- 4 weeks ago
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00:30Hi, I'm Joy Marie McKenzie, Essence's Senior Entertainment Editor, and I don't know about you, but today has already been amazing with giving me so many nuggets of wisdom to get through self-isolation, or should I say physical distancing.
00:55And as my eight-month-old just so happened to take a nap outside of my office, so y'all might hear him wake up any minute now hungry, I know our next guest can sort of help me navigate through trying to take care of children while also working, hello, and taking care of full-time jobs.
01:13Thank you so much for joining me, Dr. Joy.
01:17Thank you so much for having me.
01:20And I want to properly introduce her.
01:23She obviously has an amazing name, so we know that.
01:26But Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford is a licensed psychologist and the host of the very super popular podcast, Therapy for Black Girls.
01:36Her work focuses on making mental health more applicable, more accessible by blending pop culture with super fancy and smart psychological concepts.
01:46She's been featured in so many magazines, but the only magazine that counts is Essence magazine, and she lives in Atlanta with her two sons.
01:55Thank you so much for joining us.
01:58Thank you again for having me.
02:00Yes.
02:01So as I sort of mentioned, so many mothers and fathers like me are trying to balance it all right now, having to not only make sure we are still employed, you know, thankfully,
02:13but also taking care of our children because daycares and schools are closed.
02:19What should parents be reminded of during this time when we seem to be balancing everything more so than ever before?
02:28Yeah.
02:29So one mantra that may be really helpful that I've been repeating for myself that I want to offer to you all is to give yourself grace and to give each other space.
02:39So it is going to be really important right now for us to understand that we are all just doing the best that we can in terms of continuing with our work,
02:49in terms of continuing to, you know, take care and educate our kids at home, continuing to show up in our partnerships and in our other relationships.
02:58And so it's important that we are all just really gracious and kind with ourselves right now.
03:03This was not anything that any of us expected.
03:05And so we're just doing the best that we can.
03:07So I think that that will be really important as we continue through this.
03:11Yeah.
03:12Can you talk about strategies that parents can utilize day to day on a day to day basis?
03:19Because honestly, every day seems like a new adventure with this quarantine life.
03:25And for my husband and I, we sort of we try to share the load as much as we can.
03:29So some days it's two on with you taking care of the child and then two off.
03:34But every day it doesn't work out like that.
03:37Are there other strategies or tips like that for parents to utilize on a practical level?
03:43Yeah, I think it is really important to try to have some semblance of a schedule right now.
03:47But even though, like, as you mentioned, that may look different from day to day, but both for your sanity and for your interest in keeping it all together and especially for kids, scheduling is really important.
03:59So even though there may be some flexibility and that it may change a little bit every day, as much as you can try to have at least a bare outline of what you would like your days to look like so that you can, you know, kind of have, again, some semblance of normalcy.
04:12And those important conversations around the division of labor, right?
04:18So before all of this happened, there may have been a schedule of who did what, when and all of that stuff.
04:24And now you will have to revisit those conversations.
04:26And I think that that will be really important to cut down on any tension, any confusion, any misconceptions in the home is that it's important to revisit those conversations and figure out how do we navigate this new normal that we're living in.
04:39Yeah, absolutely.
04:42And speaking of re-navigating, I was one of those moms who was so anti-screen time for my little one.
04:49But now I'm like, I need help.
04:51I need a break.
04:53So, you know, sometimes I'll put it on now just for a break.
04:57But I've heard a lot of us are, you know, watching our screens more and more, whether it's to watch the news or on our phones, on the computers more and more.
05:05But I've read that sort of screen time can zap your creativity, can zap your energy.
05:12How should parents be navigating screen time for little ones, for kids and even for teenagers?
05:20Yeah.
05:20So this is one of those areas where I think it will be important to be flexible and be gracious with yourself.
05:26So the rules that you had about what went before all of this may have to be a little bit more flexible now.
05:31Right.
05:32And so we understand we're trying to hop on a conference call or leave a conference call or send an important email.
05:37So sometimes the screen can be our savior.
