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00:00hello and welcome to our next discussion the lady in my life i'm joined now by a beloved nfl couple
00:28who are going to talk to us about balancing life marriage and love in this social media climate
00:34i'm joined by nate and atoya burleson nate is a former wide receiver and current host for the nfl
00:40network's good morning football the nfl today on cbs sports and a correspondent for the entertainment
00:46news show extra and he's accompanied by his beautiful wife atoya who is host of the inside
00:51lines a podcast hosted by nfl wives who put their dreams on hold to support the careers of their
00:56husband thank you guys both for being here of course thanks for having us um so i have to ask
01:03you right now in the midst of everything that's happening um this is such an emotionally challenging
01:07time um for black america and for the country but especially for black america how are you two
01:12supporting each other and and your kids during this difficult time we're getting involved um you know
01:19when things like this happen especially things that impact the african-american community we have to
01:25kind of search from within where we're going to be um motivated from you know and and what we found
01:32out is that just like every other african-american that sees the death of an unarmed black man or woman
01:39over and over again that trauma sets in but for us it runs a little deeper my grandfather was
01:46a victim of police brutality and was killed in 1971 10 years before i was born i never had a chance to
01:52meet him um and toya her father was as well but he he survived yeah he survived so it happened
02:01along her oh go ahead what specifically happened in both of those cases nate i'll start with you
02:08well my father was walking in a golden gate park in san francisco approached by a police officer
02:15um at that exact time the details are sketchy just like most situations my father was
02:2117 at the time he comes home his mother my granny says your dad was just killed by the cops so he
02:29went down to identify the body they pulled him out of the drawer and i remember my dad retelling the
02:35story and he said nate i'd never forget he had so many lumps on his head and at that time being a
02:43family that is in the project they don't have money to go get a lawyer what are they going to do you
02:49you take the cops word for it and you move on and all the while this is san francisco we're talking
02:54about the heart of the black panther party so the tension was thick in the air between the urban
03:00community and the authorities um the police force so i learned about these stories as i got older
03:07but as we keep seeing these very horrific scenes played out again and again and again in the news
03:13it's it's it's like being reminded of a past wound because we're all in a relationship with
03:20this lifetime right and it's just like if you're in a relationship with your spouse and you do
03:24something and she says well i don't like that because who i used to date did that a lot and that
03:28really gets on my nerves and it opens up wounds i feel like as black people we have these traumatic
03:34experiences through six degrees of separation whether we deal with it personally or somebody else has
03:39that when we see these these images and these videos played over and over again it really does
03:45something to it so um that was uh that was an unfortunate thing that happened in my family
03:50and um i i wear that and i wear it and tell that story so people that know me they don't just assume
03:57because i play ball and i made a little money and now i'm on tv that everything is cool no matter
04:03where you go how much money you make no matter where you live you can't outrun some of these
04:07injustices and discrimination and racism that is happening year in and you're out for almost
04:12what 400 years and you with your father your case with your father um my father was driving his car
04:21he was pulled over and they immediately told him to get out he asked what he had done
04:27and they just immediately started beating him with the nightclub and yelling get out of the car
04:33didn't get out of the car and they hit him in his eye and his eye detached from the socket so he was
04:39he jumped out of the car trying to get help and run and he ran right into a tree because he couldn't see
04:45um someone was watching and called 911 on the police because they knew that this wasn't right um they
04:53handcuffed my father once they caught up to him at the tree drug him to the curb and began beating him again
04:59uh he buried his face he told me he buried his face in the crack of the concrete um because he was
05:07trying to protect what was left of his face his hands were handcuffed behind his back and so he was
05:12trying to protect him and they continued to beat him until more and more people came out and they realized
05:17that they had a big scene there because everyone he had so many witnesses um and um they put him in they
05:24at that moment they realized what they had done they put him in the car and the police chief came up on
05:30the scene and my dad and i talk about this i tell him it's his angel because when the police chief came
05:36up on the scene he looked in the back car he knew my father he grew up around the corner from my father
