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Fantastic quests you missed in CD Projekt RED's masterpiece.
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00:00The Witcher 3 absolutely owns. You know this, I know this, but one positive trait that is often
00:06overlooked is just how funny it can be. So with that in mind then, I'm Josh from WhatCulture.com
00:10and these are 10 hilarious Witcher 3 quests you totally missed.
00:15Number 10, Shock Therapy. At a cave in Ard Skellig, Geralt will encounter a druid who asks for
00:21assistance. He'll inform you that a fellow druid, Egil, has suddenly and mysteriously gone mute,
00:28with none of their spells or potions doing the trick. He enlists the help of a Witcher to scare
00:33Egil since eliciting strong emotions is said to be a cure for whatever ailment he has. By the time
00:40players arrive at this point in the game, they will of course be accustomed to receiving strange
00:45requests, so nothing seems too out of the ordinary at first. And with the promise of a rare Gwent card
00:51as payment, the job is pretty much impossible to refuse, unless you hate Gwent of course, in which
00:57case you need to get a grip. What follows then is Geralt playing cruel pranks on the druid to annoy him
01:03as much as possible. Extinguishing the fire after he lights it, setting some angry wasps on him, and
01:09rattling pots and pans when he falls asleep will all do the trick here. The druid will eventually speak
01:15again, but will be deeply upset with you and your shenanigans. And that's because it turns out that the
01:21druid was undergoing a vow of silence, which you were just tricked into breaking for a laugh. But hey,
01:27at least that new Gwent card will help alleviate the guilt, am I right?
01:31Number 9, Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Granite
01:35Not only does this side quest have an incredible pun title, Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Granite
01:41sees Geralt of Rivia set out on one of his strangest escapades to date as part of the Blood and Wine
01:46expansion. The quest can begin by picking up a notice or by stumbling upon a closed exhibition
01:52at L'Olivia Square. Either way, Geralt will eventually be approached by a distressed man
01:56who asks for his assistance on a pretty sensitive matter. That's because it transpires that the
02:02genitals of a famous statue have gone missing, and it's up to Geralt to recover them so that the
02:07exhibit can be reopened. And with the missing treasured bollocks said to boost the sex drives of
02:13whoever holds them, anyone could be a suspect. Following the scent of the purple reddish cologne
02:18back to their house, Geralt will find an older man having an impassioned affair with a young woman,
02:24with the stolen artifact being the cause for his ahem, rejuvenated spark. Players must then decide
02:30whether to recover the stones or let the man make the most of his newfound mojo. Let him keep them
02:36though, and players will return later on to find that the man has died of what can only be described
02:42as a bad case of, to be polite, shagging himself silly.
02:468. Fool's Gold
02:49One of the three DLC quests added to the game, Fool's Gold can be started in the small village of Lurch,
02:54where Geralt will encounter a group of bandits happily roasting a pig that they claim to have
02:59caught in a village. One of the locals is devastated by the pig's death however, and after dispatching
03:05the bandits he'll tell the Witcher about the piggy magic that's taken over the area. Intrigued by the
03:11mystery, Geralt's investigations will take him to a sealed temple reached via a portal. Further
03:17exploration reveals that the pigs themselves roaming the village are actually the humans said
03:21to have gone missing as they were transformed into the animals for stealing cursed gold.
03:26With a little help from the remaining villager, Geralt solves this oddball mystery, though the
03:31funniest part of the quest comes when first exploring the temple. While there, Geralt encounters one of
03:37the pigs who understands what the Witcher says. What follows is a delightfully weird scene in which
03:43the monster hunter chats with a pig, and the pig uses grunts to answer yes or no to his questions.
03:49He can even feed the hungry pig some food if the player wants to. So yeah, Geralt can now add talking
03:54to animals to his extensive list of talents. 7. A frying pan, spick and span
04:01When we first meet Geralt at the start of the game, he's hot on the trail of Yennefer,
04:05whose letter leads the monster hunter to the small region of White Orchid. But even with a pressing
04:10matter at hand as well as dealing with a pesky griffon upon arrival, there's no task that's too
04:15small for Geralt or the player, including helping a kindly old woman get her frying pan back. If
04:21players aren't spurred on by the urgency of Geralt's mission, they can discover said woman by a hut on
04:27the riverbank. She'll then tell the Witcher about an odd encounter that she had the night before,
04:32in which a stranger asked to borrow her precious pan but failed to return it. Unable to break into
04:37the hut herself, she asks Geralt if he wouldn't mind retrieving the cooking implement for her.