05:40So it's OK to relax the guidelines that you had about screen time and be a little bit more flexible with that.
05:47But the other thing I think that's important for us to remember as adults is that if you are watching too much news, there does come a point where you are oversaturating yourself with news.
05:58And so it's important to kind of get the information that you need maybe once or twice a day, but to be really mindful of not continuing to kind of scroll through Twitter and continuing to check out CNN or all those places that you go, because you really do become overwhelmed with a lot of the news.
06:13And so you have to be careful because that can impact things like your sleep, like your creativity, like your mood.
06:20And so it's important to pay attention and to try to limit that as much as possible.
06:25That's a great tip, because I am a news junkie, obviously, in this business, but it affects you so much.
06:33But it's not all doom and gloom, self-isolation.
06:37One of the wonderful things that I love about being home is that I do have more time to connect with my friends virtually.
06:44And I know social media gets a bad rap sometimes, but I've been loving reconnecting with my college friends.
06:49We all downloaded this app called House Party that the kids are using.
06:53We're late to the party, but that's okay.
06:55And it just feels like a homecoming every time I log on.
06:59So I've had a chance to super reconnect with friends.
07:02What are some of the benefits of being at home and not feeling stuck at home?
07:09Yeah, and I do think that that is a really positive reframe, right?
07:12So a part of what we all are having in this situation is to let go of the idea that we have any control over any of this.
07:19And so it is important, if you can, to lean into, okay, what could I do with this time that I may have?
07:26Or are there some opportunities to kind of reconnect with people who I may have lost track with?
07:31And so, you know, like you mentioned, downloading apps like House Party or a Netflix party, which people are loving.
07:37So taking those kinds of opportunities to be creative and to stay connected to your support system is really important right now.
07:43So I think as much as you can do that, then I would say go for it.
07:46Nice. And you mentioned couples and making sure that couples are still connected through this time.
07:54And couples are spending so much more time together, not always for the best, but, you know, we love our partners.
08:01But I read somewhere that this time is sort of like the ultimate test for relationships.
08:07And actually in China, they've seen an uptick in the divorce rate.
08:12They've seen more incidences of domestic violence and abuse.
08:17Have you seen this? And for couples who might be going through the ups and the downs during this time,
08:23what advice could you give them while they're with each other?
08:29That is a really important note to, I think, touch on, Joy Marie,
08:32because I think it's important to be aware that the ways that we were coping when we had much more flexibility
08:39and like leeway in terms of our travel and things like that, we don't have those anymore.
08:44And so it is important to figure out what kinds of ways that you're going to use that are healthy to kind of cope with anything that you're feeling.
08:50And I also think it's really important for us to make sure that we're actually talking to our partners about how we're feeling.
08:55So the way that this impacts us is going to be different for each of us.
08:59For a lot of us, it is bringing up some old wounds and old traumas that we maybe haven't worked through.
09:05And I don't think that we always do the best job of actually talking with our partners about how we're actually feeling,
09:10especially right now, because this is something that likely most of us have not experienced before.
09:15And so making sure that you're sharing in with one another to say, hey, I'm feeling really anxious.
09:19I'm feeling really stressed. I'm feeling whatever is going to be really important for you to give voice to that,
09:25but also for you to ask and vice versa with your partner to figure out how you can support one another in the things that are coming up for you.
09:34Yeah, that's super important advice.
09:38And, you know, unfortunately, there are couples who aren't in the healthiest of situations.
09:43There are children who aren't in the healthiest of situations.
09:47Everyone who is at home doesn't necessarily mean they're safe at home.
09:52And so I know that you experience this and see this in your practice a lot.
09:58But if there are people who are watching that might be dealing with instances of abuse at home,
10:03whether it's emotionally, physically, God forbid, sexually, God forbid,
10:07what are some of the resources that are out there so that they don't feel like they are stuck?
10:14Can they utilize food, food banks?
10:17Are shelters still open?
10:21So unfortunately, I think some of those resources have closed, of course,
10:25because everybody is kind of sheltering at home.
10:27But some of the online resources are still available.
