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00:03Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La la la la
00:34La la la la
00:36La la la la
00:38La la la la la
00:43Bloody hell
00:49Del!
00:51Why don't you just get a megathon
00:53Then finish me off quickly
00:56Now you know what I felt last night
00:58Oh, it's fast a kip I was when you come in my room and made that horrible noise in my
01:02ear.
01:03Yes, sorry.
01:04That could have killed me.
01:07Do you reckon?
01:09Where did you get that trumpet from, anyway?
01:13What trumpet?
01:15I felt my heart go all funny.
01:17In my unconscious state, I thought it was the abandoned ship alarm.
01:20Oh, yeah?
01:21Thought they was playing your tune, did you?
01:23Look, I'm sorry, all right?
01:25Yeah, that's all very well, isn't it?
01:26You could at least say you're sorry.
01:29I'm sorry.
01:31So what was it all about last night, then?
01:33Well, it's just me and Del, we'd had a right blinding week, hadn't we?
01:37I mean, we were selling it before we bought it, so I had a little celebration, right?
01:41Anyway, we went down to Nags Head, and of course, Friday night is disco night, isn't it?
01:45And I met this bird, Helen.
01:47Oh, she really is something else.
01:49I mean, she's tall, she's slender, a bit older than me, but, you know, I've been brought up to respect
01:54me elders.
01:56Was you at her trumpet?
01:59I don't know, I don't remember having a bloody trumpet, anyway.
02:03Listen, right, you've got to see this bird.
02:05She really is the works.
02:06You know, everyone in the pub was looking at me.
02:08That was as jealous as hell.
02:09Yeah.
02:10Do you know who she looks like?
02:11She looks like that Linda Evans out of Dinners thing.
02:14Which one's that?
02:15Joan Collins?
02:19How can bloody Linda Evans be Joan Collins?
02:22It's Linda Evans, you know, she plays Crystal Carrington.
02:26Oh, her.
02:27That's a bit tasty, isn't it, son?
02:28Well, yeah.
02:30She's got the right hearts for yours truly.
02:31I had struck gold, so.
02:33Well, good luck to you, boy.
02:35Down!
02:37Right, all right, you mouthy old geek.
02:39What do you think, iron mutton or something?
02:42Yo, blimey.
02:43Here.
02:44Oi, Rodney.
02:45Oh, you were a bit steaming when you came in last night, weren't you, Ray?
02:48Yeah.
02:49Well, I jumped to celebrate, didn't I?
02:51Yeah.
02:52Well, you finally got shot of it, then, did you?
02:57What?
02:58Well, you know, that old dog that was hanging round you last night.
03:02Yeah, yeah.
03:03Look, what do you mean, old dog?
03:05Well, she was.
03:06She was a bit scraggy, wasn't she?
03:07I mean, cool, blimey.
03:08She must have been six foot six, hey?
03:10Well, yeah.
03:12Yeah, she was tallish.
03:15Tallish?
03:16Done.
03:16Not many birds call you shorty, do they, eh?
03:20He told me she looked like Crystal Carrington.
03:23Crystal Carrington?
03:24Yeah.
03:24Crystal Bleed and Palace, more like, than where I am.
03:27Derek, you do not even know the girl.
03:30Yes, I do.
03:31Of course I do.
03:32Her name was Helen, right?
03:36No.
03:38Oh, yes, it is.
03:40Of course, I know, because they call her Helen of Croydon.
03:42The face that launched a thousand dredgers.
03:44That's right.
03:48I'll do you a bit of breakfast, Del.
03:50No, no, leave me out, but I've got to go out.
03:52I'll get a bit of business to do.
03:53No, it's all right.
03:54I'll tell you what, I could do with a bit of egg and bacon now.
03:56Yeah, well, give Helen of Croydon a bell.
04:04Oi, oi, oi, don't waste it.
04:07What's the matter with you?
04:08Stop, give us a hit.
04:09It's the way he's treating me, isn't it?
04:11Can't he's giving me all that just because I woke him up?
04:15So, er, I had a trumpet with me when I come in last night, then.
04:21Oh, yeah, that's right.
