- 20 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, Canada's top comics will be more intolerant and more prejudiced than you've ever seen.
00:06Actually, wait, this is Montreal. You guys see that every day.
00:09It'll be like every regular interaction in Montreal.
00:12From the Just For Laughs Festival in beautiful Montreal, I'm Ennis Esmer and this is Roast Battle Canada!
00:30Welcome to the show that doesn't spit and doesn't swallow. We just bite it clean off.
00:45Tonight, you'll see more jokes in half an hour than swiping through Tinder in your shitty hometown.
00:51So buckle up, Canada. It's about to get more knee-slapping than a munchkin dominatrix.
00:56This is Roast Battle Canada!
01:00And now, let's meet our judges.
01:08First up is a comedian that they call the Michael Jordan of being covered in open source.
01:14Give it up for a guy with legions of fans and lesions all over his body.
01:19It's K. Trevor Wilson!
01:24And as we've known each other for over 25 years,
01:26it's truly thrilling to be able to work with you on this show every year.
01:30That being said, you are a human chia pet and I wouldn't piss on you to make you grow.
01:35Okay. And beside K. Trev, she's here, she's queer, she gets three laughs a year, it's Sabrina Jalise!
01:44Actually, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let me try that again.
01:49She's here, she's queer, she has the blank expression of a deer, it's Sabrina Jalise!
01:54You know, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, one more time, one more time.
01:58She's here, she's queer, it would take a few beers.
02:01It's Sabrina Jalisse!
02:06Mange ma merde, Ennis.
02:09That means eat my shit.
02:10I got it.
02:11Ennis, my entire family got lice this year,
02:14and that was less irritating than making small talk with you backstage.
02:22Okay, okay, get this.
02:23Our final judge, Russell Peters, met his wife while she was at a store trying on shoes,
02:28and he stopped to admire her feet.
02:32In fairness, she stopped to admire his wallet.
02:36Give it up for the only man that goes to Foot Locker to donate sperm, it's Russell Peters!
02:45Hey, Ennis!
02:47My favorite little deep-fried-looking human.
02:50You're like a haggis with a blue jacket on.
02:56All right, now let's get to the battle, everybody.
02:58It's Crystal Ferrier versus Rebecca Reeds!
03:01I'm about to roast the fuck out of Rebecca Reeds.
03:06I'm from small-town Ontario, and nobody can out-bitch small-town Ontario.
03:12Honestly, she's so sweet.
03:14She's not built for this.
03:16I've been roasted my whole life by my Indian mother.
03:18My opponent sucks because she left all of her punchlines where she left her kids,
03:23locked in her van.
03:25Give it up for Crystal Ferrier!
03:27And Rebecca Reeds!
03:45Crystal Ferrier versus Rebecca Reeds.
03:48Judges, let's size up this battle.
03:50K-TREF?
03:51I'm excited for this one.
03:52It looks like a Canadian remake of The Help.
03:57These are two very funny comedians.
04:00I don't know how much they have in common besides fucking black dudes, though.
04:05All right, Sabrina, your pre-game thoughts.
04:08My pre-game thoughts.
04:09This is a classic case of chicken tikka meets can't-handle paprika.
04:16All right, Russell, what's your pre-game analysis?
04:19Well, they both look like lesbians.
04:20This should be fun.
04:22It's Curry versus McFlurry.
04:24I'm excited.
04:25Okay, let's get this battle started.
04:28Crystal, are you ready?
04:29Ready.
04:30Rebecca, are you ready?
04:31Ready.
04:32Audience, are we ready?
04:34Well, then, let's roast!
04:40Crystal has the name of a stripper and the build of a strip club.
04:44But she doesn't strip.
04:47She just really likes to shower in water fountains.
04:51She'd do it at the beach, but she doesn't want to shower where she shits.
04:58Shut the fuck up.
05:03Rebecca, you're so fucking white.
05:06When your boyfriend comes on your face, you just rub it in.
05:14She doesn't even use makeup.
05:17She uses whiteout.
05:20And honestly, if I had a face like that, I'd fucking erase it, too.
05:24I'm not going to say that Rebecca is manly or that she's trailer trash, okay?
05:35But I once saw her crack open a beer on her Adam's apple with just one hand.
05:43The other hand was scratching her balls.
05:47I actually do have balls.
05:50They're huge.
05:51They're huge.
05:53Crystal used to be a behavioral therapist, which is crazy because she looks like the top
05:59seller of an MLM makeup brand.
