- 1 hour ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:21Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:23I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:25In the news this week.
00:28Despite leadership shakeup,
00:30Kennedy Center still booking
00:31major acts.
00:38A quick look at Americans
00:40checking their 401ks.
00:47Don Jr.'s morning regimen
00:49revealed.
00:50Fentanyl, heroin, meth, and cocaine.
00:53On Amherstine Tonight,
00:54he's a comedian.
00:55He's been on Kimmel, NPR,
00:57and Comedy Central,
00:57and he's known for hilariously
00:59calling out racism
01:00wherever he sees it.
01:02Michael, maybe you should leave now.
01:04It's Harry Cundibone.
01:09And joining team Michael,
01:12he's an award-winning journalist
01:13who has won three
01:14Edward R. Murrow Awards
01:16and hosted NPR's
01:17All Things Considered
01:18until last year
01:20when I assume
01:20he ran out of things to consider.
01:22It's Ari Shapiro.
01:26Now, for the biggest stories
01:28of the week,
01:29Amber,
01:30Ari,
01:31watch the clips.
01:32Tell me,
01:32what is the story?
01:34Okay,
01:35this is our best friend,
01:36and that is a map.
01:38Straight up our moves.
01:39The doors are closed,
01:40so I'm just gonna say
01:42this story
01:43is about
01:44how everyone hates us
01:45and they're right.
01:46Yeah.
01:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:47I agree with that.
01:48Yes, the story is
01:49Donald Trump goes to war
01:50with the world
01:51and people abroad
01:52are not fans of it,
01:54but how's it going here at home?
01:56If you could say something
01:57to President Trump
01:57and he was gonna hear you
01:58right now,
01:59what would it be?
02:01You're a worthless
02:02pile of s***.
02:05And you voted for him
02:06how many times?
02:07Three times.
02:08That was my bad.
02:10Apparently,
02:10I'm an idiot.
02:14Oh,
02:15the most honest person
02:17in America.
02:17Three times.
02:18Now,
02:19as the working thing
02:19is President Trump
02:20seems perpetually surprised
02:22that Iran
02:23is actually
02:24fighting back
02:25during a war.
02:27So now,
02:28Trump,
02:28a man who seems
02:29to burn bridges
02:30while he's only
02:31halfway across the bridge,
02:34has finally realized,
02:35oh dear,
02:36I need help
02:36from other countries.
02:38How's that getting help
02:39from other countries going?
02:40Yeah,
02:40apparently when you do stuff
02:41without asking people,
02:42they don't want to help you afterwards.
02:44Here's Van Avasch
02:45with how some of our allies responded.
02:47Germany,
02:48this war has nothing
02:48to do with NATO.
02:49It's not NATO's war.
02:50UK,
02:51we will not be drawn
02:51into the wider war.
02:53Italy,
02:53Italy is not part
02:54of the conflict.
02:55Australia,
02:55we will not be sending a ship
02:57to the Strait of Hormuz.
02:58Japan,
02:59we are proceeding
02:59with consideration.
03:01We are considering
03:03his Japanese for,
03:04fuck you.
03:06When Trump met
03:07with the Japanese
03:07Prime Minister,
03:09Sunai Takeshi,
03:10what happened
03:11in the meeting?
03:12He thought
03:12it would be
03:13a great idea
03:13to make a joke
03:14about bombing
03:16Pearl Harbor.
03:17Why didn't you
03:18tell U.S.
03:19allies
03:20in Europe
03:21and Asia
03:22like Japan
03:22about the war
03:24before attacking Iran?
03:25We didn't tell anybody
03:25about it
03:26because we wanted
03:27surprise.
03:29Who knows better
03:30about surprise
03:30than Japan?
03:32Okay?
03:33Why didn't you
03:33tell me
03:34about Pearl Harbor?
03:35Okay?
03:37Right?
03:37To be fair,
03:38he got some laughs
03:39in the room.
03:40He got like
03:41two groans.
03:42I'll take it.
03:44Also love,
03:45he did the joke,
03:46it bombed,
03:46and then he goes,
03:47right?
03:50The ladies
03:51know what I'm
03:51talking about, right?
03:52He made the attack
03:54without telling
03:54the other countries
03:55because normally
03:55in war you go,
03:56hey, I'm going
03:57over there
03:57and punch them
03:57in the face,
03:58make sure you
03:58got my back.
03:59But Trump
03:59instead punched
04:01people in the face
04:01and then came back
04:02and go,
04:03hey, I just
04:03punched them
04:04in the face.
04:05Would you mind
04:05helping me fight
04:06me?
04:08Here he is
04:09hedging his bets.
04:10We have the
04:10strongest military
04:11by far in the world.
04:12We don't need them,
04:13but it's interesting.
04:15I'm almost doing it
04:16in some cases
04:17not because we need them
04:18but because I want
04:19to find out
04:19how they react.
04:20Oh, he's going
04:21through the stages
04:21of grief.
04:22That's denied.
04:24According to Trump,
04:25it'll be,
04:26quote,
04:27very bad
04:27for the future
04:28of NATO
04:29if they don't
04:30help us.
04:31He's going to
04:32bomb NATO.
04:34He's going to
04:34bomb the hell
04:35out of NATO.
04:35Britain's former
04:36chief of the
04:36defense staff
04:37doesn't want NATO
04:38to get pulled
04:39into this war.
04:40NATO was created
04:41as an underlying
04:42four times
04:42defensive alliance.
04:44It was not
04:44an alliance
04:45that was designed
04:46for one of the
04:46allies to go
04:47on a war of choice
04:48and then oblige
04:50everybody else
04:51to follow.
04:51Is that red thing
04:52his heart rate?
04:55So now Trump's
04:56in a bit of a pickle.
04:57He started a war
04:57that no one
04:58wants to help in
04:59and there's no
04:59clear way out
05:00of that war,
05:01but Trump is
05:02a scrappy guy
05:02who's always
05:03overcome adversity
05:04and he's overcome
05:05adversity all by himself.
05:06He doesn't need people.
05:07Is Donald Trump
05:08a self-made man?
05:14What you could have
05:14noticed that
05:15Donald Trump
05:15sees himself
05:17as self-made.
