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00:00:00A new album and a new eye job.
00:00:03Oh, growl up!
00:00:04With your roast master, Kathy Griffin.
00:00:08A woman you make 90s, 20 mistakes right away, you're a tramp.
00:00:11And roasters, Brad Garrett, Greg Giraldo.
00:00:16Oh, please!
00:00:17Tom Arnold.
00:00:19My body is falling so goddamn pants.
00:00:21My gynecologist wears a hard hat.
00:00:24Jeffrey Ross.
00:00:26Whitney Cummings.
00:00:27Gilbert Gottfried.
00:00:30Are you crazy?
00:00:31Robin Quivers.
00:00:33Mario Cantone.
00:00:34Don Rickles.
00:00:36Oh, my God!
00:00:37Donald Trump.
00:00:39And Carl Reiner.
00:00:41He works as a God I've given you.
00:00:43And I've got it.
00:00:45This is the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers.
00:00:51Brought to you by Taco Bell and MGD64.
00:00:56And now, please welcome your roast master, Kathy Griffin.
00:01:02Hello, hello, hello.
00:01:15Hello, hello, hello.
00:01:17We are here to celebrate the career of a groundbreaking comedian, a hugely successful woman, celebrity
00:01:25apprentice champ, a true comedy icon, and a legendary bitch.
00:01:33Tonight, we're here for the one and only Joan F***ing Rivers.
00:01:37Give it up!
00:01:37Give it up!
00:01:44Yeah.
00:01:45We can only pray Joan will have half as big a nervous breakdown as she did on The Celebrity
00:01:51Apprentice.
00:01:52That was juicy, wasn't it?
00:01:53Poker player, white trash, you're worse than Hitler!
00:01:59Worse than Hitler.
00:02:02And she still won.
00:02:05That's kind of the best part, isn't it?
00:02:09You know why?
00:02:11Because Joan has got the biggest and maybe hairiest balls in this room.
00:02:15Next to Brad Garrett.
00:02:19Now, look at all the talent Joan brought out tonight.
00:02:25Oh, f***.
00:02:27Forget the D-list.
00:02:28When I'm the biggest star in the room, you're f***ed.
00:02:32And what an honor to have a true comedy icon here tonight, Mr. Carl Reiner.
00:02:36You're barely lucky.
00:02:43Luckiest people in the world.
00:02:47Carl, you're a barely living legend.
00:02:52Now, you remember Joan, don't you, Carl?
00:02:55God made her out of one of your ribs.
00:03:01Now, as you know, Joan and I share a large gay following.
00:03:06And he's here tonight.
00:03:12Let's hear it for Brad Garrett.
00:03:14Good for him.
00:03:19Brad, Brad, Brad, look at you.
00:03:21Sitting there with a gut full of resentment.
00:03:24And by resentment, I mean Ray Romano's semen.
00:03:31Good.
00:03:33But for all of you homophobes out there,
00:03:36beware, tonight is going to be gayer than that kid from American Idol this year.
00:03:41Brian Seacrest.
00:03:46But let's talk about the real queen of comedy.
00:03:49Not only is Joan a comedian,
00:03:51she's an author, director,
00:03:53and most importantly, she's still breathing.
00:03:54And now, let's do what everyone is afraid to do.
00:03:59Take a close look at Joan Rivers.
00:04:02Ladies and gentlemen, a semi-legal in her own lifetime is Joan Rivers.
00:04:07Joan Rivers.
00:04:09Joan Rivers.
00:04:10I thought she was dead.
00:04:11Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is my little pixie friend, Joan Rivers.
00:04:15Joan Alexander Malinsky.
00:04:17Born in Brooklyn, raised in Larchmont, graduated from Barnard by Beta Kappa.
00:04:21$125,000 on plastic surgery.
00:04:24Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
00:04:25Are you kidding?
00:04:26Everything.
00:04:27And you know when it's too much?
00:04:28When you go to the bathroom, you have to wipe your ears.
00:04:30That's when you stop.
00:04:32Oh, I've been around.
00:04:33I haven't just gotten here.
00:04:34Oh, no.
00:04:35Even you, Mr. Sullivan.
00:04:37You know what he did to me last year?
00:04:38Made me follow an elephant.
00:04:40You look at me, and I know you think a great star.
00:04:44Bitch.
00:04:44But I'm lonely.
00:04:47Who's going to f*** me tonight?
00:04:49I love you, Joan.
00:04:49You know I would have sex with you, but I'm afraid that we're cousins.
00:04:53Yes!
00:04:55Hello, everybody.
00:04:56I am Joan Rivers.
00:04:57We're at the Oscars.
00:04:58Then we're going to go to the Grommies.
00:05:00And then we'll take back the right carpet.
00:05:02And here you are!
00:05:04Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:05:07How can we talk?
00:05:08Oh, well, oh.
00:05:09Where are my games?
00:05:11I'm on the goddamn red carpet at 2 o'clock in the afternoon in the sun like a hooker in Miami.
00:05:15I am so sorry for this already.
00:05:17I'm the rock, Tim.
00:05:17Saying things like, who you wearing?
00:05:19This is pathetic.
00:05:20Oh, come on now.
00:05:21Where is your mother?
00:05:22Who the f*** are you?
00:05:23Flea Majors.
00:05:25Flea Majors, thank you.
00:05:26MJ Hammer.
00:05:27Jessica, Jessica.
00:05:28Jessica.
00:05:29Now, what about your private life?
00:05:31What?
00:05:32Our private life?
00:05:33Thank you for making me look like an ass.
00:05:35Up to you, Melissa.
00:05:36The Celebrity Apprentice.
00:05:38You're a despicable human being.
00:05:40Joe, she does seem nice.
00:05:41So is Hitler.
00:05:42And Buchenwald.
00:05:43I think she's kind of a crazy bitch.
00:05:48I despise Annie.
00:05:49I'm going to crush you, Joe.
00:05:50How dare you?
00:05:51You're a poker player.
00:05:53That's beyond white trash.
00:05:54Whether I win or lose, I won.
00:05:56My charity is known now all over the world.
00:05:59So we won.
00:05:59You make me laugh all the time.
00:06:03You're stupid best.
00:06:04John Livers is the best.
00:06:06John Livers is the best.
00:06:07Humor was born in me.
00:06:09The gift of humor.
00:06:10And by going on this show,
00:06:11if I can make one person out there
00:06:13in video lands better.
00:06:14And if I can pick a lot of money for doing it.
00:06:28Please welcome our guest of honor this evening,
00:06:31my biggest idol, still edgy, still offensive,
00:06:34and still foxy after all these years,
00:06:37Joan Rivers!
00:06:38Everybody!
00:07:02Everybody, Brad and Angelina are having a garage sale.
00:07:08Look at this.
00:07:10Look at this.
00:07:12It's almost like new.
00:07:13Turn around.
00:07:14I mean, and this one speaks English.
00:07:15Say something.
00:07:17That's enough.
00:07:18All right.
00:07:18All right, kids, go make jewelry.
00:07:25I hate jewelry.
00:07:32Now, a lot of people are going to joyously say a lot of terrible things about you tonight,
00:07:50Joan, but as the saying goes, sticks and stones may break your bones, but at your age, you
00:07:56could actually break a hip taking a shit.
00:07:57When Joan was born, the doctors took a look at her and said, holy shit, we're going to
00:08:04make a fortune on this one.
00:08:07Then they got on the Mayflower and set sail for America.
00:08:14Our Joan started out in Brooklyn as little Joan Malinsky.
00:08:19You know, my Joanie, Jewish girls are supposed to grow up and marry doctors, not support them.
00:08:23Joan is not an Orthodox Jew, but men still fuck her through a sheet so they don't have
00:08:29to look at that face.
00:08:36Now, I've done my research, and I read that you had your first face job at the age of 32.
00:08:41You swallowed, wiped off the rest, and then went in for some plastic surgery.
00:08:48Joan, can we talk?
00:08:50My guess is you don't have much of a sex life anymore.
00:08:52The only people you're screwing these days are your customers at QVC.
00:08:59By the way, I've got the earrings on.
00:09:00I've got the earrings on.
00:09:01I've got the earrings on.
00:09:02Joan Rivers' collection.
00:09:02I love them.
00:09:04Now, look, I know you like to stay current, Joan.
00:09:06You wear chic couture clothing.
00:09:09You're on Facebook.
00:09:10You've got your own website.
00:09:11You know, you should think about maybe doing a sex tape.
00:09:14Can you guys imagine Joan Rivers doing a sex tape?
00:09:16No, seriously, take a moment.
00:09:18Close your eyes and really picture it.
00:09:20Actually, for Joan, sex tape is what she uses to keep her vagina from sliding down her pant leg.
00:09:30It's different than Lindsay.
00:09:31For Lindsay, it's a whole new meaning.
00:09:33Joan, look, you know I adore you.
00:09:36You're an inspiration to me.
00:09:37You have made it possible, certainly, for every female comedian to work.
00:09:40You're a trailblazer.
00:09:42You're the first and last woman in the history of network late night to have a show.
00:09:45You put the red carpet on the map.
00:09:47Nobody watched the red carpet before Joan.
00:09:49You put that whole thing on the map.
00:09:53You got a fantastic career.
