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00:08Please, welcome to the stage, Joe Zimmerman!
00:24Thank you, thank you, thank you, Asheville.
00:27Best crowds in the world right here in Asheville, North Carolina.
00:33And I say that everywhere I go.
00:36I was just in Atlanta, I was like, best crowds in the world,
00:40Asheville, North Carolina.
00:42That's right.
00:45They're like, why would you tell us that?
00:46It's just the truth, you know?
00:48So it's good to finally be here,
00:51where I'm not immediately booed for what I have to say.
00:59So nice to be here, I love Asheville.
01:02It's the only place where I've seen a redneck and a hippie
01:05and it's the same person.
01:07You know what I mean?
01:10Like, is that a tie-dye gun holster?
01:16I think the drum circle just played Free Bird.
01:20Wow.
01:21Feels good, feels nice.
01:26I've been told I give off the energy of an emotional support animal.
01:32Which is unfortunate because I am going full throttle.
01:36This is a thousand percent of my energy.
01:39Very excited.
01:42So I hope you all will match my energy with significantly more energy than me.
01:49See a lot of familiar faces.
01:53Some friendly faces.
01:55Couple haters, but a lot of friendly faces.
02:00Um, I saw some people rolling in late.
02:04I, uh, I'm a late person myself and the early people do not like us.
02:09The early people say, you being late means you don't respect my time.
02:13Which is such an early person thing to say.
02:18Like, me being late has anything to do with you.
02:24I'm not late because I don't respect your time.
02:26I'm late because I was doing something more important.
02:32I was showering for a long time and I forgot you existed.
02:38Briefly. Just briefly.
02:40But I respect you.
02:45My dad will show up an hour early and text,
02:49here, no rush, which should be illegal.
02:54That is a devastating text to receive.
02:59But, um, I had a, uh, I had a good pandemic.
03:02I got into...
03:04Yeah.
03:07Wasn't for everyone, but, uh...
03:14Yeah, I got into sports gambling over the pandemic.
03:17And...
03:19A lot of people say that's addictive,
03:21but to me it's just kind of a rush like no other.
03:30It's not addictive.
03:31I mean, sure, sometimes I'll engage in short-term stimulus
03:34despite long-term adverse results.
03:38It's not addictive.
03:39It's just something that engages my mind night and day
03:41and ruins my relationships.
03:46I finally called one of those 1-800-GAMBLER numbers.
03:50They were like, I bet you won't quit.
03:51I was like, you're on.
03:55Lost 40 bucks, but...
04:02I really started messing around with early bedtime,
04:04and that is addictive.
04:09Start cozying up at 10, you're like, where's this been?
04:1410 is the gateway to 9.30.
04:21Next thing I know, I'm curling up at 8.45.
04:26Your friends are like, where you been, Joe?
04:28You're like, shh, busy.
04:32Super busy.
04:33I got good relationships and stuff.
04:378 p.m. is the overdose of early bedtime.
04:44That's when you've gone too far.
04:46You wake up three refreshed.
04:52Walk the streets in the night with the other addicts and criminals.
04:57Trying to make new friends.
04:59Looking in the coffee shop window.
05:02Two more hours.
05:05Maybe I can help them open.
05:12Weed was legalized in New York City,
05:14and I finally started trying weed gummies.
05:17I think I'm the only person that's like,
05:19sure, I'll do weed as long as it's no longer cool.
05:26Weed gummies gateway into regular gummies.
05:33Yeah.
05:35Wow.
05:37They taste good.
05:38I forgot how good they taste.
05:42Now I'm eating weed gummies,
05:44regular gummies,
05:45vitamin gummies.
05:47I'm a gummy boy now.
05:49And it's tough.
05:51It's a lot of gummy.
05:55Doing a lot of gummies.
05:56And it is more fun to say you're doing gummy vitamins.
06:02Yeah, you want to come over?
06:04Do some C?
06:04We could do E.
06:09I got fish oil.
06:10Make your eyeballs slippery.
06:17We could do some supplements.
06:19GABA, tryptophan, melatonin.
06:21Get in bed at eight.
06:23Dude.
06:24Last time I took melatonin, I almost didn't wake up.
06:27That was nuts, dude.
06:30Love melatonin, dude.
06:35If marijuana is a real medicine,
06:38isn't it time for other medicines to step up the fun?
06:44Why don't we have antibiotic chocolates?
06:51Penicillin Sour Patch Kids?
06:55Get some Lipitor brownies.
06:57I don't know.
06:59Vape the vaccine.
07:01Going for the booster bomb.
07:02Johnson and joint.
07:03I'm just spitballing.
07:11Yeah, so, yeah, no.
07:13A lot of addictions, but otherwise pretty good.
07:17Pretty good.
