Would I Lie to You - Season 19 Episode 02 Bob Mortimer Dianne Buswell Jamelia Mar
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00:00Good evening, welcome to Would I Like You,
00:27the show with barefaced lies and well-masked truths.
00:32On David Mitchell's team tonight, all the way from Match of the Day,
00:35it's Mark Chapman.
00:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:40And singer, actor, some kind of superstar, it's Jamelia.
00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:47And on Lee Mack's team tonight, winner of both a Glitter Ball and a BAFTA,
00:51it's Strictly's Diane Buswell.
00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:56And it's Mr Middlesbrough himself, Bob Mortimer.
01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:04We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:07where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:10To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:12they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:15It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:18Jamelia, you're first up tonight.
01:20Whenever somebody wrongs me, I get my own back in my very special way.
01:28LAUGHTER
01:30Wrong. Oh.
01:31Wrong like bad. Yeah.
01:33What kind of thing, first of all, would you consider as a wrong to you?
01:36Erm, to be honest, most of the people that I do this to are, like, exes.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:45Right, the big question, then, is... What is it?
01:46What is it you do? What is it you do?
01:48OK, so it's a computer game called The Sims 4.
01:51Love it!
01:53What, sorry? Sims.
01:54It's the best game. I've been playing it for years.
01:56I know about this. I know about The Sims.
01:58LAUGHTER
01:59Would you, then, for... for Grandpa there,
02:01would you... would you explain?
02:04So, it's like... it's a computer game.
02:06Oh, she's looking at Bob! He meant me!
02:08LAUGHTER
02:09I meant me, not Bob!
02:11APPLAUSE
02:13LAUGHTER
02:16That's my favourite Bob Mortimer moment, I would have liked him.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:20I play Sims 5.
02:22Oh, you play Sims 5? Yeah.
02:23Wow!
02:24So, basically, you build your perfect house and stuff.
02:27Right.
02:28And you have, like, a star above your head,
02:30and you can get pregnant, you can do all sorts.
02:33You can get pregnant from having a star above your head.
02:35You can get...
02:37That happens in the Bible.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:40Someone is a star, and a pregnancy, and...
02:44APPLAUSE
02:45APPLAUSE
02:47As Diane said, you can kind of build a world,
02:51so I create the person, and I make sure it looks like the person,
02:55and then...
02:55The ex?
02:56Yeah.
02:57And then what happens?
02:58You can create them a house, and, you know, and they get a job,
03:01and blah, blah, blah, but...
03:03Yeah.
03:04..I...
03:05Mine don't.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09I just make sure they suffer, so they don't...
03:12LAUGHTER
03:14What sort of things, then, would make their life terrible?
03:17Well, like, they don't apply for a job, and so they don't have money,
03:20and if they don't have money, then they can't really eat.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:23If they can't eat...
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25You know that this show...
03:27..that this gets broadcast.
03:28Yes.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:31What's the worst thing you've done to them?
03:33I'm not doing anything to them, it's just they...
03:35I think you are.
03:36They... No, they...
03:37LAUGHTER
03:38You're controlling whether he applies for a job.
03:40I... I control whether they even go to the toilet.
03:43Well, that's...
03:43So it's...
03:44You don't let them go to the toilet?
03:47It just depends how I feel on the day, like, you know,
03:50how much do I hate them that day?
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53But it's a good thing,
03:54cos I'm not doing these things in real life.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57Well, let me ask you a question.
03:59If you contacted your ex, said,
04:01how have you been, and they said,
04:03I've not been able to find a job,
04:04I am struggling to go to the toilet,
04:07to be honest, how would it make you feel?
04:10I already must sound like a psycho, but I'd be quite happy.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:15APPLAUSE
04:20Is it the kind of game where, if I go on and create a character,
04:24I can find you in that world?
04:25Not yet, but the next one, Sims 5, we're going to be able to do that.
04:29Now, is that what you play?
04:30Is this lying?
04:31LAUGHTER
04:33I played the original Sims with...
04:35When are you going to learn never to believe a thing in his home?
