- 1 week ago
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
00:22Desiree Perch!
00:30Oh my god, yes! Hello, Apollo!
00:41You sexy, sexy bitch, how are you?
00:45It's so good to see you, it has been a long time, y'all.
00:50I got old, man, since the last time I saw you.
00:53I turned 45, like, yeah, like at least two or three years ago, I think.
00:59I don't know, it's hard to remember in my age, man.
01:02Look, here's what I'll tell you.
01:03I was born in 1979, which means I think I'm technically the very end of Generation X.
01:09Gen X, where are you guys at?
01:11Make some noise, let me see you.
01:13There should be five times as many of us in here, but we're the generation that was decimated
01:18by AIDS and overdoses and crack and the most serial killers in all of history.
01:25Like, Sanus, Craigslist, you name it.
01:28Like, basically everything millennials have a true crime podcast about was our childhood.
01:35Just ask us, okay?
01:37But, like, look, I'm just saying congrats, y'all, whatever, however much therapy or drugs
01:41you did to make it to today, thank you for your service, okay?
01:44All right?
01:45Boomers, where the hell are you guys, boomers?
01:47Make some noise, boomers, yes.
01:49Thank you for whooping, boomers.
01:51All of that energy from owning everything.
01:53Boomers.
01:54No, look, okay, I'm not, you guys already get too much hate.
01:58Like, it is not your fault houses used to be so damn cheap, is it, right?
02:02Houses used to cost less than eggs do now.
02:04You guys are like, let's buy a pallet of houses while we're out here shopping anyway.
02:07Right?
02:08They'll make more.
02:09They didn't make more.
02:10That's not your fault, all right?
02:11I personally think, boomers, you guys deserve a lot more credit than you get, okay?
02:15You guys are the generation that fought for all of the rights that we all, unfortunately,
02:22have to fight for again, apparently, okay?
02:24But I'm old enough.
02:25I remember feminism and civil rights.
02:27They were fun.
02:28Thank you for that, all right?
02:29Also, you're still fighting now.
02:30You're still out there protesting, getting arrested, although it probably takes some
02:34off the energy bills at the end of the month, right?
02:36So I think you guys get a temper for that.
02:37I'm just saying, thank you very much for everything that you have done for us.
02:41And while we're talking, boomers, about that will, I don't know if...
02:46You have all the houses I had to try.
02:48Okay, fine.
02:49What about Gen Z?
02:50Gen Z, the newest adults in the room.
02:52Where are you guys?
02:53Yes!
02:54Yes!
02:55You beautiful babies.
02:56Thank you for responding.
02:57Most of the time, Gen Z is like, ew, cringe.
02:58She's talking to me weird.
02:59Gen...
03:00No.
03:01Seriously, Gen Z, you guys, like, have my whole heart.
03:03You guys are my favorites.
03:04Because much like Gen X, you are so young and so screwed.
03:09Like, it's how...
03:11Like, literally all the other generations just took the world, used it like a gym towel,
03:15did this, and then threw it in your face.
03:18Like, deal with it.
03:19Peace.
03:20Clean that up.
03:21Like, Gen Z, seriously.
03:22What I want to say is that right now, society as we know it, is going away.
03:27All the old stuff is done.
03:28And there is a vacuum that your generation is going to be the ones to fill.
03:33So, if you've got good ideas, bring them up.
03:35We are here to support you because you really are going to be the change makers.
03:38All right?
03:39And look, Gen X, especially, we've been waiting for the revolution for a couple of generations.
03:43So, we're really here for it.
03:44Like, whatever we can do for you.
03:46I do not know what skills we have to offer.
03:48But if you ever need anyone to, like, hand write you a letter in cursive for some reason...
03:54We got you, okay?
03:57You make a new constitution, we'll do the calligraphy, yo.
04:00We got you.
04:01All right?
04:02Man, now, okay, I assume the rest of you guys who have said nothing yet are millennials,
04:07yeah?
04:08Yeah?
04:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:10We know how much you love yourselves, millennials.
04:12Okay, look, um...
04:13Look, now, honestly, I'm not going to drag you guys either.
04:15You guys got shit for 20 years for liking avocados.
04:18Those things are amazing, thank you.
04:20Last I checked, they're not indigenous to this wet rake island.
04:24Thanks for the flavor, guys.
04:25We appreciate your work.
04:26I'm just saying, like, don't forget about the rest of us.
04:30The thing is, we don't hate you, we're just jealous.
04:33We're just jealous.
04:34Millennials, you guys got stuff all of us wanted.
04:37We were all working toward things, and you guys just reached out and grabbed them.
04:41You got stuff everybody wanted, like mental health and consent, you know?
04:46Man, ask Gen X if they wanted some consent.
04:51They'll tell you some war stories, okay?
04:53And mental health...
04:55Gen X, were the words mental and health even in the same sentence when we were kids?
05:00It wasn't even a concept back then in, like, the 80s and 90s.
05:04If you went as a Gen X kid at the age of 16 to your mom, like,
05:07Mom, I think I'm depressed.
05:09She'd be like, I don't know, here's a packet of fags and a Smith CD.
05:12Like, grow the hell up.
05:13It's not having a personality kid.
05:15Here's some eyeliner.
05:16Check out the cure.
05:17Like, leave me alone.
05:18Right?
05:19There's no chill for our little feelings, okay?
05:22So, like, we're jealous.
05:24Like, you...
05:25Millennials, you guys got the playgrounds that bounced you back up on your feet when you fell down.
