- 3 hours ago
Sally ghostwrites an advice column under the pseudonym Mr. Know It All and submits a sketch of a handsome stranger as the image, but she doesn't realize that the face is that of a hit man, who plans to kill the columnist to protect his identity..
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:02This is the comeback story of all time.
00:00:08Our guest has the number one movie out.
00:00:11Your album is coming out next week.
00:00:13You've won an Oscar, a Grammy, a Tony, an Emmy.
00:00:18You're getting a Nobel Peace Prize for the work you've done in the Middle East.
00:00:25Your charity, Save the Whales and Trees While Feeding the Children,
00:00:29is changing the world as we know it.
00:00:32I guess life is good.
00:00:35It hasn't always been that way, has it?
00:00:40I don't hold it against you to bring it up. Let me start with that.
00:00:43It's my job.
00:00:46I was a man that seemed to have everything, and yet I had nothing.
00:00:54What changed?
00:00:55You wouldn't believe it.
00:00:56Try me. All right.
00:01:01Rock bottom, that's where I was.
00:01:03I had nowhere to go.
00:01:07I had naked women beating me with baseball bats just for kicks.
00:01:15It wasn't until I wrote away to this little advice column in a newspaper.
00:01:21I wrote to a man named Mr. Know-It-All.
00:01:27And his advice guided me and helped me to find my way, to find my way to a better place.
00:01:33He actually brought me to where I am now.
00:01:38Who is Mr. Know-It-All?
00:01:40He's an enigma.
00:01:40Who is Mr. Know-It-All?
00:01:44Who is Mr. Know-It-All?
00:01:50Who is Mr. Know-It-All?
00:02:16There are people that live fun, exciting lives, and then there are people like me.
00:02:24It's not because I'm boring, well I am boring, but I don't need excitement in my life.
00:02:29I think it's overrated.
00:02:32I just see life like it is.
00:02:34People ask me, is the cup half full, or is it half empty, I just say, hey, be happy you've
00:02:40got a cup.
00:02:46Have I always been like this?
00:02:48I think there's a point in every kid's life where they hear or see something and go, what
00:02:53the?
00:02:54Things are going great.
00:02:56Life is great, and then...
00:03:06For my friend Patty, it was my ninth birthday party.
00:03:09But that bubble bursting moment, it is different for everyone.
00:03:13Goldie has been sleeping for a really long time.
00:03:20For me, it was when I heard the story of the monkey paw.
00:03:26I mean, you guys know that story, right?
00:03:28Guy goes into a pawn shop, tries to buy an evil monkey paw.
00:03:31Why would anyone want this ugly thing?
00:03:34It grates the owner three wishes.
00:03:37I'll take it.
00:03:39But the owner won't sell, says it's too evil.
00:03:43So the guy steals it and brings it home for his wife.
00:03:47The wife is thrilled to get three wishes.
00:03:50Even though the guy warns her that the monkey paw is evil, the wife wishes for a hundred dollars.
00:03:54Suddenly, the telephone rings and they're informed their son is dead, mangled to bits in some construction
00:04:01accident.
00:04:02But the good news is they get a hundred dollars from the company.
00:04:06The wife is totally distraught and wishes that the son was alive again.
00:04:12Suddenly, they hear a tapping noise coming from the front door, but the husband realizes that
00:04:17if the son was alive again, he would be this mangled, tormented mess.
00:04:24Oh, my dear God.
00:04:26So the husband uses a third wish to wish that his son was dead again.
00:04:31So in the end, all they get is a hundred bucks and a dead son.
00:04:36And the moral of the story is, is, be careful what you wish for.
00:04:43What the?
00:04:46What kind of a children's bedtime story is that?
00:04:48I freaked out.
00:04:49I started to remember stuff I'd wished for.
00:04:52I wish I didn't have to go to piano lessons.
00:04:55That day, there was a fire in my dad's dry cleaning business.
00:04:58And since my dad didn't have insurance, it wiped us out financially.
00:05:03So, hey, no more piano lessons.
00:05:08And the time I wished for a puppy?
00:05:15Well, my dad left us to live with his new girlfriend, but the condo they were living
00:05:19in wouldn't take her dog.
00:05:22My dad's girlfriend's used puppy.
00:05:26That's my girl.
00:05:28Crap.
00:05:29It all made sense now.
00:05:31After the monkey paw, my bubble burst.
00:05:34Careful what you wish for was my mantra.
00:05:37Make a wish, sweetie.
00:05:38I don't waste my time with hopes or wishes.
00:05:40I deal in facts.
00:05:42Aren't you gonna make a wish?
00:05:43Mostly useless.
00:05:45But over the years, that useless knowledge has come in handy for my day job.
00:05:49My not forever job.
00:05:51Because I write books.
00:05:53Actually, I write book.
00:05:54But I plan on writing a second one once my first one is published.
00:05:58But for now, I write a newspaper column.
00:06:01Ask Mr. Know-It-All.
00:06:03How many hairs on a human head?
00:06:08Well, that depends.
00:06:10Is it a blonde, brunette, or a redhead?
00:06:18Overall, I am happy to have things just the way they are.
00:06:22No changes, no surprises.
00:06:31Hi, Sal.
00:06:32It's Patty.
00:06:33Girl, we are famous!
00:06:38What's the...
00:06:39It's great news!
00:06:41I-I don't want great news.
00:06:42I mean, how do we go from obscurity to this?
00:06:46You're not lying to me, are you?
00:06:47I would never lie to you.
00:06:49Mmm, wait.
00:06:50Actually, scratch that.
00:06:51I'll just send you the YouTube link.
00:06:53It'll explain everything.
00:06:56Rock bottom.
00:06:57That's right.
00:06:57You wrote to a newspaper columnist.
00:07:00Very simple.
00:07:00And this person...
00:07:00Like most answers.
00:07:02Who is this Mr. Know-It-All?
00:07:04I just don't know.
00:07:05Mr. Know-It-All writes for a newspaper.
00:07:07He's a simple man, I'm sure, because the answers are things that are right in front of us.
00:07:11And yet, to people are simply all spiritual leaders.
00:07:16We all need to reach out.
00:07:22I just assumed, if I were to turn your name, my passport was so valid, that it would be okay.
00:07:26You have to have three months left on it.
00:07:28Did you know that before Mr. Know-It-All's column?
00:07:30Well, no, but...
00:07:31The time to discipline your kids is not when you're angry.
00:07:34Discipline them when you're calm.
00:07:35I know, it sounds so simple.
00:07:37But if it wasn't for Mr. Know-It-All, I would have kept on with the ineffectual...
00:07:42...damaging screaming matches.
00:07:43Mr. Know-It-All said it's perfectly fine.
00:07:46And it happens to many guys.
00:07:48So I'm not the only one.
00:07:50What the hell?
00:07:51Your column is breaking records.
00:07:54Okay, you were right.
00:07:56It's not that bad.
00:07:57I have even had some nipples about syndication.
00:08:00We are so in the money sack.
00:08:02Really?
00:08:03Yes, really.
00:08:04Okay.
00:08:04They want a picture.
00:08:05No problem.
00:08:07I can send them the one that you took at the picnic last summer.
00:08:09Mm-mm-mm.
00:08:10They think you're a guy.
00:08:12Just tell them it's me.
00:08:14I can't.
00:08:15Why not?
00:08:16Oh, it's complicated.
00:08:18But how complicated can it be, Patty?
00:08:20I mean, you just send them my bio, and then they'll meet me, and...
00:08:24Oh.
00:08:26Don't tell me.
00:08:27You lied.
00:08:29And then you lied some more.
00:08:31And then you probably lied some more.
00:08:33And now we can't get out of it.
00:08:34The readers find out that they have been had.
00:08:36We're history.
00:08:37All they want is a picture.
00:08:38It's not a big deal.
00:08:39Where am I going to find a picture of a Mr. Know-It-All?
00:08:41I don't know.
00:08:42Whatever.
00:08:43You will figure it out.
00:08:45Just to get me the face.
00:08:47Hmm?
00:08:50Here's a baby.
00:08:53Here's a baby.
00:09:11Here's a baby.
00:09:31Are you going to allow them to bully you in this way?
