Ugliest House in America - Season 7 Episode 03 The Ugliest of the Ozark
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Show open, take one.
00:04In a world where shiplap means serenity
00:08and subway tiles sparkle with timeless taste.
00:11Yeah, this isn't that world.
00:14Whoa!
00:15One woman will stop at nothing.
00:18Hurry.
00:20Hey, that's me.
00:21To track down the ugliest houses across America.
00:25Who goes there?
00:26Oh!
00:28She'll journey farther than ever before.
00:32You mean like North Dakota?
00:33Yes, North Dakota.
00:36They thought no one would ever find them.
00:38Do you cry a lot?
00:40I do.
00:42But they were wrong.
00:47So far, she's conquered the worst of the Great Plains.
00:51This place is mayhem.
00:54The most shocking in the Midwest.
00:57One person's trash is another person's art.
01:01And now, she'll take on the Ozarks.
01:04And the Ugly will have nowhere to hide.
01:08No!
01:09I'm getting too old for this s**t.
01:11This show has been rated H for hideous.
01:13Viewer discretion is highly advised.
01:15The journey to boldly find ugly where no ugly has been found before puts me en route to the Ozarks, a mountainous region usually known for its beauty.
01:29But before I venture deep into these uncharted lands, I'm stopping at a city perched on its northern border, St. Louis, Missouri.
01:38I find myself at the gateway to the west, St. Louis, Missouri, home of the iconic arch, stunning brick homes, and fun fact, birthplace of the ice cream cone.
01:51Right now, I'm here to meet Colleen and Craig and find out if their house is indeed serving up a full scoop of ugly.
01:58Yeah, you're going to have to come better than that, because this is cute.
02:05Hi!
02:06Hi!
02:07Welcome!
02:08Colleen!
02:09Yeah!
02:10And Craig is working for us.
02:11Hi, Craig!
02:12Should we come inside?
02:13Absolutely!
02:14Welcome to St. Louis!
02:15I am Colleen.
02:16This is my husband, Craig, and we live in St. Louis, Missouri.
02:20In 1970, James King and a group of other people got together to take a neighborhood that was virtually derelict, and they had a vision for resuscitating, reviving, if you like.
02:36And he created something quite magical, I suppose, but, man, it really is ugly.
02:43The color choices, the material choices.
02:46Every room has a massive hole in the floor.
02:50My name is Sebastian.
02:51I am the son of Colleen and Craig.
02:53I love my parents to bits.
02:54I think they saw the potential that the house has.
02:57I am yet to see the potential.
02:59We can't explain anything about the house to our friends.
03:02They wander around, and they say, wow.
03:05Wow.
03:06Whoa!
03:07No!
03:12The vestibule.
03:16That's kind.
03:17I feel like I'm a court jester.
03:30Oh, my goodness, I did not realize.
03:34I thought this was a mirror.
03:36Oh, towards you.
03:37It's a magic mirror.
03:38You can go in.
03:39So there's a pit.
03:40There's a pit.
03:41Uh-huh.
03:42You step down, you sit, you lounge, like, do your thing, like a teenager, baby.
03:48This would be me trying to get down there.
03:50There we go.
03:51Reversing.
03:52There you go.
03:53Oh, look at that.
03:54Yeah.
03:55It's real high.
03:56It is real high, actually.
03:58Conversation pit.
03:59No windows.
04:01Go sit in the hole...
04:05...to do what?
04:08Let's hit up the rest of the house.
04:09We're right behind you.
04:14What is...
04:15What was this place?
04:19We think it was some sort of bohemian lounge dining room.
04:24Like, this is just a piece of artwork.
04:27I don't know if you...
04:28Sort of a low table.
04:29It's not functioning.
04:30Bloody big hole in the ground.
04:31Yeah.
04:32Yeah.
04:33I don't understand the purpose of that coffee table.
04:38If you have to move through a living room like this, there's no living to be had.
04:43It's a scooch room.
04:44Are those considered steps?
04:47They are.
04:48Go and have a look.
04:55Yeah.
04:55What on earth?
04:59Was this a bathhouse?
05:02Probably.
05:03It's as ugly as hell, but it's pretty cool.
05:06I'm going back down.
05:09Try the next room.
05:10All right.
05:11We're going to head that way.
05:12Okay.
05:15Oh, for Christ's sake.
05:21What is this counter?
05:23Copper that continues to oxidize even when you're not looking at it.
05:25I can smell it.
