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00:00:28You
00:00:34Oh my god, thank you so much. New Orleans. I'm so happy to be here. So happy. So happy. Y
00:00:43'all, I have been traveling. I've been going all over this country on this tour. I've been going to Little
00:00:47Blue Dots. Now, do you know what a blue dot is? New Orleans, Louisiana.
00:00:53Okay, if you don't know, a blue dot, it's a liberal city in a conservative state. So imagine a fun
00:00:58place inside of a not-so-fun place. Just think a prostate. Because what is America but a prostate? And
00:01:07I believe that's a poem by Langston Hughes.
00:01:10Okay, good. Y'all in my type of crowd. Now, my favorite thing about blue dots is when you go,
00:01:14you meet the best person. The person who is kind of backwards, but also kind of progressive. So they say
00:01:19stuff like, well, my gun is non-binary.
00:01:24And it's also polyamorous, so both of y'all can get it. And y'all, that was my experience in
00:01:31Austin. I went to Austin, Texas, then I went to Portland, Maine. I love Portland, Maine. Y'all, it was
00:01:38so white.
00:01:38It was blinding. When I went to Portland, Maine, I saw seven black people. And when I saw the seven,
00:01:44the black person, he said, hey, stop counting us.
00:01:49And I said, six and a half. And then after that, y'all, I went to Vancouver, Canada, not as
00:01:56a spy, as a refugee. I said, please, please.
00:01:59No, so when I was in Vancouver, y'all, I'm pretty liberal, but that place, hoo, too much. Okay? A
00:02:05little too much.
00:02:06When I was in Vancouver, Canada, a white man looked at me and wished me a happy Chinese Lunar New
00:02:11Year.
00:02:13You could just say you were late for Kwanzaa, my man, all right? Or early for Black History Month.
00:02:18And then after Vancouver, y'all, I went to San Diego. I went to San Diego for comedy, but I
00:02:22love the zoo.
00:02:23I love zoos. I love zoos because I want to be this close to something that could kill me.
00:02:27That's why I still tour in the South.
00:02:28Now, when I went to San Diego Zoo, I said, bring me to the most dangerous animal you got.
00:02:34They instantly took me to the koalas.
00:02:36Now, koalas are dangerous because koalas have...
00:02:39Chlamydia.
00:02:40Yes, sex ed is working.
00:02:43Yes, koalas have chlamydia.
00:02:44So this has made it to the zoo staff.
00:02:46And so now zookeepers, before they give a tour, they say stuff like, yes, some wild populations of koalas do
00:02:51have chlamydia.
00:02:52So as we agreed, before this tour started, don't fuck them.
00:02:55And then two people from my group left.
00:03:01I got to see a koala. I got to see an echidna. I love echidnas.
00:03:04Echidnas, they're monotremes. They have fur. They lay eggs. The eggs hatch.
00:03:08They go to their mom for milk, but echidnas never evolved nipples.
00:03:11They just sweat milk. Yeah.
00:03:14Like a kid from the Midwest.
00:03:15They just sweat it. Just 2%.
00:03:19So I got to see a koala. I got to see an echidna.
00:03:22Y'all, I got to meet a cheetah. I love cheetahs.
00:03:24Fastest animal on land.
00:03:26But here's something sad. Cheetahs in zoos, they do not do well by themselves.
00:03:29If you want a cheetah to thrive, you have to pair it with a second cheetah.
00:03:32But we don't have cheetahs in America that do that anymore because Obama.
00:03:36So now...
00:03:37That's what the news said.
00:03:39So now they pair cheetahs with dogs.
00:03:42And not African dogs. Regular-ass American dogs.
00:03:45So is cheetah golden retriever?
00:03:47And you know. You know the first day that golden retriever was like,
00:03:50see, I told you I had black friends.
00:03:54You know the first day that golden retriever was like,
00:03:56oh, I love the outfit. Only y'all can pull off animal print.
00:03:59By the way, how do you pronounce this beautiful African name?
00:04:03Is it cheetah?
00:04:06Is this second H a clique or something?
00:04:08Also, hey, can I ask you something?
00:04:10Promise you won't get mad.
00:04:11Are you at this zoo on like a track scholarship?
00:04:14Like what?
00:04:16That was a test, New Orleans.
00:04:17I wanted to see just how racist y'all were.
00:04:21And some of y'all passed.
00:04:23Also, I love doing shows.
00:04:25I know who my target demographic is.
00:04:27But are there any gay people here?
00:04:30Okay, honestly, too many.
00:04:32And that's not from me.
00:04:34That's from the Supreme Court.
00:04:36Hey, no.
00:04:37I wrote that joke back when it was cute.
00:04:39No, I love gay people.
00:04:42Gay men, are they gay men here?
00:04:44Okay.
00:04:45Y'all hear how the pitch didn't drop?
00:04:46Now, I love gay men outside of comedy settings.
00:04:50Inside of comedy settings, not so much.
00:04:52Here's why.
00:04:53Every time a gay guy sees another gay guy on stage,
00:04:55you can only think five things.
00:04:56I should be up there.
00:04:58And that's not what we're doing.
00:05:01I do love gay men.
00:05:02I love gay men so much I married one.
00:05:05Don't clap.
00:05:05He's gay, not happy.
00:05:06Now, a lot of people don't know this.
00:05:09You know, in New York City, if you're a man
00:05:11and you get married to another man,
00:05:12you spend most of your wedding day
00:05:13introducing gay men who live in New York City
00:05:15to other gay men they have already slept with.
00:05:18So, most of my wedding day,
00:05:20I was stuck saying stuff like,
00:05:21well, Benjamin, uh, you know Todd?
00:05:24Michael, you also know Todd.
00:05:26Shane, I know you know Todd.
00:05:28I've seen the tape.
00:05:29And then, and then my husband was like,
00:05:31Jay, do you know Todd?
00:05:32And I had to go, ooh, I do.
00:05:34And then I had to remind him.
00:05:36I said, nah, baby, we know Todd.
00:05:39And he was like, oh, that's Todd.
00:05:41I didn't recognize him standing up.
00:05:44Okay, now, that joke lets me know who's fun, right?
00:05:49Did you hear what I said?
00:05:50I said my husband.
00:05:51I have a husband.
00:05:52I don't have a partner.
00:05:53I don't have a partner because we're not playing tennis, right?
00:05:55Even though sometimes it sounds like it.
00:06:01Okay.
00:06:02You're so true.
00:06:03That was a butt sex joke.
00:06:04Yeah.
00:06:05Yeah, straight people.
00:06:06Y'all can do it too.
00:06:07Yeah.
00:06:08Clock twist.
00:06:09She pegs him.
00:06:10Yeah.
00:06:11That's right, ladies.
00:06:12You look that fella in the eye and you say,
00:06:14happy U.S.
00:06:15Open.
00:06:15Okay.
00:06:18Whoa.
00:06:19Y'all felt that?
00:06:19Y'all felt what just happened?
00:06:20Half the straight guys in here went,
00:06:22oh, my God, that's so funny.
00:06:23The other half went, why'd my dick move?
00:06:25And I talk about my husband too much.
00:06:30I got an email about him a couple weeks ago.
00:06:32It said, Jay, you are so funny.
00:06:33You have such a great smile.
00:06:34Why are you married?
00:06:35Dot, dot, dot.
00:06:36Two-way man.
00:06:37There are so many women in the world.
00:06:38You don't have to live like this guy.
00:06:40It's healing and blessing every day.
00:06:41Love, Barbara.
00:06:44I'm not gonna fuck you, Barbara.
00:06:46I'm not having sex with a mid-century name.
00:06:49Barbara, you shouldn't be in my DMs.
00:06:53You should be on The Golden Bachelor.
00:06:55Barbara, listen, I'm a gay.
00:06:57You need been gay.
00:06:58There's a difference, Babs.
00:07:01I brought up The Golden Bachelor,
00:07:03and I love the show.
00:07:04It's proof you can find love or chlamydia at any age.
00:07:08But it did make me mad,
00:07:09because in my mind's eye,
00:07:10when I was casting The Golden Bachelorette,
00:07:12I wanted her to be an old hoe.
00:07:14I wanted a Jezebel, a floozy, a wanton woman.
00:07:19I want The Golden Bachelorette to show up and go,
00:07:21yeah, I'm 67, but this snapper still has some bite.
00:07:27I wanted The Golden Bachelorette to go,
00:07:29boys who want some silver cotton candy.
00:07:32Hey, relax, it tastes like a Werther's.
00:07:35I wanted The Golden Bachelorette to say,
00:07:39this was your granddaddy's Vietnam, right?
00:07:42Just cutting through the underbrush,
00:07:44booby traps, John McCain,
00:07:45what are you doing here?
00:07:50Yeah, so people ask why me and my husband got married,
00:07:53and we got married because we love each other,
00:07:54also because monkey pox.
00:07:56If you don't know, so monkey pox,
00:07:58it was a skin disease.
00:07:59A lot of people were like,
00:08:00it's not a gay disease,
00:08:01it just hasn't found the right girl yet.
00:08:02I was like, whatever you got to tell yourself.
00:08:04But no, I never called monkey pox.
00:08:06In fact, I got the monkey pox vaccine early
00:08:08because the health department said,
00:08:09sluts to the front.
00:08:11And remember, your boy's married, not boring.
00:08:14So I got the monkey pox vaccine in the Bronx
00:08:18with me and a bunch of other sissies on the four train.
00:08:20Woo, my God,
00:08:21you should have seen this gathering of sodomites.
00:08:24Truly something out of the pages of Leviticus.
00:08:28I remember walking in that vaccination clinic,
00:08:31I turned a corner,
00:08:32y'all was a who's who of who blew who.
00:08:34I remember walking in there,
00:08:36and I was like, good to see you again,
00:08:38good to see you again.
00:08:40Man, what's up, Todd?
00:08:41Get up, come on, hey.
00:08:43We're at the doctor's office, stop that.
00:08:46Now, people ask me about my marriage
00:08:48because I'm so open about a lot of stuff.
00:08:49They go, how do you make it work?
00:08:50How do you make it work?
00:08:51Our marriage is the same as anyone else's.
00:08:53You make it work by splitting everything
00:08:54out in the middle 50-50.
00:08:56I cook, he cleans, and we both cheat.
00:08:58I'm kidding?
00:09:00He doesn't.
00:09:01And I don't even cheat.
00:09:02I don't even cheat.
00:09:03I just say I have an errand to do
00:09:05because that's the other guy's name.
00:09:06Now, my husband hates that joke,
00:09:10but my boyfriend...
00:09:14Okay, y'all are fun.
00:09:15Okay, so because y'all are fun,
00:09:17I'll actually tell you
00:09:17what we've currently been doing in our relationship.
00:09:19We've been together for a while,
00:09:20so currently we are spicing it up.
00:09:22We are involved in a little bit of cuck play,
00:09:24a little bit of cuckoldry.
00:09:26Do y'all know about this?
00:09:26Have y'all heard about this?
00:09:27Are y'all watching this?
00:09:28Are y'all watching people watch this?
00:09:30Do y'all know?
00:09:31Is that outlaw?
00:09:32Can y'all watch it here?
00:09:33If you don't know,
00:09:35so cuckoldry,
00:09:36that's when me and my husband together,
00:09:38we like to watch TV shows
00:09:40that did not cast me.
00:09:42And...
