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00:07In New York City, storied underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:11It feels like you belong in a family guy writer's room.
00:16But she just said I was funny.
00:19Oh, that's close.
00:21I'm sure the writers would change places with you right now if they could.
00:25Our mission? To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:30Our secondary mission? To provide universal basic income for alt comedians and other virgins.
00:36In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against each other and the political establishment.
00:42To win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it and an invitation to our world championship
00:48season finale.
00:50But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:53This is the fight of our lives.
00:56This is the future we've been waiting for.
01:00This is Abolish Everything.
01:11Tonight's abolitionists, Phil Jameson, Cara Michelle Smith, Macy Gilliam, and Millie Tamerez.
01:27Thank you so much for watching Abolish Everything.
01:29I'm your host, Chandler Dean.
01:34Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce
01:39the political establishment.
01:44Claude Tavares, John Marco Cerezi, Jamie Lynn Watson, and Chief Justice of the political establishment, Andy Vega.
01:55Look at these people.
01:57How is it possible to look like you both bully people and no show tunes?
02:02I'm out of competition, but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:05Are you ready to abolish everything?
02:10And without further ado, my time starts now.
02:15My friends, I believe if we do not take pride in the things we create, they are hardly worth
02:20creating at all.
02:21When you make something, someone, somewhere, should want it to exist.
02:27That is why we need to abolish the house salad.
02:35Not in my house.
02:39First of all, you call it the house salad.
02:42Your chef did not invent this.
02:45Every house salad is the same.
02:47Lettuce and then the culinary equivalent of, like, whatever.
02:52Tomatoes, onions, a big-ass glob of grocery store dressing.
02:56It's whatever's lying around.
02:58Calling this a house salad is like saying you have a signature cocktail,
03:01and then it is tap water on the rocks.
03:05Ultimately, the house salad is a restaurant punishing you for trying to be healthy.
03:15When does the house salad show up?
03:17At the end of the list of the most delicious side options you've ever heard in your life.
03:23What would you like with your club sandwich?
03:25Hand-cut crispy fries?
03:28Deep-fried gooey mozzarella sticks?
03:31Homemade, lightly-salted kettle chips?
03:34Or six loose leaves we found
03:38that are going to either be wet or dry?
03:42My friends, we must reject the idea that this is the healthy choice.
03:47Why?
03:48Because mental health is health.
03:54And by the way, a lot of these restaurants have other salads.
03:59You look on the menu and you see all these wonderful things.
04:03Apples and berries and farro and almonds,
04:06quinoa and bacon and fresh candied walnuts.
04:09They have it all in the back, ready to go.
04:14But if you have the audacity to ask for this as a little side,
04:20your waiter will tell you it's impossible.
04:24We can split the atom, but we can't split a little side plate for Chandler.
04:29Come on.
04:31We deserve better, my friends.
04:34And you know who else deserves better?
04:36Vegans.
04:40I am not vegan, but I have recently decided to start developing empathy for them.
04:47My sister's a vegan, my other sister's a vegan, my own mother's a woman.
04:51So, often the house salad is the only option that vegans have on the menu.
04:58And let me tell you, they may seem chipper
05:00when they tell you the story of how they met their polycule at a Moona concert.
05:04But watch them order the house salad and you will see
05:07these skinny divas are starving.
05:10They look at the house salad the same way that your dog
05:13looks at the weird diet liver medicine that the vet prescribed.
05:17In both cases, they have no choice in the matter
05:20and people food is not coming.
05:24Chandler, why are you so upset about this?
05:26Well, it's the premise of the show.
05:29And I gotta come up with a lot of these.
05:33But also, I struggle to make healthy choices.
05:37I want to eat well.
05:38I want to treat my body with kindness.
05:40Instead, I have the diet of the Costco guys.
05:45We have a fan on the panel.
05:48It's all chicken bakes and double chunk chocolate cookies for me.
05:52And make no mistake, about an hour after every meal,
05:55I do bring the boom.
05:57Now, I know this because my wife keeps dropping subtle hints
06:03that we need to move to an apartment with two bathrooms.
06:11But every time I encounter a house salad,
06:14it's like I've been spat in the face
06:15and not in a hot way that I like.
06:18Do better, dream bigger,
06:21abolish the house salad, I yield my time.
06:27The political establishment will now have an opportunity
06:29to rebut me and their time starts now.
06:31I think vegans do not deserve better.
06:35I think they, they, listen,
06:37moral superiority comes with a price.
06:40You make me feel guilty, at the very least,
06:42you can be unhappy for every meal.
06:44You're saying, how can we truly know
06:46that they are making a sacrifice
06:47unless we sort of make them do this ritualistically every time?
06:50Your argument of looking at the nicer entree salads
06:54and going, why can't I get that?
06:56Oh, why don't we have a side of a slice of the hamburger?
06:59You prepare things as an entree.
07:01You don't get a little portion outside of that.
07:03It's not a sustainable business model.
07:05I would love a little portion of anything on the menu.
07:10You've never looked at the kid's meal.
07:14You've never looked at the kid's meal and said,
07:17that's exactly the right amount of food for me.
07:19I don't want to get a little box
07:20and put it in the fridge and let it rot
07:22and then half eat it later.
07:23No, thank you.
07:24I want little portions of everything.
07:26Everything should be measured by weight
07:28like at the candy store.
07:29Oh, here we go.
07:30Here we go.
07:32Oh, yeah.
07:33Once again, Chandler wants everything
07:35to be easier for him.
07:37Things are too hard for Chandler.
07:40He doesn't know how to control himself,
07:42so now the restaurant has to make food
07:44that you want to eat?
07:46What?
07:47That's crazy.
07:48You're going to go to a restaurant
07:49and demand to eat food that's delicious?
07:53Entitled much?
07:54You want them to weigh everything.
07:56You want them to weigh every single entree.
07:58I think they should have a scale,
07:58and that's how you determine
08:00if you get the house salad as a side.
08:01I would love...
08:03That was your idea, Chandler.
08:05You said weigh everything.
08:07Yes.
08:08Andy weighs me before every show.
08:10Every show.
08:12It's important.
08:13He says I have to get on the scale.
08:14I have limited self-worth.
08:16I'm already on Noom.
