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00:00In New York City's Storied Underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:12Have you ever had your prostate stimulated?
00:16Is a question that I read.
00:18Perhaps with one of your Emmys.
00:20My mother is here.
00:22Our mission?
00:23To liberate society of its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:27Our secondary mission? To demonstrate the limitless comedic potential of Microsoft PowerPoint.
00:33In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against each other and the political establishment.
00:39Their goal? To win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it and an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
00:46But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:51This is the fight of our lives.
00:53This is the future we've been waiting for.
00:57This is Abolish Everything.
01:08Tonight's abolitionists.
01:11Allison Leiby.
01:13Michael Cruz Kane.
01:15Jonathan Appel.
01:18And Joe Sundin.
01:19Thank you all so much for watching Abolish Everything.
01:29I'm your host, Chandler Dean.
01:34Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce the political establishment.
01:41And Chief Justice of the political establishment, Andy Vega.
01:58Look at these people.
01:59They sit atop a throne of regional theater competitions.
02:03I am out of competition, but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:07Are you ready to abolish everything?
02:12Then without further ado, my time starts now.
02:17My friends, despite the best efforts of activists and advocates across the world, inequality remains rampant.
02:23There is still so much work left to be done if we are to overcome the injustices of the past.
02:29That is why we need to abolish the white thumbs up emoji.
02:37Why are you emphasizing?
02:40You know what I mean?
02:41Look, maybe I'm insane.
02:44But when I see this emoji, I hear, sounds good.
02:48When I see this emoji, I hear, sounds good, white style.
02:53This is particularly weird in the working world.
02:58Even though I host this show, I also have a day job.
03:01Of course, I work at OnlyFans Corporate.
03:04You only get paid monthly, but the benefits are fantastic.
03:08And whenever people are voting on something in Slack, this is what it looks like.
03:13What are we doing counting the number of white votes?
03:20It does not seem to me that there is any reason to tally those separately anymore.
03:26Now look, obviously, if you're a person of color and you prefer to use emojis that reflect how you look, I think that's great.
03:32Fear not, you have my permission.
03:34But white people already have enough digital representation as it is.
03:41We are already Mario, Mr. Monopoly, and of course, Amtrak's virtual assistant, Julie.
03:52Who's got two thumbs and is perfectly satisfied with the current number of white thumbs in media?
03:57This guy.
03:59Meanwhile, Mario Kart has never had a single black character.
04:03But don't worry, you can play as all seven of these no-name freaks.
04:10Abolishing the white thumbs up emoji would also clear up ambiguity about which skin tone emoji that white people should be using.
04:17Because the answer would be none of them.
04:20Right now, we are stuck in the precarious situation where some white people think we can get away with using a skin tone that's a little bit darker than what we actually are.
04:29Listen, this might be controversial, but your thumbs up emoji need not reflect that you just got back from the beach, nor that you are Italian.
04:40That's what this one is for.
04:45That one stays white.
04:48Now, there is one big counter-argument.
04:51Chandler, if white people use the yellow emoji, doesn't that perpetuate the pernicious implication that white is the default?
04:58No.
05:01It implies that we are Simpsons.
05:04Also, I think that this could be a great euphemism for white people going forward.
05:10Is he, you know, a resident of Springfield?
05:12So, let's just use this one.
05:16We don't feel the need to assert our race when we express how starstruck we are, or how verklempt we are, or how horny we are, or how horny we are, or how horny we are.
05:33So, let's give a big, racially neutral, one-finger salute, and abolish the white thumbs up emoji.
05:41I yield my time.
05:45The political establishment will now have the opportunity to rebut me, and their time starts now.
05:50Chandler, I couldn't help but notice the scissor emoji in the horny emojis, and I'm curious how you are using that to express your horniness.
06:00Well, um, I wanted to be inclusive of the LGBTQIA community, and I think I have to leave it at that.
06:11Well, I want to thank you for turning us all on at the end of your presentation.
06:16But I am concerned, Chandler, if your worry is white people using the wrong skin tone, eliminating the one that they should be using only makes the dumber ones continue to use the ones they shouldn't use.
06:29For example, my whole family.
06:33I'm just saying, I think that, again, when you get your phone, the yellow one is the one that shows up.
06:38And if all white people just knew, don't go mucking around.
06:41But Chandler, it's the one that shows up at the beginning.
06:44But if you are one to already use one that is not your skin tone, that is now the new default.
06:49You expect my 70-year-old parents to go and change it to The Simpsons?
06:53That's confusing to them.
06:55First of all, The Simpsons appeals to all ages.
06:58I have no doubt that they would be delighted by Homer and his antics.
07:00When I was growing up, I was told I couldn't watch The Simpsons because it made adults look dumb, and that is true.
