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00:00MUSIC
00:24Good evening!
00:26Welcome to Would I Lie To At Christmas,
00:28a very special festive edition that sorts the facts from the fibs.
00:33On David Mitchell's team tonight, musician, broadcaster
00:36and national treasure, it's Jules Holland.
00:43And from Radio One and Radio One Extra,
00:47it's Breakfast Show host Swazi.
00:52And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a star of stage and screen,
00:57someone call the midwife, it's Helen George.
01:04And comedian, actor and best-selling children's author is David Walliams.
01:10APPLAUSE
01:14We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:16where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:19Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:22so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:25It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:28Swazi, you're first up tonight.
01:31OK.
01:33I love Christmas so much, I put my tree and all the decorations up in September.
01:39LAUGHTER
01:40Well, I hope it's not true, because if it is, you are very irritating.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45I love Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas.
01:49I love Christmas.
01:49I love Easter, but I don't buy the eggs in November, do I?
01:52LAUGHTER
01:53Why do you do it so early?
01:54I don't know, I got married in September,
01:56and so I just thought when we got into the first place we lived in,
02:00I saw the tree on offer, we might as well just get it,
02:03and then at that point we thought, well, we might as well decorate it.
02:06Was it a plastic tree, or a...?
02:08Just plastic.
02:09Can I just remind all of you?
02:10I mean, there's a lot of people who do celebrate Christmas all year round,
02:14so it's not so unusual.
02:15Who are these people? I've never seen them.
02:17Well, there was a bin man on the local news,
02:19and he does his round every morning,
02:21and then he has Christmas lunch every day.
02:23That's right, there you are.
02:23Yeah, that's because bin men get tipped at Christmas,
02:26he's got a vested interest in pretending to be...
02:29I've got a friend who puts all his decorations up in October,
02:32actually, his name is John Lewis.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36When does yours go up, Lee?
02:39Erm...
02:39Should I do the joke or not bother, it's Christmas?
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44Does anyone hate Christmas?
02:46No. Some people do.
02:47Do you hate Christmas?
02:48Yeah, I hate Christmas.
02:49How?
02:50I hate the shows, you know, they just...
02:52They do a sort of show and they...
02:54And they just, like, put some, like, snow,
02:57and this is a Christmas episode,
02:59and they record it in June,
03:00and we all have to pretend.
03:02I mean, no.
03:04No.
03:05Not us.
03:06We're doing it now in December.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:09So...
03:10LAUGHTER
03:11When do you get your tree up?
03:13Early December.
03:15And are we talking Norwegian spruce or plastic or what?
03:19We're talking, er, er, live...
03:21Not live.
03:22A formerly live tree that's been killed.
03:24I mean, that's not how they market them, but that's what's happened.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28Who decorates it, you or Victoria?
03:30Do you know what?
03:31We share the task.
03:32As a family?
03:33Yes.
03:33But you're in charge?
03:35No.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37What are we thinking about Swazi's claim?
03:40Helen, what do you reckon?
03:41I think it could be true because I think she looks like a person
03:47that really enjoys Christmas.
03:48All right, OK.
03:50David, do you think Swazi's telling the truth?
03:51No, I do not.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:53The strange thing about being married and we might as well
03:56get the Christmas tree now.
03:58Yeah.
03:59I mean, he would instantly leave someone if they said something like that.
04:04What does he think of it?
04:05He loves it.
04:07He absolutely loves it.
04:08He's the green-fingered one out of us lot that just...
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13Also, when you get married, you've got to look to the future.
04:16Yeah!
04:16You've got to start planning.
04:18OK, it's September now, but Christmas is coming up.
04:21Yeah.
04:21When we got married, we bought our graves.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:26The next day.
04:28Nice.
04:28Nice plot.
04:29And I tell you what, that we got a good deal on.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33All right, Lee, what's your team going to say?
04:36I think not true.
04:38I think a lie.
04:38What do you think?
04:39A lie.
04:39You think it's a lie.
04:40You think it's a lie.
04:41I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
04:43OK, they all think it's a lie, Swazi.
04:45Was it or were you telling the truth?
04:47I was, of course, telling...
04:49..a lie.
04:50Yes.
04:51APPLAUSE
04:54Yes, it's a lie, Swazi.
04:56..as he doesn't put her Christmas decorations up in September.
