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00:00music
00:01music
00:02music
00:04music
00:10music
00:11music
00:17music
00:19music
00:33Alright Webster
00:36And finally dogs
00:37I just wish
00:39they'd bring bat wings back in fashion again. The quirky
00:44canine compadres
00:45are not our amigos, Lily.
00:48If you see one, jump up
00:50behind a letterbox, withdraw.
00:52Now, I've
00:53printed off a few bullet points
00:56re-health and safety for the
00:57paper round. Ta.
01:00Right. How do I look?
01:03Well,
01:03we not lose you in a pea super.
01:06Now, you've got your papers?
01:07Er, yes.
01:10Once more, unto the breach
01:11dear friends, once more.
01:13Good luck, Lily.
01:15May the delivery gods be with thee.
01:18Thanks. See you later.
01:20Ooh!
01:21What a lovely jerkin.
01:23Is Lily your new paper girl?
01:25How on earth did you get?
01:26Yes.
01:27I do have somewhat of a sixth sense when it comes to these things.
01:31Ooh!
01:32What's that, Bri-Bri?
01:34It's a, er...
01:36Very rare edition of The Woman in White.
01:40Tights. Sorry?
01:42I read a book once called The Woman in White Tights.
01:46It's about a woman who wore white tights.
01:50No.
01:51It's the famous book by Wilkie Collins.
01:54Oh!
01:55Imagine calling your kid Wilkie, Rita.
01:57You may as well stick a sign on his head saying,
01:59go on then, bully me.
02:01Well, you know...
02:02The Woman in White is a very famous book.
02:04Well, if it's anything like The Woman in White Tights,
02:07it will be a huge disappointment.
02:10Now, Rita, before Brian bores us to death with any further literary pretensions,
02:14I wondered whether or not you cared to join me for a snifter or two later in the bistro.
02:19Brian, is my programme on tonight?
02:22No, it's tomorrow.
02:23Oh, well, that's very nice, ain't it?
02:25I can't believe you've never heard of The Woman in White, Mary.
02:29Yeah, and I can't believe you've never heard of The Woman in White Tights.
02:32Ciao, Rita. I'll film up a time later via text.
02:35I must dash. I need to bleach my splash bags.
02:42That's all gone through.
02:42Hi.
02:43So, come on, then. How is she?
02:46You know, if I'm missing her, I don't know how you must be feeling.
02:49Well, um, she seems okay.
02:51She's holding up okay, despite everything, you know?
02:54Bless her.
02:55Yeah.
02:55Will you give her my love next time you talk to her?
02:57Yeah, of course.
02:58Me and Kev are gonna go and see her later.
03:01Hey, Bernie, listen.
03:02Has, um, Debbie ever...
03:04Has she ever said anything to you about...
03:07About what?
03:08Carl.
03:09Carl? In what way?
03:11Well, nothing out of the ordinary, you know, except that she's always been really fond of him.
03:16Oh, hello.
03:17Speak of the devil.
03:19Are you taking my name in vain?
03:21Oh, here he is, the Walter Mitty of Weatherfield.
03:25Never heard of it, mate.
03:26I'm not your mate.
03:27And I'll wipe that smirk off your face in a minute.
03:31Actually, thinking about it is, as you're married to my mum, I might start calling you...
03:36Don't even think about it.
03:38You know I'll get the truth from Debbie, and when I do, I'll have you.
03:42Bang.
03:43To rights.
03:49It's not right.
03:51I can't believe that he's dumped me.
03:55He was the one, you know.
03:57He's so lovely, Debbie.
04:01What did you say it was inside for again?
04:04Aggravated burglary with menaces.
04:08But he didn't mean to chop that guy's fingers off.
04:11His hand just slipped.
04:13And he says you can get really good plastic hands these days.
04:16He told me.
04:18Right.
04:19Well, it sounds lovely.
04:22A man after me own heart.
04:25What?
04:25Are you being zaggy?
04:26Of course they are, my daft duck.