00:09:45Do you understand how strong I have to be
00:09:47to sit next to my baby
00:09:48and say stuff like,
00:09:49yeah, I told you
00:09:49Abbey Elementary was gonna be huge?
00:09:53Yeah, one of my friends works in that show.
00:09:54She told me,
00:09:55Jay, stop telling that joke.
00:09:56I told her,
00:09:57put me on the show.
00:09:58All right?
00:09:59That's how you get that joke
00:10:00out of my set, Janelle.
00:10:02Okay.
00:10:05Oh, my gosh.
00:10:07Y'all are...
00:10:07Listen.
00:10:08Y'all seem very fun.
00:10:09I know why y'all are fun.
00:10:10It's because
00:10:11it's a bunch of straight girls here.
00:10:12Straight girls make some noise.
00:10:15You hear that?
00:10:16That's their mating cry.
00:10:17Often heard in the streets of Nashville,
00:10:20followed by a trail of
00:10:20light-up pink cowboy hats,
00:10:22a feathered boa,
00:10:22and one girl at the end struggling like,
00:10:24I don't know how I called chlamydia this time.
00:10:26And we're like,
00:10:27Kelly, what did we say about koalas?
00:10:31And she's like,
00:10:32I can't resist the accent.
00:10:34I thought it was a Hemsworth.
00:10:36Now,
00:10:38straight girls,
00:10:39are y'all doing okay?
00:10:40No.
00:10:41You're not.
00:10:42Don't lie to me.
00:10:43You're not doing okay.
00:10:44And I know why.
00:10:45It's because of something
00:10:45called the patriarchy.
00:10:46Now,
00:10:47when I discovered the patriarchy last year,
00:10:49I got so upset,
00:10:51I got so mad,
00:10:52I punched a hole in the wall.
00:10:53Let's say,
00:10:53y'all are doing this to my girls.
00:10:55Now,
00:10:55do y'all know about the patriarchy?
00:10:57If not,
00:10:57I'll mansplain.
00:10:58So,
00:11:00the patriarchy
00:11:01has put men at the top
00:11:02of this system
00:11:03we call America,
00:11:04and it has women doing things
00:11:06against their own self-interest.
00:11:07Like last year.
00:11:08You remember when every girl
00:11:09thought they were required by law
00:11:10to fuck ugly dudes?
00:11:12What?
00:11:14What is the reasoning?
00:11:15Do you know that being straight
00:11:16doesn't have to be a dare?
00:11:18You can enjoy it?
00:11:21Then y'all come up to me
00:11:22after the show
00:11:23and say stuff like,
00:11:23well, Jake,
00:11:24just so you know,
00:11:24I happen to like my men
00:11:25a little ugly.
00:11:26Right, babe?
00:11:29And this poor guy's like,
00:11:30you hear that?
00:11:30She only said a little.
00:11:34Y'all will brag to me
00:11:35about your ugly man.
00:11:36Well, Jake,
00:11:36just so you know,
00:11:37me and my ugly man,
00:11:37we're flying to Paris.
00:11:38I'm like, yeah,
00:11:39he's got to get back
00:11:40to Notre Dame.
00:11:40Those bells aren't
00:11:41going to ring themselves.
00:11:43Of course,
00:11:44I don't meet anyone here.
00:11:45Every straight guy here
00:11:46is a 10.
00:11:47If you don't believe me,
00:11:47I'll blow you on the way out.
00:11:48But seriously,
00:11:50one of my friends,
00:11:51he's an old school comedian.
00:11:52What's the word for that?
00:11:52He's a misogynist.
00:11:53And he said,
00:11:55he said,
00:11:56Jay,
00:11:56these women date
00:11:57these ugly men
00:11:57just so they can get
00:11:58their money.
00:11:58And I was like,
00:11:59yeah,
00:11:59I know ugly men have money.
00:12:01I've been on a boat before.
00:12:05This is the part of the joke
00:12:06where the girls
00:12:07look at their dates and go,
00:12:08he's not talking about you?
00:12:10I am.
00:12:11I am.
00:12:12I am talking about
00:12:13your adult ugly ass.
00:12:15Ladies,
00:12:15stop babying these ugly ass men.
00:12:17You treat your ugly boyfriends
00:12:19like pugs.
00:12:20You go,
00:12:20look.
00:12:24I bought him a vest.
00:12:27And the whole time
00:12:29he's up there like,
00:12:29pugs.
00:12:32Now we just laughed
00:12:34at ugly men together.
00:12:35I believe that's called
00:12:37feminism.
00:12:38Right?
00:12:39Yeah?
00:12:40We committed
00:12:41a feminism right then.
00:12:43Yeah.
00:12:44We can laugh
00:12:44at ugly men
00:12:45because ugly men
00:12:46still have proximity
00:12:47to power.
00:12:48We can't laugh
00:12:49at ugly women
00:12:49because ugly women
00:12:50don't exist.
00:12:51Except for the one
00:12:52you're thinking of
00:12:53right now.
00:12:55Okay?
00:12:56All right?
00:12:57Listen,
00:12:57and this is my ugly section.
00:12:58Now I want y'all
00:12:59to know something.
00:12:59I love ugly people.
00:13:02I'm not a,
00:13:04I'm not a member of,
00:13:06but I'm an ally to
00:13:09the UGLY,
00:13:09you ain't got no alibi
00:13:11community,
00:13:11right?
00:13:14Listen,
00:13:15I love ugly people.
00:13:16I think ugly people
00:13:16should get their own
00:13:17parking in the back.
00:13:18I'm trying to eat.
00:13:19I think,
00:13:21I think ugly people
00:13:22should get their own
00:13:22pride month.
00:13:23When?
00:13:23October.
00:13:24I think.
00:13:27One time I did
00:13:28these jokes at a show
00:13:29and a woman stood up
00:13:30and said,
00:13:31hey,
00:13:31take it easy,
00:13:32old nuts.
00:13:34And I said,
00:13:36sit your ugly ass down.
00:13:37No,
00:13:37no,
00:13:38no,
00:13:38I'm kidding.
00:13:39I had her escorted out.
00:13:40I do not play.
00:13:41We check y'all
00:13:42before y'all come in.
00:13:43But this is what I want.
00:13:44This is what I want.
00:13:45What I want is for
00:13:46ugly people to band together,
00:13:48form a community,
00:13:48and cancel me.
00:13:50That's my goal.
00:13:51I want to be canceled
00:13:52because as a male comedian,
00:13:53if you get canceled in 2025,
00:13:55your career takes off.
00:13:56Okay?
00:13:57That's what I want.
00:13:58But do you understand
00:13:59how hard it's going to be
00:14:00to cancel this?
00:14:03I'm black.
00:14:04I'm queer.
00:14:05I'm left-handed.
00:14:06There are,
00:14:08I got astigmatism.
00:14:09I don't see gender
00:14:10because I can't see shit.
00:14:12But,
00:14:14but do you understand?
00:14:15If you want to cancel me,
00:14:16you're going to have to be
00:14:17a biracial lesbian
00:14:21who is also trans
00:14:22and in a wheelchair.
00:14:24And even then,
00:14:25even then,
00:14:25I'm going to be like,
00:14:26yeah,
00:14:26but how much money
00:14:27do your appearance make?
00:14:28Ha ha.
00:14:29And she's going to say,
00:14:30I'm adopted.
00:14:31And I get to go,
00:14:32okay,
00:14:32you win this round.
00:14:33Woo!
00:14:34Just,
00:14:34just so y'all know,
00:14:35that was me rolling her,
00:14:36woo!
00:14:38Into affordable housing
00:14:42with a ramp,
00:14:43not off a cliff,
00:14:44right?
00:14:44I'm not a monster.
00:14:45I have rules.
00:14:47I will never make fun
00:14:47of anyone
00:14:48who currently has it worse
00:14:49than me politically
00:14:50or socially,
00:14:51so per that logic,
00:14:52I don't make fun of lesbians
00:14:53because lesbians can fight.
00:14:56Ha ha!
00:14:57My God!
00:14:58Have you ever been kicked
00:14:59by a pair of Doc Martens?
00:15:00You make that mistake once.
00:15:01It is
00:15:04quite a heavy shoe.
00:15:05Listen,
00:15:05I,
00:15:07I love lesbians.
00:15:08I do,
00:15:09okay,
00:15:09here's some queer history,
00:15:10New Orleans.
00:15:11Did you know,
00:15:11lesbians have actually
00:15:12created a platform
00:15:13for so many queer performers
00:15:14over the years?
00:15:15And by that,
00:15:15I mean,
00:15:16they probably built
00:15:16this stage.
00:15:18Ha ha!
00:15:19That's what we call
00:15:20a well-constructed joke.
00:15:21That is a
00:15:23union-approved joke.
00:15:24Now,
00:15:24one time,
00:15:25I was doing a show
00:15:26in Brooklyn
00:15:27and the host
00:15:28wanted to bring up
00:15:28comedians
00:15:29in quirky ways
00:15:30and this is what
00:15:30the host said
00:15:31about the comic
00:15:31before me.
00:15:32The host said,
00:15:33this next comic
00:15:33is my favorite
00:15:34lesbian top
00:15:35and all I could think
00:15:36was,
00:15:36hmm,
00:15:37what's my favorite
00:15:38lesbian top?
00:15:38My favorite
00:15:39lesbian top,
00:15:40probably bowling shirts.
00:15:42Ha ha!
00:15:44Bowling shirts,
00:15:45camp counselor shirts,
00:15:47mechanic shirts,
00:15:48any shirt with a name
00:15:49already on it,
00:15:49you ladies look
00:15:50very handsome in those.
00:15:51All right?
00:15:52And listen,
00:15:52listen,
00:15:52listen,
00:15:53I'm not making fun
00:15:54of lesbians
00:15:54when I'm dressed like one.
00:15:55Y'all see this?
00:15:56Listen,
00:15:57some people,
00:15:58they go,
00:15:58Jay,
00:15:58you're queer,
00:15:59you dress pretty straight.
00:15:59No,
00:16:00this is lesbian chic,
00:16:01okay?
00:16:02I'm gonna,
00:16:03everyone pay attention.
00:16:03This is a life cycle
00:16:04of a piece of lesbian clothing.
00:16:06Lesbian wears a shirt.
00:16:07Gay guy sees a lesbian
00:16:08in his shirt,
00:16:09gay guy starts to wear
00:16:09the shirt.
00:16:10Now,
00:16:10the gay guy wears a shirt.
00:16:11Straight guy sees the gay guy
00:16:12in the shirt,
00:16:12straight guy starts to wear
00:16:13the shirt.
00:16:14Now,
00:16:14this straight guy,
00:16:14he dies in the shirt.
00:16:17His family mourns,
00:16:18they pack up his belongings,
00:16:19they gather his things,
00:16:20they drop it off
00:16:21at a thrift shop
00:16:22where lesbian finds the shirt.
00:16:26It's a circle of dyken,
00:16:27it moves us all.
00:16:28Now,
00:16:32y'all are probably wondering,
00:16:33Jay,
00:16:33how do you know so much
00:16:34about lesbians?
00:16:35Who told?
00:16:36I went to high school
00:16:37with a whole mess of them.
00:16:38We had a spike
00:16:39in lesbian activities.
00:16:40Spike was one of their names.
00:16:41And because
00:16:43of these wonderful
00:16:44daughters of Sappho,
00:16:45we also had a lot of
00:16:46state basketball championships.