05:00Next up, it's David.
05:03As a boy, I developed a special technique
05:06for getting through disgusting school dinners.
05:09Dinners?
05:10Right.
05:11What was your special technique?
05:13Were you ever forced to eat your school dinners?
05:16I was, yes.
05:17By who?
05:17By the authorities, the school.
05:19Dinner.
05:20We'll ask the questions.
05:21Oh, yeah, yes, you're right.
05:22We're quite right.
05:23We'll ask the questions!
05:25LAUGHTER
05:27So, yes, the technique was very simple.
05:29I had this dinner lady who wasn't very nice
05:31and she would make us eat all the things we didn't want to eat,
05:36like fruit and vegetables.
05:38And so my technique was that I would store the food in my cheeks
05:43so I didn't have to swallow it.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46And then I would keep it in my mouth for the rest of the school day.
05:49Like...
05:49Like a hamster.
05:51What sort of age were you when this was happening?
05:53Were you over five or...?
05:54No, 17, 18...
05:56LAUGHTER
05:58I was at a junior school, primary school,
06:01so I was probably about five or six or something like that.
06:03What were your school dinners like, David?
06:05My primary school, you had to have...
06:08You had to have some of everything.
06:10Yeah, yeah.
06:10And you had to finish it.
06:12And my technique for dealing with that when things were,
06:15as they occasionally were, absolutely disgusting,
06:18is that I used to be sick all over myself.
06:22Merry Christmas, everybody at home.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26Was it a cry for help?
06:28Um...
06:28Yeah, I mean, I also would cry help.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32We had a boy at my school who...
06:34I was so jealous because he had a letter from his mum
06:37saying that he was allergic to all vegetables apart from chips.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43Only my mum would write that letter.
06:46When I was presented with disgusting school food,
06:50the problem for me was putting it in my mouth.
06:53That's always been your problem.
06:54Because of the horrible...
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Sorry, sorry, sorry.
06:59In a way, when you've put the disgusting food in your mouth,
07:02you've already done the worst bit, haven't you?
07:04The swallowing it.
07:05That's a very good point, yes.
07:07Comparatively, you might as well.
07:08I agree.
07:09You know, and let people...
07:11Let people put their own connotations on that.
07:14Tell him off.
07:15Tell him off.
07:17No, because it was you that got the laugh
07:18by doing one of your sideways looks at the audience.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23I will not criticise my David.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:26How is he your David?
07:29Because things have changed.
07:30You knew me first.
07:32I've spent a long time with him.
07:34I've grown very fond of you.
07:36Thank you, Rob.
07:38It's lovely that these things...
07:39It's important to say these things at Christmas.
07:41While you're still a liar.
07:42Yes, exactly.
07:43And before we have a few more drinks and get angry.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47So what are you thinking, Swazi?
07:49What do you reckon on this?
07:50I think it's a lie.
07:51Come on, it's got to be a lie.
07:52Why? Why?
07:52Because how can you go after lunch
07:54and not talk to the end of the day?
07:55I completely agree with you.
07:57It's a lie, lie, lie and that's what it is.
07:58We're going to say lie.
08:00They think it's a lie, David.
08:01Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
08:04I was telling...
08:06The truth.
08:06Oh!
08:08Oh!
08:12True.
08:13David did store school dinners in his cheeks.
08:17Helen, you're next.
08:20When I was on Strictly, I sprained my arm
08:22because of all the endless waving they made me do.
08:26You sprained your arm.
08:28That was your main injury from the contest.
08:30Do you know what's how you wave?
08:32Oh, that's quite legal.
08:33It used to be better.
08:35A little restraint.
08:36That won't be good enough for Strictly.
08:37You need more enthusiasm.
08:38Well, it was bigger when I did Strictly before the spring.
08:41Was waving a big part of your Strictly commitment?
08:44Have you watched Strictly?
08:45There's a lot of waving.
08:47Oh, I suppose there is.
08:48There's as much waving as there is dancing.
08:50So how long did the recovery take?
08:53A few days.
08:54It was in a sling.
08:55Was your first instinct to call a doctor or a lawyer?
08:59Or a midwife.
09:00Or a midwife.
09:03What did the doctor or the lawyer say to you?
09:06The doctor signed me off a show.
