00:06I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass have you been struggling with suicidal thoughts
00:14and don't know what to do about it we're here to help just call our suicide assistance hotline at
00:201-800-6769 and remember you're not alone you know what at this point I got nothing to lose
00:28I'll just call and see what they have to say
00:30thank you for calling our suicide assistance hotline we're happy to help
00:40are you having any suicidal ideations today I'll be honest I've been struggling for quite some time
00:46and I'm not really sure where to go from here do you own a firearm no I do not do
00:51you have the means
00:52to acquire a firearm not really I recently lost my job too so it's not like I have money to
00:57spare on
00:57that how about a garage somewhere to leave your car running for carbon monoxide poisoning
01:02uh no I don't have a car either god damn dude no car no money no job no wonder you
01:09want to kill
01:10yourself I feel like given your situation jumping off a building would be the only feasible solution
01:14hold on are you supposed to try to talk me out of it no sir this is the suicide assistance
01:20hotline
01:21we hope you figure out how to end it you might be thinking of the suicide prevention hotline
01:26what is the point of this shit do you all even make money off of this yes sir we charge
01:32by the
01:32minute on your phone bill fuck this hey man what's up not much I was just chilling watching some tv
01:39what have you been up to I've been watching informative videos in the internet cool got
01:44some interesting ones in there yeah no they do did you know that the rectum can stretch up to nine
01:50inches without tearing so you technically could fit a whole raccoon inside of it what kind of
01:54informative videos have you been watching where's Kevin what's wrong you gave my computer a virus by
02:01watching nasty shit on the internet what checks out yes motherfucker I took it to the shop for repair
02:07they charge 60 bucks and you're paying for it Greg but you know I don't work how will I pay
02:13that I
02:13don't know but you better figure it out if you ever want to use the computer again hmm you're in
02:18it now
02:19I'm not supposed to pay 60 bucks without a job you could donate blood blood are you crazy I'll pass
02:26out
02:27the moment I see the needle I don't know dude go to a sperm bank then what is that you
02:33know the place
02:34where they milk you and they give you money for it milk me how yeah dude no needles require you'll
02:40be
02:41fine does it hurt no dude just drive to the middle of the city I don't remember the exact building
02:46but
02:46ask around they'll point you to it sounds like a plan thank you for the idea today the center is
03:00holding a hearing to discuss whether or not there's been a misuse of government funding in the National
03:05Institute of Science carried out by the research department dr. Steinberwitz what advancements in
03:13science have you been able to achieve with the 20 million dollars in funding your department was
03:18awarded last year senator on the first four months of the year we were able to successfully combine
03:24the DNA of a cheetah and a beaver and how exactly is that useful for the taxpayers well senator now
03:30we
03:30possess a creature able to create big river dams at record speeds in an ecological fashion I see
03:37doctor and what was achieved during the four months after we were able to combine the DNA of an
03:42octopus and a spider doctor and how could that be of any use to society you see senator when we
03:48combine the intelligence dexterity and multiple arms of an octopus with a spider's ability to make
03:54its own web we managed to create a creature that is capable of knitting intricate pieces of renewable
04:00clothing at a very low cost well but how about the last four months of the year doctor senator during
04:07the last four months of the year we were able to successfully combine the DNA of a firefly with
04:12that of the pubic lice also known as crabs doctor and what could that be useful for as of now
04:19i'm not
04:20sure what it will be useful for senator but i can tell you my crutch now looks like a city
04:25at night
04:33where the hell is this place
04:37hmm maybe this lady knows where to find the sperm bank
04:42excuse me ma'am
04:43how can i help you baby
04:45could you point me towards the sperm bank
04:47the what
04:48i'm trying to find the place where they milk you for money
04:51if you're trying to get milk for money you came to the right place baby
04:54oh nice
04:59keep driving there's a motel nearby
05:01hey motel i thought those were for sleeping only
05:04oh baby people get milk for money at the motels all the time
05:08oh nice
05:09here pull over to this one
05:16well so now what
05:18i'll just grab a couple things from my bag and then we'll go inside
05:22just get comfortable in the bed while i get ready in the bathroom
05:26no problem ma'am
05:30hmm let's see what they have on the telly
05:37uh never mind
05:40okay baby
05:41it's time to milk you real good
05:44hold on what are you going to do to me
05:46i'll do the things you've seen on the internet
05:49oh hell no
05:50nobody's shoving a recoup of my ass
05:59what is testicle torsion
06:01testicle torsion is a urological condition
06:04where the testes in the scrotum
06:07there's that motherfucker with my chip he took without permission
06:10he better have my money ready or he's getting his shit kicked in
06:18where the fuck were you kevin
06:20i'm sorry greg i was just trying to get you the money
06:23what the hell is this
06:24oh i didn't notice she left that
06:26huh
06:26well since you got the money i guess you can go back to using the computer
06:30just don't be watching nasty shit in there
06:33not anymore greg not after today's drama
06:36which drama
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