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00:00Tonight, Canada's top comics say hello to bad taste, goodbye to polite society, and feast on the f****** seeping out
00:08of my s****** testicles to the censors.
00:11From Montreal's Just for Laughs Festival, I'm Ennis Esmer, and this is Rose Battle Canada!
00:34Welcome to the newest reason Quebec wants to separate from Canada.
00:40Now, if you haven't seen Rose Battle before, it's just like an American election. The most racist usually wins.
00:48Tonight, you'll witness topics so touchy, you'll have to check that your stepdad is still asleep on the couch.
00:59Stop it.
01:01So buckle up, Canada, because these comics are about to do more jabbing than Russell's Hair Doctor in Turkey.
01:07This is Rose Battle Canada!
01:13And now, let's meet our judges.
01:16Did you know that K. Trevor Wilson's house has a Star Wars-themed kitchen and a Marvel-themed bathroom?
01:22Now, he just prays the cops won't find his necrophilia-themed basement.
01:27Give it up for obese Juan Kenobi, it's K. Trevor Wilson!
01:34Oh, Ennis Hall, the subtlety and grace of an ice raid.
01:40I don't want to say you're a dick, but all of your hair is pubic.
01:46Our next judge, Sabrina Jalise, has a fantastic podcast with fellow comedian Mae Martin.
01:51And if you haven't heard it, both Mae and Sabrina are equally important to the show.
01:55Mae is a hilarious host who everyone likes, and Sabrina owns two microphones and a desk.
02:02Give it up for a woman who brings so much to the table.
02:05I'm sorry, I mean brings the table.
02:07It's Sabrina Jalise!
02:12You know what?
02:13Don't stop clapping, because let's congratulate Ennis.
02:16He just set a record in Montreal.
02:18Let's clap it up for Ennis.
02:20Yeah.
02:21Yeah, we've been here such a short time,
02:23and he's already set the record for being rejected by the most amount of sex workers.
02:29Well, they don't take Turkish lira.
02:31What am I going to do?
02:34Our final judge, Russell Peters, says that he watches the show Pawn Stars to wind down after he performs.
02:40I guess after telling his jokes for an hour, it's nice to know he's not the only one passing off
02:45old junk for money.
02:47Give it up for the guy who actually watches Pawn Stars just to keep track of where all his past
02:52engagement rings went.
02:53It's the legend, Russell Peters!
02:59Thanks, Ennis.
03:01This show's like underwear, and you are its shit stain.
03:04Thank you for being here.
03:09Oh, and now let's get to the battle.
03:12It's John Doerr versus Rebecca Kohler.
03:17Rebecca is the type of person who could become an evil mastermind.
03:21I don't worry about overstepping my bounds because I have no boundaries.
03:25That's why I see a therapist.
03:26She's been lying dormant for years, and she's ready to become that cult leader,
03:30and we need to take her down a peg.
03:31We need to kick her back down in her hole.
03:34John Doerr is a troubled man, and tonight, he's in big trouble.
03:37Rebecca, I'm going to take you down.
03:39I'm on a mission today.
03:41Give it up for John Doerr!
03:45John Doerr!
03:50And Rebecca Kohler!
04:00John Doerr versus Rebecca Kohler.
04:03Judges, let's size up this battle.
04:05K-Trev, starting with you.
04:06Oh, this looks like the worst Hallmark movie is about to happen.
04:13Sabrina, what's your take, pregame?
04:15This looks like a serial killer versus the lesbian detective
04:18that's going to track him down over eight episodes.
04:23Russell, your pregame analysis?
04:25I'm excited.
04:25This is the bathroom war.
04:27It's Kohler versus the John.
04:30All right, let's get this battle started.
04:33John, are you ready?
04:34Well, he stepped on a premise of mine, but yeah, I'm ready.
04:37Okay, all right, okay.
04:38Rebecca, you too?
04:40All right, audience, are we ready?
04:44Well, let's roost!
04:45Yeah.
04:49Well, Rebecca, it's a good thing you're standing over there,
04:51and I suggest you stay that far away from me,
04:54because my breath still smells like your dad's dick.