00:09:54You're famous all over the world.
00:09:56And no matter where you go or who you meet, everyone says the same thing.
00:09:59Your gynecologist said the first time he took a look at you.
00:10:02What an ugly cout.
00:10:03Honestly, Joan, you're my favorite.
00:10:07You know that.
00:10:07So let the roasting begin.
00:10:13All right, our first roaster tonight is Mr. Greg Giraldo, which is, I know, which is
00:10:20the most insulting thing you could possibly call someone.
00:10:23He's going to make you laugh and then you'll forget him.
00:10:26And please welcome the wholarious Greg Giraldo.
00:10:39Thank you, Tranny Bonaduce.
00:10:46Kathy, you look like Ronald McDonald.
00:10:48F*** Lucille Ball's corpse and pushed it down a flight of stairs.
00:10:52Holy shit.
00:10:54What's with all the surgery, Kathy?
00:10:56Lord, you've been stitched up thousands of times, but you're still sad to look at.
00:11:00You're like the AIDS quilt.
00:11:05What a night.
00:11:06A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed little monster
00:11:11who's obsessed with jewelry.
00:11:12It's like the Lord of the Rings.
00:11:18The, uh...
00:11:20The great Carl Reiner's here.
00:11:24This is very exciting.
00:11:25Yes.
00:11:28Carl.
00:11:30Carl!
00:11:32Carl, you're a legend and you're awesome in Ocean's Eleven.
00:11:35But seriously, why would you do a movie with Brad Pitt and George Clooney?
00:11:40You're ugly when they're not standing next to you.
00:11:42Brad Pitt and you, it was like Beauty and the Deceased.
00:11:48You are such a comedy icon that Joan made one of those shitty watches she sells on QVC after you.
00:11:55It's, uh, it's the Carl Reiner edition.
00:11:57It's got liver-spotted hands and it's running out of time.
00:12:04Robin Quivers.
00:12:05Robin, you look like a syrup bottle.
00:12:08And...
00:12:08I don't mean to sound crass, but you must have an enormous p***y.
00:12:16You're like Aunt Vagina.
00:12:18Seriously.
00:12:18Mario Cantone is here.
00:12:23Mario!
00:12:25You are one tiny loudmouth fairy.
00:12:29You're the only guy who takes a stepladder into a glory hole.
00:12:33You're...
00:12:33Your father must have been devastated when you came out of the cupboard.
00:12:42Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond, huh?
00:12:44Holy s***.
00:12:45You are a f***ing monster, Brad.
00:12:49How'd you ever get your head so far up Ray Romano's ass with those bolts in your neck?
00:12:56And...
00:12:56Whitney...
00:12:57Whitney Cummings is here for some reason.
00:13:01I guess, uh...
00:13:03I guess since Kathy and Joan have huge gay followings,
00:13:05we needed someone with no following.
00:13:08Whitney...
00:13:08Whitney's a girl who obviously knows the answer to the question,
00:13:12Hey, who do you have to blow to get on one of these roasts?
00:13:16And speaking of degrading yourself sexually to get ahead in show business,
00:13:21Tom Arnold is here.
00:13:23Tom.
00:13:26It is great you can take time out from being Roseanne's ex-husband to be here.
00:13:32Tom, you twitchy spaz.
00:13:34Joan actually named another one of her shitty watches after you, too.
00:13:42It's the Tom Arnold that never stops ticking and used to come in a giant hairy box.
00:13:48And finally...
00:13:51Finally, we get to comedy legend and irritating Jewish lady,
00:13:57Gilbert Gottfried is here, everybody, huh?
00:14:00Gilbert!
00:14:02Holy s***, Gilbert.
00:14:03You look like you smell like pee.
00:14:06And...
00:14:06Gilbert's famously cheap.
00:14:09I'm impressed you're here, Gilbert, you know,
00:14:11because, uh...
00:14:11You know, when you do these things, you've got to buy new clothes,
00:14:13you've got to take a week off from work,
00:14:14but you showed up, you tightened your belt, and you came.
00:14:17You're like David Carradine.
00:14:19You're like David Carradine.
00:14:20And...
00:14:21Yeah.
00:14:23A sympathetic figure, if ever there was one.
00:14:28And now, it really is my honor to talk about comedy great Joan Rivers.
00:14:33Joan Rivers, everybody.
00:14:35This is exciting.
00:14:37Joan, you are one irritating Jew broad.
00:14:41The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.
00:14:45What have you done to your upper lip?
00:14:46Did you blow a beehive?
00:14:48Holy s***, the last time I saw something that inflated,
00:14:51it was floating over Yankee Stadium.
00:14:53You look like Steven Tyler f***ed a life raft.
00:14:57Seriously, you're not the only one here.
00:14:59All these rubber-faced monsters...
00:15:00What the f***?
00:15:02What goes into people's heads out here?
00:15:04Why?
00:15:05Did you really...
00:15:06Really?
00:15:06Is that...
00:15:07Good?
00:15:08How much worse could your real face look
00:15:11than that clown mask you've had welded on your head?
00:15:14You...
00:15:15You used to look your age.
00:15:18Now you don't even look your species.
00:15:21You...
00:15:22You once said you succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking,
00:15:25and that's not true.
00:15:26It's not true.
00:15:27I never heard you say,
00:15:28Holy s***, what the f*** did I do to my face?
00:15:30I look like a surprised catfish.
00:15:36Joe, you really are an absolutely incredible talent.
00:15:39You're absolutely hysterical.
00:15:40Every comic I know respects you.
00:15:43That's a God's honest truth.
00:15:44Everyone thinks you're hilarious.
00:15:45I think you're the best.
00:15:46And at your age, you're still relevant, still cool,
00:15:48and s***, you even got a boob job just a few years ago.
00:15:51You're every man's dream.
00:15:53And by that, I mean every man that dreams of titty f***ing a crocodile.
00:15:56Thank you very much. Congratulations, Joe.
00:16:02The Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers is brought to you by MGD64 and Taco Bell.
00:16:10Coming up on The Roast of Joan Rivers...
00:16:12Jeffrey Ross, Brad Garrett, Robin Quivers, Carl Reiner, Tom Arnold, Mario Cantone, and Joan Rivers.
00:16:20Can you say, make me rich?
00:16:23Make me rich!
00:16:26We have a very special treat tonight.
00:16:32Joan's Plastic Surgeon is here.
00:16:34Ladies and gentlemen, Dexter.
00:16:36Dexter.
00:16:38Congratulations.
00:16:39Yeah.
00:16:41Oh, God, he chopped up the bits, didn't he?
00:16:43Now, look.
00:16:44Our next roaster is Mario Cantone.
00:16:46You know him from Sex and the City and Sex and His Shitter.
00:16:50Straight man of America, let me introduce you to someone you've never seen and never will again.
00:16:55Mario Cantone!
00:16:57Mario Cantone!
00:17:08Oh!
00:17:10So warm.
00:17:10Thank you, Kathy, for that warm introduction said through your plastic surgery gone awry.
00:17:16I always wanted to know what Andy Dick looked like if he went to the gym.
00:17:25Joan, your face is like the war in Iraq, an expensive bloody mess that everybody's tired of seeing on TV.
00:17:33Joan's Hebrew name is Nip-Tuch.
00:17:37This is Joan looking in the mirror.
00:17:46Who are you?
00:17:47She outlasted all the dead people that should be here roasting her.
00:17:58I know Betty Davis, stroke and all, is looking up from hell just going,
00:18:04Joan Rivers, we are all waiting for you down here, waiting for you and your immobile face.
00:18:14Yes, I had a stroke, you know, yes, I had a stroke, but I never had any work done.
00:18:20No, no, I did it the hard way.
00:18:24You were the smart one, Joan.
00:18:27You had plastic surgery early on.
00:18:31So, after your stroke, no one could ever tell.
00:18:35And I know Judy Garland is looking down from heaven.
00:18:41She's looking down.
00:18:43Joan, Joan, it's time.
00:18:46You've had a marvelous, marvelous life, but you're old and wicked.
00:18:51You know, I first met Joan when my house fell on her sister.
00:18:54This is Joan writing a joke.
00:19:00I need new material.
00:19:01Okay.
00:19:03Oh, I'm in the Jacksonville.
00:19:05If Catherine doesn't take the kids, Diana.
00:19:08If Diana doesn't want them, I'll take them.
00:19:10What am I going to do with three little white Gentiles and one named Blanket?
00:19:14I'll change his name to Afghan and send them all QVC.
00:19:17Is it too soon?
00:19:19Melissa, is it too soon?
00:19:22Melissa, I saw that movie you guys did together.
00:19:25Fantastic.
00:19:26Great TV movie the two of you did about their lives, mother and daughter.
00:19:30It was called Grey Gardens.
00:19:35Melissa, I'm hungry.
00:19:36Get me some canned food.
00:19:38Mother, I can't find the canned opener.
00:19:41Use my teacher in a jaw by the sink.
00:19:46And you were brilliant in the vagina monologues.
00:19:49My vagina talks and talks and talks
00:19:51and doesn't know what the f**k it's saying.
00:19:53That's not true.
00:19:54My vagina does talk.
00:19:55And all it says is water, water.
00:19:59Oil can, oil can.
