00:00The O'Neill's are your typical Irish Catholic family.
00:04Would you like to donate to my charity?
00:06I will take four fleas.
00:08You gotta go high, Father Phil.
00:09Well, I took a vow of poverty.
00:10Does your Lexus know that?
00:13Where Father knows best...
00:14See that hand? It's still texting.
00:16Hey, I got a pleaser!
00:18Who wants ice cream?
00:19Mother knows more.
00:20My husband will have a salmon.
00:22Can't have me and potatoes for every meal.
00:24Not to learn in heaven.
00:25What are you getting, Kenny?
00:26Uh, she usually just orders for me.
00:28I'm gonna let her order for me, too, but then I'm just gonna turn it into whatever I want.
00:31But nobody knows this.
00:33We've been dating for six months, and you've never once pressured me to have sex, which is why I want
00:38to have sex.
00:38Father Phil's downstairs, and he's wearing his collar.
00:41I don't care. I'm half Jewish.
00:43Who else? 48 condoms.
00:4512 didn't seem like enough.
00:47Are you sure you understand how they work?
00:50Come out, Kenny!
00:51Yeah, Kenny. Why don't you come out?
00:53What are you doing in my mirror, shirtless cologne model?
00:56I can't come out. Have you ever met my mom?
00:58She put a statue of the Virgin Mary over the toilet so we'd remember to put the seat down.
01:02That's intense.
01:03You're intense.
01:04I can do this.
01:05You have it on yet? Does it fit?
01:07Nope, can't do this.
01:12Come on, girl. Help me out.
01:16You are in a heap of trouble, young man.
01:18Father Phil was here. In his collar.
01:20I told Mimi that, but she was unmoved by that argument.
01:23Zip it!
01:23I need you to handle this Kenny thing. You know, the way you handle things.
01:26I thought I'd handle it by taking him to a prostitute.
01:29Honey, clearly you're gay.
01:30What? Where are you getting that? What?
01:34Okay, this is a big night.
01:36Everything's going smoothly.
01:37And I sent Kenny and Mimi to work in the nursery.
01:40That'll scare him out of having sex.
01:41This could be us one day. Wouldn't that be awesome?
01:44Now let's put on a movie for the kids.
01:46You know how horny I get when I'm pregnant.
01:49I have to come out.
01:50Yeah.
01:51Now.
01:52Dad, I need to talk to you.
01:53I don't want to have sex with Mimi or any other girl.
01:56Vaginas scare me.
01:57That feeling never goes away.
01:59Thank you for that.
02:00Not sure you understand what I'm saying.
02:02Eileen, what's your 20?
02:03We're having a family meeting.
02:04I understand that talking about real stuff isn't something we do, but we're going to start.
02:08Now, Kenny, this morning you had a very healthy sexual appetite, and now you don't ever want to sleep with
02:13a woman.
02:13Is that something you'd like to talk about?
02:15Not a chance.
02:16Okay, but I'm coming back to you.
02:18And I'll go first.
02:18Pet.
02:19Your mother and I are in therapy.
02:20We've been going every Tuesday night for a year.
02:22Why are you in therapy?
02:23We're getting a divorce.
02:24Come on, who's next?
02:25Somebody.
02:27I'm anorexic.
02:28What?
02:28I haven't sent any of that money to Ethiopia.
02:30What about you, Kenny?
02:32I'm gay.
02:34What?
02:35I think Kenny said he's gay.
02:37Unfortunately, the acoustics in here are amazing.
02:39Do you want this open or closed?
02:40I'll close it.
02:46Keep going!
02:47This is not...
02:51Bishop Perez!
02:52This is my son, Jimmy.
02:53I was hoping you could write him a letter so he could get into Notre Dame.
02:56I have an eating disorder.
02:58Okay, okay, that's enough sharing for tonight.
02:59I stole Marshall Wordman's purse.
03:01All right.
03:01Drive, Pat.
03:02Drive fast.
03:03The Real O'Neills.
03:04Could you donate your tips to poor children in Ethiopia?
03:07Shannon, honey, don't be pushy.
03:09It's her soul that's going to hell if she doesn't give you money.
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