04:28What?
04:29It sounds absolutely atrocious, Porton.
04:32Do you know what?
04:33You are better off without him.
04:37Blimey.
04:38What's going on here, then?
04:40I'm just consoling mouth almighty of you.
04:44Eh?
04:44Well, you're a bit, aren't you?
04:46You know, gob on a stick.
04:48You!
04:49Oh, a cheeky bitch!
04:51Do you know what?
04:52I am sick at Sandra, you know.
04:54I'm sight of you.
04:55And as for the smell,
04:56you need to invest in a bit of role on deodorant, you.
04:58You stink!
05:00Ah!
05:00Oi!
05:01Leave her alone, you...
05:02Look, there's no point battering her in getting a longer sentence.
05:04She insulted me!
05:06I insulted your ex!
05:08Are you a dick or something?
05:09Paula, go somewhere else and chill your boots.
05:12It's not worth a longer stretch, trust me.
05:21Oh, I'm sorry.
05:26My words seem to be coming out before my mind kicks in.
05:30But thank you.
05:32Look, you've got to be careful around women like that.
05:35They're not your mates.
05:36I know.
05:38I don't know whether it's because I'm in here
05:41and my routine's gone all skewed with, but...
05:45I do think I'm getting a lot worse.
05:48Right.
05:52I'm not going to last five minutes, am I?
05:55If I...
05:56If I keep letting me mouth run away with itself.
06:03There we go.
06:04I think I've got a coleslaw coming.
06:06No, you didn't order coleslaw, love.
06:08It means coleslaw.
06:09Whatever you do, don't touch it.
06:11You think you've got problems?
06:12I've still not figured out how I'm going to get my Duke of Edinburgh badge.
06:14Oh, it's easy as that.
06:16How's it easy?
06:17Well, you just volunteer for a community group
06:19or...
06:20or help an old lady with her shopping.
06:23Oh, do you need any shopping doing Burnie?
06:25Do you want to wear that omelette?
06:27Oh, it's cute how you don't think you're old.
06:28Ha, ha, ha.
06:30You still here?
06:31You're low on loo roll.
06:33I can wait.
06:34It's just I need a full replenishment,
06:37otherwise I get, um, performance anxiety.
06:42Oh, she's a firecracker, isn't she?
06:45I bet she's a screen to live with.
06:46Oh, she don't live with us.
06:48Listen, I want to have a little wind-up laugh kind of thing with her.
06:51Tell me a secret about her.
06:53Oh, the Vernon Cale's gave her a piggyback in the press club.
06:57Did it? That's amazing.
06:58I don't want that, Peter Kay.
06:59If she were an animal, what kind would she be?
07:01Quick, before she comes back.
07:14What are you doing?
07:16I'm sorry.
07:17Leanne left me a spare key.
07:18I was looking for somewhere quiet to revise.
07:20Right.
07:22Okay.
07:22Sorry.
07:23Wow.
07:23I mean, bit of a shock to come out the bathroom and find a lurker.
07:26You could have been anyone.
07:28Yeah, I'm so sorry.
07:29You could have let me know somehow.
07:31Sorry.
07:33Sigh.
07:35Although, that being said, I do think it's a good idea to get cram in.
07:40Handing your coursework in late that one time.
07:43Slippery slop.
07:44Well, yeah, but...
07:45I mean, make habit of it.
07:47No red brick's gonna look twice at you.
07:49Right.
07:53I have to go out now, so...
07:56Well, is it alright if I work here, then?
07:58If you let me know what time you're gonna be back, I'll make sure I'm way gone by, then.
08:03Hmm.
08:05I'll be back by four.
08:07Okay.
08:25Now I've got brown sauce on it.
08:27Heh.
08:28You've got to have brown sauce and a bacon sarnie.
08:30It's the law.
08:33Love's young green.
08:34Hmm.
08:35Still stand by what I said earlier.
08:37You're off your head.
08:38It's true.
08:40Is it?