05:30We just lost teeth and broke bones.
05:32Like, we were the...
05:33We were the first pancake, all right?
05:35We were the testers for you guys, and we just want you to appreciate what we went through.
05:40We were, like, the lab rats.
05:41We had all the dumb technology so you guys could have cool stuff.
05:44We had rotary phones for you guys.
05:47Anybody remember that rotary phone, that cinder block you had to carry through your house just to have a private conversation?
05:53Then when you're dialing the number, you got seven to ten chances to figure out if you still want to talk to this asshole.
05:59You started calling six months ago for some reason, right?
06:04You know what I mean?
06:05We had, like, Betamax, VHS, LaserDisc, MiniDisc, like, video games you had to sexually pleasure before they'd even load up for you.
06:14Right?
06:16You remember that first Nintendo?
06:18You were like...
06:19Blowing out the whole alphabet to get a plumber to show up.
06:32So you kids could have holograms of ABBA perform for you now.
06:37You know, like, how is that possible?
06:39Didn't they die, like, a decade ago?
06:41Like, what's going on?
06:42I'm just saying, like, Gen Z kids, one day y'all are gonna get to see Tupac live.
06:48Right?
06:49I mean, still dead, you know, but, like, live.
06:52I grew up in L.A. in the 90s and I didn't get to do that shit.
06:56So please, just for me, wheel my geriatric ass down to the front row so I can be like, West Side for life!
07:02And then flatline, okay?
07:03That's all I've wanted for 30 years, okay?
07:06I mean, I, you know, like, y'all are just made different millennials.
07:10Like, I didn't expect it to be so stark, but, like, I, like, two years ago I went to my first millennial wedding, okay?
07:16And when I say millennial wedding, I mean the bride breastfed at the altar.
07:22I'm not joking, right?
07:23Because, obviously, they had the kid first because weddings are expensive and baby-making is free, right?
07:27So they had the kid first and then they had the wedding later, right?
07:30So by the time they're getting married, they've got this two-year-old, right?
07:33You know, who's, like, running down the aisle after his mom, like, Mama, I'm hungry.
07:36She whips out this milk-filled boob, pops it right into his mouth, and immediately 200 millennials just erupt into applause.
07:44They're like, slay, queen, slay.
07:46Oh, my God.
07:47This is progress in motion.
07:49I was like, whoa.
07:50Made different, right?
07:51Now, also, this wedding was only taking place because the bride proposed to the groom.
07:58Yeah.
07:59Yep.
08:00Progress is here, guys.
08:01She proposed to her male, straight, cis-gendered fiancé.
08:05And I was like, girl, that is a baller move.
08:08And she's like, Desiree, look, I'm a professor, right?
08:10I'm always talking about feminism at university.
08:12And then I realized, what am I waiting for?
08:14Like, I know we're ready, right?
08:16And I could just as easily give him the same thing that I'm waiting for him to give me.
08:19I know how I'd like to do it, where I'd like to do it.
08:22And I was like, girl, that is incredible.
08:25Yes, go.
08:26Am I ever gonna do that shit?
08:27No fucking way am I ever gonna do that shit.
08:29All right?
08:30I am a full-blown Gen Xer.
08:31I've been waiting for four decades for a man to get on his knees so I could be like, maybe.
08:39I dub you, sir, maybe.
08:41Maybe don't ask me at a steak restaurant in front of all these people.
08:44But, you know, she didn't need that.
08:47And I'm proud of her, right?
08:48You know, and I thought about that.
08:49And I was like, you know what?
08:50I'm also proud of him, right?
08:51You know, because there's a lot of straight dudes who would feel some type of way about
08:55a woman taking over his role or whatever, right?
08:58You know, because he got proposed to.
09:00It was probably one of the most magical, most memorable, important days of his life.
09:05But also, at the same time, one of the most confusing, right?
09:09Because if we all remember how a wedding proposal tends to go, she will have had to have gotten
09:15down on one knee.
09:17Yep.
09:18And he thought some whole other shit was about to happen for at least a cool minute, right?
09:24She's down there like, will you make me the happiest woman in the world?
09:28And he's like, holy shit, right here in the butterfly garden, babe?
09:31Yes, right?
09:32Then she had to stop him, like, no, honey, if you'll just wait, honey, actually, if you
09:36just look, just look at the ring, look at the ring, right?
09:43He's like, oh, oh, snap.
09:45Sorry about that.
09:46In retrospect, the ring is rather small, but I just love you so much, babe.
09:49I love you so...
09:50I'm just saying, you know, sometimes progress happens in an instant like that, you know?
09:53Like, never, never be afraid, you know?
09:55And I feel so bad for my boyfriend.
09:57I met him on an app like in 2020 during the lockdowns, right?
10:01It was amazing.
10:02Yes, nice.
10:03I mean, look, it was the only time dating on apps was actually sensible, was like right
10:08in the earliest part of the pandemic, because everyone I talked to on Hinge was suddenly
10:12being a decent person.
10:14Everyone I spoke to was just like, how's your family?
10:17How are you coping?
10:18How are you getting through this madness?
10:19Are you safe?
10:20Are you okay?
10:21Everyone I spoke to during that time was a reasonable, decent human being, with the exception
10:25of one dude whose opening gambit was, so what you wearing?
10:30April 2020, what am I wearing, sir?
10:35The same tear-soaked pajamas I've been wearing for three and a half weeks with a terminal
10:40mustard stain ground to the left tit.
10:43Like, are we in the same planet, right?
10:45What am I wearing?