05:00Rebecca, ne t'approche pas de moi,
05:03parce que mon Alain encore sent de la penis de ton père.
05:12What's that?
05:14Oh.
05:15Oh, I thought because we're in Montreal,
05:16we have to do it in English and French.
05:17Well, we don't.
05:18Oh, okay.
05:19Je m'excuse.
05:22I blew your dad, essentially.
05:23Go ahead.
05:24So, for those of you who don't know,
05:27John Doerr is a chain smoker, okay?
05:30This guy smokes so much,
05:32I once prepared a delicious brisket in his chest cavity.
05:38John Doerr smokes so much on Christmas Eve,
05:41Santa Claus goes downhill.
05:46You know what?
05:47Get the guitar.
05:51Get ready, everyone.
05:52I did write a song for Rebecca Cola here tonight.
05:54I hope you like it.
06:09It needs lyrics, but...
06:16I think my point was made.
06:19Oh my God, I totally forgot the name of the song.
06:20Sorry.
06:21The name of that song was called
06:23Rebecca Doesn't Have Children
06:24and Will Probably Die Alone.
06:26What's up?
06:30When I told people I was battling John Doerr,
06:33they were like,
06:34ooh, that's going to be hard.
06:35John's such a great guy.
06:36I was like, great.
06:38Yeah, maybe great as in he grates on everyone's nerves.
06:43Great as in if you lift him up and climb under him,
06:46you end up in the sewer.
06:48Rats.
06:49Whoa.
06:51Well, you know,
06:52Russell touched on this in the beginning.
06:54It's true.
06:55Whenever I go to the bathroom,
06:56I think of Rebecca
06:56because her last name is Kohler.
06:59K-O-H-L-E-R.
07:01Yes, the toilet manufacturing company.
07:03That's true.
07:05Kohler.
07:05So Rebecca's name is synonymous with human waste
07:08traveling through plumbing,
07:09which then exits through a sewer system
07:11and then ends up in a water treatment plant
07:14where it separates solids from liquids
07:16and then makes its way back out into the environment.
07:21You know what I realize?
07:22Unlike Rebecca,
07:23the water treatment plant
07:24is able to recognize solid material.
07:26What's up?
07:29What's up?
07:47What's up?
07:48John sweats so much.
07:50Disney recently announced
07:52they're setting the third Nemo movie
07:54in his right armpit.
07:57John does sweat so much.
07:59Studies have shown
08:00that you can survive in the desert
08:02for up to six days
08:03by sucking on John's t-shirt.
08:08Full transparency,
08:09we are friends, correct?
08:09I know Rebecca.
08:11And Rebecca,
08:11she's clipped them tonight,
08:12but she hates cutting her toenails
08:14and they get so long in yellow.
08:16You're going to hate me for this.
08:17When I was in your bathroom,
08:18I swept behind the toilet tank.
08:20I did.
08:21And I collected all of your toenails.
08:24Yeah.
08:25Oh my God.
08:26Thanks.
08:27You don't think they're real?
08:28These are real.
08:32Those are fresh from your toilet tank.
08:40Your dad said it would be funny.
08:45Last joke.
08:46I once saw John Doerr
08:48light a fart on fire.
08:54It was actually really dangerous
08:56because earlier that day,
08:57John had eaten
08:58a cabbage and bean sandwich.
09:02Making the flame huge.
09:06In fact,
09:07the flame was so big,
09:08the fucking guy burnt my marshmallow.
09:12My s'more tasted like shit.
09:16Rebecca,
09:17you know you have a small mouth, right?
09:20Yeah.
09:20Everyone talks about it.
09:22I just need you to know
09:23that your mouth is very small.
09:24It's too small for your face.
09:25It's as if God pressed
09:27the minimize button on your face
09:30when he should have pressed
09:31the maximize button
09:32on your career.
09:39Rebecca Kohler and John Doerr,
09:41everybody.
09:41We did it.
09:42We did it.
09:44Oh, there we go.
09:45Great battle.
09:46What a battle.
09:47What a battle.
09:50Let's get the judges' thoughts
09:51on that one.
