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The King of Queens S03E14 Ctrl Episode 14 Engsub
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00:04a paintball party you say it like you've never heard those two words together all right so let
00:09me get this straight we drive a hundred miles up into the Catskills in order to run around in the
00:14muck and shoot balls of paint at each other yes it's Deacon's birthday you don't think maybe the
00:23guy should get to choose what he wants to do on his own birthday honey you really want to do
00:27this
00:28I don't care yes he does fine can't afford to paint the house but we can cram it into guns
00:33and shoot it at each other what are you running from okay can we order now I'm starving I come
00:42knowing what I want
01:08burger looks good
01:29how's that that's good
01:31my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight
01:37I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough bridge tonight
01:41but I don't care cause all I want to do
01:47is cash my check and drive right home to you
01:53cause maybe all my life I will be driving home to you
02:13if you like what the girls do during the day wait till you see them at night stay tuned for
02:18more college girls crazy and real
02:20all right 200 channels nothing on it's okay Doug you can watch your college sluts in Rio
02:30not my college sluts and just so you know next time we're out and you see a girl you think
02:36is hot you can look I can yes just don't be a jerk when you do it like that thing
02:41you do with your eyes it's so creepy doesn't that hurt a little but I push through
02:46come on you know what I'm saying I mean just because we're married doesn't mean we're not going to be
02:50attracted to other people once in a while
02:53you know it's okay I mean I would be worried if you weren't like Jamie my Neil girl you think
02:59she's hot right no Doug yes you see it's okay you could just tell me you don't have to lurk
03:06outside the salon window when you come to pick me up
03:11she's purdy yes she is so come on anybody else you could tell me
03:18all right well I guess it's Maggie at the dry cleaners oh and this toll taker on the white stone
03:24bridge I mean from the waist up she's mwah
03:27the rest of her that's anybody's guess
03:30that's why you didn't get easy pass so who revs old carry-up huh all right um well I ain't
03:40hating that kid Pedro at the car wash whoa what the young buff and illegal good choice good choice
03:47so who else come on I want to want to know what kind of nympho I'm dealing with here okay
03:52um well the sparklets guy
03:55Eric at the office deacon oh and that guy who power walks his greyhound in the morning
04:04I'm pretty sure he's gay though you don't have to worry about it I mean those little shorts right
04:09right so deacon huh yeah deacon among others but among others deacon yeah some ladies got a thing for
04:20deacon want some deacon and eggs I don't have a thing for him and it's no more of a big
04:27deal than
04:27the ones you said not a big deal just a fun fact you know look at your fruit fly lives
04:32for a day and my
04:34wife's hot for my best friend would have thunk it I don't know
04:42and we are back New York down to
04:48what nothing I just just noticed that your ear is a little small for your head a little bit just
04:55a little bit
04:57I'll tell you Doug this is great hanging like this yeah glad you could make it guy I mean before
05:02my
05:02pizza place went out of business I wouldn't have time for this stuff too busy making a living
05:08everything works out for a reason oh I'll tell you I am really looking forward to this paintball party
05:13I could use a little relaxation
05:20you spot me right up there what happened to your car ah I sold it to buy a karaoke machine
05:25a pump up
05:25business little late on that fad I can take eight in my minivan who's going oh see you got us
05:36uh plus
05:37Carrie Kelly uh my sister Stephanie yeah right with us Danny hey guys hey man I was just uh driving
05:46by couldn't help noticing all the cars of my friends come on man this wasn't planned it just sort of
05:53happened and I suppose hot wings just happened stop hey you remember my cousin Danny right hey man
06:01good to see you again hello come on now sit down hang out watch a game I would but my
06:11seat is
06:13occupado sit here okay I'm going back to the house anybody want anything some more hot wings
06:18uh no thanks man trying to drop a few pounds good great you're on top of that man I didn't
06:26know
06:26Doug's sister was coming on this paintball thing I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go why not
06:31like 10 years ago we all went on this big ski trip shared this big condo yeah so yeah so
06:37we had a
06:38couple drinks and let's just say I threw one her way huh that's very sweet of you told her that
06:45I
06:45really liked her I promised that I'd call as soon as we got back to the city here's the kicker
06:50I never
06:52did get out so Deke the big three three hey we've got to do something special for your birthday oh
07:03we
07:03are yeah that's normally a paintball party upstate what I told you like a month ago you remember you
07:09you called it a barbaric throwback to the worst in human nature I just say things to hear myself talk
