- 7 hours ago
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00:11I'll go first. Um, Abe. I... I'm really sorry for infiltrating your home and for doubting your devotion to my
00:23best friend and so, so, so sorry for fucking your son.
00:30It's all on me.
00:31I think that's real progress. What do you guys think?
00:47Should we join them?
00:49Bye!
01:24What are you doing?
01:25Cleansing the space. Collecting all of your negative energy.
01:34Oh.
01:35Yeah, I'm sensing paranoia, trauma, deep-rooted shame. Oh, perhaps that's Abe's energy I'm picking up on, actually.
01:47Do you think that's really necessary?
01:49I'll be all necessary. Freya, stranger danger is coming into our home to assess us.
01:57Um, it's actually me getting my needs assessed so I can claim funding for you, Ty.
02:01That's what I said. All eyes are gonna be on me.
02:11I doubt they'll be inspecting the contents of the fridge.
02:16Oh, feeling very crowded in here. It's like someone's been adding things without me knowing.
02:21Look, there's a jam here, right behind Mayo. Or should I say behind Mayo's back?
02:26Abe, stop. Abe.
02:29Abe!
02:33You have my attention.
02:36I'm sorry if you feel like I was seeing Joe behind your back.
02:40And, yeah, I know my tits look incredible.
02:44Well, first of all, that's not an apology.
02:47And second, you lied.
02:50I didn't lie. I just wasn't telling the truth.
02:52You lied. It's akin to having an affair, Freya.
02:55Abe, she's my best friend.
02:57I just don't understand why you felt you couldn't tell me.
03:01I guess I just didn't want to admit that I was lonely without her.
03:08As your punishment,
03:12you can eat this pickle from 2016.
03:15Question. Have you ever been assessed before?
03:18Oh, yeah.
03:19They're super lovely people.
03:21Really.
03:22Back in Canada, this woman visited me with a Pomeranian.
03:25The whole thing was super chill.
03:27You're gonna be great.
03:40The time is 0900 hours. We can begin.
03:44Introduction. I answer to the name of Susan.
03:46Never Sue. She doesn't exist.
03:48Are you holding my hand?
03:50My job as your disability assessor is to evaluate your care package
03:55and assess everyday needs in a non-invasive, forensic manner.
03:59This will allow me to calculate the hours which we will fund your PA to work with you.
04:04Told you.
04:04I have one rule.
04:06Never.
04:07Make.
04:09Assumptions.
04:10One time in the army, my whole squadron did.
04:13Everyone was killed except me.
04:14Make of that what you will.
04:15Questions?
04:16Good morning.
04:17Anyone for tea?
04:1901100 hours.
04:20We stop for tea and a boost.
04:30A bit more?
04:31I feel like we're going far to the right.
04:32I feel like that is too far.
04:33That's too far.
04:34I mean, it's you and your book.
04:36There should be a sort of healthy, respectable distance between them, I think.
04:40You've got to get this right.
04:41Why?
04:41Why?
04:42Why is it a man in a cage, not a woman?
04:44Ah.
04:45Now that is a fascinating question.
04:46I want you to ask yourself why you asked it.
04:49Okay.
04:50Because men, of course, are even a woman in a cage, not a woman in a cage.
04:52Equally constrained by society.
04:53No, I'm regretting asking it.
04:55And tell me that doesn't scream your dad during his trench coat face.
04:58Yeah, it does a bit, actually.
05:00So what's it about?
05:03Haven't you read it?
05:05Oh, bug, that's really hurtful.
05:06I sent you and your father the proofs weeks ago.
05:09Yeah, but we just presumed it was the same normal dry shit, but just really, really long.
05:12No, it's popular science.
05:15It's not for just 300 hyper-literate mole people wearing cardigans.
05:19It's for you.
05:21It's got a dramatic arc.
05:22It's got quirky facts.
05:24Did you know that male flanged orangutans take it up the shitter?
05:28Did you know that male bonobos like to fence using their penises?
05:33Hard or soft?
05:33You see, I've got you.
05:34That's it.
05:35It piqued your curiosity.
05:36And that is what it does.
05:37It's just science, but with a little bit of juice.
05:39Yeah, okay, so define juice, because I'm just skimming the first page here
05:42and I've already seen the phrase, unstable son.
05:45I changed your name.