07:20I got broken up with to my face, which I recommend,
07:23because a lot of people are being ghosted.
07:25Not me.
07:28Right to the dome.
07:33It's pretty sweet.
07:37People complain about being ghosted.
07:38I got ghosted again.
07:40What a jerk.
07:41I feel like they forget the opposite,
07:42is when somebody firmly tells you
07:45why they never want to see you again.
07:50And now that I've experienced both,
07:52have to say, ghosting might be underrated.
07:56Just a little.
07:59Sure, it's sad when somebody disappears,
08:01but you should try having your flaws expressed.
08:05By a woman named Beth.
08:09Over a hot cup of coffee.
08:14But, uh, she was very smart.
08:17PhD.
08:17She kept beating me at board games.
08:19I love game night.
08:19She beat me at Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, chess.
08:23On the fourth game night, I was like,
08:25I brought Hungry Hungry Hippo.
08:31I have a little two-handed flicking technique
08:34that is unstoppable.
08:38And I brought Uno.
08:40I'll teach you the language.
08:42And after that, we can arm wrestle.
08:48She did defeat me at those as well.
08:55I've heard that men are intimidated
08:56to date successful women.
08:58And what they don't mention is successful women
09:01less interested in dumb losers.
09:06What's up with that, ladies?
09:08That's a double standard.
09:12Give us a chance.
09:16But the biggest argument we got in,
09:18I'm embarrassed.
09:19She called me out for mansplaining,
09:21and I'm sure you guys know what that is.
09:23If you don't, I can't tell you.
09:31But it made me think long and hard about it,
09:33and I realized I wasn't explaining anything.
09:35We were just having a disagreement,
09:37and she didn't like what I was saying.
09:39And I do think that's the subtle difference now
09:41between a man speaking and a mansplaining
09:44is if you hate what he said.
09:49That's mansplaining.
09:53If you like what he's saying,
09:54that's just a nice man talking.
10:06And just for the sake of thought,
10:08I had to wonder about the exact opposite of mansplaining.
10:11I think it would be a woman asking questions
10:13that are impossible to answer.
10:17And she did that a lot.
10:18I just don't think we have a catchy phrase for it,
10:20like lady riddling.
10:30Or woman sphinxing.
10:36She asked me, who do you think's cuter,
10:38me or my cat?
10:42I was like, I thought we were gonna relax tonight.
10:47Now I gotta grind.
10:49And I'm looking at her.
10:51I'm looking at her cat.
10:52I can tell there's a lot of wrong answers.
10:59And I thought I solved it.
11:01I was like, you're both so cute.
11:05And she said, no, you have to pick.
11:09I'm like, what is the answer?
11:12Finally, I said, you're the cutest woman
11:14and your cat's the cutest cat?
11:16And she was like, that's correct.
11:18I was like, that was a close call.
11:23That was way closer than anyone realizes.
11:29I know there's wrong answers
11:31because we were watching her favorite show,
11:33Love Island Australia, one week earlier.
11:36And she said, who do you think's hotter,
11:38Courtney or Jess?
11:40And I'm like, I didn't even wanna be here.
11:46I don't even like Love Island.
11:47And now I gotta choose between the hottest 22 year old.
11:54And I said, Courtney, and that was incorrect.
12:02For a month, she was like, yeah,
12:05you think Courtney would like that?
12:12Yeah, you think Courtney would like that?
12:17God.
12:20I failed that test.
12:25She could never understand why I don't like Love Island.
12:28I just can't get myself to care about the relationships
12:31of strangers.
12:33I have trouble caring about my friends' relationships.
12:37I asked my buddy Tom if he was ever open to having kids.
12:40He was like, I have a nine and a seven year old.
12:42I'm like, okay.
12:47So you're open to it.
12:50Thanks for the gossip.
12:54But I have learned something important from dating.
12:57I've learned the best three questions you can ask on a first date
12:59to get to know somebody.
13:01They are, who's your teenage crush?
13:03What will you name your firstborn child?
13:06And bank password.
13:10And for me, it's Matt Damon, Matt Damon, and Matt Damon too.
13:15So that's just me.
13:19I'm flirting now.
13:23No, I do wish I was friends with Matt Damon.
13:27I very much wish that.
13:31It was so much easier to make friends when you're a kid, right?
13:34I remember when I was six, Craig moved in next door.
13:36He was six.
13:37We were both just like, oh, age and proximity.
13:40That's all we need.
13:42Best friends for life.
13:44Some guy my age moves in next door to me now.
13:48I'm like, if this guy talks to me, I will be furious.
14:01It's so easy to hang out when you're a kid.
14:02You just invite him over to play.
14:04You don't even have to be specific.
14:06He always comes over.
14:07We always have a great time.
