Coping With The Loss Of My Daughter

Unfiltered Stories

Andrea Brunswick has faced years of anxiety and depression following the death of her father, leaving her with deep emotional scars. Despite her struggles, she found unexpected love in a man who reminded her of the bond she once had with her dad. Tragically, her newfound happiness was shattered when her husband passed away in his sleep. Left alone to raise two young children, with no job and no life insurance, Andrea was thrust back into the depths of grief and anxiety. Her story is one of resilience, as she navigates the overwhelming challenges life has thrown her way.   #survivorstories #mentalhealth #depression   Follow Andrea here: https://www.facebook.com/andreajuliabrunswick  https://www.instagram.com/andreabrunswick   Thank you for watching Unfiltered Stories! We offer a platform for our guests to speak openly about their life stories and journeys, shedding light on the challenges they faced and the resilience they've shown.  Our mission is to raise awareness about survivors by delving into their stories, exploring the impact of their experiences, and how they've managed to heal and rebuild their lives.  By sharing these stories, we aim to break the silence surrounding those challenging memories and create a compassionate environment.    🌅 FOLLOW US 🌅  Facebook ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredFB  Tiktok ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredTT  Snapchat ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredSN

Transcript

00:00My name is Kim Jones. I am 42 years young. I was born and raised partially in Brooklyn, New York,

00:08and I believe at the age of 9 or 10, we relocated abruptly to Florida. That's where I mainly grew

00:16up for about 15 and a half years, and we dated for, I want to say, maybe two years. That's

00:23what

00:23you want to call it, and we had Janice, and we were going to church, and I had met him

00:28there.

00:29At that, it wasn't love. It was simply lust, but at that age, you think every person you're

00:35with is love. So his aunt was the pastor of the church. We planned Janice so foolishly at

00:43very young, tender ages. When I was pregnant with Janice, it wasn't a happy pregnancy because

00:48he left me. I was very depressed during my pregnancy, and Janice was about, I want to say, three-ish

00:56your four-ish. I just told my mom, like, I can't do it. You know, she's my first child.

01:01I had no help from him, and I was bitter, and it's not that I didn't love her. I didn't

01:08love

01:09myself for bringing a child in this world so foolishly. I was living in the projects in

01:13Florida on welfare, and no degree, just a high school diploma from an alternative school,

01:19you know, nothing going for myself except being a customer service agent. I think I was selling

01:24kid books, and my mom said, all right, well, if you want to go live your life, I'll watch

01:29her, and that was all she had to say, and I went right to New York to live with my

01:33dad,

01:33and then I got my own place in New York, and it was a room in someone's house, and then

01:39from

01:39there, I went to Boston to live with my homegirl, and that fell through, and my mom had called

01:44me and said, you know, it's time for you to be a mother, and I believe Jeunesse was about

01:47going on seven then, and so when she sent Jeunesse to live with me in Boston, so I had to

01:54go find

01:55housing, and the Boston Department of Social Services put us up in a hotel, Jeunesse and

02:00I, and I think we were there for maybe two or three weeks, and then they called and told

02:05us to pack our things. They found us a woman and child shelter, so we stayed there, got involved

02:10with a church, CFCF. There was a stop and shop down the street from the shelter grocery

02:15store, and I went there with Jeunesse, and I speak to the manager, and when I, he came

02:20downstairs, I introduced myself, shook his hand, and I said, listen, just got in the shelter

02:25yesterday, the one down the street. I said, I don't have a job. I need to get out of there.

02:30Can you hire me? What can I do? And he says, well, we need cashiers, and I'm thinking, God,

02:35I'm in my early 30s. I'm going to be a cashier again. It was humbling, and I said, all right,

02:43well, how much will you start me? And he said, well, what's your experience? So I told him,

02:46he said, well, no more than about $7.50, and I just was like, $7? I told him, okay, and

02:54he gave me an application. Matter of fact, no, he told me to go on the website. I had a

02:57laptop,

02:58so I went back to the shelter, filled out the application at night, called him for about four

03:02days. Finally got him, came in for an interview with Janesse, told Janesse, sit down downstairs.