09:52Kate Trev.
09:53I live in the country
09:54and the other day
09:56as my wife and I
09:57were sitting out in our yard
09:58enjoying the nature
09:59that comes to visit it,
10:00a pigeon flew down
10:02to eat some bird seed
10:03that we'd scattered
10:04in our garden
10:05and at that moment,
10:07a hawk came down,
10:10snatched the pigeon up
10:11in its talons
10:11and ripped it to pieces
10:13in front of us
10:14and that was less of a massacre
10:17than this battle was tonight.
10:25Sabrina?
10:26Now, I live in the city
10:27and watching John
10:30have so much fun
10:32talking about sucking
10:33Rebecca's dad's dick
10:34made me want to hire John
10:36to suck my dad's dick.
10:39Russell, your take.
10:40This was like watching
10:41a conjugal visit
10:43and you just couldn't turn away.
10:48All right, judges,
10:49it's time to pick a winner.
10:50K, Trev, who you got?
10:51I got to give it to
10:52Rick's lover, John Doerr.
10:55Okay.
10:55That's one for John Doerr.
10:57Okay, yeah.
10:58Sabrina Jalees,
10:59who you got?
11:00I'm going to go with
11:01the Rick dick sucker,
11:03John Doerr!
11:04That's two for John Doerr.
11:06Okay.
11:08Russell?
11:09As a fan of instrumentals
11:11and instrumental insults,
11:12I'm going to have to go
11:13with John Doerr as well.
11:14The winner is John Doerr.
11:15Give it up for John Doerr,
11:17your winner!
11:18The face of hyperhidrosis.
11:20Keep it going for both
11:21our battlers.
11:22Rebecca Kohler,
11:23John Doerr,
11:24great work.
11:25Well, that's it for part one,
11:27but coming up,
11:27we have a battle so impolite,
11:29it works part-time
11:30as a waiter in Montreal.
11:33More rose battle after this!
11:48Welcome back to Rose Battle Canada,
11:50the show that makes
11:51all your dreams come true.
11:53That is,
11:54if all your dreams
11:55are just swearing.
11:57And now let's make some noise
11:58for a woman whose love language
12:00is air horn sound effects.
12:01It's DJ Killa Jewel!
12:09And now let's get to the battle.
12:11It's Kenny Robinson
12:12versus Darren Frost!
12:16It's time to show
12:17these young punks
12:18how it's done.
12:19It's going to be like
12:20a family reunion
12:20where everybody gets touched.
12:22He's known as
12:23Little Man Hate.
12:24And unfortunately,
12:26you have to put
12:27the mad dog down.
12:28Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
12:31Rabbit fucking dog.
12:32Look, I'm dead inside
12:34and bulletproof, okay?
12:35And hate always wins.
12:37And the hate starts now.
12:39Give it up for
12:40Kenny Robinson!
12:51And Darren Frost!
13:00Kenny Robinson versus Darren Frost!
13:03Judges, let's size up this battle.
13:04K-Trap, go ahead.
13:05These guys are both amazing,
13:07legendary Canadian comics
13:09and we're very lucky
13:10to have them gracing the stage
13:11here at Gross Battle.
13:12No, give it up.
13:13You guys are awesome.
13:16I grew up watching these guys.
13:20Darren used to be
13:21in every Canadian commercial ever
13:23and Kenny used to be
13:25an original member
13:26of the California Raisins.
13:31And we finally get to see
13:33what's going to happen
13:34when an aging pimp
13:36roasts a walking,
13:37talking penis.
13:42All right, Sabrina,
13:44your pregame thoughts.
13:45I mean, I know these guys
13:47can get mean,
13:47so let's get nastier
13:49than your last colonoscopies.
13:51All right.
13:53Russell, I'm very excited.
13:54I've been friends
13:55with both of these guys
13:56for over 30 years.
13:57And just to know
13:58how evil they both are
14:00in reality,
14:01let's just hope you guys
14:02both bring out your venom.
14:04And Kenny,
14:05take your teeth out
14:06if you have to.
14:08All right,
14:09we're going to get
14:09this battle started.