07:07I think we could get Android and Apple to just issue an update that in the night turns it back to this.
07:13I don't think it would be a problem.
07:15Chandler Dean, you stupid asshole.
07:18You said that there are no black characters in Mario Kart, but what do you think black Yoshi is?
07:31Wow.
07:32Do you know?
07:33Do you think that he's from, like, Norway?
07:36Because his beautiful, melanated skin would not produce enough vitamin D, and he would get rickets.
07:43It is my belief that Yoshi is a dinosaur and does not belong to the black American race, no matter what color you set him as.
07:54Is that for you to decide?
07:55Wow.
07:56Wow.
07:59Unbelievable.
08:00I guess I would be willing to defer to a commission of black gamers if they wanted to decide, but I feel pretty confident that this is a totally uncontroversal belief.
08:09Look, this was a really hard presentation for me because you're taking away a lot of stuff that I want, like saying things are good white style.
08:19Ultimately, the white thumbs up is my skin color, so I'm sad that you might be taking that away.
08:25I also want to say, you did rub it in my face, that I auditioned for the part of Julie, the virtual Amtrak assistant.
08:32And I was told I was too sassy and sang a song from Wicked.
08:40I was also told, how did you find this audition room?
08:44So, it's just a little hard that you're kind of just, like, rubbing stuff in my face that I can't have.
08:49Well, I will say that even in this world, Jamie, you will still be white.
08:54We're not taking that away from you.
08:56I'm half white, by the way.
08:58And half?
08:58Yoshi.
08:59White.
08:59And that's time!
09:02Are you ready for your first abolitionist of the night?
09:07Our next abolitionist has written for the marvelous Mrs. Maisel and is the creator of Oh God, a show about abortion.
09:13Please welcome Allison Leiby.
09:15Hello!
09:23This is great.
09:24I am going to talk about something that I think about all the time, almost every single day.
09:30I think we should abolish chiropractors.
09:38People, I absolutely do not want to step on my neck.
09:41I am uniquely qualified to present on this topic because I have had four spine surgeries, which, not to brag.
09:52I used to joke during the Obama administration, I'm like, the next one on the punch card is free.
09:58And now under Trump, I'm like, if I need another surgery, RFK is going to come to my house and shoot me in the head like a racehorse.
10:03That's me.
10:07Proof.
10:07I had a spinal fusion in 2020.
10:10I have lived with back pain forever.
10:12Many people do.
10:13These are the things that you can do if you have back pain to treat it.
10:16There are good ideas.
10:18You can stretch your exercise, massage, acupuncture, physical therapy, take a handful of Advil every two hours, make an appointment with a real doctor.
10:28If you have back pain, what you shouldn't do is see a chiropractor.
10:33Now, let's get into why.
10:34For starters, it's called chiropractic.
10:39Chiropractic.
10:40It doesn't sound right.
10:41That sounds like a word that stupid people say to sound smart.
10:47Like, shouldn't it be like chiropractory or chiropractice?
10:50Like, chiropractic?
10:52More like chiropractic.
10:54Ick.
10:59Boo.
11:01That's a real doctor.
11:02You can tell by the stethoscope.
11:04Wikipedia, which is the only reliable source of information on the internet now, says that chiropractic is a form of alternative medicine concerned with the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of mechanical disorders of the muscular skeletal system, especially the spine.
11:17Chiropractic asks the question, what if a massage was loud and dangerous?
11:21Some chiropractors are anti-vaxxers.
11:25All of them can kill you.
11:27Chiropractors are called healthcare professionals.
11:30That's not a doctor, right?
11:32It's like when somebody's like, this is juice drink.
11:34And you're like, there's no fruit in there, is there?
11:35You're not supposed to see a chiropractor if you have a lot of different issues.
11:40Like, these are real reasons you shouldn't go.
11:42If you have severe osteoporosis, numbing, tingling, or loss of strength in your arms and legs, cancer in your spine, an increased risk of stroke, or if there is a bone in your upper neck that is formed wrong, you shouldn't see a chiropractor.
11:54But, like, those first two things are, like, why you would see a chiropractor.
11:59But in all seriousness, chiropractors do kill people.
12:02They aren't trained assassins, because they're, like, barely trained.
12:07But a lot of them work on people's necks.
12:09If you take nothing away from this, please don't let them touch your neck, ever.
12:12Because what happens, they put pressure on your neck, and they manipulate it.
12:18And occasionally, but not never, they will rip your arteries open, and you die.
12:24We're learning lessons.
12:26Oh, yeah, you might die.
12:27Die?
12:28Die.
12:29I just wanted to nail it, like, really drive it home.
12:33You could die.
12:34Chiropractic was invented by D.G. Palmer in the 1890s.
