- 17 hours ago
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TVTranscript
00:00...of chaos and despair.
00:03Look who's in a cheery mood.
00:06Some bookstore must have closed and turned into a nude dispensary, huh?
00:10I went to an estate sale.
00:13This lady had the coolest stuff.
00:15And after I eliminated everything she could have died in, on, or under,
00:18I bought this.
00:21Huh. Actually looks like a knockoff of a Frank Matringa.
00:24A very famous California potter.
00:27Hmm. But I'm sure the only potter you know is Harry.
00:32Business has been great, so I thought I'd treat myself.
00:35And I haven't bought any art since I got that poster of a cat
00:37reading the newspaper on the toilet that I hung above the toilet.
00:41Ah, hey.
00:43Um, you know where that would fit is up in my guest room.
00:48You mean my room?
00:49I thought you liked it.
00:51I do like it. It just doesn't fit the aesthetic here I've got going on.
00:55I'll put it like a millennial.
00:57I don't like the vibe, bro.
01:00What about my vibe, dude?
01:02God forbid I should have one thing in this house.
01:04Oh, wow. You've got two things.
01:06Georgia and that other one of, uh, Carlson...
01:10What was his name?
01:12Hey, guys.
01:13This is Carlos Joaquin de la Mancha, Kobe Bryant Martinez.
01:18But you can call him Charlie.
01:19Oh, he's so cute and tiny.
01:22Kind of makes me want to have another.
01:23No.
01:25A dog!
01:27Where? Hiding behind that little white rat?
01:30Lily's family needs to own a dog set while they're in San Diego.
01:33For a funeral, not for something fun.
01:36Actually, we are going to SeaWorld after the funeral and Legoland.
01:39It... it's not important.
01:42Well, then we could watch Charlie if that's okay.
01:45Of course.
01:45How about asking the homeowner?
01:47Please, Grandpa.
01:49He's adorbs.
01:50Who's going to boost my TikTok viewer retention?
01:53You are.
01:54Who's going to stay in a kennel all weekend?
01:57You are.
02:12He's here.
02:13Charlie, let's get you into hair and makeup for our first video.
02:18Why is he wearing a vest?
02:20Is he parking cars now?
02:21No, he's an emotional support animal.
02:25What emotions does he support?
02:27The only ones I feel are shame and embarrassment.
02:30Ignore him.
02:31The only emotional support animal he believes in is slow-cooked pork.
02:36Why are you being such a pain?
02:38You like dogs.
02:39I love dogs, but I like full-size regular dogs.
02:42Labradors, Rottweilers.
02:44That thing looks like Colonel Sanders made it with a LeBooBoo.
02:47Is that all of his stuff?
02:51Yeah, these are Charlie's treats, which aren't as good as they look.
03:01Look, if they didn't want me to eat them,
03:04shouldn't have made them look like little sausages.
03:06Oh, and here's his anti-anxiety meds.
03:11Ooh.
03:12Riley.
03:12What?
03:13I'm not stealing pills from a dog.
03:16The dosage is way too low.
03:19Oh, and here's his food.
03:21Billy has them on a strict, meat-free diet.
03:24The dog is a vegan?
03:25And what else is in there?
03:26Cashew lasagna and a fear of effort?
03:31Carter, put it down.
03:32What?
03:36I want healthy bones and a shiny coat.
03:38Shoot me.
03:43Yeah, this is going to be a bad-ass caddy.
03:45You know what you're doing is get your schematics together
03:47and start listing where you want to go with this.
03:49Yeah, boss.
03:50I'll get you on Saturday.
03:51All right, cool.
03:51You got a little hair on you.
03:52Oh, damn.
03:54I'm with that dog one day, and I've got hair all over me.
03:57Give me that.
03:58You know, I used to date a woman that was into that.
04:02Man, she used to dress me up like a Philly fanatic.
04:07Man, that woman was crazy.
04:09I should call her.
04:13You're near my back there.
04:14Can you grab that?
04:15Oh, all right.
04:18I feel like I need consent before I venture into the badonkadonk.
04:22Just keep rolling before I kick you in the badonkadonk.
04:26Get that junk off that dirty trunk!
04:28Easy.
04:28You guys really need an HR department.
04:32We don't need an HR department.
04:34We like being mean to each other around here.
04:37Hey, babe.
04:38You forgot your toothbrush last night.
04:40I didn't forget it.
04:41I thought maybe I could keep it at your place,
04:43since I'm spending so much time there.
04:45You guys are getting serious.
04:47I never even used to let women know where I live.