04:43Thus begins a frying pan, spick and span. However, after entering the building, Geralt discovers the
04:49scene of a murder alongside a pile of letters written using the soot scraped from the pan,
04:55the implication being that the deceased man was a spy. Even this quest journal entry mocks the banality
05:01of this task, as retrieving frying pans simply isn't as exciting as slaying monsters, and yet,
05:07if we got the quest, we certainly did it anyway. Number 6, The Tower Out of Nowheres
05:14In The Witcher 3, developer CDPR's abiding satire isn't limited to tackling themes of monsters and men.
05:21The writers likewise took this epic fantasy setting and used it to give their thoughts on
05:25the gaming industry at large, namely, the controversy surrounding digital rights management or DRM for
05:32short. This tongue in cheek allegory is the subject of the quest, The Tower Out of Nowheres. In it,
05:38Geralt will be informed by a group of disgruntled villagers that the sudden appearance of a tower is
05:43the reason for the non-stop storm in the area, and being a Witcher, he'll naturally be asked to
05:48investigate further. Upon reaching the tower, players discover the tower's newest owner sealed
05:53behind a barrier. Talking to him reveals that the tower has a Defense Regulatory Magicon, or DRM for
06:00short, that only the tower's original owner can deactivate. The only teensy-winsy problem is that
06:07the former owner is now dead. It's therefore up to the Witcher to search for the only means to lift the
06:13lock, that being, a book known as Gottfried's Omni-Opening Grimoire, or GOG for short, which is
06:20in the real world, a digital store owned by the developers, which was against DRM, so that the
06:26barrier can be unlocked. So yeah, well played CD Projekt Red, I have played this mission like twice,
06:31and I've only just now got the joke. Number 5, Face Me If You Dare
06:36A quest that isn't marked on the map, Face Me If You Dare is one of the easier quests to miss
06:41entirely, and it's also one of the game's most hilarious encounters, so please check it out.
06:46While traveling through Velen, Geralt can stumble upon an emboldened knight standing near the bridge
06:51to Crow's Perch. His name is Ranvid of the Small Marsh, and he's on a quest to slay 100 knights to
06:57win the affection of a woman. Though Geralt is sarcastically dismissive of his challenge,
07:02Ranvid is insistent, but ultimately proves to be no match for a seasoned monster hunter. However,
07:08the knight doesn't give up easily. He could be met again a few days later by the Tretogod Gate,
07:14with a new shield and even better armor. But still, it takes more of the new equipment to best
07:19a Witcher, and he goes down again. Still, Ranvid isn't done, and players can meet him a final time
07:25in Novigrad, where he's enlisted the help of two thugs as backup. Geralt by now grown increasingly
07:31annoyed with the knight's efforts, has the choice to either de-escalate the situation and send him
07:36home, or just fight him to the death and get rid of him. Either way, the player won't be dealing with
07:41this guy again. 4. Portrait of the Witcher as an Old Man
07:46The Sunnylands of Toussaint may be terrorized by a ferocious vampire, but the Blood & Wine DLC
07:51isn't all about bloodshed and massacres. In fact, there are plenty of light-hearted adventures to
07:56embark on, like the one we've already mentioned, and one of the better ones is a portrait of the
08:01Witcher as an old man. After completing the warble of a smitten knight, head to the market square just
08:06south of the Grand Palace signpost, and you'll be approached by an artist who's struck by Geralt's
08:11distinctive physique, and will want to use him as his next model. If Geralt agrees, he'll be tasked to
08:17meet the painter when the light is better, and the pair will travel to a prime location. However,
08:22this being a quest, Geralt will need to recover the artist's pants from some thieving neckers before
08:27they can properly start. After all that though, players will then be given a choice of how they'd
08:32like to immortalize the Witcher through the medium of art. Whether they choose posing on horseback,
08:37standing heroically with their sword, or just casually reclining, the outcome will be similar,
08:43and that's because Geralt will return the next day to discover that the artist had sneakily
08:48painted him with most of his clothes off. And you know what, to be honest, I'd probably have it no
08:54other way. Number 3, Paper Chase. The bulk of the Witcher 3's humorous quest,
08:59send players head first into bizarre situations to enjoy some fun in between the more serious plot
09:04beats. Paper Chase, however, is a little different. This time, the joke is on the player. Again,
09:10part of the Blood and Wine DLC, players can find this quest by talking to a vineyard owner near Trenton's
09:16workshop. It turns out that he actually owes Geralt payment from years ago, and decided to place the
09:22coin in a savings account at the bank, which would have gained a healthy amount of interest by now.