03:08She's a very manageable young girl. She came up and waited in the hallway, had my interview,

03:12and I started working there, and I saved up my money, and the peep in three months. The middle of

03:18November 2008, I found an apartment. It was about maybe seven blocks away from the shelter. It's a nice

03:25apartment. Then there was a small room on the side, and the master bedroom, which really wasn't master,

03:30but it was, it would have been our own. So I applied for it, and I had an interview with

03:36the

03:36management company. Janesse and I walked all the way from Stop and Shop, all the way there,

03:41had to figure out where it was, and the lady came out, and we walked around the block. She showed

03:45us

03:45the apartment, and the apartment was originally a thousand and something dollars, and while she's

03:50talking, I'm thinking, how am I going to afford that on $7.50? And she's just talking, and Janesse is

03:56like, this is my room. And I'm thinking, well, that's the only room that could be yours. And she

04:01said, so all we need is a thousand dollar down payment. And I'm thinking, dag nabbit, I don't

04:05have a thousand dollars. So I said, okay, I'll get it. I left there, and Janesse says, where are we

04:11going to get a thousand dollars? I said, Janesse, I don't know. We will not spend Christmas in the

04:16shelter. And so we went to church that following, and I remember I spoke to my pastor afterwards,

04:21Pastor Jeff Bianchi. I told him what happened, and he said, God's going to provide that thousand

04:26dollars. I said, I know he will. And that Monday, I was off, and the intake lady came up to

04:31our

04:32room and knocked on the door, and she said, because I had emailed her and told her what

04:36happened, and she said, you know, I remember when I met you, and she said, I want to apologize

04:40to you. She said, when you told me you wouldn't allow your daughter to spend Christmas in a

04:46shelter, she said, I just thought, wow, she's really ambitious and tenacious, and I said, I am.

04:50And she said, when I read your email, I couldn't believe what you told me. And she said, I told

04:55my director about you. And she went in her briefcase or whatever bag she had, and she

05:00pulled out a check, and she said, he personally wrote you a check for your down payment. And

05:05I just started crying. And I looked up, and I said, God, I thank you. And she said, yeah,

05:10so congratulations. And she said, you are the first person, she said, that I have ever seen

05:16push so hard. And I said, I told you I will not let my child spend Christmas in a

05:20shelter. And I meant that. And it was about two weeks before Christmas. These people furnished

05:27our entire apartment down to forks, down to soap, a bed for Jeunesse, a couch, a bed for

05:35me. I mean, literally furnished the same apartment Jeunesse died in. It was the same apartment they

05:41furnished. And after everybody moved us in, we all, about 18 of us all stood in the living

05:47room in a big circle. And we just prayed. And I'll just never forget that. And that's

05:52how we moved out of a shelter into our own apartment. I did not want Jeunesse because

05:58her father had left me. He wasn't there. He wasn't a good father. I felt like I made the

06:02foolish mistake of my life having her. And I just always thank God for my mother, Colleen,

06:08and my sister, Daria, because they took her. When it was time for her to come back, I realized

06:13I was her friend. My mom was her mom. Everything I did, if I put a cigarette to my mouth,

06:17I'm

06:17calling grandma. My mom's in Florida. What is she going to do? I'm grown. You know, but

06:22that's my, that's my truth. Jeunesse was a sweet kid. My mom taught her how to pray. My

06:28mom taught her how to fold up clothes. When Jeunesse came to live, went to live with me,

06:32Jeunesse knew how to fold up her own clothes. Her room was cleaner than mine because my mom

06:35is a neat freak. Her shoes were always neat in the closet. I'm like, God, that is so my mom.

06:39I couldn't imagine my determination was you've never spent Christmas in a shelter. You will not

06:45spend Christmas in a shelter. It wasn't for anybody else. It was for her. If it was just me,

06:50I would have spent Christmas in a shelter. It was free, but I had her. My thing was to teach

06:55her

06:55the significance of a struggle because when you're given things, when you enter this world, you don't

07:01really have an appreciation for not having them. But when you work for something and you obtain it on

07:06your own legally, you have more of appreciation, or you should, to care for them, than you sometimes,

07:12which I would hope people would do, you pay it forward. And she was just a good kid. And so

07:17I just

07:17wanted her to have the best. And at that time, I couldn't give her the best. So I had to

07:20humble

07:20myself, work as a cashier, 30-something, making nothing, save, save, save, and just show her this is

07:28what you do when you need to get what you want. So when she came to live with me, it

07:32was me trying to

07:34learn how to be a parent. She was a cool kid. Very sweet, very funny, very mannerable. Yes,

07:40ma'am. No, ma'am. Yes, thank you. No, thank you. My mom raised her well for the time period

07:45that she

07:45did. She loved the Lord. Janice was diagnosed with ADHD, I think at the age of three or four. I