05:42so he immediately told them to call an ambulance and my father was put in an ambulance and sent to the
05:49hospital um realistically when i think back to that had they not had he not have been there he would
05:57have probably went to jail with this eye detached and all of the stitching everything that he needed
06:03would not have been attended to his nose was broken his cheekbone was broken his jaw was broken
06:09this eye they had to perform emergency surgery to fix it and this one was swollen shut he had multiple
06:15um gashes gashes all over his head so they had to stitch him up it was it was horrific and i remember
06:22going to the hospital with my mom and my sister i was five years old and i couldn't believe it i thought
06:26to myself like who could ever do something like this it made no sense to me um i'll never forget him
06:34looking like that he didn't even look like my dad when he spoke of course i recognized his voice but at
06:39first i was i didn't even think it was him it was um a very scary time for me and it it definitely it
06:45haunts you and so when nate said we begin to immediately go into activism and speaking out now
06:51um all of those things come back and you want people in your community wherever you live to know that
06:57these things happen um and it gave my father a voice as well that he never had so you know i do it for
07:03him and um for our kids i hope more people keep speaking out and our kids we want our kids to get
07:09involved and understand what's going on it's about how do you talk to your kids about everything
07:14that's happening because nate as you pointed out you know money doesn't insulate you from these
07:19threats it doesn't protect you being in a better neighborhood doesn't necessarily insulate you or
07:24protect you you cannot escape being black so how do you talk to your kids about that and what do you
07:29tell them to hopefully keep them safe because the reality is that it's not always in the victim's
07:34control to come home safe you're right i mean there's people that are completely
07:38innocent that are sleeping in their beds that are murdered by police officers botham jean
07:43he was murdered in his own apartment because the police officer supposedly walked in the wrong place
07:47um but when i talk to my kids i i tell them the realities of the world that they live in when they
07:53leave this home that there's a perception of who you are and it could be a police officer pulling you
08:01over it could be somebody walking up to a crowd of kids and they point out the black one
08:05it could be somebody in a authoritative position being aggressive with you you have to learn how to
08:11respond sometimes which it isn't our job we have to be the ones that de-escalate it if you're getting
08:16pulled over and your phone slips in between the seats i don't want you to reach down in that seat i
08:21don't want that cop to perceive that as a threat are you reaching for something if you don't have your
08:25license and your registration and insurance by the time he gets to the window you wait put your hands
08:30on 10 and 2 on the wheel and you tell him i'm going to reach for something right now because we've seen
08:34that happen over and over again where a cop comes up and he's either filled with fear or filled with
08:39hate and it ends up going bad to worse to death but with all that said i still don't teach my kids hate
08:46i teach my kids love and compassion um for multiple reasons one because i feel like we know every race
08:54every religion every cultural background person that we have come across that are good people and
09:00we know that there are more good people on this earth than bad people we know that there are more
09:04police officers men and women that approach their job with integrity that do a great job that not only
09:10we see from a distance but are literally part of our family so if i can teach them the reality of the
09:15life they live but also point to the people that will give them hope that you're not always going to
09:22be discriminated against that you're not always going to be seen as the aggressor you're not always
09:26going to be looked at as a black person who could be a thug or a threat in whatever situation is i feel
09:31like i'm planting these seeds of love so when they get older it'll blossom into something special
09:37yeah um i want to focus a little bit and talk about uh toya your podcast in part touches upon this
09:44and the some of the sacrifices that you've made um and a decision that you guys have made as a couple
09:48in a family um sacrifices you've made to support your husband's career at times why did you make
09:54those decisions and why was it so important to you to now talk about it on your podcast
10:00well when nate and i first met i was working and with his job there's a lot of switching teams
10:07traveling uh moving back and forth and it just it got to the point where i was not i wasn't able to work
10:13um because of the kids i didn't want to send my kids to daycare for me as a mother i wanted to be
10:19there for my kids which is ironic because i always thought that i would not be that person that i would
10:24still keep working but when that baby comes and looks at you they change you for the better so for me
10:31i made that decision and i appreciated that decision as they got older and i guess once we started we