08:18They might as well cut out the middleman for me.
08:20Oh, Noom's no bueno.
08:21I'd be happy to be subjected to this.
08:22Chandler, I had a crazy day yesterday.
08:24I lost custody of my kid,
08:26and that's why I had a couple of NAs,
08:28and I'm looking crazy today.
08:30The house salad is the reason
08:31I lost the custody of my kid,
08:33and I'm happy about that, man.
08:35Because when I go to a restaurant,
08:37I'm not trying to buy my kid a meal.
08:39Ew.
08:40I'm getting the house salad
08:42so I can eventually give it to him
08:43so he can become a rabbit.
08:45Can you walk me through
08:47how the house salad
08:48made you lose custody of your kids?
08:50Well, because they're saying
08:50I'm not giving them enough calories
08:52because I'm only feeding him house salads
08:55that come with my meal
08:56because I'm trying to make him into a rabbit.
08:59I'm trying to have a rabbit kid.
09:01No, that makes perfect sense to me.
09:03I'm sorry I asked.
09:04I think you're forgetting
09:05about a really important part of the population,
09:07which is someone like me
09:09who one time fell really hard on her head
09:12while trying to learn a K-pop dance,
09:14and for a couple days,
09:16I thought everything on TV was real life.
09:19So when I went to the restaurant
09:22and I saw there was a house salad,
09:24I thought it was a salad made by Dr. House.
09:26Mmm.
09:28You know, angry British doctor limping.
09:31Well, I have not abolished
09:32the fictitious Dr. House salad.
09:35I've only abolished
09:36the real-life existing house salad.
09:38Well, to me, it was real,
09:39so you're gaslighting me.
09:41Chandler, you said something
09:42that was very incorrect,
09:43and I need to make sure everyone knows this.
09:45You said that mental health is real health.
09:47I disagree.
09:49That's fake health.
09:50Oh, oh, yeah.
09:51You're a health therapist?
09:52Good for you.
09:53Wasting your money on nothing.
09:56Yeah, talking about your feelings?
09:58Boo, you.
09:59Yeah, spend it on an actual house.
10:01Uh-huh.
10:02Maybe then you'll get it.
10:04Yeah.
10:05Let me ask you this.
10:05If there's no house salad available,
10:08where are you getting your vegetables?
10:10Me, personally?
10:11Yeah, those salads that you listed earlier,
10:13I saw you try to describe them with joy, but...
10:17It certainly lacked the luster
10:19as you described the mozzarella sticks
10:2110 seconds before that.
10:22And that's time!
10:25Are you ready for your first abolitionist of the night?
10:31You know our next abolitionist
10:33from Adult Swim and Dropout.
10:35Please welcome Phil Jamison.
10:38Phil Jamison.
10:42Oh, I am thrilled to be here
10:44at Abolish Everything.
10:45I'm a fan of the show.
10:47You know, for a show like this,
10:48you do need a topic.
10:49A theme, right?
10:51And so when I got the call,
10:52I did what all comedians do
10:54when we're booked on a theme show like this.
10:56I immediately got to work,
10:58looking through my Notes app
10:59for material I had already written.
11:02We write down a lot of half ideas,
11:03a lot of premises.
11:05Unfortunately, I did not think
11:06that I could do an entire presentation
11:08on how I don't want to toot my own horn
11:10sounds like a cartoon character
11:11pressuring someone into sex.
11:14It's been two weeks since we played jazz!
11:19So I continued to look through my notes
11:20and I realized all of the worst stuff
11:23had one thing in common.
11:24That's why today I want to abolish
11:27writing down ideas in your Notes app
11:29in the middle of the night!
11:33That's right.
11:34For the people who are not familiar
11:36with what this is,
11:38a lot of us will wake up
11:40in the middle of the night
11:40with some sort of idea
11:42and roll over and write it down
11:44in our phones
11:44with all the confidence
11:45of someone who has just been handed
11:47stone tablets from God.
11:50Then we will roll over
11:52and go back to sleep
11:53with a song in our hearts
11:54and laughter on our lips.
11:56Then in the morning,
11:58we will read it.
12:01And the idea we have written down
12:04is so bad we know
12:06beyond a shadow of a doubt
12:07not only was this not a divine message,
12:09no, God cannot exist.
12:13So why does this happen?
12:15Let's look at the science behind this.
12:16Well, when you are asleep,
12:18scientists estimate
12:19that your brain is off
12:20because you're asleep, you idiot.
12:22What are you trying to write for?
12:25So there are three big issues
12:27with the ideas you write
12:28in the middle of the night.
12:29Issue number one,
12:30it's a big one.
12:31They don't make sense.
12:33Nine out of ten of these ideas,
12:34no sense whatsoever.
12:36It's time for a little bit of a game.
12:37Let's play a game show
12:38I like to call
12:39Guess What I Wrote in My Sleep.
12:47Item number one.
12:50Going to the boxing gym
12:51and only practicing uppercuts
12:52because they're the most powerful.
12:58Option number two.
13:00Con man accidentally ends up
13:02as a fixer for crime boss
13:04as he's trying to pull a hit
13:05on an alcohol shop owner
13:07in a popular location.
13:09Picks up envelope from rich kids
13:12with a little cart
13:13asking it be as valuable
13:15as one of the pieces of art,
13:16but it's a contract to kill her.
13:18Tries to put it back,
13:20but they catch him
13:20and he rides around with them.
13:23Cop stops.
13:24He tries to hide it.
13:25Cop finds it.
13:26Why'd he bring them in on this?
13:28I have no fucking clue, man.
13:30You're asking me?
13:31I have to ride around with them
13:32in this cart.
13:36Is it option one,
13:37which I like to think
13:38might be something
13:40Tracy Jordan would say
13:41in season three of 30 Rock,
13:43or is it option two,
13:44which is something
13:45Tracy Jordan might say
13:47in season one of 30 Rock?
13:50That's right.
13:52It's the insane one.
13:58Problem number two
13:59with the things you write
14:01in the middle of the night.
14:02First one, doesn't make sense.
14:03Second issue,
14:05when they do make sense,
14:06they are almost never useful.
14:10Here's something I remember
14:11laughing at in the morning
14:12after I wrote it.
