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00:01As the war in Iran stretches on, it's being reported that Trump officials are buying doomsday bunkers,
00:08with at least two members of the president's cabinet purchasing bomb-proof bunkers.
00:13A spokesperson for Atlas Survival Shelters says he even got a text from one asking,
00:19when will my bunker be ready?
00:50To make a decision before their boss mistakes his Diet Coke button for the nuclear button,
00:55it's all coming up on House Hunters Doomsday Bunker.
00:58And then, stay tuned for Love It or Epstein List It.
01:02It's a late show with Stephen Colbert.
01:07Tonight, straight misbehaving, plus Stephen welcomes Clarissa Warren and Pete Holmes.
01:24And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City, it's Stephen Colbert!
01:53Thank you very much.
01:54Thank you, you lovelies out there.
01:57Welcome, you wonderful people.
02:00Welcome to The Late Show.
02:01I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
02:05It is day 12 of Trump's Not a War with Iran,
02:10and all attention is on one of the world's most important shipping lanes,
02:16the Strait of Hormuz.
02:17Which brings us to the latest edition of Hormuz News You Can Use.
02:23It continues.
02:26Now, if you were paying attention in eighth grade geography, first of all, nerd!
02:34Second, you would know the Strait of Hormuz is this narrow body of water in the Persian Gulf
02:38through which 20% of the world's oil travels.
02:42So, a direct threat to the world economy that Iran has begun laying mines in the Strait of Hormuz.
02:49Oh, no.
02:50That's going to truly make it a dire strait.
03:06No one knows exactly how many mines Iran has,
03:09but estimates say their stock ranges from 2,000 to 6,000 naval mines.
03:13But experts say shipping traffic can stop almost immediately once a single tanker has hit a mine,
03:19or even if insurers just believe that the threat is credible.
03:22Insurers don't want to get caught up in all that.
03:25They have to focus on their core business of adding characters to the extended flow universe.
03:32It's not just mines, either.
03:33If you thought it was just mines, you're wrong, Luz.
03:36It's not just mines.
03:38Iran has also covered the Strait with shore-based missiles and explosive-laden boats,
03:42and since the fighting began, 10 vessels have been attacked,
03:45and last night, three more were hit by projectiles.
03:48The Strait of Hormuz is now the most unsafe place to be on a boat,
03:53narrowly surpassing with your recently divorced uncle who wants to see what this baby can do.
03:59Come on.
03:59Here we go.
04:00Hold on, everybody.
04:01Hold on.
04:01Here we go.
04:02Hold on.
04:19There's no end in sight, either.
04:21Earlier this week, Iran said that until the United States and Israel end their attacks,
04:25it will not allow even one liter of oil to leave the region.
04:30Okay, but liters are meaningless to Americans.
04:33We need an hour system of measurement, like gallon or gulp.
04:39All of this is causing complete chaos in the oil market.
04:43So yesterday, to reassure all that nervous money out there,
04:47we heard from Secretary of Energy and man telling a crab to put down the kitchen knife,
04:54Chris Wright.
04:56Wright posted on social media saying,
04:58the U.S. Navy successfully escorted an oil tanker through the Strait of Hormuz to ensure oil remains
05:04flowing to global markets.
05:06But the message vanished within minutes, because it turns out, that never happened.
05:11But not before Wall Street went all bonkers, believing things are going to be okay,
05:15with futures for oil, diesel, and gasoline sliding, and stocks jumping up.
05:20But then, when the tweet was deleted, investors were left struggling.
05:24And there's already too much drama in the life of an investor.
05:27Just look at Wall Street.
05:29Wall Street 2, money never sleeps.
05:31Wall Street 3, this cocaine's not hitting like it used to.
05:34And, of course, Wall Street 4, rush hour 2.
05:39This is...
05:41This is now hitting Americans at the gas pump.
05:44According to...
05:47Ah...
05:48Sorry, I misread that.
05:49According to AAA...
05:54That was a mistake.
05:55Before the war...
06:00It's an easy mistake.
06:01It's a simple mistake.
06:02Before the war, the average price was $2.98 a gallon.
06:06Today, it's $3.58.
06:08Yeah.
06:09Yeah.
06:11That's the wrong...
06:12That's the wrong direction.
06:13Looks like we might have to downgrade some of our summer travel plans.
06:16Disney World?
06:17No, kids.
06:18I said I'd take you to Dizzy World.
06:20Now, get on the tire swing.
06:22I'm gonna whip you around for a while while Grandma sings Hakuna Matata.
06:29Trump is...
06:30She doesn't know the lyrics.
06:31Trump is scrambling to minimize the political damage, posting, uh, this week,
06:36short-term oil prices, which will drop rapidly when the destruction of the Iran nuclear...
06:42It's a very small price to pay for USA and world safety and peace.
06:49I mean, easy for him to say.
06:51He doesn't pay for his own gas.
