- 2 days ago
Live at the Apollo - Season 20 Episode 3 -
Dara Ó Briain, Jack Skipper, Felicity Ward
Dara Ó Briain, Jack Skipper, Felicity Ward
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Brie!
00:30Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
00:41My name is Dara O'Brie and it is a pleasure and I'd like to be back here doing this.
00:44I love doing this. I've had to pause, by the way, doing things like comedy tours,
00:48because I've just got an acting job, pretty big acting job, so you're very kind.
00:53I'm playing the lead role in the new Greg Wallace biopic.
00:57It's been on the cards for a while, but we had to postpone it just to rewrite the ending.
01:07No, it is a delight to be back doing this, because I'm on the tour,
01:12bringing you exciting news of all over the place.
01:15Firstly, Dublin, where I'm from. Anyone here ever been to Dublin?
01:18Of course, I know, you've all been to Dublin, right?
01:21There is a part of Dublin, by the way, called Temple Bar, right?
01:25Yeah, a lot of you are familiar with it. Of course, you should be familiar with it,
01:29because we built it for you.
01:31Honestly, it was very much built with British tourists in mind.
01:35It's like a big ball pit that we drop you into and then we go off and have pints somewhere else.
01:40And every so often, we come back and go, how are you doing?
01:42And you're always thrilled.
01:44But this is a genuine thing that I noticed in Dublin earlier in the year,
01:49an amazing thing, an amazing business that I've not got into,
01:52for a reason that will become really obvious, but it's incredible.
01:55It's down a genuine lane in Temple Bar, right in the middle of Dublin,
01:58called Crane Lane. And I've never been to it, but you can see it.
02:01You can see sideways down the lane a neon sign, a magical neon sign
02:05that has three wonderful words buzzing away in neon every night.
02:09It just says, lap dancing casino.
02:13And I've never gone in, because how can it really live up to
02:17what's happening in my imagination every time I see and that,
02:20where men furtively walk in going,
02:22yeah, I'd love a lap dance, please.
02:26And the guy goes, certainly, sir.
02:29Huh?
02:31Duk, duk, duk, duk, duk.
02:36Jake.
02:40What?
02:41Sometimes you win, sir.
02:43Sometimes.
02:44So if you could just sit there, please.
02:47Yeah, are you in Dublin for work, are you?
02:50Ah, Lord, I love doing this thing.
02:55I love doing that.
02:56But there is an element of, you're bobbing around, you know,
02:58I'm not getting any younger, you know, aching a bit here and there
03:00with it all.
03:01I occasionally get back pain.
03:02I'm a big guy.
03:03I'm a big guy.
03:04You know me.
03:05Like, I'm a big guy.
03:06But I'm also a big guy, right?
03:07I'm six foot four.
03:08And by the way, long term, interesting note,
03:10doctors have said that actually long term,
03:12the greater determinant of my long term health will be my height
03:15rather than my weight, because of course I will die the death
03:18of a tall man.
03:20Which is, of course, to be hit by a bus mirror.
03:23I love that joke, right?
03:30Because tall people really get that joke, right?
03:33Because we've all had a moment to go, Jesus, where did that come
03:35from?
03:36Right?
03:37Yeah.
03:38But short people, whoosh.
03:39No.
03:40When you get older, when you get older, yeah, your attitude changes.
03:52For example, electric bikes.
03:53I love electric bikes.
03:54I use electric bikes all the time.
03:56Like, when I was younger, I wouldn't have used electric bikes.
03:58I was in my twenties.
03:59Oh, I'd be insulted by the thought of using electric bikes.
04:01Right?
04:02But now I think they're great.
04:03And in fact, studies have shown that if you use electric bikes,
04:05you'll ride for longer and you'll enjoy the ride more.
04:08Sorry, do I keep saying electric bikes?
04:11Viagra.
04:12Yeah.
04:17If you're watching at home, now rewind and re-watch the joke.
04:20It is watertight.
04:21It is absolutely thick.
04:24No, but occasionally you get things like little twinges in the back,
04:26for example.
04:27Hey, we all get these things, little problem in the back.
04:29I used to do a thing where I'd go for a massage every so often
04:31just to relax the back and all that.
04:33And I remember talking to a friend, also in his 50s,
04:35he went, well, hang on, have you actually hurt your back?
04:37And I said, yeah, yeah, no, it's quite bad.
04:38He said, what are you doing?
04:39Are you going to do a massage?
04:40Oh, yeah, yeah, I do.
04:41Yeah, yeah.
04:42It's all right, you know, he said.
04:43No, no, no, no, no.
04:44You don't, no, no.
04:45If you've genuinely hurt yourself, don't go to, you know,
04:47what you mean with like the whale music and the towels
04:49and the whole, yeah.
04:50No, no, you go to a physio.
04:52That's who you go to if you've genuinely hurt your back.
04:54Are there any physios in the room?
04:56Beauty dot around.
04:57This is the difference you should know, by the way.
04:58People don't know the distinction between these two things.
05:00That is not the same situation.
05:01I went to the physio instead of going for a massage.
05:04Holy shit!
05:05It is a different situation entirely, right?
05:08I was trained on like, oh, how would you, how soft,
05:10how relaxing would you like it to be?
05:12Not with a physio.
05:13A physio couldn't give a shite.
05:15Which, what oil you prefer, doesn't give a dab.
05:18When the massage person goes, I'm just going to go down your arm.
05:21Mmm, I'm just going to go down the other arm.