14:15Michael Caine interrupting
14:17Liam Neeson's
14:17Taken monologue
14:18to say,
14:20very interesting, sir.
14:24It's not a joke.
14:26I don't hate it,
14:26to be clear.
14:28It's not a joke.
14:29It's not a premise.
14:31At best,
14:31this belongs in a folder
14:33called
14:33Things That Could Happen.
14:36But if you did remake
14:38The Dark Knight
14:38and just put
14:39the Taken guy in there,
14:41$8 billion
14:41domestic box office.
14:43That is
14:44Avengers Endgame
14:45for guys who think
14:46they can score a point
14:47against Serena Williams.
14:50Issue number three,
14:51when they are useful,
14:53you still have to frame them
14:55as a dream idea.
14:56This is the cream of the crop.
14:57This is the stuff
14:58that is useful
14:59and makes sense,
15:01but this is the apex.
15:02This is the best
15:03you can possibly do.
15:04This is the funniest thing
15:05I have ever written
15:07in my sleep.
15:13Meal Foy?
15:14Yeah,
15:15no thanks.
15:15How about you give me
15:16a full meal?
15:21Abolish writing down ideas
15:23in your notes up
15:24in the middle of the night.
15:25I yield my time.
15:31I am concerned
15:32about the children.
15:34Very interesting, sir.
15:39Kids today,
15:40all they know
15:41are discords
15:43and porn discords.
15:46Shouldn't we be celebrating
15:48when they're using their phone
15:49to write down
15:50something creative,
15:51something beautiful
15:52that came from
15:53their own mind?
15:53That's a great question.
15:56I notice you're awake
15:57while you said it.
16:03I have a suspicion,
16:05actually,
16:06about the four of you.
16:07He's actually asleep.
16:08I've been asleep.
16:09He's actually sleeping.
16:10He had a lot of NAs
16:11last night.
16:12Medically asleep.
16:15You made this presentation
16:16while awake,
16:17I presume?
16:18Yes.
16:18Yet your biggest laughs
16:19came from when you were
16:20reading things that you wrote
16:21in your sleep.
16:22That's true.
16:23That's true.
16:25No, you're absolutely right.
16:27And item number three,
16:29you still have to frame them
16:30as a dream idea.
16:31If you do that,
16:32you can still make usable material.
16:33As opposed to framing them
16:34as a PowerPoint presentation
16:35for Abolish Everything.
16:37That's right.
16:38That's right.
16:39Hey, Phil, listen.
16:40I feel like we need
16:41to have a talk.
16:43I feel like you're
16:44pretty down on yourself.
16:46I think you need to believe
16:47in your ideas.
16:48Those were three
16:49really good ideas.
16:51I think you're
16:53really funny
16:53and I think you know
16:55how to write comedy
16:57asleep or awake.
17:00And I think maybe
17:01you should stop being
17:02so mean to yourself.
17:04That's really nice.
17:07I think you have
17:08all these good ideas.
17:10It feels like you belong
17:11in a family guy
17:12writer's room.
17:14Yes.
17:15But she just said
17:16I was funny.
17:18Oh, that's low.
17:22Wow.
17:23I'm sure the writers
17:24would change places
17:24with you right now
17:25if they could.
17:27Is that low gay sheep
17:29a top or a bottom?
17:31Can we go to the slide?
17:33What do we think?
17:34That looks verse.
17:35We're verse.
17:36I think he's a side.
17:38I think he's in the middle
17:38right now.
17:39I don't want to.
17:40Look, I don't want
17:41this to be abolished
17:43because if it weren't
17:44for writing notes
17:45in the middle
17:46of you sleeping
17:47I wouldn't have
17:47such an awesome note
17:49in my phone
17:49that says
17:50hear me out, Shrek.
17:53What else are you
17:54supposed to do
17:54in the middle of the night?
17:55I mean, you know,
17:56middle of the night
17:56you probably wake up
17:57you jerk off.
17:58Is this not a form
17:59of mental jerking off?
18:01You know,
18:02this is another thing.
18:03I like to sleep.
18:04You don't like to jerk off?
18:05What are you?
18:06What the fuck?
18:08What the fuck
18:09is wrong with you?
18:10Bring back that sheep
18:11and tell me you see that sheep
18:12but you don't want
18:12to jerk off right away.
18:14to jerk off
18:14to that little gay sheep.
18:15That's why I could
18:16never count sheep
18:16to go to bed.
18:18Yeah.
18:19Freak.
18:20One of my favorite ideas
18:21I ever came up with
18:22was a sleep idea
18:23and it was like
18:24when people walk
18:25into a room
18:25instead of high-fiving
18:27they slap everyone
18:28in the face.
18:30And I thought
18:31that in my sleep.
18:32I haven't been able
18:32to ever do it
18:33but I think
18:34it's very funny.
18:35You know what, Phil?
18:35I'm sorry to take
18:36your side right now.
18:37I like that actually.
18:39We can switch
18:40actually positions here.
18:41Like the sheep
18:42verse.
18:43That's right.
18:44There you go.
18:45Hear me out.
18:46What if we got
18:48a team of fabricators,
18:50rioters,
18:51executioners,
18:52people who execute things
18:53not necessarily kill people
18:55and they are ready.
18:56They are by your bedside
18:57waiting.
18:57You wake up,
18:58you tell us the idea
18:59and we fucking
19:00get that stuff done.
19:02In my bedroom
19:02I need a full production team
19:0412 hours a night.
19:05I'm on board.
19:06My girlfriend
19:07has night terrors
19:08and in the middle
19:09of the night
19:09she'll wake up
19:10and she'll yell at me
19:12very mad at me
19:12and how do I get
19:14that to stop?
19:15That's time!
19:19Our next abolitionist
19:20has written for
19:21The New Yorker,
19:22Salon,
19:22The Onion,
19:23McSweeney's and more.
19:24Give it up for
19:25Kara Michelle Smith.
19:33My friends,
19:34right now
19:34we face some
19:36really profound threats.
19:39We think
19:40that we can conquer AI
19:41even though
19:42it's conquering us.
19:44We think
19:45we can bring life
19:46to other planets
19:47even though
19:48we are one for one
19:49on killing other planets.