04:22It belongs to Biffo the Bear.
04:24His group were playing at the Ness last night.
04:26Do you remember?
04:26What did he lend it to me for?
04:28He didn't, did he?
04:30Do you remember?
04:32You were so out of your mind at one point last night,
04:34you went up on the stage, right, took his trumpet off him,
04:37blew down the wrong end, gave him the V sign,
04:38and walked out with it.
04:41How do you know?
04:41He's a big bloke and all, isn't he?
04:44And half in a bad mood and all.
04:45Why?
04:46Well, I won't believe this.
04:48Some dozy git nicked his trumpet.
04:52I'll get it back to him today, eh?
04:54I'll buy him a drink or something.
04:55Yeah, well, anyway, you've got the morning off
04:56because, you know, I'm busy.
04:58Where are you going?
05:00Going to church.
05:03Why?
05:06Why not?
05:11See you later.
05:18Delgong.
05:21He's gone to church.
05:24Church?
05:25Del boy.
05:27He's funny, you know.
05:30Because he came into the pub last night,
05:32had a couple of pina collards,
05:33and started talking to me about religion.
05:35He asked me if I believed God saw everything,
05:38and if so, did he take notes?
05:42I've seen blokes catch religion before.
05:44It's always very saddened, like.
05:47He's gone.
05:48What's gone?
05:49His Cliff Richard cassette.
05:52I suppose probably nothing, son.
05:54Maybe he feels the need of a bit of spiritual guidance.
05:58Del?
06:00Well, yeah, maybe you're right.
06:03I don't know.
06:03Of course I am.
06:05I mean, I couldn't honestly see Del boy
06:07becoming one of your burning bush
06:09and Joshua at the back of Jericho, mob.
06:12Could you?
06:14No.
06:16No, what the hell?
06:17What, with all the...
06:18No.
06:20No, of course not.
06:22Oi, talking to Joshua, where's that trumpet?
06:24I'm jumping down at Dasha.
06:25You did what?
06:27I ain't mind his biff arms.
06:28You'll mangle my head.
06:30Well, it teaches you not a bloke in my ear hole,
06:31will it?
06:32Oh, you.
06:33Don't.
06:33You little dicks.
06:46That fog down, he only chucked you out this morning.
06:57Eww.
07:01You chuck something like that down a shot.
07:14I don't believe it.
07:16I don't believe it.
07:19I cannot give it back to Biffle.
07:24Oh, he's about to notice.
07:28Albert.
07:29I hate you, Albert.
07:35Oh, my gosh.
07:46You suck.
07:49You suck.O.
07:52I hate
08:10shot
08:12I'll be with you in just a moment
08:15oh, right you are
08:18thank you
08:51beaming corns will be the bane of my life
09:03yes, perfect, it is me
09:05I thought it was much
09:07so how are you these days?
09:09oh, no, struggling, how's yourself?
09:11oh, the cordons
09:12still giving me jip
09:14listen, I've got a lovely line of orthopedic sandals
09:16coming along
09:19thanks, Derek
09:21so to what do I owe this honour?
09:26I have come to confess my sins
09:29oh, Derek, please
09:31I've been invited out to dinner this evening
09:34I don't mean sin, really
09:37thanks be to God for that
09:40wait a minute
09:42I didn't know you were a Catholic
09:43are you a Catholic?
09:45I don't know, do I?
09:48I don't know that
09:49I was only a kid
09:51but my mum was a Catholic
09:52have you ever been to this church before?
09:56of course I have
09:57when me mum and dad got married
10:00you were just a little baby then
10:02I mean, have you ever been to this church since then?
10:06oh, um
10:09no
10:09tell my boy you disappoint me
10:12I watch the Ten Commandments on the telly
10:17look, Father, I don't want to go up there on Judgment Day
10:20and find out that I'm on the hit list
10:21I mean
10:24God sees everything, doesn't he?
10:26look, Derek
10:28this is not the
10:29God'll fix it show
10:31forgiveness is only for those who feel shame
10:33and remorse
10:34I do feel shame and remorse
10:38oh, look, Father
10:38does it matter what religion I am?