05:23No, not the physio.
05:25The physios goes, walk to there.
05:26Yeah, turn around.
05:27Yeah, walk back again.
05:28Yeah, I know what the problem is.
05:29Lie down.
05:30Yeah.
05:31It's here.
05:32It's right here.
05:34And you're on this plank going,
05:36Jesus, could you at least do me shoulders just to ease me in,
05:39for Christ's sake.
05:41But no, there's no easing in.
05:43It's like, nah, this is what I do.
05:45This is all I do.
05:46I do this for 20 minutes.
05:48And then you get up, you pay me 60 quid,
05:50and you piss off.
05:51And it is amazing.
05:57Oh, yeah.
05:58No, once you've had that, you can't go back to the fluffy towels
06:01and the essential oils.
06:03Once you've had the heroin, you can't have the chamomile tea.
06:06That's an old saying from the streets.
06:12Of Hammersmith.
06:15But no, it's amazing.
06:18And I feel bad about this because now I never go and get a normal massage,
06:21right?
06:22And I don't feel bad about that.
06:23Like, whatever.
06:24Because the massage, as we know,
06:25oh, massage is a wonderful thing.
06:26It's very, very physical.
06:27It helps people.
06:28It's very, very comfortable for people.
06:29But it's also really unfortunate massage.
06:31And no, to anyone who works in massage,
06:33it's the only bit of the healthcare industry,
06:35of the whole healthcare world,
06:37that has sort of been adopted or stolen by sex workers
06:41for some reason.
06:43And that's really unfortunate because that does, you know,
06:45people have made them.
06:46Look, I, I am that soldier, right?
06:49I was in Australia and I twanged me back.
06:51And I walked around this place and Adelaide going,
06:53Jesus, is there anywhere here that does massage?
06:55And a young woman in the newsagent, my own age, like,
06:57went, oh, yeah, there's a massage place over there.
06:59And I presume, well, this is going to be legit.
07:00So she's in her 20s, I'm in her 20s, that's crap.
07:02She must be sending me to somewhere good.
07:04Went into the place, walked in, there's a woman there.
07:06And I said, hello, do you do massage?
07:07And she goes, absolutely.
07:08And she shows me the board and the prices were on the board.
07:10She said, it's $60 for a massage or $100 for fantasy.
07:19I'm a young and innocent man abroad for the first time.
07:22And I'm going, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
07:25Presuming she's going to go, well, in fantasy,
07:27we dress up as orcs.
07:29And we stomp around you, reading out rules and incantations
07:36in an ancient, elvish language.
07:38And then we have a huge sword slice.
07:41And at the end, we take a 20-sided dice,
07:43and we roll the 20-sided dice.
07:45And if you score 18 or more, we wank you off.
07:48We wank you off.
07:55But she did not say that.
07:58And I said, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
08:00She says, well, in fantasy, the masseuse takes off her top.
08:03And I instantly turned into every innocent 1930s Irishman abroad.
08:09In the right of the room, I started going, oh, oh, Jesus, no, oh, stop now.
08:12I'm sick with heart.
08:13No, I can't be.
08:14Ah, stop.
08:15And started backing out of the room.
08:17Ah, no, God, no, no, no judging.
08:18No judging.
08:19You do you.
08:20You do whatever you have to do, right?
08:21But, ah, oh, jeez, ah, what did my mother say?
08:23Ah, God, she's not even dead.
08:24Why am I looking to heaven?
08:25Ah, eh, eh.
08:26Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it.
08:28Stop it, stop it, stop it.
08:29Like, whatever.
08:30I absolutely was not, ah, no, no.
08:31And she said, what's wrong?
08:32And I said, ah, no.
08:33I said, oh, no, no, I've misunderstood.
08:34I've misunderstood.
08:35I said, no, no, I've genuinely hurt my back.
08:37And I genuinely need somebody to do some work to help me, you know,
08:41because I've hurt my back, right?
08:42And God love her, this woman running a rub and tug joint in Adelaide
08:47genuinely looked at me and said, we can give it a go.
08:50With a real Australian can-do spirit.
08:59No one's ever asked for that before, you pervert.
09:01God love massage is the only field that's how you get mixed up
09:08with the sex industry.
09:09You've never gone for a dental appointment.
09:12And a new dentist, and then you walk in, and the woman's at the desk
09:17going, oh, yeah, at the 2.30, absolutely, you just wait in there.
09:20And you sit, you know, on that, like, that vinyl slopey chair
09:23with the weird shape, and you're just sitting there going,
09:24OK, well, I hope I can thumb on my tooth.
09:26My tooth's really hurting.
09:27I hope I can thumb about my tooth, like whatever.
09:29And the dentist goes, OK, yeah, are you my 2.30 instead?
09:32And I said, yeah, OK, well, we'll just get started.
09:34And then the music starts, and he starts going, wham, bam, bam.
09:38What?
09:39Are you a sexy dentist?
09:42And the dentist goes, yes, is this not what you're looking for?
09:44No, I genuinely hurt my tooth.
09:46I can give it a go.
09:48No, for God.
09:50Any one of those things?
09:53Look, the one thing we should, and I feel proud in taking this,
09:56as an older person doing, like, a broadly younger audience,
09:58you should know this, like whatever.
10:00People worry about their health in many different ways.
10:02One thing you should do is none of us reach the finishing line
10:05of this race intact.
10:07None of us, no matter how healthy we are, none of us are 100%
10:11what was promised by the time we finish our lives.