04:50My motto?
04:51Go find the freaky.
04:53Don't let the freaky find you.
04:55Well, we can't go to my place.
04:57I've got three roommates.
04:58And we're all dancers,
04:59so there's always one girl in the shower
05:01and another wrapped in a towel,
05:02banging on the door.
05:04Mm.
05:08You know what?
05:09Let me help you out.
05:11How about you move in with Gabe,
05:13and I move in with them?
05:14You move it in does kind of make sense.
05:19Really?
05:20Yeah, I'm there, like, every night,
05:21and you already moved in your toothbrush.
05:25Are you asking me to move in with you?
05:29Stitch started it.
05:33Yeah, why not?
05:35Not the most romantic thing I've ever heard,
05:37but sure, why not?
05:41Whoa, this is so exciting.
05:42All right, I'm gonna go break the news
05:47to my roommates.
05:48Right.
05:49The naked ones?
05:52Yeah, I'll do it.
05:53Stitch is a fourth floor walk-up.
05:55I'll make it work.
06:03You know, you got no nuts.
06:05That's empty calories.
06:07In his defense,
06:08he's like an old sea captain
06:09scratching a leg
06:10that hasn't been there for years.
06:12Hey, Pops,
06:15Eve sent a picture from her tour.
06:17I want to see.
06:17No.
06:18If your phone's anything like your laptop,
06:20I definitely don't want to see
06:21what's on there.
06:22All right.
06:23But I'm here when you're ready to heal,
06:25bro-chacho.
06:30Must be hard,
06:31hearing about Eve
06:32having all these incredible adventures.
06:33No, I'm having my own adventure here,
06:36looking at Gabe's punch list
06:37for that Cadillac,
06:38and he keeps putting a
06:39dancing girl emoji on here.
06:44Hey, hey, hey, hey!
06:46You just sent Gabe
06:47an eggplant emoji.
06:50Take the dog, okay?
06:51You need the dog out of here.
06:52Oh, really?
06:54I can't have a vase.
06:55I can't have a dog.
06:56I can't shout out the answers
06:57during Wheel of Fortune.
07:00You already saw that episode.
07:02It's the same thing over and over.
07:04It's your house,
07:05your rules,
07:05your guest room
07:06I have to share with your globe,
07:08where you've blacked out
07:08all the countries that are communist.
07:10Don't I get any say?
07:13It was bad enough
07:14when I was a teenager,
07:15but now I'm a mom
07:16and I run my own business.
07:17And I'm a homeowner.
07:18Why don't you get yourself
07:19your own home?
07:20You know what?
07:21I will.
07:21Well, good luck with that.
07:23I'm sick of not feeling welcome
07:24on what I thought
07:25was my own home.
07:26What you thought was wrong.
07:27Okay, that's it.
07:29Consider this by notice.
07:30We are moving out.
07:32And for your information,
07:34California's not a communist country.
07:38Just give it time.
07:40Oh, Gabe just sent me
07:45a heart emoji.
07:46You started sending these.
07:48Finish it off.
07:54Hey, do you guys know
07:55any apartments that are
07:56cheap but nice?
07:57Because the place I'm living in
07:58is free but mean.
08:00Well, you know,
08:01my neighbor's almost 100.
08:02I could startle him.
08:04Tell him I'm dating his granddaughter.
08:07Why would you want to move out?
08:08You get to live with Matt Parker.
08:11You should have seen
08:11what he texted me yesterday.
08:14I need my own space.
08:15But apartments are so expensive.
08:18Completely unrelated,
08:19these lattes are now $200.
08:23And don't forget to tip.
08:29It's not going to work.
08:31You know why?
08:31Because I don't think
08:32you're that cute.
08:32You're just an odd-looking dog.
08:34That's all there is to do.
08:40All right, all right, all right,
08:41all right, all right, all right.
08:43Okay.
08:44Gosh.
08:45Come in here.
08:46You know,
08:47the people that really like you,
08:48they're gone.
08:50Maybe for the weekend?
08:51Probably gone forever.
08:53Yeah.
08:54That's what Eve did to me.
08:55Gone forever.
08:56They're not gone forever.
09:08Look,
09:08don't tell anybody I did that.
09:11I'm going to make you watch
09:12those Sarah McLachlan commercials.
09:14Yeah.
09:15Yeah.
09:16That's pretty spooky, right?
09:17All right.
09:22A little cozy,
09:23but cute.
09:24What do you guys think?
09:26Smells kind of weird.
09:29And that's from the guy
09:30who's single-handedly
09:31keeping Pull My Finger Alive.