14:10Kenny, are you ready?
14:12Darren, are you ready?
14:13Yeah.
14:14Audience, are we ready?
14:16Let's roast!
14:22Come on,
14:23it's Kenny Robinson,
14:24a legend.
14:24Give him some love.
14:25Come on.
14:29Kenny's looking good
14:30for his age,
14:31but recently he lost
14:32a lot of weight
14:33due to age and diabetes,
14:34but he still looks like
14:35if RuPaul would himself go.
14:39And got AIDS.
14:42Yeah!
14:43Well, somebody left
14:45Frosty in the dryer too long.
14:47That's why he looks like
14:47a mini fucking Mussolini.
14:52Kenny has lived alone
14:53for 10 years.
14:54Oh, he's got two cats
14:55because that's the only pussy
14:57who wouldn't leave him.
15:00And, if you don't know this,
15:02hundreds of women
15:03have yelled the N-word at him.
15:05No.
15:08That's right.
15:08I went there, motherfuckers.
15:10I fucking went there.
15:13Frosty's always been
15:13more of a dog, man,
15:15because he's always been
15:15impressed and envious
15:16of the way they can
15:17lick their own balls.
15:20Some people say
15:21man's a dog's best friend.
15:22He says him with a jar
15:23of peanut butter
15:24is a dog's best friend.
15:26Make it chunky.
15:27Make it chunky.
15:28Ooh.
15:31Kenny's getting up there
15:32in age.
15:32I'm surprised he didn't
15:33need a fucking wheelchair
15:34to get him down that ramp.
15:36He's so old
15:37he got his first hand job
15:38from Aunt Jemima
15:39before she was on the bottle.
15:44He was so unpopular
15:46in high school
15:47that he had to lose
15:48his virginity
15:48through Make-A-Wish
15:50Foundation.
15:53And then,
15:54when he didn't die
15:55like he promised,
15:56they pressed charges.
15:59Kenny got so many
16:00women pregnant
16:01in the 80s,
16:02so many abortions,
16:03every time he walks
16:03in the closet,
16:04all the hangers
16:05go straight.
16:08Frosty has three
16:09lovely sons
16:10and they refer to
16:11his abortions
16:12as the lucky ones.
16:20I think I gotta
16:21walk that off
16:22for a second.
16:23Those are my
16:24fucking children,
16:25Kenny.
16:26That's what
16:27she told you.
16:29Okay.
16:31Kenny loves
16:32sucking women's feet.
16:34He loves sucking toes.
16:35Okay?
16:36Yeah, we're gonna go there.
16:37Yeah.
16:37He's had more
16:38strange women's feet
16:39in his mouth
16:39than an Asian foot spa.
16:42Or Russell Peters.
16:47Last joke.
16:48Okay.
16:51Kenny loves a gunt.
16:53He loves a gunt.
16:55He jacks off the episodes
16:57of My Thousand Pound Sisters.
17:00He loves a gunt so much,
17:02if you gave him a mirror
17:03and a wig,
17:04he'd fuck himself.
17:08Frosty's favorite line
17:09or favorite thing
17:10to say is,
17:11I'm dead inside.
17:12That's what his wife
17:13told him after two pumps
17:14and a fart.
17:18There we go!
17:19Derrick Frost
17:20and Kenny Robinson!
17:21Oh my God!
17:23Oh my goodness!
17:27Graphic.
17:27Graphic depictions
17:28on both sides.
17:29That was great.
17:30All right,
17:30K-Trev,
17:30your thoughts?
17:31I really enjoyed
17:33watching that.
17:33That's two guys
17:34who are very good friends
17:35in real life
17:36being as absolutely
17:37nasty to each other
17:38as they could be
17:39up here on this stage.
17:41This is what
17:41Roast Battle's all about.
17:43Thank you guys
17:43for coming here
17:44and giving us that.
17:45Yeah.
17:46All right.
17:48Sabrina,
17:48your post-game analysis.
17:50Yeah,
17:50that was much more
17:51interesting than
17:51the last time
17:52these two battled.
17:53They stood back-to-back,
17:55walked ten paces,
17:56and drew pistols.