14:09And we're always mad to be called for dinner.
14:11Do you remember liking life that much?
14:15That you're annoyed about dinner?
14:19Always asking to be excused.
14:20Please, can I go back to my life?
14:23How much eating do we have to do in this house?
14:28Kids hate meals and bedtime.
14:31That's all I have now.
14:39Right?
14:39I call those the big two.
14:45And if I ever do hang out with another male friend now,
14:48it's never playful anymore.
14:50It's always like, hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
14:52You want to get together and eat?
14:57We could, like, talk and eat.
15:01Best case scenario, there's a big game on TV.
15:03We don't even have to speak.
15:06We can just watch other men playing.
15:12They're playing well.
15:13I love that.
15:16Don't you love it when our favorite men play well?
15:22They always play better when they play together, huh?
15:27That play was unbelievable.
15:29Let's touch hands.
15:33That was so nice.
15:38Maybe after this, we could play.
15:41Yeah, no, you're right.
15:42We ate a lot.
15:45Sleep would be incredible.
15:46You're always right.
15:48You're my best friend.
15:51I'll see you again in two years.
16:00Sometimes I don't think we give kids enough credit
16:02for how traumatic grade school is.
16:05Remember sixth grade, phys ed,
16:07run a seven-minute mile in street clothes?
16:11And then just straight to math.
16:18Shouldn't have worn hiking boots today.
16:23Smells like a locker room in here.
16:27You kids ready to learn about parabolas?
16:31My heart rate is parabolic.
16:36Recess is right after lunch
16:38because that's how digestion works.
16:41Yeah.
16:42Yeah, now that you've had spaghetti with milk.
16:52Seems like a good time to go run around in a parking lot.
17:02They all puked again.
17:05Good thing we have our one janitor.
17:13I think if I'd live one day on a grade school schedule,
17:17it would be the worst day of my adult life.
17:20Starting the day at 6 a.m. standing on a street corner.
17:25In the rain.
17:28Waiting on a bus with no seat belts or schedule.
17:35Jostles you to homeroom.
17:37That's your coffee is the jostle.
17:41Homeroom, you're not allowed to speak.
17:42No phones.
17:43No music.
17:44No gum.
17:45Do I have any human rights?
17:48No speaking.
17:51Now pledge your loyalty to your country.
17:57Go on, pledge how much you love America.
18:02I'm seven.
18:06And admit that there's a God.
18:08Admit that there's one God.
18:09Go ahead.
18:12My parents are agnostic.
18:16Well, I won't tell them.
18:17Go ahead. Admit that there's one God.
18:18And you can say it quiet.
18:23All right.
18:23You're free to go to first period U.S. history
18:25as taught by the JV football coach.
18:34Enjoy his unique perspective.
18:40A lot of hot takes on the Constitution.
18:42A lot of gun stuff in the pop quiz.
18:49Old Coach Hines.
18:53Coach Hines.
18:54He would time you for getting water.
18:57Kids stand in line and he would go,
18:59one, two, three, time.
19:03That's all the water you get as a child.
19:07It's a fast three seconds.
19:10I think kids are going through school dehydrated.
19:14If he liked you, he'd go, one, two, three, and time.
19:21That's if he liked you.
19:29Yeah.
19:30I wish I had spent more time learning.
19:33I wish I had learned more in science class
19:37because now I really like the science headlines.
19:39I saw that James Webb Telescope came out
19:42and, like, Hubble Telescope is old news now, you know?
19:45Hubble Telescope's a piece of crap compared to James Webb.
19:49And as soon as they came out with the first images,
19:51there was a headline that said,
19:53the universe bigger than previously thought.
20:00And I feel like we could have seen that coming.
20:05I'll be more impressed when there's a new telescope
20:07and they're like, we overshot it.
20:13It's pretty reasonably sized.
20:15We feel bad about our last estimates.
20:21I like the science studies
20:23because I feel like half of scientists
20:24are trying to save the world with climate change,
20:27cure cancer,
20:28and the other half of scientists are like,
20:30I wonder if orangutans can play pickleball.
20:37No, they can't.
20:41How about bonobos?
20:44No.
20:46They're kind of playing soccer, though.
20:50Let's publish it.
20:55But it always made me wonder about primatologists,
20:58monkey scientists, like,
20:59smartest in your class, high school,
21:01smartest in college, best in your PhD program,
21:04and then the rest of your career,
21:06you're like, bongo, no biting.
21:12Don't you dare pull the fire alarm, Bubbles.
21:15No bubbles.
21:18Bubbles.
21:19I love you, too.
21:28I love you, too, Bubbles.
21:34Apparently, uh...
21:35Apparently, they struggled to figure out
21:37why depression evolved in humans
21:39because it just didn't make sense to them,
21:41and then they figured it out.