00:16:48Yeah,
00:16:49that's right.
00:16:50Go Lady Mustangs.
00:16:51I was so progressive.
00:16:52I'd be in the stands,
00:16:53I'd start some of the cheers,
00:16:54I'd say stuff like,
00:16:55LGBT,
00:16:56get back on defense.
00:16:58At one point,
00:17:00at one point,
00:17:01I got too progressive,
00:17:02I looped around
00:17:03to being toxic.
00:17:03I was like,
00:17:04number five stinks.
00:17:05I heard,
00:17:05she's straight.
00:17:09Boo!
00:17:11We don't want your kind.
00:17:13Hey, hey,
00:17:14ho, ho,
00:17:15these heteros
00:17:15have got to go.
00:17:17Breeder,
00:17:18breeder.
00:17:21You laugh,
00:17:22but it works.
00:17:23She missed the free throw.
00:17:23And,
00:17:25that little girl
00:17:26grew up to be
00:17:27Caitlin Clark.
00:17:30No, stop it.
00:17:31I love Timothee Chalamet.
00:17:32Now,
00:17:34I don't make fun
00:17:35of lesbians,
00:17:35check.
00:17:36I don't make fun
00:17:36of non-binary people
00:17:37because I don't like it
00:17:38when baristas spit
00:17:39in my coffee.
00:17:41I can't make fun
00:17:42of non-binary people.
00:17:43Y'all,
00:17:44what if I want
00:17:44my bike fixed?
00:17:45What if I want
00:17:47to buy a record
00:17:48on vinyl?
00:17:48What if I need
00:17:50an ugly tattoo?
00:17:51What I'm saying is
00:17:54they have a lot
00:17:55of jobs.
00:17:55And listen,
00:17:56gender is fluid,
00:17:57but their assets
00:17:57are liquid.
00:17:59I don't make them,
00:18:00but they slash
00:18:00them's the rules.
00:18:02Wait,
00:18:03hold on.
00:18:05Doing a quick sweep
00:18:06for septum piercings?
00:18:08I'm good.
00:18:09I don't want
00:18:09to be hit
00:18:09with a wallet chain
00:18:10after the show,
00:18:11right?
00:18:12Get over here.
00:18:13I think Scorpion's
00:18:14a beautiful name.
00:18:17Finish them.
00:18:18Hey, hey, hey.
00:18:19Hey, hey.
00:18:20Relax.
00:18:21I can make that joke.
00:18:22My husband recently
00:18:23came out to me
00:18:23as a little bit
00:18:24non-binary.
00:18:24He said,
00:18:25hey, baby,
00:18:25I'm okay with using
00:18:26he, they pronouns,
00:18:27which means he usually
00:18:28feels like a boy
00:18:29unless there's a bug
00:18:30in the house.
00:18:31Now,
00:18:34full disclosure,
00:18:35he loves that joke.
00:18:36They,
00:18:36not so much,
00:18:37but
00:18:40I'm learning.
00:18:41Gender is tricky.
00:18:43It happens with
00:18:43my straight male
00:18:44comedian peers.
00:18:45They'll have to
00:18:45butcher it up
00:18:46because there's a bunch
00:18:46of straight guys
00:18:47out here.
00:18:47They'll be backstage,
00:18:48normal,
00:18:49and they'll come out
00:18:49on stage and say
00:18:50stuff like,
00:18:50we need real men.
00:18:52Bring back real men.
00:18:53And I always want
00:18:54to tell those comedians,
00:18:55real men aren't
00:18:56on stage.
00:19:02There's never
00:19:03been a real man
00:19:04on stage.
00:19:05Real men are
00:19:06on probation.
00:19:07Real men
00:19:08are on heart
00:19:09medication.
00:19:10Real men
00:19:11are on the couch
00:19:12because mom
00:19:12is mad.
00:19:13Real men
00:19:15are on boats.
00:19:16And not fun boats,
00:19:17shipping vessels.
00:19:19Real men
00:19:19are on real boats
00:19:21so fake men
00:19:21like all of us
00:19:22can eat real crab.
00:19:23Okay?
00:19:24Real men
00:19:25don't hunt drag queens.
00:19:27They hunt
00:19:27dungenets.
00:19:31This is the hard part
00:19:33when you talk
00:19:33about this stuff
00:19:34because I want
00:19:35to be progressive.
00:19:36Everyone should understand
00:19:37being progressive
00:19:38it means that
00:19:38you're slowly
00:19:39but surely
00:19:40getting better.
00:19:41And every now
00:19:42and then you have
00:19:42a thought that's
00:19:43kind of progressive
00:19:43and regressive
00:19:44at the same time.
00:19:47Here's one.
00:19:49I don't think
00:19:50you should be
00:19:51transphobic
00:19:52if you're old.
00:19:53Right?
00:19:54Come on.
00:19:55You're a grandma
00:19:55with a mustache.
00:19:57You understand
00:20:00gender is tricky.
00:20:02Your pronouns
00:20:02are me, ma.
00:20:03Okay?
00:20:06Okay.
00:20:07Here's another one.
00:20:08I don't think
00:20:08you should be
00:20:09transphobic
00:20:09if you're poor.
00:20:12It's the boy.
00:20:13It's the girl.
00:20:14Why do you care?
00:20:14You identify
00:20:15as a door dasher.
00:20:16Okay?
00:20:20Of course,
00:20:22progress also
00:20:23doesn't just
00:20:23affect gender.
00:20:24It also affects size.
00:20:26Like, okay,
00:20:26I was hanging out
00:20:27with a group
00:20:27of all-male comedians.
00:20:28I think when it's
00:20:29that many of us
00:20:29it's called
00:20:30an allegation.
00:20:31And so we,
00:20:32me and my co-defendants,
00:20:34they were talking.
00:20:34They were yapping.
00:20:35Men love to talk.
00:20:36And so,
00:20:36they were talking
00:20:37about women's bodies
00:20:38if you can believe it.
00:20:39And so,
00:20:41one of my female
00:20:42comedian friends,
00:20:43that's allowed now,
00:20:44one of my female
00:20:45comedian friends,
00:20:46she overheard,
00:20:47she came over,
00:20:48she's a bigger girl.
00:20:48She said,
00:20:49hey,
00:20:49once I know something,
00:20:50even with all
00:20:50this body positivity
00:20:51bullshit,
00:20:52all of you men
00:20:52are scared to date
00:20:53bigger girls.
00:20:54And my straight,
00:20:55progressive,
00:20:55male comedian friend
00:20:56looked at her
00:20:57and said,
00:20:57girl,
00:20:58I'll fuck your
00:20:59fat ass right now.
00:21:02He wasn't supposed
00:21:03to say it like that,
00:21:04but technically,
00:21:04that's progress.
00:21:05Okay?
00:21:07That's progress.
00:21:08He said,
00:21:08girl,
00:21:09won't you sit
00:21:09your big ass
00:21:10on my face?
00:21:12We can laugh
00:21:13at an ass-eating joke.
00:21:14Ramadan is over.
00:21:14Okay?
00:21:15Eat up,
00:21:16habibi.
00:21:18As you can tell,
00:21:19I'm trying to be
00:21:21a good person
00:21:21so I don't make fun
00:21:22of trans women
00:21:23because I'm not
00:21:24that famous
00:21:24of a black comedian.
00:21:26But here's what
00:21:27I want people
00:21:28to understand.
00:21:28I don't get it.
00:21:30The people who were
00:21:30attacking these trans girlies
00:21:32were some of the people
00:21:33I idolized growing up.
00:21:34People who I thought
00:21:35were geniuses.
00:21:36People like my man,
00:21:37Kid Rock.
00:21:37You're telling me
00:21:40trans masculine icon,
00:21:42Kid Rock,
00:21:43doesn't...
00:21:46Wait a second,
00:21:47wait a second.
00:21:48You're telling me
00:21:49lesbian fashion guru,
00:21:50Kid Rock,
00:21:53doesn't...
00:21:54You're telling me
00:21:55the final form
00:21:55of Jojo Siwa,
00:21:57Kid Rock.
00:21:59If you don't know
00:22:00what happened,
00:22:00Kid Rock,
00:22:01he got mad at Bud Light.
00:22:02Why'd he get mad
00:22:02at Bud Light?
00:22:03Bud Light gave
00:22:03one trans TikToker
00:22:04her own specialized
00:22:05can of beer.
00:22:06Everyone lost their minds.
00:22:07And because we're
00:22:07serving drinks tonight,
00:22:08let me just say this.
00:22:09Bud Light cannot
00:22:10make you trans.
00:22:12Bud Light cannot
00:22:13make you,
00:22:14maybe you,
00:22:15trans.
00:22:16The only thing
00:22:17Bud Light can make you
00:22:18is bi in college
00:22:19a couple of times.
00:22:19Right?
00:22:20That's it.
00:22:20That's all.
00:22:21That's all that
00:22:22drinker's ever done
00:22:22is bring boys together.
00:22:24Now me,
00:22:25me personally,
00:22:26I don't drink Bud Light.
00:22:26I don't drink Bud Light
00:22:27not because it's too gay.
00:22:28I don't drink Bud Light
00:22:29because it's not
00:22:30gay enough.
00:22:31You know what I drink
00:22:32instead?
00:22:33Cum.
00:22:33Now that...
00:22:44Straight from the tap.
00:22:45Now cum.
00:22:47Honestly,
00:22:48might do a keg stand later.
00:22:49When it comes to cum...
00:22:51What's that?
00:22:51Horchata?
00:22:52Okay.
00:22:52Oh, no.
00:22:54Microplastics.
00:22:54They're in everything.
00:22:55Okay.
00:22:55Hey.
00:22:56Hey.
00:22:56Hey.
00:22:57I did not want
00:22:58to tell that
00:22:59dirty, disgusting,
00:23:00dick-sucking joke.
00:23:00That's not who I am.
00:23:02I'm a clean Christian comedian.
00:23:04I'm available
00:23:04for birthdays
00:23:05and christenings.
00:23:06But my manager
00:23:07and my agency,
00:23:08they saw the success
00:23:09of Hop Tua
00:23:09and they said...
00:23:12They said,
00:23:12Jay, please tell us
00:23:13you have a dick-sucking joke.
00:23:14And I told them,
00:23:15when you love what you do,
00:23:19you never work
00:23:20a day in your life.
00:23:22Blow job?
00:23:23No, blow passion.
00:23:25Right?
00:23:25Blow dream
00:23:26if you do it right.
00:23:28A lot of people,
00:23:29they got mad at Hop Tua.
00:23:30They said,
00:23:30oh, that's not classy.
00:23:31That's not classy.
00:23:32I got mad at Hop Tua
00:23:33because her instructions
00:23:34were incomplete.
00:23:36She...
00:23:39She said,
00:23:39you got a Hop Tua
00:23:40and spilled that thing
00:23:41and then she walked away.
00:23:42Wait a minute.
00:23:45Nah, nah, nah.
00:23:46That's a couple more steps.
00:23:47Okay?
00:23:48All right.
00:23:48That's like someone
00:23:49giving you a recipe
00:23:50and saying,
00:23:50here's what you got to do.
00:23:51Preheat the oven to 375.
00:24:00I believe at some point
00:24:01the meat has to go in.
00:24:04But people got mad at her.
00:24:06People got mad at Hop Tua.
00:24:08They said,
00:24:08oh, that's not classy.
