- 12 hours ago
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00:01We appreciate you taking the time to sit down with us.
00:03I'm going to be honest with you.
00:04I'm just here to pick up my morning cinnamon bun.
00:06Actually, we requested this meeting because we want you to purchase some...
00:09No.
00:09Let me finish.
00:11Damn.
00:12We'd like you to purchase some floor mats.
00:13We stand all day making 600 lunches.
00:16You ever see my gate?
00:17It is off.
00:18Mr. Coleman, you're turned off for a rebuttal.
00:21Now, why are you here?
00:22I'm an experienced mediator, head of a ball, body of a man.
00:25That's a minotaur, not a mediator.
00:27So that's your position?
00:28Kitchen Stab, Ketterie Butt, you don't know these bunions.
00:31Look, my heels have never come within three inches of this school floor.
00:35So if I can do that, I'm sure y'all will be totally fine.
00:38Nothing else?
00:39No further comments?
00:41That's how it's done.
00:43Now it's time to focus on my next big mediation,
00:46brokering peace in the Middle West.
00:47That's what I call a dispute between Michigan and Ohio State.
01:04I got rain in places you're not supposed to have rain in.
01:08Talk about my pockets.
01:10Holy moly, it just started boring out there.
01:13Seriously.
01:15Oh, Barb, your hair is...
01:16What?
01:17Not something I should be commenting on.
01:19Oh, God.
01:22Where should I set up?
01:23Set up for what?
01:25For picture day.
01:28Ava.
01:29Janine.
01:29Ava.
01:30Janine.
01:31Ava, this man says he's here for picture day?
01:33Okay, well, who the hell is he?
01:34The photographer.
01:36Oh, damn.
01:38Ava, how could you forget to inform us about this?
01:40I forget so many things all the time,
01:42and it just falls through the cracks and then it's fine.
01:45Oh, let's see.
01:46I've forgotten to hand out paychecks,
01:48which, victimless crime,
01:50teachers' birthdays.
01:51Who cares?
01:52Oh, and I forgot to follow through on the HVAC fixes
01:54at the start of the year.
01:56But everybody grew a lot from that.
01:58So you're welcome.
02:00Okay, there is no way that we're gonna make
02:02a bunch of soaking wet kids presentable in time for this.
02:04Yeah.
02:04Could you please come back another day?
02:07Oh, yeah.
02:08That's what you guys asked me back in September?
02:10And now, here I am.
02:12This is it.
02:13Today or nothing.
02:17Well, looks like we have no choice except to make it work.
02:21So, everybody, grab your hair ties, your ballies,
02:24your Vaseline, and let's snap to it.
02:27All right.
02:28Oh, love that.
02:29It's great.
02:30Oh, soap.
02:32Oh.
02:33Oh.
02:34Oh, well, spin around a few times.
02:36Maybe that'll help.
02:38No, I think that's just gonna make him dizzy and not even drip dry.
02:42All right.
02:42What was the thought?
02:43You okay?
02:45There we go.
02:46Oh, Lord.
02:47The rain really did a number on these children.
02:50Jesus be a glam squad.
02:51Yes.
02:51What we need Jesus to do is to turn water into...
02:54Well, not water.
02:56Miss Ting, why are we even doing this?
03:01Yeah, we don't want to do picture day.
03:03What?
03:04No, guys.
03:05Picture day is great.
03:06It's a day that we celebrate who you are in this moment.
03:09And this singular photo will be a memory that lasts a lifetime.
03:14Boo!
03:16I gotta get the rest of the primary grades done before lunch.
03:19So, let's just knock out your teacher pictures now.
03:21Huh?
03:21No, wait, wait.
03:22Now, I thought that I would have some time, you know, to get myself together.
03:26Yeah, and I thought I'd have a chance to really do something to make this outfit pop.
03:29You know, I was thinking doing something like this.
03:32Like, is this...
03:33Yeah.
03:33No.
