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00:04So, officer number, how's recruitment?
00:07A recruitment drive focusing on a more diverse workforce
00:10hasn't quite had the returns we hoped for.
00:13Really? Despite our excellent poster campaign?
00:18If that doesn't say diversity, I don't know what does.
00:23Perhaps it doesn't quite reflect that diversity
00:27is more than just race and gender.
00:29OK. Well, maybe for all future diversity drives
00:33we should make our definition of diversity more diverse.
00:37Personally, I don't care where they come from.
00:39As long as they can bench press 220
00:41and chase after the wee bam that dipped your purse.
00:44It's all about budget. We can't go to the moon on a two-barb rocket.
00:47Don't worry. Justice will understand.
00:51Targets, they're an ideal objective.
00:54If there's one thing the Scottish Government knows about,
00:56it's missing targets.
01:01There's been a cabinet reshuffle.
01:03Nadim's out.
01:13Oh, morning, Chief.
01:15Hello, Helen.
01:17Nice to meet you.
01:18Actually, we've met before.
01:20Oh, have we?
01:21Yes, at the Visibility for Women conference.
01:24Oh, yes. So we have. I remember now.
01:29Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there.
01:32Just in here.
01:33Thank you so much.
01:34Um, Helen.
01:36Helen.
01:36Helen. Thank you.
01:39Hail to the big fish.
01:43Ah, I'd only just got used to you in justice and now here you are in your watery grave.
01:51That is your largemouth bass, Chief.
01:54Freshwater.
01:54Ray Fend.
01:55Part of the Sunfish family.
01:57Well, I am impressed.
01:59I'm a quick study, Chief.
02:01Now take us so on, Halwa.
02:02Oh, we're not celebrating this, are we?
02:04Why not?
02:06Look on the bright side.
02:07I mean, Fisheries is the only department I haven't run yet.
02:10Well, I mean, I had it as part of farming and ferries, but never solo.
02:14Anyway, enough about fish.
02:16Unless you want to pop down to the Balmoral and wolf down a few older.
02:19Are both smokies?
02:20Oh, I would love to.
02:22But I've got to go and meet your replacement.
02:24What's he like?
02:25McGuck.
02:26Young.
02:28Ambitious.
02:29Ruthless.
02:30Any tips?
02:32Aye.
02:32Be straight.
02:34White.
02:35Privileged.
02:35And powerful.
02:36I'll do my best.
02:40That's your only one o'clock call.
02:43Gudmundar Gudmundsdottir, my Icelandic counterpart.
02:46Pickled herring import quarters.
02:48That's my life now.
02:50Let's try and enjoy it.
02:51Enjoy yours.
02:52I shall.
02:59Gudmundar Gudmundar.
03:00For Christ's sake.
03:09Ah, Chief.
03:10Come in.
03:11I'm just finishing a tanky power walk.
03:14Well, delighted to meet you, Xander.
03:17Minister.
03:18And I prefer stand-up meetings.
03:20Oh!
03:20Well.
03:21As do I.
03:23Minister.
03:23Big fitness man myself.
03:26Particularly off the national game.
03:28The golf.
03:28Maybe we could hit the links sometime.
03:30Don't golf.
03:31I'm a squash guy.
03:32Ah.
03:32Love squash.
03:34I'll book us a pitch.
03:35Room.
03:36Square.
03:36Court.
03:36Chief.
03:37Let's park the BS, yeah?
03:41Ah, Chief.
03:42Does your police force want a bigger budget?
03:45Bigger.
03:48What?
03:48Bigger as in?
03:50More.
03:53What?
03:54More than before?
03:57Well, obviously we would very much welcome-
04:01So just to clarify, by more, do you mean more?
04:06More money?
04:08More funds.
04:09Look, we-
04:10We want to back the bobbies and the bee.
04:13Okay?
04:13To protect the Scottish people.
04:14But, we've got to work to a zero-sum budget.
04:18Well.
04:19Yes, of course.
04:20That goes without saying.
04:22Remind me, a zero-sum budget is-
04:24Well, we strip out the fat.