06:53That's anyone who stands behind him.
06:57Somehow...
07:06Somehow, President Businessman didn't see all this coming.
07:10Reportedly, this weekend's oil price spike caught White House staffers off guard.
07:14According to one, it was insane.
07:16It absolutely surprised the administration.
07:19Really?
07:20You were surprised that bombing the place the oil comes from makes the oil cost more?
07:27Huh? Huh?
07:28I thought burning down the Ann Taylor loft would lead to more sensible workplace separates.
07:34Huh?
07:36That's what I thought.
07:39Trump went to Ohio today to sort of sell his war.
07:43And while he was there touring a factory, Fox News' Peter Doocy asked this.
07:48You just said it is a little excursion and you said it is a war.
07:53So which one is it?
07:54Well, it's both.
07:55It's both.
07:56It's an excursion that will keep us out of a war.
08:01And the war is going to be, I mean, for them it's a war.
08:05For us it's turned out to be easier than we thought.
08:12It's a war, but it's an excursion.
08:17And it's not.
08:18And it's a shampoo while also being a conditioner.
08:23Keeps down the nuclear and the flakes.
08:26Yay.
08:28Gas prices aren't the only thing.
08:32Smattering of applause.
08:36nothing. You can work. You can. No, no. No. I don't need your pity.
08:49I want it, but I don't need it. Gas prices aren't the only thing the administration is
08:54confused about. Take Trump special envoy and Bilbo banker Steve Whitcoff. Whitcoff is part
09:01of Trump's, like, little inner circle there, and he directly negotiated for the United States
09:06with Iran, so it was not particularly reassuring when he said this on CNBC.
09:11So how do you see this ending, this war?
09:18I don't know, Sarah. I know that seems a little concerning,
09:25but remember, Churchill showed that same resolve in his address to a worried nation.
09:29We shall fight them on, uh, I don't know, uh, uh, uh, Sarah. I'm late for a thing. Smoke bomb!
09:40Americans, he had smoke bombs? He had smoke bombs.
09:49Americans aren't just getting punched in the pump. This week, aluminum prices jumped to their
09:54highest level in almost four years, but that's okay, because we can just call on our British allies.
09:59They have something very similar called aluminum.
10:03We can ask them where they got that. This crisis is because some of the world's major aluminum
10:09smelters are in Qatar in Bahrain. In other words, if you smelt it, you are currently being bombed by Iran.
10:18Big agriculture could also be in trouble, because one of the byproducts of oil refining
10:21is a main ingredient of fertilizer called urea, and urea prices have risen as much as 35% since the
10:29war began.
10:30Well, maybe they could just tap into America's strategic reserve of urea, the D-train.
10:36In fact, I know one guy who will give you some whether you ask for it or not.
10:44Another thing is about to be more expensive, because more than a quarter of the world's helium supply
10:49could be cut off if the Strait of Hormuz remains closed.
10:54I wonder what this next joke is going to be.
10:59I wonder what this is going to be.
11:00I wonder what this is going to be.
11:01No!
11:11Speaking of trouble, we just learned that the Department of Homeland Security spent millions
11:18on vehicles, custom-wrapped to say ICE, even though it's against protocol for ICE officers
11:24to drive identifiable vehicles in public.
11:34It's a cheap hot.
11:37So they got all these vehicles, they say ICE, and that's against the rules.
11:40Let's take a look.
11:41They got the logo, they got red stripes, and defend the homeland in straight-to-VHS RoboCop sequel font.
11:49And you can't see it in this image, but the cars also have a golden decal of President Trump's name,
11:54which is why it just won the J.D. Power & Associates Award for Best Mid-Sized SUV for Curbside
12:01Urination.
12:11That could be a great source of urea.
12:14Because they're now unusable, these thousands of ICE-branded vehicles are just sitting in parking garages.
12:21Well, come on, they could easily be resold if they just touched up the paint job.
12:25You could sell one to a local ice cream vendor.
12:29Or you could sell one to Kid Rock.
12:33Speaking of cars...
12:38I don't know. I don't know.
12:39What is he?
12:40Seems like a lovely guy.
12:41Seems like a lovely guy.
12:43Speaking of cars, earlier this week, the White House announced some insane details
12:46of their upcoming America 250 birthday celebration, specifically the Freedom 250 Grand Prix,
12:53an IndyCar race in downtown Washington.
12:56Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum told us why this idea was so good.
13:02When we think about America's 250 years, it's really hard to think about anything that's more American than cars.
13:08It's long been said Americans have always had a love affair with their cars.
13:12It's true.
13:13We've all seen the bumper sticker.
13:14If this car's a-rockin', it's because I'm bangin' this car.
13:18We've got a great show for you tonight.
13:21My guests are Felicia Ward and E. Holmes.
13:24And when we come back, thoughts for your penny.
13:54There you go.
13:55We'll give it to Louis Cato and the great Big Joy Machine.
