- 2 days ago
A video uploaded by HaiLedaBear on (2015-03-30)
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00hi guys it's Lita so um this is that sorry about my uh empty room by the way this is uh that one
00:08video that i was telling you guys i would make about um my experience while i was offline as
00:15most of you know i do choose to be pretty open about um my past and my like just how i got
00:24through things and stuff just because i want to um help some of you go through the same or get
00:32through the same things um because i don't know sometimes sometimes you just feel like you have
00:38uh no direction or anything so um hopefully a video like this will help anyone who's going
00:45through a similar issue so basically what led me to um leave youtube in the first place is that i
00:53had had ongoing depression um that had gotten to severe depression for three years um in addition
01:00to anxiety i had gotten medication for the anxiety about um two years ago or a little over two years
01:06ago uh but i didn't think about depression as a factor uh and i just kind of wanted to take care
01:14of it for myself i wanted to be able to overcome it without the help of medication or a therapist
01:19or something so i was just kind of being really stubborn and didn't take it as seriously as i
01:25should have and it kind of crept up on me because i didn't even really realize that i was depressed
01:30um so what happened was um on just i think it was like august 27th or something that i deleted my
01:40channel and everything um on that day i had been told that there was like some really really really
01:47negative comments going on in my videos which um happened a lot but for some reason just that day
01:54i completely snapped like i literally just my psychological like well-being just kind of just
02:01crumbled um well i was at target actually and you know it was just like a huge episode of hysteria
02:09all of a sudden and so um my mom spent some time calming me down and then i came home and made the
02:17decision that i was going to delete all of my sites because i just needed to disappear it was like i
02:21couldn't handle it anymore i felt like it felt like literally everyone hated me because i know i know
02:27that's not the case at all um it's just that i had i really really desperately needed help and didn't
02:34get it so at this point um like almost like nine to five percent of my thoughts were completely irrational
02:42um so first lesson if you think that you do have depression please go get help for it because it can
02:47get really really really bad now um for the first like two days after deleting all my websites it was uh
02:56i felt a lot better my head was like pretty clear um but i still hadn't gotten help for like actual
03:04mental like illness psychological problems um but then after about two days is when
03:12things got a million times worse um basically i started having these like
03:18mild hallucinations almost you know like yeah it was it was like mild auditory and um visual hallucinations
03:27and i had no idea where they were coming from it was it was super it wasn't even like youtube related or
03:33anything it was just that like i would have these like horrible horrible like i can't even describe
03:41how horrible they were images of um like the people i love getting killed and like it was really really
03:47graphic and like or or me getting killed for some reason i was living that you know like every every
03:54single thing that i would think of i would live it like i would i wouldn't be able to tell if i was
04:00in my head or uh in reality um so it got really really bad um and that this was like a constant thing
04:10like it was just like constant hysteria and confusion like i was just completely delirious basically um and
04:21i found out the first time i went to my psychiatrist which was about a month maybe two weeks two weeks
04:30yeah it was about a month actually um after i deleted all of my sites um my psychiatrist said that such a
04:37huge change in my life which was leaving youtube um instead of doing me good it had actually sparked um
04:44some some like a mild case of ptsd uh at that point it was severe but um my antidepressants are also used
04:55to slightly treat uh ptsd patients i mean there's no like actual treatment for it but um it helps with
05:02the symptoms um so there was that and then there was also a depersonalization or derealization disorder
05:11um which is where you kind of just don't feel like you're real you don't feel like anything
05:15that's happening around you is real uh and that i go through like week-long periods where i feel like
05:22that i just kind of feel like a pair of eyes and then depression of course and anxiety uh
05:29the medication didn't really work for quite a while it started working i think after about a week
05:36um but i mean i mean that doesn't seem like a very long time but um for me it was a super long time
05:44a week was way way too long to wait um so uh i mean it started getting like
05:55a lot better um before i had started taking my medication i couldn't even leave the house like i
06:02didn't leave the house for like a whole month because i was afraid that i was gonna die it it
06:08like every single thing around me i thought was gonna kill me um and every morning when my mom would
06:14go to work i would start crying then too like hysterically because i thought that it was the
06:18last time i was ever gonna see her um because i thought that something was gonna kill her too and
06:23like there was there were points where um like we went to the grocery store together and she went in
06:28the grocery store and i just like completely lost it in the car because i decided to stay in the car
06:34um i completely lost it while she was in the grocery store because i thought that i i like was
06:39thoroughly convinced somehow that um there was a gunman in the grocery store and that i wasn't gonna
