- 2 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
01:00Oh, Bobby, how did we miss that?
01:02Where did that happen?
01:03He's such a slight fellow, I thought there was no chance.
01:06And when I shot up into the air, I had to laugh.
01:10Bob, that's a yellow card.
01:11I'm a bit sad about it, but...
01:13Yeah.
01:14Did you ask for permission?
01:15Yeah.
01:15He got full consent.
01:16Campbell is coming out on the attack.
01:18He's a shark.
01:19OK.
01:20OK, I'm restarting the game.
01:22Oh, God.
01:24Doors.
01:26So we're underway.
01:27Sam picks up Bob, and Bob picks up the first yellow card.
01:32Now we've got a game.
01:34That's some gameplay.
01:35I think Sam Campbell is the man to beat.
01:37Let's restart the game.
01:44Can I lift you up, Sam?
01:46No.
01:47I'm all good.
01:48Thanks, man.
01:54Get involved, everyone.
01:55That was a bit of Nick.
01:57What's your favourite food?
01:59Of all time?
02:00Ever.
02:00Yeah.
02:01Can I be honest?
02:02Yeah.
02:02Easter egg.
02:04Do you think the chocolate's got worse?
02:06It's not as nice as it was.
02:07Definitely worse.
02:08I think it's better than ever.
02:09Amy, you're telling me, you're on death row.
02:11Yeah.
02:11They go, you've got one meal.
02:12Yeah.
02:12You go, can I get an Easter egg?
02:15Yeah, big as you can.
02:17I love scallops.
02:19Scallops?
02:20Yeah, and then someone told me they were mermaid's clit.
02:25What's clitty about them?
02:26It's the texture.
02:27There's a flap on each side.
02:29Also very difficult to find.
02:30Thank God.
02:30I've never been so pleased for a phone to ring.
02:32I'm getting this.
02:33I'm getting this.
02:35Hello.
02:36Hi, could I speak to Bob Mortimer?
02:39Sure.
02:40Bob!
02:41Phone!
02:42Oh.
02:43Oh.
02:44Thanks.
02:46All right.
02:47Bob, could you get David Mitchell to arm wrestle with you?
02:52And if anyone asks why, I call.
02:54Just make up a reason.
02:55Okay.
02:56Thank you very much.
02:57Love you.
02:57Bye.
03:00See how he does it.
03:11How old are your children, David?
03:14One is 10 and one's 20 months.
03:16So you're doing lifting?
03:18Yeah, yeah.
03:19I remember being very strong because of holding children.
03:24Have you got...
03:25No.
03:26No, I'm far too old to have a small child, really.
03:30My body tells me that every day.
03:31I remember when Jim was a parent and we were at a hotel one night and Liam Gallagher was there.
03:40Jim, of course, he's referring to Vic Reeves.
03:43Yes.
03:43Jim Moyer.
03:44And Liam says, Jim, you're not working class.
03:48Jim's not particularly bothered either way, as it were.
03:52Liam said, I fucking arm wrestle you.
03:55Let's see who's most working class.
03:59I would question whether winning an arm wrestle would be complete proof of being working class anyway.
04:06Quite...
04:06It is that the absolute clincher, that basically the working class are the best at arm wrestles.
04:12Can I arm wrestle?
04:14Do you like an arm wrestle?
04:15You go to see which one of us is.
04:16Yes.
04:17Let's say that the victor is very working class.
04:21It's working class, okay.
04:22Don't mind it.
04:23No, I haven't had an arm wrestle for a long time.
04:25Has David Mitchell ever had any physical combatant other than throwing a chest piece?
04:30There's going to be an arm wrestle now.
04:32Oh, wow, arm wrestle.
04:34Arm wrestle.
04:35I knew at some point, David, you were going to start an arm wrestle.
04:38Let's find out if David Mitchell is working class.
04:42Have you always wanted to be working class?
04:44I hope.
04:45No, I'm quite content to be middle class, bourgeois.
04:49If you win, it's going to be a big change in your life.
04:51But it will be interesting.
04:52If this was a movie, this was crash cut to David Mitchell drinking in a Wetherspoon.
04:57Like that?
04:58Okay.
04:59Elbows mustn't lift off the table, boys.
05:02Ready?
05:03One, two, three.
05:05Go on.