10:14Bits of either fallen off, being cut off, never arrived.
10:18All of us have an inventory of stuff that we should have,
10:21but we don't have, and sometimes very simple.
10:23There.
10:24There's a good one.
10:25Start with, like, that.
10:26I, for example, only have three wisdom teeth.
10:28The first three came up normally, and the fourth one,
10:30all the first two had to be removed when they came up,
10:32because they were caught in all sort of misshaping of the teeth,
10:34like whatever.
10:35And the fourth one clearly saw all this happening,
10:37and went, oh, no, that's a bit of a bother,
10:39and then just disappeared into my body
10:41and never appeared again.
10:45Much more dramatically, though, right,
10:47when I was 18, I went into hospital
10:50for a procedure called an orchidectomy.
10:53Now, some medical people know that there's an orchidectomy,
10:57is the surgical open...
10:59It'll open you up, basically,
11:00to search and remove an undescended testicle.
11:03Because orchid, unbelievably, orchid,
11:07makes no sense whatsoever,
11:09is the medical word for testicle.
11:13Orchid testicle.
11:14There's no reason, you can't...
11:15There must have been some weird meeting
11:16of the Royal Society of Medicine back in the 1700s,
11:19when they're naming body parts, right?
11:21And there's all these gentleman doctors
11:23with long beards and frock coats going,
11:24well, gentlemen, we've done wonderful work today.
11:26We've named the medulla oblongata,
11:28the gluteus maximus, and the clavicle.
11:31But now, I'm afraid,
11:32we must name a more delicate part of the body,
11:35a more private part of the body,
11:38a genital part of the body,
11:42and all the 17th century men go,
11:44murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
11:46OK.
11:47And then at the back, one voice goes,
11:48uh, perhaps I can help.
11:54And they all turn and go,
11:55oh, Dr. Fou-fou-le-floof.
12:03Is there something you wish to add at this stage?
12:06I would merely say,
12:07if you have to name this most delicate region of the body,
12:10we should name it after the thing it most resembles,
12:12which is, of course...
12:18...a flower.
12:21Because like the flower, this part of the body,
12:23at the start of the day, its petals are closed.
12:25But slowly, over the course of the day,
12:27its petals open,
12:28releasing its sweet perfume into the air,
12:31drawing you in until you bury your face within the folds of the flower.
12:37And then you taste upon your tongue the sweet nectar.
12:41If we ought to name it after the flower,
12:42we should name it after the most beautiful flower of all,
12:44which is, of course, the orchid.
12:48Uh, OK.
12:49Well, uh, sure.
12:50Big hairy balls, orchid.
12:51Let's go on.
12:52What?
12:53I wasn't talking about the man.
12:55I was talking about the lady.
12:56This is a terrible mistake.
12:57Oh!
12:58We've already pressed send.
13:03So orchid's stuck, right?
13:05And I, at that age,
13:06had to go into a hospital to have a conversation with a doctor about it.
13:08And this is kind of a scary thing to tell in front of a crowd,
13:10but I tell it for a good reason,
13:11because I'm going to repeat a conversation here
13:12that other men may have to have in their lives,
13:14often because of cancer,
13:15but you should actually know how this conversation goes.
13:17I, a very scared 18-year-old,
13:18stood in front of this doctor and said,
13:19Jesus, if I'm missing one of my testicles,
13:21how is it going to affect major things in my life?
13:24He said, what do you mean?
13:25He said, well,
13:26how is it going to affect my sex drive?
13:27And he says,
13:28it doesn't affect your sex drive in any way.
13:29And it does not.
13:30I said,
13:31and how is it going to affect my fertility?
13:33He said,
13:34it doesn't affect your fertility in any way.
13:35And it does not.
13:42Draw your own conclusions from that.
13:44Eh, that's good.
13:45But I said,
13:46so it doesn't affect it anyway?
13:47He said, no.
13:48He said,
13:49you mean you can lose 50% of the system,
13:50and it makes no,
13:51he said,
13:52makes no difference whatsoever.
13:53There was a lot of redundancy built into the human body.
13:56It makes no difference at all.
13:58He said, that's amazing.
13:59So having one testicle is no different than having two.
14:01And I will always remember this.
14:03The doctor said,
14:04no,
14:05he said,
14:06unlike people who have two testicles,
14:08if you only have one testicle,
14:10you'll have no depth perception.
14:11In your testicles.
14:20And when you jizz,
14:21you'll have no idea if you've jizzed big and far away,
14:25or small and relatively nearby.
14:27Can I step out of the show for a second and go,
14:31that is totally my favorite joke of my entire career.
14:34By no means the biggest guaranteed laugh,
14:37but the people who get it,
14:38get it big,
14:39right?
14:40And the people who don't,
14:41hello.
14:42Eh.
14:43And they go,
14:44I didn't get that a joke at all.
14:45Two eyes, one eye, look it up.
14:46Anyway, here's the actual punchline.
14:47They opened me up,
14:48they looked,
14:49and they couldn't find anything.
14:51So for 35 years,
14:53I've had a testicle and a tooth,
14:55wandering,
14:56randomly through my body.
15:03Having,
15:04God knows what adventures they've been having over the years.
15:09They've probably joined up and go around solving crimes together.
15:13Oh no,
15:14there's been a murder in the spleen.
15:16We better call bitey and the shudder.
15:19They'll know what to do.
15:20Hey boss,
15:21why do you call him the shudder?