14:04Folks, so many beloved cornerstones of American life are disappearing,
14:08like the Kennedy Center, the East Wing of the White House, and Forever 21.
14:14I guess the old saying is true.
14:16Nothing lasts 21.
14:18And now another American classic has bitten the dust,
14:21because last year we learned that by executive order,
14:24and citing the fact that a penny costs more to make than its actual value,
14:28the United States government would stop production of the penny.
14:32Making this, yes, making this the worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln's head.
14:40Our penny, don't applaud.
14:43You can laugh, you can't applaud that one.
14:47Our penny was the brainchild of the first secretary of the treasury,
14:51Alexander Hamilton, a fact covered in the smash hit Broadway musical,
14:54Hamilton 2, this one's about the coinage act.
14:58The original penny design featured a woman with flowing hair, symbolizing liberty,
15:03and the spirit of the Declaration of Independence,
15:06the chief among our rights, our life, liberty,
15:08and the pursuit of beachy waves that stay bouncy between washes.
15:12It's woven into our very language and culture.
15:14Penny pinching, penny Annie, pitching pennies, pennies from heaven,
15:18the good luck penny,
15:19and older audience members might remember,
15:22back in the day, you could fix a blown fuse by sticking a penny in the socket,
15:28which to this day remains the most cost-effective way to burn your house down.
15:36Don't do it.
15:38Also, say goodbye to the iconic take a penny, leave a penny tray.
15:41Anyway, I gotta confess, as a kid, when the clerk's back was turned,
15:44I would sometimes eat a whole handful.
15:49But no one seems to be talking about the biggest loss of all,
15:52and that's the penny press machine.
15:54An American institution, you want memories, you want excitement?
15:58Well, for just 51 cents, you could have an oblong, flattened memento
16:03of Myrtle Beach, or the sunset in Petoskey, Michigan,
16:06or the great blue heron of South Carolina.
16:09Sure, you could just take a picture,
16:11but then you'd never be able to look down from heaven
16:13as your grandkids rummage through that little tray on your dresser
16:16and say, wow, Grandpa once went to the Cincinnati Zoo.
16:22He truly lived a rich life.
16:25Penny presses were introduced at the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893,
16:29which sounds dull today, but in the 19th century,
16:32the only two pastimes were pressing pennies
16:35or delicately coughing blood into a kerchief.
16:41And to this day, penny presses are built right here in America, folks,
16:46like at the Penny Press Machine Company in Little Canada, Minnesota.
16:52Good people at Penny Press.
16:54Good folks there.
16:55What are they supposed to make now?
16:56Machines that press dimes?
16:58I think that's enough from you.
17:00There are up to 300 billion pennies still in circulation right now,
17:05and more than ever, people are going to need somewhere to crush them.
17:08So I commissioned the folks at the Penny Press Machine Company
17:11to build us a custom-made late-show penny press.
17:14Bring it out, y'all!
17:25There you go.
17:26There you go.
17:32There you go.
17:39Mr. President, Mr. President, thank you so much
17:42for coming back from the dead to do jokes about pennies.
17:44No problem, Steve.
17:46I just love going to the theater.
17:49Good man.
17:50Good man.
17:51This is the late-show penny press, sir,
17:54which makes four custom designs.
17:57Four?
17:58Score!
18:01Mr. President,
18:03we would love you to press the very first penny in it.
18:06Would you do the honors, sir?
18:08Okay.
18:12Here we go.
18:13Very exciting.
18:19Mr. President,
18:20what image was pressed onto your penny?
18:22Oh, it's a little penny.
18:25That's right.
18:27One of the design options.
18:29That's right.
18:30The design options are me, the band,
18:34the Ed Sullivan Theater,
18:36or a tiny image of a penny
18:42on this penny
18:45commemorating the fact
18:47that there will be no more pennies.
18:50This penny press machine
18:52will be in the lobby of the Ed Sullivan Theater
18:54until now, until the end of the show,
18:56when it will be shoved off the Triborough Bridge.
19:00Until then,
19:01our audience members can make their own late-show penny,
19:03and everyone here
19:04is going to go home with one tonight.
19:06Thank you, Mr. President.
19:07Thank you, Stephen.
19:09We'll be right back
19:10with Clarissa Ward.
19:13And every time it rains,
19:16it rains pennies from heaven.
19:20And every time it rains,
19:23it rains pennies from heaven.
19:25Shoot me, shoot me.
19:28Welcome back.
19:33Folks,
19:34my first guest tonight
19:36is a Peabody Award-winning journalist
19:39and CNN's chief international correspondent.
19:41Please welcome back to the Late Show,
19:43Clarissa Ward.
19:44Clarissa, can you hear me?
19:45There you go.
19:47Hi, Clarissa.
19:49Now, you're not here with us right now
19:51because you're abroad covering the war in Iran.
19:54Where are you joining us from tonight?
