- 16 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:20The End
00:31The End
01:10The End
01:40The End
02:28The End
02:30Oh, well, my blue suit's in the cleaners.
02:32Oh, no. Picnics are usually informal.
02:36Yeah, but meeting your folks is no picnic.
02:38Will you not think of it as meeting my folks?
02:40We are just driving up there to pick up my hi-fi set.
02:43And on the way, we're going to have a really lovely picnic.
02:45Yeah, but at the end of that really lovely picnic, I'm going to meet your folks.
02:48And that's what I'm dressed for.
02:49There is nothing to be nervous about.
02:52You're a reporter.
02:53You should be used to meeting people.
02:55People is not your father.
02:57You can be somebody else, like the president.
02:59I'm going to be in the middle of the night.
03:07I'm going to be in the middle of the night.
03:11And this is what I'm doing.
03:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:00Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:15Wait, oh, it's beautiful.
04:17Oh, is this pretty.
04:20Oh, Donald, it's just gorgeous
04:22I told you we'd find some
04:24Oh, look, there's an adorable little spring
04:26Oh, come in, don't you
04:27We can just put our feet
04:28Oh, Dr. Star
04:29Okay, wait, wait a minute
04:29Bring the basket
04:30All right, wait a minute
04:32Oh, it's just pretty
04:34Oh, look how pretty it is up here
04:36There's so, so many weeds
04:38Oh, I love it
04:39Oh, look, Donald, isn't it great?
04:41Yes, yes
04:41Okay, oh, come on
04:42Come on around this way
04:43Come on before the sun goes down
04:44Wait a minute, there's weeds in my pants
04:57Oh, Donald, look how pretty this is
05:00Yes, it's beautiful
05:00Oh, aren't you glad we came here?
05:01Wait a minute, it's all dirt
05:02There's no grass there, Ann
05:04We'll get all filthy
05:05What if we need grass?
05:06We'll get this darn little thing
05:07We can put our toes in there
05:08Okay, okay
05:08It's beautiful, it's beautiful
05:10Oh, I love it
05:11Let's eat, please, let's eat
05:13Ronald, it's more fun
05:14If you're going to have a picnic-y attitude
05:16Well, we'll go on lots of picnics
05:18I know, but none of them will be the first
05:20Well, how do you want to remember our first picnic?
05:23Just sitting around, eating chopped liver sandwiches?
05:26Oh, you have chopped liver?
05:28Come on
05:29Let's go wait in the stream
05:31Oh, no
05:32Come on, Donald
05:33Oh, I love it
05:36Come on in
05:37No, no, my pants
05:38I'll get my pants
05:39I guarantee you the water's lint-free
05:41Come on, this is silly
05:43Look
05:44Come on, Donald
05:45Come on
05:45Come on, Al
05:46Come on, Donald
05:46You come and get me, come and get me
05:48Ann, that's silly
05:50Come on
05:52You're a child, Ann
05:53You know that, don't you?
05:54I always have when I'm on a picnic
05:57Oh
06:00Ann, I'm not-
06:00Are you out, Donald?
06:03All right, all right
06:06Oh, it's so good
06:11What's so funny?
06:12Oh, Donald
06:14I've never seen your ankles before
06:17My ankles are not funny
06:19That's because you're used to them
06:20Come on, it's coming in
06:22Yeah
06:22Yeah, but if I meet your folks with clammy pants, it's your fault
06:34You're being so funny
06:36What are you doing?
06:38You're silly, isn't me
06:39I stepped on a bee
06:44It's so hurt
06:50Well, I know it hurts, Donald
06:51But what do I say to a person who just screamed?
06:54Well, you could call me stupid
06:55Nobody but me is stupid enough to step on a bee
06:57You're not stupid
06:59Bees don't belong on the ground
07:00Well, he was there
07:01Then he was stupid
07:04Well, look, anyway, we can forget about seeing your folks
07:06Just because of one little bee sting?
07:08No, because of one big swollen foot
07:11I mean, what's your dad going to think when I come hopping up to the house on one foot?
