier for Russia to sell their oil, Michael, issuing a 30-day waiver that
14:03lets countries buy the Russian oil that is already at sea.
14:07Why is it particularly weird that we're helping Russia make a profit off of this war?
14:13Aren't they sharing strategic military intel with Iran?
14:18Points.
14:20Yes.
14:21The Washington Post reported that Russia is providing intelligence to Iran to help them target U.S. forces, uh, in
14:29the region.
14:30Our administration is a lot of things, but are they mad at Putin?
14:33Not really.
14:35Do we think that the Russians have shared, uh, intelligence about the location of U.S. military assets?
14:41And if they have, why would we be giving, uh, waivers on Russian oil sanctions?
14:48Well, I'm not an intel officer, um, so I can't tell you.
14:52I can tell you that yesterday on the call with the president, uh, the Russians said that they have not
14:58been sharing.
14:58That's, that's what they said.
14:59So, you know, uh, we can, we can take them at their word.
15:04Putin said it.
15:04I believe it.
15:05That settles it.
15:07This, this whole thing is a mess.
15:09Yeah.
15:09But at least we're over there in the region for a good reason.
15:13Question to the panel.
15:14What's the reason?
15:15You remember when he went to Congress and said, this is why we have to have this war with Iran?
15:19Yeah, and he asked for permission.
15:20And he received that permission, right?
15:23Oh, yeah.
15:24They voted and they gave it.
15:25He wouldn't have launched this war if he didn't have congressional approval, obviously.
15:28Yeah, there was like a vote.
15:29Yeah, there.
15:29Yeah, okay.
15:30And then the entire world community came together and said, we also support this.
15:34We'll go, okay.
15:35Okay, so this war started because of a dare?
15:40Caroline Levitt said it a lot better.
15:42The president said yesterday for the first time that he had to strike Iran because he believes that Iran was
15:48going to strike U.S. targets within seven days.
15:50Where is he getting that?
15:51This was a feeling the president had based on facts.
15:54Oh.
15:56Vibes, baby.
15:57I told you war is vibes.
15:59If this is feelings based on facts, question to the panel, where did Trump get his facts?
16:06From his feelings.
16:08Sort of a circle.
16:09The feelings bring the facts, the facts bring the feelings, the feelings, the facts, war.
16:15The president went to war with a little help from his friends.
16:18The situation was very quickly approaching.
16:21The point of no return and the United States found it intolerable, in my opinion, based on what Steve and
16:29Jared and Pete and others were telling me.
16:32Marco was so involved that I thought that they were going to attack us.
16:38Steve and Tommy and Jim and them.
16:41Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike.
16:45I'm going to bomb Iran.
16:46Who cares who you like?
16:49That's a joke for four black people and Moshe.
16:52Yes.
16:55Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff were the guys in charge of the Iran negotiations in Geneva last month.
17:00They did a great job, didn't they?
17:01How about a hand for Jared and Steve, everybody?
17:04Keeping us out of war.
17:05Good job, guys.
17:06To be fair, Michael, they're real estate guys.
17:09Okay?
17:10They did the best they could.
17:11They really did.
17:13It was reported on Monday that even though nuclear experts questioned the extent to which they understood the technical details
17:21of enrichment programs,
17:24Witkoff and Kushner still did not bring any technical experts from the U.S. to sit in on their talks
17:31with Iran.
17:32This is what I'm saying.
17:33They used to pretend they used to do theater.
17:35They'd bring the nuclear expert knowing we're going to war with them no matter what happens.
17:39They'd bring on the scientists.
17:40What do you think?
17:40Oh, he says that they were doing it.
17:42We've got a reason.
17:42The theater's done.
17:43You remember when George W. Bush trotted Colin Powell out to the U.N. with all his lies and the
17:49pictures and the missiles and the things.
17:50And then all of us were like, oh, Colin Powell, he wouldn't lie to us.
17:54Hmm.
17:57That was theater.
17:58We're kind of post-theater.
17:59I miss theater.
18:01Me too.
18:02And the fact that they gave Colin Powell a Tony Award for that, I thought was just great.
18:07It was a good performance, to be honest.
18:24Welcome back.
18:25It's time for the Offend-O-Meter.
18:27Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
18:31Put an offender on the screen, please.