05:18In 2015,
05:19he was asked
05:20this question
05:21at an election town hall.
05:22With the exception
05:23of your family,
05:24have you ever been
05:25told no?
05:26It has not been
05:26easy for me
05:27and, you know,
05:28I started off
05:28in Brooklyn.
05:29My father gave me
05:30a small loan
05:31of a million dollars?
05:33The only thing
05:34he made himself
05:35was that color.
05:38That's great.
05:41From the very moment
05:42Donald Trump
05:43has started in business,
05:44there has always
05:45been somebody there
05:46to bail him out
05:48when he failed
05:48and he has failed
05:50a lot.
05:51In fact,
05:51Wikipedia
05:52has a whole category
05:54called
05:54businesses of Donald Trump
05:57that went bankrupt.
05:58And it has 24
06:01separate pages.
06:03Question to the panel,
06:04what is your favorite
06:05failed Donald Trump
06:07business?
06:08I like the Trump
06:09Taj Mahal going down.
06:10That was always
06:10a big one.
06:11The casino,
06:12the Atlantic City.
06:12Yeah,
06:13because on behalf
06:13of India,
06:14fuck you.
06:17Well,
06:18of all the failed
06:18Trump businesses,
06:19there was this one.
06:21The Sharper Image
06:22is one of my favorite
06:23stores with fantastic
06:25products of all kinds.
06:27that's why I'm thrilled
06:28they agree with me.
06:30Trump's stakes
06:31are the world's
06:32greatest stakes
06:32and I mean that
06:33in every sense
06:34of the word.
06:35How many senses
06:36of the word
06:36are there?
06:38The bigger question
06:40is why are you
06:40buying a stake
06:41at an electronic store?
06:44According to
06:45the former CEO
06:46of Sharper Image,
06:48quote,
06:48we literally sold
06:49almost no stakes.
06:52In every sense
06:53of the word.
06:55So the man
06:56who failed at casinos,
06:57failed at hotels,
06:58failed at stakes
06:58has gotten us
06:59into a war
07:00that he promised
07:01he would never start
07:02and now he's resorting
07:03to what he always does
07:04when things aren't
07:05going his way.
07:06He blames other people.
07:07Does anyone know
07:08which one of our allies
07:10Trump threw under the bus
07:12on Wednesday night?
07:13He posted this
07:14long-truth social rant
07:15about Israel bombing
07:17an oil and gas field
07:19that was jointly owned
07:20by Qatar and Iran
07:21and Qatar is a U.S. ally
07:23and he said
07:23Israel will never
07:24do that again
07:25and Qatar,
07:26we're not going to bomb
07:26any more oil and gas fields
07:28and tsk, tsk,
07:30shame on you.
07:30That is correct.
07:31Points to you, Ari.
07:32It was Israel.
07:33Wednesday night
07:34on Truth Social,
07:35Trump posted, quote,
07:37Israel,
07:37out of anger
07:38for what has taken place
07:39in the Middle East,
07:40has violently lashed out
07:41at a major facility
07:42in Iran.
07:43The United States
07:44knew nothing about
07:45this particular attack.
07:48This particular...
07:49You know how bad
07:49it's got to be
07:50for Trump to distance himself
07:51from you?
07:52He's still kicking
07:53with Rudy Giuliani.
07:56So Trump is, uh,
07:58cornered,
07:58he's alienated his allies,
08:00angered his supporters,
08:01and even some of his own staff
08:02won't back him up.
08:03There's only one option.
08:05Here's the president
08:06on Wednesday.
08:06I wonder what would happen
08:08if we, quote,
08:09finished off what's left
08:10of the Iranian terror state
08:11and let the countries
08:12that use it,
08:13we don't,
08:14be responsible
08:14for the so-called straight.
08:16That would get some
08:17of our non-responsive allies
08:18in gear and fast
08:19president DJT.
08:20He misspelled straight.
08:24Maybe it's like
08:25a Gulf of America
08:26type situation.
08:27Right, right, right.
08:27Yeah.
08:28So from now on,
08:29that will be
08:30how it is spelled.
08:33Michael and Ari,
08:34watch the clip.
08:35Tell me,
08:35what is the story?
08:37Capitol Hill.
08:37Okay.
08:38Oh, that's that guy,
08:39Bruce Wayne.
08:40Mark Wayne Mullen.
08:40I'm gonna go with Bruce Wayne.
08:41And then,
08:42Cruella de Vil.
08:43Yes, of course.
08:44Cash Patel.
08:46Yeah.
08:46Tulsi Gabbard,
08:47Cash Patel,
08:48went to the Capitol,
08:49and like all meetings
08:51with Trump officials
08:53talking to congresspeople,
08:54it did not go well.
08:55The story is,
08:56while Trump's focus
08:57is on other countries,
08:58the Senate was focused
08:59on domestic matters
09:01this last week
09:02at the confirmation hearing
09:03for Trump's nominee
09:04to head of the Department
09:05of Homeland Security,
09:07Senator Mark Wayne Mullen.
09:09Looked like a business
09:09casual woodchuck
09:11right there.
09:12It says there's gonna be
09:13three more weeks of winter.
09:15Three more weeks of winter.
09:17Confirmation hearing
09:18is to hold a prospective
09:19appointee's feet to the fire.
09:21And there's nobody better
09:22to do the scrutinizing
09:23than Iowa Senator Joni Ertz.
09:26I am going to say
09:27to the president,
09:28I am really upset
09:29that he has made
09:30your nomination.
09:32Why?
09:33Because I will be losing
09:35from the Senate
09:35one of the best friends
09:37that I have here.
09:39Truly.
09:43Siri, play End of the Road
09:45by boys to men.
09:48One person really seemed
09:50to lead the charge
09:51against Senator Mullen
09:52in the hearing.
09:53Which Republican was it?
09:55Was it Rand Paul?
09:56The only senator
09:57who has his barber
09:58to make him look like
09:59the dude from The Bear.
10:00Look at that haircut.
10:01Senator Paul gave
10:02a hard no vote
10:04against Mullen,
10:05adding, quote,
10:05I think there are
10:07anger issues.