04:26Build up the muscle.
04:27Get lean.
04:29Justify every penny of spend.
04:32Just a word of warning as regards the budget.
04:35There are-
04:35There are a lot of code words in there.
04:38You know, for security reasons.
04:40I mean, pastries, for example.
04:42Pastries doesn't actually refer to pastry.
04:44Together, we'll ditch anything unnecessary.
04:48I mean, why hug a hoodie?
04:49When that hoodie should be huggled.
04:51Yeah?
04:52This-
04:54This is Project Proper Policing.
04:58Yeah.
04:59And this project gets a proper police endorsement.
05:03Right.
05:05Just-
05:06Well, yes.
05:08I will book the squash table.
05:10Pitch.
05:10Room.
05:11Square.
05:12Court.
05:13Ha!
05:16Minister!
05:21You recently came top in a nationwide survey of public funded bodies.
05:26Do you feel valued at work?
05:28Every penny I spend goes towards nabbing the wee fud that pissed through your letterbox and set fire to your
05:34bins.
05:35I do greatly value your work.
05:37Both of you.
05:38But we-
05:39We have to find trims somewhere.
05:42If we're going to justify our bigger budget, we need to pinpoint where we might find unjustified spend.
05:49Your lunch from the seafood shed.
05:52Ah!
05:52Sorry it's late and they apologise, but the hand-dived scallops are foreign.
05:57Ah!
05:58I'll slum it.
06:05Well, team, carry on.
06:07Cuts!
06:07Cuts, cuts!
06:08Justify!
06:09Justify!
06:10Justify!
06:13So, with a new broom in the cabinet, is it time then to tackle the unnecessary use of police funds?
06:20Unnecessary is a pretty strong word, Connie.
06:23We channel every public penny towards vital police initiatives.
06:29Really?
06:29Okay.
06:30I've got a direct quote here from your new justice minister who says,
06:33Chief Commissioner Mickelson agrees with me that there is a lot of waste in the police budget
06:38and shares my desire to slash unnecessary spending.
06:42Did he say that?
06:44Did he say that I said that?
06:47Did you say that he said that I said that?
06:49He said it 20 minutes ago in a TV interview.
06:52Well, I welcome your question about what I said, Connie.
06:57And when it comes to what I said, I would never actually say that I never actually said that.
07:06Saying that sort of thing is exactly the sort of thing I would say if I were saying something like
07:14that.
07:15So you did say what he said you said.
07:17What I will say is this.
07:20The justice minister and I are committed to saying a whole raft of things in the future.
07:27Prioritising keeping all spending non-profligated.
07:37Come on, Chief.
07:39I thought you were a squash guy.
07:42Jeez.
07:49Good shot.
07:50Minister, you're set.
07:52Yeah.
07:53Whoo!
07:53That was some proper squashing.
07:55Erdogan Connie's show.
07:56You were getting your arse handed to you there as well.
07:59She did serve me a pretty curvy curveball, you know.
08:02I didn't actually say what you said I say.
08:06What does it matter?
08:07If I say you said it, then you said it.
08:11I didn't actually say it, you know.
08:13There are such things as fact.
08:16There's no such things as fact, right?
08:18The truth is fluid.
08:20Just get our message out there.
08:21Yeah.
08:22Well, next time just warn me what messaging you want out where and when.
08:27Project proper policing.
08:29Backed by project proper budget.
08:33Yeah.
08:34If you step up and trim the fat.
08:40Way out with that.
08:45I am the Ozempic of budgetary planning, transforming us into a lean, mean crime-fighting machine.
08:52Oh yeah?
08:53Tell me deets.
08:54Deets.
08:55Oh, details.
08:57Well, the police shinty team won't be getting that new minibus.
09:01Pennies.
09:03Peanuts.
09:03Peanuts.
09:04Come on.
09:05Where are the big fat wads?
09:08Ditch whole departments.
09:10Whole departments?
09:11Well, we're a tightly integrated unit.
09:14We're a family.
09:15A family?
09:16Yeah.
09:17You're the police force.
09:20We agreed.
09:20Blood and thunder.