04:38LAUGHTER
04:39What do we think, Diane?
04:41I kind of want this to be a lie, but I feel like it's a truth.
04:47I'd like it to be true.
04:48Oh, right!
04:50Well, it is quite a nice way of coping with...
04:52LAUGHTER
04:54You don't think it's as good as just moving on?
04:56LAUGHTER
04:59So, you think truth, lie?
05:01Truth, yeah, truth.
05:02Yeah, come on, we'll say that's truth.
05:04Say, oh, my word. OK.
05:06Jamelia, was it true or was it a lie?
05:09Of course it is true.
05:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:16It's true.
05:17Jamelia does take revenge on those who wrong her.
05:21Diane, you're next.
05:23OK.
05:27Whenever I park my car,
05:29I always give it a kiss goodbye.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:33David's team.
05:35Why?
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37I mean, my car, it's really nothing special,
05:41but to me, it's very special.
05:43What model of car is it?
05:44So, it's a Mini Cooper.
05:46It has a sunroof.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:51What colour?
05:53Blue, but it was red.
05:55No, but that's a true story.
05:56Basically...
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58Now, I'm going to ask you a delicate question.
06:05Mm-hm.
06:05Where do you kiss it?
06:06It's actually the little ears, is what I call them.
06:09The wing mirrors?
06:10Yes.
06:11You bend over and kiss the wing mirror.
06:15At least it's not the exhaust pipe.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:20To say, like, you know, like, bird poo, or maybe, like, you know...
06:24A big splat of bird poo on a wing mirror, what would you do then?
06:27I think that's better luck. Good luck.
06:29Not for your health, it's not.
06:30Well, it actually is good for your immune system.
06:33That kind of thing.
06:34Atta... Atta...
06:35No, rubbish.
06:36It actually is.
06:37Please don't encourage children watching at home to eat bird poo.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Julia, what do you think?
06:43I think absolutely no chance is this true.
06:46My turning point was, like, saying that you're OK with kissing the bird poo,
06:49like...
06:50Actually, if you did know me, you would know that I would very much kiss bird poo.
06:54Right.
06:54Because I'm just that kind of girl.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58I'm not sure that someone who will kiss bird poo is a kind of girl.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:04It's funny, cos the phrase, I'm just that kind of girl,
07:07is usually preceded with,
07:08I like drinking tequila and dancing.
07:10I'm just that kind of... Exactly.
07:12Not very often, is it, I like kissing bird poo.
07:14I'm just that kind of girl.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:18I think it's true.
07:19You think it's true. You think it's true.
07:21And you think it's a lie.
07:22I think it's a lie.
07:23I mean, please.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:25Where does that leave me?
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28I've never seen you broken before you speak to Bob.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:31I just said he played The Sims 5, and that's...
07:36He's just toying with us.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:39He had no need, there was no card.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43He didn't need to start, the boxing had not begun,
07:46and yet he's already swung at me.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:50You think it's true?
07:51No, I'll go lie.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53Really?
07:54Yes.
07:55I'll go with my team and say lie.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58OK.
07:59They're saying it's a lie.
08:00Diane, was it a lie?
08:01Or was it true?
08:02It is...
08:04A lie!
08:06APPLAUSE
08:07Yes, it's a lie.
08:09Diane doesn't kiss her car goodbye.
08:12APPLAUSE
08:14Our next round is called This Is My,
08:16where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection
08:18to one of our panellists.
08:20This week, each of David's team will claim it's them
08:22that has the genuine connection to the guest.
08:24It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
08:26So, please welcome this week's special guest, Pam.
08:29APPLAUSE
08:31So, Mark, what is Pam to you?
08:33This is Pam.
08:34When I thought she might be having a heart attack,
08:36I ignored her because I didn't know her.
08:38I didn't know her.
08:39I didn't know her.
08:40I didn't know her.
08:41I didn't know her.
08:42I didn't know her.
08:43I didn't know her.
08:44I didn't know her.
08:45I didn't know her.
08:46I didn't know her.
08:47I didn't know her.
08:48I didn't know her.