07:15you know that well the thing is I mean the teams they got to be even and I uh I
07:22already invited Danny
07:25oh I see um hey I'm late for a thing uh goodbye hold on Spence you can come no no
07:35I wouldn't want
07:35to uneven your precious teams Spence it's okay forget it I don't want to get in the way of all
07:41this time
07:42you've been spending with your little cousin and by the way I know about the jet ski I only took
07:49Danny
07:49because she's going through a hard time right now now you're coming to paintball you got it no you're
07:52coming even if I got a tacky and strap you to the hood of my car what are you yelling
07:56at Spence for
07:57because my wife thinks you're hot honey come on we got about a million people to pick up coming
08:08I am one handsome black man what are you doing staring at yourself in the mirror how do you keep
08:16your hands off me what is with you today nothing oh some little honey on your route thought you were
08:24fine nope at least not anyone on my route so who then oh better not tell you don't want to
08:31get you
08:32jealous and get those claws out oh please honey I think I can handle it
08:38I am one handsome white and just smile just taking some clean fresh air for the world
09:08all right people listen up okay now the object is to capture your enemy's flag
09:12okay now remember we're out here to have fun but also to kill any questions
09:23okay then yeah let me help you with that I got it but maybe you ought to go help your
09:30girlfriend
09:36need some help with that no I think I got it
09:41been a long time huh has it you look real good you mean I'm not the fat cow I used
09:49to be
09:50yeah right okay well let's get this show on the road where the hell is Carrie
09:59okay that was unpleasant would you hurry up we're choosing a peems oh I'm sorry it was so lovely in
10:04there I lingered did you make a little effort to enjoy this if not for me at least Deacon hey
10:12would you stop with that already you're the one who can't stop loving him yeah that's right Doug I
10:18got it bad for Deacon guess what we're planning to kill you and run away with your millions hey come
10:24on man let's choose sides to get this paperwork started you can have first pick let me see who
10:30would I like to have by my side I will take Kelly get over here Miss Foxy Brown come on
10:38Colonel okay you
10:40got my wife I'll take yours Carrie come on sugar yes this just feels right yeah well we could just
10:49stop picking right now and we'd have a winning team oh yeah well so can wait I guess we better
10:54keep
10:55picking though I take Lewis why doesn't someone just give me a wedgie now and complete my humiliation
11:07well I told you'd be extra well what are we gonna do excuse me do you need any additional personnel
11:18uh uh yeah great we'll uh we'll get you some equipment no need I have all the necessary equipment in
11:25my vehicle
11:37okay how long are we gonna sit here cuz I gotta be honest I really thought there was gonna be
11:41a lot
11:41more running and shooting this is a lot of lurking it's just that we only rented the field until 2
11:4730
11:47after that we got to pay extra okay you don't have to shush me okay I'm a person you're sitting
11:53here for
11:5345 minutes okay I want to start shooting people Doug yelling at me will not keep your wife from lusting
11:59after your best friend how did you know that I believe the question is how did you not know
12:08they're not having an affair or anything you know she just uh thinks he's kind of attractive
12:13so but it doesn't really matter and it's eating you alive yes it is yep
12:33time for a second coat
12:36oh it's just a game you psycho
12:39let's go Doug I'm sorry how are you all right man
12:42Doug I gotta go
12:57try and take my place think again pizza boy
13:18hey oh I kill kill anybody yet no god this paintball thing is so stupid I know
13:35oh oh it's all I'm not
13:45go oh oh my god you okay what's going on your wife's going for me she's got crazy eyes oh
13:51she's taking this worse than I thought
13:53taking what works yeah oh my god did don't tell you oh my god okay chunky guys today
14:20hey that went right by my ear yeah because i missed all right now i gotta shoot you fine
14:28just don't say you're gonna call me after you shoot me hey look i'm sorry about not calling
14:33you okay it's just that my phone was broke and i blew my nose on the napkin that had your
14:40number
14:40on it and i couldn't tell if it was six six seven shut up you know i i really liked
14:45you richie
14:48sorry but you know what and the guy when i saw you today i thought wow she looks good now
15:01really that's sweet
15:06oh geez my aim is better than i thought
15:11look richie i'm sorry i'm sorry richie you're gonna be okay
15:20i'm out too so what do we do now first we calm down i think my ground came loose
15:36our only chance is to head for those woods over there got more ammunition and head on back okay okay
15:46i don't know if you believe in god this might be a fine time to say a little prayer okay
15:52okay
15:56well oh uh bless us father for the pain we are about to shoot
16:07i'm really more of an amen guy
16:11doug let's go on three one two
16:16give me a three
16:19uh
16:46Hold it.
