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Piglets - Season 2 Episode 4 - In Plain Sight
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Okay, so it's very simple.
00:01Use your fingers to keep your eyelid open.
00:04Gently place the lens on your eye.
00:08No, no way, I can see it coming.
00:13Maybe if I try to close my eyes.
00:14You can't close your eye, or it won't go in your eye.
00:18Try again.
00:19Okay.
00:20Okay, so in these circumstances, we have to recommend glasses.
00:28Glasses?
00:29I don't think so.
00:30I'm not some giant nerd.
00:31No offence.
00:32I don't want any face furniture at all.
00:34Well, you're going to have to, because your eyesight is pretty shit.
00:37No offence.
00:38Oh!
00:41Who'd I look like?
00:42Denzel?
00:43Harry Potter.
00:44My mum.
00:46Eddie the Eagle.
00:59The Eagle.
01:00Hope you'd be a little king.
01:01Come on!
01:02The Eagle.
01:03Morning!
01:04Everything all right, sir?
01:06I'm wearing my trunks.
01:07Melanie?
01:08Yes, sir?
01:09Is there a little trick?
01:10Oh, did you type up the redundancy package for the superintendents?
01:13I did, sir.
01:14Care to join me for a plunge?
01:17Plunge, sir?
01:18Hmm. Ice bath plunge pool. Better for the brain than cocaine.
01:21That's what my doc says.
01:22And damn it, Melanie, he's right.
01:29All right, Gates.
01:31Holy shit.
01:33What?
01:34It's your hair.
01:35Oh, yeah.
01:37I'm experimenting with a new me.
01:39Geeta 2.0 needed a change, so I thought I'd get myself a...
01:42A halo braid.
01:43Yeah, a halo braid.
01:44Which is, in fact, my wedding hairstyle.
01:47Oh, I knew I'd seen it somewhere before.
01:49Well, I'm sorry, Geeta, but you can't just walk around with that like willy-nilly.
01:52That is my wedding hair. Take it down, please.
01:55No. Do you own the copyright or something?
01:57I love it. I'm having it.
01:59Take it down now, you hair thief.
02:02Er, no.
02:04You're never going to get your police hat over that.
02:06He's right. It's not work hair.
02:07Yeah, and you look a bit ridiculous, actually, Geeta.
02:10Not in a mean way, but you do.
02:13No.
02:14Yes.
02:14Absolutely not.
02:16I like it.
02:16It makes me feel beautiful and special.
02:19Well, to be fair, she does look beautiful and special.
02:21Thank you, Paul.
02:23Wedding hair thief.
02:25You know, you'd be better off with a curly chignon for your big day.
02:28I could do one for you if you like.
02:30I did my nans for her big day.
02:31You did your grandtaire on her wedding day?
02:34No.
02:34A funeral?
02:35A funeral.
02:36There was an open casket.
02:37She looked pretty rough because she got mauled by a dog, but her hair looked lovely.
02:44Do you feel impotent, Daz?
02:47No problem in that department.
02:48Stand to attention at the drop of a hat.
02:50Not literally.
02:51Be annoying.
02:52This is Bob, Superintendent Weeks, his jacket.
02:56Did you nick it?
02:57No.
02:58I had to take it to the dry cleaners.
03:00Egg stains.
03:01Why don't you try it on?
03:03Imagine how you would feel as a man of status.
03:05Bollocks to that.
03:06It's therapy.
03:07Just do it.
03:11So, asked me to make you some coffee.
03:15Do what?
03:16Go on, sir.
03:21Ask me for things.
03:22What, coffee?
03:23Nah.
03:24Get me a lager.
03:26God!
03:27What's gotten into you today, sir?
03:29What's gotten into you, Moe, like?
03:31Nothing, sir, but I could help smooth down your jacket, if you like.
03:36And you could help me smooth down my skirt.
03:38Well, hold on.
03:40Do you fancy me or something?
03:43Quick, take it off.
03:44Take it off!
03:44Yeah, trousers too.
03:45We could play Nudie Twister.
03:47Ow!
03:48What?
03:48A very useful therapy exercise, Sergeant Black.
03:51Good day.
03:52That will be all.
03:53Good day.
04:11All right, Dave.
04:12People keep smiling at me, and one girl winked at me.
04:14Oh, it's because you're spexy.