07:52can't

07:52remember. I never wanted her to feel inferior or incompetent. I always wanted her to know that no

08:00matter what you put your mind to. I don't care ADHD, ABC. I don't care what anybody says about

08:07you or any label anybody puts on you. The fact that you have two societal strikes against you,

08:14you're a woman and you're black. It doesn't matter. You can do all things. So if someone says

08:19something to her that she cannot do something, she needs to remember what you recite every single

08:24morning and counteract that with, yes, I can. And if I can't do it today, I'm going to work hard

08:29and try to do it tomorrow. She was into science. She loved flowers and leaves. And my mom's been a

08:37teacher for years. So when it was fall, she would ask Janice to get the yellow hard leaves off the

08:43trees and make me wrap them up, put them in a Ziploc and ship them to Florida for her. We

08:49bonded over

08:50Martin Lawrence, the TV show Martin. She liked watching Oddly. And this is when she told me she

08:55wanted to be an anesthesiologist. Not in those words, but when she described what she saw,

09:00that's what she meant. She loved helping people. I had entered her, signed her up for soccer at her

09:06school. And she stopped the game because her teammate fell on the floor as she was kicking the ball.

09:11And the coach said, Janice, what are you doing? Keep kicking. She said she fell. I was just like,

09:17Oh my God. Like that was her. They lost the game because of Janice. But she said her teammate fell

09:26and she literally stopped kicking the ball, turned around and helped her teammate off the ground.

09:30Janice passed on October 5th, 2010. So I walked her to her school and then I caught the trolley

09:38to the, um, to the city. That morning I didn't drive my car to work. Janice was on the latchkey

09:44kid program where at a certain age they can have a key, um, and they could have a cell phone.

09:51So

09:51she knew, come home, lock the door behind you, wash your hands. You know, I would always have a snack

09:58in the fridge or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or she would make it herself sometimes. And, um,

10:05do your homework. Don't turn on TV and see the homework. And I, she would always call me as soon

10:09as she got home. So that day she called, I was busy, really busy, closing up clinic, getting clinic,

10:14ready to close up. And we had a lot of patience. And so when I answered the phone, I said,

10:19Janice,

10:19I can't really speak right now. You home? You good? And she said, yes, you know, this afternoon,

10:23um, I wrote a poem in class. You want to hear it? And I told her I couldn't hear it

10:27right now. I said,

10:28just wash your hands, eat your, eat your snack and do your homework. And her last words to me was,

10:33okay. And I just never forget that. You know, I couldn't even take the time to listen to her,

10:39her poem. I found the poem. I still have the poem, but that just hurt me because, you know,

10:44we run around so much in life and we forget the most important things. And you could hear the

10:49sadness in her voice. When I told her that I was like, all right, love you. And she said,

10:52I love you. And it just was like, blah. I just hung up the phone and I just knew I

10:56was going to

10:57see her that evening. So as I'm leaving work, I would always call her. So I kept calling her,

11:02calling her, had called her 18 times. And when I was on the bus, something was just bothering me,

11:07like in my stomach. And when the bus stopped at the, my stop and I got off, as soon as

11:13I crossed

11:13the street and every step I took is as if I was walking backwards. Like I started walking faster

11:18to the house, to the apartment. And I just felt like my body was walking backwards. I don't know

11:23how to explain it. I just felt like I wasn't getting closer to my apartment. And we had this

11:27thing where I would come to the door because it was a building of apartments and we lived on the

11:31first

11:31floor. And our number was four. And I would press it three times, one, two, three, and it would buzz

11:37in the apartment. And then she would come out to the window, make sure it was me. And then I

11:41had

11:41the key, but she would come out of our apartment and come down to the main door and open it.

11:45So I

11:45pressed it three times. And when she didn't come, I just knew, I knew I thought somebody kidnapped her,

11:53somebody followed her home. It is so many thoughts was running through my mind. So I opened the front

11:58door to the building. Then I walked up the steps and opened our door. Her shoes at the floor,

12:02her book bag was on the back of the chair at the table and her light was on. And I

12:07went in her,

12:08I didn't go in her room. I stood at the door of her room and I saw her homework or

12:13her folder with

12:14her stuff on the bed. And I was like, Janice, stop playing around Janice. Where are you? And I never

12:18went in her room first. I turned around, I went in the bathroom, I pulled the shower curtain and I

12:22said,

12:22Janice, stop playing. I'm not playing. And I went in my room. Our cat was in my closet, which was

12:27odd

12:27because our cat normally met us at the, met me at the door. And I didn't realize that until after

12:33everything. And so when I opened the closet, she was way in the back. Like, what are you doing in

12:38there? You know? And so I'm, I'm still looking for Janice. I look under my bed and I'm just like,

12:41that's like Janice. And then finally leaving my room, I stopped in the hallway and I called her.

