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Reality Realm US
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I was made for America
00:22Her shining dream plays in my mind
00:30By the rocket's red glare
00:32A generation's blank stare
00:34We'd better wake her up this time
00:39Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Maugham!
00:47Thank you very much!
00:54Thank you, everybody!
00:55Thank you!
00:59Thank you!
01:01Wow!
01:03Thank you so much!
01:07Thank you very much!
01:09Oh, boy!
01:11Please!
01:13Folks!
01:15Thank you very much!
01:17Thank you!
01:21Well, that is a wonderful reception
01:23I appreciate that
01:24It is great to be back in New York
01:25Great to be back on Broadway
01:27The show you're about to see tonight
01:29Is one I did for a little while here on Broadway in the spring
01:31And the idea behind that show
01:33Was embodied in that first poster that you see
01:35Victory begins at home
01:37The idea that when you're in a war
01:39The home front, us, the citizens
01:41Can make a difference, we can count
01:43The government used to believe that
01:45They used to tell you that
01:47They make posters like that
01:48But they don't do it anymore
01:49So I thought I'd make a few
01:51Now, of course, my posters
01:54May be a little different
01:55Than what the government would tell you
01:57But then the government tells you
01:59Things like drugs fund terrorism
02:02Because what better way
02:03To get the heat off the oil companies?
02:05You can always blame anything on drugs
02:16There's an anti-marijuana commercial running out
02:18Have you seen this ad?
02:19Where two 12-year-old boys are left home alone
02:22And they start smoking pot
02:25And then one of them finds dad's gun
02:28And shoots the other accidentally
02:30Because they're hot!
02:33Only in America is the villain in this scene
02:36Not the guns or the shitty parenting
02:38But the pot
02:39It's...
02:40It's always the pot
02:49Drugs fund terrorism
02:51Come on
02:52Terrorists get their money
02:53From the same place
02:54Everybody gets their money
02:55From their relatives
02:56And their relatives sell oil
03:01And therein is the problem
03:04They have the oil
03:05We have the Ford
03:06Fuck you mobiles
03:08Which I'm not here to speak again
03:10Look, I am not the car police
03:11I don't want to be the car police
03:13I understand Americans love their cars
03:15I don't get it
03:16But I know Americans love cars
03:18And would hump them if they could
03:20But does anybody really need a Hummer?
03:24And city traffic
03:26You know
03:27I mean
03:31I mean what
03:32What is next?
03:35Honey, let's take a tank
03:36To the PTA meeting tonight
03:41No, Arabs are in the oil business
03:43Same as Texans
03:45You know, that's
03:46That's
03:47No, that
03:48That is
03:49No, no, no, no
03:50No, that is
03:51That is not to equate our government
03:53It's just to say
03:54That a political party
03:55That gets a lot of its campaign contributions
03:57From oil companies
03:59Is not going to make this connection
04:01And neither are the Democrats
04:03Who like the money they get
04:04From automobile unions
04:06So the two parties
04:07Are going to do the only thing
04:08They ever really do well
04:09On a bipartisan level
04:11They're going to change the subject
04:13Ladies and gentlemen
04:16On September 11th, 2001
04:18America was attacked
04:20By a squad of Saudi Arabians
04:22Working out of Germany
04:23Pakistan
04:24And Afghanistan
04:25And by that I mean
04:26We were attacked by Iraq
04:34What?
04:39Yes, the true axis of evil in America
04:41Is the genius of our marketing
04:43Combined with the stupidity
04:44Of our people
04:48The, uh
04:49The way they were able to morph
04:51Bin Laden into Hussein
04:53Was just too easy, wasn't it?
04:55I mean
04:56I'm glad Hussein is gone
04:57But the Joker is not the Riddler
04:59And
05:02On this particular crime
05:03There was no blood in his Bronco
05:05The, uh
05:06Do you know
05:09Do you know
05:10That the
05:13Do you know that the governor
05:14Of this state
05:15Suggested that we melt down
05:17The toppled statues
05:18Of Saddam Hussein
05:19From Baghdad
05:20And use them
05:21In a new world trade center
05:23So that we could send
05:24A message to the world
05:25That we are a people
05:26Who cannot tell Arabs apart
05:28Which all seems especially hypocritical
05:38When you think about
05:39The first thing the administration
05:40Told us
05:41After the attacks
05:42Was no lumping the terrorists
05:45In with the whole Muslim world
05:47These are terrorists who happen
05:48To be Muslim
05:49But don't inflame them all
05:50By lumping
05:51But then when they can't find Bin Laden
05:54Lump
05:56Who said no lumping?
05:58We love lumping
05:59We're lumping people
06:01It must have been so frustrating for them
06:05You know
06:06After all that tough talk about
06:07We're gonna get him dead or alive
06:09Which at some point became
06:11Well he's either dead or alive
06:12You know
06:13That's what we meant
06:15It's
06:16It's not about one man
06:19But it is
06:21And people wanna know
06:22Where's Waldo?
06:25And now we can't find Hussein
06:27The guy we went after
06:28Because we couldn't find Bin Laden
06:32And now
06:33And now they're both making tapes
06:45I guess what we're trying to do
06:47Is get them into some sort of
06:48Rappers war
06:49Where they're
06:50Dissing each other
06:51On each other's records
06:52And hopefully they'll
06:53Pop a cap in each other's ass
06:55Or
06:56I don't
06:57But look
06:58If you were against this war
06:59Or you don't like the president
07:00You have to root for the plan
07:01Because this may have been Bush's war
07:03But it's America's peace now
07:05And you have to root for the plan to succeed
07:07The plan as I understand it
07:08Being the total humiliation
07:10And liquidation of Iraq
07:12Followed by her rebuilding from scratch
07:14In our image
07:17Otherwise known as Scientology
07:24It is amazing to me what lies
07:27People care most about
07:28It blows my mind
07:29That the one lie
07:30That they still can't get over
07:31Is Monica Lewinsky
07:32That
07:33That one is the standard of mendacity
07:35That ever came out of the White House
07:37When I think about the lies
07:38The huge
07:39Steaming turd whoppers
07:41That I've heard
07:43That I've heard
07:44That have affected all of our lives
07:45Just in my lifetime
07:46JFK
07:47Shot by a lone gunman
07:49We're winning the war in Vietnam
07:51We didn't trade arms for hostages
07:54Global warming needs more study
07:57Clarence Thomas
07:59Clarence Thomas is the most qualified person
08:01We can find
08:07But the one they can't get over is
08:09I did not get my dick sucked by that one
08:12My hand was not on the titty when she was on the knob
08:24And that technically was not
08:26This is what people obsess about
08:29It just backs up my case that this is a feminized country
08:32Because obviously the worst thing anyone can ever do in America
08:35Is get a blow job
08:40But lying about a war
08:41So what
08:42And you know
08:43Look
08:44There is no doubt
08:45That this is a war
08:46That started under false premises
08:47Because this is a war
08:48That originally
08:49Was sold to us
08:50As one we had to fight
08:52For our own self preservation
08:54Right
08:55Because there was this
08:56Meteor named Iraq
08:58Heading right for us
09:00And that if we did not get rid of Saddam Hussein
09:03The moon would crash into the earth
09:05And eagles would eat your cock
09:10But when nobody bought that bullshit
09:12Bush started to end every speech with
09:15And did I mention the torture?