04:17Spexy?
04:17Yeah, it's sexy in specs.
04:20Not everyone can be spexy, but you are.
04:22Am I?
04:22Yeah, mate, totally spexy.
04:24I tried to get Jack to wear him, but he just looked like a paedophile.
04:27Crikey.
04:28Yeah, it was unnerving.
04:30Put me off my food for like 10 minutes, and then I had a falafel, and I was all right after that.
04:34Spexy?
04:34I'm spexy.
04:35I'm spexy.
04:37I'm spexy.
04:38I'm spexy.
04:39I'm spexy.
04:40I'm spexy.
04:40I'm spexy.
04:43Ah!
04:45Package.
04:46Package, sir.
04:46Hmm.
04:47What do you think of my package, hmm?
04:50Have you had a chance to have a good look at it?
04:52Oh, come on, man.
04:53Don't be a nervous Nelly.
04:54Spit it up.
04:54It's very, very good as packages go, sir.
04:57I just thought my package would be right up your alley.
04:59Thought you might jump at it.
05:01So, happy to take it?
05:02Do I have to take your package, sir?
05:04No, of course not.
05:06Take your time.
05:07Take it over.
05:08I'm off to Pilates.
05:16Oi, Dev.
05:18What does CSIS stand for?
05:19What?
05:20CSIS, what does that mean?
05:22Why are you asking him?
05:23Because I need to know for the next class.
05:25But why me?
05:26You look like you'd know.
05:27But normally you'd ask Afia.
05:28Or Geeta.
05:29Or Connor.
05:30Or Danny.
05:30Oh, my God, that's so true.
05:32But today, I don't know.
05:33It just sort of feels like you'd know.
05:35Maybe it's the glasses.
05:36Yeah, that's it.
05:37Yeah, they make you look much more dev-er-clev.
05:39More clever-er-dev, you mean?
05:40Yeah, so that's what I meant.
05:41You see?
05:42How do you know something like that?
05:43I'll take them off and see what happens, yeah?
05:46Yeah, you look massively thick now.
05:48No, I don't want that.
05:50Okay.
05:51What does CSIS mean?
05:53Custody Suite Imaging System.
05:55Wow.
05:56Wow.
05:59Come on, everyone.
06:00Here we go.
06:01Now then, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
06:06Don't worry.
06:07I'm not a pirate.
06:08I'm talking about the four R's.
06:10And this is an aide-memoire, which literally means...
06:15I've actually forgotten what it literally means,
06:18but it's to help you remember things.
06:21Now then, I need a volunteer.
06:23You, you're the best.
06:24The best?
06:25Indeed.
06:25Come on, you.
06:26You can be our detainee.
06:28Now, we've checked that you're fully conscious
06:30and you've been roused.
06:31So, moving on to number two, response.
06:36Response to questions.
06:37Now, I've got some here.
06:39Come on, Heidi.
06:39You can read out the questions.
06:41Come on.
06:41There you go.
06:42Read them in order.
06:43What is your name?
06:44It's Bob.
06:45Sorry.
06:46No, you're a tea.
06:48So, we're talking to him, yeah.
06:49What is your name?
06:50Ariana Grande.
06:52Obviously not the Ariana Grande, just a different one.
06:55Where do you live?
06:56With Superintendent Bob Weeks.
06:57No, it's not true.
07:00No, but it'd just technically be true
07:01if I just maybe needed somewhere to stay.
07:04I suppose, I suppose in an alternative reality,
07:08a family set-up, maybe with, um...
07:11Could go on holiday.
07:13Could teach you how to fish.
07:15Where do you think you are?
07:16Alaska is the perfect place.
07:21Um, no, sorry, you're talking...
07:23Ah, him, carry on.
07:24Where do you think you are?
07:25I am in Alaska,
07:27with the superintendent learning how to fish.
07:29Yes, yes, we can.
07:30I can teach you how to hold, hold,
07:31hold on to those in your head.
07:34The four R's.
07:36Let's take a break now.
07:38OK, do some reading,
07:39and then we can take this farther.
07:42Further!
07:47Student Officer Huggins.
07:48Sorry, was that early?
07:50Not at all, it was a test.
07:51What, to see if I'd be early?
07:53To test your powers of observation.
07:55To see if I realised I was early.