21:42A study shows that sad people
21:45are better at predicting future outcomes.
21:48So if you feel bad,
21:50you're correct.
21:52Mm-hmm.
21:54You sure are.
21:57But don't let that make you feel good
21:59because happy people delusional about the future.
22:07So if you're happy,
22:08and that makes you feel bad, good.
22:10You just got a little smarter.
22:15I guarantee it was a depressed person
22:17that was the first person to figure out
22:18to play dead for a bear.
22:25All his optimistic friends are climbing trees.
22:28We can make it!
22:30He's like, I'm just gonna let him take me.
22:36It's fine.
22:37It's fine, guys.
22:38I'll take this one for the team.
22:41Go ahead, Bear.
22:44Just sniffs at him and goes and kills all his friends.
22:53And depression passes on to the next generation.
23:03Like, how do you think to play dead for a bear?
23:06I was just being myself.
23:10You know?
23:14Alarm clock at 8 p.m.
23:23Time for bedtime.
23:34He's like, let's set it for eight
23:36so we know when to get the hell out of there.
23:38Start winding down.
23:42That's your melatonin timer, isn't it?
23:51I had a big birthday last year.
23:54I am born in October.
23:56Scorpio.
23:57And people have bad...
23:58People have bad impressions of Scorpios.
24:01They say things like,
24:02Scorpios are full of revenge and jealousy.
24:05They've been saying that to me since I was seven.
24:11They're like, you're wild in the sack.
24:13You're like, am I?
24:23And then you just grow into it, you know?
24:29But I'm tired of horoscope prejudice.
24:32I am tired of it.
24:33And one thing you can do is you can write...
24:35I wrote down an evil historical figure
24:38for all of the other 11 star signs.
24:42So then when they give me guff,
24:43I can be like, oh, and you're a Capricorn?
24:46Those are good.
24:47Kim Jong-un is a Capricorn.
24:50So that's a good one.
24:54Good for you.
24:55Way better than me.
25:01What's your horoscope, sir?
25:03Gemini.
25:04Gemini.
25:05Right on.
25:07Let me see what we got here.
25:12Gemini.
25:13Ever heard of...
25:17Jeffrey Dahmer?
25:24Watch out for this guy.
25:26How about you, sir?
25:27What's your star sign?
25:29Aries.
25:31Kim Jong-un's dad.
25:39And Logan Paul.
25:41Ouch.
25:42That hurts.
25:44That one stings.
25:47Anybody feel like you have a perfect horoscope?
25:50I see a hand over here.
25:52Leo.
25:53Leo.
25:54Known for seeking attention.
26:03First hand up, just like Hermione in charms.
26:17Uh, Mussolini.
26:19And...
26:22Roman Polanski.
26:23Watch out for her.
26:28I saw another hand right behind her.
26:31Yeah, we're Leos, too.
26:32We're Leos.
26:32Oh, yeah.
26:33Both.
26:34Both the Leos.
26:39Not one other hand in the room.
26:44Oh.
26:48That's beautiful.
26:51Horoscopes, they're so real, right?
26:54They're kind of true if you, like, think about it.
27:01Something to it.
27:04Yeah, it's because people have been telling them they want attention since they're five years old.
27:09Oh, okay.
27:10I guess I do.
27:15We'll do one more.
27:18One more.
27:19Okay, how about you, sir?
27:21Aquarius.
27:22Aquarius.
27:23Rare.
27:24One in twelve.
27:29Very rare.
27:37Jeff Epstein.
27:47Watch out for that guy.
28:00Yeah.
28:01Yeah, I don't feel old, but I did recently identify a bird, and that doesn't seem good.
28:13Is that a whippoorwill?
28:17Why do I care?
28:20And why do I have binoculars?
28:25I got into bird watching over the pandemic, went down to Central Park.
28:28At first I did it ironically.
28:29I was like, I'm so alone.
28:34Two hours later, I'm like, Martha, look at that owl.
28:40Gorgeous.
28:43She's like, that's a robin.
28:44And I'm like, I'm new.
28:47New kid on the block.
28:49But that is gorgeous.
28:53And I actually met a professional bird watcher.
28:55He gives birding tours.
28:56And I said, that sounds like a fun job.
28:58And he goes, well, you get a lot of egos.
29:07In bird watching?
29:11And he explained that people will brag about how many birds they've identified in their career.
29:15And the best part is how they verify they've seen a bird is they just say that they did.
29:24So I've seen every bird. Prove I have it.
29:27All 10,000.
29:29Oh yeah?
29:30Where'd you see the cinnamon-breasted toady tyrant?
29:35Asheville.
29:37They only live in Tasmania.
29:39Yeah, I was surprised.
