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00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:37endy line?
01:38Lonnie.
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good, it's all good, it's just about a bit of a schedule.
01:49Yeah, that's why I was thinking quick reset back to once I made it this time. How are you blowing
01:53this audition?
01:54I know the speech. I know it. Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment
02:02What is this a prank show wearing a hidden camera? It's funny. No, I am. I just have a very
02:06particular process
02:07I've got my head around it now. I'm ready. Sorry guys. Yeah, well just a minute. Sorry. How was your
02:12weekend?
02:12That's good. Thanks. How's yours? Great. Yeah, what did you do? Just nothing. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Jim.
02:18Stop it. Sorry. You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you. I had to convince them. So this is on me. I've got a confession
02:27to make
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting. It's the holy
02:33Muslim month
02:34It's called Ramadan
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day. I'm lightheaded from a bit of a cultural understanding
02:42Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice six takes in a row. I tried
02:48Just don't shame you didn't
02:51Thanks so much for coming in Sharon. We'll be in touch
03:01You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work fighting everybody and being nobody
03:12I don't live with myself. I live with whoever you need me to be
03:18The blood of my hands is mine
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day if I don't know who I am
03:26Because you don't want to
03:31You knew it
03:32You knew it
03:34What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are
03:41You're a fucking failure who just shat on your last chance of being somebody
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself
03:49You are ashamed of yourself
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family
03:52You're fucking nobody
03:53You're nothing
03:53You're just a fucking
03:55Dumb
03:55Fucking
03:56Thank you
04:05Um
04:07Come in
04:11I uh
04:13Forgot to grab your mic
04:16Sure
04:26Uh
04:27Uh
04:27Uh
04:57And just so you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you on the side.
05:02Oh, okay, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned, and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:15Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31All right.
06:16Hey, dude. I know you. Mate. I'm a huge fan.
06:21Sit, you're talented.
06:22No, no, I'm not.
06:23Yes, you are. You're an exceptional actor, and I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, mate.
06:27Listen, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather? She's, like, obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Really?
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Mate, check it out. Walking down the street, guess who I've been to?
06:35Dev fucking Patel.
06:37What?
06:37Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved. I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Dev Patel.
06:58What?
06:59He's not Dev Patel.
07:01Look how short he is.
07:03Dev is tall, strong, handsome.
07:06Our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Lateef.
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's?
07:13Shah's a... Shah's a...
07:14Shah Lateef, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, Shah.
07:27Assalamualaikum, Mr. Lateef, Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing. Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42I don't like it, but it's a lot of sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bath?
07:47Of course I like that.
07:47You like sphincter, you just came to me like that.
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52I wish my apology, please.
07:53Get your ass off my shoulder.
07:54No, you fucking love it.
07:55Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I didn't look. I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, but basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying like that. It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:23It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need it for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27All right.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:37Hmm.
08:38What?
08:38Say mashallah.
08:40Oh, mashallah.
08:40But if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro?
08:46Uber in London is already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55Yeah?
08:55And if you're strapped for Pesa right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:58I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00Is it?
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:01There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03What you got cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:06You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did.
09:08Non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:11You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You missed the timing for mine.
09:13Yeah, no, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy above us.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:16No.
09:17What do you mean no?
09:18What?
09:18I mean no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mummy in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in the mood.
09:25Yeah?
09:25Can you turn it around?
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes being here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:00Okay, just one minute.
10:25Bye, bye.
10:26See who is here.
10:28See who is here.
10:28Who knows?
10:29NDA, Nishiyah.
10:31Huzoor, I.
10:32No, no, no.
10:32I'll die.
10:33I'll come in a minute.
10:34You've been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37A couple of weeks.
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job, like audition thing.
10:41You're dying for not keeping your nose here.
10:43Oh, you're dying for not keeping your nose here.
10:44Oh, you're dying for not keeping your nose here.
10:46You should fast all year.
10:48You know what's going on?
10:50My mind is coming so many days.
10:52He bought a car, bought a house, bought a car in Dubai.
10:56My mother bought a Botox.
10:58I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02No, I'm sorry.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I haven't seen Google Alerts yet, right?
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't know.
11:13I'm sorry.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Prayer for you, Subhash Amir.