05:06Come on.
05:06Come on.
05:07Get stuck in.
05:09Come on, posh boy.
05:10We've got movement.
05:11We've got movement.
05:15He's gone red.
05:16He's gone bright red.
05:17Yes!
05:19Officially.
05:21Working class.
05:22Working class.
05:23How many people are there that can say they've beaten David Mitchell in an arm wrestle?
05:27There's a very elite little group of us.
05:29Probably me and his wife.
05:32Maybe his children.
05:34Come on, then, ladies.
05:35Mud wrestles.
05:37Who knew?
05:39Oh, God.
05:40No way.
05:41Who?
05:41What?
05:44Doors.
05:45Gather round, please.
05:46Have you laughed now?
05:47Have you laughed?
05:48I don't know, Bob.
05:49I don't even know.
05:50It's like farting these days.
05:51I don't even know if I've done it.
05:53Is it a laugh?
05:54Did someone laugh?
05:55Yeah, someone laughed.
05:56Let's have a look.
05:57We've got movement.
05:58Oh!
05:59Yes!
06:01He's gone red.
06:02He's gone bright red.
06:05Die!
06:07Die.
06:08No way.
06:10I forgot.
06:10They don't miss anything.
06:12Completely forgot.
06:14Going to rights.
06:16I thought it might have been me, because this has been going up a little bit.
06:20But, yeah, when your face...
06:22And it was a big old...
06:23Yes.
06:23You're like...
06:24Yes.
06:25You didn't give a shit.
06:28It was really sweet.
06:30I was really enjoying myself.
06:32I was so disappointed at how easily I went...
06:36I just thought that this was, like, an everyday arm wrestle at home.
06:39Just like, oh, well done.
06:42Oh.
06:43I'm going to go back in there, restart the game.
06:45Thanks, Jimmy.
06:46Well done, Jim.
06:47It's anyone's game if these two can go down.
06:52So David's loud grunting was just too much for Diane.
06:55That's a yellow card.
06:58OK, let's restart the game.
07:01Oh, Christ.
07:01Here we go again.
07:02This is relentless.
07:06Is anyone feeling a bit cold?
07:07It feels cold in here, doesn't it?
07:09Do you think it's a bit cold?
07:10It just feels a bit chilly.
07:11Diane, did you have a proper job before you started doing this, like?
07:14I've had loads of jobs, yeah.
07:16I used to pack worming tablets.
07:20Conveyor belt sort of thing.
07:22The packets would give you paper cuts, and then the glue from the packets would seep into the cocks, and
07:29your hands would swell up.
07:31Right.
07:31And you could always tell people that worked at the factory, because they'd be stood at the bus stop with
07:34massive hands.
07:38Did you ever take any homes?
07:41Massive hands?
07:42No.
07:44The, um...
07:46Worming tablet.
07:47No.
07:48I didn't have a dog at the time.
07:51I got big hands once.
07:53Yeah?
07:53Because I'm allergic to penicillin.
07:55Oh, and they puffed up?
07:56Yeah, they went really big.
07:58What did you do when you had your big hands?
08:00Did you put them to any use?
08:01No, at a hospital.
08:03You worked at a hospital?
08:05Oh, you went to a hospital?
08:06I went to a hospital, yeah.
08:07Oh, right, yeah.
08:09If one part of you was going to swell, you know, like, for the fun of it, it's only 48
08:14hours.
08:16Nose.
08:16Lips.
08:18Oh, yeah.
08:18Pay a good money for that.
08:20What would you go for?
08:21What?
08:22What would you go for?
08:33Oh, here he comes.
08:35That's how much that artwork...
08:36Did I miss anything, guys?
08:38You're warmer.
08:39No, no, I went out and had a cigarette.
08:41What are you doing?
08:42No, just to have an inhaler, you see.
08:48It's the only thing that makes me feel better, you know?
08:53What's your quirky statement?
08:55Oh, you're doing Bob all right?
08:56I don't want you to deliver a quirk now.
08:58It's like pigeon scouring.
09:02How you doing, all right?
09:04When I had a cigarette, I just wish I could give it up.
09:07Actually, I sound butcher than my normal voice.
09:12Amy!
09:12Oh, Amy's in trouble, Bob's in trouble.
