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00:11Ladies, welcome to the stage, the chatty man himself, it's Alex Harv.
00:31Thank you so much for coming! Listen, listen, we're going to have so much fun tonight.
00:41Lovely, now listen, I've flown all the way from Italy to be here tonight.
00:46Yes, me and, do you watch that show with me and Amanda Holden, will we do it?
00:50Yes! Yes, yes, yes, and people always say to me, are you really friends with Amanda Holden?
00:56And I am, I am. We met on that show, DNA Journeys, did you see it?
01:00Yes!
01:01Well that'll explain the ratings, thanks guys.
01:06So I didn't know whether I wanted to do this DNA journey, and I said to my mum, shall I
01:10do it?
01:11She went, do it, do it, we might be related to royalty.
01:15So in my luck, it'll be Prince Andrew.
01:25So I sent me DNA now for spat in the tube, two days later, I got a very excited phone
01:30call for my TV.
01:31Alan, Alan, you've got an identical twin.
01:36You've got an identical twin, that's gold, innit?
01:39Prime time, ITV, part four, that door opens.
01:42Hello Alan, how you doing?
01:58I said to her, I said, I don't think I've got a twin. I don't feel like I've got a
02:03twin.
02:03Classic TV person. She said, Alan, is there a chance maybe your mum gave the twin away at birth and
02:10never told you?
02:12What did the other one look like? I'm not being funny.
02:19What the hell did that one look like?
02:21Can you imagine that ITV part four?
02:24Hello Alan!
02:30Can we give you both a hug?
02:33I can't see. Can you see my mum giving her twin away at birth? Can you see that?
02:391976 in that maternity ward.
02:41It's alright, I'll keep the gay one with the teeth.
02:54Thank you so much for coming tonight to Regional Trinket because, can I be honest with you, this show is
03:00cursed.
03:01No, it's cursed.
03:03Since I did this show, it's been cancelled, it's been postponed.
03:07My dog died, my marriage collapsed, I've gone through a divorce, this show is cursed.
03:13Even before I wrote the show, it was cursed.
03:16I'm on the train with my laptop, writing the jokes for this show, on the laptop like this, typing away
03:21on the train, like this, typing away.
03:22The man next to me says, can I use the toilet?
03:25And I did that lazy thing.
03:27I didn't get out of my seat. You know me, sometimes you don't.
03:29I just curled into a ball like that.
03:32And as he walked past, his ball bag fell on the keyboard, bang!
03:43Deleted seven pages of jokes.
03:50What's the chances of two testicles pressing Control-Alt-Delete at the same time?
03:55It's cursed.
03:58Cursed.
03:58Cursed.
04:02No, I've had a couple of years, Hackney I have.
04:05Yeah, me dog died, Bev, me beloved Irish setter Bev died.
04:10Last year, I'll never forget it, May the 8th, I'll never forget it, and I don't know if you're, there's
04:14some Londoners here.
04:15Are you, any Londoners in?
04:17Do you remember, it was May, last year, when that Salmonella attack happened.
04:22It happened on, I got Salmonella the same day as my dog died.
04:25Worst day of my life.
04:27Salmonella and had to put Bev down.
04:29And honestly, it was all, I rang up my mum, I said, Bev's gone.
04:33I said, I just don't feel good.
04:35She said, you're grieving.
04:36People grieve in different ways.
04:38I said, what, by shitting yourself?
04:47I remember when the Queen died, I had to wear a nappy, I was like...
04:55Do we have any Germans in?
04:58Good.
04:59Listen, no, no, hear me out.
05:01Hear me out.
05:05No, I've got a German friend, who I love very dearly, but they're too blunt. Aren't they blunt?
05:10They are blunt, aren't they?
05:12Bev died, and you know, I've got two Irish setters.
05:15The first one died, and he said to me, no lie,
05:18why don't you put the other one down as well?
05:28So she won't be sad.
05:32The dog in the box went, what the fuck?
05:34Honestly.
05:38Why don't we just have one big suicide pact and get it all over?
05:41Come on.
05:42Let's all kill ourselves.
05:43Come on, dogs, we're off to Dignitas.
05:44Walk is.
05:46Come on.
05:53Yeah, me marriage collapsed.
05:55He was an alcoholic, drunk, drove.
05:58Ended up in prison.
06:00Did you know that?
06:01I had a prison husband.
06:04Prison husband.
06:05Loved it.
06:06Fucking loved it.
06:08For the first time in me life I had street cred, I had an edge.
06:13The kids in the street were like,
06:14oh, hey, bender.
06:16I'm like, zip it, me husband's inside, I'll cut you.
06:18I'm like, zip it, me husband's inside, I'll cut you.
06:18I'm like, zip it, me husband's inside, I'll cut you.
06:52The thing is, I don't normally talk about my relationship, because when me and Paul got married, we got stitched
06:58up by a journalist.
06:59They said to me, why did you get married?
07:01And it's my own fault, Hackney, I tried to be woke.