09:17The torture
09:18He gassed his own people
09:21Yeah, when your dad was president
09:25And he was so upset about it
09:26He almost interrupted his golf game
09:28I mean
09:31Talk
09:39Talk about a delayed reaction
09:41Even the Kurds are like
09:42Come on
09:43It was the 80s
09:44People were experimenting
09:47It was a crazy time
09:49Crazy time
09:53I mean, you know
09:54This is why we never really had a coalition
09:56You know
09:57We had England
09:58Because Tony Blair
09:59Is George Bush's prison bitch
10:06And we had 200 Australians
10:08And a Polish Jeep driver named Lars
10:10That
10:12And by the way
10:14On that subject
10:15If I could say one thing
10:16If I could give the president
10:17Just one bit of advice
10:18It's not a critique
10:19But, Mr. President
10:20When you have those joint press conferences
10:23Let Tony Blair do the talking
10:25You know
10:33Come on, Mr. President
10:35You're too big for that
10:37You're the star of this thing
10:38You're Clint Eastwood
10:39Let the gay English character actor
10:44Lay the pipe
10:46You know, war is a lot easier than peace
10:48There's a lot of bright guys in that administration
10:50But they forgot about that
10:51But
10:52It is too late for the Democrats
10:53To be crying foul
10:55About this weapons of mass destruction stuff
10:58They knew that was hyped bullshit
11:00When they voted for it in October
11:02Now
11:03Should
11:04The president of the United States
11:05Be a little more careful
11:06About the intelligence he gets
11:08And perhaps
11:09Not trust
11:10Austin Powers
11:15Yes
11:17Does the average American
11:19Have more dangerous chemicals
11:21In his garage
11:25Yes, apparently
11:26But
11:27You know, they still might find
11:28Weapons of mass destruction
11:29And if they don't
11:30I have it on good authority
11:31That the Los Angeles Police Department
11:33Will plant them
11:34But
11:37But, you know
11:42At the end of the day
11:43To this administration
11:44It doesn't matter
11:45Because half the geniuses
11:46In this country
11:48Think that we already found
11:49Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
11:51And the other half
11:52Think that George Bush
11:53Is a fighter pilot
11:54They
11:58That is an administration
11:59That does understand pictures
12:00Because, you know
12:01Once they got that picture of him
12:02In the flight suit
12:03That was all
12:04That was what the whole war was about
12:05Hello
12:06Look at me
12:07I'm in the flight suit
12:08My cock looks huge
12:10I'm on an aircraft carrier
12:14This big cock flight suit
12:17Me, military guys, flag
12:20Hello
12:21Why even have an election?
12:22No, he understands
12:24The picture is worth everything
12:26I mean, this is a president
12:27With no environmental policy
12:28But he knows enough
12:29To every six months
12:30Do a photo op
12:31In front of a giant tree
12:32Every six months
12:33He just stands in front of a big sequoia
12:34With that smirk on his face
12:35Like
12:36Am I hurting that tree?
12:37Am I pissing on that tree?
12:38Am I pissing on that tree?
12:39No
12:40I love that tree
12:41Tree, me, people, do the math
12:42And that is the environmental policy
12:44There's a black kid sitting on my lap
12:46I'm reading to a black kid
12:48He's sitting right on me
12:49Am I freaking out?
12:51No
13:09No
13:14Am I like, get that Tori Bailey off of me?
13:23No.
13:25And that's the race policy.
13:27I mean, it's just astounding how they work.
13:30I mean, the 2000 convention that the Republicans had?
13:33Oh, my God.
13:34The last time the Republicans had that many black people on a stage,
13:38they were selling them.
13:41I mean...
13:42Hey, folks, come on.
13:46The entertainment, the first night of the convention, was Chaka Khan.
13:52Yeah, this is the party running on integrity,
13:54because, you know, when you get a bunch of 60-ish, red state, white people
13:58in a room voting on entertainment,
14:02Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka.
14:05It's all Chaka Khan.
14:06It's, you know, a couple of votes for the Gatlin brothers, you know,
14:10a few for the Dixie Chicks, before they joined Al-Qaeda, this is.
14:15That's before.
14:21Oh, it's such a shame when our country singers become Islamic fundamentalists.
14:25Isn't that a...
14:26I don't know why that keeps happening.
14:28The best photo op ever, George Bush, about a year ago, at Mount Rushmore.
14:35They set up the podium at the base of the mountain
14:37so that his head was exactly in line
14:40and in proportion to the heads on the mountain,
14:43which I thought was a pretty sleazy trick,
14:45and I don't think I'm the only one who thought that,
14:47because I swear to God, for about half a second,
14:49I thought I saw Lincoln go...
14:52And usually when they have a photo op,
15:06they also have a three-word slogan
15:08because that is our attention span, three words, you know.
15:11Restoring America's future.
15:13Testing America's gullibility.
15:15Because they know you control the debate by controlling the words.
15:21You just got to control the words.
15:22You just got to make the politician say the word
15:24that the hamsters in the focus group make hit the pedal.
15:29Say the word that makes the hamsters hit the pedal.
15:32Values.
15:33You don't have to mean it.
15:34Just say it.
15:35Values.
15:36Values, yes.
15:37Values.
15:38We like values.
15:39Values.
15:39He said values.
15:40We like values.
15:41He has values.
15:45We used to have a tax in this country called the estate tax,
15:59which was very popular because it's a tax on very, very, very rich fucks who die.
16:04And people thought, that's a good person to tax.
16:08And that is a good person to tax because rich fucks who die should give away their money
16:12or else they give it to their ne'er-do-well kid who becomes Uday Hussein.
16:15But the Republicans changed the name from the estate tax to the death tax.
16:24And people went, death?
16:25That could happen to me.
16:28I'm not hitting the pedal on that one.
16:34The Republicans are so much better at that word game.
16:37Like, they're always from the heartland.
16:40Heartland?
16:41Come on.
16:42Dick Cheney from the heartland, ironically.
16:45I remember when they made the announcement that Dick Cheney was going to be the vice president
16:55candidate, they purposely went back to the heartland home of his, back to Casper, Wyoming,
17:02the only town whiter than the ghost itself.