05:47Yeah, to Lee.
05:48You've dropped one syllable.
05:49No, listen.
05:50It's still behavioral ecology, but it's a scientific study of which animals mate for life
05:55and which animals prefer hookups, okay?
05:56All I've done is I've spiced it up a bit and I've added a few personal anecdotes for,
06:01you know, to make me more relatable.
06:02Yeah, but that's what worries me, because what if me and Dad find it a little bit too relatable?
06:05Yeah, well, if a 500-page book on gibbon sex is too relatable,
06:08might I suggest it's not the gibbons that are the problem?
06:10Also, why didn't you tell me that Joe is stalking you?
06:13What?
06:15What?
06:16Jesus Christ!
06:17Do you want me to say something?
06:18No, no, no, don't get involved.
06:19No, but I am already involved.
06:20She just looked at me.
06:20Let's do it again.
06:21Just don't, don't wave.
06:22Why don't you invite her to the book signing?
06:24Okay, please, my numbers.
06:25Because I'd rather put my balls in a blender.
06:26Okay, stay here and I'll go just, please stay, please.
06:44Do you like to cook?
06:46Love to cook.
06:47Oh, my goodness.
06:49Make a rather mean Spanish omelette, if I may say.
06:52Got the recipe off some monks in my travels in Valencia, which is Spain.
06:58Got some left over if you'd like to try.
07:00I don't do eggs.
07:02They stink.
07:03Oh.
07:03I notice your legs don't fit under the cooker.
07:06Inaccessible.
07:07Noted.
07:08Oh, that's fine.
07:08They don't really need to.
07:09I mean, I do most of the cooking.
07:12Happy to step in and be resident family chef.
07:16Order!
07:17I don't know why I said that.
07:19Well, actually, without going all trad wife,
07:21I would love to be able to cook for myself and my partner
07:25and I need a PA in order to do so.
07:30Client would like to use PA to woo partner with gastronomical persuasion.
07:39What? No.
07:40That's not...
07:41Two more hours added.
07:42Oh.
07:43Perfect.
07:44What about...
07:45Laundry.
07:46Taking out the rubbish.
07:47Groceries.
07:48Oh, well, my...
07:49Yeah.
07:49If you want to check under there, you'll find it powder fresh.
07:52I am on the bins once a day, men.
07:54Actually, Abe...
07:55And while ironing is considered by some to be a bit of a gendered sport...
07:58Abe.
07:58Yes?
07:59Sorry.
08:00While Abe is very happy to help, I have my PA to be able to help with household tasks
08:08and anything else that I need, including laundry.
08:11Oh, sure.
08:11Yeah, no, but it's just much easier for me just to step in and...
08:14And it's important that I share these tasks with my partner and I do so by having a PA.
08:25Right.
08:27Got it.
08:28No, absolutely.
08:29Sorry.
08:29It is all very equal.
08:31All balanced.
08:32All equal.
08:32And this one.
08:35Oh.
08:35Yeah.
08:36Oh.
08:38I think I'm just going to leave you to it.
08:39Great idea.
08:40Yeah.
08:41Thanks, love.
08:42Bye.
08:42Right.
08:43Up next, toileting.
08:55Oh, hi.
08:56Uh, I didn't see you there.
08:58Right.
08:59Okay.
08:59Well, I can feel you eye-fucking me from about five feet away.
09:02No.
09:03I was fully engrossed in this, um, um, seminal piece of literature, so...
09:10Can I please just ask you what you're doing here?
09:13Well, I tried calling.
09:14Yes, and I thought maybe eight ignored calls would probably send quite a clear message.
09:17So, if you don't mind, I'm actually halfway through enabling my mum's midlife crisis, so...
09:22It would be great if you could just...
09:23Mum, what are you doing?
09:24So...
09:24The Wanderer return.
09:26Hey.
09:27Don't worry.
09:27I've tried ghosting him too.
09:29Never works.
09:31Um, congrats on the, on the book.
09:33I mean, it's got even a cage on the cover.
09:35So, what shall I pay?
09:36How do you want it?
09:37Uh, to Joe?
09:37Oh, you don't have to do that.
09:38Or...
09:39Yeah, no, Joe's...
09:40Joe's great.
09:47Thank you, that's...
09:48Payment is at the till.