12:37And he claimed that he received the information for what chiropractic is from the other world during a seance.
12:47Seance.
12:49Not science.
12:51Seance.
12:54He claimed that the tenets of chiropractic were delivered to him in a seance from a doctor who died 50 years earlier.
13:01A dead doctor came in through a seance to tell him how to crack people's backs.
13:05This guy is a fucking nutjob.
13:07Like, I don't go to a gynecologist and she, like, pulls out a Ouija board, you know?
13:11Like, if my dentist had tarot cards, I'd call the police.
13:16So, in conclusion, people who should step on your neck.
13:21Rihanna.
13:23People who should not step on your neck.
13:26Chiropractors.
13:27Allison, um, I went to a chiropractor and, uh, one time.
13:36And he stepped on my neck and now I get to take Oxycontin every single day.
13:41Oh!
13:42And my life has never been better.
13:45I took one right before this and after we're done, I get to take another.
13:49Are you, do you want to take away my...
13:50I'm hanging on it like a lollipop.
13:51Yeah, it's great.
13:52Do you want to take away my Oxy?
13:54Because I'll go crazy.
13:55I'm going to go ahead and guess that the chiropractor didn't prescribe them to you because they're
13:59not doctors.
14:02But I can't argue with opioids.
14:06Allison, have you considered for the people who are letting themselves be killed by chiropractors
14:11that maybe the issue is, like, when I went to an acupuncturist and they said, if I didn't
14:17believe in it, it wouldn't work.
14:21Maybe they're simply not believing hard enough.
14:25Chiropractors believe in themselves because they're pretending to do medicine?
14:29Well, medical school is very expensive and usually I would agree in this sort of anti-lower
14:34class stance that someone might take, but I just, what else are these people supposed
14:39to do?
14:39Are they supposed to just become a mercenary?
14:41Because those jobs pay very well these days.
14:44I feel like they would be less threatening if they did.
14:48It was so awesome to hear that massages can be loud and dangerous as opposed to when Andy
14:55gives me massages and he says they need to be secret and quiet.
15:00Don't tell my wife.
15:04So that was really interesting to learn about and I appreciate you teaching that.
15:08Well, to be fair, Jamie, you're allowed to tell her, but you have to tell her in gibberish.
15:12Got it.
15:14Totally.
15:14Totally.
15:15The thing is, like, yes, chiropractors can kill people, but horny, anyone can kill people.
15:23That's true.
15:23And also anyone could be a chiropractor.
15:25Yes, and anyone can get a gun.
15:31I love it here.
15:32Love it here.
15:33Also, I have a really funny joke.
15:35Okay.
15:37We'll see.
15:38My dentist does use tarot cards and she pulled out the three of cups of mouthwash.
15:50And that's comedy.
15:52And that's the comedy we like to hear.
15:54Yeah.
15:55Also, I don't like this attitude that we can't, like, learn things from ghosts.
15:59Have you watched that movie where the ghosts come and then he doesn't kill him or he does kill himself?
16:09Or what's that movie called?
16:10Most of the movies I watch, they end up killing themselves.
16:12And that's time!
16:16Hopefully this episode does not end that way.
16:19Andy, don't watch the show.
16:20Our next abolitionist has written for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and his one-man show, Sorry for Your Loss, is coming to drop out in 2026.
16:28Give it up for Michael Cruz Kane.
16:39So, just imagine this scenario, if you will, and it's probably happened to you, so it won't be that hard to imagine.
16:44You're at a restaurant, let's say it's Mexican or Peruvian, you know, and you're with your aunt and her new boyfriend who are in town from, say, Iowa or whatever.
16:54And the waiter says, we've got a special at this restaurant and it's ceviche.
16:57And your aunt goes, oh, ceviche, isn't that raw seafood?
17:01And her boyfriend goes, no, no, babe, the ceviche is cooked with the lime.
17:06You guys know what I'm talking about?
17:07Okay, right on.
17:08I think we should abolish saying ceviche is cooked with the lime juice.
17:18I don't believe that.
17:23Because it is not true.
17:28Here's how I know.
17:29Yes?
17:30Okay.
17:30So, like, here are things you cook stuff with, for example.
17:35Yeah?
17:35Stoves.
17:36Absolutely.
17:37Like, kind of a no-brainer.
17:38You're, like, right away, that's the first thing you think.
17:40Second, what are we talking about?
17:42Ovens.
17:42Absolutely.
17:44How's about microwaves?
17:46Fantastic.
17:47We're going to throw in probably lasers.
17:49I don't know, but I believe that you could.
17:51And also, probably guns of some kind.
17:54I bet it would work.
17:56Now, also, I just want to go back to the ovens one because I like the sense of wonder that this lady looks into the oven with.