09:08Because you twanged your arm waving.
09:11But how do you wave?
09:12I just wave like this.
09:13I wave like that.
09:13Argh!
09:14Oh, God!
09:15Is there a lawyer somewhere here?
09:17LAUGHTER
09:18So how often on a typical episode of Strictly,
09:21from the moment they announce you, would you be waving?
09:24Talk us through it.
09:24Well, so you come out waving.
09:26You come out waving?
09:27That's how I came out.
09:28Woo-hoo!
09:29LAUGHTER
09:32So you come out at the top of the stairs, don't you?
09:34Come out waving, yes.
09:34You're waving when you arrive, like that.
09:36Which is quite a skill, as hard as the dancing,
09:38when you're walking down the stairs,
09:39not falling over and waving.
09:41Right.
09:41You've never had a proper job, have you?
09:44And then we sort of chat a bit.
09:46Yes.
09:46And then we do some more waving.
09:48Another wave there.
09:49Yeah.
09:49So you do your dance,
09:50and then you go up the stairs waving.
09:52Another wave?
09:53This is the TV show you're talking about.
09:56So you do the TV show,
09:57and then you do the arena tour,
10:00and that's got lots of waving in,
10:02because it's a very big arena,
10:04and you're increasing your waves.
10:06Was there an insurance claim at any point?
10:08No, there wasn't, but there could be.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:10So you didn't think to wave with your other arm?
10:13That's a good idea.
10:14To do, like, balancing.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16Jules, what are you thinking?
10:18Well...
10:18Specifically about what Helen has been saying?
10:23First of all, I'd have great sympathy.
10:25You know, I need my hands, and I would...
10:26With an injury like that, you would be...
10:28Have you ever had a piano injury?
10:30Well, you've got to watch out for that sort of thing.
10:33I don't, because I don't play the piano.
10:35Lang Lang wears boxing gloves, doesn't he?
10:37The concert pianist, some of them do.
10:38Right, yeah, yeah.
10:39Boxing gloves?
10:40Yeah, to protect his hands.
10:41How does he protect his hands?
10:42Oh, not what's playing?
10:43No.
10:44It's not that good.
10:46All right.
10:47I'd rather believe it.
10:49You can see the distress in poor Helen's face.
10:52Yeah, she does.
10:53She's, I mean...
10:54Yes, that's certainly...
10:55That's certainly a look of sadness
10:57that would be perceptible at arena levels.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01So, what are your team saying, David?
11:04Let's go true.
11:04Shall we say true?
11:05I'd like to give her a chance.
11:07Let's...
11:07What harm could it do?
11:09Let's say it's...
11:09I don't think that's the idea of the game, David.
11:12Let's say it's Christmas, we should believe everything.
11:15All right, yeah.
11:16They think it's true, Helen.
11:17Was it true or was it a lie?
11:19It was true!
11:21No!
11:23Yes, it's true.
11:25Helen did strain her arm, waving on Strictly.
11:29Our next round is called This Is My,
11:31where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection
11:34to one of our panellists.
11:36Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
11:38that has the genuine connection to the guest.
11:41It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
11:43So, please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
11:48APPLAUSE
11:53So, Swazi, what is Paul to you?
11:56This is Paul and he won a competition for me and Stormzy
12:00to come round and turn on his Christmas lights.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:03Right.
12:05Jules, how do you know Paul?
12:07Well, this is Paul and he lets me wind up Big Ben.
12:11Right.
12:13Finally, David, what is your relationship with Paul?
12:17Er, this is Paul and he had to get his dust buster out
12:21after I spilt peanuts in Inspector Morse's car.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:26There we have it.
12:28Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion
12:32or David's car cleaner?
12:34Lee's team, where will you begin?
12:36Swazi, what was this competition on?
12:38Was it on Radio One Extra?
12:40It was on Radio One Extra.
12:42He doesn't scream Radio One Extra listener.
12:45This is the thing.
12:47You'd be so surprised who listens to radio.
12:49What was the competition?
12:50The competition was to guess Stormzy's first name
12:53and Paul guessed it and he was right.
12:55And what is Stormzy's first name?
12:56Michael.
12:57Paul knew Stormzy's first name?
12:59Yep.
13:00I was equally surprised.
13:01Obviously, you can't see your listeners.