10:09You did many interviews
10:10in which you justified
10:11the violence
10:12as historically justified
10:13by precedents,
10:14such as caning
10:15and dueling.
10:16What I was simply
10:17pointing out
10:18is some of the rules
10:18that still apply
10:19to this body.
10:21For instance,
10:23dueling with two
10:24consenting adults
10:24is still there.
10:26I was pointing out
10:27what is still...
10:28for 170 years.
10:30There's no precedent
10:32for legal dueling.
10:34We should bring back
10:35dueling.
10:36But only between
10:37two consenting adults.
10:39Well, question,
10:40does anyone know
10:40where Rand and Mark
10:41Wayne's conflicts began?
10:44When Rand Paul's neighbor
10:47beat the shit out of him
10:49and Mark Wayne Lohan
10:50said to Rand Paul,
10:51you asshole,
10:52you probably deserved it.
10:53Point!
10:54Yeah!
10:54Yes, indeed.
10:55Rand Paul's people,
10:56Mark Wayne,
10:57goes all the way back
10:58to 2017
10:58after Rand was assaulted
11:00by his neighbor
11:01in a property line dispute.
11:03After that,
11:03Mark Wayne repeatedly
11:04told a group of voters
11:05that he understood completely
11:07why his neighbor
11:08might want to attack
11:10Senator Paul.
11:12I don't know
11:12the details of this dispute
11:14with a neighbor,
11:14but I've lived in Washington
11:16and covered politics
11:17long enough to be able
11:18to say he is,
11:19let's just say,
11:19not one of the most
11:20beloved senators
11:21on Capitol Hill.
11:22Why?
11:23Well, I think you might
11:25want to ask his neighbor.
11:27There seems to be
11:28another element
11:29of Mark Wayne's past
11:31that is coming back
11:32to haunt him right now.
11:33What part of
11:35Mullen's backstory
11:36is still being brought
11:37into question?
11:38He was a stripper.
11:39No.
11:40What would be
11:41Mark Wayne Mullen's
11:42stripper name?
11:43Mark Wayne full-on?
11:46What?
11:48Mark Wayne
11:49considered Mullen
11:50full-on,
11:51like a full-on...
11:52Like a boner?
11:53Like a boner, yeah.
11:54Oh.
11:55Okay.
11:55Earlier this month,
11:56Mark Wayne went on Fox News
11:57to defend our attacks
11:58on Iran,
11:59and he said this...
12:00War is ugly.
12:01It smells bad,
12:02and if anybody's ever
12:03been there
12:04and been able to smell
12:05the war that's happened
12:08around you
12:09and taste it
12:09and feel it in your nostrils
12:11and hear it,
12:12it's something that
12:13you'll never forget.
12:14Fact check, true.
12:16Okay.
12:17But can you taste it?
12:18Can you taste the war?
12:19I personally have never
12:19tasted it,
12:20but maybe he's been in wars
12:21that I haven't covered
12:22as a journalist,
12:22so I'm not gonna...
12:23I'm not gonna yuck his yum.
12:28After seeing Mark Wayne
12:30talk about
12:30the smell of war,
12:33New York rep
12:33and two-time
12:34Bronze Star recipient
12:36Pat Ryan
12:37shared the clip
12:38and asked,
12:38quote,
12:39Hey, Senator Mullen,
12:40what the actual fuck
12:41are you talking about?
12:42Did I miss a part
12:43of your bio
12:44where you served
12:45in combat
12:46or served in uniform
12:47at all?
12:48Call of Duty
12:49doesn't count.
12:52Bigger question.
12:53Did Rand Paul strategy work?
12:55One of the most reliable
12:56rules of presidential nominations
12:58is if you want to get
12:59somebody confirmed,
13:00pick a senator
13:00because senators
13:01confirm their own.
13:02That's the rule.
13:03So if Senator Mark Wayne Mullen
13:05does not get confirmed
13:06as Secretary of Homeland Security
13:07because of a beef
13:09between Rand Paul
13:10and his neighbor,
13:11that is bonkers.
13:12You would need
13:13some kind of turncoat Democrat
13:14to vote for Mark Wayne Mullen
13:16for this thing to proceed
13:17and I don't think
13:18that's gonna happen.
13:22Mark Wayne Mullen
13:24is moving on
13:25to the fantasy suites
13:26aka the Republican Senate
13:28because the deciding vote
13:30to approve Mark Wayne Mullen
13:32came from a Democratic senator,
13:36Pennsylvania king
13:37of the drawstring,
13:39John Fetterman.
13:41Oh, no.
13:43That's right.
13:44John Fetterman dressed like a daddy
13:45and got custody of his kids.
13:48He just wore a sweatshirt.
13:50It's just a range of sweatshirts.
13:51It's just a thing.
13:52It wasn't just Mark Wayne Mullen.
13:53Who else found themselves
13:54in the hot seat
13:55before the Senate this week?
13:57There was Tulsi
13:57and there was cash.
13:59Yes.
13:59It was Tulsi Gabbard
14:00aka the National Intelligence Director
14:02and she's like one of the mamas
14:04at a rough parent teacher conferences.
14:06Your child is a piece of shit.
14:10Now, a question to the panel.
14:12Why might Tulsi be so evasive
14:14in her answers
14:16about the U.S. strikes on Iran?
14:18Because the president
14:19keeps making claims
14:21about why we went to war
14:23with Iran
14:24and everything that he's saying
14:27is contradicted
14:28by the report
14:29that our Director
14:30of National Intelligence
14:31submitted to the Congress
14:33and to the president.
14:35Here's what Tulsi Gabbard
14:36campaigned on back in 2020.
14:38He's on the brink
14:38of launching a very stupid
14:40and costly war with Iran.
14:42We have to stop President Trump
14:44from starting a war with Iran
14:45and risk direct U.S. conflict
14:47with Russia,
14:48conflict that could easily
14:49lead to nuclear war.
14:51The U.S. must not go to war
14:53with Iran.
14:54And by not go to war,
14:56she meant we should go to war.
14:58Go to war with Iran, yeah.
15:00That was 2020, Roy.
15:02Yeah.
15:02Things are different now.