07:04I tried to be woke.
07:05I said, listen, you've got anti-LGBT propaganda in Russia, you've got Chechnya putting gays in concentration camps, you've got
07:12Islamic State throwing gays off the top of buildings.
07:14I said, today, I'm choosing love over hate.
07:25Do you see the headline in the paper?
07:27Alan Carr, ISIS got me down the aisle.
07:35That's not what I said, I didn't say it, they twisted it.
07:38They twisted it.
07:40But don't you think the world's getting a little bit nastier, don't you think that?
07:44Look at those people campaigning outside those schools in London and Birmingham, because they're teaching LGBT issues going on.
07:51There's nothing sordid or sinister going on, is there?
07:54It's about love and tolerance.
07:57They're making out all dirty stuff's going on.
07:59Like the kids coming home from school, what have you got tomorrow, Jimmy?
08:02Double bumming.
08:12Being gay isn't catching, is it?
08:14If you became who you hung around with at school, I'd be a fucking dinner lady.
08:27I can't stand people getting bullied because I was bullied at school.
08:31I won't stand for it, I won't hackney.
08:34And I got bullied when I got my first job, I got bullied then.
08:37Every day for two months I got homophobic abuse.
08:39Simply for the fact I was annoying and quite predatory.
08:56But listen, you know, I know we can moan about the divorce and everything, but we were happy in the
09:01early days.
09:02We were in love.
09:03You know when you're young and in love, it happens, doesn't it?
09:05You know, and I sometimes think back to the good old days, you know.
09:08He asked me to marry him on the beautiful island of Lombok, in Indonesia.
09:15Where homosexuality is illegal and you get the death penalty, the fucking idiot.
09:21I could have killed him, I could have killed him.
09:23He got on one knee in this crowded market.
09:25Will you marry me?
09:26Oh no, shut the fuck up, we're all gonna die.
09:34You have a gay wedding over there, the confetti's rocks, do you know what I mean?
09:41They only gave us a double room because they thought he was me carer.
09:51You see, I don't like a drama on holiday, I don't like a drama.
09:54Paul liked a drama, I didn't.
09:56We left Jakarta Airport, I don't know if you've ever been there,
09:59but it's one of those scary airports.
10:01People walking around with machine guns and sticks and all like that.
10:05And everyone stands there scowling at you.
10:08The only way I can describe how they stare at you is,
10:11you know those pensioners who stand behind Fiona Bruce on Antiques Roadshow?
10:34I went through passport control, he said, what's your name?
10:37I said, Alan Carr.
10:38He said, what do you do in England?
10:40I thought, oh God, what's Indonesian for national treasure?
10:52Is it a joke or is it the truth? Is it the joke? I don't know.
10:56I don't know anymore. I don't know anymore.
11:02I suppose I am.
11:05Shut down, you're taking the piss.
11:07Listen, let's fuck that up.
11:14You're only doing it because we're filming.
11:16You don't...
11:21You see, we were very similar but very different.
11:23I would have a mooch round a museum and a gallery.
11:26He didn't like any of that.
11:27I tried to get him involved in things.
11:29Where we lived in London, where we lived together,
11:31it was near the crossrail.
11:33I don't know if you know, but they dug up that Roman graveyard.
11:36And I tried to get, like, Paul interested in it.
11:38I said, oh, Paul, you know, near the crossrail,
11:40they found the body of a female gladiator.
11:42He said, who, Jed?
11:51Yeah, Wolf dug her up. What the...
11:57He only had one love and that was Whitney Houston.
12:00Now, Whitney Houston, one of the best singers in the world.
12:04But I would lie to him.
12:06I would tell him that Whitney Houston had been to certain cultural places
12:09just to get him to go.
12:11I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it.
12:14The only reason I got him into Anne Frank's house
12:16was I told they filmed a bit of the bodyguard there.
12:18Do you know what I'm saying?
12:22And this is how much I was in love.
12:24We went to the Whitney Houston Hologram tour.
12:29Now, did you see the reviews of the Whitney Houston Hologram tour?
12:33Now, I love you so much.
12:34You have supported me through the years.
12:37But some of you do not know what a hologram is.
12:40You really don't.
12:41Did you see the reviews?
12:43One woman said, Whitney didn't have much banter.
12:49That is one of the side effects of death.
12:52You don't really have much to say.
12:57One woman complained that Whitney never waved back at her.
13:00Fucking hell.
13:03That's not waving.
13:04That's the buffering, madam.
13:12So Paul asked me to marry him.
13:14I said yes.
13:17Because all my insecurities came out.
13:19Why does he fancy me?
13:20No one fancies camp people, do they?
13:22No one.
13:24Look, no.
13:24No, you're right.
13:25You're right.
13:26Not even a sympathetic.
13:27No.
13:28No one.
13:29No one fancies.
13:30When I came out of there,
13:31not one of you were thinking,
13:32phew, I wouldn't mind hanging out the back of that.
13:36Not even you.