13:03So, when we turned up and we saw Paul, we were like,
13:05Oh, hi, Paul.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10Paul, what are you doing?
13:11Me and Stormzy were there, so we had to turn on his...
13:13Just to be clear, when you say turn on his Christmas lights,
13:15you don't mean in his area, you mean in his house.
13:17Where was his house?
13:18In Croydon.
13:19Which was even funnier because Stormzy's from South London.
13:22I bet you laughed and laughed and laughed.
13:26So, did you and Stormzy turn up together with an entourage
13:29or just the two of you?
13:30Just me, Stormzy, the social team and my producer.
13:33When you say the social team, you don't mean social services.
13:37No.
13:39Definitely not, no.
13:40The social media team.
13:41Oh, of course, Instagram.
13:43Yes.
13:43Instagram, TikTok.
13:44So...
13:45Sorry, it's bringing your granddad to work, Dan.
13:48It's awful.
13:49What were Paul's Christmas lights like?
13:52Awful.
13:52Paul, your lights were so bad.
13:54He had the smallest little Christmas tree.
13:57You know when you put on a table, it's not like in the corner of a room?
14:00Right.
14:00So, yeah, tall old Stormzy.
14:02And you just had to flick one little switch and bing, they came on.
14:04Yeah, and then he came on.
14:05And then how did you pad out the rest of the visit?
14:08Well, Stormzy's obviously very tall and I'm very small,
14:11so I think Paul standing in the middle made everyone laugh,
14:14so we just took a photo.
14:15Oh!
14:15You standing in height order can only pad out about another minute.
14:20I've met Stormzy.
14:22Have you?
14:22Very, very nice, yes.
14:23He is nice.
14:24What circumstances?
14:25Not many.
14:25I was with Jack Whitehall and we were at a showbiz party
14:29and Stormzy was there and he was quite excited to meet us
14:32and we couldn't quite believe it.
14:33No, neither can I.
14:34No.
14:36It's true.
14:37I'll tell you something I've just spotted about Paul.
14:40We say he's not looking like a radio on Extra listener,
14:43but he does have an earring.
14:45An earring.
14:46What are you saying?
14:46That he's younger?
14:47I'm saying he's a little bit, ooh.
14:51Are you saying he's a ghost?
14:53No, no, no.
14:54He's a bit...
14:55He's like me.
14:56He's an older gentleman but he's down.
15:00He's had a fall.
15:01Yes.
15:03What is your time slot on Radio One Extra?
15:06I'm on Saturday mornings from 7 to 10 a.m.
15:09So he's getting up early to listen to you as well.
15:12Loads of people are up early, you know.
15:13Well, the nurse, they wake up people quite early, don't they?
15:19OK, well, I would like to say, Swazi, so far, you're winning.
15:24All right, who would you like to quiz next?
15:27Jules, and now you're not, Swazi.
15:31Jules, remind us again.
15:33Yeah, so, Paul lets me go and wind up Big Ben.
15:37Right, who's Ben and why do you keep winding him up?
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41Big Ben is, of course, the great tower with the...
15:44You know, when it sees the 10 o'clock news, bing bong.
15:46Also, not only that, he let me go up there, wind it up,
15:49and open the little sort of number where it's at, like,
15:52at the bottom of the clock, number six, and put my head out of the window.
15:55Oh, like a cuckoo?
15:56Wave at London.
15:57What, on the hour, every hour?
15:59Not at six o'clock, cos the hand would have been in the way.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:03No, that's a very good bit of detail.
16:06So, did you win this sort of opportunity?
16:09No, I was introduced by Stephen Fry,
16:11who said you're going to really like Paul because he'll take you up Big Ben
16:14and let you wind it up.
16:17So, just talk us through how you wind up Big Ben again.
16:20Well, a lot of people imagine it's a little key like that, but they'd be wrong.
16:23No, they don't.
16:24OK.
16:24I don't think anyone's thought about it in any way.
16:28And Helen's probably worried, another hand injury.
16:30Well, I wouldn't be able to do it.
16:32Well, you have to walk up there as well.
16:34This was when he was up there.
16:35Have they ever got an elevator fitted?
16:36Yes.
16:37I think they have now.
16:38Oh, so this was a while ago when you did it?
16:39Yeah, yeah.
16:40Before the renovation?