18:34Teams, who is this offender staring into your soul?
18:39Lex Luthor.
18:41He's offended because you shut your blinds, and he was looking in there.
18:47That's Judge Boesburg, I believe.
18:50Yes, it is.
18:51That is U.S. District Court Judge James Boesburg.
18:56Yes.
18:57He does look like a Boesburg, doesn't he?
18:59Yeah.
19:00Boesburg offended U.S. attorney and unofficial brand ambassador for box wine, Judge Jeanine Perra.
19:06She looks fine.
19:10How did Judge offend Jeanine?
19:13They were trying to prosecute Jerome Powell, who's the head of the Fed, and they were trying
19:18to indict him.
19:19I know this one.
19:20They're accusing him of fleecing the remodel of the Federal Reserve buildings and padding
19:27their profits or pimping their rides, as it were.
19:30Judge Boesburg offended Jeanine Perra by blocking her subpoenas against Federal Reserve Chair Jerome
19:36Powell.
19:37Technically, the whole subpoena had a lot to do with building renovations, but if you ask
19:42Ms. Perra to explain...
19:44I'll deal with the devil.
19:46I'll take a case from the devil.
19:49If you can give me information that will lead me to possibly find a crime.
19:57You just know she'd be so fun to get shit-faced with.
20:02It would be a good night out.
20:03It would be so fun.
20:04Here's Powell at a congressional hearing on the renovations last summer.
20:07We took down the old marble while putting it back up.
20:10We'll have to use new marble where some of the old marble broke, but there's no new...
20:14There are no special elevators.
20:16There's just...
20:16There are old elevators that have been there.
20:18There are no new water features.
20:20There's no...
20:21Water features?
20:22There's no water features?
20:23Oh, no, Ophira.
20:25I'm sorry.
20:26Since 2022, the Fed has been renovating two historic buildings in D.C.
20:31The buildings are almost 100 years old, so that means there's a lot of work to do to
20:35the buildings, like making things ADA-compliant and removing asbestos and lead.
20:41But the White House says the whole thing is too expensive and extravagant and a boondoggle,
20:47with Trump's deputy chief of staff, James Blair, even calling the project the Taj Mahal
20:53on the National Mall.
20:55Yeah.
20:55I mean, it's not like they're making a ballroom.
20:58Are the renovations too extravagant?
21:01It's ADA compliance and asbestos and lead.
21:04Those are like three things Trump don't like.
21:06He's like, there is no such thing as disability, asbestos makes you stronger, and lead is a
21:11good beverage.
21:11Like, they're...
21:13Of course they're upset about it.
21:14They're the deregulation kings.
21:16Well, as of last year, the project is running about $700 million over budget, but according
21:23to Jerome Powell, that's just what fixing an old building like that costs.
21:28Uh, Janine Pirro's subpoenas say that Jerome lied in his testimony, but Judge Bosberg did
21:34not agree with Janine.
21:36What's the real reason people think Ms. Pirro subpoenaed Mr. Powell?
21:41Trump keeps wanting him to cut the interest rates, and Powell keeps saying, eh, eh, maybe
21:46not right now, and then that's why he went after him.
21:48And so then, Pirro is then sent out like a legal hit-hit person.
21:53Yep.
21:53Okay.
21:54Here's Jerome when he was first subpoenaed back in January.
21:57The threat of criminal charges is a consequence of the Federal Reserve setting interest rates
22:02based on our best assessment of what will serve the public, rather than following the preferences
22:07of the president.
22:08None of this is really about the renovations.
22:11In his ruling, the judge wrote, quote,
22:13There is abundant evidence that the subpoena's dominant, if not sole, purpose is to harass
22:18and pressure Powell either to yield to the president or to resign and make way for a Fed chair who
22:24will.
22:24He also added, the government has offered no evidence whatsoever that Powell committed
22:29any crime other than displeasing the president.
22:34Oh.
22:34Don't displease the king.
22:37What do we think Judge Pirro had to say about the judge's ruling?
22:41She probably said,
22:41образ inner person's
22:45binary ones that are severe.
22:51Yeah.
23:01Well.
23:04What's this?
23:05He has neutered the grand jury's ability to investigate crime.
23:12As a result, Jerome Powell today is now bathed in immunity.
23:19Bathed in immunity.
23:21Bathed in immunity.