29:44I was like, weird, here?
29:47Check.
29:53But if you ever meet an arrogant birder, you could actually have more fun if you went too low with
29:57your number.
29:58If they're bragging, just be like, I've only seen two.
30:06Well, you've seen more than two birds.
30:08I wish.
30:15Yeah, it's just been pigeons and crows for me.
30:20Super bad at it.
30:25How long have you been bird watching?
30:27Four years.
30:32I don't know if I'm looking in the wrong places or what.
30:35I've seen chicken nuggets, but that doesn't count.
30:38I know.
30:44I like what PETA's doing.
30:45They're trying to remove animal violence from figures of speech.
30:48They want us to stop saying, kill two birds with one stone.
30:51And they want us to replace it with feed two birds with one scone.
30:59And that's so sweet.
31:01And I could almost see it meaning sort of the same thing.
31:05And I want all of us to implement it immediately.
31:10The next chance you have.
31:11No explanation.
31:12Hey, while you're grabbing gas, could you grab some milk as well?
31:15Feed two birds with one scone.
31:22What?
31:25Just grab some milk with the gas, would you?
31:28Two birds, one scone.
31:33But birds, a lot of them are gluten intolerant.
31:36So if you feed two birds, one scone, you could kill two birds with one scone.
31:42Yeah.
31:46The violence remains.
31:51And I spend a lot of time in coffee shops.
31:53I know I didn't need to say that out loud to you, but I do.
31:58And scones will get rock hard about two hours after they were fresh.
32:02So you could even kill two birds with one scone, stone style as well.
32:10There's more than one way to skin a cat.
32:14I mean, pet a cat.
32:16More than one way to pet a cat.
32:18This way and that.
32:22Tail and back.
32:25Whiskers.
32:28You can kill a bunch of birds if you have one cat.
32:34You sure can.
32:37You sure can.
32:42I was just in Arizona and somebody told me to go see the petroglyphs.
32:45I didn't know what those are.
32:46We get out there.
32:47They're these ancient rock drawings and there's a plaque that says,
32:50unfortunately, there's no way to translate what these mean today.
32:54However, this little squiggle might be a snake.
32:57And you're like, yeah, I could see that.
33:00And then they go, and this little circle might be a portal into another world.
33:10Wow, you really took some liberties on that one.
33:16No way to translate, but you're going to guess portal off of that.
33:22Okay.
33:24You're not going to guess that they were drawing a circle or the sun.
33:28Portal.
33:29All right.
33:31And this lady, I didn't see her standing right behind me.
33:34And she goes, don't you wish we could take a time machine and ask them what they really meant?
33:38And I think that's why I don't love talking to strangers.
33:47Because you have to be polite.
33:49You can't be honest and be like, actually, that would be a dumb reason to time travel.
33:56Spend trillions of dollars on fuel.
33:59Hey, we're here from the future.
34:00Me and this lady.
34:02We were...
34:05We were so curious about this rock doodle.
34:10That you did on this rock.
34:14Is that a snake?
34:16We're from the future.
34:21I was trying to draw a worm.
34:25It's a worm.
34:28Good thing we time traveled, Martha.
34:32Well, we're going to head back to our time machine.
34:35Right through this circle.
34:37He's like, whoa.
34:41Cool portal.
34:44Wow.
34:45Wrong about the snake, right about the portal.
34:47Didn't see that coming, Plot.
34:48Didn't see it coming.
34:53Anytime time travel comes up, it's always a short walk to the baby Hitler paradox.
34:59Some of you familiar?
35:01It's the ethical debate.
35:03The ethical debate.
35:04Would it be better to, if you time traveled back to the moment Hitler was a baby,
35:09would it be better to kill baby Hitler or let him live?
35:12Classic ethical paradox.
35:14What would you do, sir?
35:26It's Hitler.
35:27You can save a lot of people.
35:29Kill the baby.
35:30Kill the baby.
35:31You're going to kill the baby?
35:32Kill the baby.
35:32Yeah.
35:33Okay.
35:33That's fine.
35:34That's a fine answer.
35:35Now, you saved a lot of people.
35:38But it is a baby and we do need to know how you would do it.
35:46You're a time-traveling assassin.
35:48You gotta kill this baby.
35:51How do you do it?
35:52I think about a time machine I'd get a seat further back.
35:55Oh, yeah.
36:01I don't understand why you wouldn't want to field this question, sir.
36:08He's requested to move back further into the crowd where we will still follow up on the question.
36:18No, it's cool.
36:20It's just a special.
36:22It's just a special.
36:25It's just a special.
36:26It's just my first ever one-hour special.
36:36Pretty much the fate of it rests on you now.
36:45If you have a good answer, it's going to a big platform.