07:57Let's just move on from general timekeeping, shall we?
08:00Yeah.
08:00One of the biggest giveaways
08:02of being an undercover officer
08:04is taking your police notebook out every 30 seconds
08:07and writing things down.
08:09So, you are going to have to use
08:11your natural perceptive abilities.
08:13Well, I'm fucked then.
08:14Here's the test, and don't worry, I'm here to help.
08:17When you entered my office,
08:19on the desk in front of you
08:21was a tray with a number of small objects on it.
08:23Was there?
08:24OK, what I was going to say
08:27is that I've just covered the tray,
08:29and I'd like you to name
08:30as many of those objects as you can,
08:32but I might be moving a little bit too fast on this one.
08:34I mean, I did notice the toy soldier,
08:36the alarm clock and the pepper grinder,
08:37the sachet of cat food,
08:38the gold watch and the two-pound coin.
08:40I just, well, I just didn't notice
08:41they were on a tray.
08:43I guess I'm pretty shit at this.
08:44Fucking hell.
08:47I'll dare to try.
08:50Fanny, it's really crazy.
08:51No, it's not, honestly.
08:53I can't wait to see you again.
08:54Afia Barakat, I have a question for you.
08:57Yesterday, when I asked you out,
08:58you said, and I quote,
09:00it's a no.
09:01I remember.
09:02And I just wanted to check
09:03if that was a mistake of some sort.
09:04I don't make mistakes.
09:05Well, neither do I.
09:06Except you made one by asking me out.
09:08Which is odd.
09:08Something's not quite right.
09:10Yes.
09:10It's you.
09:12Bye.
09:14Unbelievable.
09:19Again?
09:20I know, right?
09:21What's that?
09:36What's this?
09:37Have you not seen
09:37what Cunningham's package looks like?
09:39Oh, my crikey,
09:39someone's been taking photos now.
09:41Your redundancy package.
09:42Oh, I see.
09:44Yeah, go on, take a look.
09:46It's a tidy sum.
09:47Let's not make this a battle
09:49to be decided
09:49on the whim of a madman.
09:51Just take the package, Bob.
09:52You take the package.
09:52No, you take the package.
09:54It's a lot of money, Bob.
09:55You can do all the things
09:56you've ever wanted.
09:58Well, that's not enough
09:58to build a full-size robot lady.
10:00Some of the things
10:01you've ever wanted.
10:02But I wouldn't be here, would I?
10:04Exactly.
10:04What's not to like?
10:05I can't imagine my life
10:06without coming in here every day,
10:08having a cup of tea
10:09and seeing the old familiar faces,
10:11the old lovely Melanie
10:12and the angry bald man.
10:14You.
10:14Oh, fuck off.
10:15The smell of the canteen.
10:18The funny old toilet.
10:19Oh, just take the package, Bob.
10:21No, no.
10:23I am the heart and soul
10:24of this establishment.
10:25You may be the iron fist,
10:27but I am the kindly shepherd.
10:29What are you on about now?
10:30The trouble is,
10:31I want to keep shepherding
10:32just as much as you
10:33want to keep fisting.
10:35So.
10:37Just take the package, Bob.
10:51So, you are Superintendent
11:01Robert Redford Weeks.
11:02Yeah, Bob.
11:03Yes, that's me there.
11:04Okay.
11:05And you are looking
11:06to legally adopt
11:06a Connor Swift.
11:07Yes, I am.
11:09It's your stepson?
11:10No, no.
11:11Is this for inheritance reasons?
11:12No, no.
11:13Adoption's quite a serious step.
11:14Perhaps you can explain
11:15the history?
11:16Well, in ancient Rome,
11:18adoption was often used...
11:19Sorry, no,
11:19I'm actually looking
11:20for some background
11:20on the relationship.
11:21So, who is this child?
11:23Oh, it's a man,
11:24fully grown man.
11:25Right.
11:26A trainee at the college
11:27and I met him last week.
11:29Last week?
11:30Yeah, if you met him,
11:31you'd understand.
11:32I'm not sure that I would.
11:34He's brave,
11:35he's intelligent,
11:36he's clever,
11:38he's got a lovely smile.
11:41Are you sure that it's adoption
11:43that you've got in mind?
11:44Well, could I adopt him?