15:23Ah, give him a poke,
15:24you'll find out soon enough.
15:29Look,
15:30I have even one very, very simple story,
15:31which I quite like,
15:32and it's again,
15:33totally true story.
15:34Not long ago,
15:35I was sitting at home with the kids,
15:36watching TV,
15:37right?
15:38Watching TV,
15:39mind of my own business,
15:40when my wife called from the room,
15:41the room with the dryer,
15:42the washer dryer,
15:43the tumble dryer,
15:44the utility room,
15:45whatever you want to call it,
15:46there.
15:47And she took her head on the door and said,
15:48Dara,
15:49can you come in here,
15:50please?
15:51So I walked in and said,
15:52what?
15:53What is it?
15:54And she said,
15:55can you help me fold these sheets?
15:56I said,
15:57are you out of your mind?
15:58Folding sheets?
15:59Are you crazy?
16:00Are you gone in the head room?
16:01Like whatever.
16:02If you're going to ask me to fold sheets,
16:03you say,
16:04Dara,
16:05can you come in here and fold sheets?
16:06You do not go,
16:07Dara,
16:08can you come in here,
16:09please?
16:10Which is the international code for grown-ups to say,
16:11I found something terrible.
16:12You're disgusted away from the children.
16:13Can you come in here now where we can have a proper conversation about it?
16:17Geez,
16:18I said,
16:19I shot myself on that walk from the television to here going,
16:20what has she found?
16:22What has she?
16:23When I walk in,
16:24she'll be holding a bag of bank notes that she discovered behind some towels over there.
16:27Or she'll discover a door to a cellar she never knew that the house had.
16:30I said,
16:31at the very least,
16:32be holding my laptop.
16:33If you're going to say,
16:34Dara,
16:37can you come in here now,
16:39please?
16:40She's like,
16:41what about these sheets?
16:42Ah,
16:43another time,
16:44I said,
16:45and walked away.
16:46Anyway,
16:47you don't know that you were part of a test there,
16:48and you passed it more than you could possibly imagine right there.
16:51Because one of the joys of doing this job is you find a cultural difference that you never knew existed.
16:56And then you uncover it in a gig by total accident.
16:59Right?
17:00Know this.
17:01I told that joke a million times,
17:02both in the UK and Ireland.
17:04Every single time I get to that line in Ireland,
17:07Dara,
17:08can you come in here now,
17:09please?
17:10An Irish audience erupts into,
17:12oh,
17:14you're in trouble now.
17:17What have you been up to?
17:18Oh,
17:19you devil,
17:20right?
17:21And every audience in Britain,
17:22including tonight,
17:24including three and a half thousand people,
17:26tonight,
17:27always,
17:28oh,
17:29I wonder what she needs him for.
17:36Every night.
17:40Every night in Ireland,
17:41the crowd are going,
17:42you hound,
17:43you filthy hound,
17:44you devil,
17:45you've been up to no good,
17:46oh,
17:47you've been caught,
17:48you've been caught undeservedly,
17:49right?
17:50And every audience,
17:51including night in Britain,
17:52goes,
17:53oh,
17:54the rest of this anecdote must take place in the other room.
18:00So,
18:01congratulations for falling into my trap.
18:02Anyway,
18:03we have a glorious evening of comedy ahead of you.
18:06Looking forward to seeing our excellent gentlemen.
18:10Ladies and gentlemen,
18:11you're going to have a whale of a time in this comedy.
18:12Would you please lift the roof of the Apollo for Jack Skipper?
18:31Apollo, how are we doing?
18:32We all right?
18:34Yeah, this is nice, isn't it?
18:36Enjoying a bit of comedy,
18:37having a laugh,
18:38you know?
18:39I've noticed this thing with comedy lately though,
18:40when people go see comedy shows nowadays,
18:42they don't just want to laugh,
18:43do they?
18:44They want to learn something,
18:45you know?
18:46They want to walk away going,
18:47ooh,
18:48ooh,
18:49he really made me think.
18:50I was rolling round on the floor,
18:52thinking.
18:54But just to let you know,
18:55you're going to learn fuck all from me.
18:59Yeah,
19:00you're going to walk out thicker than when you came in.
19:04So I hope you enjoy my comedy,
19:06but just to make you aware,
19:07I am popular with thick people.
19:11So you might have that moment of realisation when you walk out,
19:13you know?
19:14You go,
19:15I enjoyed that.
19:20I'll be honest, mate,
19:21you look overqualified to be in the audience.
19:24You'll be all right.
19:29I love comedy, man.
19:30I love comedy, man.
19:31I love doing it.
19:32I haven't always been a comedian though.
19:33No,
19:34I used to be a carpet fitter.
19:37Cheers.
19:39I weren't just any old carpet fitter though.
19:40No, no, no.
19:41According to my checker trade rating,
19:44I was the 14th best carpet fitter
19:47in the whole Croydon area.
19:49Yeah.
19:52He's starstruck.
19:53Look.
19:54I've just noticed a few people going like that.
19:57I told you it was him.
20:01But it was the very first job I had when I left school.
20:03The very first carpet shop I went into,
20:05the geezer gave me a job because he saw something in me.
20:08He did.
20:09He looked at me and went,
20:10you've got it.
20:11You've got it.
20:12And all my fitters here,
20:13they've all got it.
20:15No qualifications.
20:19Because I ain't.
20:21I've got none.
20:22But no GCSEs.
20:23Look, I even failed the exams.
20:24I thought it was going to be easy, you know.