03:34You guys look...
03:38Aw, let's just take the picture, huh?
03:40Let's get her done.
03:42Larry the cable guy.
03:43Just one second.
03:45Smile.
03:46Hey, so, um, I didn't have time to practice my smile.
03:49You practice your smile?
03:51Never learned how to smile on demand.
03:53You're my boyfriend.
03:54How did I not know this about you?
03:55I hide it really well.
03:57Oh.
03:57Um, how's this?
03:58Okay.
04:02Oh, that...
04:03Oh, don't show me.
04:04Yikes.
04:05Um, that is good.
04:08Right?
04:08Yes.
04:09Yeah.
04:09I remember Tyra said this in the eyes.
04:11I'm so happy we benched our model.
04:13Okay.
04:13I'll do that.
04:14Okay.
04:17Ooh, maybe a little less, Gregory.
04:20Much less.
04:21You wanna sit down?
04:23Gregory?
04:24That's a choice.
04:25Cut it out.
04:26Oh, how did your class's picture day go?
04:28I think we got them halfway presentable.
04:31Meaning we were only able to draw the top half of the kids so they will be mermaiding it for
04:34the rest of the day.
04:35Oh, whatever.
04:37You're supposed to look awkward on picture day.
04:39It's a canon event.
04:40Well, that way it'll be nice.
04:41The day we got rained out on picture day, but at least we did it together.
04:44Lay out the area.
04:45I'm making a scene, y'all.
04:47You changed?
04:48Don't be mad at me, because you wear the same outfit every day like a cartoon character.
05:21No, I don't.
05:21You're not the Joe's.
05:22Our kids take pictures after lunch.
05:24Yeah, I can't have them all sloppy Joe's.
05:26They don't have the hand-eye coordination to pull off a clean Joe.
05:28Yeah.
05:28Why would they serve that today?
05:32Uh, Ava?
05:33Why are they staring at you like that?
05:35Ooh, they playing dirty.
05:38Before you can work in this kitchen, there's two books you need to read.
05:41The Joy of Cooking and The Art of War.
05:43Yeah.
05:44So I came up with a plan to utilize the leverage we have.
05:47I got that idea from The Art of War.
05:49Never made it to The Joy of Cooking.
05:50You netheads trying to sabotage picture day by serving sloppy Joe's.
05:53I don't think you could say that.
05:55What, netheads or sloppy Joe's?
05:56Just give us the mats.
05:57And the kids don't get sloppy, Joe.
06:00Okay.
06:01Hold on.
06:02Here's the situation.
06:04Roll over.
06:05You're dead.
06:05They won.
06:05Now, don't you do not let them ruin picture day with their collective action.
06:09Oh, my God.
06:10What am I?
06:10Oh, what?
06:11So I cave on the mats and what's next?
06:12Non-slip cloths for an entire kitchen staff?
06:14Yeah, but do you really want to deal with the parents again when the kids bring home
06:16photos with tomato sauce splattered all over their shirts?
06:19Hey, we use ketchup.
06:22You sons of bitches.
06:28Ugh, fine.
06:30You can have your stupid floor mats.
06:31Wait, really?
06:32Yeah, now get this slop out of here.
06:33When do you think you cave so soon?
06:35So we don't have a backup lunch?
06:38Then no deal.
06:39Then no deal.
06:39We could just serve them buns.
06:42I mean, maybe it'll be fine.
06:44These are the older kids we're talking about.
06:46Yeah.
06:50I think I have some red lobster bibs in my purse.
06:53Yeah, I think I got a Tide pen for that kid.
06:56Y'all better hurry the hell up.
06:57It's picture day.
06:59Um...
07:00Great.
07:03Okay, Mr. Hillsclass, you're up.
07:05Okay, guys.
07:06Richie, you're up.
07:15What's wrong with him?
07:16Is it the stain?
07:17Nothing's wrong with him.
07:18He's having a great day.
07:19Okay.