10:4625 masks, asshole.
10:48Are we on the same Earth?
10:49What?
10:50You know, like, I love men, but I don't understand your priorities.
10:53Like, we're in the middle of viral Armageddon, he's still thinking about his dick.
10:57Like, I don't...
10:58You know, like, could he and I be running away in vain from a mushroom cloud, and he would
11:02stop and be like, dim titties, doe girl, look at him, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
11:07Like, you know, he would.
11:08That's why you're laughing.
11:09He totally friggin' would.
11:10Do you know what I mean?
11:11So, like, this guy that I've been with, I've still been with him this whole time.
11:14He's actually a millennial.
11:15He's one of y'all, right?
11:16He's like, just a few years younger than I am.
11:19And, like, look, you know, the differences are slight, but they are there.
11:23You know, for instance, like, after sex, I'll want to cuddle.
11:27He'll want to watch Australian gamers play Call of Duty on YouTube.
11:31No, like, I shit you not, our aftercare's me sliding under his arm while we watch, like,
11:36the top 100 things you need to know about GTA V before you finish.
11:40Right?
11:41And I'm like, well, he already finished.
11:42Let me learn some stuff, right?
11:43Because, like, I know stuff you guys can do with Franklin you wish you knew.
11:46I've learned a lot about games I've never played, right?
11:49You know?
11:50And, like, here's the thing.
11:51It's been so wonderful to find somebody that I absolutely adore in this time in my life,
11:55because it took me this long to accept certain things about myself.
11:59Like, you know, I've always loved dad bod, but in my mid-40s, it's all that's available to me,
12:04and I'm fine with that, right?
12:06I also have always loved bald men.
12:08He is a bald guy, and I love bald guys.
12:11Yes, shiny kings, I see all of you, yes.
12:14Like, bouncing off your head like a halo.
12:17I love you guys, okay?
12:19And also, young women, if you've never gone home with a bald guy,
12:22treat yourself, girl, okay?
12:23There's nothing sexier than seeing a shiny head between your legs when you look down.
12:28Looking like a little hard hat down there, because that man is at work, okay?
12:33Trust, all right?
12:38He takes care of it.
12:41And, look, let us all remember how male pattern baldness works.
12:45Typically, a man loses his hair because he has so much testosterone coursing through his veins
12:53that it has scared the hairs off the top of his head
12:56and directly into his butt crack.
12:59That's where they went.
13:01They didn't fall out.
13:02They moved to a better neighborhood, okay?
13:05They found community.
13:06They're raising family down there, all right?
13:09You know?
13:10And, like, I appreciate that, like, all bald men, by, you know,
13:14dint of their baldness, have all had to survive an ego death.
13:17That is important to me as a grown-ass woman.
13:19I need to be with a man who's gone through something, right?
13:21Like, all bald men have had to let go of dreams that they used to have.
13:25Like, they used to want to get a motorcycle with the wind whipping through their hair.
13:28They can't do that, right?
13:29They wanted to grow a ponytail and not look like 90s Danny DeVito.
13:32They can't do that.
13:33They got to think about sunscreen all the damn time.
13:36Like, life is real.
13:37There are consequences.
13:38I can't be messing around with some dude with a full head of hair
13:41still thinking all his dreams are going to come true.
13:43Like, grow up.
13:44You know?
13:45No, Dave.
13:46Your dad band isn't going to take off.
13:47We're 50.
13:48Please stop it, right?
13:49You know?
13:50And he was one of these guys.
13:51Like, he was losing it as a teenager.
13:52My boyfriend started losing his hair at, like, 16.
13:56That is rough, right?
13:57What has that got to be like?
13:59To be a teenager?
14:00Like, you're just starting to get hairs growing in down here.
14:03Meanwhile, all the other ones are falling out of the top in the same shower drain.
14:07How messed up is that?
14:08Like, he was that dude who, like, got to university already looking like Phil Collins.
14:12You know what I'm talking about?
14:13There's always one.
14:14You're looking at a frat party.
14:15You're like, why is there a professor here?
14:17And he's like, what?
14:18I'm a freshman.
14:19I'm also a freshman.
14:20What?
14:21Right?
14:22I'm like, that's hardcore.
14:23You know?
14:24And, like, just so I accurately paint the picture, he is a luscious bald man.
14:27But he is also a Greek Cypriot.
14:29So, I need you to understand that there is no hair here.
14:35But from the eyebrows, y'all.
14:38Like, all the way down to, like...
14:41He looks like if an Ewok became a monk.
14:44That is...
14:46I'm so happy somebody cut him eye holes and a mouth hole so we could meet.
14:50My God.
14:51So cute.
14:52Do you know what I mean?
14:53Like...
14:54And, like, he has this big beard, too.
14:56It's his pride and joy.
14:57He's got this, like, Osama bin Lovin' looking beard.
14:59It's massive, right?
15:00And he's...
15:02As a black woman, I have never seen anyone take better care of their hair
15:05than this man does of his beard.
15:07He is putting oils and tinctures on it.
15:09He's encouraging it, doing affirmations for that beard and stuff.
15:12And I'm like, wow, you are really into that.
15:13But I realized that part of it is because other men have beard envy.
15:18And I never knew this about you guys, right?
15:21Like, sir, you've got a gorgeous beard right there.
15:23I'm looking at you in the white shirt.
15:24It's beautiful.
15:25Would you have more if you could?
15:27Would you... would you...
15:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:29Every time I ask you, they're like, oh, yeah, I would grow it down here like ZZ Top.