09:22Boots on the ground.
09:23None of this wishy-washy, touchy-feely hand-holding pish.
09:28Huh?
09:30I've never seen diversity, equity or inclusion arrest anyone.
09:34Hmm?
09:35Okay.
09:36Well, we'll look for trims in all departments.
09:40Yeah.
09:40Get on it.
09:41We need this done by the next finance round.
09:44Right?
09:44I'm a big fan of Momentum, Chief.
09:46Now, serve.
09:48I'm a big fan of Momentum too, Minister!
09:50Oh!
09:52Sorry.
09:55Ah!
09:56Ah!
09:57Ah!
09:59Ah!
10:00Ah!
10:02Ah!
10:03Ah!
10:04Shift up.
10:06You okay, Dad?
10:07Yeah.
10:08I just...
10:09Ah!
10:09Oh!
10:10Oof!
10:11Heard you on the radio.
10:12When are you going to find these cuts?
10:14Your salary?
10:16Well, you know, if it came to that, I'd certainly consider considering it.
10:20I know where you could save money by making cuts.
10:23Right.
10:24I'm open to suggestions.
10:26The police.
10:27Well, no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
10:30But we're thinking of first looking at the police choir.
10:33They'll come for DEI.
10:35They always do.
10:36Not on my watch.
10:37I am a fierce protector of progressive modernity.
10:42So, ladies, women, people.
10:45Who's tonight's author?
10:48Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
10:49Ah!
10:50Yes.
10:51Yes.
10:51Personal favourite of mine.
10:53Love her work.
10:54Proceed.
10:56Is Chimamanda writing from a historical Marxist feminist worldview?
11:02Or do we bracket her in a more modern intersectional eco-feminist?
11:10Dad?
11:15A bit of both?
11:19Look at that, Pop.
11:21That's how much it costs to neuter all the dogs in the police force.
11:26It's counterproductive.
11:27Just let them breed.
11:28We'll get free dogs.
11:31What's the matter, Pop?
11:32Justice Department have been in touch.
11:34List five ways to justify your job.
11:37Ah!
11:37Figureheads, law enforcer, justice dispenser, hero and icon.
11:42What?
11:42Not just you.
11:43It landed in everybody's inbox at 6am.
11:46OK.
11:47OK.
11:48We've all got the email.
11:50It's just five things per staff member.
11:53We can cover that off, can't we?
11:55Forcing people to justify their existence is just plain wrong.
11:59It should be voluntary.
12:00I've already done 50.
12:0150?
12:02When?
12:03Battered them out on the exercise bike.
12:05And I'm about to batter out 50 more.
12:08Well done, Muldoon.
12:10Sorry.
12:1250?
12:13Lindsay.
12:15You've got more than five too.
12:16Just list them.
12:19Play the game.
12:20No.
12:21I'm taking a principled stand.
12:24It might be to your benefit.
12:27And your departments.
12:29So they're coming for me.
12:30For us.
12:31No, no, no, no, no.
12:32No, no, I haven't heard that.
12:34No.
12:34No, there's been no indication of that whatsoever in any way at all.
12:38But if they did, you'd defend me.
12:41Lindsay.
12:42It's me.
12:43The people's chief.
12:45Your chief.
12:47Your department.
12:48It's vital.
12:49Life without you would be like a police car without its Nino.
12:52Five positive measures?
12:54What even is that?
12:55What even is this?
12:55What even am I?
12:56Why am I?
12:56Where is the what or the why?
12:57Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.
12:59Listen.
13:00You do any number of positive things around here, okay?
13:03You answer the phone for the chief.
13:06Dad, wait.
13:07I'll type that out before I forget.
13:08Okay.
13:09See what I've done.
13:10Look at him.
13:11Oh.
13:13Sorry, I forgot.
13:13That's why I came in.
13:15Nadeem is on the line.
13:16Nadeem?
13:18What does the Codfather want now?
13:22Fisheries Minister.
13:24He's coming now?
13:26I owe you some monkfish at the Balmoral for this.
13:29Everyone.
13:30Listen up.