17:57So.
17:58All right,
17:58Russell,
17:59your thoughts?
17:59It lived up to
18:00what I expected it to be.
18:01Frosty was Frosty
18:02and Kenny was Kenny.
18:04And that's all
18:05I wanted from them.
18:06There you go.
18:07Damn straight.
18:07And now it's time
18:08to pick a winner.
18:09K-Trev,
18:10who you got?
18:12I really enjoyed
18:13watching this.
18:13It's great seeing
18:14you guys again
18:15and seeing you
18:16do what you do best
18:17and that's be nasty
18:18to each other.
18:19But I got to go
18:20with the smoothest player
18:22in the game,
18:22Kenny Robinson.
18:24That's one for Kenny.
18:25That's one nothing
18:26for Kenny and Sabrina.
18:28Yeah,
18:28I mean,
18:29this is a really hard
18:30one to judge
18:31and I'm going to do
18:32what I do every time
18:32things get hard,
18:33which is cheat
18:34off of the paper
18:35next to me.
18:36It's Kenny.
18:37Okay.
18:39That's two.
18:40Russell,
18:41who's your winner?
18:42Well,
18:43I mean,
18:43that wasn't an easy
18:44one either,
18:44you know.
18:45I love watching
18:46the old big shooter
18:47right there.
18:48But I have to lean
18:49towards Kenny Robinson
18:50on this one as well.
18:51Kenny Robinson
18:51is the winner.
18:52The winner is
18:53Kenny Robinson.
18:55Keep it going
18:55for both of our roasters.
18:57Legends in the game.
18:58Darren Frost,
18:59keep it going
18:59for him,
19:00everybody.
19:02We're going to take
19:03a quick break
19:03for Russell
19:04to go shoot
19:05another one
19:05of his hilarious movies.
19:07Hey,
19:07what would it be like
19:08if an Indian guy
19:09worked at a place?
19:10I can't wait
19:12to find out.
19:13Final judgments
19:13after this.
19:27Welcome back
19:28to Roast Battle,
19:29the show
19:29that would love
19:30to go down
19:31on you
19:31in a theater.
19:33After all the craziness
19:35we've seen tonight,
19:36let's go to the panel
19:37for their final judgments.
19:39K-Trev.
19:40My final judgment,
19:41I disagree with the audience.
19:42You do have
19:43a very normal face.
19:45I know lots
19:46of ugly people
19:47who look just like you.
19:51Sabrina,
19:52your final judgments.
19:53My new favorite
19:54party favor
19:55is toenail confetti.
19:59Very sanitary,
20:01very nice.
20:01You all signed waivers.
20:04Anybody gets a staph infection,
20:06that's your problem.
20:07All right,
20:07Russell,
20:07take us home.
20:08Your final judgments.
20:10I don't know how to follow
20:12all that.
20:13We're canceled.
20:14I'm just going to say,
20:15if it wasn't for diversity,
20:16we would not have had a show today.
20:19Well,
20:20that's our show for tonight.
20:21That's a great series
20:22of final judgments.
20:23Keep some noise going
20:24for our winners,
20:25ladies and gentlemen.
20:27All our wonderful roasters,
20:29please let them know
20:30you like their
20:32disgusting,
20:33horrible,
20:34rotten minds.
20:36And that's our show
20:37for tonight.
20:38And what a time we had.
20:39We laughed,
20:40we cried.
20:41Some of us laughed
20:42more than others.
20:42Some of us cried
20:43more than others.
20:44Some people cried a lot.
20:46Like,
20:46they basically showed up crying
20:48and they're still crying backstage.
20:49You know what?
20:50I should probably go back
20:51and check on them.
20:52Good night, Canada.
20:53And remember,
20:54if you're watching,
20:55you're part of the problem.
21:27We got the world
21:28as a battle.
21:31We got the world
21:32as a battle.
21:33We got the world
21:35as a battle.
21:37We got the world
21:43We got the world
21:43We got the world
21:43We got the world
21:43We got the world
21:44We got the world
21:44as a battle.
21:45We got the world
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