15:33Oh, yeah, just right.
15:34Like, basically, if you know a man with any amount of facial hair,
15:38every dude with a beard in his head has an image of a different dude
15:42with a bigger beard that he would like to hang out with,
15:46like, learn things from, maybe do an apprenticeship with.
15:50Like, sniff when he's not looking, maybe get some of the good beard pheromones.
15:53Like, you know, like, it's just a weird...
15:55And I've witnessed it because we were on one of our first socially distanced dates, right?
15:59We're walking around in the summer of 2020 in a park, you know, two meters apart,
16:03and I see this man from, like, a hundred meters away with a lovely beard,
16:06spot my boyfriend's beard, like, ahoy, go right up to him.
16:10Like, in the middle of a viral pandemic, he gets all up in his face,
16:13and he's like, bruv, your beard is beautiful.
16:18It's majestic.
16:20He said majestic.
16:21Like, it was like an endangered bird in flight.
16:24He was like, oh.
16:25And he's like, bro, what are you putting on that?
16:27Are you doing oil or wax or pomade?
16:29Are you taking supplements, man?
16:31Are you juicing, man?
16:32I'll juice. I don't care. I'll juice.
16:33You tell me right now.
16:34I was like, what is happening?
16:35And my boyfriend was like, this happens all the time.
16:38I was like, this?
16:39This happens all the time?
16:40This man saw your facial hair and supplicated himself to you.
16:43He saw your beard, and he went, my lord, my liege, how may I serve thee?
16:48I was like, what is this?
16:50And my boyfriend's like, dude, what are you gonna do?
16:52I'm Greek. It's just jeans.
16:53What are you gonna do?
16:54And I was like, yeah, if you like that, you should see his back.
16:56That's where he keeps the good stuff, man.
16:58That's where the single malt is. Make him show you that, right?
17:01Like, he's got the kind of hairy where, like, if he doesn't shave the neck back in,
17:05the forest reclaims the entire street.
17:07Do you know what I mean? It's for real.
17:08And it precludes us from doing certain things, right?
17:10He has a daughter with his ex, and I was like, you know, next weekend,
17:13we should take her to the zoo.
17:14And I was like, oh, no.
17:16I cannot take your hairy ass to a zoo.
17:18Like, I could not walk a hominid that hairy past a gorilla cage
17:23and not expect an incident to wind up on the news.
17:26Like, a gorilla would see my boyfriend on the other side of glass and be like,
17:31but, but us, same.
17:34Us, same.
17:37But, but me prison him vape pen? What?
17:40You know, like, it would be pandemonium.
17:43I'm gonna leave you guys on this.
17:44I will just say, he's the kind of hairy, just to drive the point home,
17:48he's the kind of hairy where, like, like, I've never,
17:51I've never wanted to make a sex tape.
17:52That's not the kind of thing I'm into.
17:54But, like, every time he and I do have sex,
17:56I feel like Sir David Attenborough should be narrating that.
17:59Like, right?
18:01And he might need to fight another Cypri
18:03and then do a shiny head dance at the end.
18:05And then we'll put a plea for the environment in there.
18:08All right, you guys are so much fun.
18:10Are you ready to have an amazing night?
18:13Oh, my God.
18:14You are the best audience ever, Apollo.
18:17All right.
18:18I'm about to bring out a good friend and an amazing comic.
18:21Please put your hands together and give some love to Susie Ruffo!
18:35Hello!
18:37Good evening, live at the Apollo.
18:42I'm very excited to be with you all this evening.
18:44First things first, I should let you know,
18:46I've got a little headset mic.
18:48A little headset mic.
18:49A little Britney mic.
18:50I took a photo of myself wearing it to send to my wife.
18:53Yes, I've got a wife.
18:54My hair's not an accident.
18:55Neither's the vibe.
18:56Took a picture to send to my wife.
18:59Wanted to say, it's Britney, bitch.
19:01OK?
19:02My phone auto-corrected it to, it's Britney, butch.
19:06Which I think works.
19:08I think that works.
19:10Now, before I came to this wonderful venue this evening,
19:13I picked up my daughter from school.
19:15I've got one child, but I'm in the one and done gang.
19:18I'm very happy to have one.
19:20She's the best thing that ever happened to me,
19:21but we are one and done.
19:22But when you have one child,
19:23people love to suggest that you should have another one.
19:26People are always going,
19:27you're going to have another one?
19:28Go and have another one.
19:29Have a little another one.
19:30Go and have another one.
19:31Have a little another one.
19:32Go and have another one.
19:33Have a little another one.
19:34It's mainly my mum.
19:35She loves garage.
19:36And...
19:45By the way, I don't think you should have an opinion
19:46on how many kids people have or anything like that.
19:49You know, but we have one.
19:51Now, there's a mum at school that has six.
19:53OK, which is a few, sure.
19:56Sure.
19:57OK, we go to the park after school.
19:59Her six run off.
20:00My one goes and joins them.
20:02And then she turned to me and went,
20:04Oh, don't you think it's sad?
20:06Don't you think it's sad that she hasn't got a sibling?
20:08And I thought,
20:09Oh, don't you think it's sad?
20:10Don't you think it's sad you look so tired?
20:13I think that's...
20:14I'm sad.
20:16I didn't say it.
20:17I just thought it.
20:19But now I've got to get out of your free card now
20:21and people say to me,
20:22you're going to have another one,
20:23you're going to have another one,
20:24you're going to have another one.