06:03She looks like all of her advice would involve lavender hand cream and cheating on your husband
06:08at the conference.
06:10He doesn't deserve you, bestie.
06:12You deserve an exciting business opportunity.
06:14How dare you make fun of how I look when you're wearing that fucking shirt?
06:24You look like a gym teacher that's gay for Jesus.
06:30You look like a basement apartment realtor.
06:33And your credit's shit, so I wouldn't sell to you, bitch.
06:44Rebecca, I would tell you to lower your voice, but God already did.
06:56How do you have the voice of a trucker and the body of a truck?
07:04But it's way cheaper to fill you up.
07:07Crystal has two American bullies, and if you don't know what those dogs look like, they
07:19have short, compact, bulky bodies, a blocky head.
07:24Now, a lot of people say owners look like their dogs, but I disagree.
07:28Unless those dogs have C-sections and a row of teeth that could open a soup can, it's not a match.
07:36You disrespectful bitch.
07:40Calm down, Axel Rosacea.
07:45Rebecca has a strawberry plant tattoo.
07:48The strawberry represents when a homeless man once came all over her.
07:53She was bright red, covered in seed, but she was just happy to be picked.
08:02I got it for my dead grandma, you know?
08:06Nana was a whore just like you.
08:13Sorry, Nana, rest in peace.
08:14You bet.
08:17Last joke!
08:20Crystal moved from India to Brampton.
08:23Which is really like moving from Brampton to India.
08:29That's like going from R. Kelly's publicist to Diddy's publicist.
08:33It's a net zero.
08:39Rebecca dumped her French fiancé and is now with her African boyfriend.
08:45It was actually very romantic.
08:47They met on a boat.
08:48She looked deep into his eyes and he said,
08:51I'm the captain now.
08:56Rebecca Reeves and Crystal Ferrier, everybody.
08:59Let them hear it.
09:00Oh my goodness.
09:01Fantastic.
09:02Awful.
09:03So mean.
09:04So nice and so mean.
09:07All right.
09:07K-Trap, your thoughts on that battle.
09:09I literally could just listen to Crystal calling someone a bitch for fucking hours like that.
09:15I just want Crystal to walk around Montreal with me just fucking telling people off.
09:19That's awesome.
09:20But great job.
09:21Fucking kudos.
09:22All right.
09:23Sabrina, you seem to be enjoying that.
09:26Yeah, that was a pleasure to watch.
09:28You were both very funny.
09:29It was the battle of Trinidad and Tobago versus Tommy Bahamas.
09:34All right.
09:35Russell, your thoughts?
09:37I really enjoyed that too.
09:39This was like watching me talk back to a white girl in the 80s.
09:44And so it had all the rejection and all the acceptance all in one.
09:48So I loved it.
09:49All right.
09:49Okay.
09:50Well, it's time to pick a winner.
09:51You're both great.
09:52But K-Trap, who you got?
09:53I got to go with Crystal on this one.
09:55Just came out hard, strung together a lot more good punchlines.
09:59And yeah, shut the fuck up, bitch.
10:02It's hilarious.
10:03I want it on a t-shirt.
10:04That's one for Crystal.
10:06All right.
10:06Sabrina, who's your winner?
10:07All right.
10:08I'm going to make them both winners because I'm going to tell Rebecca, I feel like if you
10:11put your fingers in a pussy, it's going to feel like Mecca.
10:14And Crystal, you got my vote.
10:17Okay.
10:18That's two for Crystal.
10:19Russell.
10:20I don't want to seem like I'm brown nosing, but Crystal, you were as hard as Rebecca's
10:27cock was.
10:28So Crystal Ferrier is the winner.
10:32Crystal Ferrier is your winner, everybody.
10:34Let her hear it.
10:35Keep it going for both our roasters.
10:37See, they're great friends.
10:38They're great friends.
10:40All right.
10:40That's it for part one.
10:41But up next, we have a battle so raw, even K-Trev would send it back at a restaurant.
10:47More Roast Battle after this.
10:49Welcome back to Roast Battle Canada, the only show whose episodes legally qualify as snuff
11:10films.
11:10And now, let's make some noise for the woman who's always in the front row for this shit
11:16show.
11:16It's DJ Killa Jewel.
11:26Come on now.
11:27And now, let's get to the battle, everybody.
11:30It's Trana Wintour versus Sam Serraza.
11:33This is a queer-on-queer fight, so it's going to get ugly.
11:40You can expect some clawing, slapping, crying, shouting.
11:46Your face reminds me of a prolapsed asshole.