11:47No, I think it's unlikely,
11:48don't you,
11:48given that he's
11:49a fully grown man?
11:50But it might be possible
11:52to change his name
11:53to yours by depol.
11:54Well, I could do that,
11:55could I?
11:56No, he could do that.
11:57Well, he could do anything.
11:59I wish I had a photo
12:00to show you.
12:01And the closest I've got
12:03is a little sketch
12:05I drew of him.
12:07It's Connor.
12:08There he is.
12:09What do you think of that?
12:11I've actually got a class
12:12to get to on legal
12:13handover proceedings.
12:14Right.
12:14I'm going to wrap this up now.
12:16Right, yes.
12:19I think that went rather well.
12:23He didn't ask you to give birth
12:24to his bespectacled babies,
12:26Afia.
12:26What's wrong with going on a date?
12:27I wouldn't know.
12:29Excuse me?
12:29We don't know what a date's like.
12:30So, are you saying
12:31that you've never had a date?
12:33Yes, I've never had a date.
12:35You can have them
12:35without knowing.
12:35They're in sticky toffee pudding.
12:36I can't be bothered
12:37with all that stuff.
12:39Well, you're an idiot
12:39because it's delicious.
12:40Well, she means
12:41that she's never been out
12:42on a date.
12:43Why would I go on a date?
12:45Careers don't just happen.
12:46Go on a date, Afia.
12:47Am I being picked on?
12:49No, no, you're not.
12:50As a highly experienced
12:51psychological profiler,
12:53I think you're terrified.
12:54I just don't think
12:54you can do it.
12:55I can do anything.
12:57Oh, so you're all happy
12:58to sit the going on a date module?
12:59Hang on.
13:01Module?
13:03Do I get a certificate?
13:04Yeah, it's a great big gold one
13:06in a frame and a badge
13:07if you pass.
13:08I never fail.
13:10So many modules.
13:12It's relentless.
13:14Where's it going to end?
13:19Sergeant Black,
13:20with regard to
13:22what happened earlier...
13:23I don't find you attractive.
13:25OK, let's just get that straight.
13:26I don't find you attractive.
13:28Unlikely,
13:29but carry on.
13:29It's just...
13:30sometimes
13:31a woman has
13:32certain feelings.
13:33Look, look.
13:34I'm not an idiot.
13:35I know all about
13:36mental cycles.
13:37Menstrual?
13:38Yeah, menstruals.
13:39I was referring
13:40to a woman's
13:40fundamental needs.
13:42What, gossip?
13:42It would be meaningless sex.
13:54Especially as I love another.
13:56So,
13:56you're up for a bit
13:58of the old
13:59dazzle-chazzle?
14:00I wouldn't put it
14:01quite like that.
14:02You're saying
14:02the channel tunnel's
14:03open for a bit
14:04of heavy traffic?
14:06On one condition.
14:06I refuse to accept payment.
14:08You have to wear
14:09the jacket.
14:11OK, I'm used
14:12to kinky sex.
14:13I've had to do it
14:14with a paper bag
14:14over my head before now.
14:16A woman actually
14:17made you do that?
14:18I think they all
14:19have, pretty much.
14:20I'll see you later,
14:21in the jacket.
14:22I've left it on you, Peg,
14:23and I definitely
14:24don't fancy you.
14:25Men, I definitely
14:25don't fancy you.
14:27And I thought it first.
14:28So, do you ever
14:32have rows with Jack?
14:34Jack.
14:34Jack, yeah.
14:35Do you?
14:35Um, like the usual stuff,
14:37like silly things,
14:38I suppose.
14:38Like what?
14:39Well, he wants crisps
14:41at every table
14:42at the reception.
14:43Seriously?
14:44Is that like a man thing?
14:45What, like emotional
14:46involvement with
14:47fried potato snacks?
14:48Yes.
14:48I don't want crisps
14:49at my wedding.
14:50What, is that it?
14:51Just like crisps?
14:52Or does he ask
14:52for anything else?
14:53Um, football napkins,
14:56um, no pink flowers
14:57and a boob job.
14:59What's wrong
15:00with his boobs?
15:01Mine, not his.
15:03So yours don't
15:03like to fit the bill?
15:04No.
15:05Yeah.
15:06Um, oh,
15:07I knew you'd get weird
15:08about that sort of stuff.
