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00:00Thank you very much.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:32Good evening and welcome to Two Eyes.
00:35One of the things that was fashionable, sort of, well, late 19th century,
00:39if we're talking about how to woo, certainly amongst young Americans,
00:42were flirtation cards.
00:45So what you did, you printed your details on it and you left it at the home
00:48or you placed it in the hand of somebody that you thought,
00:50ooh, you're a bit nice. Messages might say,
00:53may I be permitted the blissful pleasure of escorting you home this evening?
00:57That would be the sort of thing, OK? Aw.
00:58Yeah, if you say it in that voice, it's nice.
01:00Yeah.
01:01Can I escort you home?
01:03You've all got flirtation cards on the desk.
01:05Right, Alan, what's your card?
01:07Well, mine are quite practical.
01:08Oh, OK.
01:09It says, all my work guaranteed to bring results.
01:16No extra charge for night work.
01:19Quite like that.
01:20LAUGHTER
01:22There's a charge.
01:24At the moment I find myself strangely attracted to you.
01:27LAUGHTER
01:28It's taken ten years.
01:30LAUGHTER
01:32Give me a child before going elsewhere.
01:35I mean, that's a bit needy, isn't it?
01:37Give me a child before going elsewhere.
01:39Give me a child before going elsewhere.
01:41LAUGHTER
01:42No extra charge for night work.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45All my work's guaranteed to bring results.
01:49Don't run away, will you go?
01:51LAUGHTER
01:53Make it stop!
01:54I think you need to have a flat cap at the same time, doing that, don't you?
01:59It's having your forelock.
02:01Yeah, doing that.
02:02OK, that's creepy.
02:03Er...
02:04Right, Maisie.
02:05Er...
02:06OK.
02:07Come and see our new lamp.
02:10LAUGHTER
02:13I like that one.
02:14I'm intrigued.
02:15Come and see our new lamp.
02:17You can turn it down so low that there is scarcely any light at all.
02:21P.S. Our sofa just holds two.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:27Is this, like, an old booty call?
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31So, these flirtation cards were actually very popular
02:33and one was used in evidence in a murder trial.
02:35Er...
02:36In 1879, a man called Edward Reinhardt in New York,
02:40he was accused of killing his wife Mary Ann
02:42and the Brooklyn Eagle newspaper reported that he had accepted
02:46a flirtation card from a woman in the street
02:49which suggested he was a man of questionable character.
02:52Ooh.
02:53Ooh.
02:54I mean...
02:55So it's his fault for accepting the card?
02:56Yeah.
02:57I think the fact that he buried his wife in a barrel
02:59and married somebody else...
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01..is worse.
03:02Yes.
03:03He'd be harder to bury a barrel in a wife, wouldn't he?
03:06LAUGHTER
03:07Now, what have you got, Rasheen?
03:16I've got myself a rat.
03:18OK.
03:19What do you reckon?
03:20How would you use that to win a war?
03:22Well, I reckon it was love rats.
03:23I think they just got a bunch of hot men...
03:25Yeah.
03:26..or women...
03:27Yeah.
03:28..or whoever into an area
03:29and just sort of got the soldiers absolutely horned up.
03:33OK.
03:34So, it is the use of an actual rat.
03:36Diseases.
03:37Yeah, plague.
03:38Terrible diseases.
03:39I mean, that is a thought.
03:40It's another kind of biological weapon.
03:42No, the idea was, 1941,
03:44the British military intelligence officers filled rodents with explosives.
03:47Rat attack!
03:48Yes.
03:49They made rat bombs.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:53They made rat bomb.
03:54The rat is dead.
03:55Can I just say, there's rat is missing?
03:57The rat's not like,
03:58Oh, what is that?
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02Can you get a ticket?
04:03Can you get a ticket?
04:05Jesus Christ!
04:06You're ticking as well!
04:07You're ticking as well!
04:08What are you ticking?
04:09They're not rationing out the Vaseline!
04:11Christ!
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13It's driving me mad!
04:15The chicken's driving me mad!
