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00:00Tonight, we've moved Roast Battle Canada to the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal.
00:05And if you thought our comedians were vile, ignorant, irredeemable miscreants before,
00:11they still are, but now we're in Quebec!
00:13I'm Ennis Esmer and this is Roast Battle Canada!
00:30Roast Battle! Roast Battle! Roast Battle! Roast Battle!
00:35Welcome to the show that will make you wish you didn't speak English.
00:41We are back for season five of Roast Battle Canada and we have a new home at the Just for
00:46Laughs Festival!
00:51Yes, we thought Montreal was the perfect location for Roast Battle because the people here love comedy.
00:57And they're really fucking rude!
01:01So buckle up, Montreal! And when I say buckle up, I mean it.
01:04They do not know how to drive out here.
01:06This is Roast Battle Canada!
01:11And now, let's meet our judges.
01:14Up first is a man who is the opposite of Celine Dion because his heart won't go on.
01:19It's K. Trevor Wilson!
01:24Oh, Ennis, it's good to see you again.
01:26How is it that the show has just started and you already look sweaty and broken?
01:34Our next judge is a woman who was built for this city because her vagina looks like Montreal smoked meat.
01:41What?
01:44Give it up for the judge who would punch me if she wasn't saving her fist for nighttime fun.
01:49It's Sabrina Jalise!
01:56Ennis, you're so confident for a man that looks like a wet mop at a shawarma place.
02:03You're tiny, you're hairy, you're strange to look at.
02:06You're like a LeBooBoo, but not likable.
02:11All right, our final judge is like Montreal's Big O Stadium because he was impressive a few decades ago,
02:17but now is just a crumbling mess that's sad to look at.
02:20Give it up for the big, oh no, it's Russell Peters!
02:30Good to see you, Ennis.
02:32You look like the bathroom floor after I've shaved my balls.
02:38Your face, your face, yeah.
02:41Basically from the neck up.
02:42Yeah.
02:43I don't care about the neck down.
02:45I've heard that about you.
02:48And now, let's get to the battle.
02:51It's Faris Satya versus Dino Archie.
02:58My name's Faris Satya, and I'm about to roast this shit out of Dino Archie.
03:02Hey, I'm Dino Archie.
03:03I'm here to fuck some shit up.
03:05I'm starting with a barbecue, and we roasting Africans today.
03:08I'm the perfect opponent because I am unbound by white guilt.
03:12Yeah, man, you just wish he wasn't sold.
03:14That's all.
03:14And if I lose, I'm calling ice and getting his ass deported.
03:18Give it up for Faris Satya!
03:28And Dino Archie!
03:40Faris Satya, Dino Archie.
03:42Judges, let's size this one up.
03:44Kate Trev.
03:45Seeing the three of you on stage, I'm just hoping Nabisco never makes a hummus Oreo.
03:56They pulled me into it.
03:58All right.
03:58Sabrina, your thoughts?
04:00I'm excited.
04:01It looks like two very different styles.
04:03One of them won't share his forehead.
04:04The other one's almost showing his tits.
04:08I'm most excited for Russell because it looks like you're about to hear your favorite word.
04:16Which one of you is going to say, Anis, you're fired?
04:20Okay, let's get this battle started.
04:22Faris, are you ready?
04:23Party time.
04:24All right.
04:25I believe you.
04:25Dino, you ready?
04:26Loser goes back to Africa.
04:28Damn.
04:29Okay.
04:29Audience, are we ready?
04:32Let's roast!
04:37Forrest has the physique of a WNBA player.
04:42All I'm saying is Sabrina tried to fuck him backstage and then getting an abusive lesbian relationship with him.
04:52Yeah, she bought me a Subaru.
04:56Just saying.
04:59Yeah, I don't know.
05:01You're calling me a lesbian.
05:02You're dressed like Brittany Griner.
05:03But let's.
05:05Yes.
05:07Let me.
05:08You know, Dino got the energy of a man that stole a truck at the L.A. riots.
05:14And then calmed down in his later years.
05:18Dino's what would happen if the phrase, listen here, young blood, became a person.