19:52and we thought
19:53we could escape
19:54our craving
19:55for power
19:55and nobility
19:56but wherever you go
19:58there you are.
20:04Now I believe
20:05that the root
20:06of all of these
20:08problems
20:08is our hubris
20:09and the belief
20:10that humanity
20:10can conquer
20:11any unknown.
20:13We can't
20:14and if we don't
20:16start checking
20:17our hubris
20:17it's going to kill us.
20:19Friends,
20:20we need to abolish
20:22going to the beach
20:27at night.
20:34the beach
20:35during the day
20:36is an air fryer
20:38set to bake skin
20:40and a violent
20:42jacuzzi set
20:43to drown
20:45and the only
20:47naturally occurring
20:48place on earth
20:49with lifeguards
20:50under the best
20:51circumstances.
20:52Do we take
20:53these things seriously?
20:55I would argue
20:56no.
20:58We most certainly
21:00do not.
21:03But at night
21:04when the sun
21:05goes down
21:06the beach
21:07becomes something
21:08else entirely.
21:09she transforms
21:11into a supernatural
21:12border
21:13where two worlds
21:14collide
21:14one with land
21:16air
21:17and hamburgers
21:18and the other
21:19a suffocating
21:20unexplored void
21:22with reverse gravity
21:23and hostile
21:25alien life forms
21:26where humans
21:27can only survive
21:28if they look
21:29like this.
21:31How can either
21:33of them hope
21:33to enjoy a hamburger?
21:36Friends,
21:38this makes
21:38the beach at night
21:39the closest thing
21:40on earth
21:40to outer space
21:41and to put it
21:42another way,
21:43going to the beach
21:44at night
21:45is the poor
21:46man's blue
21:46origin flight.
21:51Now I recognize
21:52some of you may
21:53remain unconvinced.
21:54hubris is a powerful
21:56drug, mama.
21:58You might be thinking,
22:00Kara, I don't
22:01swim at the beach
22:02at night.
22:02Yeah, those are
22:03your plans.
22:05Do you really
22:06think that Miss
22:07Ocean,
22:08if she is not
22:09in the mood
22:09for visitors,
22:10couldn't raise
22:11her tides 20 feet
22:12and suck your ass
22:13into her bowels?
22:15I can think of
22:16someone who would
22:17disagree with me,
22:17though.
22:19Captain Edward
22:19Smith.
22:22You may know him
22:23from the RMS Titanic,
22:25the unsinkable ship.
22:27Now, you might be
22:28thinking, Kara,
22:29the Titanic was
22:30so long ago.
22:31We've learned a lot
22:32since then.
22:33We can innovate
22:33within Mother Earth's
22:35limits.
22:35You might appreciate
22:36quotes like,
22:38you're remembered
22:38for the rules you break.
22:40Or even,
22:41if you want to be safe,
22:43don't get out of bed.
22:44Or maybe,
22:45at some point,
22:47safety is just
22:47pure waste.
22:48I think I know
22:49somebody who you'd
22:50agree with.
22:51Someone who said
22:52these very real quotes.
22:54Recognize him?
22:58This, of course,
23:00is Stockton Rush.
23:03The boy genius
23:05renegade who wanted,
23:07demanded,
23:08a close-up view
23:10of the Titanic.
23:12And in a perfect
23:13third act twist,
23:15he got what he wanted,
23:16but not in the way
23:17he saw coming.
23:19But what you may not know
23:21is that he originally
23:22planned on making
23:23his descent at night.
23:24The Coast Guard
23:25eventually convinced him
23:26to change his plans,
23:28but the sea
23:29remembered his hubris.
23:37In conclusion,
23:39fueled by our hubris,
23:41there are two chief reasons
23:43we go to the beach
23:44at night.
23:44to have sex
23:46or to kill someone
23:48and or ourselves.
23:50Now, I want
23:52to challenge everyone here
23:53to adopt a new set
23:54of beliefs tonight.
23:55I want you to believe
23:57that you don't need
23:58to go to the beach
23:59to get laid.
24:01Yeah!
24:03Yeah!
24:04And you don't need
24:06AI to write an essay.
24:09You don't.
24:10You don't.
24:13You can pay me
24:14to do it.
24:17But,
24:17if you yearn
24:18for death's icy grip,
24:20go to the beach
24:21at night, okay?
24:22Because I think
24:23what we've learned
24:23here tonight
24:24is that foolishness
24:25will get you sunburned,
24:27but hubris
24:27just may get you killed.
24:34Abolish going
24:35to the beach
24:36at night!
24:40Yes!
24:42I think it's really
24:43fucked up of you
24:44to bring that up
24:45because
24:47Andy actually
24:48got us all tickets
24:49to go the week after.
24:52And I'm really happy
24:53that he died
24:54and not y'all.
24:55Well, I'm kind of
24:57relieved
24:57because I was
24:58hooking up
24:59with Stockton
25:00and I thought
25:02this whole time
25:03he was ghosting me,
25:04but he just died,
25:05so I'm relieved
25:06like it's not me.
25:08You kept saying
25:08it was me.
25:09Well, it's a little bit you.
25:11A little bit you.
25:11And I'm just so happy
25:13it's just because
25:14he died, you know?
25:15He was ghosting you.
25:16He also died.
25:17Well, but I mean,
25:18he was ghosting me
25:20like a year
25:20before he died,
25:21but like he was
25:22probably going to
25:23reply to me
25:23like that day.
25:27At night time,
25:28I am what many call
25:30an amphibious
25:31dominant lover.
25:35So for me,
25:36it's not just that
25:37I go to the beach
25:38at night
25:38to have sex.
25:39That's the only way
25:41I can make that happen.
25:45So why would you
25:46take something
25:46like this from me
25:47and are you
25:48kink shaming
25:49and rest in peace
25:50Stocky?
25:50He was a good guy.
25:52I'm not kink shaming.
25:57Swamps?
25:58Bogs?
25:58No, he can only
25:59get it up
25:59if he has sand
26:00in his ass.
26:00I need sand
26:01in my ass.
26:02You need the simulation.
26:03He needs the sand
26:04in his asshole.
26:05Yeah.
26:05I think you can
26:06go to the beach
26:07at night
26:07because you wouldn't
26:08care if you died.