10:40well
10:42I don't know that you're not a Catholic, do I?
10:45oh, that's a spirit
10:48you know it makes sense
10:50all right
10:51fire away, Adele
10:54but the truth, mind you
10:55I don't want you lying in my confessional
10:57would I lie to you?
11:02well
11:03about a week ago
11:05I bought some gear
11:07from a couple of gentlemen
11:08I bought it in good faith
11:10honest I did
11:11well
11:12it appears that last night
11:14I found out
11:15it was more to it than me, see I
11:16I mean, I didn't know
11:17honest I didn't
11:18I mean, I was led
11:19like a
11:20like an artificial lamb
11:22to the slaughter
11:24and if I had known the full SP
11:25I would never have taken it on
11:27honest I wouldn't
11:27but
11:27I mean, you know
11:28you don't ask, do you?
11:30well, you don't do
11:30I didn't think I needed to ask
11:33father
11:33I trusted these two gentlemen
11:35I believe that they were both
11:36honest and upstanding
11:38citizens of our community
11:39who are these men?
11:41sunglasses Ron
11:42and Paddy the Green
11:44well, you can't get them
11:46more honest
11:46and upstanding
11:47than them two
11:50I'll give you a choice
11:51of penance
11:52you can either say
11:54five Hail Marys
11:55and ten Our Fathers
11:58I'll make a little
11:59donation to the
12:00hospice fund
12:01will the score be alright?
12:08is that it?
12:10all squared?
12:11your sins have been
12:12absolved there
12:13no, no, father
12:14I want you to be
12:15forgiven
12:18you've been
12:19forgiven
12:22oh
12:23oh
12:24of course
12:25it's all right
12:28what's the fund for them
12:30father?
12:30are they building a new
12:31extension of the old
12:32hospice or what?
12:33I wish they were
12:34Dale
12:35nope
12:37unfortunately
12:37they're demolishing it
12:39eh?
12:40but why?
12:41that's been there for
12:42years and years
12:43oh, that's the problem
12:45over the years
12:46it's become
12:47dilapidated
12:48they've estimated
12:49it'll cost a
12:49quarter of a million
12:50to repair it
12:51that's what the fund's
12:52for
12:54I'm grieved to say
12:55we've little or no
12:55chance of reaching our
12:56target
12:57oh, wait a minute
12:58maybe we can organise
12:59a charity dance match
13:00for you
13:00down the old
13:00nags head
13:01how much more
13:01money do you need?
13:04185,000
13:05I think we'll throw in
13:07a raffle
13:08not
13:09it's very, very
13:10kind of you
13:11Dale
13:11and I do appreciate it
13:13but I really think
13:14this is one battle
13:15that we've lost
13:17they can't knock it down
13:19and what's gonna happen
13:20to all the old
13:20and sick people
13:21living there?
13:21well
13:22they'll move them
13:23out first
13:27I know
13:27I know that
13:29but I mean
13:30to where?
13:31oh, who knows
13:33they'll probably
13:34be dispersed
13:35to the four quarters
13:36of the metropolis
13:37far away from
13:38their friends
13:38and relatives
13:39I mean
13:40they're all
13:41local people
13:42in St. Mary's
13:42I know
13:43they looked after
13:45my old mum
13:45when she was ill
13:47treated her well
13:48and all
13:48and my old granddad
13:51bless him
13:53mind you
13:53he used to moan
13:54a lot at them
13:57they can't knock it down
14:00can they?