23:22While bathed in Botox or so.
23:25Yes.
23:26No matter what happens with Powell,
23:28Jeanine Pirro is going to be the one who really gets the last word.
23:31I'll tell you what's historic.
23:32What's historic is that I prosecute everything other than 10% of the cases
23:37where the United States attorney before me didn't prosecute 67% of the cases.
23:43That's what's historic.
23:45I'm willing to take a not guilty.
23:47I'm willing to take a no true bill
23:49because I'll take all the crimes and put them in.
23:55She definitely does have arrested by airport security at a bar vibe.
24:00You want to go out with her?
24:02You know you'll never go back to that bar again.
24:05But you will have a story for the rest of your life.
24:09Yeah.
24:09I feel like she has that moment of like,
24:12it's 1 a.m.
24:12You want to go to the yacht?
24:13You're like, there's a yacht!
24:15You know, like that.
24:16Is Jeanine up to something more?
24:21She's performing,
24:22and her performing like that has done her a lot of good.
24:25It got her where she is today.
24:27The louder she is,
24:28personally, the more fun I have.
24:30I feel like I know where Roy's going with this and I like it.
24:33Last week, Kristi Noem out on her ear.
24:36People were speculating about who's next.
24:38The name Pam Bondi keeps coming up.
24:41What's Pam Bondi?
24:42The Attorney General of the United States.
24:44You don't think Judge Jeanine is looking at Pam Bondi and going,
24:47I can do that better than you can do that?
24:49So, Judge Jeanine is being very emphatic about this issue,
24:54and the reason why,
24:55CNN's Casey Hunt has a theory.
24:57There's been some conversation around whether Jeanine Pirro
25:00is potentially a future replacement for Pam Bondi
25:03if the administration is unhappy with her.
25:08What do you plan on focusing on with the current Attorney General?
25:13Well, first, I mean, that...
25:15I've heard that same, um, rumor.
25:18That would be a complete disaster.
25:20I mean, I'm not sure you'd get worse than Pam Bondi,
25:21but that might be it right there.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:26APPLAUSE
25:26Is Judge Jeanine worse than Pam Bondi?
25:29For comedy? No.
25:31I have never watched Pam Bondi speak for any real length,
25:37you know, just other than clips.
25:38Let that hoe get in there.
25:40I will watch every fucking minute.
25:42That's what I'm saying.
25:44That was Offend-O-Meter. We'll be right back.
25:47APPLAUSE
25:58Welcome back.
26:00It is time for Like Curious Teens.
26:03I'll give you three biographical details about a public figure,
26:06but only one is true.
26:07You have to guess which is the truth
26:08and which are sort grubby lies.
26:11Time for three facts about Trump's pick
26:13for Homeland Security Secretary
26:15and third smartest Mark Wayne in his class,
26:18Mark Wayne Mullin.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20Our facts about Mark Wayne are...
26:23He builds birdhouses in his free time.
26:26He hosts a podcast where he breaks down Reacher episodes.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30He once owned a plumbing company.
26:33Birdhouses.
26:34All right.
26:34I don't think he builds a birdhouse.
26:36I don't think he likes birds.
26:38So do you think he owned a plumbing company?
26:40I think he owned a plumbing company.
26:41Yes, I do.
26:41All right, we're gonna go with plumbing company.
26:43He hosts a Jack Reacher podcast.
26:45That just fills me with joy.
26:47I love the idea.
26:48He's like, what's up?
26:48This is Mark Wayne.
26:49I'm the head of Homeland Security.
26:51Today's episode is brought to you by MeUndies.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:56I'm sold.
26:57We want to go with two.
26:58Mark Wayne Mullin once owned a plumbing company.
27:02Yeah!
27:04After high school,
27:06Mark Wayne took over his family's plumbing business,
27:08and with his level of animal magnetism,
27:11obviously, he had to be the face of it.
27:14Hi, I'm Mark Wayne Mullin
27:15with Mullin Plumbing, the Red Ritter.
27:17Do you have a stool that just doesn't flush right?
27:19A lot of times, that's due to the water level
27:21in the tank that needs to be adjusted.
27:23It needs to be about a half inch below the Douglas valve
27:26or to where it's clearly marked his water line.
27:28Oh.