00:24:10That's not classy.
00:24:11Guess what?
00:24:11America ain't classy.
00:24:12That's America.
00:24:14It's so America
00:24:15that every 15 years
00:24:17in this country
00:24:18someone has to get famous
00:24:19for fellatio.
00:24:20Watch.
00:24:20I'll prove it.
00:24:21Hop Tua.
00:24:22Before her,
00:24:22Kim Kardashian.
00:24:23Before her,
00:24:24Paris Hilton.
00:24:24Before her,
00:24:25Monica Lewinsky.
00:24:26Before her,
00:24:27Nancy Reagan.
00:24:28Before her...
00:24:30Before her,
00:24:32Abraham Lincoln.
00:24:33There's always...
00:24:35Wait a second.
00:24:36My bad, y'all.
00:24:36I got to reverse.
00:24:37Abraham Lincoln,
00:24:38he got blown in the theater.
00:24:39That's different.
00:24:40That's completely different.
00:24:41Wait, wait, wait.
00:24:42Is that too soon
00:24:43on an 1860s joke?
00:24:46I'm supposed to be nice
00:24:47to that sissy
00:24:48because he freed me?
00:24:49Okay.
00:24:50All right.
00:24:50I don't even like pennies
00:24:51that much.
00:24:54This is what I want y'all to know.
00:24:55This is also my favorite part
00:24:56of the show
00:24:56because I've been talking
00:24:57about sucking dick
00:24:58and now all the straight men
00:24:59are like this.
00:25:01Now listen,
00:25:02I love straight men.
00:25:03I love the fact
00:25:03y'all are here.
00:25:04I uplift minority voices.
00:25:06So straight men,
00:25:06make some noise.
00:25:07That's enough.
00:25:09They got so excited.
00:25:10They were like,
00:25:10follow me?
00:25:11Listen,
00:25:12I love straight men.
00:25:13I've been on the road
00:25:14quite a lot.
00:25:14I have a lot of fans
00:25:15who are the girlies
00:25:16and the gays.
00:25:16So my girl fans,
00:25:17they bring their husbands
00:25:18and their boyfriends
00:25:19to the show.
00:25:19So on the road,
00:25:20on tour,
00:25:21I've been doing
00:25:21a lot of straight outreach.
00:25:24Usually at urinals.
00:25:25Right?
00:25:27That looks heavy, sir.
00:25:28You're going to throw
00:25:28your back out.
00:25:29Come on.
00:25:30That is clearly
00:25:30a team lift.
00:25:31Look at them.
00:25:33Laughing, laughing,
00:25:35laughing doesn't always happen.
00:25:37One time,
00:25:37I got on stage,
00:25:38did a couple of my gay jokes
00:25:39and got in the front row,
00:25:39got up, grumbled,
00:25:40did there's going to be
00:25:41a gay guy here.
00:25:42Left the show.
00:25:43And in my head,
00:25:43I'm thinking,
00:25:43sir, what are you doing?
00:25:44This is New York City.
00:25:46There are definitely
00:25:47more outside.
00:25:50You need to stick
00:25:50with the evil you know.
00:25:53That's like going
00:25:54to the beach and saying,
00:25:55man, I love the water,
00:25:56but why didn't you
00:25:57talk about all this
00:25:57damn sand?
00:25:59Oh no,
00:25:59my son's planning it.
00:26:00Now he's going to grow
00:26:01up to be sand
00:26:04because of what is sand
00:26:05but gay dirt.
00:26:07And by that,
00:26:08I mean highly malleable,
00:26:10slightly irritating
00:26:10and somehow always
00:26:11ends up in your
00:26:12husband's trunks.
00:26:13Now, ladies,
00:26:16if your man laughed
00:26:16at that joke,
00:26:17I'll see y'all
00:26:17at the beach.
00:26:19No, I really have
00:26:21dedicated the last
00:26:22couple of months
00:26:22to being nice
00:26:23to the straight men.
00:26:24I speak straight,
00:26:25unga bunga.
00:26:27I downloaded
00:26:28a straight male
00:26:30meditation and wellness
00:26:31app.
00:26:31It's called
00:26:32Bleacher Report.
00:26:35I've been on it
00:26:36every day.
00:26:36I'm like,
00:26:37oh my God,
00:26:37who is Saquon?
00:26:38What?
00:26:39Look at all this
00:26:40ass.
00:26:41God damn,
00:26:42why'd he leave
00:26:42New York?
00:26:43Here's the sad part,
00:26:44y'all.
00:26:44I actually still
00:26:45love sports.
00:26:46My gay friends,
00:26:47they hate it.
00:26:47I'll be like,
00:26:47oh, let's go see
00:26:48the next play.
00:26:49They'll go,
00:26:49oh, here's Jay
00:26:50with this straight shit.
00:26:51You know what they
00:26:51call me?
00:26:52They said,
00:26:52I'm a bad gay.
00:26:53I'm a bad gay
00:26:54because I like
00:26:55basketball.
00:26:55I'm a bad gay
00:26:56because I know
00:26:57what an offensive
00:26:58rebound is.
00:26:58If you don't know
00:26:59an offensive rebound,
00:27:00that's when you hook up
00:27:01for the second time
00:27:01with a man.
00:27:04Who keeps using
00:27:05the word oriental?
00:27:07Did I have to do
00:27:08the hands?
00:27:09No.
00:27:12I'm trying my best
00:27:13to be nice to them
00:27:14because I know
00:27:14their plight.
00:27:15People go,
00:27:15Jay, what do you mean
00:27:16you know their plight?
00:27:17I can empathize
00:27:18with straight men
00:27:18because I used
00:27:19to be straight.
00:27:20Then I got better.
00:27:22Yeah.
00:27:22There's a vaccine for it.
00:27:24Did you know
00:27:24that's right?
00:27:24Vaccines don't cause
00:27:25autism.
00:27:26Vaccines make
00:27:26your kids gay.
00:27:27And by that,
00:27:28I mean that your child
00:27:29lived long enough
00:27:29to figure it out.
00:27:34Because last week
00:27:35I did that joke
00:27:36that I can only
00:27:36describe as a very
00:27:37pro-polio crowd.
00:27:38So, honestly,
00:27:41between you and me,
00:27:42I'm just happy
00:27:42that joke still has legs.
00:27:44Hey, hey, hey,
00:27:46hey, we can,
00:27:47laugh, FDR ain't here,
00:27:48let it out, okay?
00:27:50You know who really
00:27:51hates that joke?
00:27:52RFK Jr.
00:27:54You know who really
00:27:55hates that joke?
00:27:55Aaron Rodgers.
00:27:56Okay, that's just
00:27:58for this straight boy.
00:27:59Listen, I don't want
00:28:00to get too much
00:28:00into politics,
00:28:01but I'll say this
00:28:02about RFK Jr.
00:28:04If your car
00:28:05sounded like that,
00:28:10you wouldn't put it
00:28:11in charge of other cars.
00:28:15He sounds like
00:28:16like he's underwater,
00:28:17on a rollercoaster
00:28:18all the time.
00:28:19That's insane.
00:28:21He had a worm
00:28:22in his brain.
00:28:23It ate its way out.
00:28:25Just what this country needs,
00:28:26not a kidney
00:28:27with a hole in his head.
00:28:28Okay?
00:28:29Hey, hey, hey,
00:28:32listen,
00:28:32I told that joke
00:28:34in Dallas, okay?
00:28:36To be fair,
00:28:37I told it like this.
00:28:41I hate talking
00:28:42about politics
00:28:43because I'm trying
00:28:43to be more nuanced.
00:28:44I'm trying to understand
00:28:45people, right?
00:28:46I understand some people
00:28:47that got so economically
00:28:48anxious that they made
00:28:49a decision.
00:28:49Was it Nazis?
00:28:50Okay, I'll talk about them.
00:28:53Controversial stands,
00:28:54I don't like them.
00:28:55I don't like them.
00:28:56Nazis, sadly,
00:28:57they're back.
00:28:58But plot twist,
00:28:59they're black.
00:29:00Kanye, you rascal.
00:29:01Now,
00:29:03if y'all don't know
00:29:04what's going on with Ye,
00:29:05Kanye,
00:29:06he was a Nazi for a week
00:29:07and then he stopped.
00:29:08He talked to Adam Sandler.
00:29:09He was like,
00:29:09I didn't know
00:29:10I was hurting Bobby Boucher.
00:29:11And then,
00:29:14and then he doubled down
00:29:16and became
00:29:16a super mega Nazi.
00:29:19He bought
00:29:19an all-black Klan robe,
00:29:21which you have
00:29:22to custom order
00:29:23because
00:29:24if there's one color
00:29:25they hate.
00:29:29If you would have told me
00:29:30my favorite rapper
00:29:31from 2004
00:29:32would end up
00:29:33being anti-Semitic,
00:29:34I would have said,
00:29:34yeah,
00:29:3550 Cent hates everybody.
00:29:40This is a character
00:29:41I'm working on
00:29:41called Anti-Semitic 50 Cent.
00:29:43Get ready.
00:29:43Okay.
00:29:44Ready?
00:29:44Okay.
00:29:45Okay.
00:29:45Man,
00:29:46this weather's terrible.
00:29:48You know whose fault it is?
00:29:49The...
00:29:49Okay,
00:29:50what's that?
00:29:53Anti-Semitic 50 Cent
00:29:55hates Ja-Ru-Z-Love.
00:29:56Okay,
00:29:56that's it.
00:29:57That can just stay here.
00:29:59That don't have to go nowhere.
00:30:01Kanye's going crazy.
00:30:02You got Elon Musk
00:30:02walking around.
00:30:04Okay,
00:30:05this is what I can say
00:30:05about Elon Musk.
00:30:06Okay,
00:30:06listen,
00:30:06everyone listen.
00:30:07It's okay to be autistic.
00:30:10You can blink.
00:30:13It's not okay
00:30:14to look like that.
00:30:15Whoa!
00:30:16Oh my God,
00:30:17you paid money
00:30:18to look like that?
00:30:19That's an after picture?
00:30:21Ooh.
00:30:22Listen,
00:30:23Elon Musk,
00:30:23he has this superpower.
00:30:24He's the only person
00:30:25I know
00:30:25who can turn me
00:30:26into a Republican
00:30:26from 2008.
00:30:28Because every time
00:30:28I see him,
00:30:29I go,
00:30:29ooh,
00:30:30get this goddamn
00:30:31African off my TV.
00:30:34What's he doing
00:30:35in the White House?
00:30:35He wasn't even born here.
00:30:38He's probably gonna bring
00:30:39one of his eight
00:30:39baby mamas.
00:30:44Whenever I talk
00:30:44about politics,
00:30:45people go,
00:30:46oh,
00:30:46Jay,
00:30:46do you ever regret
00:30:47anything you've said?
00:30:48Recently,
00:30:49I do regret one thing.
00:30:50A couple months ago,
00:30:52I said something bad
00:30:53about Marjorie Taylor Greene.
00:30:54I said she has
00:30:55slightly equine features.
00:30:58And...
00:31:00Okay,
00:31:01maybe that's not...
00:31:02This is what I actually said
00:31:03was she hates gay people
00:31:04because we could do
00:31:05ketamine for fun
00:31:06and she still has to
00:31:09go to the vet
00:31:09to get a prescription.
00:31:11Now...
00:31:13Don't.
00:31:15Don't.
00:31:16No.