15:03Tulsi's testimony
15:04was part of a hearing
15:05on global threats
15:06where we also heard
15:07from FBI Director Cash Patel
15:09looking like he's trying
15:10to get the waiter's attention,
15:12but the waiter
15:12is ignoring him on purpose.
15:15On Thursday,
15:16the House Select
15:17Intelligence Committee
15:18had questions for Cash
15:19over his firing
15:20of some FBI agents.
15:22Question,
15:23why were the firing
15:24of those FBI agents
15:26so concerning?
15:27Because they would have
15:28come in handy.
15:28We're at war with Iran
15:30and they could have helped.
15:31Points!
15:32I did it!
15:35Cash fired the agents
15:37in charge of monitoring
15:38threats from Iran.
15:40These last two stories
15:42have been rough, man.
15:43Tulsi Gabbard's a Hindu,
15:44this guy's an Indian.
15:45It's like,
15:46what did I do?
15:47Did you always know
15:49his first name,
15:50full name was Cashyap?
15:51Yeah.
15:52It's like when you find out
15:53like your homeboy's name
15:54is T-Bone,
15:55but his real name
15:55is like Douglas.
15:56You're like, really?
15:59Do you think
15:59his dad wanted
16:01to name him Money Talks?
16:05But instead,
16:06they went with Cashyap?
16:12The big question
16:13people have
16:13for Cash Patel
16:14this week is,
16:15what are those?
16:18Oh.
16:19All week,
16:19people have been roasting
16:20the custom one-of-a-kind
16:22Nike Dunk Lows
16:23that director Patel
16:24debuted at a seminar.
16:25Let's take a closer look
16:26at these sneakers.
16:27I don't know
16:27if there are any
16:28hypebeasts out there
16:29watching,
16:29but these are custom.
16:31The number nine
16:32is specific
16:33because Cash is
16:34the ninth FBI director.
16:35And if you look
16:36on the tongue,
16:37it has this personal
16:38K-dollar sign,
16:40H logo.
16:41The right shoe
16:42on the back there,
16:44that's the FBI model.
16:46And then the left shoe
16:47has the Punisher skull
16:48because he's just
16:49a giant fucking dork.
16:50Like, why?
16:51I just have to say,
16:53I don't like Cash Patel.
16:55I don't like what he does.
16:56But I like that
16:57that he's having fun.
16:59Like, I'm going to get
17:01sneakers with my name on them.
17:03He's showing up
17:04to hockey games.
17:05He's popping champagne.
17:07He's getting silly shoes made.
17:09It's a good time.
17:10This is what you would do
17:11if you were FBI director.
17:13100%.
17:14Never vote for me.
17:16Never.
17:24Welcome back.
17:25It's time for
17:26the offender meter.
17:27Teams have to tell us
17:28who's the offender,
17:29what they did,
17:29and who they offended.
17:31Put an offender
17:32on the screen, please.
17:33Who's that offender, team?
17:35Is that John Oliver?
17:38After, like,
17:39eight whoppers, maybe.
17:41See, I'm a radio guy.
17:42I recognize people's voices.
17:43No idea what anyone looks like.
17:44This guy sounds like this.
17:47That is Massachusetts
17:49federal judge
17:50Brian Murphy.
17:51Who do you all suspect
17:53that Judge Brian Murphy offended?
17:55Did he talk shit
17:56about Ben Affleck?
17:58Brian Murphy offended
17:59HHS director
18:01RFK Jr.
18:02Seen here telling children
18:04that Sprite causes lupus.
18:08How did Judge Murphy
18:09offend RFK Jr.?
18:11Did he strike down
18:12a vaccine policy,
18:13saying it was not
18:14founded in science?
18:15Point!
18:18On Monday,
18:19Judge Murphy
18:19blocked RFK
18:20from policy changes
18:21that were recommended
18:22by his hand-picked
18:23advisory committee,
18:24or as Greg Kelly put it.
18:25Okay, so, um,
18:27we'll have to give kids
18:2872 vaccines
18:29all over again?
18:31Is that what's
18:32going on here?
18:33What was that music?
18:36That was Indiana Jones
18:38running from the boulder music.
18:40The vaccines are coming.
18:42You got to run.
18:45The judge said
18:47that RFK
18:47and his advisory committee
18:48on immunization practices
18:49had made, quote,
18:51arbitrary and capricious changes
18:54to the childhood vaccine schedule.
18:57And as part of his decision,
18:58Judge Murphy brought up
18:59one very specific case
19:02involving which musical fan base?
19:05Is it the K-pop people?
19:07Oh, this is domestic, baby.
19:09Is it, um,
19:10Insane Clown Posse?
19:14Juggalos!
19:14Boys!
19:15Juggalos!
19:18Are you for real?
19:20I'm just throwing up shit
19:21from half court.
19:23In one part of the ruling,
19:24Murphy cited
19:25Parsons v. United States
19:27Department of Justice,
19:28which was a case
19:29where the Juggalos
19:30tried to fight
19:31their designation
19:32as a gang.
19:33At this point,
19:34I'd rather have
19:35the Insane Clown Posse
19:36in charge of HHS
19:37and RFK Jr.
19:39but at least
19:39we now know
19:41they have an interest
19:41in science.
19:43Water, fire, air and dirt.
19:45Fucking magnets.
19:46How do they work?
19:48You're asking
19:48all the real questions.
19:50Fucking magnets.
19:51They don't want to tell you
19:52about the magnets.
19:53It just works.
19:54You're not allowed
19:55to ask those questions.
19:56We ain't allowed.
19:57Why is it weird
19:58that RFK Jr.
19:59made a bunch of changes
20:00to the vaccine schedule?
20:02When he was confirmed,
20:03they were like,
20:04are you going to change
20:04the vaccine schedule?
20:05He was like,
20:05nah, I'm good.
20:06And then he did it,
20:07just like Donald Trump said.
20:08I'm not going to go
20:08to war with Iran
20:09and then he did it.
20:10During his confirmation hearings,
20:11Kennedy said he wouldn't change
20:12the existing vaccine recommendations.
20:15Senator,
20:15I support vaccines.
20:19I support the childhood schedule.
20:22I will do that.