05:24Let me hold some, nephew.
05:26Let me hold some.
05:28All right.
05:29Forrest's tour is sponsored by World Vision.
05:36In collaboration with USAID, which I voted to defund.
05:42No, it's personal, man, because Forrest is an African Muslim, you know, and so this is payback for 9-11.
05:51Because of his people, I got to take off my shoes in the airport.
05:56But to be fair, 9-11 was an inside job.
06:00Turns out there weren't any terrorists on there, just two women pilots.
06:08Who was that for?
06:12Come on, man.
06:13Let me come.
06:15Let me be toxic, man.
06:16Who are you?
06:18This guy's coming up here.
06:20He's like, you know, the real problem, women.
06:22Let me tell you.
06:27He's always like, oh, you guys did 9-11.
06:29I'm like, you guys did January 6th.
06:31He was the only nigga there, fun fact.
06:35Hey, man.
06:36MAGA, man.
06:37Make Africa great again.
06:40Speaking of J6, K-Trev looks like he cosplays as a J6 intruder.
06:48We're called insurrectionists.
06:52I don't know what I have to say about you.
06:55Okay.
06:57It's hard to believe you're in this battle without your traditional Sudanese tribal drip.
07:04You know, dress shoes, Adida track pants, and a Utah Jazz 1996 Western Conference Championship T-shirt.
07:14It's like you're a value village icon, but for Africa.
07:20Boy, that was a mouthful.
07:21Okay.
07:23A lot of reference points there.
07:24This is proof that Americans are bad at English.
07:31Hey, wait, whoa down.
07:32Wow, you motherfuckers don't even like English.
07:40Battle, battle, battle.
07:45Dino is a fashion icon.
07:48A sex symbol.
07:50I mean, look at him.
07:51Always wearing his leopard print leather and shit.
07:54He's got the taste of Prince and the appetite of Prince Andrew.
08:02Forrest's dad is a proud, accomplished immigrant.
08:06And he, I met him.
08:07He told me, you know, he was like, in my country, I was an astronaut.
08:14I was a doctor.
08:16I was the president.
08:18And I said, I think I'm in the wrong Uber.
08:28You are one of eight siblings.
08:30Love Ike Turner.
08:32Not for his music.
08:35And you used to be a phone salesman.
08:38Fam, you're more African than I am.
08:44Last joke.
08:46That was good, man.
08:47Forrest is a proud, proud of his Sudanese heritage.
08:54But he's afraid to get deported.
08:57He doesn't even order ice in his drinks.
09:02Just warm giraffe piss.
09:07Yo, real quick.
09:08Doesn't Dino look like Franklin the Turtle grew up to be a black Republican?
09:13Doesn't he?
09:15Woo!
09:16Yeah.
09:17Oh!
09:18Yeah.
09:19In fact, he is the latest in an inspiring lineup of turtle-looking, problematic black men.
09:28Cosby.
09:29R. Kelly.
09:30Diddy.
09:32Dino.
09:36All innocent.
09:37They call them the...
09:44They call them the middle-aged mutant nigga turtles.
09:52Let's go.
09:54I'll go.
09:55I'll go.
09:56That's the end of my career.
10:12R. is a T.
10:17Roast battling to be mean unnecessarily and fucking funny as hell.
10:22I really enjoyed that.
10:23You guys did an amazing job.
10:27I'd like to tell you what my favorite jokes were, but I'm not allowed to say that word.
10:32Sabrina, your thoughts?
10:33I never thought when you guys walked out here that it would be like the most lesbian-centered roast on
10:39Roast Battle.
10:40We had Subarus, Brittany Griner, WNBA, and yeah, I was flirting with you, Forrest, but I was just trying to
10:46see the other half of your face.
10:49Russell, your thoughts?
10:50Russell, your thoughts?
10:50Russell, your thoughts?
10:50Uh, this was, see, now this is what I'm talking about.
10:53This was fun.
10:53It was like watching the Black Smothers Brothers out there.
10:57And this is, and an American and an African in Canada proves that they really do come here and take
11:03our jobs.