09:35Nice, huh?
09:36But it's a competitive market.
09:37You need to act fast.
09:39Look,
09:40she might fall for your
09:41manufactured scarcity trick,
09:43but we both know
09:44the market is softening.
09:46Pardon my daughter.
09:47She's getting her MBA
09:48from the University of Shark Tank.
09:51I'll ask you guys
09:52go check out the bedrooms.
09:54Remember,
09:54I need the bigger bedrooms
09:55for my crypto mining farm.
09:57Uh, sorry.
09:58No home businesses.
09:59It's not a business.
10:00It's a lifestyle.
10:03Ignore her.
10:03We're not high rollers.
10:06You didn't tell us
10:06we'd all have to share a bathroom.
10:09Yeah,
10:09it's not going to work for me.
10:10I need my tub time.
10:13Is that what you're calling it?
10:16I'll let you three
10:17discuss.
10:20Mom,
10:21we don't want to live here.
10:22We love living at Grandpa's.
10:24Yeah,
10:24his house is like a fancy hotel.
10:26In every room,
10:27there's a TV
10:28and a Bible.
10:30And he stole from
10:31a fancy hotel.
10:33But we're living
10:34under his thumb.
10:35Don't you hate being bossed around
10:37by an unforgiving tyrant?
10:38I mean,
10:39George has been around
10:40most of my life,
10:41so...
10:41When we lived in Vegas,
10:45we almost never saw
10:45Grandma and Grandpa.
10:47Now Grandma's gone.
10:48The way Pops eats red meat,
10:50clocks are ticking.
10:51Okay, fine.
10:55But don't worry,
10:56Grandpa's going to be here
10:56a long time.
10:57That's how evil works.
11:02All right,
11:03how about that?
11:04Ooh,
11:04like bacon,
11:05huh?
11:06That's good fat.
11:07Well,
11:08not according to Riley.
11:09If she was here,
11:10she'd say bad fat.
11:12Bad fat,
11:13good fat.
11:14I mean,
11:14the country's divided now,
11:15fat's got to make a choice.
11:19Yeah.
11:19You know what?
11:21I actually
11:21kind of like you.
11:22You know?
11:23Gotta say that, Chuck.
11:25Used to do dudes
11:26watching a little
11:27college basketball.
11:28What could be better, man?
11:29We don't need a woman
11:29telling us what to do today,
11:31do we, you know?
11:32I did like Eve,
11:33though, a lot.
11:35She's different.
11:36Opposites attract.
11:37Sometimes it's like
11:38bacon and lettuce.
11:39I don't understand
11:40why lettuce went to Korea
11:41when bacon said,
11:42I love you.
11:43That seems like...
11:43I like her a lot, though.
11:46Should I text her?
11:47Yeah, why would I text her?
11:49She's the one on the left, right?
11:51Hey, pups.
11:52Hi, Grandpa.
11:53Hey.
11:54Where's your mom?
11:55Oh, she dropped us off.
11:56She's going to meditate.
11:57It's the name of that new dispensary
11:59that used to be a bookstore.
12:02What are you doing?
12:03Charlie's not allowed
12:04to have bacon.
12:05You know what?
12:06I think that's really
12:07a St. Bernard
12:08trapped in a body
12:09because he didn't get
12:10enough protein.
12:11Pops, Lily said
12:12he has a severe allergy.
12:14Probably why he threw up
12:15so much to that.
12:16But I thought it was a chorizo.
12:18It's too spicy for a dog.
12:20You gave him chorizo, too?
12:22Quite a bit of it.
12:24We've got to take him
12:25to the vet.
12:25Pops, I know
12:26I'm new to dating,
12:27but if I kill Lily's dog,
12:29I'm never getting
12:29to first base.
12:30Trust me,
12:31that dog is eating
12:32a lot worse things
12:33than what I gave it.
12:38That's more than
12:38that dog weighs.
12:39Okay, maybe we should
12:40take the dog to the vet.
12:49Riley,
12:50what are you doing here?
12:51Uh,
12:51I had to get away
12:52from my dad
12:53before one of us
12:54murders the other
12:55in their sleep.
12:56Me,
12:57I'm the murderer.
12:59Also,
13:00I brought a housewarming
13:01gift for you
13:02and Amelie.
13:05Oh,
13:05thank you.
13:07This is so thoughtful.
13:09Where should I put it?
13:10Um,
13:12how about here?
13:15How's the apartment
13:16hunting doing?
13:17Terrible.