09:50So, Bug, my publisher wants me to meet some literary lesbians for some kind of highbrow
09:54hors d'oeuvre.
09:55Would you mind finishing the display?
09:58Sure, that sounds like a made-up event, but yeah, go hang out with your big lesbians.
10:02Joe, would you mind helping Levi?
10:04No, that won't be necessary.
10:05No, I'd be delighted.
10:07Great.
10:08Ah!
10:10Spicy.
10:35Great complete.
10:37So, obviously, I need help getting dressed and undressed.
10:42I can do that faster.
10:44I'll try again.
10:45Oh, God.
10:53I can also do a bouncy blow.
11:03Blackered bamboo.
11:05Two centimetres.
11:07Twenty-one by seventy-one.
11:08Now we bend at the knee.
11:11Back straight.
11:12Core engaged.
11:13Chest.
11:14Deep breaths, Ty.
11:19Yep.
11:20Yep.
11:21Yep.
11:22Yep.
11:23Yep.
11:24Yep.
11:24Thanks so much.
11:26Stay.
11:28Stay.
11:30Stay.
11:33OK.
11:34Question 29.
11:35Do you need support during copulation?
11:38Sorry, is that really necessary to know?
11:41Depends on whether you see copulation as a basic need.
11:44Some councils prefer to fund light bulbs being fitted.
11:47But, as you can see, I tend to challenge the status quo.
11:51Uh, well, yeah.
11:52Yeah, it's definitely a vital need for me.
11:54OK.
11:54And question 30.
11:55How does copulation occur?
11:57Uh, well, mainly from behind.
12:00I meant, do you need PA support?
12:02Oh.
12:04Um...
12:05Happy to help.
12:06Yeah, I mean, they're a very handsome couple.
12:10So, all hands on deck if...
12:12Uh, I just need Ty kind of before the act.
12:16Yeah.
12:16To prepare for the copulation.
12:18Uh, and after.
12:19And after.
12:21Yeah.
12:22What happens after the copulation?
12:24Uh, well, I normally pop in after...
12:26I hear Abe snoring.
12:28It's often worth cracking a window.
12:31Informative.
12:32OK, Section 5, Mobility.
12:34Uh, can you open this drawer?
12:49People say everyone has a book inside of them.
12:53What do you think mine would be?
12:54I know you think it's really amusing to come in today, but I'm actually not doing this, Joe.
12:57OK, yours would be the Chronicles of a man-child.
13:01Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?
13:04You just, like, disappear without a trace, and then suddenly I find out you're hanging out with Freya.
13:08OK, I don't know what to tell you.
13:12I'm sorry for being a massive asshole.
13:15Size is irrelevant when it comes to being an asshole.
13:17OK, look, I was overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do or say, so then I just, like...
13:21I don't care anymore, Joe. I'm not interested.
13:23OK, but I haven't had a chance to tell you...
13:28Tell me what?
13:29Huh?
13:31Excuse me.
13:32I'm sorry.
13:33I haven't had a chance to...
13:38tell you...
13:40Sorry, guys.
13:42Excuse me.
13:44Clearly nothing of importance.
13:45Great chat, Joe. See you never.
13:50And how often do you use the stairs?
13:52Seriously?
13:54No, I mean, obviously never. You've seen my notes.
13:57Yeah, it's just Abe's nine cave up there.
14:00Downstairs is where the party's at.
14:02Have you walked much this year?
14:04What?
14:05No.
14:06Still not walking.
14:07So obviously no.
14:09She's just rolling through life like a champ, aren't you, girl?
14:11Any dementia?
14:13No.
14:13No.
14:15Advanced Alzheimer's?
14:16No.
14:17Are you nonverbal autistic?
14:19I mean, clearly not.
14:22So no serious cognitive disabilities?
14:24What the hell? I mean, we've been talking for the last four hours.
14:28Is that a no?
14:29Yes, it's a no.
14:31See, that's actually quite unclear.
14:35No.
14:37OK.
14:401,300 hours, assessment ends.
14:42I cannot reveal the outcome of the assessment, but my recommendation is that the number of hours you claim for
14:47your PA remain the same.
14:55Sorry, happy tears.
14:57Can I have a private word?
14:58Yeah, absolutely.
15:00With Freya.
15:08Is that an engagement ring?
15:11Let me guess. You're not a fan of love?