10:31So places like the National Domestic Violence Hotline is still available.
10:35And you can call or text them, as well as the crisis text line.
10:39So that's another resource for people to be able to, you know,
10:42get some support should they need it, that they can use their phone very discreetly
10:46to get some help and to reach out to someone.
10:49The other thing that I think is important is that if you know that you have a loved one
10:53who was maybe struggling with some of those circumstances,
10:55and of course now maybe has to be in the home with somebody who may be abusive
11:01or not so kind to them,
11:02just to make sure that you're reaching out and checking in and trying to offer support
11:06in any way that you can.
11:08Of course, again, we're not, you know, necessarily kind of going over and stuff like that.
11:11But you can still reach out to just let people know that you're thinking about them
11:14and that if there's anything you can do, that you'd be happy to support them in that way.
11:19Hmm, that's super important.
11:22And I know that on Essence.com there are resources we've listed for people who might find themselves
11:30in a situation.
11:31So please feel free to go to Essence.com for more about what Dr. Joy has said.
11:37And before I open it up to audience questions, because we seem to have a lot of really good
11:42questions, anxiety seems to be at an all-time high.
11:46We've heard this throughout the day, throughout the whole virtual summit actually,
11:50and myself included, I am dealing with this anxiety that I've never even dealt with before.
11:55I've never seen it really show up on a constant and consistent basis.
11:59For people who are like me, who have never dealt with the feelings of anxiety,
12:04what are some of the symptoms that we should be looking out for,
12:08the ways that it shows up in your body?
12:10I've noticed that I walk around the house and my shoulders are like super tense all the time.
12:17And I'm like, okay, I know this is a reaction to what is going on in the world right now.
12:22But for people who might be on an entry level with anxiety, what should we be looking out for?
12:27And then when should we seek help?
12:29Yeah, that's a really good question.
12:33And I'm glad you mentioned that, Joy Marie, because I think we don't often know that anxiety
12:36does often show up in our bodies.
12:38So things like our shoulders being tensed or we recognize that we are not relaxing our jaw,
12:44it can sometimes result in headaches and stomach aches and things like that.
12:49Sometimes we think it's something else and really it is mental health kinds of concern like anxiety.
12:54Some other things that you may want to pay attention to, like we talked about before,
12:58are changes in your sleep.
13:00So maybe you're sleeping more, you're sleeping less, or sleep is getting interrupted,
13:04changes in your appetite, things like intrusive thoughts.
13:09Even the scrolling that we do sometimes in looking for new information and looking for answers
13:14is really a presentation of anxiety.
13:17So it can look lots of different ways for people.
13:19And so I think it's just important for you to pay attention, you know,
13:22use some of this time where it may be a little more quiet to kind of check in with yourself
13:26just to notice like, okay, what was I doing and what did that make me feel like?
13:30You know, so if you notice when you spend too much time, you know, online,
13:33you recognize that your shoulders are more tense, then that's information for you that
13:37you may need to kind of cut down on some of the time that you're spending online.
13:41In terms of when you want to reach out to somebody, I think at any point when you recognize
13:46that you're being impacted, it's okay to reach out for support.
13:49So you don't have to wait until it has become something that is out of your control to reach
13:55out and get some support.
13:56Sometimes you can develop some skills and strategies early on that can help it from
14:00or stop it from becoming like a cold rib situation.
14:04So I think at any point when you recognize like I could use some extra help,
14:08then it may be important to go ahead and reach out.
14:10I love that.
14:12And you mentioned some extra tools and strategies.
14:15Is there something day to day that we can do to reduce anxiety?
14:20I know I need this right now.
14:23So is it breathing?
14:24Is it just taking a walk?
14:26What are some things that we can do like literally right now after we lock off?
14:29Yeah, so, you know, breathing exercises are really great.
14:34So there are lots of great apps that people like.
14:36So things like Calm and Headspace people really enjoy.
14:40You can also use YouTube for lots of different resources.
14:43So different meditation and mindfulness activities.
14:47And there's also a really good one that's called a progressive muscle relaxation.