16:41Yes.
16:42It's a digital clock now.
16:43Yeah.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:45Anyway, you go up and you have a big handle like this.
16:48Yeah.
16:48And then you push it forward and it goes round like this.
16:52And then this gigantic pendulum is ticking away, like a giant long-case grandfather clock.
16:58How big is that?
17:00I don't want to bore you with the details.
17:02Oh, please do.
17:02We already have that.
17:04But it's pretty big.
17:06Do you have to then swing the pendulum?
17:07Paul, I think, did all that.
17:09When London sleeps, he's in there sorting all that out.
17:12We just wake up and see it, but it's a bloke like him.
17:15Well, we don't wake up and see it because we don't live anywhere near it.
17:16No, but you can see it on the news and things, don't you?
17:19What are you doing, waking up at 10 o'clock at night?
17:21You start getting a proper job, mate.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25Do you know a bit about clocks?
17:26It sounds like you know a bit about clocks.
17:27I've learnt everything I know from Paul.
17:29Right, so here's a question.
17:31What's it called, that clock?
17:33Er, very big.
17:35It's not called very big, is it?
17:37What's it actually called?
17:38That's right, yes, yes.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:42What does Big Ben refer to?
17:44I...
17:45The bell.
17:46The bell?
17:46It's the bell.
17:47The clock is called something else.
17:49Yes, that's right.
17:50I thought you would know that as somebody who winds it up.
17:53Does it definitely have a name, the clock?
17:56Well, I think it's just called the Parliament clock or something.
17:58I don't know.
17:59It's called something...
18:00You don't know after all that.
18:01Oh, I don't know.
18:03I'd like to point out that I'm not the one claiming to know about clocks.
18:06No.
18:06I'm not claiming to know about clocks, but I do know a man who does know about clocks,
18:09and that's...
18:10Paul.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:16All right, now then, what about David?
18:18David, remind us of your relationship.
18:20This is Paul, and he had to get his dust buster out after I spilt peanuts
18:26inside Inspector Morse's car.
18:28Right.
18:28Why were you in his car?
18:30I was on a little tour of Oxford in it.
18:33What's the car?
18:34An old red Jaguar.
18:36I think it's called a Mark II Jaguar.
18:38I think that's what Morse did drive.
18:40We actually have...
18:41We've got a picture of Inspector Morse's car.
18:43We can have a look.
18:44There we are.
18:44Look at that.
18:45You could fit in that car?
18:46Yes.
18:47And Paul and my father.
18:50So, hang on.
18:51Is Paul the organiser of the tour?
18:53He is, and he's the owner of Inspector Morse's car.
18:57Oh.
18:57So he was driving the car?
18:58He was.
18:59How did Paul come to own this car?
19:01I don't actually know.
19:02So he's a private...
19:03Once again, no small talk from David on the journey.
19:05Yeah.
19:06Do you want to know how I got this car?
19:08Nah.
19:10How could you not get the peanuts into your mouth?
19:14Yeah.
19:15Well, the truth is, the peanuts were in my...
19:17The truth is, it didn't happen.
19:19The truth is, no, the truth is that the peanuts were in my jacket pocket,
19:24in a packet I had opened but not finished, folding over...
19:28There's no way you wouldn't finish a packet of peanuts in one guy.
19:31Well, in which case, you'll have to say lie.
19:34Who?
19:35That is what I'm asking you to believe.
19:37When was this?
19:38This was last January.
19:41Last January?
19:42It was a Christmas present, this tour.
19:45From my wife to me and my dad.
19:47Didn't Victoria want to join you?
19:49No, she didn't.
19:51Anyway, it was a present for her, wasn't it?
19:53It was a tour of Inspector Morse's Oxford.
19:57Because you love Inspector Morse.
19:59I love Inspector Morse.
20:00You love Inspector Morse.
20:01I grew up in Oxford, my dad lives in Oxford.
20:04He's really interested in Oxford history, he's a tour guide.
20:07This is an amazing present.
20:09Where did the tour take you, David?
20:11Talk us through some of the high spots.
20:13All around Oxford.
20:14Be more specific, David.
20:16Right.
20:16Started and finished in the car park of the ice rink.
20:19Oh, right.
20:21How very Inspector Morse.
20:23Well, it was probably more for convenience than mood.