11:06All right, it's time to pick a winner.
11:08Kate, Trev, who you got?
11:10And I had to score very close, but ultimately, because he came out so strong off the top, I'm going
11:15with Dino Archie on this.
11:17All right, that's one for Dino.
11:19That's one.
11:22Sabrina.
11:22What can I say?
11:24I'm voting for Forrest.
11:26Whoa!
11:27We got a tie!
11:29One for Forrest, one for Dino Russell.
11:31It comes down to you.
11:32This was not an easy one to pick.
11:35This was like an auction in the 1800s.
11:37Oh!
11:44It's a nasty man right there.
11:46Russell, who is your winner?
11:49It was neck and neck, and I got to go with the guy from the country with longer necks.
11:53I'm going with Ferris.
11:57Ferris Atiyah is your winner!
11:59Ferris!
12:00Atiyah!
12:01But keep it going for both of them.
12:03Dino Archie, Ferris Atiyah.
12:05That was incredible.
12:07Man, oh man.
12:09All right, that is it for part one.
12:12But up next, we have a battle so breathtaking, K-Trev is already warming up the sleep apnea machine.
12:18More Roast Battle after this!
12:33Welcome back to Roast Battle Canada, the only show that's part of the prep stages of a colonoscopy.
12:39And before we go any further, let me introduce our newest addition, DJ Killa-Jule!
12:52And now let's get to the battle.
12:54It's Jackie Pirico versus Alistair Ogden!
13:00People can expect a lot of hurt feelings because Alistair and I are actually both quite sensitive.
13:05Well, I know Jackie is going to struggle because writing roast jokes involves thinking about someone other than yourself.
13:12Get ready, because as soon as I get my hands on a step stool, I'm going to kick your ass.
13:15I'm going to win with my charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent.
13:21Give it up for Jackie Pirico!
13:31And Alistair Ogden!
13:42Judges, let's size this one up.
13:44K-Trev!
13:46I'm excited for this one.
13:47This one looks like Nickelodeon presents an Amber Alert.
13:52Sabrina?
13:53I mean, Jackie's one of my favorites.
13:55She's been on the show many times.
13:56Very funny.
13:58And I don't know a lot about penises, but I'm guessing based on Alistair's height, Jackie is the exact size
14:03of his dick.
14:04So that's going to be interesting to watch.
14:07Russell, your thoughts?
14:09I mean, I'm excited about this.
14:10Just looking at the height difference between the two of them.
14:12It's one short lady versus a tall lesbian.
14:15So this is going to be good.
14:16Okay, let's get this battle started.
14:18Jackie, are you ready?
14:19I'm ready.
14:20Alistair, are you ready?
14:22I am ready.
14:23Audience, are we ready?
14:25Well then, let's roast!
14:31So I took the train into Montreal, whereas Alistair flew in with his flux capacitor from the year 1939.
14:39Look at him, they don't even make that face anymore.
14:43Doesn't it look like he should be in sepia tone?
14:45It looks like he just stepped out of a Canadian heritage minute.
14:49I think Jackie's big break is coming soon.
14:52I think Jackie's big break.
14:53All Jackie needs, right, is just some executive in Hollywood to go,
14:59What if Minions had tits?
15:10Nobody's ever said that I have tits before.
15:14This rocks.
15:16Something about Alistair is that his parents are still together and happily married.
15:20And just by looking at him, I can only assume that what's kept them together all these years is their
15:25strong sibling bond.
15:37I don't know, yeah, this is cool, actually.
15:40Jackie did get hired recently to host a morning radio show.
15:44Pretty cool.
15:45Pretty cool.
15:46Yeah.
15:48And I think it was the perfect job for her, because she actually was already up at 4 a.m.
15:55every morning, squealing and scurrying through dumpsters.
16:00Alistair, if you haven't noticed, he does have trouble making eye contact.
16:03And it's not just the autism.
16:06If you look closely, his pupils are in two different time zones.
16:10It looks like this guy can see both weekends from a Wednesday.
16:14I don't know what she's talking about.