11:49You look like a dollar store Julia Roberts.
11:52If he spent less time sucking dick and focused more on comedy, maybe he'd have a chance to
11:57win tonight.
11:58You thought the hate comments on Instagram were bad?
12:01Just wait.
12:03Give it up for Trana Wintour!
12:17And Sam Serraza!
12:26Trana Wintour, Sam Serraza.
12:28Judges, we've got to size this one up.
12:30K-Trev, you first.
12:30I am super excited for this community theater production of Rent.
12:37This is going to be so great.
12:38These are two very funny comedians.
12:40Now, before we start, I just want to make sure I have my pronouns correct.
12:43Trana, you identify as she, her.
12:46Sam, you identify as he, him.
12:48And Ennis, you identify as ew, gross.
12:50Okay, we're ready to go.
12:51Okay, we're ready to go.
12:53All right, Sabrina.
12:55We've got a, uh, someone that goes by an alias versus someone that desperately needs an alias.
13:02Okay.
13:02Russell.
13:04Well, this isn't going to be gay at all.
13:06Um, this is good.
13:07And, uh, you know, Sam looks like he wanted to be a mechanic at some point, and now you get to work on a Trans Am.
13:13It should be fun, guys.
13:15All right, let's get this battle started.
13:17Trana, are you ready?
13:18I'm ready.
13:18You ready?
13:19Sam, are you ready?
13:20So ready.
13:20Oh, yeah.
13:21Audience, are you ready?
13:22Let's roast.
13:28Well, here we are.
13:30It is such an honor to share the stage with Trana, and it goes without saying that Trana has done a lot of work to be the woman that we all see before us tonight, and that woman is Janice the Muppet.
13:41No, I'm kidding.
13:48Trana is a puppet to no one, but she does enjoy a man's hand up her ass.
13:54It's true.
13:58You wouldn't know it by looking at Sam, but he's actually a very spiritual person.
14:04He lives his whole life by a simple three-word mantra.
14:08No loads refused.
14:11Um, listen, Trana, I was thinking this is probably the first time a lot of people have seen a trans woman on TV before, and I just want to speak on your behalf and say Trana does not represent the whole trans community.
14:25She is not a monolith, okay?
14:27Lots of trans women can afford a nose job.
14:34Like his hero, fellow Italian clown Lady Gaga,
14:37Sam also hides the fact that he comes from a rich family so that people will be more impressed by his success.
14:47The only problem is that even Sam's family can't afford to buy him a career.
14:52You know, as a Lady Gaga fan, I have to say, it is a shame you were born this way.
15:03Judas!
15:04Judas!
15:05Judas!
15:05You know, a lot of trans people, they use fashion as a way to express themselves and find their gender identity,
15:14and I'm so glad that Trana has found her gender identity tonight.
15:19Unattended toddler from a trailer park.
15:24You look like you're about to take a piss in the yard, Trana, okay?
15:29Sam has been fucked up the ass so many times.
15:32Sam is so gay, his dad gave Freddie Mercury AIDS.
15:45So, I heard that Sam keeps his shoes on during sex,
15:51which I thought was so weird until I learned that he has hideous bunions.
15:57He might have the body of a gay porn star,
16:01but he has the feet of an old Italian grandmother
16:04who used to walk 10 miles to get to school every day.
16:09Last joke!
16:11Listen, Trana is part of a community of people that has been endlessly harassed.
16:17A group of people that have been targeted
16:19and is unfortunately one of the most hated groups of people in the country,
16:23if not the world.
16:24French-Canadians.
16:35And I know this is political,
16:37but I think we need to get French-Canadians out of our bathrooms.
16:42And our children's sports.
16:45Would you trust a French person with your child?
16:48But I get it.
16:51Going to a public restroom must be hard for Trana.
16:54She could see her reflection in there.
16:58Believe it or not,
17:01Sam once had a girlfriend.
17:03And he even used to fuck her.
17:06But I don't know if it counts if she couldn't feel it.
17:09Sam's penis is so small,
17:13he's medically considered a woman.
17:17And he's the person that J.K. Rowling fears the most.
17:25Sam Scarrazza, Trana Wintour!
17:27Let him hear it, everybody!
17:30Fantastic!
17:32Excellent work.
17:33All right, K-Trip, how was that battle for you?
17:36That was a lot of fun to watch.
17:38It was great jokes back and forth.
17:40You guys went hard, you went deep.
17:42You went so hard and deep,
17:43I might need to start taking you go V by prep.