17:08And they went back to Dick Cheney's high school, where he'd been the captain of the football
17:13team.
17:13And folks, this is when I knew I would never be mainstream.
17:17Because obviously this shit works on people.
17:19But, I mean, I would never go back to my high school.
17:22I hated my high school.
17:24I hated the captain of the football team.
17:28I wish we had school shootings when I was in high school.
17:32These lucky kids today.
17:35I would have loved to have picked up a gun and shot a bunch of kids in my high school,
17:38these spoiled bastards.
17:40Anyway, there's Dick Cheney, back at his high school, captain of the football team.
17:46And then the piece de resistance, they bring out his wife, who, of course, had been his
17:52high school sweetheart.
17:54And again, this so doesn't work on me that you married the first chick to give you a handjob.
18:01You know, that's...
18:11Oh, I kid Dick Cheney, but here's a plan to save the government money.
18:16It involves moving the White House to the Cayman Islands.
18:21How's that for wartime loyalty, huh?
18:23These Fortune 500 companies who move offshore.
18:27Of course, they don't really move offshore.
18:29That's the scam.
18:30Enron isn't really headquartered in the Bahamas.
18:32It's a phone and a monkey.
18:35And a mailbox to collect their dirty, bloody money.
18:39Plus, how stupid are these companies, you know?
18:41The money gets to live in the Caribbean.
18:44They stay in Newark.
18:46What?
18:47It's so easy to say anything.
18:50The one that's easy to say now is,
18:53I support the troops.
18:54Doesn't cost you anything.
18:56I support the troops.
18:58But I got a question for you.
18:59Can you really support the troops
19:01if you also support these massive tax cuts for the very rich?
19:06Because, you know, the people we say are our heroes
19:08are paid by tax dollars.
19:11And we hear about teachers have to buy their own school supplies.
19:16Soldiers in this country are on food stamps.
19:19Firemen?
19:20Well, firemen get laid so easily, now fuck them.
19:22But anyway...
19:24But, I mean, couldn't somebody in Congress stand up and say,
19:29why don't we take half of that big tax cut and give it to our heroes?
19:33Or is that why they're our heroes?
19:35Because they work cheap.
19:36It's okay.
19:46Applause costs you nothing.
19:49But think about that next time you see George Bush hugging a bunch of military guys.
19:53And look, I'm not going to rag on Bush all night.
19:55Look, I will tell you this.
19:56I will give George Bush credit for this.
19:58He is working a lot harder than he thought he'd have to.
20:03You know, there...
20:04I tell you...
20:08No more homeschooling for that boy.
20:11He is going to class.
20:13But spare me this nonsense I have heard so often about how,
20:17oh, we dodged a bullet when Bush pulled out the election
20:20and then 9-1-1 happened because, you know,
20:22if Al Gore had been president, what?
20:25We'd be reading the Koran now, is that it?
20:28Like George Bush is the only one who could have pointed to Afghanistan on a map
20:32and said, destroy that.
20:36I'm sorry, George Bush pointing out a country on a map?
20:42Oh, I didn't know what I was thinking.
20:47No, no.
20:48Rumsfeld does the pointing.
20:52See, I love him.
20:53Rumsfeld, because he's so politically incorrect.
20:55How could I not love him?
20:57And what I love about him also is that he makes no effort to ever be reassuring.
21:04You notice that?
21:05He says things like,
21:06I don't think they could get a nuclear bomb in there, but...
21:09Yeah, maybe.
21:09What the hell is that?
21:16Oh, and people say he's Neanderthal and crude and macho.
21:20You know what?
21:20If we're going to let just one guy in America not have to be a pussy,
21:24I say it's the Secretary of Defense.
21:26How about that?
21:27However, the Rumsfelds of the world, they do need to be watched.
21:38So do the Ashcrofts and the Bushes and a lot of other people.
21:41And I think where the citizens of this country, where we let ourselves down,
21:45is that after the attacks, just when we should have been paying more attention,
21:51I think we paid less attention.
21:53Because thinking about icky things like war and terrorism would cause stress.
21:59And then they'd win.
22:07And the President fed right into that.
22:10He did not lead on this.
22:11He had about a window of opportunity of about two months
22:14where he could have asked us to do anything.
22:15And what did he say?
22:16Keep shopping.
22:19Spend money.
22:19Take your wife to dinner.
22:20Go see cats again.
22:24Shop till they drop, girlfriend.
22:25Which is not to say that we wouldn't have done more.
22:31Because I think we would.
22:32We are an industrious people.
22:35But, you know, we're also a people.
22:37If we can get out of work, we do.
22:40This was brought home to me about a year ago
22:43when there was breaking news from rural Georgia.
22:47Do you remember this story?
22:47They found all these bodies behind this crematorium in Georgia.
22:51And when I first heard of it, I thought,
22:53Ooh, this is some sort of nefarious cult.
22:56No, just lazy.
22:58Just letting work pile up, as many of us do.
23:06It was like the I Love Lucy episode
23:08with the chocolates coming down, the conveyor belt.
23:11You know, the guy just couldn't keep up with the volume.
23:13Plus, you're talking about rural Georgia,
23:19so it was confusing,
23:20because a guy would come in asking for his wife and his sister.
23:23Is that one body or two?
23:25You know, that...
23:28A lot of people from rural Georgia here on Broadway.
23:34That happens on Broadway.
23:36Sorry.
23:37Sorry to offend you.
23:38I was just trying to make the point
23:41that families are allowed to be different.
23:46Well, we were told that after 9-1-1.
23:49That's what the government said.
23:51You know, that this was not a clash of civilizations.
23:54Osama bin Laden, for example,
23:56do you know this,
23:56is the 17th of 55 children?
24:00It's always the middle 20 that give you the problems.
24:04Is that right?
24:07But this is not a clash of civilizations.
24:11Yeah, we have two, three kids.
24:13You have 55.
24:16We like to have our women in the workplace.
24:19You keep yours in beekeeper suits.
24:26What is up with the beekeeper suits?
24:28I mean, can you imagine if some white country
24:32kept its black people in beekeeper suits?
24:36There'd be a riot at the U.N.
24:38Jesse Jackson's head would explode.
24:41Al Sharpton would call a press conference.
24:43How do you get away?
24:56How does a country get away
24:57with keeping half its population
24:59in beekeeper suits?
25:02I'll tell you how.
25:03They say the magic word.
25:06Religion.
25:07It's their religion.
25:08You say religion,
25:09you can get away with anything.
25:10The Catholics got away with fucking kids
25:13for crying out loud.
25:15Oh, you're right.
25:16I made that up.
25:17I'm sorry.
25:18You're right.