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18Anyway, the plan was to leave them near factory boiler rooms in Germany
04:22and here was the theory.
04:23Somebody in Germany would see a dead rat
04:25and they'd think,
04:26Oh, we can't have that there,
04:27and they would throw it straight into the furnace.
04:29Oh.
04:30And then, even though it was only a small amount of explosive...
04:33Yeah.
04:34..it would be enough to cause a massive blast.
04:36Do you think it worked?
04:37Yes.
04:38Rat attack.
04:39Somebody said,
04:40No, I'm going to go with them.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:43It sort of worked,
04:44because the Nazis intercepted the first batch
04:47and they thought that the Allies must be doing this all the time
04:50and they'd hidden loads,
04:51so they wasted loads of time looking for rat bombs
04:54and, in fact, deactivating rat bombs
04:57was studied in German military school.
04:59Wow!
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01Now, I've got something which is walrus-related.
05:03I'm going to have to wear gloves in order to show it to you.
05:06What do you think I might be showing you?
05:09Is it a bit of a walrus?
05:10Is it a bit of a walrus?
05:11Yes, it's an astonishing bit.
05:12Is it a tusk?
05:13Balls!
05:14Sorry.
05:15Weirdly, Nabil, you are closer.
05:17OK?
05:18A penis!
05:19Well...
05:20So...
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22So, you two both get a point,
05:24because male walruses have a penis bone or a baculum,
05:30and this is such a thing.
05:32Oh, my God.
05:33Wow, it looks like a rounder's bat.
05:34It's...
05:35Well, they have been used as clubs in the past.
05:37This has been lent to us by the Grant Museum.
05:39I thought you were going to say it was lent to you by a walrus.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:43I want it back!
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46The Grant Museum of the UCL.
05:48Had it since 1828.
05:49Do go and have a look.
05:50It's the most fantastic museum.
05:52Anyway, they've lent us this.
05:53So, why might...
05:54They lent you a boner?
05:55Yes.
05:56Why might they want to have a bone inside that...
05:59Is it a rudder?
06:00Is it a rudder?
06:01No.
06:02No, it means they can start mating without waiting for an erection.
06:05Why doesn't everyone have that?
06:07Who said everyone doesn't?
06:08LAUGHTER
06:11It's an absolute monster.
06:12It's...
06:13It is big, isn't it?
06:14And I say that with no experience whatsoever.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17You can tell by the way you're holding it.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19We've got a picture up of all of the planets.
06:33Does anybody know...
06:34Does anybody...
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Does anybody know a mnemonic to remind themselves of the order of the planets?
06:42Oh...
06:43Chris, do you have one to remind us of?
06:44My...
06:45My...
06:46My...
06:47Um...
06:48Mines.
06:49..
06:56What's next?
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58J...
06:59J...
07:00J?
07:01J...?
07:02J...
07:03J...
07:04J?
07:05J?
07:07not
07:08penises
07:17Counted Pluto as the last well just for the gag for the gag. Let's not let science ruin comedy
07:25So we are going to play a quick game of which Welsh word is which
07:37So we're going to have a list of words put up here and we're going to choose one let's just a list of anagram
07:47Right, let's choose ping log. How do you say it? Peng log. Oh, okay
07:52Why is she's like a native?
07:54Right go for it ping log peng log skull skull ellis
07:59uh that feeling you get when you've had one pint too many
08:03Okay, and griff it's the u-bend in a toilet
08:16Ruling out ellis. Yeah, my 18th birthday. I was peng log
08:23Because it didn't I doesn't feel like a thing you'd have a word for but then I have been to wales quite
08:29And by about six o'clock on a saturday most people are paying
08:33I'm going to go with griff
08:37The toilet goes glock fine, okay
08:40The toilet's a bit ping log
08:42Okay, is that right?
08:43It's onomatopoeic but wrong. Oh, so who is it?
08:48It means skull. It means skull. Yes. Okay. All right. Let's try another one. Let's try
08:54Clostinoddy
08:55Top of the middle. How do we say it?