00:20:03I adore you.
00:20:04And that is the reason why I'm here.
00:20:06I think you're brilliant.
00:20:07You're funnier now than ever.
00:20:10And that is honestly the truth.
00:20:12I mean, you've always been brilliant.
00:20:13You're genius.
00:20:14So I adore you.
00:20:15And I thank you very much.
00:20:16And thank you very much.
00:20:17And now I'm going to do something that never happens during a Hollywood pitch meeting.
00:20:33I'm going to bring up Tom Arnold.
00:20:34Ladies and gentlemen, the producers have asked that during his performance,
00:20:42all exits be made in a quiet and orderly fashion.
00:20:47And now the worst damn comedian period, Tom Arnold.
00:20:51Mario, thanks for lowering the bar, because I don't think I could have followed Greg.
00:21:04Anyway.
00:21:05You know, Kathy dated the Apple computer billionaire Steve Wozniak.
00:21:16Then he dumped her.
00:21:18I guess because her face is such a pop-up blocker.
00:21:28Yeah, you know, it must feel good for Brad Garrett to be here roasting Joan Rivers.
00:21:32Because usually when Brad's spending the night slamming an ugly old whore,
00:21:36it costs Ray Romano $200.
00:21:41Ray Romano.
00:21:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:21:44Oh, my God, it's Tyler Perry.
00:21:45No, no.
00:21:46Oh, I'm sorry.
00:21:47Robin, I apologize.
00:21:49I apologize.
00:21:52I.
00:21:53Oh.
00:21:54Oh.
00:21:55Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:21:59Greg Giraldo.
00:22:02When is Hollywood going to give up on you, buddy?
00:22:05You can kill a pilot faster than a flock of seagulls.
00:22:09Hold on.
00:22:10Hold on.
00:22:10Hold on.
00:22:10I got to do this.
00:22:11I got to do this.
00:22:12Hang with me.
00:22:13Hang with me here.
00:22:13Okay.
00:22:14Tell me how I do.
00:22:15Greg Giraldo.
00:22:27When is Hollywood going to give up on this guy?
00:22:30He can kill a pilot faster than a flock of geese carrying box cutters.
00:22:37Greg Giraldo.
00:22:38He's got two G's in his name and only 50 bucks in the bank.
00:22:46Wait, wait.
00:22:47Do the other one again, but just try it with a better punchline.
00:22:50Which one?
00:22:51Which one?
00:22:53They're both good.
00:22:54All right.
00:22:56Mario Cantone.
00:22:57Hey, buddy.
00:22:58Now Mario's in the movies.
00:22:59He was in that Sex and the City.
00:23:01And every time the director said, take five, Mario's boyfriend would shove his fist up his ass.
00:23:10Do you guys really do that?
00:23:14That's funny.
00:23:17Hey, Whitney Cummings.
00:23:21There.
00:23:21Right there.
00:23:22You know, no roast is complete without an anonymous lesb...
00:23:26Let me do it again.
00:23:28You know where I'm at.
00:23:29Hey, Whitney Cummings.
00:23:31Hey, hey.
00:23:32You know, no roast is complete without an anonymous...
00:23:35How can I not say f***ing anonymous?
00:23:37I mean, hey, hey, hey, for God's sake.
00:23:42F*** me.
00:23:44You look like you've had some work done.
00:23:50Have you?
00:23:51No.
00:23:51No.
00:23:52Okay, sorry.
00:23:55Gilbert Gottfried, what happened to your career?
00:23:58You couldn't fill a comedy club if you were sitting on Jeff Dunham's lap.
00:24:04With his hand up your ass.
00:24:07It's a real treat for me to be here with the great Carl Reiner.
00:24:10And I don't know if you know this, but he received the Mark Twain Prize for Humor.
00:24:15True?
00:24:16True, Carl?
00:24:16Yes, yes, yes.
00:24:17Yes.
00:24:18That's true.
00:24:19I mean, the guy, what can you say?
00:24:21And then ten years later, Mark Twain received the Carl Reiner Prize for Humor, which was...
00:24:31And now, on to the guest of honor, Ms. Joan Rivers.
00:24:35You know, I heard you spent over a hundred grand on your face, and I'm going to tell you
00:24:44something, that was money well spent.
00:24:46That baby is tight.
00:24:48And you know the old saying, you don't f*** a face?
00:24:51Well, in your case, I'll take my chances.
00:24:54Plus, that work is going to save your daughter, Melissa, a fortune in taxidermy costs, so she
00:24:59can still cart you around and keep her career going.
00:25:07Hey, hey, hey!
00:25:09I don't mean to...
00:25:10I don't mean to sound judgmental.
00:25:13I just hate it when someone uses a much more famous relative to further their own career.
00:25:21Melissa, that's my gig, bitch.
00:25:24Okay, say what you want about Joan Rivers, but she's an icon, a real diva, which, by the
00:25:32way, is what they call a c*** when she's still sitting in the room.
00:25:40Believe me, I know.
00:25:43But I seriously, I love and respect you.
00:25:45I watched that Ed Sullivan with my father when I was a kid back in Iowa.
00:25:50At an age when most people take it easy because they're dead, you keep getting bigger.
00:25:56But more importantly, Joan keeps the comedy coming, saying things that would destroy a
00:26:01younger, less senile comics career.
00:26:04Thank you, Joan.
00:26:10Coming up, Jeffrey Ross.
00:26:12Joan Rivers is the best target.
00:26:13It could have been a four-part miniseries.
00:26:15Carl Reiner and Joan Rivers.
00:26:17It's a 10-year friendship.
00:26:19Yes.
00:26:19Which may be over tonight, which I think is very exciting.
00:26:24Good evening, America.
00:26:25I'm Donald Trump.
00:26:26And I'm not here to tell you roast jokes.
00:26:29Frankly, it's beneath me.
00:26:31And in fact, even doing cable, I only do network.
00:26:34I don't do this kind of stuff.
00:26:36And I don't like it.
00:26:37I'm here to announce my greatest, most ambitious construction project yet.
00:26:43To Joan Rivers' facial and body renovation.
00:26:46And that is a big job.
00:26:48That's right.
00:26:50Joan, I, Donald Trump, have agreed to finance and oversee your complete overhaul.
00:26:56My trained eye tells me, since 1982, you've been condemned from the waist down.
00:27:02And like most dilapidated structures, you haven't been entered in decades.
00:27:07But I, Donald Trump, promise you no expense will be spared in your reconstruction.
00:27:14We'll tent you, fumigate you, and if necessary, send in a hazmat team to remove all hazardous materials
00:27:22found in that toxic pool you call a vagina.
00:27:26Which has already been responsible for at least one fatality.
00:27:31Trump Rivers will be one of my biggest projects ever.
00:27:35But Donald Trump is up for the challenge to make you what we in real estate business call dick friendly.
00:27:42Okay, I made that word up.
00:27:44So, let me say right now, I think you're a wonderful person, and I'm proud to be your boss.
00:27:50You were fantastic on The Apprentice.
00:27:52You beat a lot of very smart people, and some that weren't so smart.
00:27:56But, you know what?
00:27:57If you're not there on time on Monday, your ass is fired.
00:28:01Yuck.
00:28:09Oh, I mean, our next roaster is Jeff Ross.
00:28:13Unfortunately, Jeff can be seen on the cover of his new book, and it's available at Petco.
00:28:19Sleep tight, everybody.
00:28:20Here's Jeff Ross.
00:28:21Nick Tuck, what the f***?
00:28:38This isn't a roast, it's an autopsy.
00:28:42Let's face it, Joan Rivers is so old, if you Google her, you can find her on Craig's and Schindler's lists.
00:28:52Wow.
00:28:55Joan had a difficult choice to make, whether to do this roast or be the fifth celebrity to die this month.
00:29:04Oh, that's funny.
00:29:09This is such an honor for me, Joan.
00:29:11You were my great-great-great-grandmother's favorite comedian.
00:29:17Who knows?
00:29:18Maybe next year we'll roast the Younger Rivers.
00:29:19Of course, I'm talking about the Amazon and the Euphrates.
00:29:27Oh.
00:29:28Can we talk?
00:29:29This woman is a legend.
00:29:30A legend.
00:29:32It's true.
00:29:35It's true.
00:29:39Amazing.
00:29:41Have you seen her new YouTube video?
00:29:43Called Forget Matt Damon.
00:29:44And I f*** Charlie Chaplin.
00:29:49Who's your plastic surgeon?
00:29:50Tim Burton?
00:29:53Oh, my God.
00:29:55Kanye's mom had a better plastic surgeon.
00:30:02May she rest in peace.
00:30:05But all kidding aside, Joan, I think you're incredibly sexy.
00:30:08I would f*** you like there's no tomorrow.
00:30:11Because for you, that's a distinct possibility.
00:30:18Look at her.
00:30:19She's a cougar.
00:30:21Freddy cougar.
00:30:25Oh.
00:30:26I heard recently Joan had a tummy tuck,
00:30:29and they put the leftover skin on Kathy Griffin's face.
00:30:32Wow, look at that.
00:30:36When did Howdy Doody f*** Pippi Longstocking?
00:30:42Holy shit, Kathy Griffin,
00:30:44I wouldn't f*** you with Chastity Bono's new dick.