00:09:33Well, it's simply...
00:09:35Shocking.
00:09:36Harry wouldn't have let them do it.
00:09:38He had a sense of dignity.
00:09:40I have a sense of survival.
00:09:42Billy, what is going to happen?
00:09:44Do you think they will torture us?
00:09:46Just let them try it.
00:09:48I'm a British subject.
00:09:49I wouldn't say it too loud.
00:10:11We shipwreck.
00:10:12We shipwreck, big boat, go down, bottom ocean, we take little boat, row all day, row all night.
00:10:26It's heavy.
00:10:27There's only one way to do with these swine.
00:10:29Walk up to them and kick them in the belly.
00:10:31Show them who's boss right away.
00:10:33You will please to hand over your passports.
00:10:35We shipwreck, big boat, row on the land in the morning.inar
00:11:13Okay, and the fourth caller gets a free Mr. Know-it-all t-shirt.
00:11:27Patty's right. It is not a big deal.
00:11:31It's not that I lied.
00:11:35It's just a picture.
00:11:39Not even a picture, a drawing.
00:11:45I doubt anyone would even recognize him.
00:11:49And even if someone did, it probably would not make a difference to his life.
00:11:58An ordinary guy who lives an ordinary dull life.
00:12:06Oh, no.
00:12:31I'm not alone.
00:12:34I'm not alone.
00:12:35But even if he doesn't find another trick, at least I cannot accept his life.
00:12:37so you start with a lie a small one and now they want the real mr know-it-all there
00:12:42is no real mr
00:12:43know-it-all we are in big shit all we need is a video of the guy it'll buy us
00:12:49some time so we
00:12:49think of something else how hard can it be we'll hire a waiter a waiter a waiter an actor whatever
00:12:55we'll film the guy and add a voiceover and what do we do if he tells everyone he's a fake
00:13:00well
00:13:01then we'll have to kill him okay that was a joke
00:13:13i got it one more and then we're even just reminding you
00:13:24all done yeah boss i'm just gonna make sure this little weasel sung his last song
00:13:31weasels don't sing what a canary sings not a weasel you're mixing your metaphors
00:13:40what time is it where is stella we're gonna be late for rocco's kids confirmation
00:13:45she's always late stella come on
00:13:52where are you taking me
00:13:55what are you wearing um a dress well that looks stupid
00:14:03well the girl at the store said it's the style these days
00:14:06oh so the style these days is still look stupid
00:14:10come on you can't go like that you gotta change please we're in a hurry we're late and i'm hungry
00:14:14please sorry it's okay okay would you please just hurry up
00:14:28will you guys do something like uh fix something paint something kill somebody just do something
00:14:38what's the matter for
00:15:08what's the matter for
00:15:40Excuse me. I've never done this before, but, um, I just wanted to say that I'm a real fan, and
00:15:48I love your work. I can't believe that I have bumped into you like this. It was a pleasure to
00:15:56meet you.
00:16:28Our pain is your gain.
00:16:30I'm calling in my marker.
00:16:32What?
00:16:33No, uh, hi, bud. What's new? How you been?
00:16:36Hi, bud. What's new? How you been?
00:16:38Eh, same old, same old.
00:16:40What could I do you for?
00:16:41I need your expertise. Some woman got a good look at me.
00:16:44Oh, bummer, man.
00:16:46Yeah. Weirdest thing. She thought I was somebody else.
00:16:50Well, it's good to know you're following the rules there, pal.
00:16:52Rule number seven. Bail if you can be placed at the job site.
00:16:56Are you free?
00:16:58It needs to be done soon.
00:16:59Well, it's pretty busy on the lot there today.
00:17:04And I'm in the middle of redecorating my office.
00:17:07But, uh, I'm sure I could juggle a few things for you.
00:17:11I'll be old boy.
00:17:13I could fly in this evening. Do you want me to bring anything?
00:17:16Serious mister know-it-all.
00:17:17Let's see what these ladies have to say.
00:17:19Just yourself.
00:17:20Well, he may know it all, but...
00:17:27Hey, Mr. Know-it-all. I could teach you something.
00:17:31Get in line, girl.
00:17:34Well, there you have it. I think we'd all stand in line to get to know just a little bit
00:17:39more about Mr. Know-it-all.
00:17:41Back to you, Bob.
00:17:43Thank you, Gail. And in an unrelated story...
00:17:46Do I have an identical twin brother?
00:17:49Yes, you do.
00:17:51I've kept him in the attic for the last 30 years.
00:17:54He has a mental problem.
00:17:56I didn't think it was safe to let him out on his own.
00:17:59Really?
00:17:59No.
00:18:01What's the matter with you?
00:18:02You never phone.
00:18:03I can't remember the last time you were here.
00:18:05I was there for your birthday, Mom.
00:18:07Oh, that doesn't count.
00:18:08What do you mean it doesn't count? Of course it counts.
00:18:10Don't you get fresh with me.
00:18:13You may think you're a tough guy, but I could beat the shit out of you in my sleep.
00:18:18Sorry, Mom. It's just I've been real busy.
00:18:20I just got one more thing to do, and then I'll have a lot more time.
00:18:24Well, get off your ass and do it.
00:18:26Yes, Mom.
00:18:28And don't get killed.
00:18:29Mom.
00:18:38We have an exclusive.
00:18:40A treat for you with Mr. Know-It-All.
00:18:43He is quite a looker. Brains and smart.
00:18:47You've seen it here first, folks.
00:19:03You're that guy.
00:19:04No.
00:19:05Yeah, you're Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:06I never forget a face.
00:19:07No, no worries.
00:19:08Yeah, you are.
00:19:09Hey, this is Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:11What?
00:19:12You know, Mr. Know-It-All, that advice guy.
00:19:14Hey, can I have your autograph?
00:19:15It's for my girlfriend.
00:19:17You don't have a girlfriend.
00:19:18Yeah, I do.
00:19:19Yeah, nice try.
00:19:20You missed him.
00:19:20I don't, I do.
00:19:22Here, pay for this.
00:19:25Hey, that's Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:29Hey, that's Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:30Hey, that's Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:31That's Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:32That's Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:32Excuse me.
00:19:33Oh, my God.
00:19:34Hey, we have Mr. Know-It-All.
00:19:35I love you.
00:19:37It's my pen.
00:19:38Can I have my pen?
00:19:40One kiss.
00:19:44Success?
00:19:45Of course.
00:19:46I'm a professional.
00:19:52This'll kill you, bud.
00:19:54Yeah, thanks for the tip.
00:19:57Hey, you look good on TV.
00:19:59A little heavier, but, uh, good.
00:20:03This guy is ruining my life.
00:20:05Okay, I got people coming up to me on the street.
00:20:08They're asking for my autograph.
00:20:10They're telling me their problems.
00:20:13Yeah.
00:20:14It's gonna be tough to carry out your next hit anywhere around here,
00:20:16I'll tell you that much.
00:20:17Yeah.
00:20:17Please, please.
00:20:18We all wanna know who you are.
00:20:20So you gonna kill Know-It-All?
00:20:22Maybe it is.
00:20:23I think I will.
00:20:25Everyone's talking about him.
00:20:26He's a man of mystery.
00:20:27Yeah.
00:20:27He seems to have changed a lot of people's lives.
00:20:29So Albert cleared his debt.
00:20:31That's good.
00:20:33Not quite.
00:20:35He subcontracted.
00:20:38What is wrong with people today?
00:20:40Does no one have any integrity anymore?
00:20:42Nah, he came clean.
00:20:44He knows he still owes it.
00:20:47Alright, just one more.
00:20:50So who's next?
00:20:53This has been good.
00:20:55Yeah, boss.
00:20:56People are cooperating.
00:20:57Hmm.
00:20:59Something will come up.
00:21:01It always does.
00:21:04You know, I was thinking, boss.
00:21:07Maybe you don't have to hire up for your hits anymore.
00:21:09I mean, I got a pretty good handle.
00:21:11Where the hell did you put my snorkel?
00:21:13How should I know?
00:21:14It's your snorkel.
00:21:15Hey, don't be wise.
00:21:23Hey, keep an eye on her, alright?