20:25Now what I say is,
20:26my wife and I have stopped using protection
20:27and we're leaving it in the hands of God.
20:32That seems to work.
20:39So I picked my daughter up from school today.
20:42I dropped her off.
20:43I pick her up.
20:44I'm going to be honest with you though.
20:45I don't know what she's doing there.
20:47Because I can't get any information out of her.
20:51I pick her up from school.
20:52How was school?
20:53Yeah.
20:54Who did you play with?
20:55My friends.
20:56Did you eat your lunch?
20:57I can't get any information out of her.
21:00I don't know if I'm dropping her to school or MI5.
21:03I'm not sure when they get there
21:05if they just bust them down to Bletchley Park.
21:08I can't get any information.
21:11Until...
21:12Bedtime.
21:14Oh yeah, there's some parents in.
21:16You know about this.
21:17You'll say no-night.
21:18No-night, darling.
21:19Love you.
21:20No-night, no-night, no-night.
21:21And as I get to the door, she'll go,
21:23I have some information you might be interested in.
21:28The spy has cracked.
21:29The asset is compromised.
21:31I go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:33She goes, I played with Mia and Lily.
21:35Oh, that's really nice.
21:36Okay, no-night, no-night, no-night.
21:38And she said, you know,
21:40Mia's daddy had a different wife
21:43when he met Mia's mummy.
21:47My interest has peaked.
21:50You've bought yourself some time, little one.
21:52They get the nightlight and put it right in her face.
21:54Tell me everything you know!
21:57She said, well,
21:58Mia's mummy taught Mia's daddy to play tennis
22:01and then he left the old wife
22:03and she hit his car with a hammer.
22:06And it's a Mercedes.
22:08I'm like, wow!
22:09That is a lot of information from a five-year-old.
22:12But thank you very much.
22:13I need to go and start a splinter WhatsApp group
22:15with some of the mums.
22:18But she tries to keep me in the room.
22:19Starts throwing out mad shit.
22:21She'll be like, ah, do badgers have knees?
22:23Huh?
22:25Huh?
22:26Do fish celebrate birthdays?
22:27Maybe.
22:28Then she'll start doing the love stuff.
22:29I love you.
22:30I love you too.
22:31I love you so much, Mama.
22:32I love you so much, darling.
22:33I love you so much.
22:35Last night, I was putting her to bed.
22:37She said to me,
22:38hey, Mama,
22:39when are you going to get a job?
22:43I said, I've got a job.
22:44She said, no, when are you going to get a proper job?
22:46I said, I've got a job.
22:47I said, you know what I do?
22:49I said, tomorrow night,
22:50I'm going into London.
22:51I'm going to play live at the Apollo.
22:53She said, what are you going to do?
22:54Will you do a Taylor Swift number?
22:56I said, no.
22:57No, I won't do a Taylor Swift number.
22:59I'm going to talk.
23:00And she went, ah, just you?
23:03I said, yeah.
23:04I said, yeah.
23:06She said, for how long?
23:07I said, about 20 minutes.
23:09And then she went, boring.
23:12No night.
23:14No night.
23:16I recently found out that I am middle-aged.
23:19I'm 39.
23:20I found out I'm middle-aged.
23:21I don't know if you found out in the same way as me.
23:23I got an email from Gabby Logan.
23:26Saying, would you like to come on my podcast about being middle-aged?
23:31And I said, Gabby,
23:33I think you've got the wrong person.
23:35And she said, no, I've seen your Wikipedia.
23:37And I said, great, I'll see you on Friday.
23:41Now, what I will say is that I've noticed myself getting a little bit older.
23:44And I feel like it happened like that.
23:46It happened like that.
23:47It feels like one minute I was pulling an all-nighter at a rave in Hackney
23:49and feeling totally fine the next day.
23:51And the very next minute,
23:52I was turning down my radio in my car so that I could reverse.
23:57When did I start doing that?
23:58I didn't know I did that.
23:59Or looking out of the window and going,
24:01I could drive some washing today.
24:03When did that happen?
24:04When did I start doing that?
24:06Got a problem with my shoulder now.
24:07Got to see a physio every month.
24:08Got a problem with my rotator cuff.
24:10Want to know how I damaged my rotator cuff?
24:12Just rotating it.
24:14That is life now.
24:17And my face has changed a bit.
24:19Now, of course my face has changed a bit.
24:20That makes perfect sense.
24:21But I didn't realise how much my face had changed until I saw myself on telly.
24:25Now, I never usually watch myself on telly.
24:27And my daughter can never watch me on telly because I swear too much.
24:30But I was on Sunday brunch.
24:32And you are not allowed to swear on Sunday brunch.
24:35You can't be like,
24:36Fuck me, this paella is banging.
24:37I could eat six of these slags.
24:39You can't say that.
24:41A producer comes over to you and says,
24:43Please don't say you could eat six of these slags.
24:44Thank you so much.
24:45So, it goes out live.
24:48And then I go home and my daughter wants to watch it on catch-up.
24:51So we put it on and it's like Sunday brunch.
24:53And the panel comes up.
24:54And my daughter goes,
24:55Oh, Mama!
24:56And I was like, Yeah, that's me!
24:57And then it did a close-up of me.
24:58And it said,
24:59Susie Ruffles here to talk about her tour.
25:00And my daughter went,
25:01Mama, your face!
25:03And I was like,
25:04Whoa!
25:05My face.
25:06That is my face.
25:07And what I've realised is,
25:09When I do my make-up,
25:10I take my glasses off.