17:45Great.
17:46Sabrina.
17:47I loved watching the battle of trans Barbie versus gay Ken.
17:52I feel Trana really fucking killed.
17:54She fucked Sam so hard,
17:56I feel there's probably a hole inside the hole inside his hole.
18:00All right, Russell.
18:02I thought it was hilarious.
18:04Both of you are funny cocksuckers.
18:10All right.
18:11An applause break.
18:12An applause break.
18:13All right, judges, it's time to pick your winners.
18:15K-Trip, who you got?
18:16I had this one scored very close.
18:18It really came down to the line on this one in the last joke.
18:21And I have to say,
18:23Sam won me over with his French-Canadian rant at the end there,
18:26so I'm going with Sam on this one.
18:28That's one for Sam.
18:31Sabrina, you're a winner.
18:32Interesting, because I'm going with Trana Wintour.
18:38That's one for Trana.
18:39We got a tiebreaker.
18:40It's all down to you, Russell.
18:41Who is the winner?
18:42It was close until I found out about Sam's fucked up feet.
18:48I'm leaning towards Trana Wintour.
18:51Trana Wintour is the winner for that.
18:51Trana Wintour is your winner.
18:54Keep it going for both of our roasters.
18:56I'm going to get in there and hug their good friends.
19:00They're friends.
19:02We're going to take a quick break to do a land acknowledgement
19:04for this territory we're currently on,
19:06and a didn't land acknowledgement
19:08for all the jokes Sabrina told.
19:10Final judgments after this.
19:12Go fuck yourself.
19:13Congrats.
19:14Congrats.
19:14Fantastic.
19:23Welcome back.
19:29During the break, K-Trev auditioned to be the new Montreal Canadien mascot,
19:34but they told him he already looks too much like Yuppie.
19:38Okay, after all the utter depravity we've seen tonight,
19:41it's time for the final judgment, so let's go to the panel.
19:44K-Trev.
19:45Well, I've learned you're starting to run out of diabetes jokes about me
19:49and are making up shit about open fucking sores, wherever that came from.
19:53How would you like it if I just made up shit about you, Ennis?
19:56How would you like it if I said stuff like, oh, Ennis has been fucked in the ass so many times
20:01when he sneezes, his rectum prolapses.
20:05Oh, wait, wait, that's true.
20:07Let me make something up. Come back to me.
20:10All right, thanks, K-Trev.
20:11Sabrina, your final judgment?
20:13Shut the fuck up, bitch.
20:15That's my final judgment.
20:17It's fun.
20:18That's my final judgment.
20:19It's really fun.
20:20You shut the fuck up, bitch.
20:21It was so satisfying to see Crystal Farrier say that so much.
20:26I'm just going to walk around Montreal saying it.
20:28Shut up, bitch!
20:31All right, Russell, your final judgments.
20:33I thought this was a great episode, and we ended with a great dick measuring contest.
20:39I thought it was great.
20:39Nice.
20:40All right, let's keep it going for our winners tonight.
20:42All right, Trana Wintour, Crystal Farrier, and all our wonderful roasters.
20:53Well, that's all the time we have.
20:56I mean, it's been a great show with some amazing feats.
21:00Calm down, Russell.
21:01I said feats.
21:03Good night, Canada.
21:04And remember, if you're watching, you are part of the problem.
21:07Woo!
21:08Woo!
21:08Woo!
21:09Woo!
21:09Woo!
21:10Woo!
21:10Woo!
21:11Woo!
21:11Woo!
21:12Woo!
21:12Woo!
21:12Woo!
21:13Woo!
21:13Woo!
21:13Woo!
21:14Woo!
21:14Woo!
21:14Woo!
21:15Woo!
21:15Woo!
21:16Woo!
21:16Woo!
21:17Woo!
21:17Woo!
21:17Woo!
21:18Woo!
21:18Woo!
21:19Woo!
21:19Woo!
21:20Woo!
21:21Woo!
21:21Woo!
21:22Woo!
21:23Woo!
21:23Woo!
21:24Woo!
21:25Woo!
21:25Woo!
21:26Woo!
21:27Woo!
21:27Woo!
21:28Woo!
21:29Woo!
21:30Woo!
21:31Woo!
21:32Woo!
21:33Woo!
21:34Woo!
21:35Woo!
21:36Woo!
21:37Woo!
21:38Woo!
21:39Woo!
21:39Woo!
21:40Woo!
21:41Woo!
21:42Woo!
21:42Go, go, go!
Comments