18:01As if she's thinking to herself, hmm, Narnia?
18:06And then there's also this lady looking in the microwave as if she's annoyed, like, oh, brother.
18:11Not another Narnia.
18:14Okay, anyway, right?
18:14So here's the list, right?
18:15You got your stoves.
18:16You got your ovens.
18:16You got your microwaves.
18:17Here's your lasers.
18:18And then, of course, possibly guns.
18:20Here are some things you cannot cook stuff with.
18:25Limes.
18:28You cannot cook stuff with limes.
18:31You can't cook stuff with limes.
18:35A scenario that has never occurred.
18:38Ready?
18:39Babe, I have some terrible news.
18:41What is it?
18:42The oven isn't working.
18:45Don't worry.
18:46I have a bunch of limes.
18:50Never.
18:53I don't have time for the clapping.
18:55Okay, and then raw shrimp.
18:57Raw shrimp.
18:58In ceviche, you get raw shrimp.
19:01Internal temperature has to be cooked to 145 degrees.
19:04That's when it's cooked.
19:05Yeah?
19:05Okay, good.
19:06A stovetop can reach between 932 and 1650.
19:09Very hot.
19:10So you can easily cook the shrimp.
19:12A lime itself doesn't have a temperature in the way we typically think of it for objects.
19:22Just to go a little further into this, shrimp has to get that hot.
19:25Has to be up to there.
19:26Okay?
19:27A stove can get way hotter than that.
19:29No problem.
19:30Where's lime?
19:31It's over there.
19:33Why?
19:34A lime has no temperature.
19:41I love ceviche.
19:43But I love the truth more.
19:46And we have to live in a time of truth.
19:48Or what?
19:49What happens to us?
19:51In addition to the ceviche lie, we have also been fed other lies that we are predisposed to because of ceviche shit.
19:58Go!
19:59The crosswalk button lie.
20:00I'll get to it.
20:01Okay, crosswalk button.
20:02At one point, there were 3,250 crosswalk buttons in New York City.
20:08You press them and it's like, I'll cross the street now.
20:102,500 of them were mechanical placebos.
20:13You were pressing a button that did nothing, you fucking sheep.
20:17At one point, there were only 48 units citywide that worked.
20:21Okay, fine.
20:22Preposition ending a sentence.
20:23You can't preposition.
20:25No one gives a shit what you end your sentences with.
20:29Preposition.
20:31Fuck off.
20:33Preposition.
20:35And wait, finally.
20:36The Statue of Liberty lie.
20:38Where'd the Statue of Liberty come from?
20:39France.
20:41Wrong.
20:42That's what we've all been told.
20:43But guess what?
20:44There is a Mexican school teacher, and I wrote his name down, Danilo Suarez, who built the Statue of Liberty in 1868 with six other Mexicans.
20:54Danilo Suarez.
20:55You say it.
20:56Danilo Suarez.
20:58That is the guy who built the actual Statue of Liberty.
21:02And guess what?
21:03That's a lie.
21:04Because you're such sheep, it's so easy to trick you.
21:08This is actually a stock photo of a senior Mexican man wearing a hat and looking away.
21:14What is he thinking of?
21:17Ceviche.
21:17Ceviche.
21:19Abolish.
21:20Saying Ceviche is cooked with the lime juice.
21:29Michael, I hate to say this.
21:31I have solid proof against you.
21:34Okay.
21:34Every time I take a tequila shot, I hit the lime, and I'm cooking on the dance floor.
21:44All night.
21:45My absolute brother.
21:46No argument there.
21:49My dog.
21:51Michael, I noticed the trademark symbols.
21:55Yeah.
21:56And it just so happens that my family owns the Ceviche lie.
22:00It's a t-shirt company.
22:03And we were not asked about using our company name.
22:08Yeah.
22:09I'm embroiled in a lot of litigation over this at the moment.
22:12So I'll be needing royalties off this presentation.
22:14No, I've literally talked to Erin Brockovich, and this is going to be handled.
22:18No?
22:18Do we not know who that is?
22:20Read a fucking book.
22:23I just want to say, yes, where are limes from?
22:28Where are limes from?
22:29What country of origin?
22:31Literally, I do not know.
22:32I'm going to say Poland, because it seems like a fun guess.
22:37Oh, so you're saying Poles can't cook.
22:40Wow.
22:42Poles have awesome foods, such as potatoes, cabbage, fish.
22:49And you're out here saying it's bad?
22:54Um, yeah.
22:55Um, I'm sorry that I said that.
22:59Also, also, all of the pictures of the cooking stuff, utensils and things that cook.
23:06Et cetera, yeah.
23:06There were women in all of the pictures.
23:08Hmm.
23:10Well, can I say something?
23:11Honestly?