14:51And that is where you're kind of going throughout your body,
14:53both tensing and relaxing the different muscle groups in your body.
14:56And if you're somebody who your anxiety does present more physically,
15:00then that could be a really good one for you to start using and practicing
15:04so that it becomes more of a part of your daily routine.
15:08I love that.
15:09I am doing that tonight.
15:11I love that idea.
15:14All right.
15:14So I have asked you all of my questions,
15:17but I know that our Essence readers have tons of questions for you.
15:21And before we logged on today, we asked on social media, on our website,
15:26if anyone had questions for Dr. Joy and you guys delivered.
15:30So our first question, so get ready, Dr. Joy.
15:34I'm ready.
15:36All right.
15:36So our first question says, it reads,
15:39what do you do when people are telling you to go to therapy,
15:43but you don't have insurance and you just can't afford it?
15:47Yeah, that's a really good question.
15:50And, you know, this does come up a lot.
15:51So a couple of resources that, you know, unfortunately we don't have access to now,
15:56but, you know, if in a couple of months we're in a different situation,
15:59colleges and universities sometimes have training clinics where people who are
16:03learning to become therapists are supervised by licensed professionals.
16:07And so you can sometimes go there for a much lower rate or sometimes even free.
16:11There's also a website called Open Path Collective.
16:14I think it's openpathcollective.org, where lots of therapists have signed up and they use a sliding scale.
16:20Usually the sessions are between $30 and $50.
16:23And so you can find therapists there.
16:26And also on our website at therapyforblackgirls.com,
16:29we have a therapist directory and there's an option to choose sliding scale.
16:33So there are therapists who do provide services for a lower cause.
16:37So you just have to sometimes be diligent about kind of doing the research
16:41and digging it and finding some of that.
16:44Nice.
16:45That's awesome advice.
16:46I did not know that.
16:48Another question reads, after this is over,
16:51how do we deal with the anxiety of being in the outside world again,
16:55especially if there aren't real solutions or vaccines,
16:58especially with us sending our kids out in an uncertain world as well?
17:04That is a really good question.
17:06So I think, you know, there will still be lots of anxiety.
17:09Lots of us will experience because so much of it is unknown.
17:13And so I think it is really important to pay attention to what medical professionals are saying,
17:19both, you know, from the CDC, National Institute of Health and from the World Health Organization,
17:23but also your personal, you know, primary care physicians and your pediatricians,
17:28because they will likely kind of have more of that cutting edge information than even we will have as the public.
17:33So I think it's important to kind of have those conversations and be tuned into that information
17:38so that you can make the most educated decisions for yourself.
17:41But I also think that it's important for people to recognize the personal choices and responsibilities we have.
17:47Also, you know, so it could be the kind of thing where they say schools are open again,
17:52but you could also make a decision that you might not be ready to send your kids to school yet.
17:56Are you going to do something alternative? Right.
17:58Right.
17:58So there are always choices that you can make, even if, you know, they say, hey, you know,
18:02the country's back open, so to speak.
18:04You can make some decisions that you feel are best for your family.
18:07I love that. Empower yourself. Yeah.
18:11Yeah.
18:12I love that. And we sort of touched on this, but I want to ask it anyway,
18:17because it talks about personal space.
18:19And I know a lot of moms, especially with little ones, are dealing with how to manage this.
18:24So for working moms who are still responsible for child care and professional responsibilities,
18:29how can I find time to create personal space?
18:32I think that's super important right now.
18:36Yeah, that is really important.
18:38And, you know, of course, like we talk about, like, this comes up, I think, a lot for moms.
18:42You know, so a lot of us spend a lot of time trying to hide in the bathroom, right?
18:45So that we can just have a moment of peace and quiet.
18:52And, of course, you know, undoubtedly somebody will find you there.
18:55But, you know, finding those spaces in your home with a door, if you can, can be really important.
19:00So the bathroom, the closet.
19:02I've also been telling people that if you have access to a car, you don't have to go and drive anywhere in the car.
