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Short filmTranscript
00:00A man is conducting my Pre-Virginity Pelvic Exam?
00:07I think I just had an orgasm.
00:10Buy lingerie? Check.
00:12Bikini wax? Check.
00:14Get boyfriend? Check.
00:15Just one thing left to do before I lose my virginity at the glorious age of 21.
00:20Stop thinking about dick.
00:21I'm not thinking about dick, okay?
00:23I'm just nervous to lose my virginity to Mr. Big Dick, okay?
00:28Oh, fuck. It's Luke, my favorite customer.
00:32Did he hear?
00:37Okay, don't think about dick, especially not Luke's dick, especially not about Luke's probably really big dick.
00:42Morning, dick.
00:44Double shot of espresso and a mocha frappe with nonfat milk, right?
00:48You're perfect. Thank you.
00:50Right? Isn't Sophie just perfect?
00:53Mike, I'm sorry I didn't know you were coming. I would have got ready.
00:56Oh, don't worry. He's just here for a coffee.
00:59Nah. I'm here to see my girl.
01:08Want coffee?
01:11Right, right. Sorry.
01:22Oh my god. Mikey, don't laugh. We're so mean. Go help your girlfriend.
01:27Alright, alright, alright. I'm sorry. Don't baby trust me. You look great.
01:33My bad, my bad, my bad, my bad.
01:34No.
01:36No.
01:39No.
01:41Come here.
01:42Don't worry about that. I do it all the time.
01:46Let me remake your coffee.
01:54Right, guy. See, it's my girl. My face to wipe. Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.
02:01Oh my god. Look at her throwing herself at the campus doctor like that. She's such a slut.
02:06As if someone as hot as him would want her.
02:08Yeah.
02:09Watch this.
02:11Oh, Mikey! Where did you find someone as cute as Sophie?
02:15Looks like she's not very experienced at grown-up things. Like making coffee.
02:20Or having sex.
02:23Tosh! Oh, come on.
02:25Oh my god! Are we talking to the oldest virgin on campus?
02:29Yes!
02:33So, uh, you're a virgin?
02:38Oh, be careful, Mikey. I think we have a stage five clinger right here.
02:46Brooke, is it? Yeah, you forgot your chlamydia medication at the clinic.
02:50What? I literally don't even know you.
02:52Don't be embarrassed. Look, it's just chlamydia this week, gonorrhea last month.
02:56You should be more careful who you're sleeping with, especially while you're on the medication.
03:00Oh my god.
03:01What?
03:02He-
03:03It was just chlamydia!
03:05Oh, fuck you all!
03:07Sounds like she already did.
03:09Oh, boy.
03:27I-I'm really, really sorry.
03:29I really don't like your boyfriend.
03:31He doesn't like my boyfriend? What does that mean?
03:36Shit, my appointment. I gotta go. Sorry.
03:43Alright, we'll have your birth control ready for you after the doctor administers a routine pelvic exam.
03:48So go ahead and put this on.
03:51Oh, he'll be with you in a moment, sweetie.
03:53He?!
03:58A man is conducting my pre-virginity pelvic exam? This day cannot get any more humiliating.
04:06Good morning, Miss Tisdale.
04:12It's Luke. Luke is a gynecologist? My gynecologist?
04:23Don't worry, I fooled the doctor to be gentle as it's your first time.
04:27Right. My first time.
04:29Miss Tisdale, is it?
04:31Yes. Nice to meet you, Dr. Miller.
04:33Nice to meet me? Pretty sure we've met a couple times already.
04:36Grind me. I mean, the coffee shop. Grind me.
04:41Oh no, he remembers me.
04:44So you are here looking for a prescription for birth control?
04:48Yes.
04:49Bad asshole.
04:51Yes.
04:52I cannot stress it enough that you still need to use a condom if we want to prevent any kind
04:56of unwanted pregnancies, right?
04:58I mean, I'm sure you don't want to get pregnant with that guy.
05:01I will use a condom.
05:04I'd say you shouldn't even sleep with him at all. He's not good for you.
05:07Dr. Miller, I'm not sure that you're-
05:09Nurse, can you grab me a despectrum, please?
05:11Yes, Dr. Miller.
05:13I'd also recommend you don't do anything that you're not ready to do.
05:16I'm ready. I think I'm ready.
05:19Mike's my boyfriend and, yeah, he's kind of an asshole, but he likes me and nobody's ever really liked me,
05:23so...
05:23You know what? I'm sorry that I overstepped the boundaries there.
05:27Uh, let's get started with the breast exam.