23:11Well, that's where we belong.
23:13I was just going to say, like, I believe kind of in 2025 that it is time, like, now, women can cook now.
23:24You said nothing about acid.
23:26What's that?
23:27Acid.
23:28You said nothing about acid.
23:29Correct.
23:30That's a great point, Jamie.
23:33Yeah.
23:35Michael, a crux of your PowerPoint.
23:37Yeah.
23:37You go to the audience.
23:38You tell them the story.
23:39You call them fucking sheep.
23:41You hold this anger towards them.
23:43You call them fucking sheep.
23:44You lie to them.
23:45And yet, you demand that we abolish a phrase that has a slight little joyous lie that brings people together to enjoy a food from the ocean.
23:55A place we know little about.
23:58Can't we just appreciate this beautiful piece of art, this literature, this piece of English language that brings us together and puts us at a place where we're having a seltzer with a squirt of lime.
24:08And I'm going crazy on the dance floor, my friend.
24:11I would say, like, for 80% of that, I was enraged by the accusations.
24:17But at the end, I was like, my fucking dude.
24:18Hell yeah.
24:19And that's time!
24:20Our next abolitionist has written for the New Yorker, McSweeney's, and last week tonight with John Oliver.
24:27Let's hear it for Jonathan Appel.
24:36Around 4 billion years ago, the miracle of life on Earth began.
24:41Microscopic, single-celled organisms slowly divided.
24:45And they had one thing they had to do.
24:47Survive on this planet that we call home.
24:50They could do anything.
24:51They could be anything.
24:53Their potential was limitless.
24:56And then we ended up with this freak.
25:00What the fuck is this?
25:02This is the aye-aye.
25:05Holy shit.
25:07He always looks like he's selling you meth.
25:12In some cultures, he's actually seen as a harbinger of death and is killed on sight, which makes sense to me.
25:18Look, nature is bad and weird, and I do not like it.
25:24There is no intelligent design, and it shows.
25:28And that is why we must abolish evolution.
25:31We have to.
25:33We have to.
25:35Why?
25:36There are too many little freaks out there.
25:39Now, here's a highly abridged sampling of little, real freaks.
25:44The red-lipped batfish.
25:45This looks like someone put lipstick on an upside-down crab, and it does not work for its complexion.
25:50Honey, you are a warm autumn.
25:54Accessorize accordingly.
25:56The patoo owl.
25:58This is an owl being punched in the balls.
26:02I can hear this picture, and it is making one sound.
26:06Doing!
26:07The patoo.
26:12Yeah, it has human teeth.
26:15Molars, incisors, dear God, it has human teeth.
26:19What child did you steal these from?
26:23The tarsier.
26:24He buys meth from the eye-eye.
26:27Not cute.
26:28Horrifying.
26:29He and Gollum are definitely in a couple.
26:31They saw you across the bar, and they love your vibe.
26:36And that brings me to my second point.
26:38Evolution has made these freaks too kinky.
26:42Male alligators, and this is true, have permanent erections.
26:47Why do you think they're smirking all the time?
26:50Makes it very uncomfortable.
26:52Just know that if you are getting eaten by an alligator, it is rock hard the whole time.
26:58But, to be fair, when I'm eating my favorite meal, a single cheese stick, it's a similar situation.
27:07Rock hard.
27:09Nothing behind the eyes.
27:11Horseshoe crabs have orgies.
27:14Ten thousand of them at a time.
27:17For a whole month.
27:20Look at it.
27:21It's horrifying.
27:23Barnacles have the largest penises in the animal kingdom relative to their size.
27:28These guys are packing.
27:30Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, was so fascinated by the barnacle penis,
27:34he wrote a friend of a friend an actual letter asking them about it in detail, saying,
27:41Was the penis inserted into more than one individual?
27:43For about how long and how many times was it inserted?
27:47Was it inserted deeply, and at which end of the valves?
27:50That's the guy who made this theory.
27:52But here's the questions he didn't ask.
27:55Were they in love?
27:55Did it seem like it was a regular thing, or was it an anniversary or something?
28:04Did she come?
28:09Didn't think about that, did he?
28:12And then there are drafts.
28:13This is how they initiate sex with each other.
28:15The male will nudge her butt, cute, cute.
28:19The female will piss into his mouth.
28:23How?
28:24How?
28:24The mouth is so high up there!
28:28Evolution found a way to make this happen.
28:31Now, here's what I would suggest as an alternative for initiating sex.
28:35And I would like Ben Doyle to role play with me.
28:38Hello, I'm a giraffe.
28:43Hi, I'm also a giraffe.
28:45Would you like to have sex?
28:47Yes, but only if it's in the missionary position.
28:52And this goes without saying, but I won't be pissing in your mouth.