13:37And you look desperate.
13:47I hate being camp.
13:48It's crap being camp.
13:50Do you know what it's like to walk down the street
13:51and every time you turn around your shadows the teapot?
14:03I started organising the wedding.
14:05I said no to a wedding list.
14:06People get greedy with a wedding list.
14:07Aren't they happening?
14:09Yes.
14:09Do you want the earth, don't they?
14:10Fiona and Roy would like a grand piano.
14:13But Fiona and Roy live in a camera van.
14:15They need to prioritise them.
14:18Some of the shit you get sent when you're getting married.
14:21What arsehole sends a glittering card?
14:23Why would you send a card filled with glitter?
14:25Why would you do that?
14:27Fiona and Roy sent you a card.
14:30Glitter everywhere.
14:32What will you be doing on your big day?
14:35Hoovering.
14:37Hoovering up this gay asbestos.
14:45It's all over my fucking house.
14:47It's on the ceiling.
14:49It's behind me contact lens.
14:52The dogs are licking it up.
14:53I'm walking around the park.
14:54They're shitting out disco balls.
15:00Do you want to know the worst wedding gift I got?
15:02Do you want to know the worst one?
15:04Money off voucher for a hair transplant.
15:09Money off.
15:10Not even the full wig.
15:11Money off.
15:14My friends said to me, oh you get some great hair transplants these days.
15:17You get some shocking ones as well, don't you?
15:20I was in Turkey.
15:21This man's hair transplant.
15:23He looked like he put prick stick on his head and did a forward roll through a cattery.
15:35Just give me flowers, chocolate.
15:37Someone got me an orchid.
15:39I'm very busy.
15:40I don't have time for fun.
15:41Do you have time for an orchid?
15:43I don't want an orchid in the house judging all my other plants.
15:52They're so flaky as well, aren't they?
15:54The orchid turned up.
15:56Ding dong.
15:57Ooh.
15:59Got the orchid.
16:01Put the orchid on the shelf.
16:02Stepped away from the orchid.
16:03The orchid fell off.
16:06I've now got a pot in me window with two sticks going like that.
16:12But can I be honest with you, Acne?
16:14I didn't think people really cared about my wedding.
16:17I don't.
16:18That's how I feel.
16:19That's how I feel.
16:20And I've come to the conclusion no one gives a shit about us gays no more.
16:24Nah.
16:25No.
16:27We're bottom of the fucking pile now.
16:31Pansexual, asexual, bar.
16:32We're out the fucking bottom.
16:34We used to be like exotic birds.
16:39People used to bring us out at parties like Ferrero Rocher.
16:51You turned up at a party.
16:52Release the game.
17:02You turned up at a party.
17:04Isn't it wonderful, though, that you can be whoever you want to be these days?
17:07Isn't it wonderful?
17:10I was non-binary once.
17:12I was.
17:13I'll never forget.
17:13It was a Tuesday.
17:17I used to love motorboating.
17:19Do you remember motorboating?
17:21Yeah, lads.
17:22Do you remember that?
17:23Yeah!
17:24Merero Rocher!
17:27You stick your head in the breast and go.
17:28Do you remember that?
17:32Motorboating.
17:33Yeah.
17:34And I used to do it in the 90s as well when it was dangerous.
17:37Because people had piercings.
17:38Yeah.
17:38Dangerous.
17:40Yeah.
17:40Dangerous.
17:42That's how Gabrielle lost her eye.
17:45True story.
17:46True story.
17:47True story.
17:47True story.
17:48Well, we got married in America.
17:51Yeah, when Trump was president.
17:56I know.
17:57I know.
17:58People had a go at me.
17:59I can't believe you're getting married in Trump's America.
18:02Shame on you.
18:03I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:05I said, if you didn't go to a country because there was an arse soulless lead,
18:08you wouldn't leave the house.
18:09Am I right?
18:10Am I right?
18:12What about that arsehole Putin?
18:15What about that one in Korea?
18:17What's it called?
18:17Kim Dong Un, Im.
18:19What about Im?
18:21Who's that one in Syria?
18:22Looks like Postman Pan.
18:23Assad.
18:24Arsehole.
18:31I love America.
18:32I love America.
18:35I love America.
18:36I love America.
18:36It's so slimming.
18:42Especially when you stand next to those fat fuckers.
18:44Honestly.
18:56Travelodge.
18:56Room 242.
18:57Bring a friend.
19:01The customer service is better in America, innit?
19:04It is.
19:05Whatever you say, it is better.
19:06Honestly.
19:07And can I be honest with you?
19:08I had like a really bad experience late night shopping at a Sainsbury's.
19:12And I'll tell you about it.
19:14It's my own fault.
19:15I went at that weird time.
19:16You know 9.15, 9.20 at night.
19:19Where the normal staff go home, there's a lighting change,
19:21and those people in the tracksuits come out.
19:23Run!
19:28Run!
19:31Run!
19:38And they've always got a cage, haven't they?