13:18Turns out it's tough
13:19to beat free
13:20at my dad's place.
13:21Yeah,
13:22and if you did find
13:23another place for free,
13:24you'd probably have to
13:24call that guy Daddy, too.
13:26What are you doing?
13:29I'm just getting rid
13:30of some of my stuff
13:31to make room
13:31for Amelie's stuff
13:32because you can't
13:33make room with a partner
13:34without making room
13:35for a partner.
13:37I listen to a podcast.
13:40Wow,
13:41big stuff.
13:41Good for you.
13:42Is it, though?
13:44I just,
13:44you know,
13:45don't really want
13:45to get rid of my stuff.
13:47I'm having second thoughts
13:48about living together.
13:50Uh-oh.
13:50You're getting cold feet?
13:51They're so cold,
13:52I can't feel them.
13:54It happens to everybody.
13:56I got cold feet
13:57right before I married
13:57that stupid son-of-a-bitch Jimmy.
14:01But you and Amelie
14:02are gonna be great.
14:04They're getting colder.
14:06They're ice.
14:07Gabe,
14:08this could be good for you.
14:09It's therapeutic
14:10to do a little spring cleaning.
14:11Get rid of stuff
14:12that doesn't bring you joy.
14:15Good news, babe.
14:16Oh, hey, Riley.
14:17I found some amazing
14:19accent pillows.
14:20Oh, great.
14:22Maybe you could use them
14:23to smother my joy!
14:27What?
14:29I've been talking to Riley.
14:32I realize
14:33I'm making a big mistake.
14:35I can't do this!
14:40What did you say to him?
14:42I didn't say anything!
14:43I love an accent pillow,
14:46especially if it's
14:47an Australian accent.
14:48Oh, crikey!
14:49That's not a pillow!
14:51That's a pillow!
14:51What's he in for?
15:05He had a panic attack.
15:08Maybe because
15:08you're making him
15:09wear a bow tie.
15:11And it looks like
15:11a dancer at a
15:12bachelorette strip party.
15:15He's dressed for his birthday
15:17and now you've ruined it.
15:18Hey, how was
15:22house hunting today?
15:23Well, the places
15:24weren't great, but
15:25at least they were
15:26out of our price range.
15:28We told Mom
15:29we don't want to move.
15:30I just don't think
15:31at this age
15:31I meant to live
15:32an uncomfortable life.
15:35We love your place.
15:37All the bathrooms
15:37have locks.
15:40I get the idea
15:40your mom was miserable.
15:43Mostly because
15:43she told me
15:44I was making her miserable.
15:46She doesn't mean it.
15:47In Vegas
15:48we were always
15:49moving from place to place.
15:50She hated it.
15:52Remember that time
15:53I lived at Circus Circus?
15:55It was awful, awful.
15:58No, no, it wasn't.
15:59That Elvis impersonator
16:01taught me long division.
16:03Divide by two
16:04carry the hogga hogga
16:05burning wine.
16:08I think Mom
16:09just wants a place
16:09that she can call her out.
16:13She never told me
16:14any of this.
16:14Charlie is fine.
16:17You can take him home.
16:18Thanks, Doc.
16:19You're helping
16:19a young boy
16:20become a man.
16:22How much do you charge
16:23a newter or a kid?
16:26Listen, uh,
16:27dog's okay, though?
16:28100%.
16:28Excellent.
16:29Gave him a very thorough exam.
16:30Top to bottom.
16:31Inside and out.
16:36What's going on?
16:38Why is he having
16:39second thoughts?
16:40He's just freaking out
16:41about getting rid of his stuff.
16:42It happened to my grandmother.
16:43Of course, she was a hoarder
16:44and I was throwing away
16:45a 14-year-old can of peaches.
16:48What is with him?
16:49I don't understand
16:50why he's hanging
16:50on to his junk.
16:51Don't all men
16:52like to hang on
16:53to their junk?
16:55The thing is,
16:56it's not actually
16:56junk to Gabe.
16:58Did he ever tell you
16:59about his childhood?
17:00No.
17:01He never talks
17:02about that stuff.
17:03Well, it was pretty crappy.
17:05Not a lot of great memories.
17:06This stuff reminds him
17:07of the good times
17:08like this plastic cup.
17:11My dad took Gabe
17:12and my brother
17:12to this game
17:13the night Gabe's dad left.
17:14And then Gabe's dad
17:16blew him off
17:17on his birthday,
17:18so we surprised him
17:18with a trip
17:19to medieval times.
17:20And after I told
17:21the Green Knight,
17:22Gabe had stage 4 eczema,
17:23so we let him
17:24pet his horse.