20:26I failed RE.
20:29Religious education, man.
20:31I couldn't believe it when I found out.
20:33There was like, you failed RE.
20:35I was like, oh, Jason, Christ.
20:44I just found school pointless though, you know.
20:45It was like pointless lessons.
20:46Teaching me pointless skills I didn't need.
20:47Like I'd be doing gymnastics.
20:48And then I'd have some teacher telling me off.
20:49Shouting at me, going, point your toes.
20:50You know, I don't need to point my toes.
20:51There's no job that requires me to point my toes, you know.
20:52It's not like I'm going to be like an estate agent or something, you know.
20:56As you can see, here's the kitchen.
20:57Two bedrooms, you know.
20:58As I say, it's nice to be out in it.
20:59Nice to be out enjoying the show.
21:00Having a nice day.
21:01I'm going to have some teacher telling me off.
21:02And I'm going to have some teacher telling me off.
21:03Shouting at me, going, point your toes.
21:04You know, I don't need to point my toes.
21:05There's no job that requires me to point my toes, you know.
21:06It's not like I'm going to be like an estate agent or something, you know.
21:09As you can see, here's the kitchen.
21:18Two bedrooms, you know.
21:24As I say, it's nice to be out in it.
21:25Nice to be out enjoying the show.
21:26Having a few drinks.
21:27I'm actually trying to cut back on the drinking lately.
21:29But basically what it is, I've got two small children, right.
21:32And I'll tell you something about these small children that I've got.
21:34They've got absolutely no respect for hangovers.
21:39Little bastards.
21:41I've had a few beers on a Friday night.
21:42Saturday mornings, they're getting me up early.
21:44Like, proper early.
21:45It's still dark.
21:46We're still watching sign language on the news.
21:53You can't tell them off, can you?
21:55So I just get up and do what I'm told.
21:57But I just sit there looking at them from the other side of the room,
21:59thinking, yeah, I'll get you back.
22:01Yeah, because one day they'll grow up and they'll start drinking.
22:04Then I'm going to do back some of the weird shit they've done to me.
22:07When I've been hungover.
22:08I've got it all planned out, right.
22:09What I'm going to do, I'm going to wait until they've had a big night out.
22:12Then I'm going to storm into my daughter's bedroom at six o'clock in the morning,
22:17dressed as Elsa from Frozen.
22:22And I'm going to demand that we make jelly.
22:30And then I'm going to go out to my son's room,
22:32and I'm going to do roly polies on his bed,
22:34bollock naked.
22:41That's how he likes it.
22:43Put my bum in his face.
22:44Because it's hard modern parenting.
22:54I grew up in the 90s.
22:55It was easier for my parents.
22:56With parenting nowadays, there's rules.
22:58I do my kids' packed lunches, right?
23:00With packed lunches nowadays, there's rules.
23:02It's got to be healthy.
23:03It's like no crisps, no chocolate,
23:05a certain amount of fruit and veg.
23:07When I look back,
23:08you could have put ten Benson in my lunchbox.
23:11No one would give a shit.
23:15Like, when I look back on my diet in the 90s,
23:18it just feels like one relentless montage of ham.
23:29Shit cheap ham.
23:31Came in a wad.
23:35He'd pierce the film when that gas would come out.
23:41He fired in the ham.
23:47So much of it as well.
23:48Every meal.
23:49Ham sandwiches, ham salads, ham egg and chips.
23:51Like, if my mum had a party,
23:53she'd use the same shit ham,
23:55but to make it look a little bit more fancy,
23:57she'd roll it up.
24:04Like, people should be impressed
24:05that she spent all her afternoons skinning up ham.
24:09Just...
24:19Some of the shit she used to feed us.
24:20Like, she'd do this thing, right?
24:21If we was going on holiday,
24:22the week before the holiday,
24:23she refused to buy any food.
24:27So you have to start surviving off stuff in the freezer.
24:30And then she starts concocting these mental dinners,
24:32like oven chips and Yorkshire puddings.
24:34That one fish finger that got loose and stuck itself to the back of the freezer.
24:44They dig that off.
24:46It's like, Mum, can't we just buy some food?
24:49Shut up and eat your wedding cake!
24:50I'll tell you what, though, like, the 90s feels like a long time ago now.
25:03I'm feeling a bit older.
25:04I'll tell you what's making me feel a bit older.
25:06Like, I don't understand young people anymore.
25:08I don't understand what they're saying.
25:09They've got their own little language, ain't they?
25:11No matter where they're from.
25:12They could have, like, a privileged, middle-class upbringing,
25:15but they all sort of talk like they're gangsters from the ghetto, innit?
25:19Like...
25:20You don't know what it's like for me growing up in a semi-detached, man.
25:26Man's had to survive on two holidays a year, you get me?
25:29I had one of them come up to me, I said, I had a gig recently.
25:34He was like, oh, you're that comedian, innit?
25:36I've seen your stuff, man, you are jokes.
25:40I'm not gonna lie.
25:43I was like, where you from, mate?
25:44He went, Windsor.
25:52I'm not gonna lie.
25:54They love not gonna lie, don't they?
25:56Not gonna lie.
25:57Yeah, they've abbreviated it.
25:58They put it in their text messages now.
25:59NGL.
26:00Not gonna lie.
26:01I didn't know what that was for ages.
26:02And I used to work with this young fella,
26:04and he'd text me things like,
26:05yeah, I'll be honest,
26:06I'm not gonna make it into work tomorrow.