00:21:25She's been acting really funny lately.
00:21:53Okay, so this is a preliminary script.
00:21:55Feel free to ad lib.
00:21:57Any questions?
00:21:58Who's directing this?
00:22:01Doesn't matter.
00:22:02One second.
00:22:04Oh.
00:22:05Oh!
00:22:07Whenever you're ready.
00:22:09I love my job.
00:22:11Honestly, I've been quite overwhelmed by the response.
00:22:20All I want to do is to help my fellow Mankind.
00:22:24Man.
00:22:25Mankind.
00:22:28You're right.
00:22:30Mankind.
00:22:38This isn't about me.
00:22:39Oh, no, no.
00:22:41This is about you.
00:22:42The people.
00:22:45Yes.
00:22:46Yes.
00:22:49No.
00:22:50No.
00:22:50No.
00:22:51No.
00:22:51No.
00:22:52No.
00:22:52Okay, so what was wrong with the one before him?
00:22:55He didn't have an air of confidence.
00:22:57And the one before him?
00:22:58He has got to see a doctor about that mole.
00:23:00And the one before him?
00:23:02Funny teeth.
00:23:02I think we are serious.
00:23:04Just pick one.
00:23:05None of them are right, Patty.
00:23:07None of them had those eyes.
00:23:09Um, they all had eyes.
00:23:10None of them looked like the drawing.
00:23:12None of them had it.
00:23:15Sally.
00:23:16Patty.
00:23:17We made him up.
00:23:18There is no Mr. Know-It-All.
00:23:20I know.
00:23:21I just have an idea of who he is, and I don't want to mess it up.
00:23:25Oh, my God.
00:23:26I cannot believe that you talked me into this.
00:23:28What?
00:23:29This was your stupid idea.
00:23:31No.
00:23:31No.
00:23:31Now is not the time to be blaming.
00:23:33You know what?
00:23:34I just wish that someone would walk through that door to solve all our problems.
00:23:37Great.
00:23:38Great.
00:23:38You've done it.
00:23:39We're doomed.
00:23:39You cursed us.
00:23:40What?
00:23:41Oh.
00:23:42Oh, my God.
00:23:43You don't.
00:23:44You're not serious.
00:23:45Oh.
00:23:45Because I wish?
00:23:51You do realize the monkey paw is just a story.
00:23:55No.
00:23:55Yeah.
00:23:56It doesn't matter anyway.
00:23:57You already said it.
00:23:57Oh, because I said it?
00:23:58He's going to walk through that door and then we're cursed?
00:24:00In a nutshell?
00:24:01Yeah.
00:24:01Yours.
00:24:01Hello.
00:24:03Looking for Mr. Nodal?
00:24:07Oh.
00:24:10Oh.
00:24:10Oh.
00:24:11Oh.
00:24:11Oh.
00:24:11Oh.
00:24:12You're a little late.
00:24:13But, uh.
00:24:14Yeah.
00:24:14We can squeeze you in here.
00:24:16It's a script.
00:24:17What?
00:24:18You're here to audition, right?
00:24:20No.
00:24:20I'm here to speak to Mr. Nodal.
00:24:22Oh.
00:24:23Well.
00:24:23He is.
00:24:25He is.
00:24:25Not here right now.
00:24:26Why don't he be back?
00:24:27Later.
00:24:29My client is a fan and would like a personal consultation.
00:24:33No.
00:24:33I'm sorry.
00:24:34You know what?
00:24:34Mr. Nodal does not work that way.
00:24:38My client's problem requires a swift resolution.
00:24:40Of course he'd be willing to pay any extra expenses that would entail.
00:24:46Nope.
00:24:48I still don't think Mr. Nodal would be interested.
00:24:52Well, my client would like me to speak on this matter with Mr. Nodal personally.
00:24:56I'll be in touch.
00:24:57Okay.
00:24:59Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:25:01I, I know where he is.
00:25:04I have a meeting with him later and I could set something up.
00:25:09Excellent.
00:25:10The Gladstone at nine.
00:25:22What are you doing?
00:25:24It's him.
00:25:24Who?
00:25:24That, that was Mr. Nodal.
00:25:26There is no Mr. Nodal.
00:25:28That was the guy from the movie theater.
00:25:31Oh, he looks nothing like the drawings.
00:25:32Shaved off his beard and he's a lot more cleaned up, but that was him.
00:25:36I studied his face for two hours.
00:25:37I swear, Patty, that is him.
00:25:39Look.
00:25:41This is perfect to be the guy we're looking for.
00:25:43He just walks right in.
00:25:44Wait.
00:25:46I can't meet with him.
00:25:47What?
00:25:48If I use him, then we'll be doomed.
00:25:51Oh.
00:25:53Right.
00:25:54The monkey paw.
00:25:57So, the guy that we're looking for just walked right in, but we can't use him because I wished for
00:26:04him?
00:26:04Yeah.
00:26:04Yeah.
00:26:04Okay.
00:26:05Yeah.
00:26:05Right.
00:26:06Got it.
00:26:06Just...
00:26:07One more question.
00:26:09Are you out of your mind?
00:26:11No.
00:26:52How'd it go?
00:26:55Okay.
00:26:56You killed him, didn't you?
00:26:59Yeah, more or less.
00:27:00That's not a real answer, I'll be old boy.
00:27:02Stop calling me that.
00:27:04It wasn't there.
00:27:05Was somebody there?
00:27:08Rule number three.
00:27:10If a witness sees you, you have to see to the witness.
00:27:13Relax.
00:27:14I'm a professional.
00:27:16Yeah.
00:27:17Somebody's tailing me.
00:27:19Do me a favor.
00:27:20Another favor?
00:27:21I'll be old boy.
00:27:22Well, this is gonna cost you more than dinner.
00:27:24Just find out what it's about, bud.
00:27:27Yeah, here.
00:27:31With pants.
00:27:44Can you hear me, Patti?
00:27:45This mic is a cheap piece of crap.
00:27:57Hi.
00:27:58I'm Sally, by the way.
00:28:00Well, not Sally, by the way.
00:28:01Just Sally.
00:28:02Hello.
00:28:03Just Sally.
00:28:12He, that is Mr. Know-It-All, is running a bit late tonight.
00:28:17I don't know where he is exactly, but he said we could begin the discussions without him.
00:28:23So, what exactly does your client have in mind?
00:28:26I prefer to speak to Mr. Know-It-All first.
00:28:29Right.
00:28:29Well, I can assure you that all of his business dealings are discussed with me personally.
00:28:37With respect, I must work within the parameters of my client's wishes.
00:28:41Do you always talk like that?
00:28:44Like what?
00:28:45So formal and uptight.
00:28:50Why?
00:28:51I don't know.
00:28:52I just pictured you differently.
00:28:54Why would you ever picture me?
00:28:55Do you want some wine or, or, or beer, or?
00:28:59Just water.
00:29:00I don't drink on the job.
00:29:01Oh, no, no.
00:29:02Neither do I.
00:29:03Excuse me.
00:29:06Let me try.
00:29:13Don't you hate that?
00:29:15Hate what?
00:29:16When people don't notice you.
00:29:19You know, when I, when I leave a room, people think someone's come in negative charisma.
00:29:26I think it's a gift.
00:29:28To be able to enter and leave a room without being noticed.
00:29:31I prefer it that way.
00:29:38It's a gift.
00:29:38Uh, yeah, me.
00:29:40Sorry.
00:29:42And it is Mr. Know-it-all.
00:29:44Excuse me.
00:29:51Did you record all of that?
00:29:52Just ask him already if he'll be our Mr. Know-it-all.
00:29:55He doesn't seem the type.
00:29:58Maybe we should go to plan B.
00:29:59What plan B?
00:30:01I thought you said you had a plan B.
00:30:10Yeah.
00:30:11Hey, where do you keep the peanut butter?
00:30:13I'm kinda busy, bud.
00:30:15I'm hungry.
00:30:16Look, were you able to identify the shadow?
00:30:18Uh, yeah, you're not gonna like it.
00:30:20Just give me the details later.
00:30:22This mic is a cheap piece of crap that keeps cutting out.