08:57Clistnoddy
08:58Clist? Clistnoddy. So close to rude. Okay
09:02Clistnoddy. Right, uh griff. Hemorrhoids
09:09I'm gonna go with that. Yes. When you come back from the shop
09:12And the one thing you went to buy you've forgotten
09:20Baked beans
09:22Hemorrhoids baked beans or the thing you forgot that you're meant to get
09:26Okay, the metal team color
09:28Uh, it's a bird. No, okay, no, okay, no, okay
09:32Didn't be scared by you. Okay, okay
09:35That is why they banned it
09:45The producer speaks in my ear and says none of you have given the correct definitions
09:50We had a conversation and I said you were meant to give the right answer and he went well, it wasn't me
09:59Okay, we didn't do this word
10:05Is that what it means? I don't know. Does it mean conspiracy?
10:10Well, I'm ruling out hemorrhoid
10:142016 bbc radio 4 broadcast a serialized version of the erotic feminist fiction
10:20Fear of flying at 10 45
10:23In the morning on woman's hour. Yeah, uncensored swearing depictions of graphic sex scenes
10:27I've got i've had a terrible mix-up with this book, you know
10:30So erica jong wrote that book elton john wrote
10:35You speak up for tom sorry i'll put the subtitles on
10:40Erica jong wrote this book called fear of flying and it was um really sexual in a really open titillating way
10:47And then a decade later maybe two decades later she writes a book called fear of dying about losing a parent an amazing book about grief
10:54two people
10:55I knew who'd recently lost parents and david baddiel david baddiel and adam buxton
11:00And i wrote them an adjoined email saying i've just read this really incredible book
11:12Fear of dying erica jong do it so they both read fear of flying
11:16I'm thinking why the fuck is sarah pasco
11:22I can't mean to read about this shagging woman all the time
11:25Because my mum died
11:30Oh sandy i'd forgotten that nice memory
11:32Sorry
11:35There are lots of other extinct giant birds there's the thunderbirds
11:40They're not extinct thunderbirds are gone
11:47They remade thunderbirds in the kind of computerized animation way and the kids
11:53Loved it and i said it's not as good as the old one
11:56And i showed them the old one and they couldn't believe how long it took
12:00For thunderbird two to take off it was
12:05Came out of the thing and the palm trees went down and then the thing
12:08So how long before it took us in the new one it goes
12:13So it's like postman perhaps a similar thing for him
12:15Oh he's in a helicopter now
12:17He's in a helicopter now
12:18That for me that's too much
12:20Yeah
12:20That whole episode used to be he's taking someone a birthday card
12:24And now
12:25No wonder the post office is in financial trouble
12:31To go from village to village because of the emergency parcels
12:34They're all blaming it on the postmaster stealing money
12:38I do not want to hear about postman pat's chopper
12:43Did you know in postman pat by the way just as an aside
12:45Yes
12:46There's like a kind of inside joke that he's um shagging his way around greendale
12:51Really
12:52And if you look at all the kids in the school look like postman pat
12:59I was at paddington station not that long ago and there was a young young boy
13:03Who i hadn't got his phone and i taught him how to use a pay phone wow
13:08And it was one of the nicest moments of my life
13:11Are you sure it wasn't a defibrillator
13:17I was about to see my kitchen and had the tv on in the living room next door
13:21And i heard myself
13:25Saying something i'd never heard lines i'd never learned
13:28I was like well what is happening
13:30And i went in the other room and it was alistair mcgowan
13:34It wasn't even you
13:35And i'd previously thought he didn't do me very well
13:38He absolutely fooled me in my own home
13:41He's a seriously good impressionist that man
13:45Can i just confirm he was on the television and not in your front room
13:50I've got a thing which i think this is very good
13:53So what i've got in here is some white powder
13:57Explosives
13:58Bicarbonate of soda
13:59So it's often made from ground rose hips which are very very prickly
14:05It's itching powder
14:06It's itching powder
14:07So in the second world war the allied spies would dust nazi bedsheets with itching powder
14:12My favorite norwegian resistance people even coated the inside of condoms and sent them for free
14:27Sent them for free to brothels
14:31Let's move on to your one alan a watch what might you do in the wilderness to save yourself with a watch
14:35Uh, you could use it to direct sunlight
14:40Yes
14:40And uh burn ants
14:45Light a fire like that
14:47Well you could you have to take the convex lens cover off and use it to direct sunlight to create some fire you could
14:53Okay
14:53It has to be an analog watch and not a digital one
14:56But the main thing that you can do is use it as a compass
14:59Oh can you?