26:09Sorry?
26:10I think you can go
26:11if you're okay
26:12with the risk
26:13of dying.
26:14No offense,
26:14it seems like
26:14you don't like
26:15the beach
26:15during the daytime either.
26:17I love the beach
26:18during the day.
26:19Listen,
26:19I don't feel
26:19maybe as comfortable
26:21as you skinny dipping
26:21in broad daylight.
26:23In fact,
26:24I like to swim
26:25at night
26:26because that's
26:26when you know
26:27the sharks
26:27are asleep.
26:29Safer.
26:30Yes,
26:30they sleep then.
26:31I think if you're
26:32going to the beach,
26:35you might as well
26:35go and see
26:36all the beach
26:36has to offer,
26:37be right up
26:38and close with the sharks.
26:39Do the full experience.
26:41Know the dangers.
26:43This is a way
26:43that we know
26:44what's there.
26:45At night,
26:46we don't know
26:46what's there
26:47because we can't see it.
26:4890% of romance novels
26:50are night beach makeouts.
26:52So like,
26:52you are literally
26:53making me illiterate
26:55if you take this
26:56away from me.
26:57You're going to make
26:58a lot of women illiterate.
26:59That's like all we read.
27:01You're like,
27:01you don't want women
27:02reading, I guess.
27:03I would challenge us
27:04to do better.
27:05Do you think
27:06the people who died
27:07in the Titanic tragedy
27:09knew just how many jokes
27:10we'd be making
27:11about them
27:11a hundred years later?
27:13I think if they did,
27:14maybe they'd say worth it.
27:15I just,
27:15I have to say,
27:16I really feel like
27:17you're not considering
27:18people who are banned
27:19from the beach at day,
27:20which is me
27:23because I'm not allowed
27:24to go
27:24because my pussy
27:25kept falling out
27:26of my bathing suit
27:28and the lifeguards
27:29wouldn't look me
27:29in the eyes.
27:30So if I want to go
27:31to the beach,
27:32I have to go at night.
27:33I don't think that's fair.
27:34Also, I want to mention,
27:36you keep mentioning
27:36my favorite dip,
27:38Hubris.
27:41And now I'm starving,
27:43girl.
27:44Come on, girl.
27:46I also think,
27:48listen,
27:48you brought up AI.
27:49I think we have to go
27:50to the beach now
27:51while it still exists.
27:53Yeah.
27:53It's slowly melting
27:55or whatever.
27:58So I think we got to
27:59enjoy it 24-7
28:00until it melts
28:01into the ice caps
28:03or whatever the fuck
28:03is happening.
28:04So we got to go
28:06at night.
28:06We could watch TV
28:08at night.
28:08I feel like the last
28:09part of your presentation
28:10was basically,
28:11why don't you kill
28:11yourself at home?
28:13And that's time!
28:16Our next abolitionist
28:18hosts the show
28:18Out There
28:19on Morning Brew,
28:20which you can watch
28:20right here on Nebula.
28:22Let's hear it for
28:22Macy Gilliam.
28:33Hi.
28:40Oh, were you waiting
28:42for me to say
28:42something else?
28:43Was that an insane
28:44way to start this?
28:47Abolish texting me
28:48just high.
28:57Now, as you see here,
28:59according to Google.com,
29:00there are many
29:01purposes of communication.
29:03Which one of these
29:04is accomplished
29:04by texting me
29:05just hi?
29:06And don't say
29:07social interaction
29:08or relationship building.
29:09Many of you will say,
29:10Macy, your friends
29:11just want to talk to you.
29:12Just let them start
29:13with the small talk
29:14and the pleasantries.
29:16It's nice to do that.
29:18Wrong-o!
29:19It is rude
29:19to waste my time
29:20and make me say
29:21hi back
29:22and then you say
29:22how are you
29:23and then I say
29:23good, how are you
29:24and then you get
29:25to your point.
29:28In the time it takes
29:29you to get to your point,
29:30I have already had
29:31a full-blown panic attack
29:33because you obviously
29:35hate me.
29:37I have felt like
29:38I am in trouble
29:39for 25 straight years.
29:42I am a bad person
29:43a lot of the time.
29:45Every time you text me
29:46just hi,
29:47I think that I'm
29:48getting caught.
29:51Texting me hi
29:52is inefficient,
29:53potentially dangerous
29:54and it scares me.
29:56Writing used to be important
29:58because resources
29:59were scarce
29:59and to send a message
30:00required someone
30:01traveling hundreds of miles.
30:04Imagine,
30:04you've been waiting
30:05for months
30:06for your deadbeat
30:06war general husband
30:08to send you
30:09a sign of life.
30:09And finally,
30:11you see the courier
30:12approaching in the distance
30:13and you know
30:14that you'll know
30:15what has been going on
30:16in your husband's life
30:17for months.
30:17This courier
30:18has traveled miles
30:19through battles,
30:20uphill,
30:21in the snow,
30:21both ways.
30:23And finally,
30:24you get the letter,
30:25you open it up
30:26and it just says,
30:28hi.
30:29You would go insane.
30:31Do you know
30:31what happened to women
30:32that went insane then?
30:33They killed them.
30:34Now you're dead.
30:37Let's take a look
30:38at some of the most important
30:39written messages
30:40in human history
30:41and see what would have
30:42happened in an alternate universe.
30:44Good people of the audience,
30:45I present to you,
30:48you nebula freaks,
30:50I knew you would know it.
30:53This is the world's oldest
30:55customer complaint.
30:58Women with the Karen haircut,
31:00insane product reviews,
31:02they all stemmed
31:02from this beautiful
31:03and important piece of text.
31:05This Sumerian clay tablet
31:07was sent from Nani
31:08in Dilmun
31:09to a copper seller
31:10named Ir Nasir
31:11in a city called
31:12Ur,
31:13566 miles away
31:14to complain that
31:15the copper Nani
31:16was sold
31:17was insultingly low quality.
31:19To travel 566 miles
31:21in Mesopotamia
31:22would take about a month.
31:24So if Nani
31:25had written a tablet
31:25saying,
31:26hi.
31:33And Ir Nasir responded,
31:34hi.