36:51If you don't answer, it's going to Quibi.
37:01What would you do?
37:03Sorry, what's the question?
37:04How would you kill a baby?
37:07Gosh.
37:09It's not that complicated.
37:14If I was the time-traveling assassin, I don't think I would be able to kill a baby.
37:19And that's fine if you would kill a baby.
37:21I just don't think I would be able to.
37:24That's just me.
37:27But I do think I would panic and bring it back to the time machine.
37:30Show up in the present.
37:32They're like, why do you have a baby?
37:33I'm like, it's Hitler.
37:37Who's Hitler?
37:38I'm like, it worked.
37:46And now I just have baby Hitler.
37:49Is this why I never had kids?
37:50Was I meant to raise Hitler in the 21st century?
37:57I would try so hard to teach him to love.
38:00Find out if it's nature or nurture once and for all.
38:04He grows up, goes off to art school.
38:06I'm like, I'm so proud of you, baby Hitler.
38:08I still call him that.
38:13He calls me.
38:14He's like, I fell in love.
38:15I'm like, that-a-way, baby.
38:18Love wins.
38:19I guess it is.
38:21Nurture over nature.
38:23A couple years later, he's like,
38:25she dumped me for a rabbi.
38:26I hate Jews.
38:27I'm like, easy Hitler.
38:32Kanye was right.
38:34No, boy.
38:37That is not what we teach in the Zimmerman household.
38:44I'm actually not Jewish.
38:45A lot of people ask me if I'm Jewish
38:46because of my last name.
38:47I'm not.
38:48And that is something I would mention to Hitler,
38:50just as a precaution.
38:58I didn't, yeah, I didn't grow up with any real religion.
39:02My grandparents were super Christian,
39:04and my grandma, one of the first Christmases I can remember,
39:07she gave me one of the illustrated Bibles,
39:11all the greatest hits.
39:12You know the ones.
39:14Adam and Eve, the origin story of food shaming.
39:22I know when I eat apples,
39:23I'll smother them in peanut butter and honey.
39:26And afterwards, sometimes I'm like,
39:28I need to put clothes on.
39:30That was bad.
39:33That was naughty.
39:36I don't deserve happiness.
39:41But my favorite as a kid was always David and Goliath,
39:44because, you know, a little boy beats a giant.
39:46That's awesome.
39:48And looking back,
39:49that teaches a great lesson to kids,
39:52which is if your opponent is stronger than you,
39:54shoot them in the head.
40:01from a safe distance when they were not expecting it.
40:09Was that a fair fight, David, or a murder?
40:11I'm not sure.
40:13I'm not sure you can be the underdog if you're doing drive-bys.
40:19What'd you learn on that one, Joey?
40:20I learned that ranged weapons always defeat melee.
40:24Good.
40:34Speaking of royalty, I don't have an issue with Prince Harry,
40:39but I'm starting to have an issue with how much I keep hearing
40:42about Prince Harry.
40:43So I'm starting to have an issue with Prince Harry.
40:46And he said he was leaving the royal family for privacy.
40:51Head's words.
40:54But ever since he's moved,
40:57all he's done is do a Netflix reality TV series,
41:00a tell-all book, and now a Spotify podcast.
41:03Not the most privet activities, Harry.
41:07To the tune of a hundred million dollars.
41:10And his book should have talked about how awesome it is to be the Prince.
41:14How awesome it is to have everything,
41:16get any private jets,
41:18any backstage passes you want.
41:20But the mistake he made
41:22was he was kind of whiny in the book.
41:24He was like, my brother was mean to me.
41:29He pushed me.
41:31And he hung out with his friends.
41:34Sounds like you have a normal older brother.
41:40And people feel bad for him.
41:42They're like,
41:43they're like, he was born into a job.
41:45He was born into an institution.
41:46Every human is born into a job.
41:49He's the only one born into a job where you don't have to do a job.
41:55And when he moved to Hollywood, was it hard?
41:57No.
41:58I have a friend that moved to L.A.
41:59and lived in a Walmart parking lot in his car.
42:03And after a year,
42:04he moved back to Sevierville, Tennessee with his parents.
42:09People should feel bad for Douglas.
42:14But do they?
42:15No, they do not.
42:16They make fun of Douglas.
42:18They're like, I can't believe you thought you'd make it.
42:20He's like, I know, I suck.
42:25Prince Harry moved to L.A.
42:28Oprah hooked him up with Tyler Perry's mansion.
42:32Which is a Tyler Perry movie I would like to see.
42:37With Prince Harry played by Tyler Perry.
42:42Meghan played by Tyler Perry.
42:46Oprah, Tyler Perry.
42:49Tyler Perry played by Idris Elba.
42:57And Princess Kate played by Meghan Markle.