27:30Politics aside,
27:30I trust somebody who talks that fast
27:33to fix shit in my house.
27:36I've never heard a plumber describe
27:37a stubborn stool in their promotional material.
27:41You have a big, fat stool
27:42that you just can't get to flush.
27:43It breaks in half,
27:44but it kind of goes on to the side,
27:45and then you've got to pee it off,
27:47and then it just won't go.
27:48It's like, Mark Wayne, TMI.
27:52Time for three facts about journalists
27:54and the lady who designs the Incredibles costumes,
27:58Christiane Amanpour.
28:01Aw.
28:03Our facts about this fine, respected journalist are,
28:06she was former housemates with JFK Jr.
28:09She rollerblades to work.
28:11She has seen Fleetwood Mac in concert
28:14over 150 times.
28:16Which one is the truth?
28:18I'm going to say it's number three,
28:19seen Fleetwood Mac.
28:21100%.
28:21They were Mac, yeah.
28:22Why would JFK Jr. have housemates?
28:23That doesn't make any sense.
28:24Right, he's like,
28:25I'm renting out a two-bedroom.
28:30It's rough for the Kennedys these days.
28:33Christiane, if you pay a little more,
28:35you could have the bigger bedroom.
28:37It's got to be three.
28:39All right, we're going to Fleetwood Mac also.
28:40Well, now they said three,
28:42so now I want to go to two.
28:44If you're saying two, we're going three.
28:45If you're saying three, we're going two.
28:47Correct.
28:47We're going one.
28:51Christiane Amanpour
28:52was former housemates
28:54with JFK Jr.
28:56Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
29:00Amanpour is the chief
29:02international news anchor for CNN,
29:04so she can probably afford
29:06her own house now.
29:08But back in the day in college,
29:10she needed a roommate.
29:12Here she explains.
29:13I spent two of my years at university
29:16sharing a house with him.
29:17Probably to this day,
29:18nobody really believes that
29:19John Kennedy cleaned his own toilets.
29:21He did, I'm here to tell you.
29:22Wow.
29:23Are you not like JFK Jr.
29:25and can't clean your own stools?
29:27Well, come on down.
29:28Mark Wayne Mullins' Red Roto-Rooters.
29:33Does anyone know why JFK Jr.
29:35is in the news this week?
29:37Did he come back?
29:39There's a show about him
29:40and his grand love.
29:42Bonus points, you know the love?
29:44Yeah, the blonde lady.
29:45Mm-hmm, the blonde lady,
29:47Nancy Grace herself.
29:50People are talking about JFK Jr.
29:52because of the Ryan Murphy show
29:53Love Story,
29:54which details the relationship
29:56between Kennedy's son
29:58and his wife, Carolyn Bissette,
29:59and one person definitely
30:01does not like this show.
30:03Oh, is it the weird guy
30:05that says we can't take Tylenol?
30:07It's actress Daryl Hannah.
30:10What?
30:10I knew it.
30:11Yes, earlier this month,
30:13Hannah wrote a piece
30:13in the New York Times
30:15about how furious she was
30:16about how she was portrayed
30:18in the show.
30:20Apparently, it was bad enough
30:22that Hannah felt the need
30:23to say this.
30:24I have never used cocaine
30:26in my life
30:27or hosted cocaine-fueled parties.
30:29I have never pressured
30:30anyone into marriage.
30:32I have never desecrated
30:33any family heirloom
30:35or intruded upon
30:36anyone's private memorial.
30:38Wow.
30:39You gonna talk shit
30:40about America's mermaid?
30:41Mm-hmm.
30:42Do you prefer mermaid era,
30:44Daryl Hannah?
30:44I'm more of a Kill Bill era.
30:46Ooh.
30:47Yeah, that's amazing.
30:49Wait a minute.
30:50That's Uma Thurman.
30:52No, she said she brought
30:54her eye out.
30:55It was in another...
30:57Oh.
30:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:00This has been Lycurious.
31:01More after the break.
31:10All right.
31:13Welcome back.
31:14It is time for Meet in the Middle,
31:16where we find common ground
31:17between two different people
31:19who would never be caught
31:21hanging out.
31:22All right, on one side,
31:23we have Susie Wiles,
31:24Jason Kelsey,
31:25Sean Penn,
31:26and Ken Paxton.