08:41It is.
08:42Yeah.
08:43Ask yourself.
08:44Fire away.
08:45Ask me anything.
08:47I am an open book.
08:49You ask her.
08:50You're the one who's obsessed.
08:51It's a slight exaggeration.
08:53Come on, now.
08:53Spill the tea, as an old drag queen pal of mine used to say.
08:57You've got a friend who's a drag queen.
08:59Gastric bland.
09:01Pure evil.
09:02Okay.
09:02Yeah.
09:03So, Eva thinks that you made Lauren work the other night so she couldn't go out with Ollie.
09:09That is an outrageous suggestion.
09:13And yet, scarily accurate.
09:18Lauren is not good enough for my grandson.
09:20And if you think she is, you want your heads testing.
09:22Well, with respect, Ma.
09:24That's a first.
09:25I think it's probably up to Ollie who he does and doesn't date.
09:28Lauren is a misery-gut single mother from a bad family and a terrible history with men.
09:33That might be fine for some people, but not for my grandson.
09:37Well, you don't sit on the fence, Ma.
09:38You might get splinters on your cheeks.
09:41Mind you, he wouldn't be the first man in this family to be blinded by an airhead bottle blonde with
09:48no concept of modesty.
09:51Okay.
10:12Did you see that?
10:14I did.
10:15I hope you're not waiting for your delivery of Conker monthly.
10:18Yeah, well, I'm not a kid.
10:19Yeah, I'm well aware of that.
10:21So, go on. Tell Sam again. What did he do?
10:25Let himself into the flat while I was on the loo.
10:27Got a shock of my life.
10:30What was he sniffing around for?
10:32We need to stop him, but we need to be clever.
10:35Have you ever heard of the phrase, keep your friends close and your enemies closer?
10:38Yeah.
10:40Well, I need you to be the good cop to my bad cop.
10:43You cool with that?
10:47It's hard to know what to say sometimes, isn't it?
10:50It is right, yeah.
10:52I suppose small talk's as good as anything.
10:58Oh, my.
11:02Who did that to you?
11:04Gobs?
11:04Oh, if never you mind.
11:07They should see the other fella.
11:08Who was it?
11:10Eh?
11:11It's just a misunderstanding over Somerton now, but it's all tickety-boo now.
11:16So, no fretting.
11:20It's lovely to see you.
11:24You all right, Ronnie?
11:26You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders.
11:28He's fine, and so am I. Stop worrying about us.
11:31There is something I need to ask you, actually, and I don't know if this is going to come as
11:35a shock to you, Kevin, or not, but...
11:37Hey?
11:38Sounds ominous.
11:39And this is so ridiculous, this, but...
11:42Carl, er, well...
11:43He informed me, allegedly, that he's your son.
11:50Give over, as if.
11:53Tell him, Debs.
11:55Tell him.
11:57You are kidding me.
11:58Oh.
12:01I'm so sorry.
12:05Carl, he's, um...
12:09He's not your brother.
12:13He's your nephew.
12:31And that was that, really.
12:34We just...
12:35all went along with it.
12:38I was a child.
12:40So, I've spent my life being lied to by you.
12:44My dad.
12:46My dad who used to bang on about my boy, Carl.
12:50My wonderful son.
12:51And all along.
12:53Who was his grandson?
12:56They're just words, Kev.
12:58You all kept it from me.
13:00That must have been hard work.
13:02I bet he was all laughing behind me back, weren't he?
13:05What a mug Kevin is for falling for it.
13:09Gullible Kevin, he'll believe in anything.
13:11No.
13:12He wasn't like that.
13:13I didn't want my dad to move to Germany.
13:15He said he really fancied that job, but all along...
13:18Kevin.
13:18All along, he wanted to run away with you, Elaine,
13:22and your grubby little secret.
13:24Right, no. Sorry.
13:25Even when I saw him before he died.
13:28He never mentioned it.
13:30He guarded it till a better end.
13:34Well...