09:15Reminded me a bit of school, really, you know, me coming over to chat and then everyone just walking away.
09:20Why have you got a coat on?
09:22Because there is a massive bag of helium attached to my back.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:28Happy now?
09:29Is that why you're floating three inches above the ground?
09:32Have you run out of helium?
09:33I used all the helium trying to get a laugh and everyone walked off.
09:37Isn't it very dangerous to have helium?
09:39Yeah, I've had to sign something to say if I die, it's my fault.
09:42My voice didn't really change.
09:45That was the biggest joke.
09:49OK, I think it's time for a joker.
09:50Who do you want to see?
09:52Diane Morgan.
09:53OK.
09:55Shall I get that?
09:56I'll get that.
09:57You'll get that.
10:00Good day.
10:01The penthouse suite of the Laughing Out Loud.
10:04No, it's not called Laughing Out Loud.
10:06What's this show called?
10:07Laugh Out Loud.
10:07Laughing Out Loud.
10:08Last one laughing.
10:09Last one in the laughing area.
10:12Is that...
10:12Sorry, sorry, I've got the wrong number.
10:17Crank caller.
10:18She doesn't know the name of the show she's on.
10:22I mean...
10:24I'll have another go.
10:26Who's phoning?
10:27What's happening?
10:28I don't know, some weirdo phoning us up.
10:31It's just outrageous.
10:33Must remind you of your youth, your dating dates.
10:36Last one laughing.
10:37Oh, hi.
10:38Can I get Diane Morgan, please?
10:40One second.
10:42Diane, there's a phone call for you.
10:44Good luck.
10:46Hello.
10:47Oh, hi, Diane.
10:48Could you go and prepare your joker, please?
10:50Yes, of course.
10:52Are they complaining about how miserable you are?
10:56Oh, that's...
10:57That's cruel, that.
10:58You're starting to get a bit confident, aren't you?
11:01Cocky, I'd say.
11:02Yeah, because you started off and you were, like,
11:03absolutely shitting yourself.
11:08But now you're instigating stuff.
11:09You're even taking the piss.
11:10No.
11:11Yeah?
11:11I'm not.
11:12You're getting...
11:13No way.
11:13You're getting a bit...
11:14Do you know what I mean?
11:15Oh, it's getting fizzy.
11:16It's fizzing up in there now.
11:18Does that mean we have to sit at the sofa?
11:20On the sofa?
11:21Oh, hello.
11:22Oh, here we go.
11:24Guys, is this like the young'uns, Soph?
11:26Hello, Mel.
11:27Can I bring the average age up?
11:28You come over here and be trendy.
11:31I love you young'uns gang.
11:32You're beautiful.
11:33Yeah.
11:44This is Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
11:48by Dylan Thomas.
11:50Do not go gentle into that good night.
11:54Old age should burn and rave at close of day.
11:58Rage.
12:00Rage.
12:00Rage against the dying of the light.
12:08The wise men at their end, no dark is night.
12:12Because their words had forked no lightning day.
12:15Do not go gentle into that good night.
12:21Good men the last wave by.
12:23Crying how bright their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay.
12:28Rage.
12:29Rage.
12:34Against the dying of the light.
12:37Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight
12:40and learned too late they grieved it on its way.
12:43Rage.
12:47It's that one that's got to get them.
12:50Do not go gentle into that good night.
12:53Baby's eyes are watering.
12:55Grave men near death.
12:59Who see with blinding sight.
13:02Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay.
13:08Rage.
13:10Rage.
13:11Rage against the dying of the...
13:13Sorry.
13:14Light.
13:17And you, my father, there on the sad height.
13:21Oh, I've gone.
13:23I've fully gone.
13:25Bless me now.
13:27With your fierce tears, I pray.
13:33Do not go gentle into that good light.
13:36Rage.
13:39Rage.
13:40Rage.
13:40Against the dying of the light.
13:42Rage.
13:44Rage.
13:44Rage.
13:45Oh, God.
13:47I'm sorry.
13:50Emmy's gone.
13:51All right.
13:55Oh, my God.
13:59I was crying.
14:01You farted such a good eye.
14:03Oh, God.
14:03She was like, she was like, she was like evil.
14:06Holy shit.
14:07I was crying.
14:10Not only was she farting, she was keeping really awkward eye contact with everyone, which is a skill in itself.