11:27Prayer for you all the time.
11:28Prayer.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just a prayer.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from?
11:35I don't see TV.
11:37I don't see.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but I don't have time for you.
11:42I don't have time for you.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46He had been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:47Listen, I don't have time for you.
11:50Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56They're going to take a lot of money.
11:59Oi, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're beginning to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Bra!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:16Manager was a dickhead.
12:17Hey, as an evil did,
12:18do you think my brother charged me?
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience,
12:21I could sort you from Felicia, I told you.
12:22No, no, no, listen.
12:23If you really want to help me,
12:24take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:25Shad you, Kado?
12:26You know, DJ, is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counteroffer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:38Oh, my God.
12:41You're going to be the next James Bond.
12:44What?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut.
12:48It might be cut.
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:49Bond or not, Bond?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no, it's legit.
12:52It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC.
12:59We contract him.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's going on?
13:01Bro, why didn't you tell me?
13:02You're speaking for this.
13:03It's just an audition.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09What's going on, Shahjoo?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13Stop, stop, stop.
13:15Stop, stop, stop.
13:15I'm the haramzata.
13:16Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19What do you do?
13:22What do you do?
13:23I'm the haramzata.
13:24No, I'm the haramzata.
13:25I'm the haramzata.
13:25No, I'm the haramzata.
13:27Listen, Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You know, around James Bond.
13:33I should be proud.
13:34You know, this guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine, imagine it.
13:38Daniel Kree got picked 20 M's for the last million.
13:41My Shahjoo will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Hello?
13:48What's wrong?
13:49Could you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:54I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Yo, yo, look at me.
14:03I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond.
14:07Come on, my guy.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:12They're going to give you special shoes.
14:14Like James Bond's a big honey.
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:26I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fuck me.
14:53You're welcome.
15:04yeah yeah yeah where you been painting my nails on a fucking sunbed what the fuck you think
15:10listen did you call the pap i'm not that clever what were they saying they pissed well they are
15:17very surprised about how much you're trending and because of the reaction they might give you a
15:24second chance to audition yes oh you plus the female director is doing very well for the 18 to
15:3134s and you know that demographic gets them all wet oh my god so listen sit tight and let this
15:36play out
15:36oh my god thank you that is amazing that's really really cool thank you god bless the internet
15:44yeah so just one thing we can't just see how this plays out we've got to do everything we can
15:50to get me back in there sure i just told you it's good you're trending look and i'm just thinking
15:56maybe i should delete all the old music but they're just the really political bits what do you think
16:00as your agent let me deal with that stuff you just need to act listen there's videos of me online
16:07fucking pissing on a british flag it's already out there all you can do is own it that makes you
16:13the
16:13edgy poc candidate yes fresh blood so new fans for the great old institution listen don't find a thing
16:18that got you here you know huh okay okay so so what are you saying maybe i should lean into
16:23it or or
16:24because because taze and them lot are doing a show tonight i could maybe do a little thing there
16:29there's nothing to lean into you just are listen just don't do anything and stay home yeah yeah done
17:02there's nothing to do
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing you know everywhere today
17:24pretty cool isn't it
17:42look who's back on the street bruh bruh bruh bruh brickshaw what's up bro this blew up huh
17:49yeah it's working you killed it man what are you saying amy yes what are you doing here man are
17:55you
17:55meant to be protecting coffin city right now what no i said not gotham oh don't you know
17:59turn to the new batman it's not fair man it's james bond hey bruv easy with the hollywood pigman
18:04shit but this is just an audition let's see you know what we need to pick up what i got
18:10safe man all right it's good to see you i'm just thinking what forget it forget it it's cool man
18:15no no i'm just go on i just had a mad thought like wouldn't it be sick if i um
18:20i warmed up for you
18:22god tonight because i think the crowd would love it be like a reunion be like old times bro and
18:27like
18:28how dare you bro you know nothing you just you come back you act like you fucking own this place
18:32walking through here all like look at me look at me brother i didn't i didn't mean it like that
18:37i
18:40didn't mean
18:42you're a dickhead you're a dickhead i can't knock the hustle man yo uh maybe uh yeah i was thinking
18:48maybe i could come through the crowd like um you know like the old days well i'll meet you on
18:52stage
18:52with a mic okay man uh there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now
18:56just don't
18:57pay attention to it right it's all bulls**t london are you ready for a tape
19:03let's do it
19:34Yes, yes, not done.