14:01well
14:02it's out of our hands
14:03look
14:04I'll be honest
14:05Richard L
14:07for the past
14:08six or seven months
14:08since I first
14:09heard of the plans
14:10for the hospice
14:10my faith
14:11has been
14:12severely tested
14:14all my efforts
14:15and prayers
14:16have failed
14:18you know
14:19I
14:20I feel as if
14:21I've let the people down
14:22oh no
14:23come on
14:23come on
14:24don't talk like that
14:24father
14:25hey
14:26come on
14:26something will turn up
14:28remember the old saying
14:30he who dares
14:31wins
14:31well
14:32well
14:33I'll bear it in mind
14:39say a prayer for me
14:40dear
14:41yeah
14:41I will
14:57sweet Jesus
15:00Derek
15:01I'm putting it in
15:02I'm putting it in
15:03come down here
15:05quickly
15:05what's happening
15:06come and see this
15:08hurry
15:11who is he
15:12look
15:14huh
15:14oh
15:45look at me
15:46I'm putting it in
15:46round there
15:47come
15:48a sign
15:49a sign
15:53that we can make
15:54a fortune
15:54what
15:56can't you see
15:57what we got ourselves
15:58an authentic
15:59deluxe miracle
16:00they go for a bomb
16:02these days
16:02how can you talk
16:03about money
16:04at a time like this
16:05what do you want
16:06to talk about
16:07your holidays
16:08to see the opportunity
16:09you're being presented
16:10with here
16:11hey
16:11people will pay
16:12hard cash
16:13just to see
16:14this sort of thing
16:14look
16:15I have no intention
16:16of turning my church
16:17into some
16:19fairground peep show
16:20and how could I
16:21charge my own flock
16:23to see
16:25their miracle
16:26no no no
16:26I'm not talking about
16:27your flock
16:27I'm talking about
16:28the newspapers
16:28magazines
16:29the television
16:30the media people
16:31will pay through
16:31their noses
16:32just to get this
16:32sort of thing
16:33on their front pages
16:34I don't know
16:34if it's right
16:35Derek
16:35listen those old people
16:36down at St Mary's
16:37hospice
16:37they'd think it
16:38right wouldn't they
16:38listen to me
16:39with the money
16:40that you could earn
16:41out of this
16:41you could have
16:42that place
16:42repaired
16:43redecorated
16:43and get
16:44Samantha Fox
16:44to reopen it
16:45for you
16:48yeah
16:49of course
16:50I mean
16:50she don't come
16:51cheap
16:51but I'll see
16:52what I can do
16:56save the hospital
16:58hey of course
16:58of course
16:59we can
16:59it'd be
16:59a doddle
16:59where's your phone
17:01it's all right
17:01no it's all right
17:01no I'll find it
17:02I'll find it
17:02you
17:04I don't think
17:05I could exploit
17:08now you couldn't
17:09father
17:09but I'm shit
17:10hot at it
17:18look at it
17:20just look at it
17:21will ya
17:22get that thing
17:23away from me
17:23well what am I supposed to tell
17:25Biffo
17:26I'll let Uri Geller
17:27have a go on it
17:28tell you what you want
17:29so that ain't my problem
17:30and you chucked
17:32all that rubbish
17:32down the chute
17:33knowing I was at the bottom
17:34I had to have a shower
17:35and everything
17:35I didn't chuck
17:36the rubbish
17:37down the chute
17:37must have been
17:38one of the neighbours
17:39I found your kipper
17:41could have been
17:41anyone's kipper
17:42oh yeah
17:43how many kippers
17:44wear brute
17:48is that what
17:49that horrible taste was
17:50yeah
17:51you sprinkled it
17:52without a shave
17:53yes I did
17:53to get even with you
17:54I wish I hadn't
17:55told you where
17:56your trumpet was now
17:57so do I actually
17:59hold that
18:05hello
18:06Del you want to see
18:07what Rumpelstiltskin's
18:09done to his trumpet
18:10he's only gone and
18:11ch-
18:13oh sorry
18:16what do you mean
18:17phone Reuters
18:21you seen the what
18:24what happened
18:24did Boise buy a round
18:28all right
18:30keep your hair on
18:31yeah
18:36bloody hell
18:38yeah
18:39hold on
18:43yeah right
18:44okay
18:44yeah
18:45Reuters
18:46Tess
18:49Peckham Echo
18:53oh right
18:54yeah BBC
18:56ITV
18:57right
18:57what about
18:57Channel 4
18:59oh no
19:00right
19:00okay
19:02yeah
19:02yeah I've got it all
19:03it's all here mate
19:04yeah okay
19:05yeah take care
19:07I'll see you later on
19:07yeah
19:08see ya
19:08bye