28:57End scene!
28:58Finally, the human body is badly designed.
29:06Look, there are so many ways I could talk about this.
29:09The appendix, our wisdom teeth.
29:11But I want to talk about one thing.
29:13We don't have a naturally occurring pocket.
29:16Now, I'm sure you think, a pocket?
29:17Why would human beings need a pocket?
29:19Because we keep putting stuff in our anuses.
29:22Now, these are all real things I've taken from the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits from the past few years.
29:30And you can go look this up, or you can go look at Defector, which also has a great summary.
29:34Marbles, click gel pen, flat head screwdriver, Phillips head screwdriver, batteries, shampoo bottles, rubber balls, stress ball, billiard ball, magnetic balls, PVC pipes to roll the balls through.
29:46Now, you may be thinking, why would someone put a screwdriver into their anus?
29:52Because they had to fix a door hinge in the other room and their hands were full.
29:56That's the only explanation.
29:58This is a face that evolution makes us make when we have to use the only pocket we have.
30:06That is why we must abolish evolution.
30:09I yield my time.
30:16Jonathan, it says here that you have three Emmys.
30:23Four.
30:24Okay.
30:26Fuck you.
30:28Also, can I just say, Ben, you did a very convincing job.
30:32You're very welcome.
30:33You're a great actor.
30:34Okay, we're right.
30:34Sorry.
30:35You're a great actor.
30:36Like, what are you doing here talking to us about, like, don't you have anything, like, better to be doing?
30:43I just wanted you to say the phrase, piss in my mouth.
30:46That's kind of all I want this evening.
30:48I'm good.
30:49I have a question.
30:50You said that evolution hadn't given people a natural pocket.
30:55You really focused on the anus.
30:57Have we considered that women are better designed?
31:01Because I do have a front pocket in addition to my back pocket.
31:05And I can fit a lot more stuff in the front pocket.
31:11Keys, phone, wallet.
31:14No, it's true.
31:15Don't leave home without them.
31:17Look, I have not personally considered that.
31:19I didn't feel it was my place.
31:21And I was also too busy asking, and let me just make sure I got this right.
31:25If female barnacles come.
31:27So, I feel I've done my job.
31:30And not to mention, I put Cheerios in my fupa.
31:35Hey, Jamie?
31:36What's a fupa?
31:38It's the fat upper pussy area.
31:41Cool.
31:43Okay.
31:45You're welcome.
31:46My mother is here.
31:48Mother's in the audience.
31:49And honey, she's got one too.
31:51And honey, and honey, whose pocket, whose pocket do you have?
31:55What do you think you came out of?
31:57Well, see, see, the thing is, a pocket has one use.
32:00You put stuff in it, and then, well, actually, I guess somebody put stuff in it, and they took stuff out.
32:05It's a fair point.
32:07Jonathan, I would argue that the butthole is an innovation in the pocket space.
32:13Have you ever had your prostate stimulated, is a question that I wrote down.
32:20Perhaps with one of your Emmys.
32:22My mother is here.
32:24Okay.
32:25You brought it up.
32:26You brought up anuses.
32:28You showed items that are in anuses.
32:30I did.
32:31I have to say, a lot of this is kink shaming, okay?
32:34Big time.
32:34Because ultimately, here are some things I wrote down.
32:37Being hard all the time.
32:39Selling meth.
32:40Going to orgies.
32:41Largest penis relative to the animal kingdom.
32:44Wanting to pee in mouth.
32:46That's, like, my perfect guy.
32:51Swear to God.
32:52Look, look, while I was doing real, serious, hard research on all these true facts, I just guess I didn't consider the fact that maybe people would want to put stuff in their anus for a different reason.
33:06Also, why didn't you ask me to audition for the part in the play?
33:11That I considered, I really considered everybody's, uh, everybody's kind of strengths, weaknesses.
33:17We gave you our headshot and resume.
33:19Yeah.
33:19Look, look, and I had you all do the read before, and it was just Ben did the best job.
33:24You had me do my audition topless.
33:28Well, I had Ben do his bottomless, so.
33:31You also said little freaks, and then we're talking about alligators and giraffes, so I don't know what you think is up and down, but a giraffe, they're not capable of missionary.
33:41That would cause problems.
33:42Well, if you'd looked at the presentation, Chief Justice, you'd notice that the first section was about little freaks, and the second section was about kinky sex.
33:54Oh, so we're allowed to have two sections now, Chandler? This is fucking stupid.
33:58And that's time! That's time!
34:03Are you ready for your final abolitionist of the night?
34:09Our next abolitionist is a writer for Saturday Night Live. Give it up for Joe Sunday!
34:15Hi to you. You guys came here all the way from Reddit, huh?
34:33What a joy. Yes, good evening.