07:21Next up.
07:28Chloe.
07:29Smile.
07:30I don't want to.
07:33Next up.
07:35Alright, someone else, please.
07:42Okay, stop.
07:43Hold it.
07:43Halt.
07:43We need to retake all of those.
07:45They need to smile.
07:46Nobody smiles in pictures anymore.
07:48What?
07:49What?
07:49What do you mean?
07:50It's so fake.
07:52Okay, but it's cool pictures, guys.
07:54You're supposed to smile.
07:55Aren't you always telling us the question of things we're supposed to do?
07:59Yeah, but that's when you're fighting oppression.
08:02White men telling me what to do.
08:03Feels like oppression to me.
08:05Okay, you guys are gonna want nice pictures for future TBTs.
08:09Because I assume that will come back around again.
08:12Smiling is for the oppressors.
08:14None of the people you teach us about are smiling in their photos.
08:17I don't remember Martin Luther King Jr. choosing in pictures.
08:19Yeah, he said, I have a dream.
08:22Not I have a smile.
08:23Well, maybe Dr. King frowned so that you can smile.
08:27I'm gonna tell my mom you said that.
08:29Please don't.
08:30Just take a picture.
08:31Yeah.
08:32Here you go.
08:33Yeah.
08:36Oh, no.
08:37Our photos are up.
08:39Oh, let's go take a look.
08:40Okay, that was a rough day last week.
08:42Buckle up.
08:43Well, maybe it won't be that bad.
08:46Oh, my God.
08:47Look at her.
08:48No, that's what she wants us to do.
08:50Wow.
08:51Talk about a portrait of a lady on fire.
08:54Oh, my God.
08:55The one day I wear a bland top.
08:57Oh, laundry day.
08:58Am I doing the Anthony Mackie smile?
08:59I'm wearing my mascara's blush.
09:02That's great.
09:05Oh, um, Barbara?
09:08Yes, sweetheart?
09:10Why do you look so amazing?
09:12Born that way, dear.
09:14Born awfully smooth.
09:18Y'all look tired as hell.
09:20Except for Barbara, who seems to be aging backwards.
09:23Y'all need to step your game up.
09:25Hmm.
09:30Barb, what the hell?
09:32You look flawless.
09:34Why, thank you.
09:35Brought to you by deep sleep and lots of water.
09:38I have known you for six years, and I have never seen you drink water once.
09:41Yeah, Barb.
09:41We all look particularly rough that day, and that roughness is not reflected in your photo.
09:46Well, what do you want me to say?
09:47The truth.
09:48As somebody who takes hydration very seriously, 64 ounce club, I can attest that it doesn't
09:53result in a soft focus filter.
09:55Yeah, or a vignette border.
09:57Or an added sparkle in your eye.
09:58Okay, fine.
09:59Taylor just happens to be quite gifted at photo airbrushing on a phone app called Mirage
10:06Your Visage.
10:08So she put my photo through it, and that being said, she hardly did a thing.
10:13Fixed a fly away, simple stuff.
10:15Come on, Barb.
10:17Your hair was, like, not for me to comment on.
10:20Exactly.
10:21Now, if you will excuse me.
10:28Okay, she's being ridiculous, right?
10:30Yes, yes.
10:30Because we don't need to put our photos through some ebb.
10:33It's fine.
10:33It's not a big deal.
10:35Exactly.
10:35And who cares about these photos anyway?
10:37Yeah.
10:38Yes.
10:38If anything, doing all that makes it look silly.
10:39Yeah, I mean, come on.
10:41She's backlit, for God's sake.
10:44Oh, Barb.
10:45Barbity, Barb, Barb, Barb.
10:47Silly.
10:50Morning.
10:50Morning.
10:51Now that you've got your mats, I expect there will be a little extra glaze on my cinnamon
10:55buds.
10:55Of course.
10:56Hey, Wendell, do we have that principal special ready?
10:58I most certainly do.
