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Short filmTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:27Hello!
00:29Hello, I am Greg Javis, and welcome everybody to the Taskmaster New Year's treat, and I suppose the grand final.
00:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:40Last episode, they rolled the dice, they grappled with bears and completed an inspiring marathon.
00:46But crucially, all of them have ruined the credibility in their chosen field of work.
00:52They're almost certainly going to have to sell their houses and take their families to live in the woods.
00:57Why would they carry on for a second episode? Mummy, there's nothing left to eat!
01:02But look at the eyebrow trophy child! Look what Mummy won! My victory is your meal! That's why!
01:13So, for the second and final time, please welcome the phenomenal...
01:17Big Sur!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:20Jill Schultz!
01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:23Sam Ryder!
01:25Susie Den!
01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28And Rose Aileen Ellen!
01:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32And next to me, a man who says he likes his women like he likes his coffee.
01:37Not able to drive, vote or answer back.
01:40LAUGHTER
01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46Hello, everyone. Hello. Hello, women.
01:49I'm so excited, Greg, so excited about the show.
01:51So excited we're going to spend Saturday together, finally.
01:53I didn't know we were, but I'm very, very happy.
01:56But what are we going to do for the day?
01:58Well, you can choose, Greg, you can choose this or that.
02:00We're going to do this or that.
02:01First of all, how will we spend the day? This or that?
02:03That.
02:04Oh, we're going to go shopping.
02:05We're going to go shopping instead of the aquarium.
02:06We could have gone to the aquarium.
02:07OK.
02:08Are we going to drink? What are we going to drink?
02:09This or that?
02:10This.
02:11This.
02:12Oh, cocktails.
02:13Ooh.
02:14Ooh.
02:15OK.
02:16What are we going to do in the evening after the drinks?
02:18This or that?
02:19That.
02:20That.
02:21Oh, we're going to the theatre.
02:22What will we see?
02:23It's exciting.
02:24Then where will we go?
02:25There we go.
02:26This or that?
02:27LAUGHTER
02:28That.
02:29That.
02:30Oh, we're going back to yours, Greg.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:33Fair play.
02:34It's getting more interesting.
02:35Could have gone back to mine.
02:36And where shall we sleep?
02:38LAUGHTER
02:40LAUGHTER
02:42Oh.
02:43That?
02:44That.
02:45It's...
02:46Bunk beds.
02:47Always bunk beds.
02:48Always bunk beds.
02:49It's got to be bunk beds.
02:50APPLAUSE
02:51Yeah?
02:52It's all right.
02:53OK, it's time for the prize task.
02:56What are we going to learn about them today, Alex?
02:58Well, Greg, I think we're going to learn a lot,
03:00because they've each brought in the most exotic thing
03:03from their actual home.
03:05Yes.
03:06Ooh.
03:07I know.
03:08Earlier on, I asked Greg,
03:09hey, do you want to know the most exotic thing from my home?
03:11And he said no.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13So let's see what these guys have brought in.
03:14Five points for the most exotic thing.
03:16Five exotic things for the episode winner.
03:18And also, it's all great fun, isn't it?
03:20Oh, it's loads of fun.
03:21Shall I start with Sam Rider?
03:22Oh, shit.
03:23Whoo!
03:24I bought, um, a jumpsuit that I wore, uh, to sing at Eurovision.
03:30Here it is.
03:31Ooh!
03:32Ooh!
03:33Where was the final?
03:34It was in an exotic country?
03:35Turin.
03:36In a business park.
03:37Oh, yeah.
03:38Ooh!
03:39The mysteries of the business park.
03:42It is from his actual home, but it's also been in a museum,
03:45because it's made...
03:46Well, it's like your bed.
03:47It's black denim with 15,000 beads, pearls and glass crystals.
03:50Wow!
03:51What a coincidence!
03:52Sam, it's a strong opener.
03:54Maybe.
03:55The last episode won't define you.
03:57OK.
03:58Rose?
03:59Well, it's my, um...
04:00It's the actual thing, it's my magnet collection.
04:02Yes, she's got a magnet collection.
04:04I don't think things are looking good for Rose.
04:07Look, look, have a look.
04:09They've got quite a lot.
04:10But I thought maybe you might like one of them,
04:13which I think is the most, not of all,
04:15which is, um, the lady from Spain.