34:35And I would like to say congrats to the other abolitionists.
34:39However, I came here to win.
34:41So, let's do this thing.
34:43Okay, I bring to you the topic I think a lot of people will immediately get on board.
34:48Hanging out with your friends.
34:50Who agrees? That is awesome.
34:53Yes, yes.
34:54I love to hang out with my friends, but then there's an issue that sometimes happens.
35:00Okay, imagine this situation.
35:02Jesus Christ.
35:03Imagine this situation.
35:04My friends are with me.
35:05We're at my house.
35:06Hanging out, hanging out.
35:07And then at a certain point, they like to say,
35:09Well, I guess I'll be going now.
35:11Okay, so.
35:12Abolish going home after we're done hanging out.
35:19Thank you very much.
35:21Let me explain.
35:22Point number one.
35:23I am very lonely.
35:26Let's dive into this more.
35:29More on my loneliness.
35:30Okay, point number one, sub point one.
35:32I don't have a girlfriend, not even a little bit.
35:35Trust me, you would know.
35:37Point number two.
35:38I have a lot of friends, but I suspect they don't like me very much at all.
35:43Point number three.
35:44I believe there is a curse upon my life.
35:47However, we don't have time to go into this further.
35:52Well, then, moving on.
35:54Point number two.
35:56We were having fun before, so why would you leave and where are you going?
36:02Sub point.
36:03I will miss you.
36:06Sub point B.
36:08If you leave, then I might have to do chores in my house.
36:11Oh, my goodness gracious.
36:12I don't want to do that.
36:14Okay, moving on.
36:15If you leave, I will get scared.
36:18I will get very scared.
36:22I will begin to worry that you hate me.
36:24And I will begin to think a lot of thoughts that won't be good for any of us if that happens.
36:30So, please, just stay, okay?
36:32Okay.
36:32Here are a sampling of the worries.
36:36That I just wouldn't enjoy if we were hanging out before and then you left my house and I wouldn't like it.
36:40Okay, you're feeling bad for me.
36:42Yes.
36:42Yes.
36:43But you won't be there at all, okay?
36:45So, just, let's just not even get ourselves into that situation.
36:48And I'll think, oh, I'll remember that you have other family members, other cousins and brothers and sisters and moms.
36:53And I'll probably think about death as well.
36:55Okay.
36:58So, ladies and gentlemen and everyone, what are we to do?
37:02A better world is possible, I tell you today.
37:06We need to have a sleepover and hang out all day tomorrow.
37:17Please.
37:18And by the way, don't even fucking start with this.
37:21People love to say, oh, I guess I'll be going.
37:23I say, let's have a sleepover and say, oh, I don't have my toothbrush.
37:26Actually, I have many toothbrushes in my house.
37:29I have basically every kind of toothbrush you could ever need.
37:33I have your whole freaking skincare routine in my house.
37:35And if there's some kind of a cream or something that you think you need that I don't have, I'll do it.
37:40We'll Instacart it quickly.
37:42We will Amazon overnight.
37:43That shit to my house, not a problem.
37:45I know a guy.
37:46I know a number of guys.
37:47And by the way, I don't know who this is in the slide.
37:50That's not me.
37:51I don't know who she is, but I just felt that she was the one to deliver the message.
37:57So if you're thinking that that's me, it's not.
37:59And you have racial issues.
38:01Okay.
38:03Now for some Q&A.
38:04Is this about romance?
38:06No, it's not.
38:07I think that we need to cause problems with our friends the same way that we cause problems with our romantic interests.
38:14Yeah.
38:15Respect your friends enough.
38:16I thank you.
38:21And then, okay, so hanging out is not a euphemism for sex.
38:24No, we've been over this.
38:26If I were having any kind of sex, even a little, we would all know.
38:31Okay.
38:32Now just to address a couple quick counter arguments before these people start.
38:36Okay.
38:36People love to say, I have yoga in the crack of dawn.
38:41How about consider, no one told you to sign up for that.
38:45You literally made that up, right?
38:48Remember, remember, free will.
38:50Okay.
38:52No one made you sign up for it at all.
38:54Okay.
38:54People love to say, I prefer to sleep in my own bed.
38:56Well, that's no problem.
38:58I prefer to sleep in your own bed too.
39:01I rest my case.
39:06And I actually, it's about time for me to leave.
39:13I think we're going to get out.
39:15Jesus fucking Christ.
39:15This has been really fun.
39:16The presentation.
39:17It was super fun.
39:18We'll do it together.
39:18I know.
39:19And the presentation.
39:19What do you have to do tomorrow that I can't be part of?
39:21I got very.
39:21We all sleep in one big bed.
39:23We have a bed.
39:25Willy Wonka style.