13:35Maybe he was waiting for me to mention it.
13:39Even when I was ready.
13:42But you lie to yourself long enough.
13:46Comes true in your head eventually.
13:49And I'd buried it, hadn't I?
13:51Deep inside me for what?
13:53Nearly 40 odd years.
13:57Not in a way it meant until one day, I don't know.
14:01The scales just fall from your eyes and it all just comes tumbling out.
14:06So Carl knows?
14:09Yeah.
14:11Yeah, I told him.
14:12But only recently.
14:15That's why you're carrying the can for him.
14:18I knew it.
14:19And you had me think I was going mad.
14:21I'm sorry.
14:23You were only here because of him.
14:27What else could I do?
14:28Tell the truth.
14:30Don't mug me off.
14:32You're right.
14:33I made you think you got it wrong.
14:37And I'm so sorry, but...
14:40I was scared.
14:42I owe this to Carl.
14:45You know when he said he went to live with Elaine?
14:47Well, he had the most horrendous time.
14:51He's broken, Kev.
14:54And if I hadn't have been so selfish, if I'd have been a proper mum to him,
15:02then maybe it wouldn't have turned out so bad.
15:06Okay.
15:07You've done all this for Carl.
15:10What's it doing to you?
15:12Look at you.
15:13You've been here five minutes.
15:15You're black and blue.
15:16Exactly.
15:17How could he?
15:19I'm alright.
15:20Look, I don't care that Carl's your son.
15:23He shouldn't be putting you through this.
15:25He's raped.
15:26Well, he's not, is he?
15:27I am.
15:29This is my choice.
15:30It is.
15:31I could kill him for what he's done to you.
15:34You don't mean that.
15:35Oh.
15:37Don't her?
15:39She sent me another one.
15:42Who? What?
15:43Emily.
15:44I've told you.
15:45She keeps sending me spiritual pictures every day on a text.
15:49And what's she saying today?
15:51Well...
15:52It's a picture of Jesus and he's knocking on a door and it says,
15:57Behold.
15:59Oh.
16:01Might need me glasses.
16:02Thought it was Demis Roussos.
16:03And have you replied?
16:05Probably replied.
16:06Not yet.
16:07Will you?
16:08I usually say very nice.
16:11Oh.
16:12You want to send her one of those disappointing affirmations?
16:15What's that?
16:16Oh, you see them online.
16:17It's a picture of a beach and it says, er, you'll always be mediocre.
16:24I can't send that to her.
16:26She's my friend.
16:28I might send one to Jenny cos she's got a good sense of unity.
16:32Look what I found.
16:33Shoved in a bin on the precinct.
16:34Property of the cabin, I believe.
16:37Right.
16:38Right.
16:38Look at that.
16:40Those must be the worst fortune.
16:42Lily was in charge of that.
16:43Wait till I get my hands on her.
16:45Oh, you can't say that nowadays.
16:46Well, listen.
16:47Thanks for returning them, Hope.
16:49Shoved in a bin, you say?
16:51Yeah.
16:52Er, do you think maybe you'd be able to help me get my D of E badge?
16:55You know, cos I've done a good deed and all that.
16:58I don't think it's completely badge-worthy.
17:00Well, yeah, but, like, I have to do some volunteering work,
17:03so if you ever need some shopping doing, an extra pair of hands.
17:06If I was wanting to be a lady-in-waiting to Queen Rita.
17:09Well, yes, it might be very nice to have a little bit of help
17:12every now and then.
17:14Oh!
17:14Hey!
17:15Mary?
17:16Mary.
17:16Yes.
17:17Oh.
17:19Here you go.
17:20Come here, Brian.
17:21Yep.
17:22We're nearly there.
17:23Would you like me to walk you to her?
17:25Er, no, no, I'll be fine, love.
17:27I'm fine, I'm fine.
17:29Oh, but do you need a wheelchair, then?
17:31Yes.
17:32A wheelchair.
17:34To run you over.