00:30:25You know, I'm gonna return it and get my 12 bucks back.
00:30:28I thought you said it was 200 bucks, Patty.
00:30:30Mmm.
00:30:31You heard wrong.
00:30:32So did you kill Know-it-all yet?
00:30:35Not yet.
00:30:37What's taking you so long?
00:30:38I'm in a meeting.
00:30:39Okay?
00:30:40Relax.
00:30:41Once I find Mr. Know-it-all, I'll kill him.
00:30:44Well, hurry up already.
00:30:45You're supposed to be taking me out for dinner and drinks.
00:30:50Just ask him.
00:30:57Uh, he, uh, can't make it tonight.
00:31:01I-I'm really sorry you had to come all the way out here.
00:31:04Perhaps we can arrange to go to him.
00:31:06No.
00:31:07He is out of town.
00:31:09I thought you said you didn't know where he was.
00:31:10I did.
00:31:11Because I know that he is out of town, but I do not know where he is in a GPS
00:31:15sort of way.
00:31:16I see.
00:31:17Your client must have quite the problem.
00:31:20He does.
00:31:22What does it involve?
00:31:26Sorry.
00:31:28I shouldn't have asked you that, and I...
00:31:31You know, this is a, may seem like a crazy question.
00:31:36What type of work do you do?
00:31:39Why do you ask?
00:31:41Well, I'm-I'm looking for someone to do some work for another, and I-I just thought that maybe you
00:31:46would-
00:31:47I'm not looking for any more work.
00:31:49Of course.
00:31:51You know what, I-I'm-I'm gonna go.
00:31:53I'm really sorry this was a waste of your time.
00:31:57No.
00:32:01Uh, it wasn't.
00:32:02I mean, you didn't.
00:32:06It wasn't.
00:32:08A complete...
00:32:10A complete waste of time.
00:32:15You're just saying that.
00:32:18It's very nice of you to say...
00:32:20There are not enough nice people in the world, don't you think?
00:32:27Would you like to meet with him tomorrow?
00:32:31Yes.
00:32:32Yes.
00:32:33Yes.
00:32:37Yes.
00:32:43You said that's my parking spot.
00:32:45What happened next?
00:32:47The stairs in.
00:32:47The stairs in?
00:32:48Yeah.
00:32:49Like he wants to go.
00:32:50You should've just punched him in his mouth.
00:32:51I should've.
00:32:55Hey.
00:32:56Hey.
00:32:58Got you a wine.
00:33:00Great.
00:33:01What kind?
00:33:07Mm-hmm.
00:33:16Red.
00:33:18You sure?
00:33:19Hey.
00:33:19Great.
00:33:20Cheers.
00:33:26Bad news there, pal.
00:33:27You know the guy you didn't kill?
00:33:29He was dead when I put him in the dumpster.
00:33:32Whatever.
00:33:33He knows you're in town.
00:33:35Recognizes you from the television coverage.
00:33:37Seems he blames you for the amputated leg.
00:33:40Just passing on a message.
00:33:42And why shoot the messenger?
00:33:43Your message was, die motherfucker.
00:33:46And the next time I see him, I'm gonna grab him by his scrawny neck and make him beg for
00:33:49his life.
00:33:50Why wait until next time?
00:33:52You should just kill him.
00:33:54You gonna kill him?
00:33:55Yeah.
00:33:56I'm gonna take my .45 Magnum.
00:33:5844.
00:33:59And I'm gonna blow his brains out.
00:34:02If these guys tried anything, they'd leave a trail a mile long.
00:34:04Yeah, of urine.
00:34:05Because they'd piss themselves running away.
00:34:12Hey, assholes, we amusing you?
00:34:15Well, sorry, pal.
00:34:16Hey, didn't mean to disturb you.
00:34:17You're disturbing us.
00:34:19Oh, well, I guess we just got carried away.
00:34:21Yeah.
00:34:25God bless us everyone, huh?
00:34:28It's a nice tattoo.
00:34:36And then what do I do?
00:34:41This is such a stupid plan.
00:34:46Look, just get the video and send it in.
00:34:48Oh, and then what?
00:34:49And then we'll come clean.
00:34:50But by then, everyone won't even lie.
00:34:52Well, your lies.
00:34:53Hey, they'll have lie too, and they'll have to go along with it.
00:34:56I don't know if I can do this.
00:34:57Sure you can.
00:34:58Just use your charm.
00:35:00Yeah, right.
00:35:01All right.
00:35:02Just come.
00:35:02Act natural.
00:35:03Naturally.
00:35:04Yes, perfect, good.
00:35:05No, no, no.
00:35:05It's an adverb.
00:35:06It's not natural.
00:35:07Oh, sure it is, honey.
00:35:08Just be yourself.
00:35:10No, I don't act natural.
00:35:11I act naturally.
00:35:12Now is really not the time for jitters, okay?
00:35:14Okay.
00:35:15He's here.
00:35:15He's here.
00:35:20Hi.
00:35:21Hi.
00:35:22Again.
00:35:28Where's Mr. Know-It-All?
00:35:30Oh, uh, late.
00:35:33He is always late.
00:35:36Do you want to, um, I don't know, go for a walk or look at the animals or something until
00:35:42he comes?
00:35:42The macaques, perhaps.
00:35:44You know, the macaques are the most widespread primate genus, aside from humans.
00:35:56Sure.
00:35:57Great.
00:35:59Follow me.
00:36:03So, um, have you, have you seen a macaque before?
00:36:14It was once thought that, uh, swans were monogamous.
00:36:18Now, given apes mate for life, so do coyotes, beavers, termites, only 3% of mammals are actually
00:36:26monogamous and Homo sapiens are not one of them.
00:36:29You thinking of dating a termite?
00:36:31Why?
00:36:32Do you know when that's available?
00:36:34Excuse me, but should I know you?
00:36:38No, I-I don't think so.
00:36:40Sorry, it's just your face looks so familiar.
00:36:42Heh.
00:36:43Yeah, no, I think it got me, uh, confused with somebody else.
00:36:45Oh.
00:36:46Wait, are you in movies?
00:36:47No.
00:36:50No.
00:36:51Sorry.
00:36:52We should go.
00:36:54Yeah, let's go.
00:36:55It's weird, I swear it was him.
00:36:57Did you see it?
00:36:57Here you go.
00:36:59Oh.
00:36:59Uh, nice.
00:37:00Here you go.
00:37:01Sorry, that was good.
00:37:03You know, uh, college students used to fling the pie plates made for the Frisbee baking
00:37:08company way back in the 1800s.
00:37:10That's how Frisbee started.
00:37:13I wasn't aware of that.
00:37:15Sorry.
00:37:18I babble when I'm nervous.
00:37:21Didn't realize you were.
00:37:23What, babbling or-or nervous?
00:37:31Nice catch, mister.
00:37:32It's all in the reflexes.
00:37:34It's all in the reflexes.
00:37:36Thanks.
00:37:37Yeah.
00:37:41Hey, dad.
00:37:46I am having a real good time with you.
00:37:51So I gotta come clean here.
00:37:56It's really, it's really stupid actually.
00:37:58I mean, I think you're gonna laugh when I tell you well.
00:38:00Maybe you'll be a little annoyed at first and then laugh.
00:38:02Or maybe you'll laugh first and then get annoyed.
00:38:04And you know what?
00:38:05I would really prefer it if you got annoyed first and then laughed.
00:38:07I am confusing you.
00:38:13Okay.
00:38:16The truth is that, um, well, mister...
00:38:22I really...
00:38:26Okay.
00:38:29Mr. Know-It-All doesn't really...
00:38:35eg-exactly want to meet with you.
00:38:40I-I have tried, but he is not budging on this one.
00:38:43I...
00:38:45I'm sorry.
00:38:48Really.
00:38:53I have to go.
00:38:55Sure, sure.
00:38:56I-I understand.
00:39:00Bye!
00:39:03It's...
00:39:04Are you free for dinner?
00:39:16Y-Yeah!
00:39:17Yeah!
00:39:19Yeah!
00:39:21Totally.