08:49I ignored her because I was busy with golf.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Jamelia, how do you know Pam?
08:55So, this is Pam, and when I sang
08:58at the birth of a billionaire's baby, she delivered it.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:02And finally, David, what is your relationship with Pam?
09:05This is Pam, and I had to make it up to her
09:09after I unwittingly completed her crossword on a train.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14So, there we have it.
09:15Please, team, where will you begin?
09:17We'll start with Mark.
09:18Well, first of all, how do you know her?
09:20Er, we used to work together.
09:21Where?
09:22Er, on the radio.
09:24She was a producer and editor.
09:27So, you were playing golf?
09:29Er, no, I was working on the golf.
09:31The Open Golf at St Andrews.
09:34I'm a big golf fan.
09:35I'm a big golf fan.
09:36What year was this?
09:37Er, three years ago.
09:40Oh, OK.
09:41Who won the Open three years ago at St Andrews?
09:43Er, Cam Smith.
09:46I hate golf.
09:47I never watch it.
09:49LAUGHTER
09:50So, OK, talk us through what happens next.
09:53And by the 18th, and also the first,
09:58cos they're next to each other at St Andrews,
10:00and when you do the golf, you need someone to look after your coffee
10:04and give you little notes and stuff like that.
10:06Oh.
10:07That was what Pam was doing.
10:09No coffee, no golf.
10:10No coffee, no golf.
10:11That Bob Marley song.
10:12LAUGHTER
10:15Coming down the 18th is Tiger Woods.
10:17Yeah.
10:18And going the other way is Rory McIlroy.
10:20That allowed?
10:21I thought they all have to go the same way.
10:23No, they're going on different holes.
10:25Oh, that's safer.
10:26That's safer.
10:27So, I'm commentating on it,
10:30and I can see a figure on the floor next to me.
10:34I glance.
10:35It's Pam.
10:36And you're panicking cos you're thinking,
10:38she's spilt my coffee.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:42Pam is on her back and not moving.
10:44She's so professional, she's not...
10:46LAUGHTER
10:51And on the one hand, I'm thinking I could help her,
10:54but on the other, I'm thinking I'm commentating on Tiger Woods
10:57and Rory McIlroy crossing for the last time.
10:59Was anyone else helping Pam?
11:01No, because we were the only ones inside the ropes.
11:05Was she making any noises?
11:07Here's your coffee.
11:08LAUGHTER
11:13If she was, I couldn't hear her because I had my headphones on.
11:17She looked in distress.
11:18Well, she looked motionless.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21Well, she might have already died.
11:23She might have.
11:24In which case, there was nothing you could have done anyway.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27But you are on the radio.
11:29It's not television.
11:30Yeah.
11:31So, did you not feel you could at least sort of do both and go...
11:33What?
11:34Commentator and...
11:35Here we are.
11:36Tiger Woods.
11:37And Rory are crossing now.
11:39It's a dramatic moment.
11:40We need a sec.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42She didn't have a heart attack.
11:43No, but you thought she might have had...
11:45I'd just seen her fall back and lie on the floor.
11:47What had happened to her?
11:48Well, with your headphones, you wear a very large battery pack
11:52around your waist that's really heavy,
11:54and Pam had bent down to pick my coffee up to hand it to me,
11:59and the weight of the battery pack had sent her tumbling backwards
12:03and she couldn't get up off the floor.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07When did you realise she was OK?
12:09Once Tiger had gone past, I looked and she was laughing.
12:13OK.
12:14And did you laugh politely and then go,
12:16Seriously, though, the coffee?
12:18No!
12:20I laughed and was very relieved.
12:22It's disappointing, Mark.
12:23LAUGHTER
12:26Do you still work together?
12:28No, Pam left the BBC about six months after.
12:31What a surprise.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33From the work of Costa.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:38Who would you like to quiz next, Lee?
12:40Let's quiz Jamelia.
12:42Remind us of how you know Pam.
12:44So, I was performing at the birth of a billionaire's baby,
12:49and Pam delivered the baby.
12:51Where was this?