25:18I pulled that right out of my ass.
25:20That has not been in the paper a lot.
25:24Excuse me.
25:25They had to have a conference
25:26to decide if they should continue to fuck kids.
25:31They did.
25:32The guy made a speech.
25:33He said, look,
25:33we've had a good long run.
25:37But it's become something
25:39of a meat market around here.
25:42Put a little more lotion on Father Tom, Billy.
25:46Come on.
25:49Look, all you need to know
25:51about the fact that this is
25:53a clash of civilizations
25:54is the beekeeper suit,
25:56that burka.
25:57The fact of the way
25:58we treat our women so differently.
25:59I mean, in our society,
26:01we try to get women
26:02to undress
26:03as much as possible.
26:05We like to be teased.
26:07Whereas their view is,
26:09if I can't have the pussy,
26:10I don't want to see it.
26:11That is too painful.
26:13Just throw a tarp on that
26:14because I'll be thinking
26:17about that all day.
26:22You know, whereas in this country,
26:24women wear these jeans
26:26that are cut.
26:27That had to be
26:28the last straw for Bin Laden.
26:29When those jeans,
26:30that was like,
26:30you push my buttons on that.
26:33Because, you know,
26:34it's like a woman
26:34walks into a place
26:35and just like,
26:36hi, you don't even know my name.
26:38You're one inch from pussy.
26:40What do you think about that?
26:42Haven't even met me.
26:43You are one inch from pussy.
26:46We haven't said hello.
26:49You're on the one-yard line.
26:50The game has not begun.
26:54It's amazing.
26:55But I tell you,
26:59you know who I feel sorry for
27:00in America is
27:01whores.
27:05Because what can a whore wear anymore?
27:08You know...
27:11What can a whore wear
27:20to signal the prospective customer?
27:23No, I'm a real whore.
27:24I'm selling this ass.
27:27I'm not on my way
27:28to an award show.
27:29I'm a whore.
27:30A real whore.
27:36But, you know,
27:37we're all whores.
27:38You do know that, right?
27:39That's what Jerry Falwell
27:41and Pat Robertson said
27:42after 9-1-1.
27:44They said,
27:44God let it happen
27:46because we're wicked,
27:48because we're abortionists
27:49and homosexuals
27:50and adulterers,
27:51so God let it happen.
27:53Which I don't agree with,
27:54but it cleared something up for me
27:55because I've always wondered, right?
27:56What's the nature of God?
27:58And now I know.
28:00He's a prick.
28:02He let it happen.
28:04A prick.
28:04Wow.
28:07Interesting.
28:08I had heard good things,
28:09but apparently not.
28:12Are there any Christian fundamentalists
28:14here tonight?
28:16No?
28:17Because, you know,
28:17I have been defending
28:18the Christian fundamentalists
28:20because it really bothers me
28:21when people compare
28:22their fundamentalists with ours.
28:25I hear it all the time.
28:26You know,
28:26we have extremists too.
28:28Yeah,
28:29but this is a great country
28:30because ours are just funny.
28:35The worst ours can do
28:37is like,
28:37you know,
28:38identify the gay Teletubby.
28:41That's like,
28:43it's purple.
28:44It's purple.
28:44You're purple.
28:46Gay.
28:46Hello.
28:47Your kids are seeing a gay...
28:51You know,
28:52whereas in Saudi Arabia,
28:55you know,
28:55our ally...
28:59In Saudi Arabia,
29:01on Friday nights,
29:03they have beheadings
29:04for such crimes
29:05as homosexuality
29:06or adultery
29:07or being an infidel
29:08or not rewinding
29:09or whatever.
29:12So, yes,
29:13Jerry Falwell
29:14and Pat Robertson
29:15are morons
29:15who think homosexuals
29:17are going to burn in hell,
29:18but they're not suggesting
29:19that we go over
29:20to Richard Simmons' house
29:21and cut off his head.
29:22I'm suggesting it.
29:25I'm suggesting it.
29:29In fact,
29:30I'm insisting on it.
29:31No.
29:34Now,
29:34I think Western civilization
29:36is more enlightened
29:37precisely because
29:39we have learned
29:40how to ignore
29:41our religious leaders.
29:43You know,
29:44every religious leader
29:45says things,
29:47you know,
29:47when one of their
29:48ayatollahs
29:48ish is a falafel,
29:50they do it.
29:53We don't follow it.
29:54I mean,
29:54the Pope says
29:55a lot of things.
29:56No premarital sex.
29:58Thank you very much.
30:01Charming.
30:02You are a charmer.
30:04Hey, kids,
30:05get in here.
30:05Look,
30:06it's the Pope.
30:07Oh,
30:08it's like seeing
30:08an albino tiger
30:10in the wild.
30:11How much longer
30:12are you able
30:12to see that?
30:13The Pope.
30:15No masturbation.
30:17He's doing
30:17all his greatest hits.
30:19Look at that.
30:22You're a fabulous
30:23Catholic celebrity.
30:24Now,
30:24go back to the castle.
30:28Sometimes people say to me,
30:30Bill,
30:31you're prejudiced
30:31against the Muslims.
30:33No.
30:34I promise you,
30:34I am not.
30:35Prejudiced
30:36comes from pre-judge.
30:38I am not pre-judging.
30:40I am judging.
30:42Yes,
30:43I am judging
30:44that if your TGIF
30:45is beheadings
30:47and getting stoned
30:50in your country
30:51is a bad thing,
30:53then yes,
30:54you're bringing up
30:55the rear civilization-wise.
30:56You need an enlightenment.
30:57You need a reformation.
30:58You need something.
30:59I don't feel bad
31:00for those 300 killers
31:01we got down
31:02in Guantanamo Bay
31:03always crabbing
31:04about how we don't respect
31:05their religious practices.
31:07You know what?
31:08You're lost.
31:09Eat what we eat.
31:10Here's a cheese-filled
31:11snausage.
31:12Enjoy.
31:12Enjoy.
31:18You don't like that?
31:19Just eat the bun.
31:20You don't like that?
31:20Don't eat anything.
31:21You won't be missed.
31:22I would also say to them
31:25that if we ever find
31:27the body
31:27of a suicide attacker,
31:29we will bury it wrong.
31:32Wrong.
31:32With a hooker
31:33and a bottle
31:34of Jack Daniels.
31:42Facing Barneys.
31:46That's the worst.
31:47But you have to understand,
31:51you have to embrace
31:52the values of Western civilization
31:54are not just different.
31:56They are better.
31:57Okay?
31:58I know a whole generation
31:59has been raised
32:00on the notion
32:00of multiculturalism,
32:02that all civilizations
32:03are just different.
32:05No, not always.
32:06Sometimes things are better.
32:08Rule of law is better
32:10than autocracy and theocracy.