31:28And on the other side,
31:29there's Benny Blanco,
31:30Paul McCartney,
31:31Timothee Chalamet,
31:33and Paul Thomas Anderson.
31:35Wow.
31:35The game is afoot.
31:37Which two of these people
31:38have notoriously dirty feet?
31:41Ooh.
31:42Well, we all saw...
31:43Oh, I guess we didn't.
31:45Y'all.
31:46Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco
31:48were doing a podcast.
31:50Benny Blanco was like,
31:51y'all always clowning me
31:52because you say my feet are gross.
31:54She goes, no, they're not.
31:55Grabs his nasty foot.
31:57No.
31:58And puts both of her
31:59angelic lips on them
32:00and kisses it like this.
32:03Buddy,
32:04you could have barfed
32:05your face off.
32:06Wow.
32:07But they're in love
32:08and I think that's beautiful.
32:09Okay, so Benny Blanco,
32:10who's on the other side?
32:11Don't you think Sean Penn
32:12has the nastiest feet?
32:14Decades of a crude
32:16Malibu asphalt
32:17on his foot.
32:20By the way,
32:21either side of this
32:22is a dream blunt rotation.
32:26I want to say Chalamet.
32:27Chalamet, his dirty feet?
32:29Right?
32:29Doesn't he?
32:30His mom was the ballet dance.
32:31That's why he hates ballet.
32:32That's why he hates ballet.
32:35Chalamet and Penn.
32:36Blanco and Penn.
32:37Benny Penny.
32:38It is Benny Blanco
32:40and Jason Kelsey.
32:42Oh, footballer.
32:44In 2024,
32:45Jason Kelsey made waves
32:46when he tweeted,
32:47quote,
32:47what kind of weirdo
32:48washes their feet?
32:50Now, uh,
32:51Benny Blanco
32:52didn't announce
32:52his foot washing habits,
32:54but if you look
32:54really closely on his show,
32:56Friends Keep Secrets,
32:57you can tell
32:58what's going on
32:59with his foot.
33:00Let's just pretend
33:00that we're hanging out
33:01like we normally do.
33:02You never even hang out.
33:02I was going to say,
33:03that's the goal.
33:03Are we going to have to pretend?
33:06His feet are like
33:07Trump's hands.
33:10Either way,
33:11it's going to bring down
33:11his wiki feet school.
33:13That's for sure.
33:14If you don't know
33:15what wiki feet is,
33:16wiki feet is
33:17a website
33:17where people can rate
33:18the feet of various
33:19celebrities.
33:20Question to the panel,
33:21who on this panel
33:22has the highest
33:24wiki feet score?
33:27It's so obvious.
33:29Mine is very low.
33:30I know it's not mine.
33:31I look like a hobbit.
33:33Here are the scores.
33:34Ophira Eisenberg,
33:36your rating on wiki feet
33:37is 3.79 stars.
33:39That seems really good.
33:42Amber Ruffin,
33:453.89.
33:462 stars.
33:48Well, that's from people
33:49who ain't seen these shits.
33:51It is busted down there.
33:53Michael Ian Black,
33:564.04 stars.
34:01But the wiki feet winner
34:03on this panel,
34:04Moshe Kasher,
34:054.17 stars.
34:08Congratulations.
34:12I'm telling you,
34:13it's hobbit life.
34:24I feel like Lindsey Graham
34:27at a Thunder Down Under concert.
34:31All right, next up,
34:32we've got Jam Mams.
34:35Which two of these people
34:37dated Lilith Fair performers?
34:40Ooh.
34:41I do know that Ken Paxson
34:42was with Ani DeFranco
34:43for a while.
34:47It seems like it's got to be
34:48Sean Penn and Paul McCartney,
34:50right?
34:50Sure.
34:51Okay.
34:51Paul Thomas Anderson.
34:52He could easily...
34:53Oh, yeah.
34:53There we go.
34:54That's a Lilith Fair guy
34:55right there.
34:56Totally.
34:56Paul Thomas Anderson,
34:57Sean Penn.
34:58Sean Penn and Paul Thomas Anderson
35:01both dated Lilith Fair performers.
35:04In addition to directing
35:06several of her music videos,
35:07Paul Thomas Anderson
35:08was in a relationship
35:09with Fiona Apple.
35:10Oh, yeah.