14:59Yes, so if you point the hour hand at the sun in the northern hemisphere
15:06That's a shame
15:08Imagine that's the sun right there
15:10Okay, so you point the hour hand at the sun and we are in the northern hemisphere
15:14The point between the hour hand and 12 o'clock roughly faces south
15:18In the southern hemisphere it roughly faces north
15:20Oh wow
15:21Doesn't that depend what time it is?
15:29Right the other cup in the picture is a pythagoras cup and you two have a pythagoras cup
15:34So we do
15:35Okay, can you put it on a tray for me?
15:37Now what I would like you to do please is to fill your cup
15:41Don't overfill it, okay is the thing that I'm going to say
15:47Should I keep going?
15:48Well, yes, I just keep going
15:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you've overfilled it
15:53Oh, oh, you idiot
15:55Yeah, yeah
15:59That's a shame, isn't it?
16:01Just for ruining QI
16:02We did it really well
16:05Down your knees, please turn this around
16:06What did you say?
16:08It's magic
16:08It's magic
16:09It's not coming out of the bottom until it is coming out of the bottom
16:11What are you talking about?
16:12So when it went above
16:13When it went above the proboscis
16:15Yes, yes
16:16I want to call it
16:17It started leaking out of the bottom
16:18So the theory is that pythagoras invented this to stop his students becoming greedy
16:22Because if any of them poured themselves too much wine
16:25The entire contents would drain away
16:28So what happens?
16:29Let me show you
16:30I've got one here
16:31The whole thing's emptied now
16:32It's fully emptied
16:33It's fully emptied
16:34How's that?
16:34Well, that is a siphon effect
16:36So it's got this thing in the middle and it has a hole the other end
16:40And I will show you how it works on the chart here
16:44Oh, look at she's got a pointer
16:45They've given me a pointer
16:50It's got a hole in the bottom here
16:52And the water or the wine can all go all the way up here
16:55If you only fill it to here you can see that the wine doesn't go down through
17:00But if you fill it above then the siphon effect starts immediately
17:06Like getting petrol out of a...
17:07It is exactly like that darling
17:09And what will happen is all of it will pour out the bottom
17:12So the idea is to not fill it above the column
17:16So clever
17:16I always wondered how the fabric softener got out of the tray in the washing machine
17:22Wow, you really need to get out more
17:28Practising my signature came into its own
17:31When I signed the largest cheque in the history of this country
17:35When you were the Lord Commissioner of the Treasury
17:36I was a Lord Commissioner of the Treasury and I signed a cheque for 137 billion pounds
17:42What did you buy?
17:44Social Security payments first quarter
17:46Every bit of government expenditure has to be signed off by a Treasury Minister
17:52And I was the junior Treasury Minister
17:54The Lord Commissioner of the Treasury who had to do this
17:56They explained to me with these big cheques the billion pound cheques
17:59You'll be doing them with the head of the Treasury
18:00I said who's that?