16:48Oh, God.
16:53Why are you stalking me?
16:55I'm not.
16:56What did I ever do to you?
16:57None of your B.I.B. is whacked.
17:01Ah!
17:02Ah!
17:03Ah!
17:04Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:07Ah!
17:08Ah!
17:10Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:12Ah!
17:13Ah!
17:14Ah!
17:17Ah!
17:19Ah!
17:19Ah!
17:20Ah!
17:21Ah!
17:22Ah!
17:23Ah!
17:24I left my inhaler in the van.
17:28Ha!
17:31Ah!
17:33Ah!
17:36Ah!
17:39Ha!
17:40Huh!
17:57This is fun.
17:59Yeah.
18:12Okay. You never told me what this means. I don't even know. Where are they, all right? Maybe you were
18:18wrong. Maybe they're not here.
18:46I can't do this. I'm not good at war. You really don't have an ounce of self-respecting. I just
18:56want lunch. For God's sakes, man. Tuck in your underwear.
19:06I gotta get back.
19:12Hey, Stephanie. So you gonna call me? Yeah, sure. I'll call you.
19:25All right. What do we have here? Oh, extra crispy. Winner.
19:36Don't move. You were right, Carrie.
19:42Yeah. He likes his chicken. Yeah? Well, now he's finger licking dead. Good one.
19:49So long, my man.
19:51Pull it!
19:55Go ahead, man. Pull the trigger. But if you shoot me, Kelly shoots you.
19:58Yeah, well, Kelly shoots me, Carrie shoots Kelly. Then I shoot Carrie.
20:01Doug, you shoot me and you're never getting sex again.
20:03You can't do that! No, it's done.
20:08All right, we're getting crazy here. Look, man, we all came up here to celebrate my best friend's birthday and
20:13we're acting like idiots.
20:15Come on, let's all just... Let's calm down, okay?
20:20All right, come on. This is cool.
20:22I'm tired. That's really easy.
20:25What was that? Nothing.
20:26You were gonna shoot me, but your gun jammed.
20:28I think you're wrong.
20:30Oh, man, you were unbelievable.
20:32Leave him alone. This is your fault, Deacon.
20:34Hey, I can't help being fine.
20:38And I can't believe you told Deacon what I said.
20:42Well, I couldn't have told him if you didn't tell me.
20:44You asked.
20:45I didn't want to hear Deacon. I wanted Pedro at the car wash.
20:51All right, you're right. I started this whole thing.
20:56Go ahead. Take a free shot at me.
21:00I'm not gonna shoot you.
21:01No, come on. No, come on. You'll feel better. Here.
21:04Have a piece of chicken and shoot me. You'll be a new man.
21:08Hold it. Say goodnight, little lady.
21:32I thought he was going for the chicken.
21:49Honey, I'm home.
21:52Where the hell have you been?
21:54Oh, are you at that stupid paintball place again?
21:58I went, I went, I just...
21:59Oh, wait, oh, wait, oh, wait.
22:00You know the Hendersons are coming for Bridge.
22:02I mean, look at you. Would you take that stupid rag off your head?
22:05I got, I got, I got the ice cream you wanted.
22:09This is frozen yogurt. My God, you're an idiot.
22:15I, I, I, I...
22:17I'll go back.
22:20Hm?
22:20One, two, three.
22:25.
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