00:39:31you son of a bitch i'm gonna make you pay i wanna kill you so much i'm gonna get you
00:39:43so good
00:39:44you are gonna rue the death to review press three what the fuck
00:39:54it's just dinner it's never just dinner what are you doing tonight uh i'm gonna drop that video clip
00:40:02off of the tv station and then return that refurbished piece of crap no i got some pretty
00:40:08great stuff today you two look good together yeah right maybe you will get together i lied to him
00:40:15patty and let him on yeah okay pretty sure that's how most relationships start you should give it a
00:40:20try ah look who's talking have you ever had a meaningful relationship it depends on your
00:40:25definition of meaningful and what do you know about love hmm i know that it can rip open your chest
00:40:31and expose your hopes and dreams and then kick you in the heart and give you a puppy
00:40:36okay yeah i'm sure i read that on a hallmark card somewhere you know what you've really got to come
00:40:41to terms with your pass out i mean it doesn't hurt to wish for things to work out what could
00:40:46i possibly
00:40:47wish for with this guy not that i ever would i know i know because you don't wish for anything
00:40:52but you know what you have a boring life that is just the way my life is that is just
00:40:58a big pile
00:40:58of horse shit look if you don't wish for anything if you don't have any hopes i could tell you
00:41:02your
00:41:02entire life story right now sally was born she didn't really live and then she didn't
00:41:08it's a waste i think you should wear this one here all right let me see what we're working with
00:41:20little earrings hair up i think he might get lucky tonight
00:41:30i don't have a good vibe about this something you're not telling me what could i possibly be
00:41:35hiding who the hell is sally sally's just a girl there's no such thing as just a girl
00:41:45just getting information from her i think you want more than just information from her
00:41:51cardinal rule number one do not mess with a woman when you're working yes exactly this is not a
00:41:59suggestion this is a freaking cardinal rule i'm a professional
00:42:05yeah you keep saying that but you still haven't killed mr know-it-all
00:42:14yellow what oh uh i'm i was gonna leave you a message and no need pal what could i do
00:42:25you for
00:42:25uh i i uh what are you selling you mother fucker whoa chief don't you chief me
00:42:38you better watch your back i'm gonna put a knife through it do i know you yeah it's payback
00:42:47it's my turn to kill you payback that doesn't make oh hang on a minute albert it's for you
00:43:07this is stupid it should not be here it should not be here button up off no button on
00:43:29you look beautiful uh you too uh in a manly rugged sort of way
00:43:43line up i mean there is a lineup oh
00:43:52would you like to go for a walk sure okay yeah okay
00:44:08uh huh it's a classic uh the 1955 version sheer technical brilliance marked the beginning of his
00:44:18career well the 1981 deeper more mature version was the end what do you prefer
00:44:26i've always preferred the 55 version but now i'm not so sure how about you
00:44:34me uh i have both at home i heard a lot about them and i have not listened to either
00:44:44one
00:44:45um been meaning to uh now this one i know well that's a classic love this album i went to
00:45:03one
00:45:03of his concerts with my dad when i was a little girl he was singing this amazing song to a
00:45:10packed
00:45:10house of what seems like a million people but when he sang it it felt like it was just for
00:45:16me and my dad
00:45:17you know
00:45:20it was beautiful
00:45:23i thought that life could not be better
00:45:27unfortunately i was right
00:45:32do you do you ever take chances
00:45:38no
00:45:41i feel like sometimes i have wasted my whole life
00:45:46your life's not over yet
00:45:54i haven't heard this in years
00:45:57that is the song that he sang right here let me get this for you oh no please i want
00:46:06to get this
00:46:06for you and you have got to be gracious about accepting gifts okay okay
00:46:15who's next uh me right here
00:46:26is there anything else uh uh keep the change
00:46:31but miss this is a 50. what i need to get some air
00:46:38i'm so sorry i was just i was feeling a bit faint well are you are you okay now uh
00:46:42yeah uh much better
00:46:48uh uh uh albert what i uh i'm sorry i i don't i don't know what came over me i'm
00:47:00uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh
00:47:12okay okay okay
00:47:14Oh, my God.
00:47:28Can you, um...
00:47:31Wait, um, wait here.
00:47:33My cleaning lady hasn't been here in a couple days.
00:47:36You don't need to.
00:47:37Okay, I'll be back.
00:47:38Oh, my God.
00:47:42About 850 days.
00:47:49I've got to talk.
00:47:52Okay.
00:48:02Sorry about that.
00:48:04I am, uh, not the neatest person.
00:48:06It's okay, I don't mind a little mess.
00:48:08Ah, typical guy.
00:48:10Yeah.
00:48:11Oh.
00:48:12Oh, hello.
00:48:14Wow, he usually only does that to me.
00:48:17What's his name?
00:48:18Rufus.
00:48:19Dog, for short.
00:48:21Hello, Rufus.
00:48:30Albert?
00:48:31Mm-hmm.
00:48:34I have a confession to make.
00:48:39Mm-hmm.
00:48:42I'm Mr. Know-It-All.
00:48:47Mm-hmm.
00:48:49I-I used your picture for the column.
00:48:51I-I know I should have told you.
00:48:52I-I'm-I'm so sorry.
00:48:55I just didn't think it would lead to this.
00:48:57You know, this.
00:48:59Wonderful this.
00:49:03God, it is such a relief to finally tell you.
00:49:06Mm-hmm.
00:49:07These last few days have been incredible.
00:49:11The best I've ever had.
00:49:14All my life, I have kept things in my heart.
00:49:18And now, for the first time, I feel alive.
00:49:23Mm-hmm.
00:49:25Okay, you may think this is crazy, but...
00:49:28Here it goes.
00:49:31Albert, I-I think I'm falling for you.
00:49:36Oh.
00:49:38I-I-I'm sorry.
00:49:40I should not have told you like that.
00:49:42It just...
00:49:43No, no.
00:49:44It's, uh...
00:49:46It's...
00:49:47It just caught me by surprise.
00:49:49Well, me too!
00:49:50I mean, this...
00:49:50This whole thing is moving so fast.
00:49:53So fast.
00:49:53My head is spinning, but...
00:49:56But it's wonderful.
00:49:58Isn't it?
00:50:04You're...
00:50:04You're confused.
00:50:05Con-con-conflicted.
00:50:08You could say that.
00:50:11Well, um...
00:50:12Go with your instincts.
00:50:14You'll know what to do.
00:50:18I don't know.
00:50:19Just do it.
00:50:21I support you in this.
00:50:24I wouldn't bet on that.
00:50:25Do what you feel inside.
00:50:28You know, I did, and I...
00:50:30I feel free.
00:50:32Hey!
00:50:35Albert?
00:50:38You know what you want to do?
00:50:43I think so.
00:50:44Then... then do it.
00:50:47Just...
00:50:50When you told me that you were Mr. Know-It-All, I...
00:50:54Caught me by surprise.
00:50:55I know.
00:50:56I was just...
00:50:56I was trying to be honest, and I...
00:51:01Wait.
00:51:02Wait.
00:51:02Wait.
00:51:05Is this about Mr. Know-It-All?
00:51:09No.
00:51:10I bare my soul to you, and you are hung up on me being Mr. Know-It-All.
00:51:19No.
00:51:19No.
00:51:21What about the other things I just said?
00:51:25Yeah.
00:51:27Oh, you mean the other stuff other than being Mr. Know-It-All?
00:51:31Were you even listening to me?
00:51:32Yes.
00:51:33Then what did I say?
00:51:34You said...
00:51:36a lot.
00:51:40Wow.
00:51:42I told you I was in love with you, and you were not even listening.
00:51:47No, no. I'm listening.
00:51:48I am such an idiot!
00:51:51No, you're not.
00:51:53You know what? You're right. I am not the idiot. You are.
00:51:56Get out! Get out of here! Were you listening that time?
00:51:59No, that's not... you're not being fair.
00:52:00Life isn't fair.
00:52:02Come on.
00:52:04Damn.
00:52:05Let me in.
00:52:06I already did, and that was a big mistake.
00:52:11Come on, let me in.
00:52:12Say you're sorry.
00:52:14I'm sorry.
00:52:15Too late.
00:52:16What? Give me a break.
00:52:17You don't deserve it.