19:39Got a fucking cage.
19:45Should you be in that cage?
19:48Have you escaped from the cage?
19:50Run!
19:53Run!
19:54Run!
19:55Run!
19:57Run!
19:58Run!
20:05Run!
20:06Run!
20:06Run!
20:08Run!
20:10Run!
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20:23Run!
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20:25Run!
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20:31Run!
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22:30Run!
22:34Run!
22:35Run!
22:36Run!
22:50Run!
23:05Run!
23:06She said, come up, Alan, darlings, I'm not ready yet, Nan, not ready.
23:10I'm putting on a roll, Nick.
23:13And I know you're not going to like this hackney,
23:16but I didn't invite me family to the wedding.
23:19No, I didn't want them there.
23:21No.
23:22Whenever the cars get together, there's a fight or a riot.
23:26I didn't want them there.
23:27I don't know you're just...
23:27OK, all right.
23:29Do you know what happened at the last car wedding?
23:31Shall I tell you?
23:32There was a fight.
23:33Someone punched my uncle in the face.
23:34His glass, I rolled across the floor.
23:36Someone accused him of upskirting.
23:41Gabrielle took her right out.
23:42They started playing marbles.
23:51I didn't want to invite me family.
23:53And do you know what?
23:54Me friends let me down as well.
23:55Now, we're having a good time, aren't we tonight, hackney?
23:59And I don't want to bring the mood down, but listen, I'll tell you something.
24:02Minan died before the wedding, yeah.
24:05And I know we live in a TikTok generation, and I know everyone's, you know, Twitter and Facebook and stuff,
24:11but I'm old school.
24:12When I tell my best friend that my nan's died, I wanted to jump in the car, come and give
24:16me a hug.
24:17Do you understand that?
24:19I told my best friend, I said, my nan died.
24:22She sent me a text with two emojis.
24:25When my nan died, this is my best friend, a text, two emojis.
24:30A broken heart and a ghost.
24:46Thank you for your sympathy, this is a very tough time.
24:50I said, you're having a laugh, you're having a fucking laugh.
24:52Then she sends me a gif, busy, busy, busy, a cat on a computer.
24:57She could have phoned me, couldn't she?
24:59Finding those gifs take time, don't they?
25:02I once missed a train once, because I was trying to find a gif of a man getting on a
25:05train.
25:09I've had it with me friends.
25:10Me friend Scally Karen, do you remember me friend Scally Karen?
25:14Listen to this hackney, she comes round the house.
25:16Alan, can I use your printer?
25:17I said, of course she can, Scally Karen.
25:21She used the colour ink.
25:25You don't use the colour ink when someone else's house, do you?
25:28It's always black and white and it.
25:31And it was an easy jet boarding pass, you fucking know that top, it's orange.
25:39Why do you think there's a pack of felt-tip pens attached to the top of the printer?
25:42Fucking colour it in.
25:45Save me money, that printer ink's expensive, isn't it?
25:48Why should I go in the jungle so she can have a fucking multicoloured boarding pass?
25:56You'd love to see me in the jungle, wouldn't you, happening?
26:01You'd love to see me eat crocodile cock, wouldn't you?
26:05I am not going on that show, never, never go.
26:08Do you know what?
26:09I'd rather go on Celebrity Naked Attraction.
26:16Don't mention that show, F**k Naked Attraction, honestly.
26:19Oh, grim, isn't it, grim?
26:21Even puts me off cock.
26:37Did you watch the last series?
26:40Batman's Knob, it's like an Allen key, did you see it?
26:44It was like an Allen key, honestly.
26:45It followed you around the room, honestly.
26:47It's like an Allen key, it abandoned it, honestly.
26:52You don't know whether to play with it or get it to tighten your foot on, honestly.
27:09Because I nearly got cancelled.
27:10I think I saw it got cancelled last year.
27:12I don't know if you read in the paper.
27:13I turned up to this very fashionable charity event at the Royal Albert Hall.
27:21Idris Elba was there.
27:23Tom Hardy, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper.
27:27Basically, I was getting an erection for charity.
27:32And this woman came up to me, started talking about global warming.
27:36She said, will you wear this badge?
27:37Well, I popped the badge on, I went on stage, I got photographed.
27:40It was an Extinction Rebellion badge.
27:44I was called Tory Scum, Loony Lefty, Soap Dodger.
27:49Me mum rings up, Allen Allen, it says in the paper, you're an anarchist, you're wearing a badge.
27:53I said, mum, when I worked at Tesco, I wore a badge.
27:56Happy to help.
27:57I wasn't and I didn't.
28:02It's a bloody badge.
28:05And I'm trying my best.
28:06I was the first person to get an electric car in my street.
28:09I got myself an electric car.
28:11Anyone here got an electric car?
28:1497 miles range.
28:16That's what I got.
28:18Honestly, it was so...
28:19I didn't flash the lights or anything.
28:24It's taken the fun out of dogging.
28:25I can tell you that for a while.