00:30:49I don't know.
00:30:51It's probably big.
00:30:54And I see Brad Garrett is here.
00:30:56If you like my act,
00:30:56you can see it again later when Brad comes up.
00:30:58This guy has two writers.
00:31:04Their names are cut and paste.
00:31:11And I see the great Carl Reiner is here.
00:31:15This is so cool, man.
00:31:21Carl, seriously, congrats on being on color TV for the first time.
00:31:25Actually, tonight I should call you Van,
00:31:32because you're sitting between a dick and a dyke.
00:31:37Wowie.
00:31:38Carl Reiner, Joan Rivers.
00:31:40It's weird to see the limos parked in the handicapped spots.
00:31:46Oh, there's my friend, the lovely Robin Quivers.
00:31:48Great to see you, Robin.
00:31:50Yeah.
00:31:50Yeah.
00:31:50Let's face it, Robin.
00:31:54Without the Howard Stern Show,
00:31:55the only thing you'd be singing to a microphone would be,
00:31:57welcome to Popeyes.
00:31:58May I take your order?
00:32:07Tom Arnold is here.
00:32:08I guess that's a joke on us, huh?
00:32:10Of course, tonight is actually a benefit for Joan Rivers' favorite charity,
00:32:20Melissa Rivers.
00:32:22Oh, look at her, the lovely Melissa.
00:32:25Look at her.
00:32:25You're like a chip off the old face.
00:32:29Oh, you have your mother's nose.
00:32:32It's in the will.
00:32:33You're amazing, Joan.
00:32:41Forty years of telling it like it is,
00:32:43you got the biggest balls in the business,
00:32:46and Joan, her whole life,
00:32:48all she wanted to just be considered one of the guys.
00:32:51And good news is,
00:32:52your doctor says you're only three surgeries away.
00:32:56The real truth is, Joan,
00:32:58it's like I read your,
00:32:59when I was a beginning comedian,
00:33:00I read your memoir, Enter Talking,
00:33:03and you talk about how hard it was starting out for you,
00:33:05and I was a beginning comic,
00:33:06and you really inspired me.
00:33:08Your stories taught me
00:33:09that if you're willing to enjoy the process,
00:33:11you can go pretty much anywhere in this life.
00:33:14So, I love you a lot.
00:33:16Thank you, Mamala.
00:33:23The Comedy Central roast of Joan Rivers
00:33:26is brought to you in part by Klondike
00:33:28and Madden NFL Tag.
00:33:30Coming up, Robin Quivers.
00:33:33I think I'm really gonna get pure tonight.
00:33:36Brad Garrett.
00:33:37Carl Reiner.
00:33:38I really am looking forward to seeing myself.
00:33:41And Joan Rivers.
00:33:42Don't you have any comedy advice?
00:33:43I don't give a shit about comedy.
00:33:45Marry Rich.
00:33:45Don't end up like me at this age,
00:33:47still trying to make a book.
00:33:53All right, everybody.
00:33:55The next roaster is the great Carl Reiner.
00:33:59And...
00:33:59The great Carl Reiner.
00:34:10We're lucky to have him
00:34:11because it's pudding night at the home.
00:34:13Now, look.
00:34:15He's such an old comedy legend,
00:34:17he even smells funny.
00:34:19Here comes Sponge Bath Square Pants,
00:34:22Mr. Carl Reiner.
00:34:23I cannot believe it.
00:34:37I started in television in 1948.
00:34:39No, no, I'm not asking for applause.
00:34:46And the things we couldn't say.
00:34:48On the Dick Van Dyke show,
00:34:52we were not allowed to say the word pregnant.
00:34:55We couldn't say the word pregnant.
00:34:57And today,
00:34:59for the first time,
00:35:01I feel freed.
00:35:03Free at last.
00:35:05Free at last.
00:35:07Wait, wait.
00:35:09I want to...
00:35:09I want to try out my newfound freedom.
00:35:12Freedom.
00:35:19F***.
00:35:27Let me throw in just a shit.
00:35:36Okay.
00:35:37That's nothing.
00:35:38But, by the way,
00:35:40has anybody tonight...
00:35:42I don't think so.
00:35:44Has anybody used the word c*** sucker?
00:35:47I did it!
00:35:49Oh, I wish my...
00:35:50I wish my mother and father were alive to see this.
00:35:54To see this.
00:35:55Their son has made it.
00:35:56He's a modern kid!
00:36:00I really am thrilled to be here.
00:36:02And I was thrilled that...
00:36:03You stood up and gave me an applause.
00:36:05I didn't think you knew me.
00:36:07I swear to God.
00:36:08You all laughing...
00:36:10No.
00:36:13I forget how beloved I am.
00:36:18When you're 87,
00:36:20you forget a lot of things.
00:36:21Anyway,
00:36:22I made some notes which I can't read.
00:36:25Oh, oh, yes.
00:36:26Yes, here.
00:36:27I'll pot shot around.
00:36:29I was saying...
00:36:29I was trying to think of something good, dirty...
00:36:32The best dirty jokes,
00:36:34the best filth,
00:36:35the best filth I've heard in years.
00:36:37And I couldn't compete with that.
00:36:38But I do remember
00:36:39when I did Oh God,
00:36:41lovely George Burns,
00:36:42I went back to his dressing room
00:36:43and I said,
00:36:44George,
00:36:44you know,
00:36:45I said,
00:36:45you always talk about,
00:36:46you know,
00:36:47frickin' frack
00:36:48and your vaudeville career,
00:36:50but you never talk about
00:36:51things serious,
00:36:52your family,
00:36:53yourself,
00:36:53your life.
00:36:54I'd like to find out...
00:36:55He said,
00:36:55what do you want to know?
00:36:56I said,
00:36:57well,
00:36:57for instance,
00:36:58I said,
00:36:58I'm 60 or 80,
00:37:00what do I have to look forward to
00:37:02in my,
00:37:02you know,
00:37:02sex life?
00:37:04And he said to me,
00:37:05which I give to you,
00:37:06you can all use it
00:37:07because it's true.
00:37:08He said,
00:37:08have you ever tried
00:37:11to put an oyster
00:37:13in a slot machine?
00:37:17And that's,
00:37:18and that's the only
00:37:19dirty one I got.
00:37:21I got...
00:37:22Anyway,
00:37:29I Wikipedia-ed you today.
00:37:33Did you feel it?
00:37:36Anyway,
00:37:36there are pages
00:37:38and pages
00:37:38and pages
00:37:39and among all of this,
00:37:42her real dream
00:37:43was to be a serious actress.
00:37:45And you know
00:37:46what happened?
00:37:48It's really,
00:37:49it's cruel,
00:37:50it's cruel.
00:37:51She walked on a stage
00:37:52and they started
00:37:53to laugh at her.
00:37:55She was deadly serious
00:37:56and people have been
00:37:58laughing at her
00:37:59and laughing at her.
00:37:59If we want to do her
00:38:01a big favor,
00:38:02we'll stop laughing at her.
00:38:04She wanted to do
00:38:07Joan of Arc.
00:38:09Don't,
00:38:09I would love to see
00:38:10Joan burnt at a stake,
00:38:12wouldn't you?
00:38:14Wouldn't you?
00:38:15I,
00:38:15I,
00:38:16anyway,
00:38:17my last word,
00:38:19and this is a word
00:38:20I have never,
00:38:21ever said
00:38:21anywhere,
00:38:23and I heard it tonight
00:38:24and I'm going to try
00:38:25to say it.
00:38:26I really,
00:38:27very hard for me
00:38:28to say
00:38:28who was brought up
00:38:29with the,
00:38:30you know,
00:38:30the Hayes office
00:38:31and all those censors.
00:38:34It's the word
00:38:35for vagina.
00:38:36And I,
00:38:37I'm going to make
00:38:39an attempt.
00:38:39I'm going to make
00:38:40an attempt.
00:38:41I'm going to make
00:38:42an attempt.
00:38:42Please get me
00:38:43through this.
00:38:44If I get through this,
00:38:45I can go on
00:38:46to the next level.
00:38:47I'm 87.
00:38:47I'll go on
00:38:48to,
00:38:48who knows,
00:38:4888.
00:38:49Anyway,
00:38:50anyway,
00:38:51I'm going to try
00:38:52to say it.
00:38:54K.
00:38:58K.
00:38:58K.
00:38:58K.
00:38:59K.
00:39:00I said it.
00:39:01I said it.
00:39:02I said it.
00:39:02I said it.
00:39:16Thank you,
00:39:17Mr. Reiner.
00:39:18Rest in peace.
00:39:20All right,
00:39:20now,
00:39:20wait a minute.
00:39:21All this is happening,
00:39:21so now,
00:39:22where's Melissa?
00:39:22Melissa,
00:39:23why aren't you
00:39:23on stage tonight?
00:39:24Why aren't you
00:39:25sticking up
00:39:25for your poor
00:39:26mother here,
00:39:26who stood up
00:39:27for you
00:39:27and this lovely
00:39:28apprentice
00:39:28when you're
00:39:29running around
00:39:30with that fake
00:39:30cast?
00:39:31Now,
00:39:31come on,
00:39:31get up here
00:39:32and make
00:39:32your mama proud.