19:56I am in the lovely city of Erbil
19:59in northern Iraq,
20:01in Iraqi Kurdistan,
20:02about 60 miles from the border with Iran.
20:05Secretary Hegseth has told us
20:06that the attack on Iran
20:09is continuing and growing every day.
20:12There, Waller, where you are,
20:14do you see sorties of American flights
20:16and missiles going in right now?
20:19We sometimes hear jets in the skies.
20:22It's not clear whose jets those would be,
20:25presumably the U.S.,
20:26although possibly Israel as well.
20:28What we hear more here,
20:30in fact, we heard them just a little while
20:31before coming on the show,
20:33are drone attacks
20:35and some missile attacks, too.
20:36And those are targeting U.S. bases sometimes,
20:40hotels sometimes,
20:41Iranian Kurdish opposition groups sometimes.
20:44But they are coming in pretty regularly
20:47and certainly pretty much every single night.
20:51Well, Secretary Hegseth has said
20:53that this war is just at the beginning.
20:55Trump has said it is very complete.
20:58Then he said it is ending soon.
21:01There has been a sort of vagueness
21:02and definition of what victory
21:04or an exit strategy is
21:05or what the goals are.
21:07From where you are
21:08and what you're hearing,
21:09do you have any greater sense
21:10of what the purpose
21:11or the endgame might be here?
21:14You know, Stephen,
21:16my good friend, journalist,
21:17Hala Gharani, today,
21:19quoted Machiavelli,
21:20who wrote,
21:21Wars will begin when you will,
21:23but they do not end when you please.
21:26And so I think this war
21:28is particularly disconcerting
21:30in the sense that it is so difficult
21:32to prognosticate or predict
21:35when it will end,
21:37how far it will unravel,
21:39how far the repercussions will reach.
21:42We're talking about 13 or 14 countries
21:45have now become embroiled
21:47in one way or another
21:49with this conflict.
21:50I'm not sure that that was part
21:52of the calculus going into this.
21:54And most importantly,
21:56let's just talk for a second
21:57about the Iranian people
21:58because for all the declarations
22:00from the U.S.,
22:02from President Trump,
22:03from Israel's Prime Minister
22:04Benjamin Netanyahu
22:05about Iranians,
22:07take to the street,
22:08take your country back.
22:09The Iranians,
22:10the few Iranians
22:11that we've been able
22:12to get in touch with
22:13because obviously
22:14there has been
22:14an internet blackout
22:15since this war began
22:17are mostly hiding.
22:19They're hiding
22:20from relentless bombardment.
22:22They're hiding
22:23from a brutal regime
22:24that has made very clear
22:26that they will shoot to kill
22:28if anyone dares
22:29to take to the streets.
22:32And for those ordinary
22:33Iranian people,
22:34I can only imagine
22:36how horrifying it is right now
22:37to have just so little sense
22:39of where this is going
22:41and what the metric is
22:42for victory
22:43for the United States.
22:45How...
22:46Do you have a sense
22:47where you are?
22:48Obviously, you're in Iraq right now.
22:49You're, as you said,
22:5160 miles from the border.
22:52These are close neighbors.
22:54Do you have some sense
22:55of how this is being received
22:57by the countries
22:58that are affected by this,
23:00the ones who have been attacked
23:01in response
23:02to the United States
23:03and Israel's bombing of Iran?
23:04I think for all of these countries
23:06that have come under fire now,
23:09retaliatory fire from Iran,
23:10whether it's the Gulf countries,
23:12whether it's Iraqi Kurdistan,
23:14where I am,
23:15there is a sense of dread,
23:18like, oh my God,
23:19not this again.
23:21Are we seriously going
23:22to get dragged
23:24into some protracted
23:25regional conflagration
23:27which has the potential
23:29to escalate
23:30in so many different ways?
23:33You know,
23:34when you think back
23:34to the U.S. invasion
23:36of Iraq in 2003,
23:37and everybody kind of laughed
23:39at then-Secretary of Defense
23:41Donald Grumsfeld
23:42when he talked about
23:43the known knowns
23:44and then the unknown unknowns.
23:46And I think for the people
23:48who live here,
23:50it's the fear
23:51of the unknown unknowns
23:52and the fear
23:54that maybe no one
23:56in the White House
23:57right now
23:57is really trying
23:59to get to grips
24:00with what those unknowns
24:01might be
24:02in order to potentially
24:04mitigate this
24:05getting even bloodier
24:07and even uglier.
24:08As you said,
24:09that there's a news blackout
24:11in Iran,
24:11what are the stories
24:13that were possibly
24:14missing here
24:15in the region
24:16because there isn't a way
24:18to actually convey
24:18the reality on the ground?
24:21Well, first of all,
24:22I really want to give
24:23a big shout-out
24:24to my colleague,
24:25Fred Pleitgen,
24:26who was just inside Iran
24:28for a week
24:29and working under
24:31incredibly stressful
24:32and dangerous conditions
24:34and doing really
24:36important reporting.