31:37And Nani responded,
31:39what's up?
31:41And Ir Nasir responded,
31:43not much,
31:44how about you?
31:45And Nani said,
31:46actually I have some feedback
31:47about the copper
31:47that you sold me.
31:48Imagine how many
31:49ancient mailmen
31:50would have had to die
31:51before Nani
31:51got to the fucking point.
31:58Imagine if our
31:59founding fathers
32:00had started with
32:01hi.
32:03The Declaration
32:04of Independence
32:09already took
32:10five to eight weeks
32:11to reach England.
32:12At 1320 words
32:15and 10 to 16 weeks
32:16round trip
32:17for messages
32:17and response,
32:18we would spend
32:20406 years
32:21discussing it.
32:22And imagine
32:23how miserable
32:24it would be
32:25if we were still
32:25trying to figure out
32:26what the Constitution said.
32:37I love those guys.
32:39Like Nani
32:40and our founding fathers,
32:41Nicole,
32:42Snooki,
32:42Polizzi
32:45had hard truths
32:47to deliver to someone
32:47who was not ready
32:48to hear them.
32:50Namely,
32:55she had to tell Sam
32:57that her boyfriend
32:57Ron had,
32:58quote,
32:59made out with two girls
33:00and put his head
33:01between a cocktail
33:02waitress's breasts,
33:03among other infractions.
33:06And now imagine
33:08with me
33:08that Snooki
33:09had started the note
33:10to Sam
33:10with just hi.
33:11Sam would have
33:12taken even longer
33:12to break up with Ron
33:13than she did.
33:15Sam is currently
33:16engaged
33:17with a baby
33:18on the way.
33:18Would that baby
33:19even be born
33:20if Snooki
33:21had been so lazy
33:22to just start
33:22her message
33:23with hi?
33:24A child's life
33:25hangs in the balance.
33:28Abolish texting me
33:29just hi.
33:30I yield my time.
33:37It's funny
33:38that you say
33:38a child's life
33:39hangs in the balance
33:40because if a guy
33:41texts me hi,
33:42I'm pregnant.
33:43That is an immediate
33:45absolutely pregnant.
33:48The thing is,
33:49I wish
33:51the Declaration
33:52of Independence
33:53and whatever it's called
33:54and the Constitution
33:55or whatever
33:57started with hi
33:58because I would have
33:59actually read it.
34:01And that's important
34:02because I work
34:02in the government
34:03so I should have
34:04read it.
34:05You also need to get
34:06on my level
34:07a little bit here
34:08because hi
34:09could have been
34:10the beginning
34:11of a message
34:12someone's trying
34:13to send you
34:14when something
34:14really insane
34:15happens to them.
34:16They could be
34:16sending you
34:17something like
34:18hip, gorgeous,
34:19curvy,
34:20the many ways
34:21I would describe you,
34:22Jamie.
34:23Do you want to
34:24grab some chips
34:24and hubris?
34:26But like
34:27right when he's
34:29texting me that,
34:30his submarine
34:31blows up
34:35underground
34:36and
34:38I think technically
34:40it imploded
34:40so they were
34:41kind of squished.
34:42Right.
34:43So I'm just saying
34:43we need to give
34:44them some credit
34:45because it could
34:46have been
34:47a really awesome
34:48text if that
34:49whole thing
34:50hadn't happened.
34:52Literally,
34:53hi has never
34:54been anything
34:54other than
34:55let's fuck.
34:56Let's be honest.
34:57If I'm getting
34:58a hi text message,
35:00it's the guy
35:00who lives a block
35:01away from me
35:02saying hi,
35:03he wants to come over.
35:04That's how my phone works.
35:05That's usually
35:06not what I mean
35:06when I text my father.
35:07And
35:09I will say
35:10if you're against this,
35:11what the fuck
35:12do you want me
35:12to text him instead,
35:13huh?
35:13I got nothing
35:14to say to the guy.
35:17He said,
35:18I say hi,
35:19he says hello.
35:21We talked for the year.
35:22That's what
35:22Wordle is for.
35:24You just send
35:25the score,
35:25you send no content,
35:26you just send
35:27Wordle's score.
35:28My dad doesn't
35:29speak English
35:29so you're racist.
35:31Wow.
35:32Wow.
35:33Wow.
35:34Wow.
35:34You don't like hi,
35:35how do you feel
35:36about hola?
35:38Oh, hola.
35:39Oh, do you hate hola?
35:42Fuck you guys.
35:45I like hola better.
35:46That's why it wasn't
35:47about hola.
35:48Ever think of that?
35:49Ever think of that?
35:50Really?
35:50Okay, one of your friends
35:52who has never spoken
35:53Spanish in their entire life
35:54texts you hola.
35:55What are you thinking now?
35:56I love when my friends
35:56pick up new hobbies.
35:57I love when they
35:58try to better themselves.
36:00Um, your dad
36:01texts me hi all the time,
36:02so.
36:02Oh.
36:04And I'm fucking him,
36:05so.
36:06I asked you not
36:07to bring that up.
36:08Oh, yeah,
36:09your dad too.
36:10Um.
36:12These people
36:13are trying to trap you.
36:16What?
36:16They send a gentle hi
36:17to trap you
36:18in small talk
36:19to get something
36:20out of you.
36:21And if you take away
36:22this obvious ploy,
36:24they will just
36:24go straight to it.
36:25They'll say,
36:26fuck you.
36:28Do you want
36:29a bunch of texts
36:30that are like,
36:30I want more
36:31than just salad.
36:32I want to eat
36:33a real meal.
36:34You're a bad father.
36:36You're a bad father.
36:37I hate you.
36:38Out of my life.
36:39Get out of my life.
36:40Get out.
36:42I'm sick of what this is.
36:43Whatever this is,
36:44is a
36:46Mickey Mac in the Valley
36:47and piece of shit
36:48garbage life.
36:49You know what?
36:49I could see myself
36:50texting that to my dad.
36:52That's a tie.
36:55Are you ready
36:55for your final
36:56abolitionist of the night?
37:00Our final abolitionist
37:01has had her work
37:02featured on Netflix,
37:03Comedy Central,
37:04ABC, and NPR.
37:05And she co-hosts
37:06the Go Touch Grass podcast.