00:39:33Come on.
00:39:34Let's hear it
00:39:35for Melissa.
00:39:36The best thing
00:39:37to ever come out
00:39:38of Joan,
00:39:39Melissa Rivers.
00:39:45I really do
00:39:46want to come up
00:39:47here for three
00:39:47reasons.
00:39:48One,
00:39:49unlike the rest
00:39:50of the people
00:39:50up here
00:39:51on this stage,
00:39:52I'm aware
00:39:52that I'm not
00:39:53a comedian.
00:40:02Two,
00:40:03I haven't had
00:40:03much sleep.
00:40:04I had a terrible,
00:40:05terrible nightmare
00:40:06last night
00:40:06that I was
00:40:07at my mother's
00:40:07funeral.
00:40:09The worst part
00:40:09was I was 75.
00:40:13And three,
00:40:14to be really,
00:40:15really honest,
00:40:16it has hurt me
00:40:16very much
00:40:17to hear you
00:40:17call my mother
00:40:18obnoxious
00:40:20and foul-mouthed,
00:40:21crude,
00:40:22cheap,
00:40:23and loud,
00:40:23and you are
00:40:24all wrong
00:40:25because she
00:40:25is not loud.
00:40:28She was an
00:40:29amazing mother
00:40:30growing up.
00:40:30She taught me
00:40:31everything about
00:40:32life, love,
00:40:33and sex,
00:40:33and I remember
00:40:34so clearly.
00:40:36So clearly
00:40:37when I asked her
00:40:37what's a blowjob,
00:40:38and without hesitation
00:40:39she said to me,
00:40:4050 bucks,
00:40:41two dinners,
00:40:41and a watch.
00:40:51But the truth
00:40:52is, Mom,
00:40:52none of these comedians,
00:40:53no one in this room
00:40:54would be here tonight
00:40:55without you.
00:40:57I love you, Mom.
00:40:58Congratulations
00:40:58on this incredible night.
00:40:59Coming up
00:41:05on the roast
00:41:06of Joan Rivers,
00:41:07Gilbert Godfrey.
00:41:08I'm scared
00:41:09of how I'll
00:41:10get roasted
00:41:11by Joey Bishop.
00:41:13Greg Garrett
00:41:13and Joan Rivers.
00:41:15To all of you,
00:41:16even in the band seats,
00:41:18who are you
00:41:19back there?
00:41:24Our next roaster
00:41:25is no stranger
00:41:27to comedy,
00:41:28just laughter.
00:41:29It's Brad Garrett
00:41:30at 6'8",
00:41:31the biggest joke
00:41:32in show business.
00:41:34Fee-fi-fo-fum,
00:41:36I smell a shitty set
00:41:38to come.
00:41:40Please welcome
00:41:41the comedy
00:41:42Holocaust,
00:41:44Brad Garrett!
00:41:51Wonderful.
00:41:53Great to, uh,
00:41:54great to be here tonight.
00:41:56Uh, Joan,
00:41:57you look amazing.
00:41:57You're a regular
00:41:58Lucy Liu.
00:42:02Those f***ing eyes.
00:42:04Every time I look
00:42:05at you,
00:42:05I'm ready to order.
00:42:09Look at this dais.
00:42:10Is this unbelievable?
00:42:11I mean,
00:42:11you have to be
00:42:12saying to yourself,
00:42:12is this really
00:42:13the best we could do?
00:42:14The only missing person
00:42:15here is Jared
00:42:16from Subway.
00:42:18I mean,
00:42:18look at these f***ing names.
00:42:20Whitney Cummings
00:42:21hasn't even heard
00:42:22of Whitney Cummings.
00:42:25Greg Giraldo is here,
00:42:27and I think I speak
00:42:28for everyone
00:42:28watching at home
00:42:29when I say,
00:42:30hey, let's see
00:42:30what's on Channel 7.
00:42:33You're kidding me.
00:42:34Greg, it's a nice outfit.
00:42:35Fire in the trailer?
00:42:36The only reason why
00:42:41Tootie from
00:42:42Facts of Life
00:42:42isn't here
00:42:43is because Tom Arnold
00:42:44said yes.
00:42:46Look at you, Tom.
00:42:47Jesus Christ,
00:42:48you got the nervous system
00:42:49of a squirrel.
00:42:50And you're sitting there
00:42:51sweating like a f***ing
00:42:52eating a corn dog.
00:42:57Come on, Arnold.
00:42:58How can you do
00:42:59so much coke
00:42:59and still be
00:43:00that f***ing fat?
00:43:06The only reason
00:43:11Robin Quivers
00:43:12is here tonight
00:43:12is because
00:43:13sooner or later
00:43:14one of us
00:43:14is going to need
00:43:15turndown service.
00:43:16All she does
00:43:22on Howard Stern's show
00:43:23is interrupt people
00:43:24who are funnier than her.
00:43:25I mean, come on.
00:43:26If I want to hear
00:43:27a black woman
00:43:28step on a laugh,
00:43:29I'll go see
00:43:29The Hangover
00:43:30at a Magic Johnson theater.
00:43:35Come on, Robin.
00:43:41We all know
00:43:41that Quivers
00:43:42is into white guys.
00:43:43We know that.
00:43:44But I have a feeling
00:43:44the only white guy
00:43:45who could satisfy
00:43:46is Colonel Sanders.
00:43:52And we have
00:43:52the great Carl Reiner.
00:43:54Carl, you were
00:43:55amazing tonight.
00:43:56Too bad you
00:43:56couldn't be here
00:43:57to see it.
00:44:00He's so f***ing old,
00:44:01he's watching me
00:44:02right now
00:44:02in black and white.
00:44:05Not many people
00:44:06know this,
00:44:07but Carl goes way back.
00:44:08He actually owned
00:44:09Robin's grandpappy.
00:44:12True.
00:44:14True.
00:44:15A little slavery
00:44:16history tonight.
00:44:18Carl is 87 years old
00:44:19and he likes
00:44:20to tell everybody
00:44:20what great shape he is.
00:44:22And I saw him backstage
00:44:22and he said,
00:44:23Brad, I may be 87 years old,
00:44:25but I can still
00:44:25touch my toes.
00:44:26I said, yeah,
00:44:26but it doesn't count
00:44:27when you do it
00:44:28with your balls.
00:44:32Gilbert's here.
00:44:33Gilbert is a father,
00:44:34which is unbelievable.
00:44:35He has two kids
00:44:36which prove
00:44:37that even hookers
00:44:38want children.
00:44:41You put Gilbert
00:44:42next to Jeff Ross
00:44:43and you have
00:44:43the early half
00:44:44of the Evolution
00:44:45of Man poster.
00:44:49And now we come
00:44:50to the wonderful
00:44:51Joan Rivers.
00:44:52Yes, indeed.
00:44:53Joan has been...
00:44:54Hi, baby.
00:44:57Joan has been
00:44:58in show business
00:44:59for 50 years
00:45:00and still going strong.
00:45:01Joan has had
00:45:02her face on more red carpets
00:45:04than an Irish lesbian,
00:45:05ladies and gentlemen.
00:45:08I don't want to say...
00:45:10I don't want to say
00:45:11that Joan is old,
00:45:12but her last pap smear
00:45:13was done by the coroner
00:45:14and it tested positive
00:45:16for dust.
00:45:19Joan,
00:45:19and I know this
00:45:20as a fact,
00:45:20Joan has f***ed
00:45:21more old Jews
00:45:22than Bernie Madoff.
00:45:27Most of you know
00:45:28that Joan,
00:45:29she sells beauty products
00:45:30on QVC.
00:45:32I don't have a joke
00:45:33for that.
00:45:33I just think
00:45:34that it's hilarious
00:45:34in a tragically ironic way.
00:45:38So much for truth
00:45:39in advertising.
00:45:40Huh, Joan?
00:45:40Joan's face
00:45:41has been lifted
00:45:42so many times
00:45:43that when she sneezes,
00:45:44she has to blow
00:45:45her clit.
00:45:51See, you could have
00:45:52said that, Carl.
00:45:53You can come back up here
00:45:54and say,
00:45:55blow her clit!
00:45:57Joan's face
00:45:58has been lifted
00:45:59more times
00:46:00than Bristol Palin's
00:46:02prom dress.
00:46:02Can you say that?
00:46:08Joan,
00:46:08you're a great comic
00:46:09and I just want
00:46:10to thank you
00:46:10for letting me
00:46:11be part of this
00:46:11tonight.
00:46:12You are truly a legend
00:46:13in your own time
00:46:14and I know that deep down
00:46:15you have a very,
00:46:16very warm heart,
00:46:17your only original
00:46:18part left.
00:46:19And Joan,
00:46:19I know in a different time,
00:46:22maybe in a different world,
00:46:23that you and I
00:46:24could have had a shot
00:46:25if only I was
00:46:26into necrophilia.
00:46:27Congratulations, Joan.
00:46:29We love you.
00:46:36Coming up,
00:46:37Robin Quivers,
00:46:38Whitney Cummings.
00:46:39I'm on Ativan
00:46:40and Xanax
00:46:41and the Nesta
00:46:42and Grey Goose
00:46:42and Aquanet
00:46:43so I don't get nervous.
00:46:44And Joan Rivers.