15:08I'm just here on behalf
15:09of the 21st century.
15:11Well, he's my fiancé.
15:12He gets to say you don't.
15:13No crisps at a wedding.
15:14Sounds fucking awful.
15:21Sorry, I don't know
15:22why I just did that.
15:23No.
15:24That's exactly
15:25how I like them.
15:27Yeah, there it is.
15:37Oh!
15:46Where's...
15:47It's Melanie
15:48and Sergeant Black
15:50in the stationary cupboards.
15:52And you're a superintendent now?
15:54I said, well, congratulations.
15:56No, no, no,
15:56that's your jacket, sir.
15:57Sergeant Black
15:57was just making sure
15:58it hadn't shrunk
15:59at the cleaners.
15:59You can take it off now, Sergeant.
16:00So he's testing it
16:01in the stationary cupboard?
16:03Yeah.
16:03Well, no.
16:04He put it on
16:05and then he saw me
16:06go into the cupboard
16:06and he wanted to check
16:07the shelving,
16:08didn't you, Daz?
16:08Yeah, shelving.
16:09Shelving.
16:10Yeah, it means
16:11putting a foreign item
16:12into your arsehole.
16:12Not that kind of shelving.
16:14Yeah.
16:14I was just checking the shelves.
16:15Are some of them
16:16a dangerously loose?
16:17Good for you.
16:17Well done.
16:18Health and safety.
16:19Excellent.
16:19And speaking of which,
16:21someone seems to have
16:22left the oven door open.
16:24Don't want the roast pork
16:26getting cold.
16:27Oh!
16:28It's just meaningless sex.
16:30Why are you crying?
16:32Roast pork
16:33caught in the zip.
16:35Oh, for heaven's sake,
16:36it's not childbirth.
16:37Come in.
16:43Up here.
16:43Take a seat.
16:45Your date for this module
16:46is Dev.
16:47And I,
16:48as I've run a number
16:48of top Parisian restaurants,
16:50I'm going to be
16:51your maitre d'.
16:52Giselle over here
16:54is going to be
16:54your waitress
16:55for the evening.
16:55The specials
16:56are on the whiteboard.
16:57I'd really recommend
16:58the oysters.
16:59And I will be eating
17:01macramé
17:01at the next door table.
17:02Your date might start
17:04by saying something nice.
17:06I like
17:07your clothing.
17:08It's the same as yours.
17:09But obviously
17:10it wouldn't be
17:11on a real date.
17:12It might be.
17:12They could be coming
17:13from a fancy dress party
17:14but they're both dressed
17:14as pirates.
17:15True.
17:15That's very unlikely.
17:16But why don't you just
17:17give me a wee compliment back.
17:22Oh,
17:23no,
17:24I can't do it.
17:24Just anything at all.
17:26You have
17:28nice
17:29eyebrows.
17:31That's excellent.
17:32That's a really
17:33good start.
17:34Mmm.
17:34Try steering the conversation.
17:37Um,
17:38hey,
17:39date.
17:40Do you like studying?
17:42Nah,
17:42not really.
17:43We can fuck off.
17:44Afia,
17:45how is that
17:46going to make him feel?
17:47Like a loser.
17:48Can I take your order?
17:50Thank God.
17:50Can I order a new date?
17:52Mmm,
17:52chisel,
17:53I'd actually love
17:53some ketchup with this.
17:54Not now,
17:55Paul.
17:55Okay,
17:55but if it gets cold,
17:56I'm going to be...
17:57Afia,
17:57we have to be nice
17:58to people
17:58even if they
17:59irritate you
18:00like we're all
18:01nice to Danny.
18:02Exactly.
18:04Oh.
18:05Okay,
18:05Dev,
18:06let's pretend
18:07you're Jacin.
18:08Oh,
18:09er...
18:10Hello, Afia.
18:14That's really good.
18:14I like studying.
18:16I like laminating.
18:17I like putting
18:18the little colour tabs
18:18on my files,
18:19but most of all,
18:21I like you.
18:23Ooh.
18:24I like those
18:28things too.
18:30The thing is,
18:31ooh,
18:31this is so stupid.
18:33Waitress,
18:33can we get the bill?
18:38Chisel
18:39and have a bottle,
18:40please.
18:46I was told to come
18:47and see you.