10:37stopped traveling and got more comfortable being in one place i felt more comfortable saying okay
10:43it's time it's time for me to get back out there and it's time for me to do something i didn't know
10:48exactly what i wanted to do as far as how i wanted to pull it all together but i had this idea in my mind
10:54and i just felt like it was important to tell um a different story outside of men um from a women's
11:02perspective um to empower and give women a voice inside the nfl we were in the nfl for 11 years so
11:09um i wanted to definitely just take everything that i had learned um share my experiences with the
11:16world outside of what they typically see on tv or at a football game so that's kind of how it came about
11:24and nate how important was it to you and also your career to know that you have that support at home
11:32you know as an athlete we are driven by our confidence and sometimes our ego because it's
11:39it's go out there and prove to everybody that you're the best at what you do and sometimes that
11:44causes this this delusion that um the world revolves around you i realized very early that no matter how
11:53people may perceive me as an athlete um i i know how lucky i am to have her i know how blessed i am and i
12:00can claim to be this fantastic talent this articulate man but she's way smarter than me
12:05um she's way more compassionate than me um she's she has taught me more in our relationship than i
12:12learned outside of it so i knew that there was a sacrifice being made now was i always appreciative
12:20of it i don't think i was fully because i didn't really understand just how difficult it is for a woman
12:26as independent as her working as a young teenager going and getting your degree and your masters
12:31and really having the world in front of you and at 22 years old could have done anything from i mean
12:36look at her modeling to teaching going into politics she can sing her butt off so it's like she she shut
12:44all that down just so i can go score touchdowns and as you get older you start to appreciate the little
12:51things and now that i look back in my relationship it's it's um it's great that i can appreciate it
12:58more because i'm working every day to show her that and and almost pay her back for that in what ways
13:08showing my support and and putting things aside you know i i'm not in the position now where i want
13:14to go chase the glory and and chase a check um that was my football career where it was let's get the
13:20next contract let's let's go be the best and the baddest and go do your thing on the field and
13:25everybody join on like hop in the car we're about to take this wonderful ride this journey in life
13:30but now if she says listen i think you working this many hours um is really going to put a strain on our
13:36relationship it's going to put a strain on your relationship with the kids it might put a strain
13:40on me and some of the things that i'm doing i need your support right now i need your help right
13:44now i'm building something special right now i got this podcast can you help me i got you what calls
13:49do you need me to make i need your help with some design yeah let me call my designer we can get
13:53this popping so now it's almost like we reverse roles um i'm willing to take a back seat and support
13:59her 100 if she said to me i want you to quit your job or your jobs and support me full time i would
14:07we had a conversation the other day where i turned to my kids and i said hey i just got offered this job
14:13to host the show it's x amount of dollars but that would mean that i wouldn't be able to spend as
14:18much time with the family and i might miss some of your football games my son thought for a second
14:24he's 14 years old he looked down he looked back up at me and he said dad it's not worth it now this
14:30was a large amount of money and in that moment i was so proud of my son for being honest and in that
14:36moment it was very clear what the decision should be i don't need that job because i don't need to chase
14:41money if it's going to cause a disconnect between my family so that's why i'm paying her back by showing
14:45her i got your back 100 i'm trying to do what she did for me but even at a higher level
14:52now what you're describing is such a true partnership and you guys have been together
14:57for so long you were college sweethearts right yeah 21 years what advice would you give to other
15:05couples about being black being in love making a family work making a relationship work making
15:11careers work you guys have been making it work what's the secret oh that's that's that's a lot
15:18i would say the biggest it's not really a secret number one is communication because
15:24because we were together for so long and because we started so young you had to have an open dialogue
15:30of communication because life was going to change for each one of us depending on where we were
15:35and it really did like when nate met when we met i was working and he was still going to school and
15:41then it's like the rules reversed right so you have to have just an open dialogue of communication where
15:46you're going what you want to do and decide to do it together and kind of write out those i guess bottom
15:54lines that we were not going to like decide oh no i changed it like these were just the hard written