19:35In the building, MC Renshaw.
20:06Give us a gift.
20:08Give us a gift.
20:09Give us a gift, my Lord.
20:10We are going on the right path.
20:13We forgive everyone, my Lord.
20:19Yes, this is a gift.
20:21God bless you.
20:22God bless you.
20:37God bless you.
20:45Ars.
20:46Sunami.
20:47Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:50Yeah.
20:51007.
21:06Shah Latif.
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart.
21:10With me, Sir Patrick Stewart.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast.
21:18Plus, few who've had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two.
21:26Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:41How are you?
21:42Nigel Murray.
21:43How are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right.
21:49Yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, we do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:03So, the house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:13Sixty friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:26Your guests are for Idelfette, I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:30Yeah, just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:31Yeah, come on.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role.
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:56Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got in here.
23:02No, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted in.
23:03Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:07It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs.
23:10Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Nufwesnani.
23:13And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29What are you talking about, man?
23:39Bro.
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz...
23:42I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom-pom out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What do you want to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:53Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate with jahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
23:59ISIS.
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They're only PhDs, do they?
24:09They're hard as fuck and they're committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me, for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection,
24:19I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, ain't it?
24:23Tiny lulli, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abbas.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Do it in my bathroom every day.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Connery to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Shah, brother.
24:48Shah, you better be a Janu and help me take this to the car.
24:51I...
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Reid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58What are you doing?
25:01What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:06Already bringing her kundi swelling.
25:08Kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10What are you doing?
25:12What are you doing?
25:12Naila!
25:13Hey!
25:14It's been two days.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17No, no, no.
25:17You've done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and Eid more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daila.
25:23I was telling Shahju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop!
25:35Can you stop, please, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40This is your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is free Mace and nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48The house is not prepared.
25:49Nothing is prepared.
25:50The house won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please.
25:52Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:03My guy.
26:04He knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just wanna say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about
26:11moving your Eid celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Benchuk.
26:14Stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16Who is this?
26:16I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23This war camera is very clear.
26:26The hero has a lot of pain.
26:28Naila, we'll come with you.
26:30But it is.
26:31But it is.
26:32But it is.
26:32If you've come with me,
26:33you'll come with me.
26:35What?
26:38Mommy.
26:39No.
26:39I didn't...
26:40Mommy!
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he seems nice.
26:50Well, he's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:52But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you.
26:58As you quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment.
27:03You know, in consideration of future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh!
27:11Well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:16Oh!
27:17So, did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What are you doing?
27:22You asked me to do security now.
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah.
27:26So, well, we need it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no.
27:29Absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way.
27:32Those stolen dash cams.
27:33The battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, mate.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own, or...?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:01That's it.
28:04You got any shoes on trainers?
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:09Go on, get ready, you fucker.
28:16Come on, get ready.
28:21Come on, get ready.
28:25Get ready!
28:28Get ready!
28:30Get ready!
28:31Get ready!
28:31Get ready!
28:32Get ready, get ready!
28:32Go on, get ready!
28:32Wait, that is a proper gofuck out there.
28:34It's a good hope I came to babysit you.
28:36Ahh, bro,
28:36you might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts of minds, yeah?
28:41What, in the middle of a culture board,
28:42that's the real battleground?