13:32McGuck's on his way.
13:33All hands on deck.
13:46I don't want any excuses.
13:49It's not required.
13:50It's not justified.
13:52Oh.
13:54Minister.
13:54Hello.
13:55I wasn't expecting you.
13:57Ah.
13:57Ah.
13:58Ah.
13:59Vocal arm, chief.
14:03Some eejit put these posters up in your HQ.
14:06Muldoon, get those right in the bin.
14:10Now, since I'm here, any chance you could show me how you're spending Scotland's money?
14:15I'd be delighted.
14:19After the water cannon, we can look at the riot boys' kettling.
14:23They tend to practise on their lunch hour and, er, er...
14:26Oh.
14:27Oh.
14:28I'm sorry.
14:28I'm not wearing my hat.
14:30I...
14:31Apologies.
14:32Back to my office, everyone.
14:34Do we need it, sir?
14:34Well, of course I need my hat, Muldoon.
14:37This is the...
14:37The justice minister, not the photocopier salesman.
14:40He deserves to be treated with respect and...
14:42It's fine, chief.
14:43Let's kick on.
14:44Right.
14:44Are you sure about that?
14:45Because it is actually quicker, I think, Muldoon, isn't it?
14:47If we go back to...
14:49Oh.
14:49What's that?
14:50This is...
14:51Oh!
14:51This, I think, is an awards ceremony for bravery.
14:57One of our heroes recently punched a devil dog.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:05Wow!
15:06Well done!
15:10So, what's this, then?
15:12Oh, thank you for your interest.
15:14This is a team-building workshop.
15:16Right.
15:18So, you're in charge?
15:19Yes.
15:20Lindsay MacLeod, head of...
15:21Many things.
15:22Many, many things.
15:24Diversity, equity and inclusion.
15:27Including those three things.
15:29Although we do refer to it these days as the Department of Danger, Energy and Instinct,
15:34which more clearly represents the work of the department.
15:36And these are serving police officers.
15:39Yes, they are.
15:40So, while one partner is blindfolded, the other provides instructions.
15:44The challenge is to get through the obstacle course and then pick up all these wee ping pong balls
15:49and pop them in the buckets.
15:51Trust.
15:52Yes, the more that the police trust in each other, the more the public trusts the police.
15:58Yes.
15:59So, the water cannon.
16:01And what are these?
16:04Oh, no, these are for our empathy sessions.
16:06Our officers develop their emotional intelligence facts.
16:09How expairs money.
16:11Going on what?
16:12Messing about with ping pong balls and teddy bears.
16:16Er...
16:16No, that's not correct.
16:18No?
16:19No.
16:20Some of them are bunnies.
16:23Chief!
16:24Chief!
16:25Look at me.
16:27I really want to support the police with a bigger budget.
16:31But for that to happen...
16:34Heads must roll.
16:35Yeah.
16:36I mean, heads are already rolling, Minister.
16:39We've already let Big Tam go.
16:42Watching the canteen.
16:43He was so slow putting the tatties scones in the rolls.
16:46Get out of here!
16:47Chief!
16:49It is crystal clear what this organisation doesn't need.
16:53You are a police force.
16:55Not a therapy service.
17:00You know what you need to do, Chief.
17:10You said you would support me.
17:12And I did!
17:13Until, well, certain circumstances arose that somewhat forced my hand.
17:17I...
17:18Well, you're about to find out what life is like without your Nino.
17:23Look, you've done all that you can here.
17:26We're sorted now.
17:27Brand new!
17:29Look, it's temporary.
17:32Look, McGurk.
17:33Look, McGurk.
17:34McGurk won't be here forever.
17:36Remember when the Justice Minister was from the Green Party
17:40and we all had to cycle to work and only eat kale burgers?
17:43Hmm?
17:44We're gonna have a memorable farewell bash for you.
17:47One for the ages, eh?
17:51What can I do?
17:53It's McGurk.
17:54He's the boss.
17:55And he's gone tonto!
17:57Chief.
17:58If I could just correct you one last time.
18:01I don't think you can say that.