16:00down rules of these things these cores will never change and put all the things around change whatever
16:09um just the course of like always staying together we haven't we had this rule where nate said okay
16:16well wherever i go i think we were it was my i was working and you found out that you were gonna go
16:23you got drafted and they got drafted so in that life he's like okay if we're gonna go we're gonna go
16:28together and no matter what team i go on no matter how our family changes the dynamics how many kids
16:34we have we're gonna have to get up and go together you have some people that are okay and they're
16:37comfortable with well i'm gonna stay here and he's gonna go and perform whatever he's doing whether
16:43he's catching footballs or playing basketball but i'm gonna stay here with the family and that may work
16:47for them but for us it was very important for us to stay together like that was number one yeah even
16:53when we moved to new york and they got this job yeah there was a moment i wanted to be like no we
16:58just got settled you just finished playing football uh you just go you know you had those moments we
17:04had to go back like okay these were the rules that we implemented a long time ago and we're gonna stick
17:10to that and i had to honor that and i had to realize i'm doing this for my family you know and keeping us
17:15all together and close-knit it would have been more comfortable for me to stay where i was with my family
17:20in the sunshine but in arizona but you know i had to pack it up and we had to go to the cold and we
17:26had to deal with it so um i would say communication making making sure that you work out those bottom
17:33lines that you don't want to change and um sticking to it and but still giving each other the flexibility
17:39inside of that to turn and change here and there because that's just life life is never stagnant it's
17:46always changing and you have to accept that even in a relationship as a person nate's gonna change
17:52and grow i'm gonna change and grow and we have to be able to talk about those things yeah for me it's
17:58it's making sure that you place your energy in the right spots um when you're young it's like you
18:06have so much energy and then when you fall in love i mean those initial phases it's like you can't
18:11keep your hands off of each other you're spending the night you're kicking it you're sharing meals
18:16like you know out of the 24 hours you're with each other just about every hour yeah and then you become
18:22an adult and life comes at you fast and you have a job you have people pulling you know a thousand
18:28directions um and then you you start to feel like you're depleting yourself appeasing whether it's
18:35it's you're nine to five people in your family kids come and and then you don't have time for each
18:42other you know and there were moments like that where you know you have life moving a thousand miles
18:50a minute and then you come home and it's like all right how much do i have to give and now that i'm 38
18:57i realize that the most energy that i'm going to give will be in this house everybody else can get the rest
19:05i didn't do that and i didn't think about that when i was younger i wanted to conquer the world
19:08so it was like i'm gonna give the world all my energy because i know the world is gonna give me
19:12money it's gonna give me praise it's gonna feed my ego you know i'm a leo they're gonna tell me how
19:16great i am but i i realized like that is short-lived and you start looking at your own internal battery
19:25and you're like why am i always on 25 percent so um you know when i when i learned to plug into the
19:31family consistently that's when my battery is never depleted so i tell young couples keep that same
19:38energy you know people say like people say oh keep that same energy when they beefing with somebody
19:42you watching love and hip-hop keep that same energy right i i say if you're in a relationship you got
19:48to keep that same energy which is hard to do and sometimes you got to check it like my wife is saying
19:53sometimes we gotta be like look the kids can they can they can feed themselves we need to go on a date
19:57yeah we had our date night rule we had a date once a week still to this day we go on date night right
20:02because then you get to reconnect that's that energy man you just got to keep it because the people that
20:07know you the most know how to give you the most energy we don't realize that sometimes we ask for
20:12other people that have no idea who you are to be your energy source and then you find out that they're
20:17depleting you more than anything else so just plug into the ones you love black love is beautiful
20:23black love is as deep as a mile angelou poem it's as soulful as aretha franklin it's as
20:31complex as the best rap lyric you ever heard it's as sexy as the night of the wedding
20:39black love is as strong as a black fist in the air black love is as my wife would say it's everything
20:46everything it is everything and it is more necessary than ever right now we love to see it you are black
20:55family goals nate and detoya thank you so much for being here we really appreciate it
21:01of course thank you for having us and thank all of you guys for watching dear black men we love you
21:08thank you
21:15thank you
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