28:28I've had to go old school and just wave a saveloy out the window.
28:31Come and get it, boys.
28:35Come and get it, boys.
28:38The car broke down.
28:40I rang up the garage.
28:41The man said, oh, well, you have been driving it at night.
28:45I was like, sorry, yeah, the two tea lights I sellotaped to the bonnet blew out as I went round
28:50the corner.
28:56I mean, Extinction Rebellion.
28:58They want us to live in a world without planes.
29:01I mean, please.
29:02Red arrows are going to look shit, aren't they?
29:0612 grown men with ponytails running round a field.
29:12Coloured smoke coming out their arse.
29:21Listen, I need to bloody fly because of me work.
29:24I do the Italian job with Amanda Olden.
29:26I'll talk about that.
29:28Did you see A League of Their Own?
29:30I do those road tricks.
29:32I also do RuPaul's Drag Race.
29:34Did you watch that?
29:37Well, if you've seen my stand-up before, you know, me and my dad often haven't seen eye to eye
29:41yet.
29:42But now he's got older, he's my biggest fan and he watches everything.
29:47Also, it's really sweet.
29:48And my mum rang up.
29:49She was killing herself laughing.
29:51He came in the kitchen and went, I'm going to watch that RuPaul's Drag Race that Alan's on.
29:57I'm going to support him.
29:59I'm going to watch RuPaul's Drag Race.
30:01She said, he went out.
30:03He came back in five minutes later, white as a sheet, channeling the Churchill dog.
30:07Oh, no, no, no, no.
30:14Oh, no, no, no, no.
30:17There's a man wearing leggings nowhere.
30:20No, no, no, Christine, no.
30:24So let's get back to my wedding.
30:26As a surprise, listen, no, get back to me wedding.
30:29As a surprise, Adele flew us to Vegas to see Celine Dion perform at Caesars Palace.
30:36How amazing is that?
30:37Oh, my God.
30:38Oh, my God.
30:39Yeah, so, so excited.
30:40We'd get there.
30:41And I was a bit pissed off because I was a little bit, you know when you eat and drink
30:44all day on your wedding day and all that, and my suit was a bit tight.
30:48And I was a bit pissed off because in the run-up to the wedding, I'd cut out sugar, fat,
30:52alcohol, even cut the yellow bits out of frazzles.
31:02So I need to get out of this suit.
31:04Like a mirage, I see the Celine Dion merchandise stall.
31:08Oh, my God.
31:08So I run over there.
31:09I get my suit off.
31:10I get my Celine Dion leggings, my Celine Dion t-shirt, my Celine Dion hoodie.
31:14Oh, my Celine Dion cap.
31:19I look shit.
31:21So we're walking along.
31:23Adele's got the ticket.
31:24She's like, come on, boys, come on.
31:26Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
31:33And instead of going left, she goes right through these double doors.
31:37We go in there, bang, the door slammed behind us, four feet away, slowly rotating on a lazy Susan, is
31:43Celine Dion herself.
31:50Congratulations, Paul, I believe congratulations are in order.
31:57Congratulations, Alan and Paul, welcome to Vegas.
32:02You didn't know she was Chinese, did you? No, listen, no! No!
32:06She's very nasal, very nasal, lovely woman, very nasal.
32:11And I know she's not well at the minute, so should we send her some love?
32:16I am the biggest Celine Dion fan, honestly, can you imagine, I'm there, Adele, Celine Dion and me, three icons.
32:28Oh, shut up, shut up, you are taking the fucking bit, now you shut up now.
32:34And I don't know what you're like when you're nervous or when you meet someone you absolutely adore.
32:40I have this weird thing where I start copying people's accents.
32:45Well, you know where this is going, but it didn't make it any less embarrassing.
32:49Honestly, I was there, she said, so?
32:52Who was you, Alan?
32:55Paul, did you ask Alan?
32:58Or Alan, did you ask Paul?
33:02I said, it was me, sonny.
33:12And I don't know if you've ever seen Celine Dion perform on stage, what a performer, have you ever seen
33:16her?
33:17And you know how theatrical with the hand gesture she is on stage?
33:21She's like that in real life, honestly, you would not understand, honestly.
33:24She's like that in real life.
33:26So, see you in other shows when you're in Vegas?
33:36Weather warm enough for why you're here in Vegas?
33:48At one point it looked like she was pulling apart a very rusty deck chair.
33:58Then she saw me top to toe in my Celine Dion merchandise.
34:04Good for you.
34:06Are you enjoying your day?
34:10Good for you.
34:13She thinks I'm fucking simple, she thinks I'm simple.
34:18Good for you.
34:31Then we honeymooned in Mexico.
34:35Didn't get much sleep on the honeymoon night.
34:39That's Mexican food for you.
34:41Oh, don't.
34:42It's coming out both ends, honestly.
34:44It's like a chocolate fountain.
34:46No one wants to see the outline of a turd on a memory phone mattress.
34:50Oh, and then me bloating hadn't gone down.