07:15He isn't going to think anything if you just stay off the grass
07:19Anne
07:19Donald, you're just using this bee sting so you don't have to meet my parents
07:23Yeah, you're right, you're right
07:25I always carry a kamikaze bee for just such occasions
07:29Donald
07:30Please
07:32Please
07:35Oh, okay, okay
07:36All right, I'll go
07:38Good
07:41You know, you said you want to remember our first picnic
07:44I know I will
07:47Poor Donald
07:51Oh, Donald, it's so pretty up here
07:52You know, we couldn't have picked a better place
07:55You got another sandwich
07:57You like them?
07:58I love chopped liver
07:59It's my own recipe
08:01Well, not that I grow my own liver or anything
08:03It's just that I put in a little extra dash of vinegar
08:06And a little extra dash of mayonnaise
08:07Well, what I think really gives it the zing is the horseradish
08:14Horseradish?
08:14That's the real secret of great chopped liver
08:17Well, why did you keep it a secret?
08:19Why, what's the matter?
08:20Well, I'm allergic to horseradish
08:21It gives me bumpy blotches all over my face
08:23And it makes me wheeze
08:29I can feel myself blotching now
08:31Oh, Donald, it's probably all in your mind
08:34But it's also under your skin
08:37Bad? Am I breaking out bad?
08:39Well, let's see
08:39There's just about ten little bumps over there
08:42And about thirteen, fourteen over there
08:45Oh, and?
08:47Donald, why didn't you tell me you were allergic to horseradish?
08:49Well, it's not the sort of thing you say when you're going out with a girl
08:52You look lovely, my dear
08:53I'm allergic to horseradish
08:55I'm sorry, I'm sorry
08:56Why would you only have told me I could have used tongue
09:01Why did you hit me in the face?
09:02Because you put your face where your back was
09:05I'm sorry, Donald
09:06And I have another revelation for you
09:09I wear contact lenses
09:11Why?
09:12Well, because they're more comfortable than regular glasses
09:15You wear glasses?
09:16No
09:17No, contact lenses
09:19You can't even tell
09:20That's because when you slap me, you knock them both out
09:25No, Luke
09:27No, no, stop
09:28Now, don't move
09:30You might step on me
09:31You're right
09:32If that crunch under my right foot meant anything
09:35Oh, no
09:37You broke my contacts, Ann
09:39You broke my contacts
09:41Contact
09:42Contact, Donald
09:43I only broke one
09:50Okay, well
09:51Look, let's look for the other lens
09:53Okay, now
09:54When the lens came out
09:56I was facing this way on the blanket, right?
09:58Yes, you were
09:58You were like
09:59Oh, all right, wait a minute
10:00So then it should be in this area somewhere, right?
10:03Right, right
10:03Okay
10:03Okay, just somewhere in this area
10:05Slow
10:06Okay, slow
10:12You know, Donald
10:13You know, Donald, as long as we've been going out together, I never dreamed you wore contacts
10:16You know, there's no telling how far it flew, though
10:18Not that it makes any difference, it's just that you never know a person as well as you think you
10:21do
10:22Hey, maybe it rolled into the stream
10:23I never dreamed you'd be afraid to meet my parents
10:27You know, I mean, I just think it's strange that two people who really think they know each other don't
10:31know each other at all
10:32Well, does it change anything that I have an allergy and I wear contacts?
10:35Of course it doesn't
10:36I mean, all those little imperfections are just more to love
10:40You can't love somebody who's perfect
10:43Well, I'm glad neither one of us is perfect
10:47Paul, what's wrong with me?
10:49Oh, nothing
10:52Oh, no, Donald
10:53You just said it's a good thing neither of us is perfect
10:56So what's wrong with me?
10:58Nothing
10:59Oh, no, no, Donald
10:59Let's get it out right now
11:00Let's get it right out in the open
11:02Oh, Donald
11:03What is it?
11:04All right
11:04All right
11:05Mm-hmm
11:07Mm-hmm
11:08Well, sometimes when you get a little excited, your voice gets all crazy and squeaky
11:15Oh
11:17That's not bad
11:19Okay
11:19Well, wait a minute, there's more
11:21Oh, no, Donald, thanks a lot
11:22That's about as imperfect as I want to be
11:26Look, Anne
11:26I don't want your folks to meet a blotchy man with a swollen foot
11:29And we're never going to find that other lens
11:31And I'd like to recognize your folks in case I ever see them again
11:35Donald, they'll understand
11:36And Univac wouldn't understand
11:38We are going back to the city
11:39You let the littlest things bother you
11:44Where is she?