32:12Equality of the sexes,
32:14better.
32:14Protection of minorities,
32:15better.
32:16Free speech, better.
32:18Free elections, better.
32:19Free appliances
32:20with large purchases, better.
32:34Don't get so tolerant
32:35that you tolerate intolerance.
32:38Remember what happened
32:39to Salman Rushdie?
32:40He wrote a book.
32:41It got mixed reviews.
32:42Some people liked it.
32:46Some people wanted
32:47his head on a stick.
32:49No one should have to die
32:50for writing a book,
32:51with the exception
32:52of the bridges
32:53of Madison County.
32:54I will...
32:55But look,
32:59I will always defend
33:00the West,
33:01our way of life,
33:02but I sure understand
33:03why people hate us
33:05around the world.
33:06And that's not just Arabs
33:07and not just Muslims.
33:08Lots of people hate us
33:09and they're not all wrong.
33:10I'll give you an example
33:11just from our own hemisphere.
33:13Do you know
33:14what Plan Columbia is?
33:16Well,
33:17you get the first 12 CDs
33:18for a penny.
33:22Now,
33:22Plan Columbia
33:23is a massive
33:24defoliation program
33:26that we have going,
33:27that our military
33:28is conducting
33:28in the country of Columbia,
33:30that is ruining
33:31their countryside.
33:32Why are we doing it?
33:34Because there are
33:34some plants down there
33:35that are evil.
33:36How do we know
33:38they're evil?
33:39Well,
33:39they don't have
33:40Bristol-Myers Squibb,
33:41Eli Lilly,
33:42or Pfizer written on them.
33:46So,
33:47and by the way,
33:52if cocaine gave you
33:53an erection
33:54instead of took one away,
33:55not only would it be legal,
33:57but Bob Dole
33:58would do ads for it.
33:59We do give the world
34:04the impression
34:05that we think
34:05American lives
34:07are more valuable
34:08than anybody else's lives,
34:09which is odd
34:10because we're supposed
34:10to be a religious people.
34:12And I thought God
34:13made humans
34:13and not Americans,
34:15but I didn't even know
34:16he was a prick.
34:19I think people hate us
34:20around the world
34:21because they perceive
34:22that we waste
34:23when we could share,
34:24and they're not
34:25totally wrong about that.
34:26We are gluttonous.
34:28We shop with forkless.
34:29We eat giant food
34:34off of giant plates.
34:36We have a holiday
34:37where we stuff food
34:38into other food.
34:42I mean,
34:43Thanksgiving is really typical
34:50of how we think
34:51about third world
34:51indigenous people.
34:52We celebrate
34:53the one nice moment
34:55we ever had
34:55with the Indians.
34:57It would be like
34:58a date rapist saying,
34:59let's concentrate
35:00on the nice dinner
35:00we had early
35:01in the evening.
35:07Yeah.
35:08I'm not...
35:09You know,
35:15if you're an American
35:16and you're born
35:17at this time
35:17of the history
35:18especially,
35:19you're lucky.
35:20We all are.
35:21We won the world
35:22history Powerball lottery.
35:24But a little modesty
35:25about it
35:26might keep the heat
35:27off of us,
35:27you know?
35:28I can't take people
35:29who say things like,
35:30we built this country.
35:31You built nothing.
35:34I think the railroads
35:35were pretty much up
35:36by 1980.
35:40These are the same people
35:42who always get all uppity
35:43about immigration.
35:44They're taking American jobs.
35:46Yeah, right.
35:48Like you'd stand
35:48on the freeway
35:49and sell oranges
35:50out of a bag.
35:56These poor people
35:57swim through
35:58a river of sludge
35:59to get here
36:00to park our cars,
36:02pick our fruit,
36:03blow our leaves.
36:04They do all the jobs
36:05nobody else wants to do
36:07like landscaping
36:08and impregnating Madonna.
36:10And what do people say?
36:16Keep them out.
36:17Build a wall,
36:18which is a dumb idea.
36:19Walls never work.
36:20The one they're building
36:21in Israel
36:22isn't going to work.
36:23The Berlin Wall
36:24didn't work.
36:24The Great Wall of China
36:25didn't work.
36:26That invisible space diaphragm
36:28that we're putting up there.
36:30Although that one,
36:31I must say,
36:32when I read recently
36:33that the North Korean guy,
36:36Lil' Kim,
36:36when I read
36:42that he had missiles
36:43that could reach Los Angeles,
36:44I was like,
36:45what is the delay
36:45with the space shield, please?
36:48Could we get
36:48the magic umbrella
36:49up and working?
36:53Because you see,
36:54danger focuses the mind.
36:56I don't know why
36:57that hasn't worked
36:58better here already.
36:59Like, especially
36:59at the airport,
37:00you'd think that would be
37:01the one place
37:02where it would have
37:02worked better.
37:03And people say,
37:04oh, things have gotten
37:05better at the airport.
37:07Really?
37:08No, they've gotten whiter.
37:10It looks to me
37:11like they just fired
37:11all the black people
37:12and hired white people.
37:13I don't know why,
37:14but it used to be
37:15Shaniqua with the
37:16eight-inch fingernails
37:16going through my bag.
37:19And now it's a white guy
37:20named Roy.
37:21But white, black,
37:24they're still using
37:24the same method.
37:26Random.
37:28Random.
37:29Al Gore, famously,
37:31was pulled out of line.
37:33Al Gore.
37:34Now, come on.
37:35He's two electoral votes
37:36for being president,
37:37but he's the terrorist?
37:40At least that's how
37:41they reported it
37:42on Fox News.
37:43But, uh...
37:44But, come on.
37:50We really need
37:51to search Al Gore,
37:53and they gave him
37:53the full search,
37:54including the anal
37:55cavity search.
37:56And they found his head.
37:57Oh.
38:01Oh.
38:04You know what?
38:04You gotta get over that.
38:05Al Gore lost that election
38:07all by himself
38:08by maintaining his pledge
38:09to end charisma
38:10as we know it.
38:13You gotta get over
38:14Florida, Democrats.
38:15Seriously.
38:15The Republicans
38:16did not steal
38:17that election.
38:19It did fall off a truck.
38:20But they didn't
38:23exactly steal it.
38:26But, no.
38:26I mean, come on.
38:27At the airports,
38:28it was over a year
38:29after 9-1-1
38:30when people
38:31at the airport,
38:32the authorities,
38:33were still using
38:33the honor system.
38:34Remember we still had
38:35to answer those two
38:36brilliant questions?
38:37Did you pack
38:38your own bags?
38:41No, Allah
38:41packed my bags.
38:45What?
38:45Bad answer?
38:46You know,
38:50we still have to
38:51show our ID
38:52three times.