00:46:46Where are the gay?
00:46:48They're acting like
00:46:49lesbians.
00:46:49I want to see fun.
00:46:58Our next roaster
00:46:59is Robin Quivers.
00:47:01You love Robin.
00:47:02Everyone here
00:47:03arrived by limos.
00:47:04She got here
00:47:05on coattails.
00:47:06That's right,
00:47:07Howard Stern's the reason
00:47:08you subscribe to Sirius
00:47:09and she's the reason
00:47:10you subscribe
00:47:11to antiquated racial stereotypes.
00:47:13Here's Robin Quivers!
00:47:26Thank you, Kathy.
00:47:28I feel so at home up here.
00:47:31Maybe it's because
00:47:32my show is also hosted
00:47:34by a frizzy-haired loudmouth
00:47:35with a nose job
00:47:37and a tiny penis.
00:47:39Gilbert Gottfried.
00:47:42Actually, Gilbert
00:47:43is the voiceover king.
00:47:44He does the parrot
00:47:45in Aladdin,
00:47:47the duck
00:47:48in the Aflac commercial,
00:47:49and the gerbil
00:47:51in Mario's ass.
00:47:56Please, Mario
00:47:57is so gay
00:47:58he has to do
00:47:59a Brazilian wax
00:48:00for the pubes
00:48:01in his teeth.
00:48:02Carl Reiner
00:48:10is here.
00:48:11I'm so excited.
00:48:14By the way, Joan,
00:48:18if you have a message
00:48:19for Edgar,
00:48:20Carl will be seeing him
00:48:21in a couple of weeks.
00:48:21This man revolutionized
00:48:29the sitcom.
00:48:30Carl,
00:48:31it must have been
00:48:32so hard
00:48:33to top
00:48:34the Dick Van Dyke show.
00:48:36Because you didn't.
00:48:40Greg Giraldo,
00:48:42what a sad,
00:48:43sad career you have.
00:48:45You can't even get
00:48:46a meeting with AA.
00:48:47Don't laugh,
00:48:50Tom Arnold.
00:48:51Your career
00:48:52is so bad,
00:48:53the director's cut
00:48:54of your last movie
00:48:55was him slashing
00:48:56his wrists.
00:48:58Your next film
00:49:00is going to be
00:49:01Two Girls,
00:49:02One Cup,
00:49:03and Tom Arnold.
00:49:07You may not know this,
00:49:08but Brad Garrett
00:49:09has a show
00:49:10on the web
00:49:11called
00:49:11Dating Brad Garrett.
00:49:13Why would anyone
00:49:14want to date
00:49:15a miserable,
00:49:16hateful Jew
00:49:16with a f***ed up face?
00:49:18Oh, sorry, Joan.
00:49:24I'm actually surprised
00:49:25to see all of these
00:49:26people here,
00:49:27because Joan,
00:49:28you're not well liked.
00:49:31You've been called
00:49:32bitch more times
00:49:33than a white guy
00:49:34serving a life sentence.
00:49:39Actually, Joan,
00:49:40there's no point
00:49:41in trashing your face,
00:49:42because your surgeon
00:49:43already did that for us.
00:49:46By the way,
00:49:48loved you and saw.
00:49:57Your face
00:49:58doesn't move.
00:50:00I can't believe
00:50:01they haven't hired you
00:50:02to host New Year's
00:50:03Rockin' Eve.
00:50:07And your mouth?
00:50:09It looks like
00:50:10you showed the doctor
00:50:10a picture of Kathy's vagina
00:50:12and said,
00:50:13give me this
00:50:14without all the gray hair.
00:50:20In closing,
00:50:22what do you call
00:50:23a woman who's
00:50:23broken down barriers
00:50:25for female comics?
00:50:27A comedian
00:50:27who's entertained
00:50:28us and our families
00:50:30on TV for years?
00:50:32What do you call
00:50:32an icon,
00:50:33a beloved icon,
00:50:35that's part of the fabric
00:50:36of this country?
00:50:38You call her Carol Burnett.
00:50:41But we love you anyway, Joan.
00:50:43Good night.
00:50:49I love you.
00:50:50I love you.
00:50:50I love you.
00:50:55All right, everybody.
00:50:56Our next performer
00:50:57is Whitney Cummings.
00:50:58Now, I'm not saying
00:51:00she f***ed someone
00:51:01to get on this dais,
00:51:03but when she saw the couch,
00:51:04she did bend over.
00:51:06Chelsea Handjob.
00:51:08I mean,
00:51:08Whitney Cummings.
00:51:10Give it up for Whitney.
00:51:17Keep it going for Chucky.
00:51:21There are so many
00:51:22legendary comedy icons
00:51:24here tonight,
00:51:24but you guys are so old.
00:51:26If this dais
00:51:27had a website,
00:51:28it'd be called
00:51:28Funny or Dying.
00:51:31I don't know
00:51:31if I should be telling jokes
00:51:32or calling out
00:51:33bingo numbers.
00:51:35Kyle Reiner,
00:51:37absolute legend.
00:51:38Such a pleasure
00:51:38to meet him.
00:51:39Yeah, if, um,
00:51:40if you guys have not
00:51:42seen his body of work,
00:51:44please check it out
00:51:44online at WebMD.
00:51:48Gilbert Godfrey is here.
00:51:49Gilbert,
00:51:50what is with the squinting?
00:51:51Stop looking for
00:51:52Jeff Ross' dick.
00:51:53You're never gonna find it.
00:51:54Gilbert's always been
00:51:58a big inspiration to me.
00:51:59Gilbert, I used to love
00:52:00when you do that thing
00:52:01where you would, uh,
00:52:01smash watermelons
00:52:03on stage.
00:52:05Speaking of watermelon,
00:52:07Robin Quivers is here.
00:52:12Robin does only sleep
00:52:13with white men.
00:52:14Robin's f***ed so many
00:52:15white guys,
00:52:16Abercrombie and Fitch
00:52:17took out ad space
00:52:18on her taint.
00:52:19Robin's vagina is like
00:52:23the first five minutes
00:52:24of a movie.
00:52:25It's never been seen
00:52:27by a black guy.
00:52:35Robin Quivers has slept
00:52:36with so many white guys,
00:52:37her hymen hasn't
00:52:38even broken yet.
00:52:45Robin's been hammered
00:52:46so hard,
00:52:47her vagina looks like
00:52:48Seal's face.
00:52:54Speaking of people
00:52:55who make my vagina dry up,
00:52:56Greg Giraldo's here.
00:52:59Greg,
00:52:59the only work you ever get
00:53:01is this roast.
00:53:02No one has any idea
00:53:03who you are.
00:53:04You're like the
00:53:04Jeff Ross of comedy.
00:53:12The only thing lower
00:53:13than Greg Giraldo's
00:53:14ticket sales
00:53:14is Mario Cantone's
00:53:16T-cell count.
00:53:21Mario Cantone
00:53:22is so gay,
00:53:24his safe word
00:53:24is Mario Cantone.
00:53:28Now, stop it.
00:53:29I love Mario Cantone.
00:53:31Okay?
00:53:31We're actually neighbors.
00:53:32I just found that out
00:53:33on Megan's Law.com.
00:53:41Tom Arnold is here,
00:53:42everybody.
00:53:43Tom was on that
00:53:44best damn sports show.
00:53:45Tom is really into sports.
00:53:47In fact,
00:53:47that whole time
00:53:48he was married to Roseanne,
00:53:49she was pitching
00:53:49and he was catching.
00:53:52You and Roseanne
00:53:53were like the original
00:53:54tabloid couple.
00:53:55You guys were like
00:53:56John and Kate
00:53:57plus an eight ball.
00:54:02And now for the amazing
00:54:03Joan Rivers,
00:54:04everybody.
00:54:05Joan Rivers,
00:54:06yes.
00:54:06Come on.
00:54:07Joan,
00:54:07I loved you
00:54:11in The Wrestler.
00:54:22Look at Joan.
00:54:24I've always wanted to know
00:54:25what Ivana Trump
00:54:26would look like
00:54:26if she was dating
00:54:27Chris Brown.
00:54:31Joan Rivers
00:54:32has done some TV.
00:54:33I actually recently
00:54:34saw her vagina
00:54:35on an episode
00:54:36of The Deadliest Catch.
00:54:39I can't imagine
00:54:41what that vagina
00:54:41looks like.
00:54:42Joan's vagina
00:54:43is so old
00:54:44it has a separate
00:54:45entrance for black
00:54:46cuss.
00:54:58All jokes aside,
00:54:59Joan,
00:55:00you're my hero.
00:55:00you're my biggest
00:55:01inspiration.
00:55:02It is an absolute
00:55:03honor to be here.
00:55:04Thank you so much
00:55:05for having me.
00:55:05I love you.
00:55:06Thank you so much.
00:55:09Thank you so much.
00:55:15Coming up
00:55:16on the roast
00:55:17of Joan Rivers,
00:55:18Gilbert Godfrey.
00:55:19When did you die
00:55:20exactly?
00:55:21Because I wanted
00:55:21to send flowers.
00:55:23And Joan Rivers.
00:55:24You look very thin.
00:55:26You look anorexic.
00:55:27Fake breasts.