25:12So I have a very soft focus.
25:14But the camera had a very hard focus.
25:19So I started seeing all these parts of my eyes
25:21that I'd never seen before all around my hair.
25:23And so I started talking to one of my friends about it.
25:25And I said,
25:26Look, babe,
25:27I'm thinking about having not loads,
25:28but I'm thinking about having just a little bit,
25:29just a tiny bit,
25:30just a wincey bit of Botox.
25:32Just a tiny bit of Botox.
25:33And she said to me,
25:34No, babe, don't do it.
25:35Don't get Botox.
25:36Don't become one of those women that has Botox.
25:38You don't need Botox
25:39because you look amazing.
25:41What she didn't know is that I'd already
25:43had the Botox.
25:45And that's why I was looking so good.
25:48Then she said to me,
25:49I'm surprised you've had Botox
25:50because you're such an ardent feminist.
25:52And I'll be honest with you,
25:53I'm surprised too.
25:55I mean, I can't show it anymore.
25:57But I am.
26:00Then she said,
26:02Then she said,
26:03I'm surprised you've had Botox
26:04because you're a lesbian.
26:05I was like, whoa.
26:06What kind of homophobic gymnastics
26:07do you have to do to get to that?
26:09By the way,
26:11homophobic gymnastics,
26:12something I would watch.
26:14Double back,
26:16when she stuck it,
26:17the dyke from Norway,
26:18ten points to her.
26:19I'd watch that.
26:20What she means is
26:21I'm not doing it to the attention of men.
26:22And I'm not.
26:23Come on, give me some self-respect.
26:24I am a 39-year-old mother.
26:26I am not having Botox
26:27so men think I'm fit.
26:29Having Botox so women think I'm fit.
26:31It's different.
26:40But it's good that I'm not doing it
26:41for the attention of men
26:42because sometimes men don't see me.
26:43Sometimes men don't see me.
26:44The other day I was walking through London
26:45and a man bumped into me.
26:46Bumped right into me.
26:48And then went,
26:49Oh, sorry, son.
26:50I'm not a teenage boy.
26:55And I wasn't in like trackies and a cap.
26:57I was dressed up.
26:58I had on my lipstick.
26:59I had on my eyeliner.
27:00Like, I know I've got short hair,
27:01but I'm clearly a woman.
27:02Like, he was bold.
27:03I didn't think he was an eagle.
27:09Look at the wingspan on you.
27:10You're huge.
27:13But I don't know.
27:14And I'm talking mainly
27:15to the straight men in the room at the moment.
27:16I don't know if the straight men know
27:18how many women are currently coming out.
27:22I don't know if you know this.
27:24Last year,
27:25over the space of three months,
27:27three women that I knew
27:28told me they had opened their dating preferences
27:30to include women.
27:32And I'm here to tell you
27:34the lesbians simply don't have the resources
27:38for the amount of women that are currently coming out.
27:42We simply don't have the back catalogue of women
27:46to get through all of these newly identifying gay women.
27:49Let me tell you,
27:50Claire Boulding's on her knees.
27:51We simply...
28:00We simply don't have enough women.
28:01I've got one friend,
28:02very cool, androgynous, lesbian,
28:04very hot.
28:05She exclusively, exclusively,
28:07sleeps with straight women.
28:09She has slept with so many straight women,
28:11we've started calling her Tina
28:13because sooner or later she's going to turn you.
28:15OK?
28:17And that's not a joke.
28:19That's just something that's happening in my friendship group.
28:21So I'm letting the men know.
28:22I don't want any of the men to think I'm having a go at them.
28:23I don't.
28:24I want all the men in the room to know
28:25that I am a male ally.
28:26I want you to know that.
28:27I'm a male ally.
28:28I've seen three of the Fast and the Furious films
28:29because you've got to do the work.
28:30OK?
28:31I'm a male ally.
28:32So I'm just letting men know
28:33because you might think it's a teenage boy
28:36on his way to deliver a paper.
28:38But it's not.
28:39That's an androgynous lesbian
28:40on their way to fuck your wife.
28:55Another way I know that I'm getting older
28:57is we've got our first divorces
28:58in my friendship group.
28:59Because of the divorce,
29:00it now means that one of my best friends is single.
29:02Now, Jules is Scoush Jules.
29:04She's from Liverpool.
29:05And I don't know if you need both.
29:07Um...
29:09She's on the apps.
29:10And that means we're all living vicariously
29:12through Jules.
29:13It's very exciting.
29:14Now, Jules is straight.
29:15And that's fine.
29:16Because love is love.
29:18And...
29:19No, it is.
29:20Love is love.
29:21I just don't want to see it.
29:22And...
29:25And we're now living vicariously through her.
29:27Now, the other day she rang me, right?
29:29It was just after I dropped my daughter to school.
29:31So quite early.
29:32So I was like, all right, Hans, is everything OK?
29:33She went, Suze, ask me what I did last night.
29:36I said, what did you do last night?
29:38She said, I had a swipey swipe date.
29:40I said, oh, how was it?
29:42She said, put it like this.
29:43I'm on my way home now.
29:45I said, oh my goodness, a sleepover.
29:47How exciting.
29:48How was it?
29:49She said, Suze, it was amazing.
29:50It was incredible.
29:51We had sex all night long.
29:54Now, I don't know if it's me getting older,
29:56but I couldn't think of anything I'd like to do less.
29:59Have sex all night long.
30:03Imagine getting to 3am and thinking,
30:05bloody hell, I've got four more hours of this.