11:02Make it yourself.
11:04Bone appetites.
11:07So, you gonna eat that or not?
11:10I don't know what the hell that was about.
11:12Kitchen crew must be a little raw after our negotiations.
11:14I'll give them a day.
11:15Hell, I'll give them a day and a half.
11:16That's just the type of tyrant that I am.
11:19Off.
11:21Wearing that when she runs fashion club is crazy.
11:24Yeah.
11:24I'm embarrassed for that.
11:25Yeah, I heard those who can't do, teach.
11:27Oh, I can do.
11:29Yeah.
11:30Would've done something whimsical with the shoulders, had I known.
11:32Yeah, she dresses great, y'all.
11:34Alright, we just didn't know.
11:35Yeah.
11:35What's your excuse, Mr. Eddie?
11:36First time trying to smile?
11:40Wouldn't be my first time giving somebody detention, I'll tell you that.
11:45Whoa, I look dope.
11:47Same.
11:48Didn't one of you teachers start a marlin club?
11:50Because I think I just ended it.
11:52Ooh.
11:53Okay, you guys do not look dope.
11:54You look mad.
11:55Oh, so our neutral face looks like anger to you?
11:58What? No.
11:59Wow. No.
12:00You're hitting a microaggression record this month, Mr. C.
12:03Okay, I am not. And stop the count.
12:05No, not like that.
12:07Uh, guys, smiling in photos is nice, okay?
12:10It's sweet, and it's a signal to the world that you're...
12:14Dad, you have food in your teeth.
12:15Your smile has more spinach than teeth.
12:17That's impossible.
12:18I didn't even have spinach that day, okay?
12:20I had an arugula salad.
12:24It's worse than they said.
12:26How did I not see that earlier?
12:28And why did nobody mention it?
12:29Rude.
12:30Arugula.
12:31Okay, look at mine.
12:32I feel like the eyes are following me.
12:34Are they freaking following me?
12:36It's so annoying that we have to have these up here.
12:38Yeah, but come on, who cares?
12:39It's not like the kids could respect you any less.
12:41So, one time, they threw ketchup packets at him
12:44because they said he looked like a Frenchman.
12:47Dipped in ketchup.
12:51Because he freaking does, okay?
12:54So, they threw ketchup packets at him,
12:58and bam!
12:59One hits him, like, bam!
13:00Right in the face, right?
13:01And it just busts open.
13:03Ketchup everywhere.
13:04The kid really had to whip it
13:06because they don't just bust open like that.
13:08I can't get out of canon.
13:11Bam!
13:14Hold on.
13:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
13:16She...
13:18She photoshopped herself a new shirt.
13:20Yup.
13:21I would have remembered those shoulder pads.
13:24First Barbara, now Janine.
13:25I'm looking like a mighty duck.
13:28Mm.
13:29Hey, Barb.
13:30Listen, I got this cousin, Frankie Boy's ugliest sin, right?
13:33He fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down.
13:36He walks to the moon, babies start crying.
13:37Anyway, he's trying to get back on the dating apps
13:39and fix his pictures.
13:40I told him he looked fine.
13:41I was lying.
13:42So, anyway, I vaguely remember that you had this app.
13:45I don't know.
13:45Maybe I'm making it up in my head to fix pictures.
13:48Again, this isn't for me.
13:49It's for Frankie Fudge.
13:50Melissa, would you like to fix your photo?
13:52I would.
13:53It's called Mirage Your Visage.
13:56You can find it on your application store
13:58if you know your password.
13:59I know my password.
14:00Oh, well, good for you, because I sure didn't.
14:02Mm-mm.
14:03Did I add too many gaps to her teeth, or is it hilarious?
14:06Hilarious?
14:06She looks crazy.
14:09Are we making fun today, photos?
14:11Wait, I wrote some down.
14:12Janine's shoulders are so dumb, she should...
14:15Sup, y'all?
14:16I'm Principal Buttface.