09:27All Geralt needs to do, he's told, is walk into the bank and withdraw the funds, but bureaucracy is
09:33rarely that simple. And as a result, a clerical error means that the Witcher is forced to chase down
09:39various forms in what becomes a perpetual cycle of dead ends and unhelpful tellers. Instead of hunting
09:45monsters then, players will spend their time hunting documents, and it's as tedious as you would expect.
09:52In this quest, the action-packed gameplay players are used to is replaced by exciting moments,
09:56including watching a cat wash itself, getting into an argument about cutting in a line,
10:02and charming a clerk into speeding things along, like using Curb Your Enthusiasm or something.
10:06So yeah, this is why witches don't use banks. This is why they take cash payments up front.
10:122. A Tome Entombed
10:15Located deep within the labyrinth of sewers underneath Novigrad, this side quest is extremely
10:20easy to miss. However, A Tome Entombed is a part of the game that players certainly won't want to
10:25skip. While exploring the sewers, players will eventually come across a weak wall next to a sealed
10:30gate. Knock it down with Ard, and Geralt will find himself in a tomb where he'll be met with a
10:35scholar struggling to move the lid on a stone sarcophagus. The stranger will inform Geralt that he's a
10:40professor of archaeology from Oxenfurt who has reason to believe that an important lost text
10:45resides in this tomb. When helping the academic open the lid though, the pair are greeted by a
10:51slumbering vampire who's not too pleased with being disturbed. Still insistent that the tome could
10:57still be in the tomb though, perhaps kept under the vampire's pillow for reading, the professor
11:01asks Geralt to just have another look. If he agrees, the monster will have had enough of his nonsense and
11:07just attack outright, leaving the monster hunter with no choice but to kill the creature for what
11:12turns out to be pretty much no reason at all. Number 1, Equine Phantoms
11:18When Geralt encounters a hermit in the Blood and Wine DLC, he's presented with a seemingly unsolvable
11:23mystery to hunt down an invisible ray. To aid his investigation though, the hermit brews the witcher
11:29a special potion containing a potent hallucinogenic said to reveal the unseen. When he awakes after drinking
11:35it though, Geralt discovers that a side effect of the potion allows him to talk to animals, including
11:41his trusty steed Roach. What follows is a hilarious buddy comedy caper in which the pair set out to
11:47solve the contract together. Roach is absolutely the star of the show here. He's a sharp-witted expert
11:53on monster hunting and letting him take the lead makes for a hilarious and refreshing change of pace.
11:59Moreover, the quest showcases the writing team at the top of their game. Not only is Equine Phantoms
12:04scattered with amusing horse puns, but it also takes the opportunity to poke fun at aspects of
12:09the game, such as Roach's ability to materialize from nowhere alongside his unresponsive controls.
12:15This quest is simply a delightful experience from start to finish, and when it's over,
12:20players will wish that they could spend more time chatting to this unsung Equestrian hero.
12:26So that's our list, and once you think down in the comments below, did you guys stumble upon
12:30these hilarious quests, and are there any great ones I missed off here? While you're down there as well,
12:34could you please give us a like, share, subscribe, and head over to whatculture.com for more lists
12:38and news like this every single day. Even if you don't though, I've been Josh,
12:41thanks so much for watching, and I'll see you soon.
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