05:31Breast exam?
05:32If you're uncomfortable, I can always get a different doctor.
05:35No, it's- I like it. It's fine.
05:41Uh, it's probably easier if you lay back.
05:47It's okay.
05:51It's okay.
05:52Stop thinking about losing your virginity.
05:54Stop it! Stop!
05:57My head's cold.
05:58No, they're perfect.
06:01Stop embarrassing yourself!
06:03There's no way I'm being turned on by my gynecologist.
06:07There are no abnormalities.
06:12Thank you, Luke.
06:14Dr. Miller.
06:16That wasn't so bad.
06:17Sophie, can you put your feet up in the stairs for me?
06:24Okay, yes.
06:25I've fantasized about a hot guy's head in between my legs, but not performing a pap smear.
06:32So, I need you to relax for me.
06:35Alright? You're doing good.
06:38I wonder if this is how he talks women through orgasms.
06:50I'm gonna be inserting a speculum.
06:54You're gonna swab on your surface.
06:56I need you to relax for me.
07:01So, do you like younger women?
07:04I mean, as your students, because you work on campus.
07:07No, my family donated to the clinic a couple years ago, or a while ago actually.
07:14And so, in my great grandfather's honor, I donated a few hours of my time at the clinic.
07:18Oh, duh. Now he thinks, you think he's a creep. Amazing.
07:23Last thing, I'm gonna touch your abdomen just to check on your internal organs.
07:27Alright?
07:30Relax for me. You're doing good.
07:32His finger's literally inside of me.
07:34Oh my gosh.
07:42I think I just had an orgasm.
07:45Did he...
07:48Alright.
07:50He's so noticed.
07:52Oh my god.
07:52Everything looks good.
07:54No abnormalities.
07:55Alright?
07:57Be right back.
08:04Is that a freaking wet spot?
08:10I can never look at that man in the eyes ever again.
08:17Alright, so here's your...
08:23Should I bring it to her to the cafe?
08:26That'd be awkward.
08:28She's my patient.
08:29No.
08:36Mike is gonna come in his pants before he can even get yours off tonight.
08:41You are so graphic.
08:45Speaking of sperm...
08:47I assume your appointment went okay.
08:48You will never believe who my gynecologist was.
08:52Luke.
08:53Are you serious?
08:55You got a finger by the...
08:56I don't talk to you.
08:57Bites coffee from you.
08:58The Luke.
09:00Sophie, you're a freak.
09:02So is he like...
09:04Good with his fingers or...
09:06Shut up, Beverly.
09:08Shit.
09:08He's so sexy.
09:10Maybe I should schedule my pap smear.
09:13Don't worry.
09:14Okay?
09:15Tonight's gonna be amazing.
09:17Okay, Soph?
09:18Promise.
09:19Come on.
09:20Let's get you ready for your good night tonight with Mike.
09:26I hope Mike's worth it, Sophie.
09:31Why do I even care?
09:37Yo!
09:38Ready to fork over a grant tonight?
09:40Is that...
09:41Sophie's boyfriend?
09:46You're not winning any bet tonight, buddy.
09:48You're dating a nun.
09:49She's never gonna let you smash.
09:51I'm calling it.
09:52Dude, she's low-key a slut.
09:55I just can't prove it.
09:58You will soon.
10:01You're gonna film her?
10:02Dude, you're sick.
10:03What if she doesn't let you hit?
10:06Little bit of this...
10:09And she's gonna go feral.
10:12Yo, that $1,500 is mine.
10:15Just keep the cameras rolling.
10:19Don't get involved, Luke.
10:21You're just your customer and doctor.
10:25Hey!
10:26You need to pay!
10:31Fuck!
10:32My eyes!
10:32What the fuck?!
10:33Where's your fucking friend live before I call the cops?
10:38K-K-Ka-Ka-Kailey Avenue, apartment 2.
10:41I need to get to Sophie.
10:49My son is still there.
10:50If you see you, we don't have to do that.
11:00But we don't want to get to see you.
11:07But there's someone in the room.
11:12boyfriend than I did with my frickin' gynecologist.
11:16Nervous?
11:18I'm a little nervous.
11:19Hey, don't be.
11:21You know my cherries I popped.
11:28Wait.
11:28What?
11:30I'm sorry, I forgot to start my birth control.
11:33We're gonna have to wait, I'm sorry Mike.
11:35I can't do this.
11:38Are you kidding me?
11:40I'm sorry, you were not hot enough to blue ball me for another month.
11:43Mike, why would you say something like that?