12:46And so her phone started ringing. So I'm like, somebody took my child. So I followed the ring and I

12:52went in her room and it was on the floor in front of her closet. And when I went to

12:56bend down to pick up her

12:57phone, that's when I saw her feet. And I just looked up and it was just like, I was in

13:04a whole

13:04different world. And I'm standing there looking at her face, looking at her tongue, hanging out her

13:09mouth, looking at her eyes, looking at the whole expression. And I don't know to this day how long

13:15I stood there and looked at her just in awe. And the scarf was wrapped around her neck. It looked

13:21like

13:21she was tangled because the scarf was tangled like that. And the hanger rack was broke. So

13:27the coroner, because when they came, they took pictures of it and showed it to the coroner. The

13:31coroner said it looked as if she was playing and she tried to get down. And when she did,

13:36the rack broke and it snapped her neck in tune. And so I remember, I told my mom, I remember

13:42a big

13:42hand as I stood there, slapped my right cheek. And it was as if it was, I felt the slap

13:49on my face.

13:50And then I heard a voice say, take her down. And I just screamed. My neighbor in the basement told

13:56me

13:56maybe three weeks later, I heard you scream. And I was trying to dial 911, get the pass right,

14:04because my hands were shaking so much. And then I said, oh, she has a flip phone. So I took

14:09Janessa's

14:10phone. I dialed 911. And that was the beginning of pure hell in my life for about five years.

14:19Mental hell, physical hell, regret, shame, guilt. So the ambulance came right away because there was

14:26a hospital down the street from where we lived. And I remember the guy coming out, the surgeon or

14:32whoever he was, and he knelt, I was sitting on the chair, he knelt down and he said, we had

14:37a heartbeat,

14:38but we lost it. Do you want us to continue to try to, to try to, with her? And I

14:44said, yes. And

14:48then the guy came in again, the doctor, and he told me, I'm sorry. Like, you know,

14:54we couldn't save her. And I just, I just lost it. And I remember after that, a lady came in

15:00and she

15:00knelt down in front of me and said, I know this is an awkward time for us to ask you

15:04this, but

15:05would you be willing to donate Janessa's organs? The only reason I said yes was because I think it

15:11was two weeks before that Janessa and I was watching TLC, Life in the ER or something like

15:17that. And there was a guy, something happened to him and something had punctured his kidney or his

15:24liver. I can't remember. And Jay had asked me, what is that? You know, I was like, it's organs.

15:30The family said on the show that they wanted to donate his organs. And she said, well, so donate

15:36means what? I was like, donate. I said, you know how we went to Goodwill with your clothes one day

15:40and we gave to, so other kids can wear them. I said, you donated your clothes to Goodwill. She

15:45says, so give, give. I said, yes, give. You know, like, let me finish cooking. She said, well, I want

15:51to do that when I die. And I turned around and looked and I was, I said, Janessa, you want

15:56to donate

15:56your organs when you die? She says, can I use them when I'm dead? I said, no. She says, well,

16:00what am I

16:00keeping it for? That was the only reason I told that lady yes, because of that conversation. Whether

16:06she really didn't know what she was saying at the time or not, those are words spoken

16:11out of her mouth. Until this day, I get letters from the Boston donation program or wherever

16:18of kids that when a little boy received her cornea, I think a little girl received one

16:23of her lungs so far. And I always sign waivers that they send me that when the children get

16:27older, if they want to contact me, they'll have to reach out to them and they'll contact me

16:31and then we can meet up so they can meet me or whatever. But I'm glad that her organs was

16:35able

16:35to save some kids' lives. Then my pastor had put us up in a hotel because there was media at

16:40my

16:41apartment. My apartment was deemed a crime scene, so I couldn't even go in there for a few days.

16:46My phone was left in her room because I had chose to use her phone to dial 911, so I

16:52couldn't get my

16:52phone because it was a part of a crime scene. And I gave up my apartment and the management of

16:58my

16:58apartment, the same lady who showed me the apartment, they didn't charge me, just told I can't

17:04stay here anymore. I left everything. I couldn't even work. My job raised money for me, but eventually

17:10they had to let me go because I wasn't even mentally stable to do anything. And I remember

17:16Carolyn, I would stay with her sometimes and I would get up in the middle of the night

17:20because I was scared of the dark. Seeing her like that, I was terrified to sleep next to a closet.