26:07NGL.
26:08And for ages, I was like...
26:11Does he think I'm called Nigel?
26:24But do you know what?
26:25I don't think I'd wanna be young nowadays.
26:26Young people nowadays, they're boring, aren't they?
26:29And when I was about 16,
26:30I was out making a nuisance of myself, you know?
26:32They're all in the gym now.
26:34There was these 16-year-olds in the gym the other day,
26:36discussing their diet.
26:39And when I was growing up,
26:4016-year-old lads weren't on diets, you know?
26:42That was for my mum and her friends.
26:45They go Weight Watchers.
26:46And eat jacket potatoes.
26:48That's all it was.
26:50Tuna swigol, jacket potato.
26:52Cheese and beans, jacket potato.
26:54Ham, jacket potato.
26:56LAUGHTER
27:00But there was this one young lad,
27:01he was so boring, right?
27:02He was talking about his breakfast, right?
27:03He was going,
27:04Yeah, I had four eggs.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:07I had four eggs for breakfast.
27:09And I was thinking, mate, sort it out.
27:12LAUGHTER
27:13Like, when I was 16,
27:14if I had four eggs,
27:16I'd throw them at a bus.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:27But I do feel sorry for him growing up in this world, though,
27:29because it's a weird old world at the moment, isn't it?
27:31Like, you get the impression, don't you,
27:32that everyone's struggling mentally,
27:34but at the same time,
27:35we've never lived in a time of such privilege.
27:36We've never had so many services available to us
27:38we don't even need.
27:39Like, I just think that parallel's mad, isn't it?
27:41Like, everyone's down, depressed, anxious,
27:43but at the same time,
27:44if you wanted to,
27:45you could get your anus bleached.
27:54You know, so you might be in a dark place.
27:56LAUGHTER
28:05So, yeah, man.
28:06Late 30s now,
28:07and I'm trying to...
28:08I am genuinely trying to cut back on the drinking,
28:09but it's not going well.
28:11Cos basically, what it is,
28:12drinking is how I unwind,
28:13and haven't found anything to replace it with,
28:15that's the problem.
28:16Like, I spoke to a mate about it,
28:17I asked him how he unwinds,
28:18cos he doesn't drink,
28:19and he said he has a bath.
28:21LAUGHTER
28:22I was like,
28:23that's not the same as drinking, is it?
28:24Like, you can't imagine being at home,
28:26the missus goes to bed early,
28:27and you're like...
28:30That's Andy.
28:33I might have a couple of baths.
28:40Well, you can't imagine bumping into an old friend,
28:42you know?
28:47Say, hello, mate.
28:49Yeah, give me a call sometime.
28:51We'll have a bath together.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:58But it's a shame, man,
28:59cos it's my favourite hobby drinking.
29:00I used to love it.
29:01I used to love a sech all day,
29:02you know?
29:03All day down the pub.
29:04Then someone would have an after-party, you know?
29:05They go,
29:06come back to mine.
29:07My missus won't mind.
29:08I'll go back there.
29:09She would mind.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:13But I wouldn't let it stop me, man.
29:15I'll keep partying on through.
29:16Keep going through till that 7 o'clock in the morning.
29:18Wait for the off-licence to open.
29:20Go back down there, crack on.
29:21Don't even question it.
29:22Fast forward to your late 30s,
29:23I was indoors the other evening about half-eight,
29:25and nowadays half-eight is too late for me to eat cheese.
29:29LAUGHTER
29:33Can't do late-night cheese any more, man.
29:35I had a bit of cheese the other night,
29:37come out of my house the next day,
29:38my neighbour saw me,
29:39he went,
29:40Cor, you look rough.
29:43Been on the packet.
29:46I was like, yeah, mate, Cathedral City.
29:52You know, that's like after a couple of baths.
29:58That's what I'd call it on.
30:00Woke up, next day I'd done three bottles of Radox,
30:02a couple of grams of Parmesan.
30:03LAUGHTER
30:07Right on session.
30:12Well, come on, you've been absolutely wonderful.
30:14Thank you very much.
30:16APPLAUSE
30:17Well, they did it, Jack Skipper!
30:18Yeah!
30:19Keep that applause going,
30:20and bringing on your second act,
30:21raise it for Felicity Ward.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:24LAUGHTER
30:25APPLAUSE
30:26Jack Skipper!
30:27Now, keep that applause going,
30:28and bringing on your second act,
30:29raise it up for Felicity Ward,
30:30at the line!
30:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:32Oh, my God!
30:48Hello, how are you?
30:49You good?
30:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:52Um, hello.
30:53My name's Felicity.
30:54I'm very, very excited to be here.
30:56Um, I'm Australian,
30:57but I've lived over here for a long time,
31:00um, and I have just got my British driver's licence.
31:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:05And, look, it's great,
31:06I'm having a wonderful time,
31:08but I just think, as a foreigner,
31:10it would be very helpful,
31:11when we pass our test,
31:13if you just give us a couple of tips
31:15that aren't on it,
31:16but are absolutely imperative
31:19to drive in the UK.
31:20So, what I would have liked to have happened,
31:22is, uh, he would have given me my licence,
31:24and he would have said,
31:25congratulations,
31:26well, he wouldn't, he's English,
31:27um...
31:28LAUGHTER
31:29So, he would have said...
31:30..and then...
31:31LAUGHTER
31:33..he would have said,
31:34just before you get in the car,
31:36do you know about indicators?