19:08If you just can go sit in the garage or go sit in the driveway in the car with the door closed,
19:14that might give you some very much needed space and, you know, just some minutes to collect yourself.
19:20And, you know, just sometimes I can quiet your thoughts and have some space.
19:23The other thing that has been really helpful for my family is that we have kind of been having their grandmothers kind of babysit via FaceTime.
19:33So, you know, we will put them, yeah, so that is, you know, still talking about screen time.
19:38But they're actually, like, communicating with an adult who can at least make sure they're not jumping off of something, right?
19:43So I think, you know, to get creative, get creative, you know, with other family members.
19:47You know, you and friends can kind of take turns doing, like, a virtual book club for the kids.
19:52So somebody's in charge of reading books for them for 30 minutes while you may be able to take a break.
19:57You know, so I think we have to just kind of think outside of the box about how we can support one another right now.
20:03Yeah, I love that idea.
20:04Yes.
20:05Okay.
20:06Nina, that's what we call my mother.
20:07Nina, you're on duty, girl.
20:11But I love that.
20:12And then for people who are in shared living situations, one reader asked, how do I set clear boundaries?
20:21Yeah.
20:23Yeah.
20:23So, you know, again, I think that this is where those conversations are going to be really important.
20:28So things that might have not been an issue before or maybe an issue for you now.
20:34And so I think going to the other person and saying, like, this is something that's bothering me before it actually builds up, right?
20:40Because I think sometimes what happens is that we don't say anything, we don't say anything, and then there's a huge blow up.
20:46And so if you can get in front of that and actually, you know, just have the conversation like, okay, this is a new situation for everybody.
20:52Or there's some new things that we need to discuss about how we can both, you know, negotiate this space.
20:58You know, we're in this together.
20:59How can we make this as pleasant as possible for everybody?
21:02And then the real work comes in enforcing your boundaries.
21:05So it's one thing to kind of just say, like, hey, this is not okay for me, but then you actually have to do something about it.
21:12So that may mean you limiting interaction.
21:15That may mean that you have to have some difficult conversations.
21:18But it is okay for you to still be setting boundaries right now, even in the midst of what's going on.
21:24It plays out, too, in the workspace, too.
21:30A lot of people find themselves working later hours or working earlier hours.
21:35I'm guilty of that because we do have to navigate child care in between.
21:39How do we transition those personal boundaries to work as well?
21:43So I think that this is where you're going to continue to have to have some boundary settings.
21:49So you may be working kind of flexible hours, you know, kind of like you said, to take care of kids in the middle.
21:54But it's also important to make sure that you're kind of shutting down that work email and stuff at a certain time.
22:00So this may be one of those cases where, you know, since everybody's like has their laptop at home,
22:06there's no need for your work email maybe to be on your phone anymore.
22:09So having, like, very clear-cut boundaries, I think, can be really helpful.
22:13And that's where that schedule also comes in.
22:15So if you know, okay, at 10 o'clock p.m., even though I worked a little later, I'm done for the day
22:20and I'm not going to open this stuff up again until maybe, you know, 10 a.m. the next morning.
22:24So working with your schedule, I think, can be helpful as well.
22:28I love that.
22:29I love that.
22:31And another question we have, this has come up often.
22:35My therapist's office is closed.
22:37How can I continue taking care of myself while her office is closed?
22:43Yeah, that's an unfortunate situation.
22:46And, of course, you know, not everybody is necessarily in this space to be able to offer virtual sessions.
22:52And so I know that this can be really hard and nobody really ever wants to do this.
22:57But it may be okay for you to start talking with another therapist if you feel like you need some support right now.
23:03So it could be that even though your therapist is not offering virtual services, you may still be able to sign, like, a consent form where your new therapist has permission to talk to your old therapist
23:15so that they can kind of talk about what was happening and what kind of support you may continue to need right now.
23:20So, you know, I would hate for anybody to feel like, okay, I really need this sort of therapist, but I can't get in touch with my old therapist.
23:27It is okay to work with a new therapist if you feel like you continue to need some support.
23:31Some support is going to be better than nothing at all.