11:45I should have been here an hour and a half ago
11:47What's an hour and a half to her?
11:49She was three days late when she was born
11:51He's just not like Anne
11:53What do you expect?
11:54Running around with that bum
11:56He's not running around
11:58And you don't know he's a bum
12:00He's an hour and a half late with my daughter, isn't he?
12:02All right, Donald, keep your foot up, Joe
12:04Don't miss your foot
12:05I'm trying not to hit my foot
12:06Ow
12:09Almost there
12:10Now be careful
12:11Be careful
12:12I'll help you
12:13I'll help you
12:14Just give me your foot
12:15Anne, now
12:16Give me your foot
12:16Anne
12:16Give me your foot
12:17Anne
12:17Here, here
12:18Get away
12:19Get away
12:19You're going to break my leg
12:20Here, okay
12:21I've got your shoe
12:22I've got your shoe
12:26Anne, look
12:31Look
12:31You better drive
12:32Everything's a little fuzzy to me
12:34Okay, get in
12:34Okay
12:35Careful you
12:36Remember your foot
12:38Remember my foot
12:42Now wait
12:43Ow
12:45That was a pretty spot
12:48Okay, are you okay?
12:49I'm okay
12:49Just start the car
12:50All right
12:58Oh, Donald, I'm sorry
12:59Something's the matter with the car
13:00I can't get it into gear
13:01They give me such a crazy car for
13:03Anne, it was the only loaner they had
13:05You don't even have the clutch in all the way
13:07The clutch?
13:08Yeah, the thing
13:10You don't know the thing you push?
13:12This is an automatic shift?
13:13Yeah, not with the clutch
13:14Well, well
13:15I've never driven anything but automatic
13:17I've never clutched in my life, Donald
13:19You have never driven
13:21Oh
13:24Well, look
13:24Never mind
13:25Never mind
13:26Okay
13:26Look, it's very
13:27It's very simple
13:27All you have to do
13:28Is press your left foot
13:29Against the left pedal
13:31Yeah, that's it
13:31Okay, it's clutch
13:32That's the clutch
13:32Well, it's clutched
13:33All right
13:33Now put it in first gear
13:34First gear
13:36Does more than one gear
13:38And cars without automatic transmissions
13:41Have three gears
13:42Except cars like this one
13:44Which have four
13:47Well, look
13:48Never mind
13:49Never mind
13:49You just push in the clutch
13:51I'll shift
13:52Okay
13:54Okay
13:55All right
13:55Now what?
13:56Now
13:57Now let out the clutch
13:59And we're on our way
14:05All right
14:06Okay
14:06I'm sorry, Donald
14:07Okay
14:07Okay, now we're gonna try that again
14:10Only this time, Anne
14:11Just let the clutch out
14:13A little more slowly
14:15All right, what do I do?
14:16You start it
14:17Start it again
14:19Okay
14:19Okay
14:20See how simple?
14:21Yeah
14:21Now we're gonna be on our way again
14:23Just let the clutch out
14:25Ease it out slowly
14:27Oh, I'm gonna ruin your loner
14:29Well, not if you'll just ease out the clutch
14:31Okay
14:33Ease it out
14:34Ease it out
14:35Ease it out
14:54I'm sorry
14:55I told you I couldn't drive a car with two pedals
14:59No, no, no
14:59No, you made great progress
15:02Ten feet in ten minutes
15:03It's your fault
15:04First you tell me to put the clutch in
15:06Then out
15:07Then in
15:07Talk about women changing their minds
15:09You know, it suddenly occurs to me
15:11We're facing a bigger problem
15:13We're stranded
15:13We are not stranded
15:15Anne, I can't see
15:16And you can't drive
15:17Now, I call that strand
15:18Please get some help
15:20Oh, we'll call the auto club
15:21How?
15:23Well, I'm a member
15:24Well, how are we gonna call?
15:26Well, see, we'll just drive to a phone booth
15:27And if we could drive to a phone booth
15:28We wouldn't have to call
15:32Don't worry
15:33She probably decided not to come
15:35Well, she would have called
15:37How could she call if that bum ran off with all our money?