12:52So, the house was in Holland Park.
12:55It was a home birth.
12:56And you were booked or you were a friend?
12:58Basically, they booked me for a two-week block.
13:01Wow.
13:02I couldn't work.
13:03I mean, they paid me handsomely, so it was fine.
13:05Are you willing to say how much?
13:06No way.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:09And then, the week where the birth, we knew it was going to happen,
13:14I had to actually stay in the house.
13:16I wasn't, like, locked up.
13:17I was a guest.
13:18It was lovely.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20Until you just said that, no-one thought you were locked up.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23Now I'm wondering, were you locked up?
13:25LAUGHTER
13:26So, is there a band there, or are you singing a cappella?
13:29So, a guitar player came in.
13:31So, the guitar player was basically on call,
13:33because he lived, like, in Shepherd's Bush.
13:35Right.
13:36And the birth was in Holland Park,
13:37and they're not too far from each other,
13:39because I was from Birmingham.
13:40I stayed.
13:41Hang on.
13:42He's a billionaire.
13:43Yeah.
13:44He couldn't just get you a flat round the corner or a hotel?
13:46His house was huge.
13:47Like, I...
13:48Why did the guitar player come and stay then?
13:50I was, like, famous at the time.
13:52So, you know, he probably didn't want just a random guitar player.
13:55I think it was, you know...
13:57No!
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00I'll tell you what, Mark, you're not the most heartless person.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:08Did you actually perform during the birth itself?
14:11Yes.
14:12What did you think?
14:13Literally, I sang, like, more of my mellow songs.
14:15Oh, so all your own stuff?
14:17No, all my own.
14:18I did some covers as well.
14:19Pam helps deliver the baby.
14:21Pam was the midwife.
14:22Ah, OK.
14:23Does she get to stay in the house?
14:25Yeah, she... Yeah, cos...
14:26This guitar player's very low-rent, isn't it?
14:28LAUGHTER
14:29No disrespect to Pam, but Pam is not famous.
14:32Why are the rules different for Pam
14:34than the guitar player that's not famous?
14:35She's a midwife, she's delivering the baby.
14:37She's not famous, though, is she?
14:38No, but she's more important to the whole thing than the guitarist.
14:42Are there no midwives that can play guitar?
14:44LAUGHTER
14:46LAUGHTER
14:49APPLAUSE
14:52Now, what about David, then?
14:54OK.
14:55David, remind us.
14:56Yeah.
14:57Well, I had to make it up to Pam
14:59when I unwittingly completed her crossword on a train.
15:02You got the last one?
15:04I got the last few.
15:05What crossword was it?
15:07It was the cryptic one in the telegraph.
15:09Talk us through it.
15:10Well, I got on the train.
15:12Oh, not the whole story, just the bit that counts.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:15Fine.
15:16I was born...
15:17LAUGHTER
15:18Er, no, I...
15:19Who was playing?
15:20I'm going to go Nigel Kennedy.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:23So, I sat in my seat, and there was what looked to me like an abandoned newspaper.
15:32Now, are you on a two-seater or a four-seater?
15:34A four-seater.
15:35Four-seater.
15:36Are you on your own?
15:37I am.
15:38But there's a newspaper there.
15:39On the table.
15:40Yeah.
15:41Apparently no-one sitting there.
15:42No evidence that Pam even exists at this point.
15:45No pen.
15:46No pen.
15:47I had to use my own pen.
15:48Wow.
15:49I mean, I don't know where Pam is, but in a minute I'm going to say,
15:51she took a pen to the toilet.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54She might have done.
15:56Yeah.
15:57Erm...
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59I never checked.
16:00When she came and sat down, I did not go,
16:03have you been turned away?
16:05LAUGHTER
16:07When you sat down, was it literally in front of you there?
16:10Eh...
16:11When you went, eh, you sound like the impression he does of you.
16:14LAUGHTER
16:16It's a first.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:20I said, it's certainly not presented in front of me like a sort of table mat.
16:24But it was closest to the seat you were sat in?
16:26Eh...