19:09bye
19:10he's flipped
19:11he's got completely
19:13bloody loopy
19:15what's happened
19:16he's seen a miracle
19:18a miracle
19:19well that's what the man said
19:22hang on a minute
19:23last night he was talking about God
19:26this morning he went to church
19:28this afternoon he's seen a miracle
19:31can only mean one thing
19:33he's caught religion
19:34no he's pulling a stroke
19:36isn't he
19:37oh well come on
19:38think about it
19:39there's cardinals
19:40and archbishops
19:41they've been in a business
19:42all their lives
19:42they never got a sniff
19:43of a miracle
19:44then along comes Del
19:45he's in the game
19:46five minutes
19:47and already he's a prophet
19:50yeah prophet
19:51being the operative word
19:53how's he gonna make money
19:54out of the church
20:08nothing's happened though
20:09eh
20:09they've been waiting three days
20:12and nothing's happened
20:12no
20:13no no
20:14here father
20:15look at these contracts
20:16I worked them out in such a way
20:17that if they want to sell any of the photographs
20:19or films of the miracle
20:20anywhere else in the world
20:21they've got to pay you again
20:22you made them sign contracts
20:24of course I have
20:25it's business innit
20:26no poppy
20:27no pictures
20:27that's my motto
20:28but what happens if the medical doesn't occur again
20:31well give them their money back I suppose
20:33don't worry
20:34don't worry
20:34I always get this feeling
20:36you know
20:36when a miracle's due
20:37I've got a feeling
20:39it could be pretty soon too
20:40well I hope you're right
20:42trust me
20:42trust me
20:46my luck
20:47well you know
20:48sort of
20:48here
20:48take the butchers at that
20:50will you
20:54they're paying you all that money
20:55yeah
20:56that's right
20:57well it's not every day
20:58they get a chance to see a miracle
21:00is it eh
21:00that's just the British media
21:02you wait till the rest of the world's press get here
21:04look at all those nooks Rodney
21:05yeah
21:06you can see his game now
21:07can't you
21:07what are you talking about
21:08you're gonna cream some off
21:10aren't you
21:11you listen to me Albert
21:12I am not the sort of bloke
21:14who cheats on the sick and the elderly
21:15you put your peepers down there
21:17you'll see that
21:17all cheats are made payable
21:19to St Mary's Hospice Fund
21:21yeah sorry
21:22that's all right
21:23simply want to keep that place open
21:24that's all
21:25and you better pray that I succeed
21:26why
21:27because one more crack out of you
21:29and you're gonna be their next client
21:32David
21:32well take a look at this will you
21:34I'm going
21:34come on
21:35okay
21:35I'm going
21:36nice
21:37got it
21:38yeah
21:38okay
21:39two
21:39one
21:40that's it
21:41all right
21:42five
21:42five
21:42five
21:43five
21:50good one lovely
21:51thank you
22:00good day
22:01Australian Broadcasting
22:02good day to you
22:03sign that bell
22:04well what is it
22:05it tells you how much you've got to pay
22:07to take pictures of the finest little miracle
22:09this side I have
22:12it's truth
22:15right listen
22:16Christ
22:17what we're going to do while we're waiting
22:19you know save us getting bored
22:20we're going to have another little collection
22:21all right
22:22there
22:23there we go
22:23come on that's it
22:24thank you very much
22:25come on everybody
22:25now let's dig deep deep
22:27come on it's for the poor and the needy
22:29that's right
22:29thank you
22:30no coins please
22:31because it scratches the future
22:34thank you
22:34thank you
22:35thank you
22:35merci beaucoup
22:36very nice thank you
22:38oh hello
22:38now you're off and running
22:41over here
22:42just a minute
22:42just a minute
22:43johnny you sign that contract please
22:46thank you
22:48mind the camera there will you
22:49thank you
22:50thank you very much
22:52there we are Rodney
22:54it's done my son
22:57this is the happiest day of my life
22:59yeah I know what you mean father
23:01but it's rien
23:03nova blue
23:04as a French would say
23:11oh yeah sure
23:12who's it for then the wife or the kids
23:15it's a receipt for all the collections
23:17eh
23:18oh right