34:59Me IBS flared up.
35:00I was walking along the street.
35:01I could see the street children following me with sticks, thinking I was a pinata.
35:10Don't get me started on those street kids.
35:12The little shits.
35:13The little shits.
35:15They tell you when you go to these street villagers, don't give them money.
35:19Don't give them money.
35:20Give them sweeties.
35:22Crayons.
35:23Pens.
35:24Papers.
35:25They don't want money.
35:26Have you tried that in real life?
35:27Have you tried that?
35:28You get out of the car.
35:29You go over there.
35:30Peso.
35:31Peso.
35:31Make it rent.
35:32Fat boy.
35:32Make it rent.
35:34I want to see dollar.
35:35Give me dollar.
35:36Give me dollar.
35:37Give me dollar.
35:38Celine.
35:39Celine, she'd followed us.
35:43Give me dollar.
35:47I gave the girl a felt-it pen.
35:49She ripped the top off.
35:50I felt it to me throat.
35:53She was going to colour in my turkey neck.
35:57Don't use all that ink.
35:58I've got a boarding pass.
35:58I don't.
36:04And then they'll tell you to buy all the local knick-knacks and handicrafts.
36:07Don't bother.
36:08Don't bother.
36:08They take the piss out of you, yeah?
36:09I bought a pair of Espadrilles, yeah?
36:12Got them home.
36:13Two pitter bread.
36:16They think you're thick.
36:17They think you're thick.
36:18They think you're thick.
36:20But if you ever go to Mexico, you've got to go.
36:23Honestly, you've got to go.
36:24The people are great.
36:26The food's delicious.
36:27There's so much to see and do.
36:29When I was there, I took Paul to see the lost Inca Temple of Chichen Itza,
36:33where Whitney Houston filmed the I Will Always Love You video.
36:43It's not as snowy as you remember.
36:49So when I got...
36:50Let me have some water.
36:52Fuck me, it's hot.
36:53Is everyone too hot?
36:54How's everyone doing?
36:56Oh my God, honestly.
36:58I don't think if you're this fat, I don't think you should be able to work.
37:00I don't.
37:00I really think.
37:01I've got rice.
37:06Do I look like shit?
37:06Do I look honestly?
37:07Do I look...
37:08Do I need a little touch?
37:10Smashing it!
37:11Smashing it at that furry...
37:12But look, I mean look.
37:16Is that side looking like a Brazilian?
37:22I didn't know what to call myself when I got married,
37:25because partner's a bit formal, innit?
37:28Husband, I can't with this voice.
37:30I can't.
37:32I rang up the call centre and said,
37:33I'm just going to put my husband on.
37:35I could hear him going,
37:36Ah, I knew it was an old woman.
37:41And he's very romantic, Paul.
37:43He likes sharing plates.
37:44She'd go to a restaurant.
37:46You know, let's have a sharing plate.
37:47I'm like, what?
37:49You share me bed.
37:51You share me life.
37:52Now I've got to share me fucking food with you.
37:56I don't know.
37:57I don't know.
37:57Just eat it and regurgitate it back into your mouth.
38:00Organics.
38:02Even on the honeymoon.
38:03Couples massage.
38:05In the same room.
38:07Oh!
38:07If I want to hear him grunting and groaning,
38:09I'll steal a piece of his Whitney Houston jigsaw.
38:13And these couples massages are not even sexy.
38:15They cover you in all this oil,
38:16so you smell like a Glade plug-in.
38:19You have to wear these mesh pants.
38:21It looks like your knob's about to rob a bank.
38:33And then halfway through the marriage,
38:35I found out he's an alcoholic.
38:36I'm not judging him.
38:37I drink too much.
38:38You all drink a bit too much, don't we?
38:41I've had one of those summers, you know,
38:43I've sat there,
38:45rosé after rosé,
38:46slumped on the set,
38:47watching the telly.
38:48You done that?
38:48Yeah.
38:49Drinking rosé all day,
38:50watching that telly.
38:52You know,
38:52when that message comes up on the screen
38:54with the telly,
38:54thinks you're dead.
38:58Press any button on the remote.
39:00Ah!
39:05This is the eighth episode of
39:06Homes Under The Hammer.
39:07Blink if you're in pain.
39:13Have you ever fucking passed out with a drink
39:15and left the heating on?
39:16Ooh.
39:17Wake up in the morning,
39:18you think someone's come in and burgled your gums.
39:22LAUGHTER
39:34But obviously, I like a drink,
39:36and when you live with someone with alcoholism,
39:39you realise you have different relationships
39:41with different drinks.
39:42For me,
39:43beer and lager is my friendly uncle,
39:45tequilas,
39:46my slutty aunt.
39:48Tequilas,
39:48my slutty aunt.
39:49Do you know what I mean?
39:49You have three lagers,
39:50your uncle turns up.
39:51Come on, Alan,
39:52let's go on, come on.
39:53Cross that naked attraction.