04:17The lady from Spain.
04:19Oh, ho, ho, ho!
04:21You don't think that I can be won over
04:23by a large-breasted magnet, do you?
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27No, it...
04:28Yeah, I'm sorry.
04:29I'm really sorry.
04:30I'll let you down.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32Anyway, I...
04:34No, I probably don't know.
04:35Maybe two point.
04:36That maybe.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:39It's so fun.
04:40I got one point.
04:41We don't know that.
04:42All the people who are left are more than capable
04:44of bringing something worse in.
04:45You know that.
04:46Now, Big Zoo, let me answer a question before I ask it.
04:49The answer is yes.
04:51Can you beat the fridge magnets?
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54No, I didn't see the exotic part.
04:56You didn't see the exotic part,
04:58so you just think the task is to bring in something from your home?
05:02Yeah!
05:03I have bought my, um, incredibly massive television.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10LAUGHTER
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13LAUGHTER
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15It's a big telly.
05:17It's a big telly, there we go.
05:18It's not a joke.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20LAUGHTER
05:2185-inch.
05:2285-inch telly roll.
05:23Yeah, yeah.
05:24You told me you were getting a new one, so...
05:26Whoa, whoa, whoa!
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28LAUGHTER
05:29To get rid of it!
05:30We've got our production crew to get rid of your old telly.
05:33No!
05:34That's what...
05:35No!
05:36No!
05:37Do any of you have an 85-inch in your house?
05:38That is a very personal question.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41LAUGHTER
05:42I would have bet my life those magnets were coming last.
05:46I would have bet my life on it.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49Jill?
05:50Erm, I did compete in a jungle PV programme,
05:52so I've actually brought in my hat from the jungle.
05:55WHISTLE BLOWS
05:56It is signed by Boy George, Matt Hancock, so...
06:00Oh!
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Oh, wow!
06:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:04Why don't you go through that?
06:05Huh?
06:06I mean, it was already exotic, but...
06:08Matt Hancock...
06:09Yeah.
06:10..by the former health secretary...
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14..the Conservative Party.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17Oh, it's pretty exotic, though, come on.
06:19One of my magic from a jungle.
06:21Oh!
06:22Yeah.
06:23I watched I'm a Celeb on that telly.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28Susie, the heat's on.
06:29I haven't watched The Jungle from this,
06:31but I have brought in a loo seat,
06:34which is quite exotic.
06:37It's covered in gold leaf.
06:38Also, this is Susie Dent's actual toilet seat.
06:40Yes?
06:41Have a look at this, Craig.
06:42Oh!
06:43Wow!
06:44She's a beauty.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47Where did you buy her?
06:48I had it made.
06:49Yes!
06:50Oh, why did you ask her that question?
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53One of my favourite words is bumf.
06:54You know, the bumf.
06:55And that is bumfodder, short for bumfodder,
06:58which is loo paper.
06:59Bumfodder?
07:00Yeah, bumfodder.
07:01It's the idea that you're feeding the bum.
07:03Well, I guess so.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05I think it's a lovely, exotic...
07:08..who hole?
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11Here we go.
07:12Ready?
07:13Scoring.
07:14Yes.
07:15Big Zoo, one point.
07:16Yes.
07:17Obviously, the magnets, two points.
07:18I did say I can do that, two points.
07:20You did say that!
07:21Yes!
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23I'm going to give Susie's toilet seat
07:25as much as I would like to sit on it.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29I'm going to give it three points.
07:30Three points.
07:31Oh, right.
07:32I'll give Sam's four points.
07:33And the winner...
07:34She bought it from the jungle.
07:35APPLAUSE
07:36So, five points is your score.
07:37APPLAUSE
07:38Let's move on.
07:39It's task time.
07:40What's first to take?
07:41Well, I'm afraid this one might divide people,
07:43but in a really good way.
07:45Oh!
07:46Hmm.
07:47MUSIC PLAYS
07:48Hello.
07:49Hi, Rose.
07:50HE LAUGHS
07:51He looks like he's in one direction.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53I feel like the Venus de Milo in this show.
07:55Oh!
07:56Oh!
07:57Oh, I thought that was actually through the table.
07:58Was that the whole plan?
07:59Clever, isn't it?
08:00Oh, it's half.
08:01Oh!