17:27I had no idea.
17:28Now I feel bad
17:29that I was pressuring Gabe
17:30to get rid of his stuff.
17:32Well, maybe you should
17:32tell him that.
17:34Hi.
17:35I wasn't eavesdropping,
17:38but I accept
17:40your apology.
17:41Just so you know,
17:42you can talk to me
17:43about anything,
17:44even your childhood.
17:46I know.
17:47It's just,
17:47it's hard for me
17:48to talk about things
17:49that make me sad.
17:50It's like when McDonald's
17:52was serving breakfast
17:52all day
17:53and then they just stopped.
17:55Yeah,
17:56with zero warning.
17:59Continue?
18:02It's gonna work out, babe.
18:03We're gonna be so happy here.
18:08Okay.
18:11I should go.
18:13Uh, with this.
18:16And I think I'll treat myself
18:18to the director's cut
18:20of Encino Man.
18:22Ah, what a life I lead.
18:28Look at the tail
18:29on that thing.
18:29You're watching
18:32Turner and Hooch?
18:34Yeah.
18:36The dog is a good actor, right?
18:38The Tom Hanks?
18:39Eh, I don't know.
18:42I know.
18:43It just said that.
18:45By the way,
18:46don't worry about the vase.
18:47It's going back in my room.
18:48Sorry.
18:49Your guest room.
18:51How about just put it
18:52on our credenza?
18:53Wait,
18:55did you say R?
18:56Well,
18:57there's my buddy
18:57Carlos Joaquin
18:58de la Ventura.
18:59Kobe Bryant.
19:00Martinez says,
19:01mi casa
19:02es su casa.
19:05Thanks, Dad.
19:06There's a little caveat, though.
19:07Ah, Dios mio.
19:10Listen,
19:11let's have you start
19:12paying me rent,
19:13but we'll put that
19:13into a savings account
19:14and pretty soon
19:15you'll have down payment
19:15and get your own house.
19:16Thanks, Dad.
19:19Although,
19:20by then,
19:21this will be my home
19:22and your home
19:23will be, well,
19:24a home.
19:27Okay,
19:28do we have a deal?
19:29This is our house
19:30with our rules.
19:32Deal?
19:34Speaking of,
19:35I was thinking
19:35we could get solar panels
19:36and, uh...
19:37No, no.
19:38This is a house.
19:40It's not some hippie commune
19:41in the People's Republic
19:42of Portland.
19:44Exactly.
19:46Here you go.
19:51First rent check.
19:53Feels good to be independent.
19:55Oh.
19:56If you really want
19:56to feel independent,
19:57I could take you
19:58off the family phone plan.
19:59Ugh.
20:00Easy, Tiger.
20:01That check isn't cleared yet.
20:08Why are you putting that there?
20:09It looks better here.
20:10I'm sorry.
20:11What'd you say, Charlie?
20:13Exactly.
20:14I agree.
20:14You said it doesn't fit there.
20:16What happened
20:17to our house,
20:18our rules?
20:18It's just too big
20:19for the space.
20:20You gave birth to Carter,
20:21you get it.
20:24Oh?
20:24Mm-hmm.
20:26Carter!
20:27Your girlfriend's here.
20:28Oh, we're not using
20:29traditional labels.
20:30We're going with Boo
20:31and Bay.
20:34Boo Bay.
20:35You really are a man's best friend.
20:41You saw that.
20:44Thanks for taking care of Charlie.
20:46Well, of course.
20:47We'll miss him.
20:49Did you want to say goodbye, Dad?
20:51Sure.
20:52One more belly rub.
20:53Come here, boy.
20:54Come over here.
20:54You really are a man's best friend.
21:05faults.
21:07My arm's best friend.
21:08Who's the hardest one does?
21:10Really?
21:10You're gonna be too late.
21:10My super friends alt in school,
21:11you're gonna do it.
21:12I got more父.
21:12I get a child.
21:13We're gonna do it again.
21:14We're gonna take care of somebody else.
21:15And then in my shortcut,
21:15we'll be out of Yo!
21:16And then the bedroom plus behind him.
21:17I go the ditch accessible.
21:19And then they'll do it again.
21:20It's all nice.
21:22It'll give us an anniversary.
21:24So now we look at our public
21:25tree.
21:25It looks what we're doing today.
21:27I feel like a giant tea tree.
21:28It's amazing!
21:29Hey, families.
21:30It looks like a giantì¹´ alphabet.
21:31We'll definitely see you there.
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