28:43Big Man, how you gonna fucking battle them
28:45with your horny makeup face what you know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet
28:49it looks like you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you
28:52no i'm not don't put that in my head right now you're gonna put me off okay for confirmation
28:56what is that yeah what man i look good there you look like you're making a pervy version of
29:00fucking planet earth all right let me just see something raj taka motherfucker is all right
29:06all right don't jizz on my level seats you can't afford the cleaning fee okay listen let's just
29:10go there and smash it all right but we are already fucking smashing it okay we are arriving in the
29:14muba prime experience look at this alal harry bowels custom specifically branded zamzam water
29:19you a little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast and
29:23furious
29:24but without the four skins you understand come on let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes okay
29:31yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee it
29:46there's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati playing pond
29:53proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission how so well it's why i want the role
29:59it's why i'm here speaking to you is that why you wanted to make a speech at the king's museum
30:04gala
30:04exactly to show people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this too is
30:11what british
30:12looks like
30:16hey yo listen i support the team i support the team but when you finish tonight
30:20please get home with mobile okay that's for you sorry there's no service in your area i'm turkish
30:26you're turkish then there's service in your area thank you excuse me sister
30:31yo mc rickshaw mate can i get a pick you want a pick i'll kill you next week
30:38hey yo guys guys come and get a picture with your one and only fan come on
30:42oi bro you're ignoring me bro we gotta go man why are you going in there
30:48man sold out you should be out here with us
30:51hey yo yo yo let's wear the photo with you what's the problem bro if i get a photo to
30:54take with them
30:55look it's not it's not the right image i'm going for right now all right the real change happens
30:59in there we gotta get in there listen i know you think you're his majesty's secret service or
31:05something yeah but don't go full coconut oh yeah then don't go into father on me then
31:10you want to respect my guy keep it real yeah okay why don't you respect this watch and learn
31:17you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing the face all right let me show you
31:23it's not you know what that is you look like a pedophile journal bro there's cameras why would you
31:28think pedophile because they don't have sound it's fault it's still a tea hi so happy really i'm so
31:32glad to be here thank you this is my associate magra much can learn um can i ask um who
31:38i might
31:38speak to about my speech this evening oh we don't have you done us doing a speech oh i think
31:43it's because
31:43i'm a last a last minute addition so well give you a new house i suppose yeah she's our new
31:49director
31:49okay oh i i'm i'm guessing i have a plus one uh mr sufaka early ceo of remove enterprises i
31:57just think
31:58it should be like an official record i'm here tonight so thank you
32:02cuz where the fuck have you bought us man this looks like the jaws bull sack
32:07you're from humble beginnings like me so how's your family dealing with all this the same way we deal
32:13with everything there's a team together i'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs
32:20bro this is mad yeah i told you bro i'll go stuff cooking oh assalamualaikum sorry
32:28all right you gotta find this vivian yeah yeah no point me being here if i can't get on stage
32:34there she's museum director yeah my god the fuck are you bro some ego bro look at this one all
32:41listen uh i'm gonna go work on you should we take team her what not like that i mean we're
32:46like
32:46convinced her together like good paki bad paki what would that be like oh like good cop bad cop i've
32:53got
32:53paki's i got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah yeah in a bit i'll be here
33:01singh let me tell you about this
33:11i'm vivian charlatif oh yes of course mr latif i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment oh
33:17absolutely although anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently
33:21what can i do for you mr i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for you
33:25there's nobody like muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time but we are on
33:29time
33:29for prayers five times a day if you call me zufi can you get me to where i need to
33:33go i'll get you
33:34there this museum means a great deal to me and i saw you had a number of protesters outside yes
33:39and
33:39it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture
33:45in fact we invite this kind of dialogue is it a dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador of
33:49source to help bridge the divide between those on the inside and those out there who's your name
33:54ali razza ali razza i'm feeling the iran yes yeah a bit of farsi my guy come on so we
33:59could be in that
34:00region i for one would be honored to get up there and say a few words about may i about
34:05how um global
34:06britain truly is both in its artifacts and its people well you know i'm an eighth indian i did not
34:11what wow what about yourself where are you from london you're from london you sound with originally
34:18from london but i understand your latest acquisition is is from a muslim country yes but treasures like
34:23the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to islam they belong to us all so i can go up
34:28and
34:28say a few words i'll be very brief no miss latif that's simply not how we do things around here
34:33this
34:34isn't a pop-up banksy exhibit besides we already have our dear friend raj takar giving a speech enjoy your
34:47evening and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat you didn't think this was going to be
34:53all softballs did you raj takar your rival i wouldn't call him come on come on you can be honest
35:01i can't
35:02be in the same room as ian magneto mckellen oh sorry sir ian magneto mckellen i just think
35:09that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top oh please a day ago you were the
35:14only brown