08:02It's half.
08:03Oh!
08:04It's half.
08:05Oh!
08:06It's like a poem.
08:07If, in a really exciting way, if Split wins, if, if an hour now...
08:13What do I do?
08:14I'm just going to ask.
08:15Well, it's the same system, you've got to read out the task, do the task.
08:17So, what do you do?
08:18Oh, it's not the same thing.
08:19It's not the same thing.
08:20It's not the same thing.
08:21OK.
08:22I've got to read out the task, but I'm just going to ask...
08:23LAUGHTER
08:24Oh, I thought that was actually through the table.
08:26Was that the whole plan?
08:27Clever, isn't it?
08:28Oh, it's half.
08:29Oh, it's half.
08:30Oh!
08:31It's like a poem.
08:32Oh!
08:33It's like a poem.
08:34If, in a really exciting way, if Split wins,
08:35If...
08:36Do the task
08:42You didn't hide that very well well explain the thing then
08:48There's so many compartments here am I supposed to look for this now yes in this room
08:55Well, what kind of what this is like a mad escape room my woman come on bro, right?
09:06I
09:08Want to do that straight away, Bob
09:11In half in a really exciting way most it's dating
09:16Half bit when you have half of half an hour, which is 15 minutes your time starts now
09:28Have you split things in half before um I?
09:32Can't no I don't think so you've never split anything in half
09:36Yeah, some reason I thought that my parents are still together. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know that would've been a good one
09:42Well, I could spend maybe so getting against each other now
09:47I'll write it down as an option
09:52Well Sam this is a fair no one has ever been happy to ruin their parents relationship
09:59You are sailing towards five points
10:01Who are we gonna see first okay? Well, what do you get if you take half of Jill and half of Sam?
10:08Cheers, um, I suppose
10:14Honest to God
10:16The amount of times I get bollocks for saying bad things so that's on the autocue
10:21So
10:26Here's jism
10:28I've gone big, okay, I'm gonna split myself in two
10:35Wow, okay, okay, I'm ready ready. Yep
10:38Again. I'll look up
10:59Shit
11:08Ooh!
11:09Ooh!
11:10Wow.
11:11I split myself in half.
11:14Literally.
11:15That's very impressive.
11:17Oh, I think that's a stretch.
11:20Ooh!
11:21Still got it, haven't I?
11:23Hey, Mum.
11:41Yeah, just quick, cos I'm on Taskmaster.
11:43Er, I think Dad is having an affair.
11:46Yeah, he is untouchable.
11:49All right.
11:50APPLAUSE
11:55Well, the first thing that struck me was the production values
11:57on both of them were just Siegfried and Roy.
12:00It was Las Vegas, wasn't it?
12:01Oh! Absolutely incredible.
12:03It really was, yeah.
12:04And you were actually speaking to your mum.
12:06Had you pre-warned her?
12:07No.
12:08So I had to call her after.
12:10That is spicy.
12:12That's lovely.
12:13I'm a bit confused by yours, Jill,
12:15because clearly there was a false leg involved.
12:17Erm, no, it wasn't real.
12:19But I was creative.
12:20I split myself in two.
12:22When you Google which celebs can do the splits,
12:24er, you get...
12:25Cos there are some unlikely people.
12:26Daniel Radcliffe,
12:27Madonna,
12:28Ryan Gosling,
12:29David Suchet,
12:30Miley Cyrus,
12:31but also...
12:32Sam Ryder's name comes up.
12:34Miley Cyrus?
12:35No.
12:36I promise it comes up.
12:37Why am I not surprised Daniel Radcliffe's on the list?
12:39I imagine that's how he watches telly.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42OK, we're halfway through the first half of the show
12:45during a task about cutting things in half.
12:47And what does that mean?
12:49Ooh!
12:50Greggy go poo-poo and Alex wipe his bop-bots.
12:52Correct!
12:53And I've just eaten three punnets of dates.
12:55Good luck!
12:56Goodbye!
12:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:04Hello.
13:05Welcome back to this exceptional New Year's treat.
13:09Yes, the Christmas decorations have been put away
13:11and the shops have already got Easter eggs on their shelves.
13:14It's frigging ridiculous!
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17They're trying to cut things in half in the most exciting way.
13:19Two more attempts now.