24:37But I think he would be
24:38the first to admit
24:40that you are very challenged
24:41even when you are
24:42lucky enough
24:43to actually be
24:44on the ground in Iran
24:45to really talk to people
24:47because they are so frightened.
24:49And so what we are missing
24:51right now so clearly
24:53is the humanity of this.
24:55We're not seeing
24:57the mothers
24:57of those 168 children
25:00who were killed
25:01almost certainly
25:02by a U.S. tomahawk.
25:05We're not seeing
25:06the people hiding
25:08in their bathrooms,
25:09clutching their children
25:10as the ceiling comes down.
25:14We're not seeing people
25:15who were cheering
25:17when the Ayatollah,
25:19when the Supreme Leader
25:20was killed,
25:21but who have now been told
25:23that if there are more reports
25:25coming from that apartment block
25:26that anyone's cheering
25:28or booing,
25:28that they will be raided.
25:31And the fear
25:31that they live with,
25:33the trauma
25:34that they went through
25:35in January,
25:35more than 7,000 people
25:37massacred
25:38for taking to the streets
25:40and demanding
25:41freedom
25:42and a better future,
25:44we are not getting
25:46that texture,
25:48that layer
25:49of complexity
25:51and humanity,
25:52which frankly,
25:53as a war correspondent,
25:55to be trying
25:55to cover this,
25:57it feels like
25:58you are looking
25:59through a keyhole.
26:01And it's incredibly
26:03frustrating
26:03and humbling,
26:04but it is what it is
26:06and we continue
26:07to try to do
26:08the best that we can.
26:09We have to take
26:10a quick break.
26:11We'll be right back
26:11with more Clarissa Ward,
26:13everybody.
26:19Hey, everybody.
26:20We're back
26:21with CNN's Clarissa Ward
26:23from Erbil, Iraq.
26:26There was some talk
26:27about the Kurds
26:28taking up arms
26:29and joining this fight
26:30to help overthrow
26:31the Iranian regime.
26:33First of all,
26:34who are the Kurds?
26:36I'm really glad you asked
26:38because I know,
26:39I think sometimes
26:40people are too shy
26:41to ask because they're like,
26:42I know I should really
26:42know more about the Kurds.
26:44The Kurds are the largest
26:46ethnic group in the world
26:47without a state.
26:48There's about 30 to 40
26:49million Kurds.
26:51They are spread out
26:52across a number
26:53of countries,
26:54but primarily Iran,
26:56Iraq, Turkey, and Syria.
26:58And I guess the first
26:59thing to say is that
27:00the Kurds,
27:01unsurprisingly,
27:02therefore,
27:02are not a monolith.
27:04And there are many
27:05different Kurdish political
27:07and fighting factions
27:08spread throughout the region.
27:10And at one stage,
27:12the U.S.
27:13was actively considering
27:15and indeed the CIA
27:17had already begun
27:17supporting some of the
27:19Iranian Kurdish
27:20opposition groups
27:22that are based here
27:23in Iraqi Kurdistan,
27:25which then was really
27:27creating a huge amount
27:28of tension here
27:29in Iraqi Kurdistan
27:31because the Iranians
27:32responded by saying,
27:33we're going to flatten
27:34the whole of Iraqi Kurdistan
27:36if a single fighter
27:37crosses that border.
27:39And then President Trump
27:41changed his mind again.
27:43And for now,
27:44that seems to have
27:45kind of died away
27:47as an option
27:49for the moment.
27:49Let's see.
27:50I imagine that
27:51as a war correspondent
27:54for many years,
27:55part of the job
27:57is to convey
27:59to those of us
28:00who aren't there
28:01the tragedy
28:02and the horror
28:04that is war
28:05and that requires
28:07to a certain level
28:07not being desensitized
28:09to it yourself.
28:10And that must be
28:12harder
28:14at some times,
28:15especially when now
28:16violence is being
28:17so celebrated
28:18in odd ways
28:19by our own
28:21Pentagon press office.
28:23They recently put out
28:24a video
28:24where they used clips
28:25from Call of Duty
28:27to do sort of
28:28a triumphal celebration
28:30of the destruction
28:30of Iran.
28:31as someone
28:32who's been
28:32to so many
28:33of these conflicts
28:34and seen the reality
28:35for humans
28:35on the ground,
28:36what's your reaction
28:37to that sort of
28:40the glitz
28:41and the glamour
28:42they're trying
28:43to put on this violence?
28:46I mean,
28:48obviously,
28:48as a journalist,
28:49I'm really not supposed
28:50to say this,
28:51but I feel deeply ashamed.
28:53And I think
28:54it belies
28:55a staggering
28:56lack of humility.
28:58And frankly,
28:58it doesn't really matter
29:00so much what I think
29:01or feel about it.