23:34So do stay open to that option.
23:36Nice.
23:38And honestly, we are all out of questions, but I want to ask a question that my niece kind of brought up earlier today, because we do have a little bit more time.
23:48And I just want to make sure we get all of our good Dr. Joy time while we have you maximize that doctor.
23:56But she's a student, right?
23:57And so she won't be graduating this year.
24:00She's missing her friends.
24:02She doesn't want to learn from mom and dad.
24:04For students who might be watching along with their parents, how can you address their needs?
24:10Because they have a unique, a totally unique situation where they love learning in school, but they don't want to learn from mom and dad.
24:18It's completely different.
24:18And they might be missing out on stuff.
24:21How can we help them navigate this process too?
24:25So I think it's really important for people to make sure that they are tapped into the level of grief that a lot of people are experiencing related to the way that this is shaking.
24:34And it's really important for them to bring up everybody's lives.
24:35And so a lot of what people are seeing, especially I think with, you know, younger kids who may not be as talkative, is that you're likely seeing some grief reactions.
24:44So they may be less interested in like learning from you or they just want to spend time with their kids and depending on their, with their friends and depending on their age, they may not have the best understanding of even what's happening.
24:54And so I think it's important to give them space to talk about how they're feeling and to talk about what they're missing and to get creative about ways that they can also stay connected to their friends and maybe even connected to their teachers, if that's a possibility.
25:09And I also think it's really important that you are flexible with what the curriculum looks like.
25:13So, you know, again, we're all doing the best that we can.
25:17So you're not going to be teaching exactly like your student's teacher was teaching in the first place.
25:22So be creative and allow them to learn things that they wouldn't have learned otherwise in school.
25:28You know, so there are lots of different documentaries that you can use as kind of discussion topics.
25:33Lots of museums have virtual tours where you can, you know, take a tour virtually of the museum and then talk about it and maybe do a project.
25:41This would be a great time for, you know, for us to kind of pick up any black history things and dive into some of those works that we don't always get in our school situations.
25:50So I think don't get so, don't get so tied into thinking that you have to do it exactly like the teacher because you're not, that's not possible.
25:57So be realistic, be flexible with yourself and make sure that you're also giving your kids space to talk about the ways that they're sad about what's been happening.
26:07Awesome. I love that advice.
26:09As we're sort of coming to a close, Dr. Joy, is there anything that you just want to remind our Essence.com viewers as they kind of go out and navigate this uncertain time?
26:20Yeah, I know we have talked about anxiety a lot, but I do think it is important just for people to understand that we are all in this together.
26:27And that any anxiety and fear and, you know, all of that, that you're feeling is completely normal because this is a very unknown kind of situation and it's kind of rapidly evolving and changing by the day.
26:39And so I think it is important for you to make sure that you are thinking about how you can take care of yourself and how you can ask, because I think that that's something that we don't always do well is to ask for people to support and help us.
26:51And, you know, we don't have to figure this all out by ourselves and so I think we have a unique opportunity now to really get creative and to really figure out how we can lean on ourselves, but also lean on each other to support one another through this.
27:04Well, thank you so much for your support, Dr. Joy, and for your service, honestly, because a lot of leaders like yourself are really doing a selfless job as you are not only taking care of yourself, but taking care of your community.
27:19And we definitely appreciate the work that you're doing.
27:23Thank you. Thank you. Happy to do it.
27:25Yes. And you can find more Dr. Joy on Essence.com and our helpful resource section.
27:33But for people who want to talk directly to you, Dr. Joy, where can they reach you?
27:38Yeah. So you can find me at HelloDrJoy.com and I am at HelloDrJoy across social media, but also visit our website, like I said, at TherapyForBlackGirls.com because we have tons of resources to help you to deal with this situation and other things that you might be struggling with.
27:53Awesome. Thank you so much again. And thank you guys for tuning in with Joy and Dr. Joy.
28:01We hope that you got so many nuggets from this conversation. I know I have.
28:06And I hope you continue to join us today at Essence Wellness House, a virtual summit.
28:23We'll see you next time.
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