05:26Yeah.
05:27And then this is the third room that you've seen and each one's got a hole in the floor.
05:32This would make me crazy.
05:33I'm sorry.
05:35What?
05:35We have taken down thousands of dingle dangle birds all over the house.
05:41Every corner you've got these testicles.
05:45No storage space.
05:46But you've got dingle dangles.
05:47We've got dingle dangles.
05:49Dingle dangle.
05:50Where are we headed to next?
05:56Should we go upstairs?
05:57Sure.
06:00This is so aggressive.
06:03It was like, you know what?
06:03I'm not doing a railing.
06:04I'm doing the moon.
06:06Yes.
06:07Oh, geez.
06:08Okay, so this is the studio at the top of the structure and we've got another hole you can
06:18tear down.
06:20This makes me nervous.
06:22Hello, hello, hello, hello.
06:24This right here is a part of the house.
06:27He didn't do this.
06:28He did.
06:29He did this.
06:30Wow.
06:30Okay.
06:31Okay.
06:31Are you ready for the next?
06:32I'm very angry about this.
06:35I want floor in here.
06:37Where next?
06:38I think we're going down to the bathroom.
06:40Dun, dun, dun.
06:41Let's see.
06:43This is the bathroom.
06:45This has got to be the world's ugliest bathroom.
06:47Yeah.
06:47It's not pretty.
06:48And here's the thing.
06:49For all the mirrors in this place, that's the mirror you have over the sink.
06:54But you can peek down there.
06:56There's the kitchen.
06:57So when I'm in the bathroom, I'm like, yo, can you put the kettle on?
07:02This house is crazy.
07:04But it is the reason you are one of three semifinalists in the Ozark reason.
07:09If you make it to the final round, you'll be
07:12that much closer to a renovation by Alice in Victoria.
07:16Amazing.
07:17I am going to wish you luck.
07:19Thanks for showing me your house.
07:20Absolutely.
07:24So this was the pitful dingle-dangle row house.
07:30Appearance-wise, it is very cramped.
07:33It looks like everything was handmade for a child's tree house.
07:38The awkward factor, all the dangling things.
07:42What purpose do these things serve?
07:45None.
07:47None.
07:47To surprise, there's a hole in every floor.
07:52Unnecessary.
07:54The Ozarks.
07:55Oh boy.
07:58Next, my journey is taking me 300 miles south, deep in the Ozark backwoods, to a town called Circe, Arkansas.
08:06I'm here to meet Andrea and Terry, to find out if they have the ugliest house in America.
08:19Interesting that there are two houses.
08:25Hey, Radim.
08:26We're here.
08:26Hi.
08:27Welcome to our home.
08:29Andrea and Terry, how are you?
08:31Great, how are you?
08:32Nice to meet you.
08:33Nice to meet you.
08:34You have a very fancy log cabin.
08:39I see the diamond scene all along.
08:41Everywhere.
08:42Yeah.
08:43We're on Diamond Lane.
08:47How big is the property?
08:4830 acres.
08:49What the heck are you doing with 30 acres?
08:51We have many donkeys and many horses and alpacas.
08:56Oh.
08:57We even have a couple of zebras.
08:59Stop.
09:03She looks like a dog dressed up for Amelie.
09:05Come here, Abigail.
09:07Oh, she juked.
09:12Well, let's check out inside.
09:21Welcome to our home.
09:24These are all stuffed.
09:26What on earth?
09:27And they're in a boat.
09:29She wanted a boat with animals in it.
09:31In a boat.
09:34Live, laugh, love.
09:36Not for the animals.
09:47You're a hunter?
09:47We both are.
09:48You both are.
09:49Mm-hmm.
09:49Hi, I'm Andrea.
09:51This is my husband, Terry.
09:53We live in Searcy, Arkansas,
09:54and the most unique house you've ever seen.
09:57But things that were really important to me in a house,
10:01this doesn't have.
10:03We don't have any counter space.
10:05We don't have any cabinets.
10:06We don't have any closet space.
10:08Bathroom's tiny.
10:10And, you know, since I was a kid, always dreamed of owning a log cabin.
10:14Now we just need some help fixing the things we don't like about it.
10:19Wow.
10:20The mirrors in the skylight.
10:22Oh, the mirrors in the ceiling.
10:24Oh, the mirrors in the floor.
10:26Yeah, he said when I asked him about the mirrors, he said, check for ticks.
10:32That's what he used it for?