39:25Willy Wonka grandparent style.
39:27Wait, that's literally the issue is when people leave when they're hanging out with you.
39:31Who are you going to hang out with instead of me?
39:32We're hanging out with other people that aren't you.
39:34Jesus Christ.
39:35I know.
39:36I'm sorry.
39:36And this was really funny.
39:38We just got to go and do a bunch of other stuff.
39:40And Ben's leading us in a weird yoga thing.
39:42Andy makes us all do the one bed thing.
39:45Do the one bed thing.
39:47Wait, so not even separately.
39:48Just you guys together.
39:49Us four.
39:50Yeah, we're all in one twin size bed.
39:53Yeah.
39:53And I can't come.
39:55We are your friends that secretly hate you.
39:57And we got to go.
39:58What movie are you putting on in this movie?
40:04I know it sucks, right?
40:06We have to.
40:08It's such a bummer.
40:09We got to go.
40:11It sucks.
40:12Can I say something?
40:13I know it's a comedy show.
40:14Like, I'm like, it's like almost too much for me.
40:16It's all, like, I feel like I'm living in, like, a literal fucking nightmare right now.
40:22This is unbelievable.
40:24Joe, I'll make you feel better.
40:25I promise.
40:26Okay?
40:26I know that you think that someone saying they have yoga at 640 a.m. is a lie.
40:31It's not.
40:32Every single guy I've slept with has said that.
40:36So, it's definitely happening, girl.
40:39Also, I'm wondering if maybe you've thought about getting a pet.
40:43Because I just heard a presentation about a lot of very freaky animals, including ones
40:49that would be hard all the time, that I'm sure would love to stay at your apartment.
40:56I would get a pet if a pet could talk.
41:00It's totally fair.
41:02That's really sad.
41:05It's just, like, you're so cute.
41:07So, when you say stuff like this, it's, like, cute.
41:09And someone would want to stay over.
41:11But, like, when I say stuff like this, and I'm like, hey, I can, like, get you a ticket
41:15to my show tonight.
41:16And they're like, oh, my God, that'd be so fun.
41:17And then, like, I don't hear from them all day.
41:20And then they, like, don't pick up the ticket for the show.
41:22And I don't know.
41:26I have a question.
41:27I'd actually love to hang out, but I have a dog, baby, and husband.
41:30I collected all of them.
41:32I have one of each.
41:34What room?
41:36Got to catch them all.
41:37And I did.
41:39What kind of situation would you be providing for me and my entire family?
41:44I just, like, you have a dog, baby, and a husband.
41:47They can't entertain themselves together without you?
41:49Right.
41:51They're very needy.
41:53Does it have to be your home?
41:55Or could this happen at another person's home sleepover?
41:57No.
41:57Can we please refer to, I prefer to sleep in your own bed, too.
42:01I guess I got confused.
42:03So that means we could also go to the other person's house.
42:06Wherever we go, we just need to go together.
42:09Okay.
42:10I'm sure there are dozens of podcasters here with BetterHelp subscriptions that can help.
42:17You're saying that I'm mentally ill?
42:18I'm saying...
42:20It's not personal.
42:21It's clear as day.
42:22Yes, I am.
42:23It's not personal.
42:24He thinks all women are mentally ill.
42:25And that's time!
42:29Can we please get all of our abolitionists back to the stage?
42:34Give it up one more time for Allison Libby, Michael Cruz Kane, Jonathan Appel, and Joe Sunday.
42:47My friends, the time has come to decide what we are going to abolish.
42:57This will be determined by audience acclaim using a proprietary piece of Abolish Everything technology, the Chirometer 3000!
43:07And the winner will receive this cartoonish sack of cash and an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
43:15So, without further ado, who thinks we should abolish chiropractors?
43:26Who thinks we should abolish saying ceviche is cooked with the lime juice?
43:34Who thinks we should abolish evolution?
43:37And who thinks that we should abolish going home after we hang out?
43:56Michael and Joe, please step forward.
44:01Congratulations to all our abolitionists!
44:03Who thinks we should abolish saying ceviche is cooked with the lime juice?
44:20And who thinks we should abolish going home after we're done hanging out?
44:23Who thinks we should abolish going home after we're done hanging out?
44:23My friends, we have abolished going home after we're done hanging out.
44:40Congratulations to Joe Sunday!
44:45Joe, please proceed to the winner's wall.
44:48Give it up one more time for all of our abolitionists!
44:56Let's give a big fuck you to the political establishment!
45:02And thank you for watching on Nebula!
45:06We'll see you next time!
45:08Good night!
45:08We have five fingers!
45:10We have five toes!
45:11We have five tenses!
45:12Two plus two equals five!
45:15I have five testicles!
45:16There are things that you cannot change about this world!
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