18:10Our priority is protecting the Scottish people.
18:14Our zero-sum budget, identified savings in DEI,
18:18and we are no alternative but to take action.
18:20So, Chief Commissioner,
18:22shuttering the police force departments of diversity, equity and inclusion,
18:26is that a necessary step to protect the Scottish people?
18:29Why did you say that?
18:30Because you did.
18:32No, I didn't.
18:33We've just played the clip.
18:35No, you haven't.
18:36But we did.
18:37Well, I didn't hear it.
18:38And I'm sure your listeners didn't either.
18:41This is typical legacy media manipulation.
18:45Take something that doesn't exist,
18:46play it, claim that it does exist,
18:49and then blame me when I point out that it doesn't.
18:51Well, I'm not playing along.
18:53Chief Commissioner,
18:54the Scottish people deserve not to be lied to.
18:56I'll tell you what the Scottish people deserve.
18:58They deserve safer, crime-free streets.
19:02And that is what I intend to deliver.
19:04Perhaps you should concentrate on that, Connie,
19:06rather than semantics.
19:11Pass me away, Ellen.
19:12I've put the oven timer on for your mini-Kievs.
19:15Keeves.
19:16Sorry, mini-Keeves.
19:18Where are you going?
19:18Oh, I'm just popping to Lindsay's leaving-do.
19:23You've sacked your head of diversity.
19:25Well, no, no.
19:26She's...
19:27She's diversified into...
19:30non-employment.
19:31Rickle hard enough, and you can justify anything.
19:35So, ladies.
19:36Women.
19:37People.
19:38Who's tonight's author?
19:40Is it another Chimamanda?
19:41The legend of Faust.
19:43A mortal man with noble intentions,
19:45who sells his soul to Mephistopheles
19:48for earthly pleasures and selfish short-term gain.
19:52But finds only guilt, torment and misery.
19:57You should try Ken Follett.
20:01jenitory Gmail
20:07Eh...
20:08Fellow officers and support staff,
20:11we're here to, uh...
20:12say goodbye to, uh..
20:14Lindsay MacLeod.
20:16A loyal and indes-
20:20loyal servant of the Scottish police force.
20:22But, well, it's on to pastures new for Lindsay,
20:25and I just know that she will thrive, uh,
20:27wherever she goes.
20:29And now someone else will get the benefits of her awareness seminars for the Gaelic language.
20:36So I just wanted to say...
20:45But we're not just here to bid a fond farewell to Lindsay.
20:51No, we are here to celebrate her many achievements.
20:54Only last month.
20:55I know a lot of us benefited from her menopositive and perimenopositive workshops.
21:03I personally am now very perimenopositive.
21:06For a man that is an inclusive and supportive thing to be.
21:11It's not your concern any longer, though.
21:13You don't have any skin in the game.
21:15Can I...
21:16Can I say that?
21:18Sounds a bit slave-y, doesn't it?
21:20It's not, I'm sure.
21:21I think it's probably from golf.
21:23Or is it...
21:24Oh, it's basketball, is it?
21:26But either way, it wouldn't do, would it?
21:27It wouldn't do to be a bit slave-y.
21:30At the leaving do for the head of my diversity, equity and inclusion.
21:39You're not going to help me.
21:40And that's fine, Lindsay.
21:42That's fine.
21:43I respect that, you know?
21:46Sell me down the river.
21:47Oh, no, that one is a bit slave-y.
21:49Sorry.
21:50Yes.
21:51Look, enough of me.
21:52Let's hear from the main man herself.
21:55The woman.
21:56Person.
21:57Lindsay MacLeod.
21:59To everyone.
22:06Thank you to everyone who has supported me here
22:09and has been a friend to me.
22:12This song says everything I want to say.
22:16Oh, my God.
22:29She'll be fine.
22:31She'll thrive.
22:33More than thrive.
22:35And we've got our bigger budget.
22:37Sign-off is imminent.
22:39And that's good for the police.
22:40We are pure muscle.
22:43No fire.
22:45You know when you see two dogs
22:47shagging down by the canal
22:49and the back dog's legs are shaking
22:52and he's straining
22:54and his thighs are pure, smooth muscle?