20:23I mean,
20:23the worm might have eaten
20:25the part of his brain
20:25that remembers saying that.
20:28What if that was
20:28the worm talking?
20:31One committee member,
20:33Dr. Kirk Milhone,
20:34seen here asking
20:35what it's going to take
20:35to get you into
20:36a new Dodge Stratus.
20:40Dr. Milhone is
20:41a pediatric cardiologist
20:43who has suggested
20:44that all childhood vaccines,
20:46including shots against polio
20:47and measles,
20:48should be optional
20:49because the diseases
20:51no longer pose the dangers
20:52they once did.
20:54Oh, I wonder why
20:55they no longer pose
20:56that danger.
20:57Maybe because they were
20:58eradicated by vaccines.
21:00Kennedy and his team
21:01have been wreaking havoc
21:02on vaccines in this country
21:03since taking over,
21:05reducing the number
21:06of recommended routine immunizations
21:08children receive
21:09from 17 to 11.
21:12Which diseases
21:13does the CDC
21:14no longer recommend
21:16vaccines for?
21:18Is it gonorrhea?
21:18Yeah.
21:19Cooties?
21:20Mumps, measles,
21:22rickets.
21:22Some of the illnesses
21:23that the CDC
21:24no longer recommends
21:25children get regularly
21:26vaccinated for
21:27are hepatitis A,
21:28hepatitis B,
21:30rotavirus,
21:30influenza,
21:31and COVID.
21:33Yes, those diseases
21:35build character.
21:35You got to catch them.
21:38A new Axios poll
21:40says that 70%
21:41of Americans
21:42have little
21:43or no trust
21:44in health information
21:46from Kennedy.
21:48I just think
21:48it's hard to take
21:49medical advice
21:50from a guy
21:51that sounds like that.
21:52Like, he sounds
21:53like he's dying.
21:54He does not.
21:55He sounds like
21:56he's actively dying.
21:59Does anyone know
22:00what other battle
22:01RFK Jr. was fighting
22:02right before
22:03Judge Murphy
22:04handed down
22:04this week's decision?
22:06Was he wrestling a shark?
22:07He very well
22:08could have been
22:08wrestling a shark.
22:10Here's a video
22:11the secretary posted
22:12last weekend.
22:13And here we go.
22:14The crowd is on their feet.
22:16What an entrance.
22:17Muscle takes on the stack.
22:19What power.
22:20A huge surprise.
22:22What a slam.
22:23This is incredible.
22:24That's got to be AI.
22:26I'm okay with him
22:26fighting Twinkies.
22:29Twinkies don't mold.
22:32That's not normal.
22:33Some of my best friends
22:34are Twinkies.
22:37Let's see your offender.
22:39Oh, these guys.
22:41Oh, yeah.
22:42They're the children
22:43of the corn.
22:45Is the corn
22:46Elon Musk?
22:48Yes.
22:48Yes, these two
22:49are Justin Fox
22:50and Nate Kavanaugh.
22:52Who did they offend?
22:54They offended
22:55you and I,
22:56my darling.
22:57Keep going, why?
22:58They dismantled
22:59DEI
23:00and they were
23:02talking about
23:03what qualifies
23:05as DEI.
23:06And their answers
23:09were basically
23:10anything that has
23:12anything to do
23:13with anyone
23:14who is not white.
23:15Any fucking thing.
23:17It was, it was,
23:18it was a bit of a
23:20master class.
23:21Sorry, master race class.
23:24Points.
23:26Yes, Justin and Nate
23:27offended former
23:28government employees
23:29by working for Doge
23:31and getting a lot
23:32of people fired.
23:33Now, Doge is back
23:34in the news
23:35thanks to this.
23:36Former employees
23:37of Elon Musk's
23:38Department of Government
23:39and efficiency
23:39in the hot seat tonight.
23:41Deposition videos
23:42from January
23:43tied to a civil lawsuit
23:44going viral online.
23:46Former Doge staffer
23:48Nathan Kavanaugh there
23:49looked like he just
23:49got his first couple
23:50pubic hairs.
23:53It's always a special day.
23:55You remember that
23:55first two, three pubic hairs?
23:57Still waiting.
24:00This is the guy
24:01who weighed in
24:02on how the government
24:03was spending his money.
24:04He was a staffer at Doge.
24:05How did Nathan decide
24:07what was and wasn't DEI?
24:10He played roulette
24:11in whatever came up black.
24:13Nathan said he made
24:14personal judgment calls
24:16on what was and wasn't DEI
24:18and lawyers then asked him
24:20if that even made sense.
24:22Do you think it's
24:23inappropriate in any way
24:24that someone in their 20s
24:27with no experience
24:28with grants
24:29for federal government
24:30was making personal judgment
24:32calls about
24:32what grants to cancel?
24:34No, I don't think
24:36it's inappropriate.
24:39Why not?
24:40I think a person
24:44can have enough judgment
24:45from reading books.
24:47What books would you have read
24:48that would have informed
24:49your opinion on what grants
24:50to cancel based on DEI?
24:51There were no books.
24:57But I know what DEI is.
24:59I am aware.
25:00I understand how to detect DEI.
25:02I watched two episodes
25:03of Martin and two episodes
25:04of Frasier.
25:06Frasier.
25:06Why Frasier?
25:08That's like the whitish...
25:10You gotta have a control.
25:13You watch Frasier
25:14to understand the whiteness
25:15and then you move over
25:16to Martin.
25:17You go, hey.
25:18It turns out, though,
25:19they weren't using books
25:20to inform their cuts
25:21over at Doge.
25:22What did they base
25:24their cuts on?
25:25I feel like they used
25:26ChatGPT.
25:27Oh, no.
25:30Survey says...
25:32Fox said he used
25:33ChatGPT to help identify
25:35and eliminate DEI programs.
25:37I don't like the word
25:38eliminate there.
25:39This meant, for example,
25:40that Doge canceled a grant
25:42for a museum's new HVAC system
25:44because ChatGPT
25:45mistakenly flagged it
25:47as DEI.
25:49Panel, do you think
25:51Kavanaugh regrets
25:52that people lost their jobs
25:54because of him?
25:55No.
25:55I think he regrets
25:57not having a top
25:59or bottom lip.