23:19thank you
23:20my friends
23:22who's called Bruce
23:23is it Potter
23:24yes
23:24Sandra Cox
23:25NBC New York
23:26eh
23:26father O'Keefe told me that you actually prophesied the miracle
23:30um yes that's true
23:32that's me
23:32uh-huh
23:33I wonder if you might have a short interview
23:35for our viewers over in the states
23:38yes of course
23:41mic up
23:42it's a mic up
23:47everyone gone
23:49oh yes
23:50yes
23:51they have all they need
23:52and so do we
23:53all thanks to your nephew
23:55yeah
23:56he brought you nothing but luck didn't he
23:58unfortunately he also brings the weather with him
24:00every time he prophesies a miracle
24:03that's been pouring with rain
24:20and what form do these divine messages take
24:25well um
24:27what happens is
24:28I get this strange
24:29sort of feeling
24:30rising
24:30from the centre of my body
24:32at first I thought it was a dodgy mutton teacup
24:35then I realised that I wasn't about a prophet
24:37you know many are called
24:39but I'm afraid few are chosen
24:44I do not want any reward for the work that I have done for the elderly and sick in the
24:49community
24:50no medals no OBEs no Nobel prizes no none of that
24:54I would like to think however if there is any money left over after repairing the hospice
24:59that um they might build a new wing and perhaps name it after me
25:03this would give me
25:04thank you
25:09sorry viewers
25:10the lord's work calls
25:12rudley
25:13look at my roof
25:31bloody hell
25:36and look
25:39the water
25:41seeping through the floor
25:43across the joists
25:45onto the lamp
25:48and right onto the statue
25:50this isn't a miracle
25:52it's a flaming leak
25:55oh that's a turn up isn't it eh
26:00somebody's stolen the lead
26:01god
26:02no you can't trust anyone these days can you
26:06no wait you're in luck
26:08ain't it because we got a load of lead you know
26:15I don't believe you
26:17so this is what you bought
26:19of sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek
26:21isn't it
26:22yeah
26:23I didn't know it at the time
26:25otherwise I wouldn't have touched it
26:27that's what I can't tell you
26:29ah but you didn't tell me
26:30well no
26:31I know
26:32not gross am I
26:34you knew all along it was no miracle
26:36you weren't receiving divine messages
26:39you were listening to the weather forecast
26:43yeah well
26:44we saved some Mary's out didn't we
26:47Derek
26:50look me in the eyes
26:55are you telling me
26:56that just for the sake of a small
26:58decrepit old building
27:00you created this whole tissue of lies and deceit
27:05you deliberately and willingly
27:07set out to defraud all those newspapers and television companies
27:11out of thousands and thousands of pounds
27:13is that what you're telling me
27:24thank god bless you my son
27:33I was going to do some lecture tours
27:36or nice prayer meetings at Wembley
27:38you know that sort of thing
27:40just tell him next year we was going to be millionaires
27:43this time next year you'd have been a prison inmate unless you watch your step
27:47if I was you Dill I would keep a very low profile
27:50thank you very much thank you corporate
27:52good luck
27:54thank you
27:55thank you
27:56thank you
27:57thank you
27:58thank you
27:59thank you
28:02thank you
28:07where's my trumpet
28:12where's my trumpet
28:14your trumpet yeah
28:16there's been a bit of a hitch on the old trumpet front mate
28:20you see that old man over there
28:23where's my trumpet
28:24ain't you going to do something
28:26yeah of course I am
28:28do you want to film some authentic inner city violence
28:32come on bring your cameras
28:34bring your wallets
28:35what have you done
28:36come on
28:54no income tax
28:56no VAT
28:58no money back
28:59no guarantee
29:01black or white
29:02rich or poor
29:04a wheel cut prices
29:06and a straw
29:09god bless
29:11hooky street
29:11viva
29:13hooky street
29:15long live
29:16hooky street
29:18same
29:18magnifique
29:19hooky street
29:21magnifique
29:22hooky street
29:25hooky street
29:28hooky street
29:30hooky street
29:30hooky street
29:31hooky street
29:31hooky street
29:31hooky street
29:31hooky street