14:18That was such a great laugh.
14:20And she survived right to the end of the poem.
14:24Baby, that was frightening.
14:26You know when you laugh so, like, your body thinks you're sad?
14:30It started to feel painful to not be able to laugh.
14:33And then the sound came out of me that was a bit demonic.
14:37That was terrific.
14:39Thanks, David.
14:41That means a lot coming from you.
14:42The nature, the choice of farts and fart timing is immaculate.
14:49Thanks, David.
14:51That's it.
14:52That's it.
14:52That's my favourite.
14:54Simple.
14:55Doors.
14:56Oh, here we go.
14:57I don't want anyone to think I'm being overly harsh.
15:00But if you watch very carefully, I think you'll agree.
15:04Is it Mel?
15:05Just have a look.
15:06Okay.
15:07Rage against the dying of the night.
15:10No!
15:12Oh, God!
15:14I'm sorry!
15:18With the tears!
15:19She's got little tears!
15:21You're several seconds into it before it stops looking like grief.
15:26It still feels a bit sad in my soul.
15:29I brought in a yellow card.
15:31We were going to bring in an exorcist.
15:34What was that noise?
15:35I mean, I don't want to be that guy, but you've got a weird laugh.
15:39I just...
15:40I just was holding it in for so long and I didn't even know when it came out.
15:45I've not put that yellow card away.
15:48No way!
15:48No way!
15:49W-T-F.
15:51This one is a little bit more subtle, although all other laughter is subtle compared to that.
15:56Oh, my God!
15:57Let's have a look.
15:58Rage against the dying of the...
16:00Sorry.
16:01And you, my father, there on the sad height.
16:05Oh!
16:07That was a definite smile and a...
16:09So, that's a yellow card.
16:10Oh!
16:11I felt the laugh.
16:12It was there.
16:13I literally felt it just...
16:15It was a great move from Morgan.
16:18You've got to recognise game, haven't you?
16:20So far on yellow cards, Bemi, Maisie, Diane, Bob.
16:25I'm going to go and restart the game.
16:26Wow!
16:28Doors!
16:30That was great.
16:31You.
16:32You're going for me.
16:34I know you are.
16:35Right back at you.
16:36The first two minutes.
16:37Car, right back at you.
16:40So, as Bemi and Maisie get their first yellow cards, we're left wondering,
16:44what did Diane Morgan have for lunch?
16:47Kevin, let's restart the game.
16:52Very brat, isn't it?
16:54It is brat.
16:55It's very brat.
16:56You across that, Bob? Brat?
16:58Was that...
16:58Yes.
16:59Wasn't there a brat summer?
17:00We had a brat summer.
17:01I got asked to say that for radio and I had no idea what...
17:05Do you want to say it now?
17:06What am I saying?
17:07Just say it.
17:09I'm having a brat summer.
17:10I'm having a brat summer.
17:12That's good.
17:13Are you?
17:14I wouldn't say I had a brat summer.
17:16I had more of like a sloppy lady.
17:18Hot in the heat.
17:18I'm hot in the heat.
17:21Do you know what I mean?
17:22Yeah.
17:22Yeah.
17:23I've always got wet cheeks.
17:24Have you?
17:24Do you know what I mean?
17:25Yeah.
17:26No, on my face.
17:28On my face.
17:29You nearly had him then.
17:31You nearly had him.
17:37Anyone fancy a bit of yoga?
17:39I see that's gone down well with the group.
17:42I'm up for some yoga, Mel.
17:43You up?
17:43I've got a yoga mat.
17:44I can do some moves.
17:45I have very, very low flexibility.
17:48That's why you need it though.
17:49You don't have to be flexed, gang.
17:50I'll think about it.
17:52I'm nervous.
17:53I don't want to be unreasonable, but I don't want to stick my neck out.
17:57So Mel is on the front foot.
17:59She's the aggressor.
18:00No-one saw this coming.
18:02I don't trust you.
18:03I'm not doing it.
18:04No, I just brought my yoga mat because I thought there would be times where we could...
18:09I'm not being funny, but it looks like you haven't unrolled that yoga mat in a long time.
18:13Shall we do some, guys?
18:15Let's all get up on our feet.
18:16Are you the only one that gets a mat?