00:52:19You can't ask for an apology and then receive it and not be okay with it.
00:52:23Well, I'm not.
00:52:26You're being unreasonable.
00:52:29Reason has nothing to do with it. Now go away.
00:52:34Fine. You know what? I'm going. In fact, you couldn't pay me to come in.
00:52:38Fine.
00:52:38I'm going.
00:52:39Then go.
00:52:40I'm out of here.
00:52:41Who's stopping you?
00:52:46I said good night once or twice.
00:52:51With your arms wrapped so tightly around me.
00:53:02And that kiss was so sweet that you just did not seem to wanna go.
00:53:13Hey.
00:53:19It's been nice.
00:53:20It's been swell.
00:53:22But tomorrow will be hell for you.
00:53:33To our fate, it's too late to start tonight over again.
00:53:46Well, with the weight of those eyes, it's so hard to cast aside all this person.
00:54:03How should I try getting my ex-girlfriend back?
00:54:06What is a healthy interpersonal relationship?
00:54:10Yeah, my boyfriend has an obsession with his leaf blower.
00:54:13Why does my cat hate me?
00:54:15How long should I wait before I go into a rebound relationship?
00:54:20Move on.
00:54:20You are alone.
00:54:22Most men are not worth the tears.
00:54:24But when you meet one that is, he won't make you cry.
00:54:30He is an enigma.
00:54:32But he captures the public's imagination.
00:54:36He is a beacon of hope.
00:54:37She played you, pal.
00:54:39You should have killed her when you had the chance.
00:54:41Mr. Know-It-All.
00:54:43A man who applies the...
00:54:45This is award-winning stuff, pal.
00:54:47You're a pretty good actress.
00:54:48Look, it actually looks like you like the guy.
00:54:51Ooh.
00:55:02Vindication! You are a genius!
00:55:04Okay, but after this, can we cool it?
00:55:08I want to focus on the book.
00:55:10What book?
00:55:11My book.
00:55:13That book.
00:55:16I'm not crazy about that publisher.
00:55:17I was thinking that we should go with someone
00:55:20who's more in line with our way of thinking.
00:55:23Okay, um, what is our way of thinking?
00:55:26You never really want to get the book published.
00:55:28They said no.
00:55:30I'm sure I mentioned this to you.
00:55:32Did they say anything else?
00:55:34They said it was well-researched, but a little boring.
00:55:37Like my life.
00:55:38Maybe you can make some changes.
00:55:40Just add a little excitement.
00:55:41Are we still talking about the book?
00:55:42A lot of famous authors have had their first books rejected.
00:55:45And so have a lot of crappy ones.
00:55:47It's not a big deal.
00:55:49We are golden with this Mr. Know-It-All gig.
00:55:51Patty, have you ever felt like you had it all worked out
00:55:54and life should finally be okay
00:55:56and then you realize you're just a horse's ass?
00:56:01Yeah, all the time.
00:56:03Don't worry.
00:56:04He'll be fine.
00:56:06Mr. Know-It-All will be fine.
00:56:08Not so sure about me.
00:56:11Do you love me?
00:56:14Why are you asking me these questions
00:56:16in front of the guys?
00:56:17Do you love me?
00:56:18Don't ask me questions like that.
00:56:21I got an idea.
00:56:22You're already packed.
00:56:23Let's go to Catalina.
00:56:24You love Catalina.
00:56:26You can't even answer me, can you?
00:56:28Oh, well, I am.
00:56:29You know what?
00:56:30Mr. Know-It-All is right.
00:56:32You found someone ready to love you,
00:56:34and you can't allow yourself to love.
00:56:36Would you stop with this Mr. Know-It-All, please?
00:56:38I mean, you're just putting crazy ideas in your head.
00:56:41Hey, Joe.
00:56:42Yes, boss?
00:56:43What's with this Mr. Know-It-All thing?
00:56:45Mr. Know-It-All is a settlement for a popular newspaper columnist.
00:56:48He's an enigma.
00:56:49Doesn't do interviews,
00:56:50but he's managed to capture the people's imagination.
00:56:52He's a beacon of hope and wisdom in an otherwise chaotic world.
00:56:56Hmm.
00:56:57He's a man that understands women.
00:56:58Oh, Stella.
00:57:01You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
00:57:03Goodbye, Sherman.
00:57:05Stella.
00:57:07Stella!
00:57:08Oh, wait, Stella.
00:57:10Come on, Stella.
00:57:11Stella!
00:57:13Stella!
00:57:16Stella!
00:57:20Hey, guys, don't worry about me, all right?
00:57:23I'm like a cat.
00:57:24I always land on my feet.
00:57:27Oh, God, Stella!
00:57:30It's okay, boss.
00:57:31I'm fine.
00:57:32I'm fine.
00:57:34We're gonna get this Mr. Know-It-All, all right?
00:57:37We're gonna get him.
00:57:37Yeah, we are.
00:57:39I want you to get this guy, this Mr. Know-It-All.
00:57:41I want you to get him!
00:57:50You ever have doubts about our profession?
00:57:52No.
00:57:53You?
00:57:54Not really.
00:57:56Good.
00:57:57It's just that we have a certain philosophy of life.
00:58:01Okay.
00:58:03What are you getting at?
00:58:05What's our credo?
00:58:07Life holds no real meaning.
00:58:09Death holds no real fear.
00:58:11I am starting to think that there's a sense to life.
00:58:14Oh, don't talk crazy, man.
00:58:16You're just going through a phase.
00:58:18Everybody thinks that positive crap at some point in their lives.
00:58:23No, it's more than that.
00:58:24I'm starting to think that there's a part of life that we have yet to tap.
00:58:27Look.
00:58:29We'll work this out.
00:58:31Okay?
00:58:33Just don't be doing something stupid you're gonna regret for the rest of your life.
00:58:38Stay with me, pal.
00:58:40Ugh!
00:58:40Life just seems so real now.
00:58:43I'll be, old boy.
00:58:44Repeat after me.
00:58:46Life is empty and meaningless.
00:58:51I don't believe that anymore.
00:58:55You haven't had a hit in a few weeks.
00:58:57It's messing with your head.
00:58:59Come on.
00:59:00Let's go down to the shooting range.
00:59:03It's on me.
00:59:06I don't feel like shooting anything.
00:59:10You know, I just...
00:59:12Forget what I said.
00:59:13I'm...
00:59:14I'm fine.
00:59:15I'm okay.
00:59:16I think I'm gonna go for a walk.
00:59:25I don't feel like shooting anything.
00:59:29Ooh.
00:59:40I took my mind off your honey.
00:59:48And let the world go black.
00:59:54Leaving the home in a hurry.
00:59:59I ain't never coming back.
01:00:04Now all my gods are just memories.
01:00:09Like girls I used to know.
01:00:18Love's a summer I lost a long time ago.
01:00:25I'd have to be a stone to forget you.
01:00:55I'm really just going.
01:01:02I couldn't let you.
01:01:03I'm sorry.
01:01:04I'm not crying.
01:01:05I was going to get into the bar.
01:01:06And there was sweat.
01:01:07And then there was another girl who was involved for like two seconds.
01:01:10But then I totally slapped her in the face and all that was.
01:02:13And spit out on the frozen road without the sense to go back home.
01:02:24I lived there long before love laid me down.
01:02:33From wall to wall and town to town, I looked up from the dirty ground.
01:02:44I lived there to keep me low.
01:02:50Love laid me down, love laid me.
01:02:59Love laid me down, love laid me.
01:03:14Through stars in the trees, I bet my prayer on the passing breeze.
01:03:25Gathered echoes on my knees, love laid me down.
01:03:35Love laid me.
01:03:40Love laid me down, love laid me.
01:03:48Love laid me down, love laid me down.
01:04:18Is, um, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
01:04:33I'm returning this piece of crap.
01:04:35What's wrong with it?
01:04:36Well, it keeps cutting out.
01:04:37Lubricant, zucchini, haberoid cream.
01:04:42Okay, so it doesn't cut out all the time.
01:04:47I'm in a meeting.
01:04:49I'm in a meeting.
01:04:49Okay, relax.
01:04:51Once I find Mr. Know-It-All, I'll kill him.