43:01She's a solid actress.
43:05And Prince William played by Matt Damon.
43:12Call it Trading Places 3 Madea Tech Sussex.
43:20I saw that R. Kelly was arrested after an FBI agent watched his Lifetime docuseries.
43:27And it made me wonder, is the FBI finding out about crime the same way I am?
43:35Just friend referrals on what's bingeable.
43:40Should we arrest Robert Durst?
43:42Let's look at the tomato meter first.
43:45Yeah, he's doing well.
43:48I have a friend that watches murder documentaries
43:50because she said it'll help her avoid murderers.
43:55But I feel like murderers are also watching murder docs.
43:59Or as they call them, tutorials.
44:05And because we're in North Carolina, I want to ask you about the most interesting murder doc I'm aware of.
44:10The Staircase. Are you familiar?
44:14Happened in the Durham area.
44:16There's a documentary.
44:17And how many of you have heard of the owl theory?
44:20Love it.
44:20Yes.
44:21A bunch of you.
44:22Right on.
44:23Yeah.
44:24It kind of combines birds and murder docs, so it's like really right up my alley.
44:32Basically, if you watch the Staircase documentary, this husband goes to jail,
44:37even though there's really no motive, no murder weapon, no evidence.
44:44There's no evidence.
44:45The whole trial, the prosecuting lawyer is just like, I mean, he is the husband.
44:53And the jury's like, yeah, he does seem like he's the husband.
45:00And the judge is like, husband.
45:04Send him away.
45:06And the neighbor first put out the owl theory, which is that there's an owl.
45:13That sounds crazy, right?
45:14That an owl did it.
45:16Until you hear the evidence.
45:17There was an owl that hung out in their neighborhood all the time.
45:21Owl killings, though rare, have happened.
45:25In her hair, they found owl feathers.
45:28And on her hands, traces of owl feathers.
45:31The murder scratches matched talons.
45:35And it happened at night.
45:37That's owl time.
45:40But this local detective was like, owl feathers, talon marks.
45:46Husband.
45:51She could be attacked by a shark and people would be like, how do you think he pulled that off?
45:58You think he dressed as a shark or?
46:00I never liked that guy.
46:03But as an avid bird watcher, it made me wonder.
46:09If you killed doing something you love, would that take the sting off just a little bit?
46:15Seeing birds you've never seen before.
46:17Wow, a barred owl.
46:19And it's looking right at me.
46:22Let me see those binoculars.
46:23That's not a barred owl.
46:25That's a great horned owl.
46:26No, it's not, Frank.
46:28Don't mansplain owls to me.
46:31You can hear from its distinctive barred owl call.
46:35Who cooks for you?
46:39Listen.
46:39Who cooks for y'all?
46:41Hear that?
46:44No, it's not.
46:45It's doing the distinctive great horned call.
46:47It's saying, who's awake me to?
46:52Frank, do you know one thing about birds?
46:55If you, how did the owl strikes?
46:57He strikes.
46:58They both did it.
46:59They were in cahoots.
47:00I said it.
47:01They were in cahoots.
47:04Send them to Alcatraz.
47:06I had to say it.
47:07I had to say it.
47:10You notice that groan?
47:13Please note that groan as evidence.
47:17Because after every show, some guy will be like,
47:20dude, you should have said it was a whodunit.
47:24But if I say it's a whodunit, y'all hate me and groan.
47:28And then if I don't say it's a whodunit,
47:30four dads are like, man, missed opportunity.
47:35Oh, boy, if you thought of that, man,
47:38you would have blown the roof off the place.
47:41Whodunit, man.
47:44Go back to the writing board, man.
47:51Let's see.
47:53Did anybody else almost join a cult the last couple years?
47:57Almost join a cult.
48:00I was watching the HBO documentary about the Nixxiom cult.
48:05And I don't think HBO meant it as a recruiting tool.
48:11But they look like they're having a lot of fun up there,
48:14upstate New York.
48:16Their little bubble community playing volleyball.
48:19I'm like, how do I join y'all's cult?
48:22Sir, it's a self-help community.
48:24Well, I am brainwashed already.
48:26Sign me up.
48:28The most susceptible people to cults
48:30are overly trusting and seeking community.
48:33That's my Myers-Briggs.
48:38It's bad.
48:41But ultimately, I don't think I'd join a cult
48:43because I don't like doing chores.
48:46Which is why I was thinking maybe I'd start a cult,
48:48just get the gravy, and actually that's why you're here tonight.
48:51I am doing some recruiting.
48:55And follow me, I'll teach you the meaning of life,
48:58which is to do chores for me.
49:04But, you know, cult leaders have a horrible reputation,
49:07but we only ever hear about the charismatic ones that got famous.