00:55:28Hi, this is Don Rickles.
00:55:33I am so thrilled
00:55:34to be on
00:55:35the Joan Rivers roast.
00:55:36And thank you
00:55:37for that money
00:55:37that you're paying me.
00:55:38Oh, boy.
00:55:40Joanie,
00:55:40I'm so happy for you.
00:55:42I remember you
00:55:43when you were a guy.
00:55:44And now look at you.
00:55:46With that new
00:55:46plastic surgery
00:55:47and everything.
00:55:48I love the eyes.
00:55:49Do you ever think
00:55:50of living in Shanghai?
00:55:51Have you ever thought
00:55:51of going into the business
00:55:52of selling masks?
00:55:54Masks.
00:55:54And you just walk around
00:55:55and you go Halloween
00:55:56behind a bush
00:55:57and go, little boy.
00:55:59And congratulations
00:56:00on being honored
00:56:02at a roast,
00:56:02which means nothing
00:56:03to the world.
00:56:04But I'm glad
00:56:05you're happy with it.
00:56:06This thing is a definite
00:56:07bomb, and I'm glad
00:56:09you're in it,
00:56:09because it'll keep
00:56:10your chin up.
00:56:12Forget show business.
00:56:13Go to a hospital
00:56:14and get it fixed.
00:56:15Tell them to break
00:56:15the whole thing
00:56:16and start all over again.
00:56:17I love you.
00:56:18God bless you.
00:56:21Our pal,
00:56:22Don Rickles.
00:56:25All right, everybody,
00:56:25our final roaster
00:56:27is Gilbert Gottfried.
00:56:28You may have seen him
00:56:30standing exactly
00:56:31501 feet outside
00:56:33an elementary school.
00:56:36Here's the always
00:56:37a little too touching
00:56:38Gilbert Gottfried.
00:56:50Keep it going
00:56:50for Swamp Thing.
00:56:53How lucky we are
00:56:55that Swamp Thing
00:56:56would come shambling
00:56:58out of the swamp,
00:56:59put on a dress,
00:57:01smear on some makeup,
00:57:02and host this show
00:57:04tonight.
00:57:05Swamp Thing.
00:57:06Isn't he hilarious?
00:57:11Now, it's great
00:57:12to see Robin Quivers here.
00:57:14Anyone who listens
00:57:16to the Howard Stern Show
00:57:17has heard Robin talk
00:57:20about being molested
00:57:21by her father.
00:57:23She won't shut up
00:57:24about it.
00:57:26She's very proud of it.
00:57:29But what Robin Quivers
00:57:31conveniently leaves out
00:57:33of her delightful anecdote
00:57:35is that even as a kid,
00:57:38she was so ugly
00:57:40that her father
00:57:41would close his eyes
00:57:43and fantasize
00:57:44about her sister.
00:57:49Who was no looker
00:57:51herself, I may add.
00:57:54And when he was done
00:57:56pillaging that homely
00:57:58daughter,
00:57:59he used to whisper,
00:58:01don't tell anyone.
00:58:03Because he was embarrassed.
00:58:06Oh, the shame
00:58:08that that poor man
00:58:10must have felt
00:58:11having to hide
00:58:12the fact
00:58:13that his
00:58:14molestation standards
00:58:16were so low.
00:58:19You know,
00:58:20there's been a lot
00:58:21of speculation
00:58:22tonight
00:58:23about Joan
00:58:24River's vagina.
00:58:26How old is it?
00:58:28How dry is it?
00:58:30How many men
00:58:32died during
00:58:33its construction?
00:58:34Well, good people,
00:58:39I have had
00:58:40sex with Joan
00:58:41Rivers.
00:58:42And I can tell you
00:58:43from experience
00:58:44that her
00:58:45much maligned
00:58:46vagina
00:58:47is in fact
00:58:48a glorious
00:58:50thing
00:58:50of unparalleled
00:58:52beauty.
00:58:53It was early
00:58:54in my career
00:58:55I walked into
00:58:56the green room
00:58:57at Catcher
00:58:58Rising Star.
00:59:00Who do I see?
00:59:01The great
00:59:01Joan Rivers.
00:59:02At this point
00:59:03in my life,
00:59:04I'd already
00:59:05had sexual
00:59:06congress
00:59:07with dozens
00:59:08of Joan
00:59:09Rivers impersonators.
00:59:11And most
00:59:13were total
00:59:13gentlemen.
00:59:15Like Mr.
00:59:16Mario
00:59:17can tell.
00:59:19But Joan
00:59:20was an animal.
00:59:21girl, she
00:59:22quickly
00:59:22disrobed
00:59:23her ashy
00:59:25yellow
00:59:25veiny skin
00:59:27was cold
00:59:28and smooth
00:59:29to the touch
00:59:30like a dead
00:59:31Komodo dragon.
00:59:35Which made
00:59:36my young
00:59:37comics
00:59:38custard cannon
00:59:39rock hard.
00:59:41She spread
00:59:43her legs
00:59:44and I was
00:59:44immediately
00:59:45blinded
00:59:46by a flurry
00:59:48of bats.
00:59:51When the
00:59:52bats had
00:59:53cleared,
00:59:54I saw it.
00:59:55The fabled
00:59:56Joan Rivers
00:59:57vagina.
00:59:58It was
00:59:59magnificent.
01:00:00A gleaming
01:00:01pink flower
01:00:02glistening
01:00:03with morning
01:00:04dew.
01:00:05It filled
01:00:06the room
01:00:07with sunshine
01:00:08and rainbows.
01:00:11A unicorn
01:00:12looked out of it
01:00:13winking
01:00:14as if
01:00:15to beckon
01:00:16me inside.
01:00:19Take me,
01:00:20Joan Hiss.
01:00:21Fill me
01:00:22with your
01:00:23seed
01:00:23so I may
01:00:25live
01:00:25another
01:00:26century.
01:00:30She climbed
01:00:32the top
01:00:32two cases
01:00:34of rolling
01:00:35rock
01:00:35and began
01:00:36thrusting
01:00:37her heavenly
01:00:39loins
01:00:39onto my
01:00:41young
01:00:41comics
01:00:42goo bazooka.
01:00:45I shouted,
01:00:47take it all,
01:00:48my mummy.
01:00:51Then she
01:00:52exploded
01:00:53sending a
01:00:54hot rush
01:00:55of love
01:00:56slime
01:00:57slouching
01:00:58to the
01:00:59floor
01:00:59where it
01:01:00burned a
01:01:01hole
01:01:01into the
01:01:02sewer
01:01:02below.
01:01:05Spent,
01:01:06I fell
01:01:07back
01:01:07with
01:01:08tumbling
01:01:08into the
01:01:09furiously
01:01:10masturbating
01:01:12tarm
01:01:12Arnold
01:01:13only to
01:01:15watch
01:01:15the
01:01:16great
01:01:17Joan
01:01:17Rivers
01:01:18slither
01:01:19away
01:01:19into the
01:01:20open
01:01:21drain
01:01:22pipe.
01:01:27I'll
01:01:27never
01:01:28forget
01:01:28that
01:01:29sight
01:01:29because
01:01:30I
01:01:31haven't
01:01:31been
01:01:31able
01:01:32to
01:01:32open
01:01:32in my
01:01:33eye
01:01:33since.
01:01:46Anyway,
01:01:47here's an
01:01:47old one.
01:01:49Brad Garrett
01:01:50walks into
01:01:51a bathroom.
01:01:52He sees a
01:01:53leprechaun
01:01:54taking a
01:01:54piss.
01:01:55He grabs
01:01:56a leprechaun
01:01:57and says,
01:01:58I've caught
01:01:59you.
01:01:59Now you
01:02:00have to
01:02:00grant me
01:02:01a wish.
01:02:02I want
01:02:02a hit
01:02:03sitcom
01:02:03on Fox.
01:02:05And the
01:02:05little fellow
01:02:06says,
01:02:07for that
01:02:08you'll have
01:02:09to let me
01:02:09screw you
01:02:10in the
01:02:10ass.
01:02:11Next
01:02:12thing you
01:02:12know,
01:02:13he's
01:02:13banging
01:02:14away
01:02:14at
01:02:15Brad
01:02:16Garrett's
01:02:16gritty
01:02:17bunghole.
01:02:19And Brad
01:02:20says,
01:02:21I can't
01:02:22believe
01:02:23I'm
01:02:23letting
01:02:24a
01:02:24leprechaun
01:02:25f***
01:02:26me in
01:02:26the
01:02:26ass.
01:02:27Then
01:02:28Mario
01:02:28Cantone
01:02:29says,
01:02:30I can't
01:02:31believe
01:02:31you
01:02:32thought
01:02:32I
01:02:32was
01:02:32a
01:02:33leprechaun.
01:02:44A
01:02:44guy
01:02:45walks
01:02:45into
01:02:46a
01:02:46bar.
01:02:47Joan
01:02:47Rivers
01:02:47is
01:02:48the
01:02:48bartender.
01:02:49He
01:02:49sees
01:02:50a
01:02:50sign
01:02:50over
01:02:51the
01:02:51bar
01:02:51that
01:02:52reads,
01:02:53Cheese
01:02:53Sandwich
01:02:54$1.50.
01:02:56Handjob
01:02:56$10.