26:02No.
26:03He does not regret it.
26:04Check it out.
26:05You don't regret
26:05that people might have
26:06lost important income
26:08to support their lives?
26:12No.
26:12I think it was more important
26:13to reduce the federal deficit
26:15from $2 trillion
26:16to close to zero.
26:17Did you reduce
26:18the federal deficit?
26:20No, we didn't.
26:21Where's Rand Paul's neighbor
26:22when you need him?
26:24But despite not
26:26accomplishing anything,
26:27Nathan still has fans.
26:29Question.
26:30Who's still a fan
26:31of old Nate Dogg
26:32out there in the world?
26:33Uh, Jake Paul.
26:35Powerboys.
26:36Kid Rock.
26:37Nick Fuentes.
26:39Frasier from Frasier.
26:41Don't put this
26:42on Kelsey Grammar.
26:43Don't you do that
26:44to Kelsey Grammar.
26:45Boy, you better
26:45Google Kelsey Grammar.
26:49Google it.
26:50No.
26:50Yes.
26:51Yeah.
26:51The dog is, too.
26:53That's the crazy one.
26:56It is Elon Musk
26:57who's still a fan
26:58of Nate Kavanaugh.
26:59Elon posted a clip
27:00of Nathan
27:01and said it was,
27:01quote,
27:03legendarily based.
27:05First off,
27:06don't talk like that,
27:07Elon.
27:08Elon Musk makes me
27:09wish Mandela
27:10was meaner to the whites
27:11when he got out of prison.
27:13He was all like,
27:15truth and reconciliation.
27:16Truth and reconciliation.
27:18This is what happened.
27:20That was a friend of me,
27:21though.
27:34Welcome back.
27:35It is time
27:36for Missing Words.
27:39Here's your headline.
27:41This innovative
27:42Chinese robot
27:43can make you
27:44a blank.
27:45A star.
27:48Can make you
27:49a delicious breakfast,
27:51but then 10 minutes later
27:52you're hungry again.
27:53Oh.
27:54It rhymes with star, Amber.
27:56I'll give you that.
27:57It can make you a car.
27:59It can make you go far.
28:01It can open your jar.
28:03This innovative
28:04Chinese robot
28:05can make you
28:05a centaur.
28:07I'm sorry, what?
28:08Yes, a centaur.
28:10Don't act like
28:10y'all don't know
28:11about the horse.
28:11Change the bottom
28:12of my body
28:13to a horse body?
28:14The centaur.
28:15You know,
28:15you got the horse,
28:16you got the horse booty.
28:17You got the four legs.
28:18That's what I'm saying.
28:19Yeah.
28:19I'm me.
28:21The bottom is pony.
28:22Okay, yeah.
28:23I thought you just
28:24made the two-legged centaur.
28:25Oh, no, no, no, no.
28:27That would be ridiculous.
28:32In a new paper
28:33published by
28:34the International Journal
28:35of Robotics Research,
28:36a team of Chinese engineers
28:37say that their proposed
28:39human centaur system
28:40helps with weight distribution
28:42for people
28:42who have to carry heavy things.
28:44And let's just see it
28:45in action first.
28:52Do you need to get,
28:53like, a special
28:56centaur lock
28:56for when you park it outside?
28:58You know,
28:58and you don't want
28:59your centaur to get stolen?
29:01Yeah.
29:02First off,
29:03you're not going to
29:03take your centaur
29:04and lock it up outside.
29:06You're going to take
29:06that centaur inside
29:08because this thing
29:10takes the stairs.
29:12Oh!
29:18That's going to get you killed.
29:22Does anyone know
29:23why a San Jose robot
29:24made headlines this week?
29:26I think one of those
29:27Waymo delivery cubes
29:30ran over a duck.
29:34Okay.
29:35The robot in San Jose
29:36made headlines
29:37because he wouldn't
29:38stop dancing
29:39while he trashed
29:40a restaurant.
29:42The staff
29:43tried their best
29:44to get the employee
29:45under control.
29:58The last time
29:59I did that
30:00I kept saying
30:00I'm good.
30:01I'm good.
30:03Here's your headline.
30:04Judge dismisses
30:05lawsuit from diner
30:06who claimed
30:07blank.
30:08Who claimed
30:09that that hair
30:10was yours.
30:14Judge dismisses
30:15lawsuit from diner
30:16who claimed
30:17taco shop salsa
30:18was too spicy.
30:19Oh.
30:21Ah, yes.
30:22Not everybody's
30:23built to live mass.
30:26Is there any indication
30:27if the person
30:28who did the suing
30:29was white?
30:31Do I recall
30:32that that person
30:32was from like
30:33Switzerland
30:33or something like that?
30:34Germany.
30:35Yes.
30:36After trying
30:37the green salsa
30:38at Los Tacos
30:38No. 1
30:39a Times Square
30:39taco spot
30:40in 2024
30:41German tourists
30:43said he suffered
30:44quote
30:44severe physical
30:46symptoms.
30:47Here's the story.
30:49According to the complaint
30:50Faisal Mons
30:51said his tongue
30:52burned
30:52and his blood
30:53pressure soared
30:54after eating
30:55the green salsa.
30:56The judge though
30:57dismissed the claim
30:59saying Mons
30:59never inquired
31:01about the salsa
31:02before eating it.
31:03The restaurant
31:03argued
31:04salsa
31:05is often spicy.
31:08We've been tourists
31:10in other countries
31:10and you be watching
31:11other people
31:11how they do
31:12their shit
31:12but okay
31:12it's Germany
31:14it's not Mars.
31:16After the tourist
31:17told a reporter
31:18to try the dangerous
31:19salsa for himself
31:20the reporter found
31:22quote
31:22the salsa was just
31:24wasn't that spicy.
31:28Yes.
31:29Probably a Latino reporter
31:30Denise Havagnero.
31:33The salsa suit
31:34was one of three
31:36separate lawsuits
31:38the man filed
31:39against New York
31:39area businesses
31:40after his six day
31:42visit.
31:43Mr. Mons
31:44also sued
31:44a New Jersey
31:45Walmart for
31:46discrimination.
31:47Who's the third
31:47group that he sued?