49:11The ones that made it.
49:13You never hear about the other 10,000 guys that were like, follow me.
49:17And people were like, no, you're annoying, Derek.
49:21I'm like, aw.
49:23Guess I'll just keep selling potato chips.
49:29I didn't mean to roast potato chip salesmen on that one.
49:37I know I'm susceptible to cults because of the one time I went to Bikram Hot Yoga.
49:44After 10 minutes, I already finished my little coconut water,
49:47and I'm dizzy.
49:50I didn't realize how hot it got.
49:52I'm like, I'll just step outside.
49:55And as I get to the door, the instructor goes, hey, where are you going?
50:01And I'm so shocked to be called out in yoga that I was honest.
50:06I said, I'm going outside because I'm hot.
50:14He goes, I need you to stay here where I can see you so that I know you're okay.
50:25Okay, but I'm not okay.
50:32That's why I was leaving.
50:37But I can't say no to people.
50:39I struggle to say no.
50:40So I just returned to my mat, and I was like, I guess I'll just grind this out for 80
50:45more minutes.
50:48I made it 10 more minutes, and then I was definitely dehydrated.
50:53And I'm looking at the door.
50:55I'm like, I'm just going to make a run for it.
51:00I start gathering my things in Fake Downward Dog.
51:06He comes over, he goes, everything okay?
51:08I'm like, please let me leave.
51:14I'm an adult man.
51:19I'm paying you $12 to be here.
51:21I'll pay you $40 to let me go.
51:27And he said, if you're too hot, you can just lay down on your mat.
51:30You'll be fine.
51:31It'd be better for the rest of the class if you didn't leave.
51:34And I'm looking at the rest of the class.
51:35They're avoiding eye contact.
51:40So I just lay down for 70 more minutes, just so hot and so angry.
51:47I hope I die so this guy gets fired.
51:56I hope I die loudly so it's worse for the class.
52:03Just furiously obedient.
52:09The class ended.
52:11I was fine, unfortunately.
52:13But I went home and looked up Bikram.
52:17They're trained not to let anybody leave,
52:19because once one person leaves, everyone will leave.
52:27And I recently learned it went bankrupt, so I win.
52:34I hung in there for the win, yeah.
52:41So I have been told many times that I have a soothing voice.
52:45And so I thought it'd be nice to do some soothing affirmations
52:49to really, really finish on what I was made to do.
52:56And so I'll just say a positive affirmation,
52:59and you guys repeat it back and we'll all feel amazing.
53:01Sound good?
53:03Great.
53:06I am blessed with this life.
53:09Hashtag blessed.
53:17That felt so good, didn't it?
53:20It did.
53:22I have released all irrational fears
53:25and replaced them with real fears.
53:31It did.
53:37Okay.
53:38Good.
53:39A little mumbly but good.
53:41I forgive everyone who has ever left me.
53:47Except for Beth.
53:49Go ahead.
53:54Yes.
53:56Thank you, sir.
53:57He said it like he meant it.
54:00Yeah, some passion.
54:03I look really good thanks to this new coat
54:06from Banana Republic.
54:13Thank you, I just got an extra $10,000 for that.
54:17Appreciate it.
54:20I am actually a better overall person
54:23than Tony Robbins.
54:30I am not currently being indoctrinated into a cult.
54:42Nice, thank you.
54:44And lastly, I understand the intricacies
54:47of the Israel-Palestine conflict.
54:56And ultimately, I stand with Tibet.
55:02Asheville, thank you so much.
55:03I'm Joseph.
55:06I appreciate it.
55:08I hope you enjoy the show.
55:09Thank you so much for coming out.
55:24I shouldn't have.
55:26I shouldn't have given myself roses.
55:29Thank you so much.
55:32Wow, you're standing?
55:33I'm delighted.
55:44Wow, this feels good.
55:46This feels nice.
55:49Thank you for giving me roses.
55:53All right, I'm going to leave.
55:55You're the best.
56:06This is crazy.
56:07I mean, I shouldn't have.
56:10Thanks again, Asheville.
56:12I'm really going this time.
56:14I appreciate it.
56:15Hope you enjoy it.
56:17Namaste.
56:19Namaste.
56:20Namaste.
56:21Namaste.
56:22Namaste.
56:23Namaste.
56:23Namaste.
56:24Namaste.
56:25Namaste.
56:28Namaste.
56:29Namaste.
56:30I bought this camper to take pictures of my love.
56:36Now that it gone, I don't have anybody to take pictures of.
56:41On some highway, it's a pretty good subject.
56:47I'm going to make myself make a use of this stuff.
56:51I'm taking landscapes
56:55I'm taking still lights
56:58I'm taking back-sell portraits
57:02By the lonely woman
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