10:33That's what he said.
10:34So he's like, making sure there's no ticks on the privates.
10:39Very much so.
10:40I mean, I guess you're dropping trial as soon as you walk back in.
10:45Makes sense, I guess.
10:47So let's go look over here.
10:51Wowzers.
10:53This looks like something out of Game of Thrones.
10:55Diamonds, still.
10:59Everywhere.
11:05Come see the kitchen.
11:07Ah, yes.
11:08So it's not a real functional kitchen.
11:11Because it's such a big space, you'd think you have at least storage.
11:14I have nowhere to put anything.
11:15Yeah, you don't.
11:16There's not any cabinet space.
11:20Deer antlers.
11:21Deer antlers.
11:22Deer antlers.
11:24What room are we checking out next?
11:26Come see our bedroom.
11:28And with the Elvis door.
11:29Let's check out the Elvis door.
11:33So.
11:34Much.
11:35What?
11:39What?
11:40I'm sorry.
11:45No, you guys.
11:48No.
11:53It seems dangerous.
11:55Yeah, it's dangerous.
11:56It's dangerous when it's wet, too.
11:58This is the most stressful bathroom I've seen.
12:01It is.
12:01It is dangerous.
12:02Imagine I have risked life and limb to dodge a bear or two.
12:11And now I'm going to come and slip in this glass floor shower.
12:14Shhh.
12:18Upstairs.
12:19Go upstairs.
12:22Look at this staircase.
12:24Oh my god.
12:25Whoa.
12:26Oh my god.
12:29A little platform.
12:30You can go out on that.
12:32I'm not.
12:33It's so thin, like the first step.
12:35You should hear it creak when you walk across it.
12:37Mm-mm.
12:40I know you live here, but I'm nervous for you.
12:42I'm nervous every time I have to walk out there.
12:44Plant life.
12:45Strictly on the first floor.
12:49Okay, so there's bedrooms up here.
12:50Mm-hmm.
12:53Look at this bed.
12:54He built that bed, too.
12:55You see the trees in it?
12:57I do.
12:58He was branching out.
12:59Mm-hmm.
13:00Get it?
13:00Branching.
13:01We have drawers in the wall.
13:04Yeah, you can.
13:05Yeah.
13:10I would be so annoyed every day trying to get trapped.
13:15It really is.
13:16We need tracks.
13:17What was he thinking?
13:18Like he didn't have enough work.
13:20Dad, can I get tracks?
13:25So you are one of three semifinalists in the Ozarks region.
13:30So I'm going to wish you luck.
13:32Thank you for showing me your home.
13:34And I'm going to say a quick prayer before I walk down the steps.
13:40So that was the Wild Game of Thrones.
13:45Parents, where do you start?
13:47With the elk, the coyotes, the foxes?
13:50It looks like a wildlife preserve.
13:52Only scarier because they're all posed awkward.
13:56I think it's obvious.
13:58The shower, death trap.
14:00The surprise.
14:01It's a stuffed bird in there being caught by a cat.
14:06I hope I sleep tonight.
14:09I really do.
14:13The Ozarks continue to wow me.
14:16And in the interest of leaving no ugly stone unturned, I'm headed back to Missouri to a city called Frontenac.
14:25Missouri is known as the show me state. Why?
14:28I don't know.
14:29But we did check the internet.
14:32And they say it's probably because Missourians have a reputation for skepticism.
14:38I'm here to meet Sheila and Scott, who think they have the ugliest house in America.
14:43So in the spirit of Missouri, I'm going to need them to show me.
14:54I'm going to have to see the inside because it's cute.
15:04Hi.
15:05Hi.
15:05Hi.
15:07Come on out.
15:08Hey.
15:08Thank you for coming.
15:09Hey, nice to meet you.
15:10Nice to meet you.
15:10Scott, Sheila, Sheila, Scott.
15:12You're going to have to come stronger than this.
15:15You want to go in?
15:16Let's check it out.
15:20Oh, we're upstairs.
15:23It's subterranean.
15:24So all the living space is downstairs and the bedrooms are upstairs.
15:28It's a lot of dark wood.
15:29Yes.
15:30The humidity level is so high, it's starting to drip water on us.
15:35And you can see where, oh, there's a drip right there.
15:38Really?
15:38And yes.
15:39Yeah.
15:39So it's staining our carpets and furniture.
15:43If that house drips on this dress.
15:56Hi, I'm Scott.