20:26Although it is quite near the police station.
20:29Right.
20:29Which obviously you see a lot of Inspector Morse coming in and out of the police station
20:32and it's a real police station, so I don't know how that was arranged,
20:34but obviously actual law enforcement in Oxford must have suffered at the same time.
20:39I certainly remember during my childhood the joyriding was going crazy,
20:42so I think we can blame Zenith Productions for some of that.
20:46Zenith, do you know the name of the production company?
20:49Yes, I think it made Inspector Morse.
20:51Zenith made Inspector Morse.
20:52It went initially through Central but then obviously it all merged under Granada
20:55and now rebranded as ITV.
20:57I hope it's OK to mention that on the BBC.
21:00Other broadcasters are available.
21:04I can't work if that has to clap because they're impressed
21:06or if they clap, you'll stop.
21:10Well, I've tried that with you many times and it doesn't work.
21:14Anyway, pick up at the ice rink.
21:15Yeah?
21:16You go along St. Aldeight's and High Street.
21:17No, it sounds like you're going to do it all.
21:18Just tell us the highlights.
21:20So you went along St. Aldeight's, past the police station, past Christchurch.
21:23This is the whole journey, David, isn't it?
21:25Well, you can't, you've got to wait for me to...
21:27Don't say, we're not going to show you the highlights of football
21:29but you're going to have to wait because we're going to be showing the whole match.
21:31That's a highlight!
21:34That's another highlight!
21:35They just show the highlights.
21:36That's what they do.
21:37Can I just say...
21:38What are the highlights of this tour?
21:40Because currently I've heard nothing but lowlights.
21:43This is a tour.
21:45This isn't getting to the tour.
21:47Tell us the highlights of the tour!
21:50The highlights of the tour involved driving down the high street...
21:54Oh, he's doing it again!
21:55He's giving us the lowlights again!
21:57How can you...
21:58The high street of Oxford!
22:00That's not a highlight!
22:02That's not a highlight!
22:03The highlight was a bit where we crossed Times Square!
22:06The highlight was a bit where he took off and flew to the home!
22:10No, the highlights were when we were driving round Oxford in Inspector Morse's car!
22:16Because that's what it was!
22:18And the high street of Oxford was a highlight!
22:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:28Next highlight, Riverside Pub, right?
22:31Victoria Arms, it's called.
22:34It's by the Charwell in Oxford.
22:35What's that?
22:36Inspector Morse went there many times.
22:38That is where I bought some, wait for it, peanuts!
22:41You said you had the peanuts before!
22:46You're a liar!
22:48A dirty liar and it's Christmas!
22:51I did have the peanuts in my jacket and how do you think they got there?
22:55I bought them at the Victoria Arms, but I folded up the packet and put it in my jacket pocket,
23:02folded up the jacket and put it on my knee.
23:04We continued the tour.
23:06I won't bore you with more highlights.
23:08LAUGHTER
23:08When we got to the end of the tour, I adjusted my jacket in a careless way and the peanuts
23:14tipped onto the floor of the car.
23:17Inspector Morse's Jaguar!
23:19Can you imagine my mortification?
23:21Oh!
23:21So I apologise effusively.
23:23And Paul says not to worry and he gets a dust buster.
23:27From?
23:28From the boot of the car.
23:29Where do you get the dust buster from?
23:30From the boot of the car.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:34And he clears them up in front of me.
23:37No harm done.
23:40Right, we need an answer.
23:42So, Lee's team is Paul, Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion or David's car cleaner.
23:50Jules strikes me as a man that would be interested in winding a big bet.
23:53Who wouldn't though?
23:54I'd like to do that.
23:55I think he would because he's got those sort of interests, sort of old man's interests.
24:00LAUGHTER
24:01Why would you, if you're running a tour with all of the, you know, best parts of Oxford that Inspector
24:07Morse filmed in, why not ask to meet at the beautiful pub where you could have a drink first of
24:12all and welcome your guests?
24:13Why would you meet at the ice rink?
24:15There would definitely be more picturesque places to meet but not where there's easy parking.
24:20The picturesque and the easy parking, they often pull in different directions.
24:24Right.
24:24I'll give as an example, Venice.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:31OK, it's time to guess.
24:33I don't believe that Stormzy went round to turn on this man's Christmas lights on a Christmas tree that big.