38:53That's the key.
38:54Three times
38:55before you get
38:56on the plane
38:56because who could
38:57ever have a fake ID?
38:59Bush's daughters
39:00had a fake ID.
39:04Come on.
39:08ID.
39:09Like it's gonna say,
39:09Carlos the Jackal.
39:11Write on it.
39:11Mr. the Jackal,
39:12please step out of line.
39:16The first thing
39:16they did at LAX
39:17after the attack
39:18to calm everybody's nerves
39:20was they put out
39:21a decree.
39:22No more curbside drop-offs
39:24except by licensed people.
39:28Only licensed taxis
39:30and limousines.
39:32All of which,
39:32of course,
39:33are driven by people
39:34from Afghanistan,
39:35Pakistan,
39:36fuck you, Stan,
39:37we hate you, Stan,
39:38shove it up your ass, Stan.
39:41You know,
39:42if that Republican
39:43slogan machine
39:44could just come up
39:44with a better name
39:45than profiling,
39:47if they would just call it
39:48proactive intelligence screening,
39:50people would go,
39:51it's about time
39:52we had a little of that
39:53around here.
39:55Because, you know,
39:56it's good to be colorblind,
39:57and it's good to be
39:58ethnic blind,
40:00and it's good to be
40:01religious blind,
40:02but at the end of the day,
40:03blind does mean
40:05you can't see.
40:07And if you can't see,
40:09how are you gonna tell
40:10what color it is
40:11on the terrorist threat
40:12advisory chart?
40:13Because, you know,
40:15I go by that thing.
40:17Don't you?
40:18Because, you know,
40:18like when it's yellow,
40:19I'm pretty normal.
40:21You know, I'm just,
40:22you know, maybe,
40:22maybe I look around
40:23every four or five.
40:25But when it's orange,
40:27I, what,
40:28take a sweater?
40:29I mean, what,
40:30what is the plan here?
40:32Now, you know that
40:43we are not serious
40:45about winning the terror war
40:46for one simple reason,
40:48because we still have
40:49a drug war.
40:50I think it's very telling
40:52that the last airport
40:53incident I heard about
40:54before 9-1-1
40:55was when Aaron Sorkin,
40:57the brilliant writer-producer
40:58of the West Wing,
40:59got caught
40:59trying to take mushrooms
41:01to Las Vegas.
41:03Ooh, when I heard that,
41:04I said,
41:05what a great idea.
41:09And I wonder why
41:10this guy wins the Emmy
41:10every year.
41:11That's a brilliant way
41:13to make that town bearable.
41:14But thank God
41:23they got him, huh?
41:23Because, you know,
41:24if we start letting
41:25creative people
41:26take funny mushrooms
41:27to resort cities,
41:29what,
41:30what would happen?
41:31Please tell me.
41:32Take me down
41:33that slippery slope
41:34from Aaron Sorkin
41:35with his mushrooms
41:36to your kid
41:37turning tricks behind
41:38a dumpster
41:39to make a fix.
41:40Take me on that journey
41:42and I will get behind
41:43the drug war.
41:45The police report
41:46said that Mr. Sorkin's
41:47judgment was impaired
41:49getting on the plane.
41:51I hope so.
41:53Isn't that what
41:54we're trying for?
41:55I mean,
41:55is he driving the plane?
41:57Because if not,
41:58why do we need judgment
41:59on the plane?
42:00Peanuts,
42:01trail mix,
42:02I don't know.
42:05I can't decide.
42:07Four bucks
42:08for the Sandra Bullock movie.
42:11My mind is cloudy.
42:12judgment impaired
42:17going to Las Vegas,
42:19a town built
42:21on impairing
42:21people's judgment.
42:23Have you ever been
42:24to a casino?
42:25There's no clocks,
42:26there's no oxygen,
42:27they're plying you
42:28with liquor,
42:29you need a police dog
42:30just to find your way out.
42:32But don't get fucked up
42:33on the way.
42:35Let the professionals
42:36fuck you up.
42:39That's...
42:39That's...
42:39Which...
42:43Which is,
42:48by the way,
42:49the official drug policy
42:50of the United States government.
42:51I'm not kidding,
42:52that is our drug policy.
42:53Let the professionals
42:55fuck you up.
42:56It's not like we don't
42:56have drugs in this country,
42:57we've got a million drugs.
42:59Let the professionals
43:00do it, though.
43:01Why is marijuana,
43:02the one drug
43:03that never killed anybody,
43:05somehow on the illegal
43:06side of the divide?
43:07Why does every
43:08administration,
43:09Democrat, Republican,
43:10take the same stupid dodge
43:12about,
43:12we need to do more study?
43:14Yeah,
43:14they all study it.
43:15You know what they found?
43:16It makes you eat
43:17cookie dough.
43:18I think the drugs
43:25that are a lot scarier
43:26are the ones they advertise
43:27on the 6.30 evening news.
43:30Those...
43:31I mean,
43:36they advertise
43:38these prescription drugs
43:39that,
43:40I damned if I know
43:41what the problem is,
43:43what the cure is,
43:45it's just vaguely happy people.
43:47Just...
43:48It's a woman
43:49in a wheat field.
43:54She's just very happy
43:55about wheat.
43:56I don't,
43:56you know,
43:57there's...
43:57There's one with a guy
43:59dancing on a melting clock.
44:01I'm not kidding.
44:02He's dancing
44:02on a melting clock.
44:05You may not need.
44:06I don't care about need.
44:07I want that one,
44:08okay?
44:08That's...
44:09That's his past need.
44:11Tell your doctor.
44:14Tell your doctor?
44:15Shouldn't your doctor
44:18tell you
44:19what drugs you need?
44:21When you tell your doctor,
44:23isn't he just a dealer
44:24at that point?
44:25It's funny,
44:39in America,
44:39half the people
44:40in this country
44:41think that drugs
44:42is what you have
44:43to regulate
44:44to make us safer,
44:45and half the people
44:45think guns.
44:46That's what you've got
44:47to regulate
44:47to make us safer.
44:48But I always think,
44:49if you're going to regulate
44:49one thing
44:50that has the most potential
44:52to cause death
44:53and destruction,
44:55religion.
44:55You've got to start
44:56with religion,
44:57and...
44:58I don't say this
45:01out of bitterness.
45:02Look,
45:02I was raised Catholic,
45:04but, you know,
45:04I was never molested,
45:06and I'm a little insulted.
45:08Quite frankly,
45:09I...
45:09I guess they didn't
45:11find me attractive,
45:12but I was attractive,
45:14and it's their loss.