01:02:57He
01:02:58says
01:02:58to
01:02:58Joan
01:02:59Rivers,
01:03:00Are
01:03:00you
01:03:00the
01:03:00one
01:03:01that
01:03:01gives
01:03:01the
01:03:01hand
01:03:02jobs?
01:03:03Joan
01:03:03says,
01:03:04Yes
01:03:04I
01:03:04am.
01:03:05He
01:03:05says,
01:03:06Well,
01:03:07wash
01:03:07your
01:03:07hands,
01:03:08bitch.
01:03:09I
01:03:09want
01:03:09a
01:03:09cheese
01:03:10sandwich.
01:03:12Good
01:03:13night.
01:03:20Coming
01:03:21up,
01:03:21Joan
01:03:21Rivers
01:03:22gets
01:03:22a
01:03:22revenge.
01:03:23They
01:03:23laugh
01:03:23at 50%.
01:03:24It'll
01:03:24be a
01:03:25great
01:03:25show.
01:03:25They
01:03:25laugh
01:03:26at 75%.
01:03:27It'll
01:03:27be an
01:03:27amazing
01:03:28show.
01:03:29The
01:03:30Comedy
01:03:30Central
01:03:31Roast
01:03:31of
01:03:31Joan
01:03:31Rivers
01:03:32is
01:03:32brought
01:03:32to
01:03:32you
01:03:33by
01:03:33Tato
01:03:33Beth
01:03:34and
01:03:34MGD
01:03:3564.
01:03:36And
01:03:37now it's
01:03:37time to
01:03:38bring up
01:03:38the man
01:03:39of the
01:03:39hour,
01:03:40comedy
01:03:40legend
01:03:40Joan
01:03:41Rivers.
01:03:46Joan
01:03:47Joan
01:03:47Joan
01:03:48Joan
01:03:48Joan
01:03:49Joan
01:03:49Joan
01:03:50Joan
01:03:50Joan
01:03:51Joan
01:03:51Joan
01:03:52Joan
01:03:52Joan
01:03:53Joan
01:03:53Joan
01:03:54Joan
01:03:54Joan
01:03:55Joan
01:03:56Joan
01:04:04Joan
01:04:04Joan
01:04:04To
01:04:05You
01:04:05I
01:04:05know this must be a roast.
01:04:18Hello, haha, but let me just tell you something.
01:04:22I am disgusted, and I am appalled by what I have witnessed here tonight.
01:04:29I have been a comic for more than 40 years. 40 years. Yes.
01:04:36And after hearing the filth that came out of your disgusting, filthy mouths,
01:04:44I am embarrassed for my profession. I respect my craft.
01:04:49And tonight, I watched all of you defile it with vulgarity, languages like,
01:04:55what was it, Carl? What did you say? Cocksucker and rim job and buttfuck.
01:05:00I am ashamed. No, no f***ing applause. No.
01:05:09You took a comedy legend, and you destroyed this poor son of a b***h.
01:05:15Can you hear that, Carl?
01:05:16You used to work clean. Do you remember that at all?
01:05:21What did you say tonight? F***? You said, shit? You said, c**t?
01:05:25You never said that in your routine. You say that for home or in the synagogue call for money.
01:05:30I'm so sick of this.
01:05:32I'm ashamed.
01:05:33Kelly Griffin.
01:05:37Kelly Griffin. Yeah, my good friend.
01:05:40You call yourself the biggest star?
01:05:43Is that what you said when you come out here?
01:05:44The biggest star in this room tonight?
01:05:47That's calling yourself the thinnest girl in Kirstie Alley's house.
01:05:51I mean, it's like...
01:05:52You know what you are, darling? You are a thief.
01:05:56Yes, you stole my act, you stole my gaze, and you stole the face of the Burger King.
01:06:03I am not happy with this.
01:06:08Who else do I want to talk about?
01:06:10Robin.
01:06:11You were supposed to be in class.
01:06:13That's why we booked you.
01:06:15Oh, my God.
01:06:16What you said was so true, Gilbert.
01:06:18About the father.
01:06:19Oh, oh.
01:06:20When you do the Howard Stern show, every time there's a break, she goes, oh, my father molested me.
01:06:26My father molested me.
01:06:27Take a good look at yourself, darling.
01:06:29Let me tell you something.
01:06:30You should be thrilled that that man paid any attention at all.
01:06:35I saw you naked backstage, bitch.
01:06:38You look like a f***ing mudslide.
01:06:39I don't even talk about you.
01:06:41I don't know why I'm here.
01:06:49Tom, oh, oh.
01:06:51Let me tell you something, Tom.
01:06:53I used to have respect.
01:06:54You disgusted me tonight.
01:06:59You were in Betty Ford more times than Gerald was.
01:07:03It just brings me to Brad Garrett.
01:07:08Brad, you have the nerve to criticize me.
01:07:12The only thing lower than your show's rating is a Carl Reiner's ball.
01:07:16Show him, Carl.
01:07:16Wake him up.
01:07:22And now I guess I have to talk about you, honey.
01:07:25Oh.
01:07:25Who the f*** are you?
01:07:26I don't just...
01:07:27Whitney came to me all sweet.
01:07:33I want you advice.
01:07:34I'm a young comedian.
01:07:35I want you...
01:07:36I'll give you advice.
01:07:38I'll give you the same advice I gave to David Carradine.
01:07:41Hang in there.
01:07:42Now...
01:07:43And speaking of men in fishnets, I love that transition.
01:07:53What am I going to say to you, Mario?
01:07:55Welcome to the dais.
01:07:57Dorothy, you're not in Ken's ass anymore.
01:08:00You're in the big time.
01:08:01You took a s*** last week and Rock Hudson came out.
01:08:06I mean...
01:08:07Who's left?
01:08:13Greg?
01:08:14When they said to me, Greg Giraldo is going to be on the show, I said...
01:08:18Who the f*** is Greg Giraldo?
01:08:20And then I thought, this is wrong.
01:08:22And I went and I googled you.
01:08:24And you know what Google said?
01:08:25Who the f*** is Greg Giraldo?
01:08:27But I thank you for coming.
01:08:32I know how hard it must have been to get the night off from the Red Lobster.
01:08:36And I appreciate it.
01:08:39It was hard.
01:08:40Which brings us to Gilbert Gottfried.
01:08:45I am a 76-year-old woman.
01:08:49I sat there.
01:08:50I haven't got that much f***ing time left.
01:08:53Your set was longer than Bernie Madoff's prison sentence.
01:08:56I mean, on...
01:08:57Open your f***ing eyes.
01:09:03The audience is leaving, you a**hole.
01:09:09Sick of you.
01:09:11You are loud.
01:09:12You are obnoxious.
01:09:14You make me ashamed to be Jewish.
01:09:16I have become a Jew hater tonight.
01:09:18Do you know what I'm going to do?
01:09:20Do you know what I'm going to do when I leave here?
01:09:21I am going to go to Malibu, and I'm going to give Mel Gibson a blowjob.
01:09:31I was going to make an announcement tonight that I was going to retire.
01:09:44This was going to be it for me.
01:09:46I wanted to spend my golden years with my wonderful daughter, Melissa, my beloved grandson, Cooper.
01:09:51Cooper, I was...
01:09:53I love that little s*** so much, except when I'm wearing a white suit.
01:10:03Hands off, Brandi.
01:10:04But...
01:10:05I was just going to sit back.
01:10:11But after tonight's show...
01:10:13No, no, I cannot leave comedy in the hands of these untalented people.
01:10:19No.
01:10:19Comedy.
01:10:21Comedy.
01:10:22And I say this with humility.
01:10:24Comedy needs me.
01:10:25Comedy needs me.
01:10:27Yes.
01:10:28Yes.
01:10:33Down.
01:10:35Down.
01:10:37Comedy needs Joan Rivers.
01:10:38And even more than comedy, and I say this, America needs Joan Rivers.
01:10:44Yes.
01:10:45America needs Joan...
01:10:47Will you cue the f***ing flag, please?
01:10:52America needs Joan Rivers.
01:10:54And that is why, tonight, I swear to you, I am going to keep comedy forever going in this country.
01:11:02I will not retire to you, understand me?
01:11:05I plan to be around for the next hundred years, just like herpes, when you're least expected.
01:11:11I will be there.
01:11:12As long as there are body parts, I will be there.
01:11:17I will get arms, I will get legs.
01:11:19These already are Chastity Bono's breasts.
01:11:22I am going to be there.
01:11:24Take a good look at this face, America.
01:11:26Give me a close-up.
01:11:28Not that close.
01:11:29Get back, you a**hole.
01:11:31This.
01:11:33This is the face of comedy.
01:11:34And just like our flag behind me, this face has been battered.
01:11:40This face has been burnt.
01:11:42This face has been spat on.
01:11:45But I am proud to say, just like our flag in its lifetime, this face also has had 50 stars on it.
01:11:56Come on, Carl.
01:12:00Let's go home.
01:12:01Do you remember where you live?
01:12:03Thank you all.
01:12:04And God bless America.
01:12:07And good luck.
01:12:08I'm going to be there.
01:12:12I'm going to be there.
01:12:16I'm going to be there.
01:12:30Let's hear the crowd.
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