14:18Well, I'll be.
14:19I knew a Charlie Buttface in dental school.
14:21Any relation?
14:24Clean it off.
14:30Okay, first off, I think I looked great,
14:32and if it's universally liked, then it's not fashion.
14:35But everyone else was feeling insecure,
14:37which made me feel insecure.
14:39So I switched it.
14:40Again.
14:42Of course, I mean the way that you...
14:44Hey!
14:45What do you think you're doing?
14:46I was dusting.
14:48What the, freckle?
14:49Look, I just got rid of the circles under my eyes, and...
14:53and my cheeks are feeling a little naked, so I added a bit obsessed.
14:56Janine, you are better than this, come on.
14:59Uh, are you better than this?
15:00All of a sudden, you got a smoke eye.
15:02Smokey eye.
15:02That's what I said, smoke eye.
15:03Smokey eye.
15:04You changed your picture, too!
15:05Or do your cheekbones just photograph higher?
15:08Look at this guy.
15:09What, all of a sudden you flossed?
15:11I just restored how I naturally look, okay?
15:13Those are my real-life, bare-naked teeth.
15:15I didn't do what you and SZA did.
15:17Uh, excuse me.
15:18Your teeth have never been that way.
15:20What?
15:20Your mouth could guide ships in from a storm.
15:23Y'all, this is getting out of hand.
15:24Don't pretend like you didn't do anything.
15:25You obviously made your ears bigger.
15:27I didn't.
15:28Your eyes.
15:29You fixed them to make them the same size.
15:31What's wrong with my eyes?
15:32I fixed my smile.
15:33Ah!
15:33Oh, come on, Gregory.
15:34That is still barely a smirk.
15:37And what ever happened to embracing natural beauty
15:41and enhancing what God gave you?
15:44Excuse me.
15:44You started it, Barb.
15:45I mean, you're a simple shepherd in mine.
15:48Like Vaseline.
15:49Like you opened the entire picture.
15:51Dolphin's movement.
15:51Dolphin's movement.
15:52Hank, all of our teachers look bad.
15:54Shane, you couldn't just stick with a real photo like I did.
15:57Did you guys get pranked?
15:59No, we did not get pranked, okay?
16:01We did some light retouching.
16:03Because we had been through so much that morning.
16:06That's right.
16:07Rough day.
16:08I don't like the way I look.
16:10Should I change mine too, Miss Teeks?
16:12Oh, my baby.
16:21I want to say something unpopular.
16:23When do you not?
16:25I think we should put back our original photos.
16:27What?
16:27Why?
16:28I know.
16:28You should die.
16:29What would putting a terrible picture back up of yourself do?
16:33Hey, I look great from the nose up.
16:35Yeah, but they know we've already changed the photographs.
16:37They can't unsee the old ones.
16:39Right, but what are we teaching them?
16:41To be proactive.
16:43To problem solve.
16:44Hmm.
16:45The looks of everything, and the sooner they learn that, the better.
16:47No, we're teaching them that they should be constantly chasing perfection, and that is an endless pursuit.
16:52You better speak for yourself.
16:54I'm a dying piece.
16:55No, she's right.
16:56We can't teach them that the way they look will never be good enough.
16:59Oh, okay.
17:00To be clear, I do think I look good enough.
17:02It's just the picture that's soft.
17:04I think we need to show them that you can be happy with how you look.
17:08Well, I think we've already burned that bridge.
17:11Well, we did with those photos.
17:20He's stalling until he can think of something.
17:23He's right.
17:24But I've got it now.
17:27Hey!
17:28Did y'all take the sugar out of the teacher's lounge?
17:30Food stuff does fall under our jurisdiction.
17:33Okay.
17:33I've had enough.
17:35I let you throw your little temper tantrum.
17:36I let you deface my photo.
17:38And I've bought you a little dumb standing mat.
17:40So what's your deal now?
17:41You think it's all good because of the mats?