31:38And I would have said,
31:39yes, you indicate left to go left,
31:41indicate right to go right.
31:43And he would say,
31:44do not use them under any circumstances.
31:47LAUGHTER
31:48They are considered a sign of weakness
31:50in our culture.
31:51LAUGHTER
31:53And then he would say,
31:54do you know about mini roundabouts?
31:55And I go, yes,
31:56same principle as a regular roundabout,
31:58only smaller,
31:59and he would say,
32:00you know what,
32:01they're just some circles
32:02that we painted on the ground in 1975.
32:04LAUGHTER
32:05What I want you to do
32:06is approach it
32:07like a four-way game of deathly chicken.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:10I'm talking,
32:11pedal to the floor,
32:12close your eyes,
32:13wrong side of the road,
32:14doesn't matter.
32:15Whoever gets there first wins,
32:16and whoever gets there second...
32:17..dies.
32:18Now...
32:19LAUGHTER
32:20Do you know about using high beams?
32:21And I would say, yes,
32:22when there's no oncoming traffic,
32:24no on-street lighting.
32:25And he would say, yes,
32:26and we have also created our own Morse code system
32:31with which we use to communicate to each other.
32:34So we flash once to say,
32:36thank you.
32:37And we flash twice to say,
32:39you come forward,
32:40I'll wait here,
32:41the road is too narrow.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:44And we flash 800 times to say,
32:47you are in the wrong lane on the motorway, sir.
32:50LAUGHTER
32:51Please kindly move over to your left.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:56And finally, he would say,
32:58do you know about British country roads?
33:02LAUGHTER
33:03And I would say, no.
33:05What are they?
33:06Three?
33:07Four lanes wide?
33:09LAUGHTER
33:11And he would say,
33:12they are the width of a Nissan Micra.
33:15LAUGHTER
33:16And I'd say, two-way?
33:18My God, that sounds hectic.
33:20I'm assuming, then,
33:21the road is very long and straight
33:24so you can see what is cut.
33:27And he would say,
33:28it is hairpin bend
33:29after hairpin bend
33:31after hairpin bend.
33:33Hotholes.
33:34No guttering.
33:35No marking.
33:36No streetlights.
33:37Horses.
33:38Tractors.
33:39And it's all set in a hedge maze.
33:41LAUGHTER
33:42So you can never prepare,
33:44visually or audibly,
33:46for what is coming at you next.
33:48APPLAUSE
33:56And I would say,
33:57my God,
33:58that sounds treacherous.
34:00It must take so long to get anywhere,
34:05because surely...
34:06LAUGHTER
34:10..under those conditions,
34:13I'm assuming...
34:15..the speed limit.
34:17LAUGHTER
34:19What is it?
34:2010, 15 miles an hour?
34:22And he'd laugh in my dirty little face.
34:24And I'd say,
34:25not 20 miles an hour,
34:26and he'd say,
34:2760 British miles an hour!
34:30Unless, of course,
34:31you're local,
34:32then by all means,
34:33go as fast as you possibly can.
34:36Tailgate,
34:37beep your horn,
34:38flash your lights.
34:39They should just have signs that say,
34:40speed up or die,
34:41pussy!
34:42LAUGHTER
34:45So it is always lovely to arrive alive.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:50I might,
34:51I might have ADHD.
34:52I don't definitely know that.
34:54I don't like to say that I have anything
34:56that I haven't been formally diagnosed with.
34:58But there has been some signs.
35:00The first one was in 1999,
35:02when I worked for a retired nurse at a cafe,
35:05and two weeks into working there,
35:07she said,
35:08Felicity,
35:09can you have some of my son's Ritalin?
35:10You definitely have ADHD.
35:12LAUGHTER
35:13And I thought,
35:14you know what?
35:15Let's find this out for sure,
35:16for real,
35:17if that's the case.
35:18So I went straight to the GP,
35:1924 years later,
35:21and I got a referral to get tested for ADHD.
35:25And then,
35:26I lost that referral.
35:28And then,
35:29I went back to the doctor,
35:30five years later,
35:31to get another referral,
35:32to get tested for ADHD.
35:34And then I also lost that referral.
35:36And I think that's the test.
35:38LAUGHTER
35:40APPLAUSE
35:41Now, you have been absolutely delightful.
35:47This has been a wonderful audience,
35:49so I'd like to leave you respectfully,
35:51on a seven-minute routine on fingering.
35:54Now...
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57So, here's the thing.
36:00I'm doing this gig right,
36:01and in the front row,
36:02it's 20 18-year-old boys.
36:04Yuck!
36:05Now...
36:06I'm joking.
36:07I love men.
36:08A little bit too much.
36:09I'm a predator.
36:11I...
36:14I wasn't vaccinated as a child.
36:15One of those things is true.
36:16Anyway...
36:18I got whooping cough when I was four.
36:20Mum really showed the government,
36:21didn't she?
36:22Anyway...
36:23It's not about her.
36:25Isn't it?
36:26Why else would I be doing stand-up comedy?
36:27Anyway...
36:28I'm joking.
36:29It was Dad.
36:30So I'm doing this gig.
36:31Front row, 18-year-old boys, right?
36:33And there's a boy over here,
36:34he's got a pink shirt on,
36:35and the host is making fun of him.
36:37In a very loving way,
36:38everyone's having a good time.
36:39He introduces me,
36:40I come out,
36:41and I pretend that I'm very faux-offended on his behalf.
36:44And I say,
36:45do you know what, mate?