35:10And Sean Penn
35:11had a secret relationship
35:13with Jewel
35:14in the mid-'90s.
35:16Whoa.
35:17When she was living in her car
35:18and was looking for
35:19a little extra poetry money?
35:22Ms. Apple has said
35:23that her relationship
35:24with Paul Thomas Anderson
35:26was not healthy,
35:27but she did credit him
35:29with helping her
35:30to quit drugs.
35:32Wow.
35:32In an interview
35:33with The New Yorker,
35:34Fiona Apple says
35:34she was inspired
35:35to quit drugs
35:36after, quote,
35:37one excruciating night
35:38with Paul
35:39at Quentin Tarantino's house
35:42explaining, quote,
35:43every addict
35:44should just get locked
35:45in a private movie theater
35:47with QT and PTA on Coke
35:49and they'll never want
35:50to do it again.
35:53I saw you on Coke.
35:55I was like,
35:56I gotta quit this shit.
35:57Get down.
35:59Let's do Beak Freaks.
36:00Which two of these people
36:01both love birdwatching?
36:04Oh.
36:04Well, these two motherfuckers
36:06are birds.
36:07Look at this face.
36:08Susie Wiles.
36:08Look at that face.
36:09Now, you can't see
36:10who I'm pointing to,
36:11but you knew exactly
36:12who I'm pointing to.
36:14All right,
36:15we know Chalamet doesn't like
36:16any of the fine arts.
36:17No.
36:18McCartney, that sounds right.
36:19McCartney, yes.
36:20We're going Paxton
36:20and McCartney.
36:21What do you think?
36:22You know,
36:22we'll go the other direction.
36:24Yeah, we say
36:24the other two people.
36:25Yep, that's right.
36:27White House chief of staff,
36:28Susie Wiles,
36:29and Paul McCartney
36:30are both the big birdwatchers.
36:31Yep.
36:32Everyone's right,
36:32it's the bird people.
36:35It's like looking in a mirror.
36:38Well, I love me,
36:39you know,
36:39so I like to watch me.
36:41Paul has a lot of references
36:43to birds and songs of his
36:44and likes to go birdwatching
36:46between shows
36:46when he's on tour.
36:47Does anyone want to guess
36:48what conservative politician
36:50Susie Wiles has gone birding with?
36:53I know Dick Cheney
36:54likes to shoot people in the face
36:55when he goes birding.
36:56Right.
36:56And Matt Gaetz
36:58likes to look at younger birds.
36:59Right.
37:02Point!
37:03Oh!
37:04Shut up!
37:06Oh!
37:08It's former Florida rep Matt Gaetz.
37:12Gaetz said that the two
37:14spent time together
37:15watching the herons
37:16and the wood ducks
37:17and the woodpeckers.
37:18Wow.
37:19That's probably not the only reason
37:20Matt Gaetz owns binoculars.
37:22Yes.
37:23The cool part is
37:24there's no age of consent
37:26in the wild.
37:29We didn't get to
37:30Ken Paxson and Timothee Chalamet,
37:31but they're both desperate for votes
37:33and they're both flirting
37:34with your mom.
37:35More after the break.
37:45Welcome back.
37:46It's time for
37:47Which Is Higher?
37:48I'll give you two
37:49unrelated numbers
37:50from the news.
37:51You tell me
37:51which is higher.
37:54Melania arrived on stream
37:56in earlier this week, panel.
37:57The controversial documentary
37:59is now available to watch
38:00at home via Amazon Prime,
38:02which brings us to the question
38:04which is higher.
38:06The domestic box office gross
38:08for Melania
38:09or
38:10the amount of cash
38:12Ivana Tromp received
38:13from Donald
38:14in their divorce.
38:16Oh.
38:17Oh, wow.
38:18Both such small numbers.
38:22Melania, I want to say,
38:24grossed a surprisingly high number.
38:27I want to say, Ivana.
38:28I just want that.
38:29Anyways.
38:29I'm pretty sure
38:31the Melania number
38:32is 16 million.
38:34That hurt.
38:35Because it cost
38:3540 million to make.
38:37And I remember
38:39laughing about that.
38:42The domestic box office gross
38:44of Melania,
38:4616.4 million dollars.