35:15bloke up for the job and now there are two and word on the web is he'd make a better
35:20bond yeah well i
35:21don't really pay attention to what people say about me it's just not in my nature you should old chap
35:26he's a bigger name with a bigger fan base and i dare say he's thought of as a better actor
35:32that's
35:33subjective cut the camel shit latif you couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak
35:40how do you expect to convince the world that you can be bond you don't stand a chance in a
35:46horse pajamas
35:47do you you you pussy hole he needs to go on a dish you push can't
35:55no use being angry with me you only have yourself to blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
36:07here he is hey hey i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute bro yeah when was
36:13the last time i
36:13saw you um mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so good in that
36:19thank
36:19you do you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree this white woman
36:24eats a mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy and they
36:29have
36:29this relationship over space and time it's about her loves timeless and crosses all sorts of
36:35boundaries i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you from yeah yeah thanks
36:40a lot um you look incredible by the way and very very small getting photographed in the tugs and
36:45holding that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions
36:51um just the one thing's got people going mental hasn't it yeah people are passionate man it's just um
36:58that the hate though i hate is it's a it's a lot right i know you're probably probably getting a
37:03lot of that too not really nothing to cry about just gotta stay grateful people are busting their
37:10asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the dream yeah yeah we
37:15are yeah
37:15hate's a small price to pay yes it's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house
37:21so are you serious yeah you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show them that no
37:28amount
37:28of hate is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from all around
37:33the world and this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right yeah preach
37:37i just want to make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like i love the
37:44passion
37:44man i'm so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and i was thinking maybe we
37:48could tag team it yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something important to say i want to
37:53be a part of that yeah i'll tell you what why don't i go up first and then i'll bring
37:57you up i would
37:58love that thank you my brother i love that man of course i really appreciate it there you are hey
38:03i know
38:04you oh this is my security guy the mooba guy yeah i overheard you chatting about it earlier i love
38:08the
38:08concept thank you brother are you muslim aren't we all a little yeah have you got a card i'll spread
38:15the word nice yeah okay i gotta go that's my mom you know your mom yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't
38:23be here
38:23without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all thicker that's me that's me good to see
38:39what security guy that's what i have to you you literally told me to bring it here as security
38:45why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh no i haven't of course i'm hungry man
38:49didn't eat a canapé champagne gentleman just have a little canapé bro just have a little something to
38:55eat nothing here is halal none of the little things the big things none of it have some halloumi
38:59halloumi is not israeli that's what they want you to think it's an arabic cheers
39:03prove it to me google it you know i don't use google thank you too fine
39:13good evening in 2001 we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's
39:23cultural heritage we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight we right this
39:32wrong after a nine-year 15 million pound restoration project it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:41the restored buddha of bamian
39:56now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm that i invite tonight's guest speaker
40:03to the stage the most gentleman of vampire hunter i've ever had the pleasure of meeting raj dhaka
40:16it's an honor to be here i mean wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe and
40:26so it
40:26should follow that england too is home to people from those same places now tonight is a celebration
40:32but i would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an englishman and as a person of
40:39color
40:41recently racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep
40:51it was horrific there was blood everywhere my mother was left traumatized mummy i'm sorry
41:00but no amount of hate will make me hide
41:03those driven by prejudice they need to see us in these spaces
41:11and because this too is what british looks like thank you thank you
41:21miss latif you have a situation man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and
41:27actually profiling museum guests what they're really doing very special work um oh and uh shah latif
41:35wanted to say something too i'm about to go on man shah otherwise we're gonna have to escort him
41:40off the premises immediately i don't know
42:00so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was a silky bit of spycraft from thacker he's
42:08clearly made for the role not to mention he can get the bleeding lines out
42:15nine i can do better i can can you now let's see i also had a pig's head sent to
42:23mine for themselves
42:27i am nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me but it's not your acting that's the problem is it
42:36it's who you are you don't have the balls to be bond
42:44you turned your back on your own fans you turned your back on your own family
42:55face it people like you are never the heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little
43:05pack it
43:09send him back where he came from
43:25Oh, my God.
43:41Yeah?
43:45You okay?
43:47Yeah, you?
43:48What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am. Were you talking to someone, or what?
43:56Oh, sorry, man. I was just running late.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Yeah, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
44:05Eve Mubarak, yeah.
44:08The night, you weirdo.
44:13Eve Mubarak, bitch!
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