39:55Come on, come on, go on.
39:56Go on.
39:57You have three tequilas,
39:58your slutty aunt turns up.
40:00Alan, Alan.
40:01Psst, psst, Alan.
40:05Get your cock out,
40:06it's a christening.
40:13I nearly died from alcohol, I did,
40:15did you know that?
40:16I nearly died, yes.
40:18When I was 18,
40:19I drank a whole bottle of vodka,
40:22passed out wearing a fur-lined hoodie
40:24and a Jack Russell sat on me face,
40:25thinking it was a dog box.
40:29Covered all me air rolls,
40:30honestly, I could have been dead,
40:31could have been dead.
40:32You could be watching a hologram.
40:41But even though we're divorced,
40:43I don't hate me ex,
40:45hatred takes a lot of energy,
40:47doesn't it?
40:47Yeah.
40:48Yeah, I'm not going there,
40:50I'm not going there.
40:51Do you know what he does for a living?
40:52Do you know my ex?
40:52He's a farmer.
40:54And what he does,
40:54he takes animals that are maimed and injured
40:56on the way to the abattoir,
40:58he rescues them,
40:59then he brings them to his farm.
41:02We rescued a dog from the dog meat trade in Korea,
41:05did you know about that?
41:06We rescued a dog,
41:07oh my God,
41:08she's absolutely adorable.
41:09Check her out on my Instagram post,
41:11honestly, she's going to be,
41:12honestly, she is so cute and cuddly,
41:14honestly, she's that small.
41:15Aww,
41:16you'd have to have chips with her.
41:20Or garlic bread,
41:21or you know,
41:22something.
41:24Less of a pet,
41:25more than a mousse bouche,
41:26but you know.
41:28Oh,
41:29I didn't rescue her from Korea,
41:31a fantastic London dog charity rescued her from Korea.
41:34People genuinely thought,
41:36I'd been lowered into Korea,
41:37like Jason Statham.
41:39Give me the fucking dog!
41:42Where's the fucking dog?
41:48Where's the fucking dog?
41:50Give me the fucking dog!
41:55It just turned up,
41:56it didn't,
41:56none of that happened.
41:59So I spent lockdown on a farm,
42:01with my now ex,
42:02it was very weird.
42:04I don't know what your lockdown was like,
42:05and I hate talking about Covid,
42:07because it was just,
42:08such a fucking bore,
42:10weren't it?
42:10And all that,
42:10but,
42:11oh my God,
42:12how unfit am I?
42:14Acting like Jason Statham.
42:17No,
42:17I can't,
42:18come on, come on here.
42:22No,
42:23because lockdown was weird for me.
42:25I started regressing.
42:26I started doing everything I used to do,
42:28as a 13 year old.
42:31Board games,
42:32bird watching,
42:34jigsaws,
42:35masturbating furiously,
42:36dressing up as Wonder Woman.
42:39Sometimes I did all five,
42:41and clap for carers.
42:47No, we rescued a load of animals,
42:49cows,
42:50chickens,
42:51alpacas,
42:52alp-calpacas.
42:53You think you like alpacas,
42:55they are very snooty,
42:57very snooty.
42:57You,
42:57you go into the field,
42:59and you've got no food,
43:00they're like this.
43:05come back in with a bucket of feed,
43:07they're like Paul Burrell,
43:08when someone mentions Diana.
43:18If you like alpacas,
43:20check out this video that went viral during lockdown.
43:22They sent a load of alpacas to an old people's home to cheer them up.
43:25Oh my God, it's piss funny.
43:27Listen.
43:28All the alpacas are on the lawn outside.
43:30There's two old women looking out the window.
43:38The alpacas are like,
43:39is she taking the piss?
43:45I mean,
43:45why would you send a load of alpacas to an old people's home to cheer up?
43:49I know why they use them,
43:50because they're goofy looking,
43:51and you know,
43:52funny looking.
43:53I mean,
43:53you don't want to be 95 at death's store,
43:55and there's a vulture on your window.
43:56Still do.
43:59I want to eat you apple.
44:05But then,
44:05so,
44:06the reason we got divorced,
44:08I can talk about this now.
44:09He loved this horse more than me.
44:11He had this horse called Jack.
44:12Can we talk about Jack?
44:14Do we have any horsey people in?
44:17I don't get why you would ride a horse.
44:19I don't get why you would get on the back of something
44:24that is so jittery and twitchy, honestly.
44:28It'd be like getting a piggyback off Celine Dion.
44:35I had to do some horse riding on a league of their own.
44:38The woman said,
44:38you're going to love your horse.
44:40He's cheeky.
44:41I don't want a horse that's cheeky.
44:43I want a horse that's lethargic, depressed, or stoned.
44:51And we had this weird row,
44:53because he said,
44:53can you get Jack some carrots?
44:55So,
44:55I wanted to get into Jack's good book share.
44:58So,
44:58I went to M&S,
45:00and I got those carrot batons.
45:01Do you know the mini carrot batons?