37:08Put your hands together
37:09for Millie Tameres.
37:24Hello, everyone.
37:25We've had a lot of fun
37:27here tonight.
37:28A lot of laughs.
37:30A lot of love.
37:32Sadly, I'm here to talk
37:33about something serious.
37:36Discrimination.
37:41Can someone
37:42TikTok clip it?
37:45Clip it for TikTok.
37:48Clip it for TikTok now.
37:56What I was going to say
37:58before someone stood up
38:01was that discrimination
38:03is wrong
38:04and bad.
38:07Can I get a boo
38:08from discrimination?
38:10Let's boo!
38:11Boo discrimination!
38:14I'm sorry.
38:16Now, I am qualified
38:17to talk about discrimination
38:19because guess what?
38:20I'm a woman
38:21of color
38:24who is also fat.
38:27I know
38:28firsthand
38:29what it's like
38:30to be judged
38:31not on your character
38:33but on frivolous things
38:35that don't matter.
38:36Okay?
38:37There's a group of people
38:39who think that
38:41just because
38:42they have something
38:43that other people
38:44don't,
38:45they feel like
38:46they are given
38:47the God-given right
38:48to rule over everyone,
38:50to make all the rules.
38:52A group of people
38:53who are in fact
38:54the global minority.
38:57People who taunt others
38:58who are not like them
38:59and exclude them
39:01from communicating
39:02in larger group activities.
39:03What if there was
39:04a way
39:05to stop this behavior?
39:07Get rid of the thing
39:08that divides us.
39:10Abolish iPhones!
39:15Abolish them!
39:17Enough!
39:20Let me fucking
39:22talk to you
39:23about discrimination.
39:25Okay?
39:26Because as a woman
39:28of color
39:29who is fat,
39:30I have never
39:32been discriminated
39:33like I have
39:35in my entire life
39:36than when people
39:37find out
39:38I have an Android.
39:43Oh, that's fine.
39:45And for what?
39:47Why?
39:48Because of the color
39:49of my texts?
39:52Guys,
39:54the blue and green
39:55text thing,
39:56that's iPhone's fault.
39:58The green text
40:00were part of
40:00RCS,
40:02Rich Communication Systems,
40:04an updated version
40:05of SMS,
40:06that Android
40:07released
40:07in 2018.
40:13Apple refused
40:13to update it
40:15for seven years.
40:17Now today
40:18is when the texts
40:19are finally RCS.
40:21They framed it
40:22as an Android problem,
40:23but it was really
40:24an iPhone problem.
40:26Does that sound familiar?
40:29Familiar to you?
40:31Familiar to all y'all?
40:32Fuck your blue texts!
40:35Speaking of part
40:36of the problem,
40:38it wasn't until
40:38the European Union
40:40had to pass
40:42a law
40:43in December
40:442024
40:45that the iPhone
40:47finally changed
40:48the fucking cables
40:49ten years
40:50after Android
40:51had
40:52USB-C's.
40:54Okay?
40:55And now,
40:56Apple has committed
40:58the worst sin,
40:59which is making me
41:00cheer Europe.
41:01I fucked up!
41:04Let's boo that!
41:05Boo!
41:06Boo!
41:07Boo!
41:08Finally,
41:09and this is the most
41:09important part,
41:11I need you guys
41:11to lock in for this
41:12because this is when
41:13it gets vulnerable.
41:16This is me.
41:18I'm verified
41:18on Instagram.
41:21I've written for
41:23canceled TV shows.
41:27I have several
41:28reply guys.
41:33I am the
41:34perfect candidate
41:35for Raya,
41:38an invitation-only
41:40dating app.
41:42Okay?
41:44Where
41:44it's full of
41:45micro-influencers
41:46like me
41:47and white finance
41:49guys.
41:50But you know
41:51why I'm not on Raya?
41:53It's not because
41:54of my accomplishments.
41:55It's because Raya
41:56doesn't accept
41:56androids.
42:00So now,
42:01I have to go
42:02on Hinge
42:03with all the
42:03fucking normies.
42:14I guess
42:15no love for me.
42:18No love for me.
42:19Nothing.
42:20Because I have
42:20a fucking android.
42:23Now,
42:23I know what
42:24you're going
42:24to say.
42:25Millie,
42:26just buy
42:27an iPhone.
42:29Do you know
42:30how offensive
42:30that is?
42:31Yeah.
42:32Do you know
42:33how offensive
42:33that sounds?
42:34It's like,
42:35Millie,
42:35just lose weight.
42:37Millie,
42:38just straighten
42:38your hair.
42:40Just get
42:40Lasix.
42:42Just get
42:43braces and
42:43clothes,
42:44that adorable
42:44gap-toothed
42:45smile that
42:47is endearing
42:47and brings
42:48people in.
42:49Just change
42:50everything about
42:51yourself that
42:53makes you you
42:54to assimilate
42:55to other
42:56people's shit,
42:57to make your
42:57presence better
42:58for other
42:59people,
43:00right?
43:00That's what
43:00they want
43:01while I say
43:01no.
43:02No.
43:03No.
43:07No more,
43:08no more
43:09corporate greed.
43:10No more
43:11separate app store.
43:13Can you believe
43:14that?
43:14There's an app
43:15store that says
43:15androids only
43:16in 2025.
43:17That's fucked up.
43:19No more
43:20extra cables.
43:21No more
43:22judgment.
43:23You know why?
43:24Because iPhone
43:25is discrimination.
43:27iPhone is greed.
43:29iPhone is
43:30monarchy.
43:33Abolish iPhones.
43:40Come at me.
43:41Let's go.
43:41Let's fucking go.
43:43Sorry,
43:44it's hard to tell you.
43:45All I can see
43:45when you talk
43:46is a green bubble
43:47over your head.
43:48Wow.
43:48So you're projecting
43:50your blindness,
43:51your color blindness
43:53on me.
43:53You're acting
43:54like you're
43:55preaching individualism
43:56while supporting
43:57the second biggest
43:58phone maker
43:58in the entire world.
44:00It's actually
44:01the first biggest
44:02and the fact
44:02that you think
44:03it's the second
44:04is where your mind
44:05is all crossed.
44:06And guess what?