16:27There was no-one else sitting around this...
16:29OK.
16:30Eh...
16:31There was no-one else sitting around the table.
16:33I can't enjoy it.
16:34I suppose.
16:35Do I do that?
16:36LAUGHTER
16:37Right, so she sits down.
16:39Yes.
16:40Took the newspaper back from you, did she?
16:42No, well, I sort of put it towards her.
16:44And then she says,
16:45Oh, you've finished the crossword.
16:47And I went,
16:48Oh, yes, I'm terribly sorry.
16:50And she was...
16:51Oh, no...
16:52This is the most middle-class dust-up I've ever heard!
16:54LAUGHTER
16:55Go on.
16:56No, well, she was really nice about it.
16:57And I said, I'm sorry.
16:58And she said, that's fine.
16:59And it was, you know, fine but awkward.
17:01Where'd she been?
17:02Where'd she been?
17:03I don't know, I didn't ask.
17:04Well, we know where she's been, don't we?
17:05There's a certain...
17:06If she's not got tea or a Kit-Kat with her,
17:08she's been to the loo.
17:09Do you think of any other place she could have been?
17:11Well, she could have been solving a murder that happened in the restaurant car.
17:16And how did you make it up to her?
17:18Soon afterwards, I went up to the buffet car to buy a tea,
17:23and I thought, I'll buy her a newspaper if they've got one there.
17:27And they've got an array of newspapers at those?
17:29No.
17:30They weren't selling newspapers in the buffet car.
17:33But you thought they would?
17:34Yeah.
17:35Did you get anything for her?
17:36I got myself a tea and I got her a twirl.
17:39And what did she say when you gave her a twirl?
17:43She said, I've got type 2 diabetes.
17:50And you said, was that four across?
17:59Right, we need an answer.
18:00So, is Pam Mark's forsaken friend, Jamelia's birth buddy,
18:05or David's puzzled pal?
18:07First of all, what do we think of Mark?
18:09Does he look like the kind of man that would leave a woman
18:12on the floor, possibly having had a heart attack,
18:16because he wants to carry on his own selfish career?
18:19I feel like he does a bit.
18:22But...
18:25What are you thinking, Bob?
18:27I'm most interested in Pam.
18:29I think the glasses say media.
18:35Ah.
18:36But the necklace says hospital.
18:38Yes!
18:39Well, you know all the chapter lines.
18:42Oh, I love your necklace, love.
18:44It says to me, hospital.
18:45It's so tiny!
18:46So, are you saying, Bob, that you think Pam produces casualty?
18:56LAUGHTER
18:59I believe Jamelia.
19:01You believe Jamelia?
19:02Jamelia's story was told beautifully.
19:04It sounded very authentic.
19:06Diane, what did you think of Jamelia's story?
19:08I thought Jamelia's story was very realistic.
19:12Well, in a non-realistic way.
19:14LAUGHTER
19:16Do you not think it's Jamelia?
19:17I don't think it's Jamelia.
19:18I don't think it's Jamelia.
19:19More about the accommodation than anything.
19:20Yeah, true.
19:21I'm a billionaire.
19:22I've got 100 rooms.
19:23Guitar player's not staying.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26If I lived in Shepherd's Bush, yeah, I'd rather stay at home.
19:30So, what I'm saying is that I got on a train...
19:34LAUGHTER
19:35..and a newspaper had been left on the table
19:38and it subsequently turned out that its owner was still on the train.
19:42Now, in your world of disbelieving a guitarist coming from Shepherd's Bush
19:46does not my story shine with truth?
19:49LAUGHTER
19:55Lee, it's time for education.
19:57Are we going to go with Jamelia, team?
19:59Come on, Jamelia.
20:00Go with Jamelia.
20:01You're going with Jamelia.
20:02OK.
20:03Pam, would you please reveal your true identity?
20:07I'm Pam, and Mark Chapman ignored me when I fell at the goal.
20:11APPLAUSE
20:12Yes, Pam is Mark's forsaken friend. Thank you very much, Pam.
20:16APPLAUSE
20:17Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lives, and we start with...