11:45I'm going home.
11:52Erin's bad.
11:56The hell you are.
11:58Not until I get something.
12:01No, no.
12:05Stop, wait, stop.
12:08Mike.
12:15Who the fuck invited you?
12:20Dr. Miller.
12:22Hey, Sophie.
12:23Hey.
12:24Hey, can you hear me?
12:27Did you take something?
12:28What's up Grandpa and who the fuck invited you?
12:33Listen up, dumbass.
12:35Making her like you is the last good thing that'll ever happen to you.
12:37I go to an Ivy League asshole.
12:39If you want her, you can have her.
12:41I got plenty of pussy to choose from.
12:43What's so funny?
12:44You don't go to an Ivy League school anymore, brother.
12:46Says who?
12:47You ever study at Miller Hall?
12:49Yeah.
12:51I'm Dr. Luke Miller.
12:52My family is the biggest donor to the university since... ever.
12:57That means I got the dean on speed dial.
13:01You just pissed your future away, brother.
13:03Wait.
13:04Wait, wait, wait.
13:05Wait, wait, wait.
13:06No, no, no.
13:06And you can let your buddy Jake know too.
13:09No, no, no.
13:09Please, can we talk about this?
13:11It was just a joke.
13:12Oh, you want to talk?
13:16Hey.
13:18Hey, come on.
13:35She's either really wasted or drugged.
13:37Either way, it's not good.
13:45You stole me from my date?
13:48What gives you the right, you asshole?
13:52I'll talk to you when you're ready to have an adult conversation.
13:56Stop talking to me like you're my dad.
13:57I don't have a daddy fetish.
14:07What else did you have to drink?
14:09I can drink however much I want and sleep with whomever I want to sleep with.
14:14Just because you shoved a speculum up me doesn't mean you can tell me what to do, Dr. Miller.
14:18Don't call me Dr. Miller.
14:19Tell me this.
14:20Why did you prescribe me birth control if you're not even going to let me use it?
14:27I was at the bar.
14:29Alright?
14:30And I saw your boyfriend placing a $1,500 bet that he could take your virginity and record it.
14:41Wow.
14:44I'm an idiot.
14:46No, you're not an idiot.
14:50First, I can get extremely turned on by my gynecologist to the point where I'm orgasming during the exam.
14:57And as if having a fetish for your gyno isn't bad enough, I was going to lose my virginity to
15:02a complete asshole.
15:04I waxed my asshole for that asshole.
15:09Sorry, Soph.
15:16So if you want my virginity, you can have it.
15:34Someone clearly wants me.
15:37Are you hard right now?
15:44We're mid-argument.
15:47That's so wrong.
15:49Be drunk.
15:50I'm taking you home.
15:53What are you doing?
15:54You're drunk.
15:55I'm taking you home.
15:56What?
15:56No, I can't go home.
15:58My roommate's there.
15:59I told her I was going to be at Mike's.
16:00She's probably having sex because she's fuckable unlike me.
16:10We're here.
16:11Here?
16:12Where is here?
16:13My place.
16:15You can stay here for the night, wait until your roommate wakes up and answers the phone.
16:19If you're comfortable.
16:20I want to.
16:22I mean, I'm cool.
16:24I'm cool with that.
16:26But is your girlfriend going to be cool with that?
16:29Smooth, Sophie.
16:32Who says I have a girlfriend?
16:52You're in Dr. Miller's room.
16:53The room you fantasized about doing terrible things in for the past year.
17:08How do you afford to live here alone?
17:11It's huge.
17:13I don't like tight spaces.
17:15Not all tight spaces.
17:17Is he a tease or do I just need to bleach my mind?
17:22Come on, let's get you cleaned up.
17:23You'll feel better afterwards.
17:25Thanks for taking care of me, Doc.
17:30Sorry, I don't think I can unclasp my bra.
17:35I'm happy.
17:38I'm happy.
17:44Thanks for staying.
17:45I'm happy.
17:58I'm happy.
17:59I'm happy.
17:59I'm happy.
18:00You're welcome.
18:08You don't have to look away, Doc.
18:10You've seen way too much of me already.
18:19You know, I don't want you thinking I alert my patients home all the time.
18:23Wait, you mean you don't rescue all of your college girl patients from their evil boyfriend
18:29and draw them a bath in your $2 million home, Dr. Mill?
18:33No, Mrs. Dill.
18:37Then why me? I'm nothing special.
18:40You don't mess up my coffee order.
18:44You're kind to people.
18:47You're beautiful.
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