31:49Black people.
31:51This is an official
31:53organization
31:53that has a defined
31:54NAACP.
31:58FDNY.
31:59He also sued
32:00the NYPD.
32:02Mr. Mons
32:03sued the NYPD
32:04for $10 million
32:05after he says
32:06he tried to report
32:07a crime
32:07and police
32:08failed to respond
32:09to his 911 call
32:11in a timely manner.
32:13Was the crime
32:14that the salsa
32:14was too spicy?
32:16I've never been
32:18pro-police brutality
32:19until this story.
32:22That's missing words.
32:23More after the break.
32:35Welcome back.
32:36It's time for
32:38Meet in the Middle
32:38where we find
32:39common ground
32:40between two
32:41different people.
32:42All right.
32:43On one side
32:44we have John Fetterman,
32:45Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
32:46Mark Levin,
32:47and Hugh Hefner.
32:49And on the other side
32:50there's Katie Britt,
32:51Nellie,
32:52Secretary of Veteran
32:53Affairs,
32:53Doug Collins,
32:54and Winnie the Pooh.
32:56First up,
32:57we've got
32:57Insane Brown Posse.
32:59Which two of these
33:00people worked
33:01for UPS?
33:02Team Michael.
33:02So,
33:03John Fetterman.
33:04He still looks like
33:05he works for UPS.
33:06Definitely John Fetterman.
33:08And...
33:09Katie Britt?
33:10Yep.
33:11Okay.
33:11We're gonna go
33:11Fetterman and Katie Britt.
33:12Okay.
33:13Fetterman's big enough
33:14to carry
33:15multiple packages.
33:16He's like
33:17Frankenstein.
33:18He could do it.
33:20Yep.
33:21John Fetterman
33:21and Nellie
33:22both worked
33:22for UPS.
33:26John Fetterman
33:27posted this
33:27throwback pic
33:28of him driving
33:29a UPS truck
33:30back in the day.
33:31Oh my God.
33:32What happened?
33:35Why is his body
33:37so big
33:37and his head
33:38is so small?
33:40So,
33:41Fetterman
33:41worked for UPS
33:42as did Nellie.
33:44My first job
33:45that actually
33:46paid better
33:47was UPS
33:48and that's the one
33:49I like to say
33:49I took pride in
33:50because,
33:51you know,
33:51that was like
33:52nine bucks an hour.
33:53I thought I was the man.
33:54Yeah.
33:54That's a lot.
33:57All right.
33:58Let's do
33:58We're Here,
33:59We're Cheer,
34:00Get Used To It.
34:02Which two of these people
34:03were high school
34:04cheerleaders,
34:05Team Amber?
34:06Well,
34:07Hefner probably was.
34:08It's possible.
34:09And I would say
34:11Girl Lady.
34:12Yeah.
34:13Yeah.
34:14I agree with that.
34:14I want to say
34:15Doug Collins.
34:16Great.
34:16Doug Collins on the right.
34:17And I like the idea
34:18of Mark Levin
34:19in a little skirt
34:21so much
34:22that I want to go
34:23with Mark Levin.
34:23I don't need to know that.
34:26Ruth Bader Ginsburg
34:27and Katie Britt
34:28were high school
34:30cheerleaders.
34:31RPG?
34:32And,
34:32according to her yearbook
34:33from James Madison High School
34:34in Brooklyn,
34:36Justice Ginsburg
34:37was a member
34:38of the Twirlers.
34:40Oh.
34:41Yeah,
34:41she was in the Twirlers
34:42for just a little
34:44too long
34:44and people were like,
34:45shouldn't you
34:45stop twirling?
34:46And she was like,
34:47nah,
34:48I'm going to keep twirling.
34:49But yeah,
34:49if you quit twirling now
34:51before you die,
34:52then we could get
34:52some new younger
34:53Twirlers in.
34:57Next up,
34:58we've got
34:58Holy Scrap.
34:59Which two of these people
35:01were really,
35:02really into scrapbooking?
35:04I would say
35:04Squinty Guy.
35:06Okay.
35:07Glasses.
35:07Glasses left.
35:08And
35:09Glasses right.
35:11For some reason,
35:12I know that Hugh Hefner
35:14in his later years
35:15was big
35:17into scrapbooking.
35:18That was a thing
35:19that he would do
35:19with his many wives.
35:21Oh.
35:21So Doug Collins
35:22and Hugh Hefner.
35:23Hugh Hefner
35:23and Secretary of Veteran Affairs
35:25Doug Collins
35:26were both
35:28into scrapbooking.
35:29Before Collins
35:29was elected
35:30to Congress
35:30in 2012,
35:31he actually
35:32owned
35:32a scrapbooking company.
35:35And Hugh Hefner
35:36was really
35:37into scrapbooking,
35:38Michael.
35:38Here's a picture of Hefn
35:40with the scrapbooks.
35:41Oh.
35:42There is some
35:43blackmail fodder there.
35:45Yeah, you know
35:45them pages stuck together
35:46though.
35:46They can't get to blackmail.
35:50Hef had around
35:513,000 scrapbooks.
35:54But shockingly,
35:55that wasn't even
35:55his worst advice.
35:56Question.
35:57What addiction
35:58did Hugh Hefner
36:00share with rapper
36:01Fat Joe?
36:02Uh, Viagra.
36:04Metamucil?
36:05Hugh Hefner
36:06and Fat Joe
36:07were both
36:07addicted to
36:08Diet Pepsi.
36:10At his peak,
36:12Hugh Hefner
36:12was drinking
36:13up to
36:1330
36:14Diet Pepsis
36:16a day.
36:1830!
36:18And not only
36:19was Hugh Hefner
36:20drinking up to
36:2130 a day,
36:21so was Fat Joe.
36:23I got a problem.
36:2530, 40 a day.
36:27Let me tell you something.
36:28If I went to the doctor,
36:29God forbid,
36:30and they told me,
36:31yo, you have a problem
36:32due to Diet Pepsi,
36:33I got to take
36:34the shit on the chip.
36:35I got to just be like,
36:37I knew I was just
36:38doing too much
36:39with them Diet Pepsi.