15:40She doesn't need money to call from her own phone
15:43Bum probably took that, too
15:44Oh, Lou
15:45You calm down
15:46They stopped for a picnic, right?
15:48They're having so much fun
15:50She probably forgot about the time
15:52Yeah
15:55Maybe the bum stole a watch
16:00Anne, what are you doing?
16:01Shh
16:01I've got my ear to the ground
16:03Let's see if I can hear any cars coming
16:04I don't hear any
16:07Anne, listen
16:07That only works when you press your ear against a railroad track
16:10To see if a train's coming
16:12Oh
16:14Well, I don't hear any trains coming either
16:18Well, it may be stupid, Donald
16:19But it's a heck of a lot better than just sitting
16:21Anne, listen
16:22Listen
16:23Why don't we go back to where we first had the picnic
16:25And really scour the place until we find my other lens
16:28Okay
16:28Okay?
16:30Ow
16:32Listen
16:32Ow
16:33You think you'll be able to find the exact place where we had the picnic?
16:37I think so
16:37I'll just look for a dead bumblebee
16:40Ow
16:41Donald
16:41What's the matter?
16:42Oh, my good foot hurts
16:44I must have a rock in my shoe
16:46Oh, stop
16:47Don't move
16:47What, snake, snake?
16:49A hunch
16:49I know it, I know it
16:51I just betcha
16:53What?
16:55That wasn't any ordinary trouble
16:57That's your lens
16:58My lens?
17:00How did I get my shoe?
17:01You had your shoes off, remember?
17:03I must have knocked it right in
17:10There
17:14You're fuzzy
17:14Oh?
17:16Oh, it's just a little lint
17:17In the blanket
17:18No, no, no
17:19I mean it's the lens
17:19It's in the wrong eye
17:21How can you tell which lens goes in which eye?
17:23I mean, with glasses, they're fixed together
17:25But how can you tell which contact lens belongs in which eye?
17:29You can't
17:30That's why I just put the right lens in the left eye
17:36There, I can see
17:37I can see
17:41What's so funny?
17:43You look like Kaiser Wilhelm
17:45I don't care who I look like
17:47I can see now
17:48So I will now drive us back to New York City
17:50Where I will try and blot this entire miserable day from my mind
17:54Donald, now that you can see again
17:55Why don't we just go up to my parents
17:57It's just a couple of miles from here
18:00Anne, look at me
18:01Look at this blotchy, miserable, limping, one-eyed man
18:05You'll understand
18:06Anne, can you look at me square in my good eye
18:09And tell me they'll understand?
18:11They will understand
18:12They understood Ronald Hickey
18:14Who was Ronald Hickey?
18:16This boy I used to date
18:17Oh, never mind
18:18They didn't really understand Ronald
18:19Now look at him
18:20If I could
18:21If I could
18:22I'd put my foot down
18:23We are going back to the city
18:26Okay
18:27But they'd understand
18:35Wait a minute, wait a minute
18:37Wait a minute, how can I drive?
18:39With one eye you don't have any depth perception
18:40I won't know if I'm running off the road, when to turn
18:43What do we do?
18:46Well, look, look, if I go slow enough
18:48Maybe, maybe ten miles an hour
18:50Yeah, that'll be safe enough
18:52Donald, I don't like safe enough
18:54You can tell me when I'm close to going off the road
18:57You can tell me when to turn
18:59You'll be my eyes
18:59But I flunked out as your clutch
19:02Anne, we can't just sit here
19:03Why don't we just go up to my parents
19:05It's only a few miles and there's no traffic
19:07Anne, we are going back
19:09Now, you just say left or right
19:11Depending on which way I should turn this car, okay?
19:17Ow!
19:17Oh, Donald, Donald, what is it?
19:19What is it?
19:19Oh, when I work the clutch
19:21It hurts my bee sting
19:23Donald, I can be your eyes
19:25I just wish I could bear your pain
19:30Sounded good when a girl once said it to John Wayne
19:32In the flying leathernets
19:35Right
19:37Left
19:41Ow, ow, ow
19:42Oh, ow
19:43Oh, someone, sorry, really, that's okay
19:45Okay, okay
19:45It was just a little low, real gentle, real gentle
19:47Ow, ow
19:49Oh, okay, now
19:51Left, now, left, left, left
19:59I think the phrase is
20:01Well, Stanley, another fine mess you've gotten us into
20:05You turned too much
20:07I said a teensy bit to the right
20:10I turned a teensy bit to the right.