17:36Get out of the way.
17:40So, Lauren.
17:42Did you enjoy that?
17:43What do you think of her?
17:45Be honest.
17:46Here we go.
17:47No feedback for the chef, eh?
17:49Don't avoid the question.
17:51Snap.
17:53Er, well, she's nice.
17:56Right.
17:57We have a laugh.
17:59Also, baby.
18:01What about it?
18:02She has one, unfortunately.
18:05You never had a problem with Dee Dee having one.
18:07Lauren is not a solicitor with prospects.
18:11Mind you, I'm sure she's done some soliciting in her time.
18:14I'm just not of the legal variety.
18:16Yeah.
18:19Come on.
18:20How do you envisage your life?
18:24You're a strapping lad full of beans.
18:26Do you really see yourself stopping in every night doing feeds and watching the telly?
18:31Er, wouldn't it be more exciting to have spontaneous nights away in spa hotels or weekend city breaks in far
18:39-flung corners of the globe?
18:41No.
18:41She is a laugh.
18:42Really?
18:44Because from where I'm sitting, she's no Marty Cain.
18:46You won't know who that is.
18:47Who?
18:48Told you.
18:48Exactly.
18:50There's only so much grown-up fun you can have with an ankle-biter following your every move.
18:56She finds it hard enough to go childcare when she's doing shifts in this place, let alone off gallivanting with
19:02fellas.
19:05I'll say no more on the matter.
19:07It's your life that you're throwing away.
19:15Look, I know you've chosen to do your mass GCSE a year early, but I think it's too much.
19:20It's not.
19:20You're overdoing it, the stress.
19:22What force are you considering you got a qualification a year early?
19:25I mean, who cares?
19:26I care.
19:27Now, leave me alone.
19:28People won't serve in.
19:30Right, well, I haven't finished reading yet.
19:32You have.
19:34Ah!
19:35Ladies, will you be dining with us this afternoon?
19:37Oh, just liquid.
19:39But a nice table wouldn't go on it.
19:42Yes, walk this way.
19:43You know what I can't abide, Rita?
19:45It's when somebody says, walk this way, and then they do a silly walk and expect you to copy them.
19:50I feel like punching them, don't you?
19:52Shall I tell you what irritates me?
19:54What's that, Rique Petite?
19:55Folk who link me when I haven't asked them.
19:59Oh.
20:00Posh bottle of red, Nick.
20:02She's famed.
20:10Come in peace.
20:13How do you mean?
20:14Well, you know, I know things haven't exactly been the greatest between you and me.
20:19Guess not.
20:20Well, so, you know, I want us to be mates.
20:22Er, you know, we are practically family.
20:24And, er, I remember you mentioning a while back a gig tonight at the New Century Hall.
20:29Yeah, the Oasis tribute pack.
20:31Yeah.
20:31I thought we could go together, so I got some tickets.
20:59Yeah.
21:00Yeah.
21:01Yeah, fine, I can always.
21:02Right!
21:05What are you playing at?
21:07Do you not understand what you've done?
21:09My terminal ill life.
21:11Your mother.
21:11You've let her do birth for something you did!
21:14What?
21:14She told you that?
21:15You can see the state of her in there.
21:17She's been beaten up and everything.
21:19Yeah, I know the feeling.
21:21Don't bring your part up, yeah!
21:23Listen to me!
21:24Cos I hate repeating myself.
21:26You're gonna do the right thing by debit.
21:28How?
21:29You're gonna tell the police the truth.
21:31Get her released.
21:33Cos if you don't, mate, your life ain't gonna be worth living.
21:37What, you think I'm scared of you, Muppets?
21:39No!
21:40No, leave him, Ronnie!
21:41Ronnie!
21:41Leave him!
21:43You've heard what I've said.
22:02What's running over?
22:06When can you stand?
22:15My head associations actuallyaman, he's done with surviving, he's done with worrying.
22:18You're not fishing.
22:19Challocells tend to have no deserves rest.
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