44:07There's no ethical
44:08consumption
44:09in capitalism.
44:10Next argument.
44:11Let's go.
44:12Millie.
44:13This one is like
44:14not even in a character
44:15right now.
44:15I disagree with you.
44:17This is like
44:17someone who says,
44:18hey,
44:18I know you all
44:19like cars.
44:19I like to get
44:20around in a unicycle.
44:21Why don't the streets
44:22accommodate me?
44:23Unicycle?
44:24Excuse me?
44:25Yeah.
44:25Excuse me?
44:26First of all,
44:27I'm sorry.
44:27I've tried using
44:27an Android.
44:28It's an inferior phone.
44:30You're an inferior person.
44:31That's a personal problem.
44:33That's a personal problem.
44:35I'm sorry.
44:35Okay.
44:36I'm sorry I care
44:37about the environment.
44:38Oh, you care?
44:38What do you mean
44:39you care about the environment?
44:40Cars are bad.
44:40I'm sorry.
44:41Millie.
44:41Cars are bad.
44:42Let's give it up
44:43for the group.
44:44Fuck you.
44:44Millie, listen.
44:46When Millie and I met,
44:47we were very young.
44:49We were,
44:49it was 12 years ago,
44:502013.
44:50It was last month.
44:52When we met,
44:53I had an Android
44:54and I have since
44:55crossed over to the iPhone
44:56and I think
44:57You see how fame
44:58changes people?
44:59You see how fame
45:00changes?
45:01This is all about that.
45:02You know what?
45:03But that's what
45:04that's what you're saying.
45:05From 2013,
45:06I'm the same bitch.
45:08I'm the same bitch.
45:09I forgive you.
45:09You're the one
45:10that got on Facebook.
45:10I forgive you.
45:12I just want to say
45:13I forgive you.
45:14Can I ask
45:14what program
45:15is running
45:16this slideshow
45:17right now?
45:18I'm sorry.
45:19PowerPoint is like
45:19or something.
45:20history books?
45:21Who makes the history?
45:23The fucking colonizers?
45:25I'm sorry.
45:27Oh, okay.
45:28Why do we all
45:29get Christmas off?
45:31Oh, why do we
45:32learn line dancing?
45:34Why do the books
45:35have slavery
45:35at all anymore?
45:36Guys, what is this?
45:38Excuse me?
45:40I shouldn't even.
45:41Oh, do you have
45:42something to say?
45:43I can't even.
45:44I just want to say
45:45it's Microsoft PowerPoint
45:46on a MacBook.
45:48Well, and there you go.
45:50And that's real life.
45:51And that's real life.
45:53We're not segmented.
45:55We're not divided.
45:55We're on everything.
45:56I have a just
45:57actual question
45:59about
46:01Androids.
46:02Do they do that thing
46:03where on an iPhone
46:04when you are getting
46:06a code for something,
46:07when you get a text code
46:08that's like
46:09your code for Raya,
46:11which I was
46:12denied from,
46:15your code for Raya
46:16is 4598.
46:18And then when you're
46:18on the browser,
46:19it instantly says
46:21from messages
46:224598.
46:23So does Droid do that?
46:24I have to tell you,
46:26and this is real,
46:27the nerds know,
46:29Android did it first.
46:30Android did it first.
46:32Sorry.
46:33I just want to go back
46:34to the reply guys
46:35you showed.
46:36Yeah.
46:36When are you going to get
46:37back to me about the toes?
46:39Yeah.
46:40Please bring up
46:41my Hinge profile.
46:42I know for a fact
46:44this is a fraud.
46:47Yeah.
46:47That's what all men
46:48that get caught on him
46:49say.
46:50No, no, no.
46:50That's what all men
46:51that get caught on him
46:52say.
46:53it claims I like
46:54Goodreads.
46:55Goodreads doesn't have
46:56coloring books.
46:57I don't know how to read,
46:59Millie.
46:59You thought it was a
47:00porn for clarinets,
47:01so shut the fuck up.
47:03Thank you for the
47:04bad nerds that know
47:05that joke.
47:06But you're like someone
47:07who comes to the soccer
47:08game and says,
47:08can I play with my hands?
47:09And it's like,
47:10well, that's not the
47:11world that we live in.
47:12Well, I'm sure that
47:12the white only water
47:14fountains tasted good.
47:15Wait, when do you
47:16try the iPhone only ones?
47:18Yeah, I'm sure that
47:19all of them were great.
47:20I just want to say,
47:21I don't care that I was
47:22denied from Raya.
47:24And it's time!
47:28Can we please get all
47:29of our abolitionists
47:30back to the stage?
47:32Phil Jameson,
47:34Cara Michelle Smith,
47:37Macy Gilliam,
47:38and Millie Tameres.
47:44We're now going to
47:45decide what we are
47:46going to abolish.
47:47It is going to be
47:48based on audience
47:49reaction, whoever gets
47:50the loudest reaction,
47:51based on a proprietary
47:52piece of Abolish
47:53Everything technology,
47:54the Chirometer 3000.
47:59Whoever wins will
48:01receive this counterfeit
48:02bag of cash with no
48:03monetary value and an
48:06invitation to our world
48:07championship season
48:08finale.
48:08Okay.
48:09Who thinks that we
48:10should abolish writing
48:11down ideas in your
48:12notes app at night?
48:18Who thinks we should
48:19abolish the beach at
48:21night?
48:27Who thinks that we
48:28should abolish just
48:28texting hi?
48:47And who thinks that we
48:50should abolish just texting
48:52hi?
48:58Who thinks we should abolish
49:03iPhones?
49:09And the data shows me that
49:11we have abolished just
49:13texting hi.
49:26Thank you so much to all of
49:28our abolitionists.
49:32A hearty fuck you to the
49:34political establishments.
49:39And thank you for watching on
49:41Nebula.
49:43We'll see you next time.
49:45Good night.
49:46Next time, it's the second
49:47annual Abolish Everything
49:49World Championship.
49:50Every winner from season two
49:52is back, except for those
49:54with scheduling conflicts.
49:55Come back to find out who
49:56wins it all and why Josh
49:58ends up shirtless.
50:00We'll see you next time.
50:34We'll see you next time.
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