00:31:17That's not right.
00:31:19That's not right.
00:31:20Don't clap for that.
00:31:21No, no, no, no, no.
00:31:22This is what I want
00:31:23y'all to know.
00:31:24I have reflected
00:31:25and my friend said,
00:31:25Jay found one nice thing
00:31:26to say about that lady
00:31:27and I found it.
00:31:28Here's what I can say.
00:31:29I think if Marjorie Taylor Greene
00:31:31works very hard
00:31:31next spring,
00:31:32she could win
00:31:33the Kentucky Derby.
00:31:34Now...
00:31:37If that's too mean,
00:31:39I will apologize
00:31:39in person
00:31:40with a sugar cube.
00:31:44Stop, y'all.
00:31:45She scares easy, okay?
00:31:48Y'all remember
00:31:49when she brought
00:31:50that picture
00:31:50of Hunter Biden's dick
00:31:51to work, right?
00:31:53I get it.
00:31:54I get it.
00:31:54I pay taxes.
00:31:55Let me see that dick.
00:31:56But don't.
00:31:57Don't bring it to work.
00:31:59You know what that means?
00:31:59That means she woke up
00:32:01one morning.
00:32:01She took off
00:32:02her feedback.
00:32:06She Googled
00:32:06Hunter Biden's dick.
00:32:08These are hooves.
00:32:09Big.
00:32:12Printed it off.
00:32:13Now she's trotting
00:32:15through Congress
00:32:15with the picture.
00:32:17This is dressage.
00:32:19And she burst into
00:32:23a meeting about
00:32:24how Americans
00:32:24can't pay rent
00:32:25or whatever.
00:32:26And she's like,
00:32:26that's not important.
00:32:27We got to talk
00:32:28about this dick.
00:32:30And the rest
00:32:31of Congress said,
00:32:31we wish we could say
00:32:32to her,
00:32:32Marjorie,
00:32:33nay.
00:32:36Y'all.
00:32:38No, no, no.
00:32:42Y'all, please
00:32:43forgive me.
00:32:44I want some water.
00:32:46I'm a little horse.
00:32:50They love that joke
00:32:51in Georgia.
00:32:51They love it.
00:32:52I love telling that joke
00:32:53in the South.
00:32:54I love the South.
00:32:54I'm from the South.
00:32:56I love that I get to do
00:32:57this in the South.
00:32:58Now I'm from Mississippi.
00:32:59Now before...
00:33:01Thank you so much.
00:33:02That usually never happens.
00:33:06But I'm so happy
00:33:07that I could do this
00:33:07in Louisiana.
00:33:09Because if you don't know
00:33:09Louisiana,
00:33:10that's what happens
00:33:11if Mississippi takes
00:33:11French in high school.
00:33:16Every time I come
00:33:17to Louisiana,
00:33:17my favorite thing
00:33:18is they go,
00:33:19we're so different.
00:33:19They'll be like,
00:33:20yeah, I'm so different.
00:33:21I'm Creole.
00:33:22I'm like, yeah,
00:33:22I'm glad you brought up rape.
00:33:26Oh, y'all don't have
00:33:27U.S. history?
00:33:27Okay.
00:33:30Whenever I talk
00:33:31about Mississippi,
00:33:31people get so invested.
00:33:33They go, oh, Jay,
00:33:33where are you from
00:33:34in Mississippi?
00:33:34And I tell them
00:33:35I'm from Ken, Mississippi.
00:33:36So technically,
00:33:37I am Cantonese.
00:33:40Hashtag stop Asian hate.
00:33:42Now, as a Blasian,
00:33:44I do want to say
00:33:46I'm so proud
00:33:47of my community.
00:33:48At one point in time,
00:33:49y'all,
00:33:50Ken, Mississippi
00:33:50was the movie capital
00:33:51of Mississippi.
00:33:52That means we shot
00:33:53four movies there.
00:33:54We shot Mississippi Burning,
00:33:55A Time to Kill,
00:33:56My Dog Skip,
00:33:56and Old Brother,
00:33:57Where Art Thou?
00:33:57That means
00:33:58if you ever saw a movie
00:34:00in the 90s
00:34:00with a group of white men
00:34:01saying,
00:34:01get them,
00:34:02that's where I'm from.
00:34:05I'm from
00:34:05get them, Mississippi.
00:34:06Now,
00:34:07I went to school
00:34:08in Mississippi.
00:34:09Yeah, we got those.
00:34:10I went to school
00:34:10in Mississippi,
00:34:11and for college,
00:34:12I went to Ole Miss.
00:34:13Now, Ole Miss
00:34:13became very
00:34:15hotty-totty.
00:34:16Ole Miss became
00:34:17very popular
00:34:18because of a certain
00:34:18football movie.
00:34:19We all know the movie.
00:34:20Y'all can say it.
00:34:21The Blind Side.
00:34:22If you don't know
00:34:23The Blind Side,
00:34:24it's this documentary
00:34:26about this rich family
00:34:29from Memphis
00:34:30who kidnapped
00:34:30this large African-American man
00:34:33in the hopes
00:34:34that Sandra Bullock
00:34:36could get an Oscar.
00:34:37And it worked out
00:34:38for the best.
00:34:39No one's mad.
00:34:40Don't look it up.
00:34:42So after Ole Miss,
00:34:44I went to University
00:34:44of Alabama
00:34:45because I love being scared.
00:34:50If you look at a map,
00:34:51Mississippi and Alabama
00:34:52are back-to-back
00:34:52like,
00:34:53Nuh-uh,
00:34:53she's trash.
00:34:56And you're like,
00:34:57girls,
00:34:57stop fighting.
00:34:58Y'all have the same dad.
00:35:00Now,
00:35:01when I was at
00:35:02the University of Alabama,
00:35:03I was a graduate
00:35:04teaching assistant.
00:35:05I taught a very
00:35:06controversial subject.
00:35:07I taught conversion therapy.
00:35:08Don't worry.
00:35:09It was in the right direction,
00:35:10straight to gay,
00:35:10or as they called it,
00:35:12introduction to theater
00:35:13for non-majors.
00:35:18As a first-year teacher
00:35:20who teaches theater,
00:35:21your job is to go.
00:35:21You're going to be
00:35:22an amazing actor.
00:35:25You,
00:35:26business school.
00:35:28So I love
00:35:30being in the South,
00:35:30but then when you move
00:35:31to New York,
00:35:31people have all these
00:35:32questions.
00:35:32They go,
00:35:33oh, Jay,
00:35:33you must be happy
00:35:34to be out of the South.
00:35:35The racism down there
00:35:36must be so pronounced.
00:35:37And I always tell them,
00:35:38y'all pronounced it
00:35:39just fine up here.
00:35:42They'll say stuff like,
00:35:42oh, Jay,
00:35:43you must feel so much
00:35:43more comfortable
00:35:44in New York City.
00:35:45That's when I have to say,
00:35:45well, to tell you
00:35:46the truth, officer.
00:35:48These handcuffs
00:35:49are a little snug.
00:35:51So whenever I leave,
00:35:53whenever I left the South,
00:35:54people said,
00:35:55oh, Jay,
00:35:55what do you miss?
00:35:56What do you miss?
00:35:56What do you miss?
00:35:57And y'all,
00:35:57I miss my family.
00:35:58I miss my niece.
00:35:59I love my niece.
00:36:00But unfortunately,
00:36:01y'all,
00:36:01my niece loves Chick-fil-A.
00:36:02Now,
00:36:02I want y'all to judge her.
00:36:04She doesn't know any better.
00:36:04She's only seven.
00:36:05She is just a bigot.
00:36:07But if you were to ask me,
00:36:09I'm going to tell you straight up,
00:36:10Chick-fil-A,
00:36:11that company's not getting
00:36:12any of my husband's dad's money.
00:36:14In fact,
00:36:15you take me to Chick-fil-A,
00:36:16I'm going to hold a protest.
00:36:17And by holding a protest,
00:36:18I mean I'm going to walk in,
00:36:19buy something,
00:36:20get on their Wi-Fi,
00:36:21and watch gay porn.
00:36:22And about halfway through,
00:36:26I'm going to be like,
00:36:27oh, my God,
00:36:28that dude works at Chick-fil-A.
00:36:31The title of the film,
00:36:32My Pleasure.
00:36:33Oh, gross.
00:36:35That is not ranch.
00:36:38You like that one?
00:36:39I can't even tell
00:36:39that joke on Sundays.
00:36:40Now,
00:36:43here's the other thing.
00:36:44They say,
00:36:44Jay, what food do you miss?
00:36:45What food do you miss?
00:36:45I miss good old-fashioned
00:36:46Southern barbecue.
00:36:47That's what I miss.
00:36:48What I don't miss
00:36:49is that recently,
00:36:50over the past five years,
00:36:51every Southern barbecue place
00:36:52has gotten way too sexual
00:36:53with their name.
00:36:54Now they're all named
00:36:54stuff like Big Daddy's Meat Shack
00:36:56or Lil Dicky's Smokehouse.
00:36:58You walk in,
00:36:59open the menu,
00:37:00it's just full of double entendre.
00:37:01It's just something like,
00:37:02here at Big Daddy's Meat Shack,
00:37:04we treat our meat right.
00:37:05We let hickory and pecan
00:37:06on edge our meat
00:37:07for 16 hours.
00:37:09And then we serve it up
00:37:10until you wet
00:37:10with our three sauces.
00:37:12Regular, spicy,
00:37:13and on my tits, please.
00:37:16Y'all,
00:37:16I just want a pulled pork sandwich.
00:37:18Now,
00:37:20pulled pork,
00:37:21favorite gay bar
00:37:22in New York City.
00:37:22But it's also
00:37:24an amazing sandwich.
00:37:26Pulled pork comes
00:37:26from the pork butt,
00:37:27but the pork butt
00:37:28isn't the pig's butt,
00:37:29it's the pig's shoulder.
00:37:29But y'all are smart,
00:37:30so y'all know
00:37:30I love shoulder sex.
00:37:32I have to come up
00:37:34with a vegetarian version
00:37:36of that joke
00:37:36because my husband
00:37:37has been flirting
00:37:38with vegetarianism,
00:37:39so naturally,
00:37:39I have been flirting
00:37:40with other boys.
00:37:41So if you want,
00:37:43if you want vegetarian pulled pork,
00:37:45use something called jackfruit.
00:37:46Now, jackfruit,
00:37:47second favorite gay bar
00:37:48in New York City.
00:37:49It is,
00:37:50it is an amazing spot,
00:37:52lorry, style,
00:37:53really more of a queer space.
00:37:54They accept all types.
00:37:55And that's what I love
00:37:56about the LG BBQ community.
00:37:59It is so diverse,
00:38:01so vast,
00:38:03so open,
00:38:03so accepting, right?
00:38:05Texas barbecue
00:38:05is different
00:38:06than Kansas City barbecue.
00:38:07Kansas City barbecue
00:38:08is different
00:38:08than Memphis barbecue.
00:38:09In the Carolinas,
00:38:10it's not even considered
00:38:11barbecue unless you do
00:38:12the whole hog.
00:38:13Now, whole hog
00:38:14is the last gay bar
00:38:15I'm gonna mention.
00:38:18It's probably my favorite spot.
00:38:20It's up in Harlem,
00:38:21close to me.
00:38:22They have a specialty drink
00:38:23called the Langston Huge.