15:14Not when it means you lose half your funding.
15:16Sorry, what?
15:17If you're married, the law sees aid with someone to aid you.
15:21I don't see how wearing a ring on my finger changes the way that I navigate my life with a
15:25PA.
15:26I mean, my needs are still going to be the same.
15:28Unless your husband dies, in which case we would re-evaluate the situation.
15:32But as your husband-to-be isn't currently dead, he is considered your primary caregiver.
15:37I hate all of this.
15:38Permission to speak freely?
15:40Permission granted.
15:42Look, it's clear you're very capable, but this house, this situation, it disables you.
15:49What does that mean?
15:51It means you might want to find somewhere else to live.
15:53And think about putting your autonomy first.
16:00I was in love once.
16:02Didn't end so well.
16:04I'm so sorry.
16:05Yeah.
16:06Ten actually didn't feel the same.
16:07There were restraining orders.
16:09It got messy.
16:13I'll see myself out.
16:27Hey.
16:28Oh, hey, motherfucker.
16:29I really need to talk to you.
16:30Oh, snap.
16:31Um, where are you?
16:33I mean, I don't know what the fuck to do.
16:37I'm obviously not going to cancel the wedding.
16:39But you know how Abe feels about the house?
16:41He's never going to sell.
16:42Yeah.
16:43I mean, his repressed British sadness seeps through the brickwork.
16:47Not helpful.
16:48Look, I mean, maybe finding somewhere new isn't the worst idea.
16:50Don't all newlyweds buy, renovate, and then divorce?
16:54Maybe.
16:56Sorry, I haven't even asked how you are.
16:59Uh, no, it's fine.
17:00Let's just keep on unraveling your domestic neurosis.
17:02That is way more fun.
17:03Wait a sec.
17:05You're avoiding saying something vulnerable.
17:07No.
17:09Oh, it's about Levi.
17:14You want to get back together with him.
17:15Oh, I hate it when you do that.
17:18Fuck, Jo.
17:18Okay, look, I know.
17:20I don't want it to be a thing, but it kind of is a thing.
17:23And like, I don't know, it's kind of gross, but we sort of fit in a fucked up way.
17:29Have you talked to him about this?
17:31I have tried.
17:33Okay, look, as disgusting as I find it, if you're going to betray me, at least you're doing it with
17:39meaning and my consent.
17:41But you really need to talk to him.
17:44Or we could just get shit-faced.
17:46Fuck yeah.
17:47Yeah.
17:48But you have to come with me tonight.
17:50No.
17:51Hey, boy.
17:53Oh.
17:57So, any nerves about the big day?
17:59No, second time around. You don't really sweat the small stuff.
18:02What?
18:03No, I mean Mum's book launch.
18:04Oh.
18:05Oh, no, no, not at all.
18:07No, I'm happy for her.
18:08Look at this.
18:09Has she gone from niche academia to writing a big proper book?
18:12Yeah.
18:13Even if said book really draws from her own life experiences.
18:21I think after all these years there's nothing your mother could say that would surprise me.
18:47Oh, we'd meet around the side of the house.
18:50Didn't always make it to the shed.
18:53My buttocks would bleed on the brickwork.
18:56I'd bite my fist to keep from crying out.
18:59This went on for years.
19:02Humans are animals and monogamy is the exception, not the rule in the animal kingdom.
19:08Lions form haremes.
19:10Dolphins are bisexual and have many, many partners.
19:14Some species, sure, are socially monogamous to rear offspring like gibbons, grey wolves,
19:22dick dicks and seahorses and albatross and termites.
19:32Marriage wasn't made for love.
19:34It was made for power and control.
19:38The moment a woman says, I do, she enters a story she didn't write.
19:42The ring may be gold and the cage invisible, but it is definitely there and it is made of steel.
19:51So this may be a warning.
19:53So excuse me.
19:54A message of hope.
19:55Excuse me.
19:56Oh my god!
20:05So embarrassing.
20:06It's fine.
20:07It's so far from being fine.
20:09What if Jane's right?
20:09What, that we're all poly super sluts and so are dolphins?
20:12Obviously.
20:14No, that I could lose all my funding and be caged with a man and be dependent on him,
20:17which is really dangerous in the animal kingdom.
20:19Okay, Freya, what do you want to do?
20:22You want to move out?
20:23You want to call off the wedding?