24:39That's the thing, isn't it?
24:40So, I'm going Jules.
24:41Alan?
24:42I would go with Morse because it just sounds like the most plausible, boring Christmas present.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:50OK.
24:51We are going to go with Jules.
24:54Jules.
24:55OK.
24:56Paul, would you please reveal your true identity?
25:00I'm Paul and I let Jules Holland wind up Big Bang.
25:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:07Yes, Paul is Jules's top companion.
25:10Thank you very much, Paul.
25:13APPLAUSE
25:15Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lives, and we start with...
25:21It's...
25:21BUZZ
25:21Jules.
25:23Ah.
25:25Every year before Christmas dinner, I change into my special, much looser, eating trousers.
25:33Please, team.
25:33Well, I mean, I do, so...
25:37LAUGHTER
25:37Are they elasticated?
25:40Um, no, they have little belts at the side, and braces attached to buttons, and the little belts at the
25:48side undo.
25:49So you can loosen them.
25:51So you can loosen them, yeah.
25:51So they're braces and the side straps.
25:53Yeah.
25:53So they're quite smart trousers?
25:55Oh, yes.
25:56I wouldn't want to be seen in short trousers when I'm having my Christmas dinner.
25:59Or jogging...
25:59And you wouldn't want to be seen with shorts and braces.
26:01Never.
26:02That's a look that only David Mitchell can carry on.
26:04Yes.
26:04Absolutely.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:05What do you have on the top half?
26:08Dinner jacket.
26:09Have you got a dickie bow on?
26:10Yes.
26:11Are you...?
26:12All right.
26:13LAUGHTER
26:14What do you wear at Christmas lunch then, Lee?
26:17Same as the rest of the family, Speedos.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20So, dinner jacket, dickie bow, and all that, that suggests you would have those sort of fancy trousers with the
26:26little belts at the side already.
26:28So why are you changing into them?
26:30Well, because I would have had my jeans on when I was doing the rough work of helping the children
26:34to unwrap their shoes.
26:35With their little boxes of cigars and things like that.
26:37Right.
26:37And so...
26:39So I've still got my casuals on at that point.
26:41And I've taken a break from helping the kiddies and then I've just come in and having my lunch.
26:45How old are your kids?
26:46Erm, 40, 50.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:49This is a subject close to your heart, Lee, because I remember you telling me that of late you've started
26:57to drive...
26:58Yes.
26:58..with your trousers open.
27:00I have undone the top button and I've found that's not enough.
27:03So a bit of zip comes down, the belt might come undone and many a time I've got to the
27:07petrol station and my trousers have fallen down.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:10And that's my story and I don't care what you read in the Sunday papers, that's what happened.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:16All right.
27:17Come on.
27:18Is Jules Holland telling the truth?
27:20I believe he's telling the truth.
27:21OK, I've got a question.
27:22Are you insane?
27:24LAUGHTER
27:24You think that that's the truth?
27:26I think it's true.
27:27I think probably a lot of people wear clothes that are sort of loose or elasticated.
27:31Exactly.
27:32Well, I have pregnancy trousers like that, so I do understand.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:36What's your team going to say, Lee?
27:38I'm saying it's a lie.
27:39OK, so, Jules, they think it's a lie.
27:43Is it a lie or is it the truth?
27:45I think this might be a conundrum for the show because it was given to me as a lie, but
27:49it's actually true.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:55So, I don't know what to do.
27:57That's never happened before.
27:58That's never, ever happened before.
28:01So, Jules, what is the answer? Was it true or was it a lie?
28:04A little bit of a lie.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07Well, there we are.
28:08It was a lie until it turned out to be true because Jules actually does have special eating trousers.
28:16Well, that noise signal's time is up. It's the end of the show.
28:19And I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
28:23Congratulations.
28:26Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Good night.
28:31Would I Lie To You returns for a new series next Friday night at 7.30 on BBC One.
28:36The Amanda Land Christmas special is an absolute cracker with all the festive feels.
28:40Watch it now on iPlayer.
28:41And we're opening the barn doors here next tonight.
28:44Welcoming three celebs into a new repair shop at Christmas.
28:49APPLAUSE
28:51Welcome.
28:53Welcome to mysive methods.
28:54Again, thanks to
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