18:18This is just going to be there for just the look of the whole thing.
18:22OK, so that was all pointless.
18:23What's the block for?
18:24We'll put one of those down there.
18:27Let's get loose.
18:28And then tilt.
18:31Up.
18:33Tilt.
18:33Up.
18:34Are you a qualified instructor, Mel?
18:36Not at all.
18:37OK, great.
18:37I did some YouTube work.
18:39Feel your central girdle, central cradle, down.
18:44Cradle?
18:46Is that where my testicles are?
18:48How are your testicles hanging, David?
18:49Lower, but still it's like a race to the bottom and it's clear which one will win.
18:54And by the bottom I mean the floor, not my anus.
19:00I can't do this.
19:02Do you not get penalised for dropping out now?
19:04You would get fired from David Lloyd, let me tell you that.
19:06Should we still be thrusting our girdles?
19:08It's a lot of pelvic stuff in this routine.
19:11Because it's all about feeling the centre of your bodies.
19:15I was enjoying doing the yoga, but you can't watch David Mitchell doing pelvis yoga.
19:21I defy anyone to watch that.
19:25PHONE RINGS
19:27Are you a royalist, David?
19:29I wouldn't say a royalist. I don't mind the royal family.
19:33No.
19:33Do you know what I do?
19:34Do you go to Sandringham on Christmas Day and give Princess Anna crunchy and all that?
19:38No.
19:38Oh, that's nice.
19:39It's really nice.
19:40She loves it.
19:41She recognises me every time.
19:43Have you met his lordship, the King of England?
19:45No.
19:46No, have you?
19:46I have, yeah.
19:47Yeah.
19:48Did you do the helium thing?
19:50No, I didn't.
19:51I thought maybe not, you know, because he is the king.
19:54I think he'd find it funny.
19:57Yeah.
19:57He laughs a lot, I notice.
19:59What's the laugh?
20:00What does he do?
20:01No.
20:01Cheeky.
20:02It would count as a laugh, even if it was a...
20:04Well, he sounds actually like a leaf blower, doesn't he?
20:08Uhhhhhhhhh.
20:11PHONE RINGS
20:13Ah, the phone.
20:15PHONE RINGS
20:18794368
20:18Could I get, erm, Mel to do her joker, please?
20:22Yes.
20:23Yes.
20:26Mel?
20:27Can you do your joker, please?
20:29Go on, Mel.
20:30Go on!
20:30Go on, Mel.
20:31Good luck, Mel.
20:32Cheers, gang.
20:33You got this, probably.
20:34Have you got a favourite king or queen?
20:36I'd have to go for Elizabeth I, because she's ginger.
20:39Because she was a redhead.
20:40Yeah.
20:40I'd have to.
20:41That's why I go for Richard III, because I've got a hump.
20:44Were you keen on Margaret Thatcher for that reason?
20:47Was she a redhead?
20:48Well, it was always weird with her hair, wasn't it?
20:51Because the more she attacked the miners, the more her hair looked like a miner's helmet.
20:56It looked solid.
20:57She was implying that she could have done the job.
21:00Her own hair was, stick a light there and she could have gone down a mine with a canary.
21:05Yeah.
21:06With one of those, she wouldn't have got vibration white finger.
21:11No.
21:13Where you going?
21:14Where you going?
21:16Where you going?
21:17Cup of tea.
21:21Are these your cheeses you've brought from home, Bob?
21:24No, they're in the fridge.
21:25How much cheese are you allowed a day?
21:27I'm officially allowed a matchbox a week.
21:31Like wartime rations.
21:33When you've had more than a matchbox, should I bat your hand away?
21:37You should do, yeah.
21:38Slap me.
21:40How often do you do a big shot, Bob?
21:42A big shot?
21:43A big shot.
21:47Who's cut that up?
21:49Who do you think?
21:49What did you use?
21:50Your tongue?
21:51What?
21:54One of my tactics was that I could get Alan out by staring at him.
22:01And I asked Romesh if he'd help me.
22:06Don't stare at me.
22:12This is bullying now.
22:15This is bullying.
22:17Oh, here we go.
22:20Do you mind if I sit on this one?
22:21Oh, yes, please.
22:24Oh, oh, no.
22:26Shut up.
22:29Some of you may know this already, but I started out as a street performer.