20:24Because frankly I'm getting a little tired of your excuses as to why you don't want to get married.
20:30And I wish you all the best with the polyamory.
20:32Thanks.
20:32I hope it goes well.
20:33Bye.
20:36What was that?
20:38Was it an interrupted reading of my book?
20:41You, you, you wanted to do this?
20:44I had to find that out in public?
20:46Who are you?
20:47Oh.
20:49Was it compost, Colin?
20:50Okay.
20:50So I told you to read it and I told you to read it all the way through.
20:53I'm guessing you didn't.
20:54Why was that?
20:55The very next paragraph says I didn't go through with it.
20:57It was just an affair of the mind.
20:59Of the mind?
21:00Yes.
21:01It was a, it was a fantasy.
21:02That was the whole, don't look at me like that.
21:05Everybody does it.
21:06So you didn't actually?
21:07No.
21:07Oh, Jesus.
21:08Jane.
21:09I mean, maybe start with that.
21:10No, because my publicist said that the scandal bit was the hook and she was right.
21:15Look, it's working.
21:26Jane, this, this is a distorted, unfair, wholly biased version of anything you and I ever had
21:33together.
21:33And Colin was like five foot four for fuck's sake.
21:36Used to wear those stupid little loafers.
21:38I'm five foot four and I wear stupid loafers.
21:40I'm sorry you find it so threatening.
21:41Used to call him tassel toes.
21:43Well, that's not what I used to call him in my mind.
21:45Gross.
21:46Listen, Abe, this is your shit.
21:48I sent you the PDFs and I changed the names.
21:51So, do you want me to sign this?
21:53Who shall I sign it to?
21:55Well, Gabe.
21:56Yeah.
21:56Okay.
21:57You literally changed one letter.
21:59To Gabe, fuck off.
22:02Jane.
22:02You know, I do have deep respect for these very complicated emotions you're having around
22:07my book, but if you'll see that there is actually an exceptionally long line of people
22:10who are interested in reading it.
22:12So.
22:13You're a very rude person.
22:15Don't give a shit.
22:23That must have been hard.
22:25Oh, yeah.
22:26Not sure I'm ever going to really get hard again.
22:31Hey, uh, Levi.
22:33I, um, I'm so sorry.
22:35I'm so shit at expressing myself.
22:37I do feel that, like, after six glasses of champagne it might be easier.
22:41So.
22:42I miss you.
22:43I thought about you all the time and I just didn't know what to do.
22:46And so, yeah.
22:47There.
22:47You go.
22:48I just, I said it.
22:49So, yeah.
22:50Okay.
22:50Um, well, um, that was very nice to hear, Jo.
22:54Do you think that, like, we could spend some time on that?
22:56What I think is that, uh, you make me feel like shit and it's not good for me.
23:03You know?
23:05Um, and that means, therefore, you're not good for me.
23:08And, um, because of that, I think it's probably best that we just, uh, we just see each other around.
23:16So, um, it's been fun.
23:25Hey!
23:28The twat had his light on.
23:29I just drove straight past him.
23:31Abe-less bastard.
23:33I need to talk to you about something.
23:35Well, yeah.
23:36Don't worry about knocking over the book display.
23:37It's a welcome distraction, if anything.
23:42Abe, that must have been so difficult for you.
23:46Hmm.
23:47But honestly?
23:49Fuck it.
23:51Yeah.
23:52Fuck it.
23:53Fuck it.
23:54Fuck it.
23:56Fuck it.
23:57Fuck it.
23:58Fuck it.
23:59Okay, Abe.
23:59You're glitching.
24:01There's something else I need to talk to you about.
24:04What's up?
24:06Love's up.
24:11Love's up.
24:14Let's go.
24:25Love's up.
24:27I'm gonna go.
24:36I'm serious, Joe. I can't do this.
24:40Having my funding taken away is one thing, but becoming reliant on you for everything?
24:47I mean, I don't want that for either of us, do you?
24:52It isn't ideal.
24:54No shit.
24:55But, we will figure it out. I mean, that's what we do, right?
25:03So, um, what's the solution?
25:07I don't have a solution right this second.
25:10Great.
25:11But, I love you. And you know I'll do anything to make you happy.
25:18Anything?
25:22I need you to sell the house.
25:28I don't think I can do that.
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