29:02It matters
29:02how people here
29:04feel about it.
29:05It matters how people
29:06in Iran feel about it.
29:08And I think
29:10it just plays
29:11into the worst stereotypes
29:13about America
29:14and how America
29:16wields its power
29:17and what America
29:18cares about.
29:19And for so many
29:21in this region
29:22who have just felt
29:23dehumanized
29:25and humiliated
29:27for decades now.
29:31Yeah,
29:32it's just,
29:33it's a lot.
29:35It's hard
29:36to keep
29:36your attention
29:38on
29:39so many conflicts
29:41at once.
29:42You recently returned
29:42from Ukraine.
29:43You spoke to Zelensky
29:45while you were there.
29:46What did you learn?
29:47I learned
29:48that there's
29:49not just a bit
29:51of bitterness,
29:51but like genuine
29:52hurt and confusion
29:54as to why
29:55the United States
29:56went to being
29:57the biggest champion
29:58and supporter
29:59of Ukraine
30:00to not seemingly
30:03being terribly
30:04engaged
30:05on this issue.
30:07And I learned
30:08that people
30:09have a breaking point.
30:10You know,
30:10they just lived
30:11through a winter
30:12where it was
30:13unbelievably freezing,
30:16sub-zero temperatures
30:17every day,
30:18Russians bombing
30:19the energy infrastructure
30:21every day,
30:22blackouts,
30:23no heat.
30:24I spent an afternoon
30:25with a young single mother
30:27who has to walk
30:29her three-year-old daughter
30:30up and down
30:31ten flights of stairs
30:32every day
30:33because there's no power
30:35and the elevator
30:36doesn't work.
30:37And I spoke to a lot
30:38of people who said,
30:39you know,
30:40I don't really ever want
30:41to hear the word
30:41resilient again.
30:43Like,
30:43we're not superhuman.
30:45We're human.
30:46And everybody
30:47has a limit.
30:49Well,
30:49thank you so much
30:50for joining us.
30:51I know it's early
30:52in the morning
30:53over there.
30:54And obviously,
30:55please stay safe.
30:56And we look forward
30:57to all your coverage
30:58on CNN
30:59where you can watch
31:00Clarissa's coverage
31:01from Iraq.
31:02Clarissa Ward,
31:03everybody.
31:04We'll be right back
31:04with Pete Holmes.
31:19Welcome back.
31:23Folks,
31:23my next guest
31:24is a comedian
31:26you know
31:26from Crashing
31:27How We Roll
31:28and his stand-up specials.
31:29His new special
31:30is Silly, Silly Fun Boy.
31:32Please welcome back
31:33to The Late Show
31:34Pete Holmes.
32:01Hi.
32:01Just taking ownership
32:02of the space.
32:03Hey,
32:03how old are you?
32:04I'm going to be 47
32:05this very month.
32:06You're going to be 47?
32:07Because I heard
32:08that you might be
32:09approaching your late 40s
32:10and I said,
32:10he's so young
32:11and youthful
32:11and sprightly.
32:12I was quite surprised.
32:13Look who's talking.
32:14Yeah, well,
32:15me.
32:16You.
32:16Yeah.
32:18Look,
32:18if anybody is 27
32:19and they're worried
32:20about being 47,
32:22it's not that bad.
32:22No, it's not.
32:23It's not that bad.
32:24Yes,
32:25it's the little things.
32:25I remember fondly.
32:26Right?
32:26Yeah.
32:27It's the little things
32:27that let you know
32:28you're getting older.
32:29I'll give you an example.
32:30I got in bed
32:31the other night
32:31with my wife,
32:32Bragg.
32:35I was barefoot
32:36and she was barefoot
32:37so I put my barefoot
32:39on her barefoot.
32:41You know,
32:41keeping that
32:43passion alive.
32:45You laugh,
32:46but in your 40s,
32:47that's some kinky stuff
32:48right there.
32:48A foot?
32:49Just contact.
32:50Just contact of any kind.
32:52I'll put a foot on a foot.
32:53Yeah.
32:53And I'm not making this up.
32:55This is a quote.
32:55She goes,
32:56Pete,
32:56are you wearing shoes?
33:00That's 47.
33:01That is the texture
33:02of my barefoot.
33:04She thought it was a gag.
33:06She's like,
33:06there's no way
33:07that's a foot.
33:07He's wearing Timberlands.
33:08You gotta,
33:09you gotta moisturize.
33:10You gotta moisturize?
33:11You gotta use
33:11that pumice stone
33:12down there
33:13to get off the edges.
33:14Yeah.
33:14Okay,
33:14all right.
33:15Yeah.
33:15I'll borrow one
33:16from my elderly mother.
33:19Last time,
33:20last time you were here
33:20we talked about
33:21your daughter?
33:22Yes,
33:23that's right.
33:23How old is she now?
33:24She's seven.