16:19Jackie's Instagram is mostly just videos of animals, with her doing this kind of in-character voiceover over the top.
16:27It sounds like this.
16:29Oh, somebody fuzzy is there.
16:33And she's been working on this character for years.
16:36This, like in the last few months, she finally got what we all kind of thought she deserved.
16:43Her husband left her.
16:52I miss him.
16:55I really miss him.
16:58Last joke.
17:06So, before Alistair ever started comedy, he worked as a camp counsellor.
17:12And, of course, the camp is no longer in operation.
17:15But they do do guided tours.
17:17And trigger warning, the shoe pile is a little bit upsetting.
17:24Jackie has a cat named Nutland.
17:27Yeah, a cat named Nutland.
17:30It's actually named after Jackie's face.
17:40Because that's where the nut lands.
17:49Alistair Ogden and Jackie Pierrick, I'll let them hear it.
17:53Wow.
17:55All right, K-Trev, how was that battle for you?
17:58That was really funny.
17:59Jackie, it's so great to see you again.
18:01I'm glad your insurance is finally covering dental.
18:06But, no, great battle.
18:07Awesome job, you guys.
18:09That was a deep cut.
18:10That was a deep cut.
18:11Season one cut.
18:13Sabrina, your post-game analysis.
18:15You're both very funny.
18:16True fact, in real life, tall people die before short people.
18:20And that fact applies to roasts.
18:26Sorry.
18:27I'm trying to be mean, too.
18:30It doesn't look good on me.
18:31You guys are both very funny.
18:33All right, Russell.
18:35This is life-size, right?
18:36Yeah.
18:36It's good.
18:38But I enjoyed that.
18:39I like when you get mean.
18:41I like when you both get mean.
18:43All right, judges, let's pick a winner.
18:44K-Trev, who you got?
18:45I thought Jackie came in really strong off the top.
18:48I thought Alistair was struggling a bit.
18:49And then when he started hitting the divorce stuff,
18:51he really hit his stride.
18:53But overall, point for point,
18:55I'm going with Jackie Pierricko on this one.
18:57All right.
18:59It's one for you, Jackie.
19:01Sabrina, who's your winner?
19:02I really loved your minion with tits joke,
19:05but I'm going to have to vote for the minion with tits.
19:08I'm voting for Jackie.
19:10Let's do it for Jackie.
19:11And Russell.
19:13Well, I thought Jackie started off great,
19:15and then Alistair came in with a strong finish,
19:18and I'm going to lean towards Alistair.
19:20However, because of majority rules,
19:22Jackie is the winner.
19:23Your winner is Jackie Pierricko, everybody.
19:26Let them hear it.
19:49Welcome back to Rose Battle Canada.
19:52If you're just joining us,
19:54you haven't missed anything
19:55that you won't be able to read
19:56in the court transcripts.
19:59And after such a wild night,
20:01let's go to the panel for their final judgments.
20:04Kate Trev.
20:05I think we've learned
20:06you can't be too mean in Rose Battles,
20:09but you can be too nice.
20:11And if you're going to get on this stage,
20:13go for blood,
20:14because that's fucking funny.
20:17Very nice.
20:18All right.
20:19We like that.
20:20Sabrina, your final judgments.
20:22That's right, you fucking bitch.
20:25I learned something tonight.
20:27I learned that black people
20:29put their notes in a phone
20:30while white people use regular paper.
20:34Yeah.
20:36All right.
20:36Russell, take us home.
20:37Your final judgments.
20:39My final thought.
20:40It was a great show tonight.
20:42The black guys brought it home.
20:44And I just think it would be
20:46so much better if we had a host.
20:52Well, that's all the time we have, Montreal.
20:55But in this country,
20:56masochism is bilingual,
20:57so now we'll be repeating
20:59this entire shit show in French.
21:02Bonne nuit, Canada.
21:03And remember,
21:04if you're watching,
21:05you're part of Les Problèmes.
21:12We got the world in a battle.
21:20We got the world in a battle.
21:29We got the world in a battle.
21:33We can be ready for battle!
21:38We can be ready for battle!
21:42We can be ready for battle!
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