17:44It's bigger than that.
17:45You don't respect us.
17:46This is a school.
17:47We're all disrespected.
17:48Maybe by the kids.
17:49And by the district.
17:50And our own families.
17:51But by our co-workers.
17:53I thought we was in this together.
17:55Yep.
17:55For some reason, the cafeteria staff is never included in picture day.
17:59Why would you get your picture taken?
18:00We don't include you in the yearbook.
18:02I'm gonna kill her.
18:04Y'all think we just back here microwaving nuggets?
18:06But every day, I make special gluten-free and dairy-free meals for the kids with allergies.
18:10We are the first people in this school making breakfast for these children.
18:13We care about them just as much as their teachers do.
18:16And it'd be nice if you guys would notice that.
18:20I get it.
18:23Got your name.
18:24Window.
18:26I know.
18:27You think I don't know his name.
18:29Thank you, Randall.
18:31Look, no one is more underappreciated than me, so I get it.
18:35I'm not gonna buy them anything else, but that was a pretty low lift.
18:38Also, they were getting way too close to realizing their power.
18:41And I can't have that.
18:43Aw, look at that.
18:44Oh, Miss Seeks.
18:45That outfit looks fantastic.
18:47Yeah, very bring it on, but also very you.
18:50That's the best compliment I've ever gotten.
18:52That means a lot coming from you two.
18:53Aw.
18:53I think you look adorable.
18:55Mm, me.
18:55Look at your cute little face.
18:57Nah.
18:58My eye's pretty cute.
18:59Mm-hmm.
19:00Mrs. Howard, is that you?
19:01Why, yes it is.
19:04But how?
19:05Oh, thank you very much.
19:07You are absolutely precious.
19:09Aw, thank you.
19:10And look at you.
19:11You look so cool.
19:12Yeah, cause I was.
19:13Never had an awkward face.
19:15Make some room, y'all.
19:19Oh, what is this now?
19:21Looks like a couple of Bon Appetit models to me.
19:24So you hired a fancy photographer for the kitchen staff,
19:26but you won't hire one for us teachers?
19:29Well, if you helped out the students,
19:30even a fraction of the amount that the kitchen staff does,
19:33and brought me my morning cinnamon buns,
19:34I might have considered.
19:39All right, go ahead.
19:40Let me have it.
19:42Hey, Mr. C.
19:43You didn't tell us you were Millie Bobby Brown's son.
19:46Yeah.
19:47The whole school line can be upside down.
19:49Gotcha!
19:50See?
19:51I knew you could smile for a photo.
19:52I am going to frame this and hang it in the classroom!
20:00So what do you want to do later?
20:02What's wrong with my ears?
20:03What?
20:04The picture they...
20:05The picture everyone was saying that there was...
20:07No, no, no, no.
20:08Listen to me.
20:08Your ears are perfect, okay?
20:11People wish they had your ears.
20:13Who?
20:15Alfred E. Newman.
20:16What class is he in?
20:18He...
20:18Never mind.
20:19And my smile?
20:21That could use some work.
20:23I'm not going to lie to you.
20:23But maybe we can practice, okay?
20:26Look, let me take a picture of you.
20:28We can practice with taking pictures.
20:30Okay.
20:31Okay.
20:32So...
20:32Say cheese.
20:34Cheese like cheese.
20:38You gotta smile from your diaphragm.
20:40Trust me.
20:42You gotta start way down here.
20:50It's worth a try.
21:03That was amazing.
21:05Yeah?
21:05Wow!
21:06Yeah!
21:07Now we just need to do something about those ears.
21:10Are they big or are they small?
21:12Let's put it this way.
21:14Either Paul Stanley or David Letterman would be really jealous of you.
21:17You listen to Kiss?
21:19Sometimes.
21:21Okay.
21:22Rad.
21:24Delicious.
21:25Function.
21:26Cheers.
21:27Cheers.
21:28Cheers.
21:28Cheers.
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