36:46If you want to wear a pink shirt,
36:47you wear a pink shirt.
36:48Toxic masculinity is bullshit.
36:50You probably drink rosé
36:52and finger women at the weekend as a feminist act.
36:57Now,
36:58if I had my time again,
37:00I would not say fingering.
37:03I would say cunnilingus.
37:06Because no woman is choosing fingering from a straight man.
37:11And what you're hearing there is a lot of women deeply relating to what I'm saying.
37:24And what you're not hearing is the deafening silence of all the straight men going,
37:29what?
37:34And these next six minutes are for you.
37:39So I said to him,
37:40you probably finger women at the weekend as a feminist act.
37:42Now, I say that,
37:43and the entire group turn and look at another boy in the group.
37:48All of them.
37:49They look at him like this.
37:50They're whispering.
37:51They're elbowing each other.
37:52They're pointing.
37:53And I'm like,
37:54what's going on over here?
37:55And I said,
37:56what's your name, mate?
37:57And he said,
37:58fingering Pat.
37:59Now,
38:00I said,
38:01Pat,
38:02are you very bad at fingering?
38:03And he said,
38:04huh?
38:05If the rumours are true,
38:08if the rumours!
38:10Do you know how bad at fingering you need to be at age 18?
38:17That not just the recipient knows,
38:20but 19 of your closest friends.
38:23And I said,
38:24do you know what, mate?
38:25I'm not even going to do jokes tonight.
38:27I'm just going to give you tips.
38:28He said,
38:29please.
38:30He said,
38:31please.
38:32And so I am going to tell you those tips tonight.
38:36Hopefully they will be of some use to you.
38:39And you can take them home with you.
38:41So this is what I told him,
38:42and I'm going to tell you.
38:43So tip number one.
38:46Can you feel the tension in the room though?
38:48Can you feel?
38:50You just feel all the straight dudes going,
38:52please don't say my signature move.
38:54Please.
38:55Please.
38:56She loves it.
38:57She doesn't.
38:58Number one.
38:59Number one.
39:00Going in and out as hard and as fast as you can is enjoyable to no one.
39:05To no one.
39:06To no one.
39:07To no one.
39:08To no one.
39:09Why are you going back?
39:10Why are you trying to get to the back?
39:12Why are you trying to get elbowed?
39:15Like you don't.
39:16If you touch the back, that's a cervix.
39:21It's not for you.
39:22It's for a doctor.
39:23Leave it alone.
39:24Leave it alone.
39:25Yeah?
39:26Rule number two.
39:27If you're a beginner, if you're unsure,
39:29spend more time on the outside than you do on the inside.
39:32Yeah?
39:33Going inside is a sometimes food.
39:35Yeah?
39:36I don't know if you've ever seen a symphony before,
39:38but what is it?
39:39All the way through?
39:40Strings.
39:41Isn't that?
39:42Strings, strings, strings.
39:43Every now and again.
39:44Timpani.
39:45Every now and again.
39:46If you went to the orchestra and it was just
39:49timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timpani timp
40:19your mouth. The hand and the mouth, they're a great team. They look after each other when
40:23they're tired. They cover for each other's mistakes. The hand and the mouth is the feel-good
40:28movie of the year. It's Batman and Robin. It's Bonnie and Clyde. It's Wallace and Gromit.
40:35And if you feel nervous about going down on a woman, just pop them in, yeah? You get fresh
40:40breath, she gets an arctic surprise. Number four. All the dudes are like, what was number
40:47two again? What was number two? And all the queer women are smoking a cigar. They're like,
40:52we could have told you this a long time ago, but go on as you were. Rule number four. Personal
40:57choice. Stop using your thumb. You're mashing away down there. It's got no nuance. Doesn't
41:01know what it's doing. It's out of control. You know what a thumb's good for? A lighter
41:05that you can't get going. Don't stick that on the most sensitive part of our entire body.
41:10And while we're there, don't do it on the back either. Just because it can go in doesn't mean
41:16it has to. Do you know what fits perfectly into an electrical socket? A knife. But we
41:21don't. It's dangerous, isn't it? We don't do that. I will finish on this. Number five.
41:29It's not even a joke. It's just a public service announcement. There are two questions that
41:34will drastically improve your sex life if you are not saying these already. Two questions.
41:38The first one is, is there anything else you would like me to do? That's all you have to
41:42go. Is there anything else you'd like me to do? There's an unsatisfied woman clapping
41:46over there. Thank you. 60 years we've been married. Not once. I swear to God, if everyone
41:59was asking that question every time we had sex, within 10 years, no war. If you were sexually
42:06satisfied, you'd go, you know what? I'll press the nuclear button tomorrow. We're going to
42:10leave it today. Now the second question, and this is the most important question to ask
42:16any woman over the age of 35, because we never got asked this as a teenager. And the question
42:22is, are you enjoying this? Are you enjoying this? We never got asked that as a teenager.
42:30Because if we had been, we would have unanimously said, oh, no. Please stop. Or I will tell
42:4019 of your closest friends. I have been Felicity Ward. You have been unbelievable. Thank you
42:45so much. Have a great night.
42:46Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Ward! And that brings an end to tonight's show. Give it up to
43:03both of us tonight. Firstly, Jack Skipper. And then wonderfully, Felicity Ward! Genuinely
43:13a delight of an audience. It's been lovely to talk to you. I'm Darren Breen from Live in
43:18the Apollo. Good night.
43:19Good night.
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