15:57This is my incredible wife, Sheila.
15:58Our house is considered a mid-century modern Swiss chalet subterranean museum.
16:04I walked in and I fell in love with it in 45 seconds, but my very supportive wife definitely
16:12didn't like it in the beginning or maybe now.
16:14It's so dark in the house and we have weird statues and paintings all over the house.
16:23It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I feel like I'm always being watched.
16:28It's just a no.
16:30The house was actually built for parties.
16:32The doors that she's seeing, the doors, they kill her too.
16:38It literally looks like she's yelling, like she's terrified.
16:43It is real obvious what side of the fence they stand on.
16:49Scott, Sheila, hell no.
16:54The bedroom.
16:56Oh, look at that.
16:58It's a lot.
17:03It's very ornate.
17:06And a lot of people looking at us.
17:08They're everywhere.
17:09So, the original owner, she had all these really expensive gowns and there's actually
17:15a panic alarm button in here in case someone would try to steal her gowns.
17:20For her dresses.
17:23I get it.
17:24This is our bathroom.
17:25Okay.
17:28Wow.
17:30Wow, this is something.
17:32Yeah.
17:34Are they fish, gargoyles?
17:36They look like duck mermen.
17:40And there's carpeting.
17:43Yes, it's disgusting.
17:45I think we should go downstairs to the living area.
17:51Whoa.
17:54It's sexy.
17:55So, this room was actually a theater room.
17:59This is only half the room.
18:00Oh.
18:01What happened was the second owners decided they needed a garage.
18:05So, you can see above the car.
18:07Oh, there it is.
18:07That's where the movie screen used to be.
18:09Rude.
18:10So, but you have to love the doors, too.
18:13Or maybe not.
18:16It's just, it's bad.
18:17It's, it's really bad.
18:18It's not that bad.
18:20It just needs to be preserved and loved.
18:22What?
18:23It's Team Sheila from here on out.
18:26I'm going to wish you good luck.
18:27And I'm going to get out of here and try to avoid getting sweat on by your house.
18:33So, thanks guys.
18:35Well, thank you.
18:36We appreciate you.
18:37Have a good one.
18:38You too.
18:38I bet that's the first time you saw a sweating chalet, because that's what that was.
18:48It looks like a chalet in some rooms.
18:53It looks like a Victorian manner in others.
18:57It's a mish-mash.
19:00The awkward thing about it is that it sweats.
19:03You walk in and you get sweat on.
19:05The surprise, not the worst thing you can have, an alarm for your dresses.
19:11I mean, you know, if you got loot and you got expensive dresses, get you an alarm.
19:18I gotta say, the Ozarks is confusing.
19:21Color me baffled.
19:23And so, my epic journey through the Ozarks comes to its hideous conclusion with three uniquely ugly
19:30houses, but only one can move on for a chance at a home renovation with Alice in Victoria.
19:35Which one will it be?
19:39Ozarks region, you showed me a new kind of ugly, the likes of which I'll never forget,
19:45no matter how hard I try.
19:47And while all three contenders were beasts, only one house can be leader of the pack.
19:52This makes me nervous.
19:54No!
19:56It's between a dingle-dangle design disaster...
19:59What?!
20:00We have taken down thousands.
20:02Every corner, you've got these testicles.
20:05A dizzying, diamond-studded taxidermist haven...
20:09Live, laugh, love!
20:11Not for the animals.
20:12And a house that's so sad, the ceiling weeps.
20:16So it just drips?
20:18Yes.
20:18Oh, there's a drip right there.
20:20That's annoying.
20:23Here we are, on the road.
20:24Guess what?
20:25We get to tell some lucky folks they have the ugliest house in their region.
20:32It's good news?
20:33Let's see.
20:34Hi, guys.
20:44Hi.
20:44Hi.
20:45Hi.
20:48You have the ugliest house in the Ozarks.
20:51No!
20:54I mean, we know that, but it's quite a bit suspicious.
20:57So, I'm going to wish you luck.
20:59Bye, guys.
21:00Dingle-dangle.
21:01Bye.
21:06Congratulations, pitful dingle-dangle rowhouse.
21:09You have the kind of ugly that only a bulldozer could love.
21:13But the question remains, are you ugly enough to win it all?
21:18Because this quest is far from over.
21:20Coming up.
21:26Whoa!
21:27They had a full giraffe right in the center.
21:31This is the bath.
21:35It might have been worth the trip.
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