38:49And the amount
38:49that Ivana got
38:50from Trump
38:51in their divorce,
38:5214 million dollars.
38:54So the domestic box office
38:56gross of Melania
38:58is higher.
38:59Wow.
39:00That means Melania, too,
39:02is going to get greenlit, baby.
39:05Ivana was able
39:06to parlay her marriage
39:07to Donald
39:07and some of the paying gigs.
39:09Five years after
39:10they got divorced,
39:11the two actually appeared
39:13in a commercial together.
39:14Here's the first part.
39:16You really think
39:16this is the right thing
39:17for us to be doing, Ivana?
39:19What do people think?
39:20Let them talk.
39:22Donald.
39:23Ivana.
39:24It's wrong, isn't it?
39:26But it feels so right.
39:28Then it's a deal.
39:29Wow.
39:30Question to the panel.
39:32What is that commercial about?
39:34Adult diapers.
39:37It feels so right.
39:40Golf course cemeteries.
39:44Divorce lawyers.
39:47Here's the answer.
39:48Then it's a deal.
39:49Yes, we eat our pizza
39:50the wrong way.
39:51Crest first.
39:52Introducing stuffed crust pizza
39:53from Pizza Hut.
39:54You'll want to eat it
39:55the wrong way.
39:56Crest first.
39:57May I have the last slice?
39:58Actually,
39:59you're only entitled to half.
40:01See?
40:04Divorce lawyers.
40:05Around the time
40:06of the errand
40:06of this commercial,
40:07uh,
40:08industry experts say
40:09it transformed
40:10stuffed crust pizza
40:11into a multi-billion dollar business,
40:14adding $300 million
40:16in sales in its first year,
40:17according to the official
40:19Pizza Hut blog,
40:21Hut Life.
40:23Oh, my God.
40:25I didn't choose Hut Life.
40:27Hut Life chose me.
40:30That's what Jabba has
40:32tattooed right here.
40:33That was Witch's Heart.
40:41All right.
40:43It's time for my favorite game.
40:45It's called
40:45Who's That Baby Is?
40:47I'll show you
40:47a famous person's
40:49baby picture,
40:49and you tell me,
40:50boy, who's the baby?
40:52Who's the baby?
40:53Let's see the baby.
40:54Oh.
40:54That baby looks familiar.
40:55They were born
40:56in Inglewood, California.
40:58They once taught a class
40:59at Stanford
41:00on personal branding,
41:01and they were
41:02the first black woman
41:03to appear on the cover
41:04of Sports Illustrated
41:04Swimsuit Issue
41:05dated Chris Webber
41:06in the early 2000s,
41:07and they were the main subject
41:09of the recent docuseries,
41:10Reality Check,
41:11Inside America's Next Top Model.
41:13I had it no clues,
41:15but I felt in a weird position
41:16to have to lean
41:17to a black woman
41:18and say,
41:19oh, I know exactly
41:20who that is.
41:21But it's Tyra Banks.
41:22Yeah.
41:22Jarrell Hanna.
41:25That baby is Tyra Banks.
41:29I'm going to give you all
41:30two facts about Tyra Banks.
41:32You tell me which fact is real.
41:35First fact,
41:35on her daytime talk show,
41:37did Tyra fistfight
41:38the cheetah girls
41:40or pretend to have rabies?
41:43The drama for the rabies
41:45sounds like a little...
41:46So good, right?
41:46It's great, but...
41:47I mean, like,
41:47she put a little Alka-Seltz
41:49in her mouth,
41:49and then she's like...
41:50On her daytime talk show,
41:53Tyra Banks pretended
41:54to have rabies.
41:57That was Who's That, baby.
41:59I want to thank our guests,
42:01Moshe Tasha and Ophira Eisenberg.
42:03And, of course,
42:04thank you to our team captains,
42:05Amber Ruffin
42:06and Michael Ian Black.
42:08Before we sign off,
42:10here are a few more stories
42:12we're watching.
42:13Politician frustrated
42:14with sneaky little hobbitists.
42:20Senator introduces Bill
42:21to limit the temperature of soup.
42:25I'm Roy Wood Jr.
42:27and I'll see you next week
42:27for another episode
42:28of How That Got Loops For You.
42:29And check out my website
42:31RoyWoodJr.com
42:32for my rescheduled
42:33straight-up remorse dates.
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