00:38:24And that joke
00:38:25is not just a callback.
00:38:26It also lets me know
00:38:27who took an African-American
00:38:28studies course, right?
00:38:30Because sometimes
00:38:31black people hear that joke
00:38:32and they go,
00:38:33Langston Hughes was gay?
00:38:34What?
00:38:35And I go,
00:38:36you didn't hear me say poet?
00:38:38And then sometimes
00:38:39white people hear that joke
00:38:40and they go,
00:38:40who?
00:38:42But I'm proud of y'all.
00:38:43Y'all laugh
00:38:43and it's not even February.
00:38:46Or June.
00:38:49I want to play a game with y'all
00:38:50because y'all have been
00:38:51so much fun.
00:38:51This is what we're gonna do.
00:38:52And a lot of times,
00:38:53a lot of times,
00:38:54I say,
00:38:54I don't want people to talk.
00:38:55This is the only chance
00:38:56y'all get to talk.
00:38:56The rest of the night
00:38:57is about me.
00:38:58So I'm gonna call out
00:39:00an age group,
00:39:01a generation,
00:39:02if you will.
00:39:03If you identify
00:39:03with this generation,
00:39:04you get to make some noise.
00:39:06So let's start
00:39:07with our most respected members.
00:39:08Baby boomers,
00:39:09make some noise.
00:39:10Woo!
00:39:11Woo!
00:39:12Woo!
00:39:12Woo!
00:39:13Woo!
00:39:13Woo!
00:39:14Woo!
00:39:15Woo!
00:39:15Woo!
00:39:15Woo!
00:39:15On the count of three,
00:39:16kill them.
00:39:17No, no, stop.
00:39:19Sit down.
00:39:19No, I don't want you dead.
00:39:21I just want property.
00:39:22Okay?
00:39:24I love baby boomers.
00:39:25I think y'all are the best.
00:39:26Typocrites.
00:39:27They invented the pill,
00:39:29had all the sex.
00:39:30Invented drugs,
00:39:31did all the drugs.
00:39:31And the minute they turned 45,
00:39:33they're like,
00:39:33actually,
00:39:33that's against the rules.
00:39:34Ha ha!
00:39:36Woo!
00:39:36Good luck getting the yard.
00:39:38Okay, now,
00:39:39let's do my people.
00:39:41Millennials make some noise.
00:39:42Woo!
00:39:45Woo!
00:39:45Woo!
00:39:45Woo!
00:39:45Yeah, you hear that?
00:39:47That is what poverty sounds like.
00:39:49No, I love y'all.
00:39:52I'm in the same boat.
00:39:52When I first moved
00:39:53to New York City,
00:39:54one of my friends
00:39:54made $100,000 more than me.
00:39:57Yeah, that's right.
00:39:57He made $80,000.
00:39:59Another one of my friends...
00:40:00Ha ha ha!
00:40:02Ha ha!
00:40:02Ha ha!
00:40:03Ha ha!
00:40:03People will say
00:40:04we haven't made anything
00:40:06as Millennials.
00:40:07We made some pretty cool stuff.
00:40:08We made emo rap.
00:40:10Ha ha!
00:40:11If y'all know something,
00:40:12emo rap is what happens
00:40:13when you have a hot topic
00:40:13next to a footlocker.
00:40:14Emo rap is...
00:40:17How can I explain it?
00:40:18The chemical formula
00:40:19is Fallout Soldier Boy.
00:40:20Emo rap...
00:40:21Ha ha ha!
00:40:23It's a bunch of young black kids
00:40:24on stage saying stuff like,
00:40:26I got hoes,
00:40:28but it's too many.
00:40:30Ha ha!
00:40:32It's just them saying things like,
00:40:33I'd shoot you
00:40:34if guns weren't so loud.
00:40:35And then...
00:40:37And then they brag
00:40:38about the most mundane stuff.
00:40:39They're always like,
00:40:39where I'm from,
00:40:40it's only one way out.
00:40:41I'm like, yeah, Brandon,
00:40:42that's how cul-de-sacs work.
00:40:48Every emo rapper
00:40:49sounds like a baby,
00:40:50but also sounds like
00:40:51a horny baby.
00:40:53They just all sound like,
00:40:54Balenciaga.
00:40:55Balenciaga.
00:40:55Balenciaga.
00:41:01Balenciaga.
00:41:02Balenciaga.
00:41:04Balenciaga.
00:41:05Balenciaga.
00:41:07I also don't like emo rappers
00:41:09because emo rappers
00:41:09have face tattoos,
00:41:10and I don't like face tattoos.
00:41:12Not because of what they represent,
00:41:13but because of what they do to me.
00:41:14All around,
00:41:15so progressive.
00:41:16Love is love,
00:41:16gender is fluid,
00:41:17sexuality is a spectrum.
00:41:18Do whatever you want to do.
00:41:19But the minute I see a face tattoo,
00:41:21I instantly turn into
00:41:22a baby boomer.
00:41:23The minute I see
00:41:24a face tattoo,
00:41:25it's just...
00:41:29Get a job.
00:41:34Pull up your pants,
00:41:35drink some milk from a cow,
00:41:36put on some stockings,
00:41:37help me attach this PDF.
00:41:39Oh, by the way,
00:41:42the president is a good man.
00:41:44He's doing his best,
00:41:46God damn it,
00:41:46now call me for a brisk
00:41:47walk around the mall.
00:41:52Have you pooped today?
00:41:55I haven't had a good
00:41:56bowel movement in weeks.
00:41:58Oh, don't be alarmed,
00:41:59but me and your mama
00:42:00would try something new
00:42:00in the bedroom.
00:42:02Ever since you moved out,
00:42:03we turned your room
00:42:04into a playroom for adults.
00:42:05Yeah, we bought
00:42:07a Hitachi magic wand.
00:42:08Yeah, Hitachi,
00:42:10I used to think that's when
00:42:10the Japanese food
00:42:11was cooked in friendship.
00:42:13But, um,
00:42:15me and your mama,
00:42:15we been having quite a time.
00:42:17Last night,
00:42:17we had to put a towel down.
00:42:19Hey, that's a joke
00:42:20about your mom squirting.
00:42:21And,
00:42:23just so we're clear,
00:42:25how do we feel
00:42:25about older women squirting?
00:42:29No, they could slip and fall.
00:42:31Is that what you want?
00:42:32Is that what you need?
00:42:34Do you want to make
00:42:34this phone call?
00:42:35Yeah, I found mom.
00:42:36Um,
00:42:38okay, good news,
00:42:39good news,
00:42:40she looks peaceful.
00:42:41Um,
00:42:43the bad news is,
00:42:44it's stuck.
00:42:45Yeah,
00:42:46it's a real
00:42:46sword in the stone
00:42:47situation over here.
00:42:50Some of y'all
00:42:51are going to go home
00:42:52and have to look
00:42:52at her in the eye
00:42:53after hearing.
00:42:55I make fun
00:42:56of older people,
00:42:57but I am getting older.
00:42:59You know how I know?
00:42:59I'm starting to look
00:43:00very good in a robe.
00:43:02Yeah.
00:43:03That robe is starting
00:43:04to feel appropriate.
00:43:05When my nephew wears a robe,
00:43:06I go,
00:43:06look at you,
00:43:07you think you're a grown-up.
00:43:08When I wear a robe,
00:43:09kids in the neighborhood say,
00:43:10we're sorry,
00:43:11we will keep the music down,
00:43:12Mr. Jordan.
00:43:14We understand.
00:43:15I'm like,
00:43:15yeah,
00:43:15that's not a commotion
00:43:16y'all are keeping up
00:43:17this evening.
00:43:17I'm about to draw my bath
00:43:18and have my supper,
00:43:19and y'all are out here
00:43:20with the boom-da-boom.
00:43:23Oh my,
00:43:24I'm so happy
00:43:24I know about
00:43:25the boom-da-boom.
00:43:25Okay,
00:43:26God,
00:43:26thank God.
00:43:27So if you don't know
00:43:27the boom-da-boom,
00:43:28it's this audio phenomenon
00:43:30prevalent in African-American
00:43:32older people.
00:43:33So what happens
00:43:34is the older you get,
00:43:35you can't hear
00:43:35higher frequencies.
00:43:36So when they hear
00:43:36a rap song,
00:43:37they don't hear lyrics,
00:43:38they just hear the bass.
00:43:39They hear the boom-da-boom.
00:43:40It happened to my mom
00:43:41earlier than I would have liked.
00:43:42So I was going to high school,
00:43:44I was finally on the front seat,
00:43:45riding with my mom.
00:43:46I said,
00:43:47Mom,
00:43:47I'm 15 now.
00:43:48Can we please listen
00:43:49to rap in the morning?
00:43:50She said,
00:43:50Nah,
00:43:51it's way too early
00:43:52for the boom-da-boom.
00:43:52I said,
00:43:53Well,
00:43:53what are we going to listen to?
00:43:55She said,
00:43:55As a family,
00:43:56we are going to listen
00:43:57to very sensual R&B.
00:44:07Have you ever had
00:44:08to be 15
00:44:09next to your mom
00:44:11as she squirms
00:44:12to Maxwell?
00:44:16You don't have
00:44:16pretty wings.
00:44:17Margaret,
00:44:18he's not singing
00:44:18about you.
00:44:21Oh,
00:44:22y'all,
00:44:22I feel terrible.
00:44:23I forgot about one group.
00:44:24I forgot about Gen X.
00:44:26Gen X?
00:44:26Any Gen Xers here?
00:44:28Okay.
00:44:29Hell yeah.
00:44:30I love y'all.
00:44:31I have a question.
00:44:32Why were y'all so easy
00:44:33to molest?
00:44:34What was happening?
00:44:36I like the fact
00:44:37that they still laugh
00:44:38because they have
00:44:38lead paint in their systems.
00:44:41If you weren't molested
00:44:42as a Gen Xer,
00:44:43you just weren't cute.
00:44:44Okay,
00:44:44finally,
00:44:46let's do my new favorite group,
00:44:49Gen Z.
00:44:49Gen Z?
00:44:51Okay.
00:44:52Yeah.
00:44:53I'm proud of you.
00:44:55Outside.
00:45:03Right?
00:45:06Making eye contact?
00:45:09That's a big deal.
00:45:10I'm gonna make you
00:45:11make a phone call next.
00:45:13They hate that.
00:45:15No,
00:45:15I love Gen Z.
00:45:16I love Gen Z.
00:45:16I love Gen Z
00:45:17because Gen Z is so intense.
00:45:19Every time two Gen Zers me
00:45:20on the street,
00:45:20this is what it sounds like.
00:45:21Oh my God,
00:45:22you're stunning.
00:45:23You're a diva.
00:45:23You're a model.
00:45:24You're a goddess.
00:45:25You're a legend.
00:45:25You're an icon.
00:45:26What's his name?
00:45:26You're two good from,
00:45:27did you know,
00:45:28all of this is stolen land?
00:45:30Anyway.
00:45:34I just saw a TikTok
00:45:35that let me know
00:45:35I might be autistic.
00:45:36Or,
00:45:37it was an ad for clothes.
00:45:39I do not know.
00:45:41But what I do know
00:45:42is that one day
00:45:42you're gonna see me
00:45:43on the big screen
00:45:43slay my mom.
00:45:46And y'all,
00:45:47that is just
00:45:48the straight boys.
00:45:51They are painting
00:45:52their fingernails.