06:47see her again so basically it was just like i completely lost it so i mean it's a it's a really good
06:54thing that i left um even though it technically made things a little bit worse for a while but um i
07:04think i needed to go through that in order to come back um luckily now things are actually completely
07:12better well like not completely there's still like some remaining minor issues but you know like i can
07:18tell like what's what's what now and um i can focus and go out and do stuff in fact i actually get all
07:27like squirmy if i don't go out and do stuff so um yeah it's it's the thing is that um when i was
07:37going through all of this i really genuinely thought i would never ever get out and there was i've never
07:44really in my life except for one other time thought that i would be just better off dead but at the
07:50same time i was um i was really conflicted because i was afraid of death so i was like okay uh i feel
07:59like i shouldn't be alive but at the same time i am terrified of dying and so um it was like that was
08:08like constantly what was going through my head was just like i just want to disappear it was kind of just
08:13like living a nightmare um even though technically the things around me were fine um my conditions
08:19were fine it was just what was going on in my head that was just destroying me um which i mean that's
08:28what i'm telling this is uh so what i basically wanted to say um is in the end i had to make some
08:41minor life changes um and major life changes um and you know cut certain people out bring certain
08:50people back in um things like that uh and then i'm moving you know so um all of those things contributed
09:01to making me better um and like i said it's still like i have a still got a long like road ahead of
09:09me for this but um i'm at the point where i can completely control myself pretty much there are times
09:16when i get like some crazy anxiety and stuff but i can pretty much get myself out of it after a while
09:23um but basically if you're in a situation like that um if words even help because i know uh for me i
09:34don't think words could have helped i couldn't even help myself um and neither could anyone else
09:42at that time but um if you're going through a similar situation where you aren't sure whether you
09:50even want to be here or not um or if you can't tell who the hell you are or who the hell you know
09:57what's going on or anything like that basically if you're suffering from any mental illness just
10:03keep trying keep trying keep trying because um although there are a lot of mental illnesses that
10:09aren't curable um they are treatable so and it it's it does get easier to cope with the more that you
10:18uh the more that you try um and i just really really had to keep the belief in my head that's one
10:25thing that's one trick that i've used my entire life is just believe that it'll happen and it'll
10:31most likely happen you know you just have to be like very very very hooked on the the idea that it's
10:36gonna happen so i would always tell myself like i have to keep going you know there's there's something
10:43ahead of me so just keep in mind that you can do it um there's gonna be like countless times where
10:50you tell yourself that you can't um trust me that's all i would tell myself like that entire period of
10:55time was that i couldn't do it but there was just something like in the back of my head that was like
11:00come on you know you've always been able to do it like don't let this shit stop you so just tell
11:07yourself the same thing just be like i can beat this i gotta do it like i have to do it um and
11:14you'll be extremely proud of yourself afterwards honestly i mean like um i can't i can't believe that
11:20i made it through that and also another thing i wanted to mention is don't be ashamed to talk about
11:25things like this um like if like no matter if it's like a physical disability or like a mental
11:33disability or a mental illness or you know just some sort of ailment um it's i don't really think
11:40it's anything to be ashamed of it's just a part of who you are that's another thing that helped me
11:44cope with it was that i acknowledged um the depression and the ptsd and the anxiety and everything
11:51um i acknowledged it as a part of me but yeah so uh that's that's why i had to leave i was just really
11:58um not stable uh whatsoever um like i said if you feel like you might have something wrong with you
12:08go check it out because um a psychiatrist or a therapist can tell you um and it's good to get
12:13it taken care of before it's completely out of hand um believe me uh so anyway i'm i'm back and i'm
12:22glad to be back uh and i feel better than i have in years actually uh like i said i had ongoing
12:30depression and anxiety for over three years and now it's like i'm able to cope with it a little bit
12:38i'm still on medication and i still have like some treatment stuff to do um but you know i feel great
12:47and i haven't had this much fun or smiled this much or like been this carefree for a long time
12:57and i'm glad to be back so um i hope that that did help some of you guys because i know that a lot of
13:04you uh do have problems of this or like this of your own um actually i'm sure the majority of you do i
13:11mean like most everyone has their own issues whether they should or not so um if you are going
13:19through something tough that is similar to what i went through um then i really hope that this was
13:26able to uh give you an insight on how i beat it uh you just gotta really really really hang on there
13:34and uh kick its ass you know so all right well uh like i said i'm glad to be back i missed you guys
13:45more than anything like yeah i literally have tingles like in my boobs honestly honestly my boobs are
13:52tingling because i'm excited okay i love you guys and i will see you again soon okay i love you
14:01you're all my little special babies okay bye
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