30:09You'd be on the cranberry juice for a week.
30:10No, thank you.
30:11It is a privilege to do this show.
30:20My name's Suze.
30:21I'll see you another time.
30:22Cheers!
30:29Keep it going for Suze Raffel, y'all.
30:33Right?
30:34Absolute national treasure.
30:36Okay, look, I've got one more for you.
30:39This young man is the future of comedy
30:41and you are going to love him.
30:42Put your hands together, make some noise
30:44for Finley Christie!
30:59Oh!
31:02This is good, this.
31:03How's it going?
31:04You guys all right?
31:05Good to be here, man.
31:08I'm Finley.
31:10I'm 26.
31:12It's nice to be a young comedian,
31:14but, you know,
31:15I'm trying to engage more
31:17with, like, elderly culture.
31:22I was listening to the news
31:24the other week on the radio.
31:25It's all, like, old people moaning about being cold.
31:29It's all cold, old people, isn't it?
31:36I'm young and hot.
31:38I don't...
31:43I was listening, I was listening the other day.
31:45It was an old lady calling in to, like, a talk radio station.
31:49She calls in.
31:50She goes,
31:51Oh, Nick, I can't afford to heat my house.
31:56I was thinking, I'll never have one, you know?
32:01Like, to a young person, I can't afford to heat my house.
32:06It does just sound like a brag.
32:13It sounds like I can't afford to fuel my Porsche.
32:16It's like you...
32:18You have a house.
32:20With a chairlift.
32:24I mean, you have stairs you don't even use.
32:27I'd pay good money to live under those stairs.
32:38Everything...
32:39Everything she says, she's complaining,
32:41but to me it sounds like a boast.
32:43Like, at one point she's like,
32:44Well, since last year, I...
32:48I live alone.
32:53Well, no flatmates, you made it out of the hood.
32:58She's like, I have to take pills every day.
33:00That's gangster, congratulations.
33:03I'm 26.
33:04I feel like on my own in a big house.
33:06Everyone from school's dead.
33:07That's the dream, man.
33:15I don't follow climate change news either,
33:17which is...
33:18It's bad, isn't it?
33:20It's bad.
33:22I don't follow...
33:23Well, I smoke weed and watch Frozen Planet.
33:28It's as close as it gets.
33:29But it's not like a...
33:31It's not relaxing activity.
33:33I think it used to be.
33:34I think people used to, you know, smoke weed,
33:36watch a nature documentary.
33:37It was like a relaxing thing, but...
33:39There's a climate change.
33:42You know, I was...
33:43Man, I was doing it the other day.
33:44There was...
33:45There was a polar bear...
33:47on a tiny piece of ice, and I...
33:51I got sad.
33:52I started thinking about how sad it is.
33:55Obviously, soon, because of climate change,
33:58the polar bears,
33:59they won't have any ice left.
34:00Future generations,
34:01they're not going to grow up in a world with polar bears.
34:06And that made me sad.
34:12And then,
34:13the next clip in the show
34:15was of a polar bear,
34:16like swimming.
34:22I was like,
34:23Oh.
34:28They'll be fine.
34:29No one...
34:30No one told me they could swim.
34:39I...
34:40I thought they were drowning.
34:44Now, when I see a polar bear,
34:46on a little bit of ice,
34:47I'm like,
34:48look at this drama queen,
34:49just...
34:51swim to another...
34:52like a bigger bit.
34:54So I'm trying to get adopted,
34:55you know.
34:56Then I came up with a solution.
34:59I'm like,
35:00Oh my God,
35:01I know how we save polar bears.
35:02The Arctic's too hot.
35:03We need to put the polar bears somewhere cold.
35:05I'm thinking,
35:06old people's houses.
35:17Right?
35:18Save the polar bears,
35:19get those lonely old people a nice warm friend.
35:21Some people get annoyed,
35:22they do comedy about generational stuff.
35:23You know,
35:24Gen Z,
35:25Millennial Boomer,
35:26isn't it all the same?
35:27I think there are...
35:28There are some differences.
35:29The way we use social media,
35:31very different young to old,
35:32obviously.
35:33I think older people,
35:34even like the generation above me,
35:36I think older people tend to use social media
35:38to kind of show off about their achievements.
35:40Whereas like,
35:41young people,
35:42we use it to like,
35:43I think older people tend to use social media
35:45to kind of show off about their achievements.
35:47Whereas like,
35:48young people,
35:49we use it to like,
35:50show off about our struggles.
35:52And you look at the Instagram bio
35:54of an older person,
35:55they list their achievements.
35:57Be like,
35:58dentist,
35:59husband,
36:00father.
36:01It was like,
36:02my friends will put their mental disorders
36:05in their,
36:06in a bio.
36:07Like,
36:08ADHD,
36:09autistic,
36:10plant-based,
36:11and like...
36:12I can't...
36:15But like,
36:19I don't have any...
36:20I don't have a disorder.
36:21I think it gets you some clout
36:22to have a disorder.
36:24I want something.
36:25I don't have anything.
36:26I'm too privileged.
36:27I don't have ADHD.
36:28I don't have PTSD.
36:29When I have Vietnam flashbacks,
36:31they're of a nice holiday.
36:32I want something, you know.
36:40I want...
36:43I was at a party.
36:45Recently.
36:46I was telling a story
36:47in a group of people.
36:48It was going well.
36:49Then this girl starts talking about
36:51how she has OCD.
36:53Suddenly the whole conversation
36:54is about her.