22:34So I'm going to dip into my back catalogue.
22:41She's a street performer.
23:00You can keep that.
23:07Ignore the guys in green.
23:09You won't see them against the green screen.
23:12We forgot the green screen.
23:14Ooh.
23:15Yes!
23:16Wow.
23:23What are we watching?
23:25I don't know.
23:26Wind effect.
23:29Wow.
23:30Now.
23:32Take it off.
23:35Oh, my gosh.
23:37Seamless.
23:40Oh, it's red riding on.
23:44She's really eating those croissants, mate.
23:51Oh, did she just spit that out?
23:53She just regurgitated the croissant.
23:56Oh, baby's going to go.
23:57Oh, baby's going to go.
23:59Oh, baby's going to go.
24:00Oh, baby's going to go.
24:05Where's Mel?
24:08Who's this son?
24:10Uh, Mary Anning.
24:14Nish.
24:15Hello.
24:18Hammertime.
24:23Okay.
24:27Woo!
24:37That's a modern dance there.
24:40Come on.
24:44Whoa!
24:47Mel, that was so cool.
24:49That was deadly.
24:51Great eye contact.
24:53That was amazing.
24:56Have you forgotten what to do next?
25:01I love it.
25:02I loved it.
25:03I loved it.
25:03That was amazing.
25:05She's done that spin before, haven't she?
25:08That was...
25:08Yeah.
25:09I think if it was last one gasping, then she would have won.
25:12Yeah, yeah.
25:13How do you mean?
25:13Took my breath away.
25:14Oh, I see.
25:15That bit at the end where she did a spin, I thought I was watching Cirque du Soleil.
25:22Honestly, she was like a rotisserie chicken.
25:24I think it was very good.
25:26It was slick, wasn't it?
25:27It was good and it was funny and I feel guilty for not laughing.
25:31Yeah.
25:31I would have so enjoyed laughing at that.
25:35It deserved a big old laugh.
25:36It's like lots of delicious food that we just look at and throw away.
25:42That spin.
25:43She could have cracked her head open.
25:45Yeah, it was quite dangerous, that bit.
25:48Just think of the paperwork they had to go through for that to be allowed down.
25:51It's inspiring, really.
25:52I can't believe we did that 360 degree flip.
25:56For a menopausal lady, that will bring on certain chemical reactions.
26:00And I can safely say that yes, it did.
26:03Did you know I was outed by a Ouija board?
26:07We are?
26:07That's how I came out.
26:09You were so gay that the spirits know.
26:11I was doing a Ouija board with my mum and it spelt out homo.
26:14Oh, no.
26:15And then it called my mum a slut.
26:19My mum said, you're pushing this.
26:21I said, no, I'm not.
26:23I said, I don't need the dark arts to call you a slut.
26:28Are you sure it wasn't all just one word and you were being called a homo slut?
26:32No, because it stopped and then went slut.
26:35Oh, OK.
26:35Nice name for a pub, if ever you and your mum open a pub.
26:38No, that's too much for a pub.
26:39Do you fancy a quick half down the homo and slut?
26:44I look like a retired Bollywood director.
26:46One minute she was there.
26:47And then you put the cap on.
26:49Did you ever watch Kuch Kuch Hotta He?
26:50Not yet.
26:51Kuch Kuch Hotta He.
26:53Mmm.
26:54It's so good, man.
26:55Where will I watch that?
26:57Er, my mum's house.
26:59OK, great.
26:59She's got it on DVD.
27:00I'm there.
27:01She loves it.
27:02Have you seen Legan?
27:02Yeah, I've seen Legan.
27:03I can't be doing with both of you.
27:05Legan is good, huh?
27:06Poor Alan's getting it from all angles.
27:08You should watch Kuch Kuch Hotta He.
27:10Stop saying the name of that programme.
27:12Film.
27:12I'm just warning you now.
27:13It's a movie.
27:14Film, whatever.
27:15Movie.
27:16No.
27:16Movie, bastard.
27:17No, no, no.
27:18Stop it now.
27:20Enough.
27:21Oh, look at him.
27:22He's an absolute buffet for bullies.
27:24They're just trying to break me.
27:26Watch it.
27:27Ganging up.
27:27Get it watched.
27:31Well done, Mal.
27:35That's great stuff.