45:15I really understand
45:20how this nightmare
45:21of clerical pedophilia
45:22could have happened,
45:23because if you're a priest
45:24and you spend
45:24your whole life
45:25spewing this nonsense
45:27about the snake
45:28and the whale
45:29and the apple
45:30and the rib,
45:31it's like,
45:31oh, fuck it,
45:32just blow me, kid.
45:35What the fuck?
45:36It's...
45:37What, just...
45:38Also,
45:42what is so hard
45:43about just saying
45:44the words,
45:45I don't know.
45:48I don't know.
45:49Of course,
45:50there are questions
45:51that plague all of us.
45:52How did we get here?
45:54What happens when we die?
45:56Is there a heaven?
45:57Am I on the list?
45:59Who let the dogs out?
46:01Yes.
46:03But why would you believe
46:05what some other human being
46:06whose brain,
46:07I promise you,
46:08is no bigger
46:09or better than yours,
46:10when he tells you
46:10he knows what happens
46:12when you die?
46:13Don't masturbate.
46:14Now you won't get
46:15to hang out
46:16with Jesus in heaven.
46:17How do I know?
46:18I've got a pointy hat.
46:22I've got a hat
46:23and a robe
46:23and I have smoke
46:24and a wand.
46:25It's so gay,
46:26the whole church.
46:27It's just...
46:28Could they just come
46:29out of the closet,
46:30really?
46:30I mean,
46:31it's just so,
46:33you know,
46:33every Sunday
46:34it's such a pageant
46:35with the costumes
46:36and the wands
46:38and the goblets
46:38and the smoke
46:39and the kneeling down
46:40in front of another man
46:41with your mouth open.
46:44Nothing gay about that.
46:46No.
46:48Nothing gay there.
46:53So.
46:56Are our religions corrupt?
46:58Yes, of course they are.
46:59But once again,
46:59I have to say,
47:01their religions,
47:02even worse.
47:03Even worse.
47:03I mean,
47:03that thing about
47:04the 72 virgins,
47:06that's the lowest.
47:07Promising pussy
47:08in the afterlife
47:09is the lowest thing
47:10I've ever heard
47:11in my life.
47:15I mean,
47:16I am no Christian,
47:17but I do think
47:18Jesus is a fantastic
47:19role model
47:20and the reason he is
47:21is because he never
47:22said anything like,
47:24blessed are the meek,
47:25for they shall get laid.
47:31Also, by the way,
47:3272 virgins,
47:33is very suspicious to me.
47:34It's a clue.
47:35It tells you
47:36we're dealing with people
47:37from a bartering culture.
47:40Because nobody starts
47:41with that number.
47:42Somebody said,
47:43100 virgins,
47:4350,
47:4485,
47:4569,
47:4679,
47:4771,
47:4873,
47:4872,
47:49done.
47:51That's how you got 72.
47:55Yes.
47:57We are dealing with people
47:59from the Middle East.
48:01Arabs and Jews
48:02who have a lot more in common
48:03than they would like to admit.
48:04And one of the things
48:05they have in common
48:06is that they're from
48:07the Middle East,
48:09which was called that
48:10because it's in the middle.
48:12Because everything that went
48:13from Europe to Asia
48:15always through,
48:16the commerce always had to go through
48:17the middle.
48:20That's why Columbus
48:21was looking for another way.
48:23And people said to him,
48:26Chris,
48:27if you take this journey,
48:28you're going to die.
48:30And he said,
48:32I would rather sail off the edge
48:34of the fucking world
48:35than deal with those people
48:37one more day.
48:44Have you been to the mall?
48:46But people from the Middle East,
48:51they are good with money.
48:52That is in their history.
48:53It is in their heritage.
48:55Terrorists are very good
48:57with money for that reason.
48:58They're brilliant
48:58at laundering money.
49:00It's the one thing
49:00they do launder.
49:05Oh, Bill.
49:07Don't make fun of the people
49:08who attack this.
49:10No, it's true.
49:11They know how to move things
49:12through untraceable items,
49:14including,
49:14and I know women
49:15hate to hear this,
49:16diamonds.
49:16A good way to fight terrorism?
49:18Don't buy diamonds
49:19because they move
49:20stuff through diamonds.
49:22And, well,
49:23I know women
49:25hate to hear that
49:26because women think
49:26about diamonds
49:27the way men think
49:28about sex,
49:29the way leeches
49:30think about blood.
49:33But diamonds
49:34have a lot of blood on them.
49:35Even without
49:35the terrorist connection,
49:36take that away,
49:37they have a lot of blood
49:38on them because diamonds
49:39are mined in Africa
49:41by rebel armies
49:42and the rebel armies
49:43control the territory
49:44and make the villagers
49:45mine the diamonds
49:46and they control them
49:47through terror,
49:49through such lovely things
49:50as cutting off the arms
49:51of the little children,
49:53something you never see
49:54in the De Beers commercials.
49:56Now, I told this
49:57to a woman recently
49:58who was only about
49:58the nicest person
49:59I've ever met,
50:01but she is a woman.
50:02And I told her
50:03about Africa
50:04and the armies
50:05and the rebels
50:05and the terror
50:06and the cutting off
50:07the arms
50:08of the little children
50:09and she looked up
50:10at me
50:10with a little sad face
50:11and said,
50:12both arms?
50:16I swear to God,
50:17that's a true story.
50:20Now, I know
50:21it's the national law
50:22here in America
50:22that women are more
50:23evolved than men,
50:24but if that's true,
50:25how come they're still
50:26so impressed
50:26by shiny objects?
50:29I'm just asking.
50:30I'm just asking.
50:32Please,
50:33it is not anti-woman
50:34just to talk about women.
50:36Okay?
50:36And we're going
50:37to do it now.
50:39Because when I say
50:40this is a feminized country,
50:42first of all,
50:42understand that I get it
50:44that there are millions
50:45and millions of women
50:46who are steely-eyed realists
50:48and millions and millions
50:49of men who are anything but.
50:51However,
50:52for lack of a better term,
50:54I would say
50:54that the feminine values
50:56are now the values
50:58of America.
50:59Sensitivity
51:00is more important
51:01than truth.
51:03Feelings
51:03are more important
51:04than facts.
51:05Commitment
51:06is more important
51:07than individuality.
51:09Children
51:09are more important
51:10than people.
51:12Safety
51:12is more important
51:13than fun.
51:15I always hear women say,
51:16you know,
51:16married men
51:17live longer.
51:18Uh, yes,
51:19and an indoor cat
51:21also
51:23lives longer.
51:28It's a furball
51:30with a broken spirit
51:31that can only
51:31look out on a world
51:33it will never enjoy,
51:35but it does
51:35technically live longer.
51:40See,
51:41this is very personal
51:42to me
51:42because I'm like
51:44the last of my guy friends
51:45who have never gotten married
51:46and their wives,
51:48they don't want them
51:48playing with me.