36:44I feel like
36:45if your worst vices
36:46are Diet Pepsi
36:47and scrapbooking,
36:49your life is a little
36:50more boring
36:50than I thought
36:51Hugh Hefner's life was.
36:53We didn't get
36:54to Mark Levin
36:55and Winnie the Pooh,
36:56but between the rumors
36:57about Levin
36:58and Pooh's friendship
36:58with Piglet,
36:59both of them
37:00are associated
37:01with a tiny hog.
37:02More after the break.
37:11Welcome back.
37:13It's time for
37:14Which Is Higher?
37:15I'll give you
37:15two unrelated numbers
37:17from the news.
37:18You tell me,
37:19which is higher?
37:20Now, St. Patrick's Day
37:22was this week,
37:23so it's the perfect time
37:25if you're at the house,
37:26kick back,
37:27and re-watch the entire
37:29Leprechaun movie franchise.
37:31Oh.
37:32I rocked with
37:33Warwick Davis
37:33and the Leprechauns,
37:34which brings us
37:35to the question,
37:36which is higher?
37:37The number of films
37:39where Warwick Davis
37:40played the title role
37:41in the Leprechaun movie
37:43franchise,
37:43or the total number
37:45of Mission Impossible movies?
37:48I think it's Tom Cruise.
37:49I think it's Tom Cruise,
37:50and I've always thought that.
37:52Okay.
37:53So you think
37:53there's more
37:54Mission Impossible movies
37:55than Leprechaun movies
37:56with Warwick Davis?
37:57That's right.
37:58Okay.
37:58Team Michael.
37:59I feel like
37:59this is a trick question.
38:00I feel like obviously
38:01there's more
38:02Mission Impossible movies,
38:03which makes me think
38:04it's actually the Leprechaun.
38:05How many Mission Impossibles
38:06do you see?
38:07Like six?
38:08Seven?
38:08There's at least eight,
38:09if not 20.
38:10I didn't know.
38:12The number of films
38:13where Warwick Davis
38:14plays the title role
38:15in the Leprechaun movie
38:16franchise is six.
38:18Ooh.
38:18And the total number
38:19of Mission Impossible movies
38:20is eight.
38:22Ah.
38:22So the number
38:23of Mission Impossible movies
38:24is indeed higher.
38:27Now, if you don't know
38:27the Leprechaun movie franchise,
38:29I know there's some young'uns
38:30in here,
38:30you watch all this new stuff
38:31on TikTok.
38:32Leprechaun is a beautiful
38:33franchise about a little
38:34evil green dude
38:35and he run around
38:36and all he want
38:37is his gold.
38:41Question.
38:42Which of these
38:43is a real
38:45Leprechaun movie title?
38:47Is it Leprechaun
38:48over the rainbow,
38:49Leprechaun versus Gnome,
38:50or Leprechaun in the hood?
38:52Team Michael.
38:53It's got to be
38:54Leprechaun in the hood,
38:55right?
38:55I want it to be
38:56Leprechaun in the hood.
38:56Someone would make that?
38:57Yes!
38:57They would make that.
38:58I had a long night
39:00and I didn't know
39:00what else to watch.
39:02And the answer
39:04is Leprechaun in the hood.
39:06Wow.
39:08Yes, the real movie
39:09is Leprechaun in the hood.
39:12Question.
39:13In Leprechaun in the hood,
39:14this is just for you,
39:15all right?
39:16Nobody...
39:18In Leprechaun in the hood,
39:20does the Leprechaun rap?
39:22I want the answer
39:24to be yes.
39:24I'm going to say yes.
39:26Yes.
39:26Damn right he does.
39:29Will you show us
39:31the rap?
39:31Okay, okay, okay.
39:31Can we watch the rap?
39:32It's fine that he
39:34raps in the movie, okay?
39:35But we aren't going
39:36to be showing that.
39:37All right?
39:39All right?
39:39We don't want...
39:40No one wants to see it.
39:41Let's just skip
39:42to flip your fucking card over
39:44and read the next thing.
39:46I can't live like this.
39:47Leprechaun raping.
39:49From the Emerald Isle
39:50to your place in the hood.
39:51I'm the man of freedom
39:52come to do no good.
39:53Lep in the hood
39:54come to do no good.
39:55Lep in the hood?
39:57Wow.
39:59I don't like this job
40:01or the people here.
40:05That was Witch's Hire.
40:11Time for a game
40:12called Who's That Baby?
40:15All right,
40:16let's see that baby.
40:17Oh, the baby.
40:19First clue,
40:20they are not eligible
40:21to run for president.
40:22They played a kindergarten
40:23teacher in a movie.
40:25And they are probably
40:26the only California governor
40:27who can bitch-press
40:28500 pounds.
40:29Wow.
40:30Gavin Newsom.
40:33It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
40:35Yes, it is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
40:38And you can...
40:38Oh.
40:39Same expression.
40:40Ran out of muscle milk.
40:41Nowadays,
40:42every celebrity
40:42is selling something.
40:44They always have commercials
40:45and they're influencing us
40:46and doing endorsements.
40:48Oh, Arnold had a commercial
40:49over there,
40:49out there in Japan.
40:50I'm going to show you
40:51a few seconds
40:52of an Arnold Schwarzenegger
40:54commercial.
40:55Yeah.
40:55And I want you all
40:56to tell me what product
40:57you think it's selling.
41:04What is that ad selling?
41:07Deodorant.
41:08The pants.
41:09Ooh.
41:11Here's what the Arnold Schwarzenegger
41:12commercial was selling.
41:22The yen was strong.
41:25That was Who's That Baby?
41:27I want to thank our guests,
41:28Harry Condobolo
41:29and Ari Shapiro.
41:32And of course,
41:33thank you to our team,
41:34Captains Amber Ruffin
41:35and Michael Ian Black.
41:37Here are a few more stories
41:39we're watching.
41:40Man spoils the end
41:42of Conclave.
41:45VP dazzles crowd
41:46with an invisible bass solo.
41:50I'm Roy Wood Jr.
41:51and I'll see you next week
41:52for another episode
41:52of Have I Got News For You.
41:54And I'm available
41:55to be the new Bachelorette
41:58tonight.
Comments