18:01They said it was the Queen
18:03So I would go down the mile with the government cheque book
18:05To sign these huge cheques with the Queen
18:07Our signatures together
18:09And the first time I did this I wasn't sure what the etiquette was
18:10You know I didn't want to patronise her
18:12Because she was a woman saying after you
18:14Oh and he'd pull rank because I was the elected one
18:16Anyway she was
18:23She was holding the pen and she seemed to think she should sign first
18:26So I let her
18:27Big loopy handwriting Elizabeth R
18:29And then I put mine underneath
18:30Almost as big but I know my place
18:33And the last time we did this
18:34This was the cheque for 137 billion pounds
18:37It was she who told me it was the largest cheque she had ever signed
18:40And she said you know the way the government insists on the two of us signing these cheques
18:44I can't help wondering which of the two of us it is the government doesn't entirely trust
19:00What about in Wallace and Gromit when the penguin puts the glove on its head
19:04That's one of my favourite things that's ever happened in film
19:07And then everyone thinks it's a chicken
19:10You know I've got a 12 year old friend of mine
19:12And I said to her I said have you been watching any films over Christmas
19:16And she said oh I loved that film about the gay couple
19:18They were drinking a lot of tea and talking about cheese
19:21And I said are you talking about Wallace and Gromit
19:24And she said yes I said what made you think it was a gay couple
19:29She said oh he keeps going
19:31So now our sign for anybody we think might be gay we all go
19:43Who communicates by wobbling their melons
19:52Certain actresses in films starring benny hill in the 1960s
19:58Barbara windsor we're back to the welsh young farmers again
20:01Aren't we
20:03So we're still with whales
20:05So here's all the different kinds that there are
20:07And one of them communicates by wobbling their melons
20:09Which one do you think it might oh is it
20:12Is it the beluga it is the beluga and I like that you just did that because
20:16That's kind of they look like they need coloring in
20:22So they live in the arctic similar kind of length and weight as a volkswagen beetle
20:26Okay, that's kind of how big they are and so they have these big bumps on the front of their heads
20:30They're made of a waxy fat and they can change the shape of it at will and that is how they communicate
20:38They order them 30 times more often when they're socializing than when they're alone the latest research shows
20:43Let's have a quick look because it is sort of astonishing
20:48Oh that's what my kids are like when they have ice cream
20:57So it seems to be associated with courtship but obviously there is a whole language there that we haven't decoded it's painful
21:04I can't
21:14In ethiopia, there is a walled city of harar. How do you think the recycling is done in this city?
21:21Are they have they got the bins? They've got the wheelie bins?
21:23It's nothing to do with bins. Are they are they using pigs?
21:26It is an animal to chew glass
21:29Well, it's not necessarily glass it's all the other stuff all of the waste products that you might put out
21:33Are tiny weevils? No hyenas
21:38When it gets dark they let them in through a series of hyena doors and they eat whatever is left in the streets
21:45And because they're nocturnal they go back to their dens during the day
21:48I don't think they could do glass selling but they can bite they can bite through bone
21:51Yeah, fine
21:52And digest anything from hair to hooves
21:56And because of their diet their poo is almost entirely white like the dogs in the 80s. Do you remember? Yes
22:03White dog poo is making a return
22:05Because everyone's doing raw food my dogs poo white after 24 hours
22:09Well, I mean, thank you
22:13It comes out white it doesn't turn white
22:15Dark within 24 hours it's gone white
22:17Darling are you not supposed to pick it up in a bag you're not supposed to leave it for 24 hours and go back and see how it's
22:22It's a really sordid version of autumn watch
22:26Just sitting there watching a poo turn white over two evenings
22:30We need to pull a pashmina out of my dog's arse
22:33No, just never pull
22:35Must never pull
22:35It's got to go through naturally
22:37That's why it died
22:45Smaller people
22:46Yeah
22:46Live longer than taller people
22:48Yes
22:49Yes
22:49But smaller species
22:51Have a shorter life span than bigger species
22:53So within a species
22:55Right
22:55You're better off being a smaller version of it
22:57Statistically you'll both outlive us
22:59You sound like a man on a first date
23:01Yes, thank you
23:02And furthermore and furthermore you will fit nicely into the boat of my car
23:13So I'm just going to warn you now I'm going to show you some whale porn
23:19Yeah
23:22So some whales, grey whales, right whales
23:24They're made in triads and basically they have a wingman that stops the couples drifting apart
23:28So the threesome is just two animals and one being like no, no, no
23:35Yeah
23:36Yeah
23:37No
23:37No
23:38No
23:40No
23:41Shipping it's legend
23:42She said she was close
23:43You're there now
23:44You're there now
23:45To the end
23:46To the end
23:47Stop swimming
23:47You the bruv
23:48Back up
23:48Back up
23:49Back up
23:49Back up
23:50Don't check your phone
23:51Get back, go on
23:53You know the wonderful song Moon River by Johnny Massa?