51:49You know,
51:50I'm like the escaped slave.
51:52I bring news of freedom.
51:54You know,
51:54it's not a good thing
51:56to have me around,
51:57you know.
51:58Keep the husbands
51:59in the dark.
51:59They're happier that way.
52:00So I know women
52:04don't have it easy
52:05in America,
52:06but it is sort of
52:06politically incorrect
52:08just to be male
52:09in this country now.
52:11I mean,
52:11look at television,
52:12look at any sitcom.
52:13The wife
52:14is always brilliant
52:15and ethereal
52:16and right about everything,
52:18and the husband
52:18is always a dumb fuck
52:20lucky to have found her.
52:22The only smart men
52:24on television
52:25are Frasier
52:26and his brother,
52:27both of whom
52:27are gayer
52:28than Little Richard's
52:29underpants.
52:29so I understand
52:35that women suffer,
52:37but I don't think
52:38it's as much publicized
52:39that a lot of men
52:40in America
52:41are living lives
52:43of quiet desperation,
52:45lobotomized
52:46of their libido,
52:47anesthetizing themselves
52:49with sports
52:50and pornography,
52:51and living
52:52in an Orwellian world
52:53where we have to
52:54pretend to concur
52:56with the woman's
52:57point of view.
52:58on any TV show
52:59in America,
53:00if somebody got up there
53:01and said,
53:01you know,
53:02women are smarter
53:02than men,
53:03automatic round of applause.
53:05If somebody said,
53:06men are smarter
53:06than women,
53:07you'd be booed
53:07off the stage.
53:08I mean,
53:08what does that tell you
53:09about our culture
53:10that we have to pretend
53:11that one sex
53:13is smarter than the other?
53:15Women are smarter
53:15than men.
53:16If women ran the world,
53:19there'd be no wars.
53:21Being pregnant is sexy.
53:24You know,
53:24just a whole roster
53:27of things
53:27that we don't really believe,
53:29but we pretend to believe
53:31because it's easier
53:31to make women nod
53:33than to live
53:33in the doghouse.
53:36I heard one
53:37on daytime TV
53:38the other day.
53:38Only a woman
53:39could have said this,
53:40and of course,
53:41everyone pretended
53:41it was true.
53:42She said,
53:43a couple should explore
53:44their mutual fantasies.
53:49There are no such things
53:50as mutual fantasies.
53:54Yours bore us,
53:55ours offend you.
54:00Trust me.
54:06Ladies, trust me,
54:07there is no fantasy
54:08where a handsome prince
54:09runs to you
54:11across a meadow
54:11and takes you
54:12in his arms
54:13and pledges
54:14his undying love
54:15and then comes
54:16on your face.
54:17Okay?
54:20That would be
54:21a mutual fantasy
54:23if you've ever seen
54:24a porn movie.
54:32But I think men
54:33are just tired
54:34of apologizing
54:35for being men,
54:36and I think women
54:37would be a lot happier
54:38if you'd stop making us
54:39apologize for it.
54:41You'd save yourselves
54:42a lot of wear and tear.
54:43For one thing,
54:44give you one example,
54:45no woman in America
54:46would ever get
54:46breast implants.
54:47Because if you really
54:48got inside the man's mind,
54:50you'd understand
54:50that it's never about
54:52big or little
54:53or short or tall
54:54or blonde or brunette.
54:56It's only about
54:58old and new.
55:04Hugh Grant
55:05had Elizabeth Hurley
55:06at home,
55:07he wanted Marvin Hagler
55:08in a wig.
55:17You cannot reform
55:18biology.
55:20And by the way,
55:21the male impetus
55:22to spread our seed
55:24is why we are
55:25a successful species.
55:26That is why
55:26we're sitting here
55:27right now.
55:28But do we get
55:28thanks for it?
55:29No, we get impeached.
55:30Hey, you know what?
55:37That whole election
55:38was a feminized issue
55:39because that 2000 election
55:40was all about
55:41the Republican
55:42marketing machine.
55:44They were able
55:44to morph monogamy
55:46into integrity.
55:48The same way
55:48they morphed
55:49Bin Laden
55:49into Hussein.
55:51I mean,
55:51Bush's whole campaign
55:52was,
55:53we're going to be
55:53restoring integrity.
55:55Well, excuse me,
55:56but the Bush family,
55:57especially when they're
55:58running for the White House,
55:59has no more integrity
56:00than anybody else.
56:02They do what they have to
56:03to win like everybody else.
56:05Maybe they don't have less,
56:05but they don't have more.
56:07The difference is
56:08they fuck their wives.
56:11And that's what he ran on.
56:12I fuck my wife!
56:15I'm a wife fucker.
56:16I have integrity.
56:17I fuck my wife!
56:19Unlike a certain president
56:20I could name.
56:22And his vice president
56:24who was there,
56:25was there.
56:26They make it sound like
56:27Al Gore was holding
56:28Monica's hair,
56:29you know?
56:30Come on, babe.
56:33Come on, honey.
56:36Finish up.
56:37I got Arafat waiting
56:38in the rose garden here, babe.
56:41I mean, come on.
56:42The Star Report
56:44was a marketing document.
56:47It had nothing to do
56:48with the law
56:48and everything to do
56:50with making sure
56:51everybody knew
56:52all the lurid little details,
56:54like that one of their
56:56trysts took place
56:58on Easter.
57:01That's right.
57:02The president
57:03had his dick
57:04in a Jew's mouth
57:06on Easter.
57:10Run against that,
57:11motherfucker.
57:12And Al Gore took the bait.
57:17That's why Al Gore
57:19tried to prove
57:20that he loved
57:20his wife even more.
57:21Remember he kissed her
57:22at the convention,
57:23that disgusting kiss?
57:24Have you ever seen
57:24anything so disgusting?
57:27Can you imagine
57:27any other politician?
57:29Can you imagine
57:29Richard Nixon?
57:30Come here, Pat,
57:31you bitch.
57:33I'm gonna chew on your ass,
57:34you little...
57:35But that was Al Gore's
57:39way of saying,
57:39I fuck my wife, too.
57:42And a week later,
57:43George Bush
57:44let himself get caught
57:45on camera
57:46grabbing his wife's ass.
57:48Because that's his way
57:49of saying,
57:50oh, you're not gonna steal
57:51the integrity issue
57:51from us.
57:53We're the wife fuckers
57:54in this election.
57:55I fuck my wife,
57:57my brother fucks his wife,
57:58my dad even fucks his wife.
58:01And that's a lot of integrity.
58:04Thank you very much,
58:05ladies and gentlemen.
58:06You're a great crowd.
58:10I appreciate you coming out.
58:19Thank you very much.
58:20Thank you very much.
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