00:45:53My God.
00:45:54When I see these young
00:45:55Gen Z straight boys
00:45:56being able to paint
00:45:56their fingernails,
00:45:57dress how they wanna dress,
00:45:58live authentically,
00:45:59I just wanna walk up to them
00:46:00with a smile on my face,
00:46:01outstretch their arms,
00:46:02and say,
00:46:02faggot.
00:46:10I've been in this state
00:46:11too long.
00:46:14Oh,
00:46:15sad part is,
00:46:16some straight men in here,
00:46:17that's gonna be
00:46:17your favorite joke
00:46:18of the show.
00:46:19They're gonna go home
00:46:20and be like,
00:46:20woo,
00:46:21when that faggot
00:46:21say a faggot,
00:46:26go off, sis.
00:46:30That word is so scary
00:46:32to some people,
00:46:32but I think it's funny.
00:46:34It's a funny word
00:46:35in context
00:46:36and with rules.
00:46:37Applied within the rules,
00:46:38it's very funny.
00:46:39Okay,
00:46:39and I'm gonna tell y'all
00:46:40the rules.
00:46:41I shouldn't even tell y'all
00:46:41the rules
00:46:42because we only talk
00:46:42about it at the meetings,
00:46:43but,
00:46:46no,
00:46:46but there are a couple rules
00:46:47when it comes to
00:46:47dropping a pink F-bomb,
00:46:49so here are two rules
00:46:49when it comes to
00:46:50the word faggot.
00:46:50Number one,
00:46:51dykes can say faggot
00:46:53because the faggot
00:46:54just said dyke.
00:46:55I believe that's math.
00:46:58I think they call it
00:46:59the transitive property.
00:47:01Also,
00:47:02transitive genders,
00:47:03they can say it too.
00:47:04Here's the second rule
00:47:04for the boys.
00:47:05Men,
00:47:06you have to think
00:47:07about it like this.
00:47:07The law of equivalent exchange.
00:47:09The word faggot
00:47:10can come out of your mouth
00:47:11as many times
00:47:12as a faggot
00:47:12has gone in it.
00:47:13So,
00:47:14so,
00:47:19if you were in a frat,
00:47:20you can say it.
00:47:24I think faggot
00:47:24is scary
00:47:25only when it's tied
00:47:26to homophobia,
00:47:26and homophobia
00:47:27is never funny
00:47:28except for these
00:47:29next three jokes.
00:47:31Okay,
00:47:32so,
00:47:32y'all,
00:47:32it's not funny.
00:47:33It's not funny.
00:47:34It's not funny.
00:47:35Homophobia is real.
00:47:36I recently had to deal
00:47:37with some homophobia
00:47:37and by that I mean
00:47:38I did not get my way.
00:47:40I was,
00:47:42I was walking
00:47:43in Harlem.
00:47:43I'm gonna be honest,
00:47:44I was prancing
00:47:45in Harlem
00:47:45and I happened
00:47:46to prance
00:47:47across this church
00:47:48and this church
00:47:49had a side
00:47:50and the marquee said,
00:47:51gentrifying homos
00:47:52are ruining Harlem.
00:47:53And all I could think
00:47:54is,
00:47:54oh my God,
00:47:55that is a crazy way
00:47:56to say thank you
00:47:57for the new
00:47:57Trader Joe's.
00:48:00What I want to say
00:48:00is how about I
00:48:01gentrify your mouth
00:48:01with my dick,
00:48:02nigga,
00:48:02how about that?
00:48:03But I didn't.
00:48:04I behaved myself.
00:48:05The other time
00:48:06I had to deal
00:48:06with homophobia,
00:48:07I was asking for it.
00:48:08I was on Twitter.
00:48:09That's kind of
00:48:09where it's manufactured.
00:48:10And so,
00:48:11I was tweeting
00:48:12and a person
00:48:13saw one of my tweets
00:48:14and responded,
00:48:15why do we care
00:48:15what you think?
00:48:16You're gay.
00:48:17And I said,
00:48:17please don't tell
00:48:18my husband.
00:48:19He didn't like that.
00:48:21So then he responded,
00:48:23I'm going to shut you up.
00:48:23I know what you gay guys like.
00:48:24And he sent me a picture
00:48:25of a rock hard dick.
00:48:26Now,
00:48:27before I could type yummy,
00:48:29he replied,
00:48:31by the way,
00:48:32that's not mine.
00:48:37Wait a minute.
00:48:37Hold on, hold on,
00:48:38hold on, hold on,
00:48:38hold on, hold on,
00:48:39hold on.
00:48:39Hold on.
00:48:40My heterosexual brother
00:48:41in Christ,
00:48:42are you,
00:48:43are you saving dicks
00:48:45that aren't yours
00:48:46on your phone
00:48:48to send to me?
00:48:50After calling me gay?
00:48:52Baby,
00:48:52I don't know how
00:48:53to tell you this,
00:48:53but you're an ally.
00:49:00And sometimes
00:49:01when it comes to homophobia,
00:49:02you think someone's homophobic,
00:49:03but they're not.
00:49:04That's just how
00:49:05they be talking.
00:49:06It happened with,
00:49:06it happened with my Aunt Jackie.
00:49:08Now,
00:49:08I thought my Aunt Jackie
00:49:08didn't like gay people.
00:49:10I don't know,
00:49:10she's a woman of a certain age.
00:49:11I thought she wasn't
00:49:12comfortable with us.
00:49:12So then I go to her
00:49:13one Christmas
00:49:14and I don't bring the man
00:49:15who would become my husband.
00:49:16She pulled me into the kitchen.
00:49:17She said,
00:49:17hey, Jay,
00:49:17I want you to know something.
00:49:18At family gatherings like this,
00:49:20everyone is welcome.
00:49:20And by everyone,
00:49:21I mean everyone.
00:49:23Bring him next time.
00:49:23So I brought my husband
00:49:24the next year.
00:49:25They hit it off.
00:49:26Now they're besties.
00:49:27They're having a good time,
00:49:28a good kiki.
00:49:29Now we have another problem.
00:49:31My Aunt has become
00:49:32too comfortable
00:49:33with the gays.
00:49:34We have overcorrected.
00:49:35When my Aunt sees
00:49:36a gay couple,
00:49:37what I want her to say is,
00:49:38oh my gosh,
00:49:39they look so happy together.
00:49:40What she says instead is,
00:49:41ooh,
00:49:42I bet the big one
00:49:43be tearing the little one up.
00:49:55I liked it better
00:49:56when we were going to hell,
00:49:57Jackie.
00:49:57I don't know.
00:50:02I also love the fact
00:50:03that whenever I do these shows
00:50:05and people get to laugh
00:50:06at all of my inner thoughts,
00:50:07I feel so connected to y'all.
00:50:09I feel so connected,
00:50:09in fact,
00:50:10that I'm going to tell y'all
00:50:11a secret,
00:50:12and this cannot leave
00:50:13this room, okay?
00:50:15This is a secret
00:50:16I've only told
00:50:17thousands of other people.
00:50:18Okay, stop.
00:50:19Okay, y'all,
00:50:20I'm not even gay.
00:50:22I just want to be marketable.
00:50:25But also,
00:50:25but also,
00:50:25I'm not straight.
00:50:26I am queer,
00:50:27as in everybody's hot.
00:50:29Not gay,
00:50:29as in remind the teacher
00:50:30we have homework.
00:50:31I am...
00:50:35Okay?
00:50:37I'm bi
00:50:38because it is 2025,
00:50:40and women
00:50:41also make money.
00:50:42So that's...
00:50:44That's where I am,
00:50:45financially and sexually,
00:50:46right?
00:50:47Ladies,
00:50:47don't you want someone
00:50:47who can please you,
00:50:48who also enjoys petty gossip,
00:50:50right?
00:50:50I can hit you
00:50:51with the ooh girl
00:50:52and the ooh girl.
00:50:53Listen,
00:50:53I will eat pussy right now
00:50:56if it's in the fridge
00:50:56and I don't feel like cooking.
00:50:57Now,
00:50:59some people don't trust that.
00:51:01Some people don't believe me.
00:51:03But yes,
00:51:03I can have pussy
00:51:04every now and then
00:51:05as a treat.
00:51:05But here's the problem.
00:51:07Because I'm bi,
00:51:08when I eat pussy,
00:51:08I eat pussy very gay,
00:51:09on my stomach
00:51:10with my feet up.
00:51:11Just...
00:51:14The whole time I'm like,
00:51:15oh my gosh.
00:51:18Is this from scratch?
00:51:21Wait a second,
00:51:22wait a second.
00:51:22What'd you put in this?
00:51:24Hold on.
00:51:24Don't tell me,
00:51:25don't tell me.
00:51:26Cardamom?
00:51:29I told one of my friends
00:51:30I was bi,
00:51:30he said,
00:51:31great,
00:51:31Jay,
00:51:31you're just coming out
00:51:32as horny.
00:51:33I was like,
00:51:33yeah.
00:51:36I told another one
00:51:37of my friends I was bi
00:51:38and she said,
00:51:38but I showed you my titties.
00:51:40And I said,
00:51:40yep,
00:51:40that's what did it.
00:51:41Great titties.
00:51:43And yes,
00:51:44for the purpose of this joke,
00:51:45I am going to say the word titties.
00:51:46I'm not going to say breasts.
00:51:47I'm not a scientist.
00:51:48I'm not going to say tits.
00:51:49Those sound sharp.
00:51:51I want to say the fun words.
00:51:52T-I-double-D-I-E-S.
00:51:55Titties.
00:51:55Think about it this way.
00:51:57Breast,
00:51:57occupational.
00:51:58Titties,
00:51:58recreational,
00:51:59right?
00:52:00Okay,
00:52:01go with me,
00:52:02go with me,
00:52:02go with me.
00:52:03In my opinion,
00:52:04titties have never had cancer.
00:52:08Strictly a breast issue.
00:52:10And if you have titty cancer,
00:52:13then you also have
00:52:13an extremely unprofessional doctor.
00:52:15Just
00:52:17the kind of guy
00:52:18who walks in and goes,
00:52:19let me see him.
00:52:24Yeah,
00:52:25you caught me.
00:52:25I'm a dentist.
00:52:29I love to get in
00:52:30and share stuff with y'all.
00:52:32I've been better
00:52:33about sharing things.
00:52:34I finally got into therapy.
00:52:35I love my therapist.
00:52:36She's a black woman
00:52:37with locks,
00:52:37so it's going to work.
00:52:38And I'm just so happy,
00:52:41y'all.
00:52:41She's truly the best.
00:52:43One time she hit me
00:52:43with a mm,
00:52:44and I was like,
00:52:44oh, that fixed it.
00:52:45Okay, that's exactly
00:52:47what I needed.
00:52:48So, y'all,
00:52:49she's been diagnosing me,
00:52:50which that's what
00:52:50they get paid to do.
00:52:51This is what she told me.
00:52:52She said,
00:52:53Jay,
00:52:53I think you have
00:52:54a little bit of narcissism.
00:52:56And I said,
00:52:56huh,
00:52:57I wasn't paying attention.
00:52:59I got narcissism.
00:53:00I also have
00:53:01a little bit of depression.
00:53:02Not a lot,
00:53:03just a little.
00:53:03Just enough to be
00:53:04very good at taking naps.