22:57That's us.
23:01We won't change our logo to that quite yet, but...
23:19And this next song is for everybody else.
23:23This is Suck My Fury by Hate Pusher.
23:27Paul!
23:32Suck My Fury by Hate Pusher.
24:10You're on the right side of history, Chief.
24:13Who knows what we can achieve
24:14now we've got rid of those clowns.
24:17This is only the beginning.
24:20So, what's your next move, killer?
24:22Oh, my next move is for Lindsay.
24:26I'm bringing Lindsay back
24:28and her department.
24:35That was a good one, Chief.
24:37Lindsay.
24:39Wait.
24:40What?
24:41You're being serious?
24:43D-E-I never arrested anybody.
24:46There's more to policing than arrest.
24:49Bullshit.
24:50The Force is arrest.
24:52Who's in the name?
24:53The Force.
24:53Yeah.
24:54The Force is also about...
24:56People, community, support, and respect.
25:00And what's so wrong with people, community,
25:02support, and respect?
25:03Save it for your leaving speech.
25:05Ugh.
25:05You know, I'll have your arse for this.
25:08I'll send you to Thurzo.
25:09Oh, Thurzo!
25:11That's very nice.
25:12I like Thurzo.
25:13Do you know what I like most about Thurzo?
25:14It's golf course, and oh, you're not there!
25:17So I won't have to listen to your
25:19Billy Big Bollocks bullshit.
25:22And your zero-sum budgets, and your slogans, PPP.
25:26You are a proper petty prick.
25:30You know, I thought you had bollocks, Mikkelsen.
25:32Yeah?
25:32I need a man to run my police force.
25:35A proper alpha.
25:36A stag.
25:37A bull.
25:38Not a feeble beta cuck.
25:40Ah, shut up and serve my guck.
25:43It's Minister!
25:55Oh, my God.
26:03Ambulance.
26:04Ambulance.
26:05Ambulance.
26:07No.
26:08Paul.
26:12Paul!
26:13What time has the budget signed off in committee?
26:15Any minute, Chief.
26:16It should be on the website soon.
26:18OK, Paul.
26:18Let me know.
26:19I'll hold.
26:20OK.
26:22We've actually booked this court.
26:24Sorry.
26:25Well, just one minute.
26:27With one final rally, we're almost there.
26:34One minute.
26:36Anything, Paul?
26:38Still nothing.
26:39Nope.
26:40Won't be long.
26:42Hell of a rally.
26:44Oh, wait.
26:45Wait, that's it confirmed.
26:47OK.
26:48The budget's increased.
26:49Yes.
26:50More money!
26:50Thank you, Paul.
26:51Yes!
26:53Oh, I get an ambulance here as soon as possible.
26:56I'll explain later.
26:58Will do.
27:00Oh, no!
27:01Oh, no, he's collapsed!
27:03Help!
27:08Why is it hanging?
27:10You can't say that, Chief.
27:14McGurk looks so fit.
27:16But then, not all vulnerabilities are visible.
27:18I heard about McGurk.
27:20I write here and that.
27:21But at least the turbo tasers have arrived.
27:25Power to the police.
27:30Good to see you're back.
27:31I'm hosting a seminar this afternoon.
27:34Empathy in the workplace, you interested?
27:37Aye.
27:39Sign me up.
27:40I'll be there.
27:55There he is.
27:59There he is.
27:59Back where he belongs.
28:02Oh, terrible news about McGurk.
28:05Terrible.
28:06All thoughts at this time.
28:08And the nation is grateful to you for providing continuity and accepting your old job back.
28:14A little welcome home gift.
28:18So, are we going for lunch?
28:20Monkfish was mentioned.
28:21Oh, my treat.
28:23I'll put it on expenses.
28:25There's plenty in the budget.
28:26Van adventures.
28:30Have a good day.
28:39Have a good day.
28:41Bye, bye.
28:44Bye, bye, bye.
28:46Have a good day.
28:52Bye, bye, bye.
28:54I've been in another night
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