33:25Okay.
33:25Leela.
33:26Leela,
33:26get off dad has YouTube.
33:29I'm a parent.
33:30I love being a parent.
33:32You learn a lot.
33:33You do.
33:34I learn some things instantly.
33:35Like,
33:35oh,
33:35I'm dumb.
33:36For sure.
33:37Yeah.
33:38What have you learned
33:39from being a parent?
33:40My daughter's brilliant.
33:41She saw her first limousine
33:42and she called it
33:43a taxedo.
33:46That's fantastic.
33:47Nailed it.
33:47Right.
33:48That's fantastic.
33:49Leela,
33:50Stephen Colbert
33:51thought that was fantastic.
33:52That's amazing.
33:53Wow.
33:54And I learn so much
33:55about playground culture
33:57now that I have a kid
33:58because I can go.
34:01Again.
34:02Again.
34:03You can now again go.
34:04There were years
34:04when you were not welcome.
34:07Look,
34:08I'm just saying,
34:08guys,
34:09you got to have a plus one.
34:10Don't just
34:12show up.
34:13Don't just post up
34:14at the playground.
34:15They'll put a tarp on you.
34:17So what have you learned
34:18about playground culture?
34:19Well,
34:19anybody that goes...
34:20Is it different
34:20than our childhood?
34:21No,
34:21it's exactly the same in fifth.
34:22You've forgotten.
34:22I forgot.
34:23I'll tell you,
34:24if you're pushing a kid
34:25on a swing,
34:25there's a phenomenon.
34:26About once every 40 minutes
34:28or so,
34:28some other kid,
34:30you'll all know this,
34:31some other random kid
34:32gets all turned around.
34:34They get lost in the lights.
34:35They burn out their retina
34:36like a chicken.
34:37They're turned around
34:38and they will wander
34:39and inevitably
34:40will walk the one place
34:42it is not safe
34:43to walk at the playground
34:44directly in front of the swings.
34:46The pendulum of death
34:47and they get clobbered.
34:49Yes.
34:49They're always fine.
34:51It happened to us.
34:51I'm happy to say
34:52it's still happening
34:53to them.
34:54They learned something
34:55about fulcrums.
34:56I don't know
34:57what they learned.
34:57Well,
34:58they learned
34:58that life is unfair.
34:59Well,
34:59yeah,
35:00and they're never hurt.
35:01They're made out of rubber.
35:02It's like America Ninja Warrior.
35:03They're fine.
35:04Okay.
35:04So this comes into play
35:05in the story.
35:06I took my daughter
35:06to a playground
35:07for a birthday party.
35:08She was five at the time.
35:09Yes.
35:09There were five swings.
35:10My daughter sat
35:11in the middle swing.
35:11She was too young to pump,
35:13so I started pushing her.
35:14Before too long,
35:15two of her little friends
35:15came and sat to her right.
35:17I didn't have anything going on.
35:20Sure.
35:21Got all three of these little kids.
35:22Multitasking.
35:23It was amazing.
35:24Before too long,
35:25two more kids.
35:26No.
35:27Steven,
35:28like I said,
35:29I was free.
35:30Yes.
35:30I decided to go
35:31for my personal best.
35:32I got five,
35:35five kids soaring high
35:36in the sky.
35:37It was a highlight
35:37of my life.
35:38It was like a plate spinner
35:39on the Ed Sullivan show.
35:40It was amazing.
35:41Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.
35:43You know the tune?
35:44Yes.
35:44So, true story.
35:45In the distance,
35:46this is the kid's real name.
35:47I see this little boy.
35:48He's also five.
35:49We know this kid.
35:49He's a good kid.
35:50He's kind of got
35:51a vacant look in his eyes.
35:52His name is Ira.
35:53Ira does a lazy banana
35:54around the swings.
35:56He plants his feet
35:57in the dirt next to me.
35:58Doesn't say a word.
35:59Just cocks back,
36:00punches me square in the balls.
36:04I didn't see it coming.
36:06Why would I?
36:08Why would I be like,
36:08oh, here comes Ira.
36:09He's going to punch me
36:10square in the balls.
36:12He did.
36:13He was good, too.
36:14He was in a stance.
36:15He kept his elbow up.
36:16Like, who taught Ira
36:17how to fight?
36:18Unprovoked,
36:19because some people
36:20just want to watch
36:20the world burn.
36:23Listen,
36:24I thought
36:25Tuxedo was funny.
36:27Yes.
36:28Until I heard
36:28one of them punched you
36:29in the balls.
36:30One of them punched me?
36:31Well, really, really hurt.
36:32And I can't get mad
36:33at Ira,
36:34because he's a child.
36:35Yes.
36:35And I'm not going
36:35to get mad at him.
36:36So my only recourse was
36:38I stopped pushing
36:38the other kids.
36:39I only pushed my daughter.
36:41They stopped moving.
36:42They said,
36:43push us, push us.