18:48And can you?
18:49What?
18:49Can you see me?
18:50Oh,
18:50yeah,
18:51crystal clear.
18:52Fantastic.
18:52Wait,
18:54there's something else.
18:55What's that?
18:56There's a serial killer.
18:58What?
18:58Not in the building,
18:59at large.
19:00Oh.
19:01He's killed five men
19:02after he's slept with them,
19:03cut them up into tiny pieces
19:04and ate them.
19:05Jesus.
19:06He keeps the testicles
19:07in the freezer.
19:08Says that he's waiting
19:09to get a dozen
19:09till he can make
19:10Italian meatballs.
19:11Shit.
19:12Well,
19:12and you think
19:12I'm the one to catch him?
19:13No.
19:15I think you look like him.
19:18Spectacle lector,
19:19testicle collector.
19:20Oh.
19:21My.
19:21God.
19:22So,
19:23a couple of things.
19:23Hmm?
19:24Is it you?
19:25No way.
19:25What?
19:26Well,
19:26you would say that,
19:27wouldn't you?
19:27It's not me.
19:28It's not me.
19:28In which case,
19:29do you think it's wise
19:30to copy a signature look?
19:31Oh,
19:31it's the glasses,
19:32isn't it?
19:32No,
19:33they're fine,
19:33as long as you don't mind
19:34being tasered,
19:35shot in sight,
19:36or given the cold shoulder
19:37in social situations.
19:38Eh,
19:38well,
19:39I can't handle
19:39the cold shoulder.
19:40Hmm?
19:40What do you mean,
19:48I failed?
19:49You failed.
19:50Simple.
19:51It's a fail.
19:52F-A-L-E,
19:54fail.
19:54What did I do wrong?
19:55Oh,
19:55well,
19:56there was,
19:56um,
19:57everything.
19:57And you lose marks
19:58for being a bit sulky,
20:00so you would have lost,
20:00like,
20:0195% just then.
20:02Naked aggression
20:03is a bit of a buzzkill.
20:04Oh,
20:04my God,
20:04I miss a naked bit.
20:05When was that?
20:06The only way
20:06you can get a pass now
20:08is to do a practical.
20:10An actual date?
20:11No way.
20:12I just want my certificate.
20:14The examiners said
20:15they liked what Afia did
20:17when Dev was pretending
20:18to be Jesse.
20:19They thought you showed
20:20real promise there.
20:21It was only a glimpse.
20:22Yeah,
20:23something to work with.
20:24Weird.
20:24That's the bit
20:25I thought was rubbish.
20:31Buongiorno.
20:32Dov'e?
20:33Il Colosseo.
20:34Buongiorno.
20:35Dov'e?
20:36Il Colosseo.
20:37Ah,
20:37Spanish.
20:38La Lenguage de l'amour.
20:41What are you doing?
20:42Nothing.
20:43Nothing.
20:45Oh,
20:45all right,
20:46all right.
20:46I was just thinking
20:47that if,
20:47if you got the job
20:49and I took
20:50the redundancy package,
20:51I could move
20:52to this eight-bedroom,
20:53two-swimming pool,
20:54one-yard,
20:55Tuscan-converted farmhouse.
20:58You could be sat
20:59in the Tuscan hills,
21:00drinking your own wine,
21:02eating your own
21:03big,
21:04fat olives.
21:05Olay.
21:06Mm, yeah,
21:07warm sun hitting your skin,
21:09all your troubles drifting away.
21:11Oh, but look,
21:12here comes Franco
21:13with news in the vineyard.
21:14So who's Franco?
21:15Your viticulturalist,
21:16or vineyard manager.
21:18Oh, yeah, yeah,
21:18Franco the wine man.
21:20Mr. Bob,
21:22come with us
21:23and we will sip on wine.
21:25Listen,
21:25and watch the sun
21:26set across the man.
21:28Si.
21:29Yes, yes.
21:30Good old Franco.
21:31You're saying
21:31I could have all this
21:33with the package on offer.
21:35You could.
21:36Yeah.
21:36Yeah.
21:36Oh, fuck's sake.
22:03Oh, yes.
22:05Oh, yes.
22:06Oh, yes.
22:06Oh, yes.
22:08Oh, yes.
22:14Oh, yes.
22:16Come on.
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