00:53:06You know,
00:53:06a nap,
00:53:07that's when you medically
00:53:08want to be dead
00:53:09for a little bit,
00:53:10okay?
00:53:10All right,
00:53:11if someone's laughing hard,
00:53:12check on them,
00:53:13okay?
00:53:14It's never who you think
00:53:15you're loved.
00:53:16Okay,
00:53:16and finally,
00:53:17finally,
00:53:17I have anxiety.
00:53:18My anxiety manifests itself
00:53:19primarily as insomnia,
00:53:21so to combat that insomnia,
00:53:22I got a white noise machine,
00:53:23but my husband
00:53:24doesn't like it
00:53:25when I call him that.
00:53:30Okay,
00:53:31okay,
00:53:31people hear that joke.
00:53:32Any white husband,
00:53:33how white is it?
00:53:34Cryptocurrency level white.
00:53:36Yeah,
00:53:37yeah,
00:53:37he works in cryptocurrency,
00:53:38which is really fun,
00:53:39because that means
00:53:39every week,
00:53:40he gets to tell me
00:53:41if we still have
00:53:42an apartment.
00:53:44He's that level of white
00:53:45where he loves denim.
00:53:47He's got all the jeans.
00:53:47He's got straight leg jeans,
00:53:49boot cut jeans,
00:53:50recessive jeans,
00:53:51he's got them all.
00:53:54One time,
00:53:54we went to a protest.
00:53:55We took different paths there,
00:53:56because I don't want to bring
00:53:57ants to a picnic,
00:53:58and so we went,
00:53:59and there was this guy
00:54:00with a microphone
00:54:00and a speaker,
00:54:01and he was saying stuff
00:54:02people needed to hear.
00:54:03He was saying stuff like,
00:54:04white people need to take ownership
00:54:05over being complicit
00:54:06in systemic oppression
00:54:07in this country
00:54:08for over 300 years.
00:54:09Then I looked at my husband
00:54:10and went,
00:54:10and unload the dishwasher.
00:54:15It's a baby step.
00:54:16Come on,
00:54:16we didn't want you
00:54:17to help for nothing.
00:54:21Here's the other thing
00:54:21that people ask me.
00:54:22They go,
00:54:22oh, Jay,
00:54:23you married this white guy.
00:54:24You've been dating this white guy
00:54:25for so long.
00:54:26Do you feel like your blackness
00:54:27has been affected?
00:54:28That's when I got to check them.
00:54:29I go, listen,
00:54:29I'm from Mississippi.
00:54:30My mother and my grandmother
00:54:31saw civil rights happen
00:54:32in real time.
00:54:33I was born black.
00:54:34I'm going to die black,
00:54:34because that's how I feel
00:54:35most days.
00:54:36And then some days,
00:54:38I'm like,
00:54:38ooh, baby,
00:54:39we should get a birthday cake
00:54:39for the dog.
00:54:46Not a joke.
00:54:49Not a joke at all.
00:54:51Here's the thing.
00:54:52Whenever I'm telling these jokes,
00:54:53sometimes I realize,
00:54:54oh, Jay,
00:54:55you joke about the wrong stuff
00:54:57at the wrong time.
00:54:58This is the right place
00:54:59to joke about certain things.
00:55:00Every now and then,
00:55:01I get a gig,
00:55:01and I go,
00:55:02oh, this is the wrong joke
00:55:03for the wrong place.
00:55:04One time, y'all,
00:55:05I can't even make this up.
00:55:06I got hired to do a show
00:55:08at a very Catholic college.
00:55:10I don't know what tape they saw,
00:55:11but so they,
00:55:14they brought me in,
00:55:15and before you do a show like that,
00:55:16they take you backstage,
00:55:17and they go,
00:55:17hey, it's a couple things
00:55:18we want you to avoid.
00:55:19This is a Catholic college,
00:55:19so I go, great,
00:55:20I won't talk about y'all
00:55:21touching the kids.
00:55:22I say, I got it.
00:55:23I got it.
00:55:23I say, hey, listen to me.
00:55:24I can be just as quiet
00:55:25as y'all were.
00:55:29I said, also,
00:55:30if I do bring it up,
00:55:31can you just move me
00:55:32to a different parish,
00:55:33like you always do?
00:55:39But y'all,
00:55:41that was not it.
00:55:42They said,
00:55:43Jay, we are a Catholic college.
00:55:44There's a couple things
00:55:45we want you to avoid.
00:55:46Primarily,
00:55:47you can't promote
00:55:48birth control during the show.
00:55:49It goes against
00:55:50when the central tenets
00:55:51of Catholic faith
00:55:52don't bring it up.
00:55:53I say, great,
00:55:54I won't bring it up.
00:55:54I won't bring it up.
00:55:55Then I get on stage,
00:55:57and my comedy brain says,
00:55:58but wouldn't it be funny
00:55:59if you did bring it up?
00:56:02So I'm out there,
00:56:03and I banded halfway
00:56:04through one of my sets.
00:56:05I go, oh, by the way,
00:56:07backstage, y'all,
00:56:07they said I couldn't
00:56:08talk about condoms,
00:56:09which is fine,
00:56:09because me and my boyfriend
00:56:10don't use them.
00:56:19They have yet to invite me back,
00:56:21and I thought Christianity
00:56:23was about forgiveness.
00:56:25Sometimes the setting is wrong.
00:56:27You know where they hate laughs?
00:56:29The Smithsonian Museum
00:56:30for African American History
00:56:32and Culture.
00:56:32They do not encourage
00:56:34the hees and the ha-has
00:56:36in the Black History Museum.
00:56:37So I went to the Black History Museum.
00:56:39You should go before
00:56:40Trump closes it.
00:56:41I went to the Black History Museum,
00:56:44and I went with another
00:56:45Black comedian,
00:56:46just in case it was.
00:56:47A trap.
00:56:48Don't laugh.
00:56:49They got us once.
00:56:51Okay?
00:56:52So when you go
00:56:53to the Black History Museum,
00:56:54oh, because of slavery.
00:56:55Yeah, so you're just realizing?
00:56:58In Louisiana?
00:57:00What wonders ever cease?
00:57:02So when you go
00:57:03to the Black History Museum,
00:57:04you walk in,
00:57:05and you get in the elevator,
00:57:06and the elevator goes down,
00:57:08and you as a museum patron
00:57:10walk back up
00:57:10to represent the progress
00:57:11of black people.
00:57:12Here's how the museum goes.
00:57:14It goes west coast of Africa,
00:57:16and then it goes slavery,
00:57:19slavery, slavery,
00:57:21Civil War,
00:57:22Reconstruction,
00:57:23Jim Crow,
00:57:24Civil Rights,
00:57:25Flavor Flav, Obama.
00:57:27And when I was there,
00:57:29I was like,
00:57:29oh my gosh,
00:57:30I can't believe
00:57:30they have Flavor Flav's clock.
00:57:32What?
00:57:33I thought the old lady
00:57:33dropped it in the ocean
00:57:34at the end.
00:57:40So this is what happens.
00:57:41So I get to the museum.
00:57:43I get on the elevator.
00:57:43I'm in the elevator
00:57:44with my friend
00:57:45and another black family,
00:57:46and this black family
00:57:47is so beautiful.
00:57:48They have this little
00:57:48precious black girl
00:57:49with them,
00:57:49and she's smiling.
00:57:50She's so excited
00:57:51for the museum,
00:57:51and I look at her,
00:57:52and I go,
00:57:52whoo, that's gonna change.
00:57:55So I'm just walking
00:57:56through the museum.
00:57:56Little did I know
00:57:57I would be changed.
00:57:58Listen up, New Orleans.
00:57:59I was walking
00:58:00through that museum.
00:58:01I got so overwhelmed
00:58:02with the imagery
00:58:04and the brutalization
00:58:04of people who look like me.
00:58:06I got so mad.
00:58:07I got so sad.
00:58:08My neck got hot.
00:58:09My ears got hot.
00:58:10And I did the only thing
00:58:11I know as a comedian.
00:58:12I started to make
00:58:14a few jokes.
00:58:15So here's what I did.
00:58:16Please tell me
00:58:16if this is okay.
00:58:18I found a white couple,
00:58:21and I just started
00:58:22following them.
00:58:24And every time
00:58:25they went to an exhibit,
00:58:26I was right behind it,
00:58:27as if to say,
00:58:27you see what you did?
00:58:29They went to another exhibit.
00:58:30I'm right there,
00:58:31resting.
00:58:32You see what you did?
00:58:33They went to another exhibit.
00:58:34I'm behind them like,
00:58:35you see what you did?
00:58:36They finally turned around.
00:58:37They were like,
00:58:37we're European.
00:58:38I was like,
00:58:38even worse.
00:58:41And then they paid
00:58:41for my ticket.
00:58:44And I'm always like,
00:58:45oh my God, Jay,
00:58:46why do you act this way?
00:58:48And you know
00:58:48whose fault it is?
00:58:49It's not my fault.
00:58:49It's my mama's fault.
00:58:50I get all of this
00:58:51from my mom.
00:58:52My mom made one joke
00:58:53at the most inappropriate
00:58:55time ever,
00:58:56my coming out.
00:58:57So, okay, okay,
00:58:57so picture, okay.
00:58:58So it's 15 years ago.
00:59:00I'm coming out to my mom.
00:59:01I call my mama up.
00:59:02I say, mom,
00:59:02first of all,
00:59:03happy birthday.
00:59:04Secondly,
00:59:06secondly,
00:59:06some news.
00:59:07I think I like boys.
00:59:09And she said,
00:59:09Jay, baby,
00:59:11do you think they'll like you?
00:59:12Girl, what?
00:59:13Hold on.
00:59:14No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:59:16We're running back.
00:59:16We're not about to do this today, okay?
00:59:20But that's when I knew she loved me.
00:59:22Also, I hit the gym that week.
00:59:23So, a couple weeks go by.
00:59:26We go to the mall together.
00:59:27We're shopping.
00:59:28She's getting perfumed.
00:59:29The perfume salesman is a gay man.
00:59:31He's trying to sell her stuff,
00:59:31but he's also hitting on me.
00:59:33My mom clocks this instantly.
00:59:35He goes to the back.
00:59:36She turns to me.
00:59:36She goes,
00:59:37Jay, is he hitting on you?
00:59:38I'm a good southern boy.
00:59:39I can't lie to my mama.
00:59:40I said, yes, ma'am.
00:59:41She said, well,
00:59:42can you get us a discount?
00:59:46And that's good parenting, okay?
00:59:49People also ask,
00:59:50Jay, what's it like going around the country
00:59:51doing all these silly-ass gay and black jokes?
00:59:54And what they really want to know is,
00:59:55Jay, what's it like to be a black queer man in America?
00:59:57And I'll tell you right now,
00:59:58this is what it's like to be a black queer man in America, okay?
01:00:01As a black queer man,
01:00:03what it means is that sometimes
01:00:04old white women,
01:00:05when they see you,
01:00:06they grab their purse.
01:00:07But then I have to grab mine.
01:00:09And at that point,
01:00:11I'm like, what are we doing?
01:00:13Wait a minute.
01:00:15Barbara?
01:00:16Girl, I got your email.
01:00:18What's up?
01:00:19Oh, my God.
01:00:19Thank you so much, New Orleans.
01:00:21Y'all have been amazing.
01:00:24This has been a dream come true.
01:00:26Thank you so much.
01:00:29Oh!
01:00:30Ooh!
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