36:44I'm like, no.
36:45Ira ruined it.
36:48That was my protest.
36:49Sure.
36:50The other kids leave.
36:51Ira walks away,
36:52satisfied,
36:53having done
36:54his evil deed
36:55for the day.
36:57I'm just pushing
36:58my daughter.
36:58I'm pushing her,
36:59like, 40 minutes.
37:00She loves the swings.
37:00This is completely real.
37:01I didn't come all this way
37:02to lie to you tonight.
37:04I'm pushing Leela.
37:05In the corner of my eye,
37:06as luck would have
37:07at Steven,
37:08friggin' Ira.
37:09I see him.
37:10He's all turned around.
37:12He doesn't know
37:12where he is.
37:13He's like Walter White
37:14in a fugue state.
37:15He doesn't know.
37:16He starts walking
37:18his way toward...
37:18I'm like,
37:19is this about to happen?
37:21Listen to me.
37:22I stayed in rhythm.
37:24Do you understand?
37:25I didn't slow down.
37:27I just...
37:27Anybody that saw me
37:28would be like,
37:29that dad is clean.
37:31Stayed at the exact same pace.
37:32I was like,
37:32let's see what God
37:33wants to have happen.
37:36I was like,
37:37I was like Batman.
37:38I'm not gonna kill you,
37:39but I don't have to save you.
37:40It was like that.
37:41Steven,
37:42it timed out perfectly.
37:43My daughter collided with Ira.
37:44He fell to the ground.
37:46Best acting I've ever done
37:47in my life.
37:47I was like,
37:48Ira, no!
37:52Anybody but Ira!
37:55But in my mind,
37:56I was like,
37:56that's right,
37:57you friggin' turd.
37:57That's what you get.
37:59I wanted to crouch over him
38:01like Halo,
38:01you friggin' noob.
38:04Well,
38:05you clearly have a way
38:06with children.
38:07Yes.
38:07And,
38:08which is why
38:09you have written
38:09your first children's book.
38:11It's called
38:12Spells to Cast on Your Parents.
38:14That's right.
38:15That's right.
38:16Why did you want
38:16to write for the youth?
38:19Peter,
38:20why did you want
38:21to write for the youth?
38:21Yes?
38:22Well, I love reading
38:22my daughter,
38:23and I love books
38:24that encourage parents
38:25and kids to be silly together.
38:27So I wrote this book
38:28for my daughter,
38:28made us laugh.
38:29I was like,
38:30let's give it a shot.
38:31I think you'll like it.
38:32You're a Lord of the Rings guy.
38:33There's a dragon in it.
38:34No, there's a dragon
38:34on the cover.
38:35Yeah, yeah.
38:35Are there dragons
38:36in the story?
38:37There's a small dragon
38:38named Jesse
38:38who guards the book.
38:39Do you enjoy the fantasy?
38:40I do.
38:41Oh, yeah.
38:42You know what I love about it?
38:43What?
38:44Whenever you watch
38:44Lord of the Rings,
38:45the movies,
38:45or like The Witcher,
38:47any of these things,
38:47have you noticed
38:48they always have
38:48a British accent?
38:50Yeah.
38:51Like that's how
38:51they let you know
38:52that there are dragons afoot?
38:54Yeah, yeah.
38:55But why?
38:56That's a real,
38:57that's a today accent.
38:59There are millions of people
39:00that use that accent today.
39:01That's not a magical,
39:02something wizardly about that.
39:04But it works, right?
39:05They're like,
39:05Gandalf,
39:06we have to go to the apothecary.
39:07And we're like,
39:07oh, I'm sorry,
39:08what did you say to Gandalf?
39:10We need to go to the...
39:10Gandalf, we have to go
39:11to the apothecary?
39:12To the apothecary.
39:12Okay.
39:13And we're like,
39:13are these real hobbits?
39:14Like, we buy it.
39:15Yeah.
39:15But like,
39:16I'm from Boston,
39:17it wouldn't work.
39:19It wouldn't work with...
39:20You couldn't have a guy
39:21get off a horse like,
39:22there's a wizard over there!
39:24There's a wizard
39:25stealing unicorns!
39:26He took two unicorns
39:28and a goblin!
39:30He's a unicorn smuggler!
39:32It wouldn't work.
39:33It wouldn't work.
39:34But it works in here.
39:38Great to see you.
39:39Thank you for having me.
39:40Silly, Silly Fun Boy
39:41is available now
39:42on the streaming service
39:43800-pound gorilla
39:45and will be on YouTube
39:46March 24th,
39:47plus the book.
39:48Pete Holmes, everybody!
39:49We'll be right back!
39:57That's it for The Late Show,
39:58everybody.
39:59Tune in tomorrow
39:59and my guests will be
40:01Wanda Sykes
40:02and Robert Smigel.
40:03So long!
40:32Let's go!
40:32Ah!
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