20:31It's Bob.
20:32I once helped a famous footballer with his cheese selection.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:40Where was the cheese?
20:42What was the cheese?
20:43I don't remember any of this.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:47No, I don't.
20:49It's a very fleeting memory.
20:51Do you know, like, if you dig up a weed and put it in the wheelbarrow?
20:55Very quickly forgotten, that weed.
20:58You see the games he plays?
21:00What?!
21:01A conversation with a ticket inspector.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:05LAUGHTER
21:06I don't remember it.
21:07That well?
21:08LAUGHTER
21:10And you're buying cheese with Ronaldo.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14Who was the footballer?
21:15It was the famous one.
21:17LAUGHTER
21:19Which famous one?
21:21He played for the big club.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:24Where are you from, Mark?
21:28Manchester.
21:29Manchester player.
21:30Right, which one?
21:32Edin Dzeko.
21:33Right, OK.
21:34When was this?
21:36It was...
21:37about ten years ago.
21:39Is that still how we measure the passage of time?
21:43LAUGHTER
21:45Edin Dzeko, was he playing ten years ago?
21:47Yeah, he was a striker for Manchester City.
21:50What was the circumstance, Bob?
21:52Where were you?
21:53Manchester.
21:54Oh, you were in Manchester?
21:55I was in Manchester, yeah.
21:56I was there for a meeting, with some old friends of mine.
21:59Um...
22:01LAUGHTER
22:03Tony Holdall...
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06...and Gerry Havisack.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:09They had a little double act together called the Carrier Bags.
22:12LAUGHTER
22:14Tony, very small man.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18On Cowboys High had the nickname Shetland Tony.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:23And I was too early for the meeting.
22:25Right.
22:26So I thought, I'll go to the nice supermarket and get some car cheese.
22:29Car cheese?
22:30Cheese to eat in the car.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:33Car cheese?
22:34Is that a thing?
22:35Do you not like a bit of cheese in the vehicle?
22:37LAUGHTER
22:38LAUGHTER
22:39It's such a nice shop.
22:40In Manchester, Booz.
22:41The Waitrose of the North.
22:42Ah.
22:43Yeah.
22:44And they have a cheese counter, Jameleon, a man.
22:47He's such a small man.
22:48Yeah, yeah.
22:49That...
22:50LAUGHTER
22:51That he...
22:53He'd written on his, er, palm.
22:55It said, hi, on one palm.
22:57And then it said, cheese, question mark.
23:00LAUGHTER
23:01So, anyway, yeah.
23:03But, er...
23:04So...
23:05That was mine, some cheese cheese in my car.
23:07Which Shetland Tony have towered over this guy.
23:10It's like, well, it might have been his dad.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:14I don't remember the cheese man.
23:16OK.
23:18What about Eddie Jekyll?
23:19Eddie Jekyll.
23:20When did he appear?
23:21Eddin.
23:22Eddin.
23:23Eddin.
23:24Eddin.
23:25Eddin.
23:26Eddin the ball.
23:27Right.
23:28Snirk.
23:29Kick.
23:30Head.
23:31So, I saw him, and I was very excited,
23:34and I wanted to send a picture of him to me sons.
23:37So, I followed him around, and he's concentrating on, like,
23:40you know, the airy foods, you know, like, Rice Krispies,
23:43crumpets, cheese puffs.
23:44LAUGHTER
23:45In the shop, you're following through a section
23:48where the food is grouped sort of according to the aesthetic
23:51of its structure.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54No, I just noticed that he was ferreting around
23:56for that type category of food.
23:58Oh, in every area.
23:59In the chocolate area, it's arrow.
24:01The cheese area, it's Swiss cheese.
24:03The cake area, it's the sponge.
24:05So, this guy you analyse wants food with holes in it.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10Exactly.
24:11Because I did stand next to him very closely,
24:13and he picked up some luncheon meat,
24:15and he said, erm...
24:17Fartal dance.
24:19LAUGHTER
24:20He said, what?
24:21He said, fartal dance.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:24To who?
24:25He was just talking to himself!