01:04:54Oh, my God, Sal.
01:04:56Sounds good to me.
01:05:03Sally?
01:05:04Sally, it's Patty.
01:05:05Pick up.
01:05:06Albert is trying to kill you.
01:05:08He wants to kill Mr. Know-It-All.
01:05:11What, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:05:15What was that about?
01:05:18What was what about?
01:05:20No, no, no.
01:05:22Are you trying to kill me?
01:05:24No.
01:05:25Then why would Patty say that?
01:05:29Couldn't tell you.
01:05:32Look me in the eyes and tell me you were not trying to kill me.
01:05:39Oh, my God.
01:05:40You are trying to kill me.
01:05:41No, no.
01:05:42No.
01:05:43It's not what you think.
01:05:44Are you a psychopath?
01:05:46No, it's not like that.
01:05:48Then what is it like?
01:05:51It's complicated.
01:05:53Oh, good.
01:05:55At least it's complicated.
01:05:58I am going to give you 60 seconds and then I'm calling the cops.
01:06:01Don't do that.
01:06:0259, 58, 57, 56.
01:06:05Jesus, all right.
01:06:08I'm a hit man.
01:06:11People were recognizing me from the picture you're using for your column
01:06:15and I can't do my job if I have people who notice me.
01:06:18So I...
01:06:20I was going to...
01:06:24kill you.
01:06:26So you were going to kill me so you could go on with your killing?
01:06:33Well, it sounds bad when you say it like that.
01:06:35I cannot believe you wanted to kill me.
01:06:38Yes, but I didn't.
01:06:39But you wanted to.
01:06:41But I didn't.
01:06:42That doesn't matter.
01:06:43It matters.
01:06:44It doesn't matter.
01:06:45I never wanted to kill you.
01:06:47You've never had a reason to want to kill me.
01:06:49Oh.
01:06:50Oh, so if I have a reason to kill you, then it's okay.
01:06:53Yes.
01:06:54No.
01:06:55I mean...
01:06:55You know what?
01:06:56Keep talking.
01:06:57And I'm going to come up with a reason really soon.
01:07:00Sally, stop it.
01:07:01Or what?
01:07:02You're going to kill me?
01:07:06I don't want to kill you anymore.
01:07:09Oh.
01:07:10Albert.
01:07:11That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
01:07:13Okay.
01:07:14You know what?
01:07:14You should teach one of those remedial maiming and murdering courses.
01:07:18I hear you can do it online.
01:07:20There's no such thing.
01:07:20You would send people like bullets through the internet and all your students would love
01:07:24you and they'd have their time rooms.
01:07:26This is possible.
01:07:26And the chat rooms would talk about bullets.
01:07:27Okay.
01:07:28Just stop.
01:07:28Stop.
01:07:28Stop.
01:07:31Wait a second.
01:07:32Why are you getting so high-handed with me?
01:07:36But...
01:07:36Yeah.
01:07:37Yeah.
01:07:38You lied to me.
01:07:40Oh.
01:07:41You strung me along.
01:07:43You used me to get your film coverage.
01:07:46You tried to kill me!
01:07:50Okay.
01:07:51That wasn't me.
01:07:52Damn.
01:07:57You got guys around the back?
01:07:59Yup.
01:08:01I can't see nothing.
01:08:03I got the lights off.
01:08:05Use your infrared scope.
01:08:08Try to take some initiative.
01:08:11Don't have me telling you what to do all the time.
01:08:17Yeah.
01:08:19So, you don't think the boss is going to get pissed if we kill know-it-all?
01:08:23The boss is going to see if we can kill with the best of them.
01:08:29How are we going to stop Albert?
01:08:31We don't even know what he looks like.
01:08:33We don't need to.
01:08:36We just need to kill Mr. Know-it-all before Albert gets to him.
01:08:48Stay down.
01:08:49Somebody's trying to kill me.
01:08:52Kill you?
01:08:53Aw, you have guns.
01:08:55Yup.
01:08:55Have you always had those guns?
01:08:57How did I not notice that?
01:08:59You were a bit distracted.
01:09:01Oh, and by the way, there's a contract on your life.
01:09:03Wait, how do you know there's a contract on my life?
01:09:07I got the contract.
01:09:08Oh, good.
01:09:12Excuse me.
01:09:41Here, come on.
01:09:42There you go.
01:09:47What?
01:09:48You'll be safe.
01:09:50You know, I don't think I know anyone who cares about me enough to want to kill me.
01:09:54I mean, other than you, of course.
01:09:59Why does everyone take it so personally?
01:10:01It's not you.
01:10:02Personally.
01:10:03Oh, good.
01:10:04Because I'd hate to know someone personally who wanted me dead, except for you, of course.
01:10:09Just drop it already.
01:10:11Drop that you wanted to kill me?
01:10:12Yes.
01:10:13It's a big deal.
01:10:15Jesus, it's only a big deal if you keep making it a big deal.
01:10:18Watch.
01:10:24Not a lot of people would think it's a big deal.
01:10:27My friend, Patty, thinks it's a big deal.
01:10:30You know what?
01:10:30Here.
01:10:31Take it.
01:10:31Shoot me.
01:10:32We'll call it even.
01:10:33I am not going to shoot you.
01:10:35You don't have to kill me.
01:10:36Just take a shot.
01:10:36Because I'd rather you shoot me now than hear you tried to kill me for the rest of my
01:10:41life.
01:10:43For the...
01:10:44For the rest of your life?
01:10:48Yeah.
01:10:50Well...
01:10:51Really?
01:10:53Yeah.
01:10:59Oh, shit!
01:11:02What the hell?
01:11:03You told me to shoot you.
01:11:05Since when do you listen to me?
01:11:07I was aiming for the floor.
01:11:09Well, you missed.
01:11:10I am so sorry.
01:11:12Well, you know that situation we were in earlier?
01:11:14You know, we were in a bit of a...
01:11:16Well?
01:11:16Yeah, well...
01:11:18Before I put a bullet in my foot.
01:11:20And now we're kinda...
01:11:21Well, kinda...
01:11:22Screwed?
01:11:23In a nutshell.
01:11:25Oh, my God.
01:11:26But you've been in tougher situations before.
01:11:28I have been in marginally tougher situations.
01:11:32Now that you've blown off a toe, the odds have kinda changed.
01:11:35Because of one toe?
01:11:39Trust me, a toe or two can change the equation.
01:11:42Did you add me into the equation?
01:11:45You.
01:11:46I can help.
01:11:47I don't think so.
01:11:49And why not?
01:11:51Have you ever shot anyone before?
01:11:52Ha!
01:11:54Do you know anything about guns?
01:11:58I am Mr. Know-It-All.
01:11:59This is a Sig Sauer Pro 226.
01:12:02The DEA uses it, as well as the Swiss military.
01:12:05Trying to release the hammer manually could result in accidental discharge.
01:12:11I guarantee you, I've never had any accidental discharge with any of my weapons.
01:12:24We are not dealing with the brightest bulbs in the bunch.
01:12:53Who told you to do that?
01:12:55Why?
01:12:56Who told you to do that?
01:12:59Don't do anything unless I give you an order first!
01:13:02You said do more!
01:13:06You said take initiative!
01:13:09I was wrong!
01:13:11No shit!
01:13:19Hey, Albert.
01:13:22Hey, Joey.
01:13:23How's your mom? Still busting balls?
01:13:25Yeah, yeah. How's yours?
01:13:27She's good. She's got a new hip replacement.
01:13:30It's like she's got a new lease on life.
01:13:32What size?
01:13:35Don't even think about it, Albert.
01:13:38Guess there's no way of me talking you out of this.
01:13:41Sorry, Albert.
01:13:44Yeah, I thought I'd ask.
01:13:46It's nothing personal.
01:13:47Oh, I know. I know. I know, yeah.
01:13:51Back or chest?
01:13:54Chest.
01:14:00Uh, I was aiming for his leg.
01:14:04You blew his face off.
01:14:06I got nervous.
01:14:11What are you doing?
01:14:14Cleaning.
01:14:15I gotta go. I can't be here.
01:14:17I'll come with you.
01:14:18No.