36:56Like, everyone forgot
36:57that I'm funny and interesting.
37:01I was thinking...
37:02I was...
37:03I was annoyed.
37:04I was in the middle of telling a story
37:06about my time in Nam.
37:12I did two tours.
37:13Bus and walking.
37:14And then she comes along.
37:15At the end of last year.
37:25I went to New Orleans.
37:26In America.
37:27Like a party town.
37:29In America.
37:30And it got messy.
37:32I was out late at night.
37:33It was 4am.
37:34I was drunk.
37:35I was on my own.
37:36My friends had gone back to the hotel.
37:37These two women saw me
37:39from across the street
37:40in New Orleans.
37:41They shouted at me
37:42from across the street.
37:43They went,
37:44Hey!
37:45Baby boy.
37:48We...
37:49wanna fuck you.
37:53And...
37:54I believed them.
37:55And...
38:03I got robbed.
38:04And...
38:07Yeah.
38:08They fucked me all right.
38:13They were like,
38:14Oh!
38:15They saw me from across the street.
38:16They were like,
38:17Oh!
38:18Come and get in our car.
38:19Right?
38:20And I'm from London.
38:21I've never been in the car.
38:22Obviously I'm gonna...
38:23And I'm thinking...
38:24In my head I'm like,
38:25I'm doing this for the plot, right?
38:27I'm gonna get some kind of story out of this
38:29whether this goes well or badly.
38:31You know,
38:32I'm gonna get some kind of...
38:33Either the story's gonna be,
38:34Oh my God.
38:35Remember Finlay had that threesome?
38:36Or the story's gonna be,
38:37Oh my God.
38:38Remember Finlay?
38:39So like, either way...
38:44I'm getting some kind of story, right?
38:46I get in their car.
38:48They hand me a drink.
38:50And I'm drinking with them.
38:51Chatting,
38:52Having a good time.
38:54I realise,
38:55Pretty quickly,
38:56That I've been drugged.
38:58Now,
38:59Joke's on them.
39:01I love drugs.
39:02The stuff that they spike me with,
39:07I recognised it.
39:08I spike myself with it all the time.
39:10It's a drug called Diazepam.
39:13It's a drug called Diazepam.
39:15It's part of the Benzodiazepine family.
39:18A family I love more than my own.
39:23So I'm in the car.
39:26They've tried to knock me out.
39:27It's not worked.
39:30I'm looking at them.
39:31Do you guys have any more, actually?
39:32They go into plan B.
39:37The driver...
39:38So I'm in the passenger seat.
39:39Woman in the driver's seat.
39:40Woman in the back seat.
39:41Woman in the driver's seat.
39:42She reached into my trousers.
39:45She went,
39:46Ooh.
39:49You got a fat cock.
39:52Give me your credit card.
39:53I'll go buy us some condoms.
39:55Alarm bells should have been going.
40:04Because I do not have a fat cock.
40:13But apparently,
40:14if you tell me I have a fat cock,
40:17I'll give you my credit card.
40:22I'm like, where I'm from,
40:23we call it a chubby willy.
40:24There you go.
40:29So I'm a car down.
40:30I'm still in their car, though.
40:31So I'm thinking,
40:32they're going to come back.
40:33They do come back.
40:35We're driving along.
40:36I'm out of it.
40:38I'm in a Hawaiian shirt.
40:41Well, actually,
40:42it was just a normal shirt,
40:43but it was from Hawaii.
40:45And then we get to where I think their place is.
40:48I'm excited.
40:50They're like,
40:51Oh, we're here.
40:52I'm like, yes.
40:53I'm in the car door.
40:54Get out of the car.
40:55Shut the car door behind me.
40:57And the car screeches off.
41:00Down the road.
41:01Just a dot on the horizon.
41:02I check my pockets.
41:03I don't have my phone.
41:04Or my card.
41:06I was like, fair enough.
41:07You know what I mean?
41:08It was like 80, 20, get robbed, have a threesome.
41:11I rolled the dice.
41:17You would have done the same thing, you know.
41:20Managed to find my way home.
41:22Found my way home.
41:24Woke up the next morning.
41:26Checked my online banking.
41:27They spent a grand on my card.
41:28Got that refunded from the bank, though.
41:32Had to get a new phone.
41:34But I needed a new phone.
41:37So really...
41:41I just spent the difference in price of the phone to get in a car, get some drugs, have a fat cock for 12 minutes.
41:51I robbed them.
42:05I feel bad.
42:09I called my mum that morning.
42:10I didn't know what else to do.
42:11I called my mum.
42:12I told her it was that mum I got robbed.
42:15She was like, are you hurt?
42:16I said, no.
42:18She said, did they have a gun?
42:19I said, no.
42:23She said, well, how...
42:28How did you get robbed?
42:36I was like, they had a gun.
42:37I forgot.
42:38She's like, they said you had a fat cock, didn't they?
42:55This has been pretty cool, this.
42:58Um, yeah.
43:03Cheers.
43:04Yeah.
43:06Cheers.
43:08Cheers.
43:09Cheers.
43:11Well done.
43:13Give it up for Finley Christie.
43:16Have you had a fantastic night, Apollo?
43:19Yes.
43:20Yes, you sexy witch.
43:22All right.
43:23Let's give it up one more time for all the acts you've seen tonight.
43:25Give it up for Susie Ruffell.
43:26Vinley Christie, and I've been Desiree Burch.
43:34And you've been an absolute pleasure.
43:36Good night, Apollo!
43:56Thank you very much.
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