17:26I was scared of the dark. I was scared to use the bathroom late in the night. I had tried

17:29to

17:31commit suicide. That didn't work. So I wasn't good at that. And then I started going to therapy

17:35and I didn't want to go to therapy. My doctor made me go to therapy. I'm thinking, oh God,

17:39I just want to go back home and sleep. And she reversed psychology me that day. Of course,

17:46I didn't know. As we were walking around the lake, she starts to tell me about her life,

17:51how she grew up and how she met her husband and college she went to and some things that happened

17:57to her negatively in her life. And I'm thinking, I don't care. You know, and we're walking,

18:02we just walked that whole hour and that entire hour, she had a session with me. And when we were

18:09finished, we went back upstairs and I signed out and she's like, um, so I'll see you next week.

18:13And I said, yeah, that next week I started talking to her. Sadly, it took this for me to realize

18:19everybody should be having therapy. My heart hurts for anyone that has had to go through the death of a

18:27child. I don't care what age they are. It's still your child. As much as I disliked my mom,

18:33always making us go to church when we were younger. God, I hated it sincerely. I felt like

18:37we should have packed our bags and just lived there. It gave me a foundation. We don't see

18:42the end of our life. We don't see tomorrow or a week from now, you know, but I believe in

18:46the Lord

18:47and I believe that he has already planned out our life and things that he has not planned that

18:51happened such as this. He does in Romans 8 38. He turns it around for our good. Some may say,

18:58how is your daughter dying? Especially the way she did die. Good. That's not good. But what transpired

19:04within my life turned out to be good. Don't suffer alone. You got to have a good circle around you,

19:11especially a good support system. And if you haven't already seek God, because you're going to need some

19:17type of love beyond the love you get, and you may not have a support system, you're going to need

19:22to

19:22learn to lean on something. When you do heal or as you are healing, my mom told me when we

19:28were in the

19:28hotel and I was on the bed crying. She was on the chair reading the Bible and I just cried

19:33in the

19:33pillow. I soaked that pillow and she got on her knees and knelt beside me. She said, you shall live

19:38and not die. Janessa's death is not for you. And I didn't understand it at that moment, but I get

19:42it now

19:43because I'm able to do things like this to tell my story and I'm able to heal every each time

19:48I tell

19:48it. So just have a good support system. Even if nothing negative happens in your life, make sure

19:54you surround yourself with positive people. My life now is going well. It's going well. I had, um,

20:01it's funny because when Janessa died, I literally told God in my anger, I will never have kids again

20:07because I always just wanted one kid. I met my husband in 2017, December. I was working at a

20:14urology clinic and he just kept chasing me and bothering me. I was like, God, this guy's corny.

20:19I don't like him. And you know, he's just bothering me. He's patient. And he was so nice. He was

20:23just so

20:23nice all the time. And finally, after three months of him stalking me, I decided to let him take me

20:30out

20:30to dinner and we married a year later, January 26th of 2019. And, um, promise our daughter was born

20:38May 4th, 2021. She was born 14 weeks early. So she spent 85 days in the NICU, which was very

20:45tough.

20:45Yeah. She'll be two in a few weeks and it has been a trying time. And I never would have

20:51thought I

20:51would have, if I was standing there at Janessa's grave again, and somebody showed me my future,

20:56I would have laughed if I would have seen another kid. I would have laughed. And when I tell you

21:01this little girl brings so much joy to me and I love her. And I told you earlier that I

21:07wasn't a

21:07great mom to Janessa. I was her friend. I wasn't her mom, but I'm a mom now. I'm the mom

21:13now to

21:14promise that I should have been to Janessa. I have a deeper compassion and empathy for people that go

21:20through tragedy. Sometimes when people are crying, don't hug them. Sometimes they need to cry.

21:25They need to just let things out and don't cry in people's lives. The media had just so much

21:31and my daughter's death was deemed accident by asphyxiation and everybody was calling it a

21:39suicide. And it just broke me. So now I just learned not to cry in people's lives, you know,

21:43and don't believe everything you read or you hear the gossip, the rumors, just let people

21:49heal and grieve as they please. And I'm just grateful for this. And this is not a

21:55about me. It's about helping somebody else get through something they're going through

22:00and letting them know they're not alone. And so thank you for reaching out to me and contacting

22:06me back and making this possible.

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