23:58It's got a great line in it, My Huckleberry Friend.
24:00It's one of the kind of great lyrics of all time.
24:02And Huckleberry was a placeholder by Johnny Massa when he was writing it
24:06because he wanted that sound, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, and he thought,
24:09I'll just put that in for a moment, and then they recorded it
24:12and it has now become one of the great lyrics of all time.
24:14I never knew what apple-bottom jeans were.
24:16Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:18Who'd sweep the fur...
24:20Do you know that? No!
24:22No!
24:23The whole world's looking at her.
24:26She got the flow.
24:28You know, she got low, low, low, low.
24:32Do you have one of those buzzers to stop people auditioning?
24:35Sorry?
24:36It's the young people's turn now!
24:40And as soon as some young people turn up, we'll...
24:43You've each got a candle, can you guess what those candles are meant to smell like?
24:53Ooh!
24:54So let's start with you, Alan.
24:56What do you think that smells like?
24:58Oh!
24:59Oh!
25:00Nice and a bite!
25:01That's horrendous!
25:02What it is, it's garlicky and acrid, and I don't know why anybody would want this.
25:07It's supposed to smell of mustard gas.
25:10Oh!
25:11Did you just poison Alan for a question?
25:14That's very well.
25:15It's for people who want to evoke First World War battlefields.
25:18Oh, God!
25:19I mean, that really fits a lovely sort of dinner party.
25:22I know!
25:23Come in, sit down.
25:24A bit of mustard gas.
25:26Wow!
25:27Oh, Ned.
25:28What is your one?
25:29Is that vinegar?
25:30Uh...
25:31It's chips.
25:32It's cheese and onion.
25:33Oh, is it?
25:34Oh, crisps, yeah.
25:35Deliso?
25:36Mine's actually quite pleasant.
25:37I can't place it, but I know this scent.
25:38Is it, like, licorice or something?
25:40Well, it's petrol.
25:41Oh!
25:42Oh!
25:43Give us a...
25:44I like that.
25:46Do you not remember when you're younger at the petrol station, rolling down the window,
25:50when your mum was filling up the tank and just goes...
25:53What?
25:54So, here's the thing.
25:57The smell of petrol is why one might like it.
26:00It temporarily suppresses the nervous system, so it gives you a sort of euphoric feeling.
26:05But it's incredibly bad for you because the chemicals disrupt messaging in the brain,
26:09as well as the ability of the blood to carry oxygen.
26:12But that candle promises the joys of that forbidden fragrance without brain damage.
26:17Oh!
26:18I mean, if you did it a lot when you were younger, like, you'd be fine.
26:23Just sniff your candle, darling.
26:27What have you got?
26:28What do you think that is?
26:30What?
26:32You don't like it?
26:33That is just...
26:34Is it vomit?
26:35No, it's not!
26:37What is it?
26:38Cumin breast milk.
26:39I feel we're on a theme with you.
26:40No.
26:41Did you not like it at all?
26:42It's making me feel very uncomfortable.
26:56Delisa.
26:57Give her some more petrol, don't you?
26:59Yeah.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01APPLAUSE
27:06Here's another song that was originally written for New Year, but what is the first line?
27:11What are you going to say?
27:12La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
27:26Is it deck the halls with something and Holly?
27:36Deck the halls with...
27:37No.
27:38No.
27:39No.
27:40The bars of Holly.
27:41So I asked for the original lyrics, and it's an old Welsh tune called Nosgallen or New Year.
27:47The oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this.
27:51Oh, I like that.
28:08Oh, how soft my fair one's bosom.
28:10Absolute filth.
28:14Let's all go and join the choir and sing. Off you go, people.
28:21There were thousands, la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
28:24La-la-la-la-la-la.
28:25Oh, how sick'd the growing blossom?
28:27Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
28:30APPLAUSE
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