24:27To the luncheon meat!
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29He's from Bosnia!
24:32So, he was talking to himself in English, though,
24:35not in his native language.
24:37Is he Bosnian?
24:38He is Bosnian, yeah.
24:39He's Bosnian, but flew it in five languages.
24:42Yeah, but still, his most natural language
24:44for him to talk to himself in wouldn't be English, would it?
24:47See, German used to be the language for engineering,
24:52science, way back.
24:53Yeah.
24:54And English was always the language of research.
24:59And he was researching the food.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02And so...
25:04Fartal dance.
25:05Fartal dance.
25:06Fartal.
25:07Anyway, John.
25:08Had it been like a new species of flower,
25:10he'd have spoken in Latin.
25:11LAUGHTER
25:13So, what happened next?
25:15I arrived at the cheese counter and I ordered some Red Leicester.
25:19Jacko appeared and he asked me what cheese I'd bought
25:22and would I recommend it.
25:23I said to him it was Red Leicester.
25:25Yes.
25:26And he asked the man if he could try a bit of the Red Leicester.
25:30The man put up his hands.
25:31Yeah, sure.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33He didn't.
25:35Yeah.
25:36The man gave him a bit of Red Leicester
25:38and he looked at me and he said something in the area of...
25:42What?
25:43What?
25:44Krashinopse.
25:45You've learnt now that he spoke to himself in his own language.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:50So I looked at her afterwards and it actually meant whoops-a-daisy.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54He didn't like it.
25:55He didn't like it.
25:56He said whoops-a-daisy.
25:57Whoops-a-daisy.
25:58Whoops-a-daisy.
25:59I've put something disgusting in my mouth.
26:00Yeah.
26:01You know, as it were, ooh, whoops-a-daisy.
26:03LAUGHTER
26:04Jamelia, what are you thinking?
26:07I just think there's too many holes in the story.
26:09I just...
26:10LAUGHTER
26:15APPLAUSE
26:16I loved it.
26:17Well, it's...
26:18Yeah, there's just no chance that it's true.
26:20Or...
26:21Or...
26:22I'm going to stop you there.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:25One thing I will promise you is that it might be true.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30It's definitely he's referring to a shop he knows...
26:34Yes.
26:35..where cheese could plausibly be bought...
26:37Yes.
26:38..and he's selected a footballer who lives in that city.
26:41OK.
26:42There's plausibility there.
26:43But on the other hand, he's surrounded that core of plausibility
26:46with a lot of nonsense...
26:48LAUGHTER
26:49..and...
26:50Maybe that's just decoration around...
26:54..around what is the thing he's decorating.
26:56Oh, so you think it's like...
26:57..true or false.
26:58That's actually quite a good tactic, isn't it?
27:00LAUGHTER
27:05OK.
27:06What do you think?
27:07Oh, brilliant.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:11I'm...
27:12I'm...
27:18Why do you think it's a laugh?
27:19Because you...
27:20Because he's not making eye contact with us.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:24I think it might be true.
27:26Oh...
27:28And the bit I found most plausible...
27:30..but then, of course...
27:32LAUGHTER
27:34David, it is now time to decide.
27:36True.
27:37True?
27:38A lie!
27:39Come on!
27:40True. We're going true.
27:41One true, one lie.
27:42We're going true.
27:43OK.
27:44There we go.
27:45And it'll be over soon.
27:46LAUGHTER
27:47The same is true.
27:48OK.
27:49Was it true?
27:50Or was it a lie?
27:51I was telling...
27:53..the truth.
27:54APPLAUSE
27:55It's true.
27:58Bob did help a famous footballer choose cheese.
28:02Oh, that noise signals time is up.
28:03It's the end of the show.
28:04I can reveal that David's team has won by three points to one.
28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:06Thanks for watching.
28:07We'll see you next time.
28:08Good night.
28:09Good night.
28:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:11APPLAUSE
28:12I can reveal that David's team has won by three points to one.
28:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:17Thanks for watching.
28:18We'll see you next time.
28:19Good night.
28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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