01:14:19You are not walking out on me again.
01:14:22I didn't walk out on you. You kicked me out.
01:14:25Do not change the subject.
01:14:27You're staying.
01:14:27I thought you wanted to be with me.
01:14:30I mean...
01:14:31Don't you?
01:14:34There's nothing I want more.
01:14:38But it's over, Sally.
01:14:41Over.
01:14:42There's gonna be another contract on my life.
01:14:45And with a broken contract, I'm a dead man.
01:14:48It's just a matter of time.
01:14:49We will hide.
01:14:50We will run away.
01:14:52They'll find us.
01:14:53We didn't even have a chance, Albert.
01:14:55We can do this.
01:14:56I can help you.
01:14:57I know tons of stuff.
01:14:59We will figure it out.
01:14:59Sally, no, you gotta listen to me.
01:15:01Don't!
01:15:01Go!
01:15:05God, this is all my fault.
01:15:06I never should have printed your picture.
01:15:11If you hadn't, we'd never have met.
01:15:13Yeah, but now, I mean, you are...
01:15:16Look, I have lived more in the little time
01:15:19that we have had together than I ever thought I could,
01:15:22ever thought I would want to.
01:15:27I love you for that, Sally.
01:15:30You can't say that and then leave me.
01:15:33That's not fair.
01:15:36Life is not fair.
01:15:38No, we can stop this.
01:15:40We can pay someone off.
01:15:41Sally, someone is going to kill me.
01:15:43That's a certainty.
01:15:44No, that is bullshit, Albert.
01:15:45It is not over till it's over.
01:15:47It's only over when they have their dead body.
01:15:49Albert.
01:15:50Look, just please stop wasting what little time we have left.
01:15:57Wait.
01:15:59What did you say?
01:16:01Stop wasting what little time we have left.
01:16:03No, no.
01:16:04Before that.
01:16:07Someone's going to kill me?
01:16:08No, no, no.
01:16:08After that.
01:16:09The part about the dead body.
01:16:12It's only over when they have a dead body.
01:16:14That's it.
01:16:15We have one.
01:16:17I guess I should be more specific.
01:16:19We need two bodies.
01:16:20One for me and one for Know-It-All.
01:16:21No.
01:16:22We need one body.
01:16:24Everyone thinks you're him.
01:16:26We can tell them you were Mr. Know-It-All.
01:16:29Mr. Know-It-All is dead.
01:16:31Your contract is fulfilled.
01:16:33And as far as the guy who wanted to kill you...
01:16:37You're dead.
01:16:40No one will give you another thought.
01:16:42Please, Albert.
01:16:47You may just have something here.
01:16:49Okay.
01:16:50Grab me something from the kitchen.
01:16:51Anything that put his fingerprints on a mug or pens or whatever.
01:16:54And a cloth.
01:16:55Yeah.
01:16:57Great.
01:16:58Thanks.
01:17:02I'm going to have to disappear for a while.
01:17:04I'll find you.
01:17:07Wait.
01:17:09What if I never see you again?
01:17:13Give him a great story.
01:17:17And...
01:17:19Wish for a happy ending.
01:17:27In tragic news today, advice columnist sensation, Mr. Know-It-All, was found dead.
01:17:33Screw down in the hallway.
01:17:34One more in here.
01:17:35There's a dog in the oven.
01:17:36Ma'am.
01:17:37Ma'am.
01:17:38Are you okay?
01:17:38It's a monkey paw.
01:17:41Aren't you going to make a wish, sweetie?
01:17:52What did you wish for?
01:17:53I can't tell you.
01:17:55And it won't come true.
01:17:56Well, you've had such a good year.
01:17:57I don't know what else you could possibly wish for.
01:17:59Your book?
01:18:01It's actually doing amazing.
01:18:03Hey, show her the new covers for the second printing.
01:18:06Check it out.
01:18:07Huh?
01:18:11You guys have been amazing.
01:18:14The secret to a good working relationship is to know who's boss.
01:18:19And it's you, baby.
01:18:20It's always been you.
01:18:21Yeah?
01:18:22Yeah.
01:18:24Aw, Sal.
01:18:26I'm glad you're a year older, but I swear to God, you have never looked better.
01:18:30What's the secret?
01:18:31I just follow a piece of advice given to me by a wise woman.
01:18:36Who?
01:18:36Albert's mom.
01:18:37Well, she told you to keep your pecker in your pants?
01:18:40Stop.
01:18:41No, but that was advice especially for you.
01:18:44Uh, she said that it comes down to three simple things.
01:18:48If you wake up in the morning and you have something to do,
01:18:53someone to love, and something to wish for,
01:18:57then life's gonna be okay.
01:18:59Ah, she sounds so sweet.
01:19:02Uh, this is the same sweet woman who wished for a Desert Eagle automatic for her birthday.
01:19:08Oh.
01:19:08It's a gun.
01:19:10Well, best present of all.
01:19:13We got the deal in the advance for your second book.
01:19:15And it's a good deal.
01:19:17Happy birthday, honey.
01:19:18I think this calls for a celebration.
01:19:21Yes, sir.
01:19:22A bottle of the Dom Perignon 96.
01:19:24Oh, and?
01:19:25Uh, chocolate milk.
01:19:26Yes, sir.
01:19:27Okay.
01:19:27Well, Sal, I do believe that you have to start writing your second book.
01:19:32I already have started.
01:19:35I even have a title.
01:19:36Oh, what?
01:19:36Let me go.
01:19:38Shoot.
01:19:39Huh?
01:19:42And...
01:19:42Baby Makes Three.
01:19:46Yeah?
01:19:49Yeah.
01:19:52Oh, my God.
01:19:54What kind of title is that?
01:19:56It makes no sense.
01:19:57Hey, come on, guys. We're in a public place.
01:20:00Sal?
01:20:00Will somebody tell me what the hell's going on here?
01:20:03What's going on?
01:20:04Honey, use your head.
01:20:05What?
01:20:06A baby makes three of the...
01:20:07Oh, man.
01:20:09I get it.
01:20:09I get it. Yeah, yeah.
01:20:10That's, that's just, that's...
01:20:12Hey, come on, guys. I get it, okay?
01:20:15You can stop now, okay?
01:20:17Will you just shut up and kiss me?
01:20:19Yes, sir.
01:20:22Sometimes, things work out better than you could ever imagine.
01:20:25Especially if you don't have much of an imagination.
01:20:27Of course, if you have a great imagination, then it may never work out better than what you could imagine,
01:20:31but I digress.
01:20:33I've read about life, written about life, but it is different when you finally live it.
01:20:39They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
01:20:42Someone to love.
01:20:44And something to wish for.
01:20:46I'm ready.
01:21:03I'm ready.
01:21:03I'm ready.
01:21:06I'm ready!
01:21:24I'm ready.
01:21:26I'm ready.
01:21:27I'm ready.
01:21:54I'll see you next time.
01:21:57To drink no more cheap wine.
01:22:10Spent so long chasing my tail around.
01:22:18Running from my shadow, baby like an old bloodhound.
01:22:27But I slip this chain again.
01:22:32With some help from a long lost friend.
01:22:37Don't waste one dime toot in a party line.
01:22:42Oh, life's too short to drink no more cheap wine.
01:22:55If I had my chance
01:23:00I would take it now
01:23:05I would take your hand
01:23:08And we would leave it all behind
01:23:16So-called friends
01:23:21And faithless promises
01:23:25I would take your hand
01:23:29And we would leave it all behind
01:23:34One last look
01:23:37At what was once our life
01:23:44One last tear
01:23:47To say goodbye
01:23:50To everything we tried
01:23:56If you called to me
01:23:59If you called to me
01:24:01I could be there now
01:24:06I would take your hand
01:24:10And we would leave it all behind
01:24:35One last tear
01:24:38At what was once our life
01:24:45One last year
01:24:48To say goodbye
01:24:51To everything we tried
01:24:56If I had my chance
01:25:01I would take it now
01:25:06I would take your hand
01:25:10And we would leave it all behind
01:25:14Leave it all behind
01:25:20Leave it all behind
01:25:25Leave it all behind
01:25:35Leave it all behind
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