27:37Was that true, Alan?
27:38Yeah, genuinely true.
27:40Did you realise you were gay before that?
27:42Or did that give you the idea?
27:42I was straight.
27:43I was married with three kids.
27:44Right.
27:45And I wish I'd never done the winter ball.
27:47Fair enough.
27:47Is this what the spirits say?
27:48That's it, yeah.
27:49Give it a go.
27:50I'm sure I can get into it.
27:53The flute machine is now available for inspiration.
27:56Just pull the lever and follow the prompts.
27:59He said lever.
28:00Leaver.
28:00All right, somebody's trying to break America.
28:02What's going on now?
28:03I don't know if I agree with that at all.
28:09Oh, best life advice.
28:12Oh!
28:13Well, I think it would be borrow your next door neighbour's Ouija board
28:17and take the sexual journey it suggests.
28:20Yep.
28:21That's good.
28:22It's not who you know, it's who you blow.
28:24Strong.
28:24I've lived by that for a long time.
28:26But presumably the person you blow you will know at least a bit.
28:30Or not.
28:31Do you know who told me that?
28:31Your mum.
28:32No.
28:33Martin Lewis, the money-saving person.
28:35Martin Lewis.
28:36It's not who you know, it's who you blow.
28:37It's not who you know, it's who you blow.
28:38That's a hell of a money-saving tip, isn't it?
28:40And he popped in for a mortgage.
28:41Yeah.
28:41Money-saving tip right on the lips.
28:43What I do, and I actually follow this myself,
28:46whenever I leave my house I shout,
28:48goodbye grandad, before I shut the door,
28:51and then people won't burgle it because they'll think
28:53that somebody is inside.
28:55Oh, that is clever.
28:55You're looking downwards like he's on the floor in trouble.
28:57There's an old man.
28:59Which burglar's going to be scared of your grandad?
29:01You haven't seen him.
29:02Well, neither have they.
29:03Mel Gedgeworth says goodbye grandad.
29:05No burglar's going, Jesus Christ.
29:07You've seen her.
29:08He is long dead, but is hard as nails.
29:11But from your eye line,
29:13he would appear to be about ten inches tall.
29:15Yeah.
29:16Because you've gone like that.
29:17Goodbye grandad.
29:19Is he buried under the floorboards?
29:20Why don't you shout,
29:22all right killer, I'm getting you some more meat.
29:27I was by my grandmother's bedside when she passed away,
29:30and just as she sort of was going,
29:34she looked at me and she said,
29:35I'm still disappointed.
29:37Oh.
29:44Do you know what?
29:46I was once in a taxi cab and I said,
29:49what was your Covid like?
29:50Spent most of it in a KO.
29:52Was that the cab driver or you?
29:55He's having to have a think about that,
29:57isn't he?
29:58Was it him or was it the cab driver
30:00who was in the K-hole?
30:02It was the K-hole.
30:03In the K-hole?
30:04Was it you or the cab driver?
30:05It was the cab driver.
30:07Ah.
30:10BUZZER
30:11Gather on the sofas, please.
30:15I've got a treat for you.
30:16A treat?
30:18Oh, hello.
30:19Oh, no, I was...
30:20Take the scenic route.
30:21I was trying to do a Dukes of Hazzard style entry.
30:26Oh.
30:27I hope it's not Krispy Kreme donuts.
30:29I think they're overrated.
30:31What's this about?
30:32They can't look away.
30:36Ooh.
30:37Oh, my God.
30:40No way.
30:43You're fucking kidding me.
30:4750 ducks.
30:48Bam.
30:49Oh.
30:49It's like a robot that can shit.
30:51I'm just trying to find out what you're into, Alan.
30:54I mean, this is a very strong team.
30:56One, two, three, four, nipple, nipple.
31:00Oh.
31:03Oh.
31:04Oh, he's got his laptop.
31:05Oh, yes, please.
31:09I smell a rat bomb.
31:11And his testicles are just dangling separately to the rest of his body,
31:14and then he just dips it, submerges, and then lifts.
31:27Woohoo!
31:30Woohoo!
31:31Come on, man.
31:32Come on, go.
31:36Woohoo!
31:38Come on, go!
31:44Come on, go!
31:46Yes, boys!
32:15We'll see you next time.
Comments