45:04Well, I turned up.
45:05Oh, my God.
45:06He went mental.
45:07He said,
45:07are you stupid?
45:08He needs a big carrot.
45:10He's a big horse.
45:11Why are you getting him carrot batons?
45:12And I burst into tears.
45:16I don't show him the selection of dips.
45:28And then two weeks before the wedding,
45:30Paul's riding Jack.
45:32Jack throws Paul off,
45:33and he lands on the floor.
45:35I run over there.
45:36I said,
45:37Paul, are you all right?
45:38Jack got spooked.
45:39Spooked?
45:40What by?
45:41A tree.
45:42A tree?
45:43He lives in a field.
45:45How can you be spooked by a tree?
45:47What's it done?
45:48Drumped out dressed as a clown?
45:50Do you like games?
45:54And then,
45:55because he wouldn't tell the horse off,
45:56we had to have a horse whisperer around the farm.
45:58A horse whisperer.
46:00There's a knock on the door.
46:01I open it up.
46:02I said,
46:03who are you?
46:03Horse whisperer.
46:09Horse whisperer.
46:10Horse whisperer.
46:12Horse whisperer.
46:14I said,
46:14have a day off.
46:15Come in.
46:17And then,
46:18he's whispering to Jack in the stable.
46:21I can hear them gossiping.
46:23Carrot and the Tonson.
46:27And I know this horse is throwing me under the bus.
46:29I can see him showing him on a My Little Pony where I touched him.
46:31Liar.
46:37And the thing that pissed me off is, Paul used to name the animals and never tell me.
46:43I'd be sitting in there watching, pointless, head running, Rihanna's dead.
46:53She's been hit by a tractor.
46:55Fucking tractor.
46:56She's been hit by a tractor.
46:57Well, she's not a country in Western now, but...
47:00Whitney's stuck on the electric fence.
47:02Hasn't that woman been through enough?
47:06I bet she's waving now.
47:13And then, during lockdown, we stopped naming the animals during lockdown just in case we had to eat them.
47:22Some of the animals got suspicious, honestly.
47:26Chicken number five, please.
47:31Where are you going, love?
47:33What are you doing?
47:34I've got to go a bit more.
47:35You're right, love?
47:37I saw it, mate.
47:38Don't I have one here?
47:38Oh, there's another one here.
47:39Oh, my God.
47:41I didn't know I had such a straight audience.
47:43All right, mate.
47:46I've got some paint.
47:47I've got some paint.
47:49So, listen, I'd love to chat to you, but I've got to work.
47:52You've got to work, yeah.
47:56You know when you're driving your cab and people press that mute button?
48:00I can't do that now.
48:06OK, listen, let's get out of this sweaty place.
48:10Let me get on with this.
48:11I'm just worried, I'm just worried you're going to drink tequila tonight.
48:14Let me tell you a story.
48:15On my last tour, I had an amazing run of shows in Liverpool and...
48:21Yeah, I love Liverpool.
48:23And so I...
48:25Instead of going back to the hotel, I went,
48:26I'm going to go out partying in one of the best cities in the world.
48:29So, me and my lovely tour manager, we went out and we drank tequila all night.
48:36Well, you might have read in the paper,
48:39he got beaten up and his leg broken with me
48:42in an inner-city Liverpool McDonald's at 4am in the morning.
48:47Can I remember anything?
48:49No, because I was drinking...
48:51Tequila!
48:51Tequila, if I'd had lager, then me uncle would have turned up.
48:55Come on, then.
48:55Get your McFlurry.
48:56Come on, let's go.
48:57Come on.
48:58No, me slutty aunt turned up, didn't she?
49:02Alan, Alan.
49:03Psst, psst.
49:07You want filly of fish?
49:08Smell me thing.
49:13You're disgusting.
49:15You're disgusting.
49:16You're disgusting.
49:29You're disgusting.
49:30Statement?
49:32Oh my God, I need the statement.
49:35I was waiting in the queue for me chicken McNuggets
49:40when I saw me tour manager getting beaten up.
49:43I didn't go to hell because I was starving.
49:46I didn't go to hell because I was starving.
49:52And didn't want to lose me place in the queue.
49:57And the Pride of Britain award goes to...
50:00So he sues McDonald's, rightfully so.
50:04It goes to court.
50:05They play the CCTV footage.
50:07Oh my God.
50:09He's laying on the floor.
50:11I'm posting McNuggets into his mouth.
50:17And as he's put in the back of the ambulance,
50:20I'm waving him off like he's been a contestant on Family Fortune.
50:31And you know when you're so twatted, I started dancing to the siren.
50:39Please don't drink tequila tonight.
50:42Please!
50:43They say, they say,
50:45if you drink tequila all night,
50:47no hangover again,
50:48no hangover,
50:48no memory,
50:49no teeth,
50:50no bail,
50:50no French,
50:52no pulse.
50:53Don't do it.
50:54Thank you Hackney.
50:55Take care.
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