20:12No, Donald, you turned a shade.
20:15A shade to the right.
20:16A shade's quite a bit more than a teensy.
20:19I turned what I considered to be a teensy.
20:22Well, if you turned a teensy, we wouldn't be in this ditch right now.
20:28Anne, Anne, you and I are going to have to learn to communicate.
20:31And perhaps the best step in that direction is total silence on your part.
20:38Oh, does that mean you're going to be your own eyes from now on, too?
20:41I'll be my own eye. Eye.
20:44We can get out of here.
20:45You think we can?
20:46I don't know why we should expect to.
20:51Ah.
20:52Now what's wrong?
20:53Nothing, really.
20:54I hear mud's good for bee stings.
21:13Well?
21:15Well, it's like I figured we're stuck in the mud.
21:17You think we'll be able to get out?
21:19I don't know.
21:19We can try.
21:21But look, you'll have to drive.
21:24Oh, Donald.
21:25One of us has to drive and one of us has to push.
21:28If it's multiple choice, I'll drive.
21:32Now, look, what we have to do is take it slow and easy, and there's a good chance we can
21:39get out.
21:39Now, what you have to do is ease out the clutch very slowly.
21:46Very slowly.
21:47Right.
21:49Now, okay, start the car.
21:51Okay.
21:51Oh, okay, now.
21:54Okay.
21:54Now, as you ease out the clutch, please, just give it a little gas.
22:00Just a little gas, okay?
22:01Okay, a little gas.
22:02Okay.
22:02Okay, now.
22:03All right, wait a minute.
22:04All right, any time.
22:08Oh, Donald, I gave it just a little gas.
22:25Maybe you meant a teensy-weensy.
22:35Lou, it's getting dark.
22:37Happens every day about this time.
22:41Bum.
22:42Think we should call the police?
22:43What am I going to tell the police?
22:45That I want to report a missing daughter and a missing bum?
22:48I'm worried.
22:49They're doing a marvelous job of hiding it.
22:53How do I look?
22:55All right?
22:55Wait a minute.
22:56That's a police car.
22:58Oh, Lou.
22:59Don't worry.
23:00There's Ann.
23:01Oh.
23:02And there's a cop.
23:04And there's a bum.
23:07Oh, Daddy.
23:08Daddy, I'm sorry.
23:09I'm so glad you're all right.
23:10Everything's fine.
23:11Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Officer Barner.
23:14What's he doing here?
23:15Well, everything's all right.
23:16I want you to meet Donald.
23:18Don.
23:19Don.
23:24This is Donald.
23:28Lou, it is a bum.
23:31Donald, come upstairs.
23:32You should be cleaned up.
23:33Would you?
23:34Now, don't worry.
23:35I'll be right back.
23:35I can explain everything.
23:37I dare you.
23:47And so Donald said take over the wheel, which I did.
23:50He said give him a little bit of gas, which I did.
23:51Give him a little bit of gas.
23:52Then the mud got all over me.
23:53We did the funny.
23:54And if that policeman hadn't come along right then and given us a lift, we'd still be there.
23:57At least you weren't hurt.
24:00Uh, seriously.
24:02I want to thank you again for the clothes, Mr. Murray.
24:05I mean, I feel so stupid.
24:07I really wanted to make an impression.
24:08Oh, you did.
24:09You impressed me as sort of a dirty Kaiser Wilhelm.
24:12Daddy.
24:12Don't worry.
24:13I don't hate him.
24:14How could I hate anybody with such rotten luck?
24:16But it was all my fault.
24:18Look, I want you to know that I'm really not as dirty and stupid and clumsy as I look like
24:24I am.
24:25Forget it.
24:27Have some dip.
24:28Thank you, sir.
24:35Well, it was just an accident.
24:36I mean, an accident could happen to anybody.
24:38Look, I'm glad it was an accident.
24:40For a minute, I thought he had crazy eating habits, too.
24:47Not one of your better days, is it, lad?
24:49Oh, stupid.
24:50Please.
24:51Daddy, you don't have to hold them.
24:53You're a man.
25:21I need to hold, baby.
25:22There are days, mate.
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