13:21It's Big Zoo and Dent Sue.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25Have you gathered what I'm doing?
13:26No.
13:28Come on.
13:29You're going to split something in half?
13:30I'm going to be using the power of my voice.
13:32Yeah.
13:35You're not going to react more?
13:36Wow!
13:37Hey, bro.
13:39Do you remember that for a while,
13:41I don't know if this is still the case,
13:42we're on a one-man mission
13:44to introduce a new sense of honk into the dictionary?
13:47So I've got something for you.
13:53Oh, this is awful to watch.
13:54It is horrible and I'm so sorry.
13:56OK, so your mission?
13:58To introduce a special word into the dictionary.
14:01And in here...
14:06Honk in noun, meaning money.
14:08I can officially tell you
14:10that I am going to put this up for inclusion
14:13in the Oxford English Dictionary.
14:15It may be the nerdiest task response that you've ever had,
14:19but I thought you would enjoy it.
14:21He's definitely split in half.
14:23Definitely split in half.
14:24Yeah.
14:25At 11th century.
14:30There but I'll continue to figure this out for you.
14:35Yeah, it's a selection of young people.
14:36Yeah, at least it's within 14 of the year.
14:38Yeah, I'm lastется to give you an idea.
14:40Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
14:42Oh
14:59Pineapple in the pineapple in the pineapple wicked. Yeah, man. I thought you'd be a bit more excited
15:05I thought that the performance obviously an illusion
15:13I don't know how you got that pineapple to split
15:15Captivating if I'd have been there there have been tears in my eyes. Thank you
15:19superb now
15:23Know what you're doing. It's very clever. You're doing a Donald Trump. You're playing to your base
15:27Yes, the nerd army people come to the show for two reasons for nerdery and for eye candy
15:35To play to the nerds. Yeah, I panicked a little bit and I just thought I knew how much this meant him
15:40Also, I thought they yeah, just to explain a while ago
15:43I tried to get a word in the dictionary and I wrote a book about it. Yes
15:45Ah word was honk
15:47I tried to get the word honk as a slang word for money in the dictionary and Susie knew about this attempt and this was her
15:52Oh, this all makes sense because whenever he starts talking about his books. I chewed out
15:59Anyway
16:01There's one of the big reason why you need to consider me Greg cuz it's my birthday today, so
16:05Oh, what?
16:07It's an happy birthday
16:09It is
16:10I didn't know
16:11No one's ever played the birthday card before
16:13I didn't realize how ruthless everyone else could be
16:17Yeah
16:18This person on there on the end. Yeah
16:20You're gonna win cuz it's your birthday
16:22That's not fair
16:23It's good Susie's talking herself up
16:25I'll think about it. Okay. Who's next? Finally it is hello to Rose Ailing Ellis and goodbye to little Alex Horne
16:32Hello. Hi Rose
16:33I need you to change your name
16:36So you're gonna change your name from Alex to your new hat name is Hannah
16:41It actually cost about 50 pounds to change your name in the UK. You're paying 50 pounds
16:46No, you're paying 50 pounds. I'm paying 50 pounds
16:48It says I unquestionably surrender abandon and relinquish the use of my former name of Alex Horne and a firm adopted and assumed to take and used from this date hereof the name of Hannah
16:57In the presence of Rose Ailing Ellis. That's you in it. I'm your witness. Thank you
17:02Pay up
17:04Thank you very much. And there's your present. I got you a nice new sticker
17:09I
17:12Think it's so cool that when you split Hannah in half it still have the same letter on both there
17:17um
17:19Yeah, yeah, I'm not really cool. Yeah, but I in order to split you. I'm gonna have to store you in half
17:30Sorry, yeah, I'm gonna have to store you in half get my uniform off
17:36Say if you put your arm up my arm up. Yeah
17:40Yeah, are you actually doing it?
17:48You're doing great sweetheart
17:52Yeah, I think I'm done right now. Can I go? Yeah, yeah, basically you're splitting her name. Oh
18:01Your legs are going. Oh, no. Legs?
18:03Nah, his name is Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah, come back
18:07Come back
18:08Your legs are going
18:09How do you do that? That's not my plan. That was not my plan
18:13That was not my plan
18:23It's good. I'll tell you why it's good. It's got both elements, hasn't it?
18:28It's got a bit of showbiz splitting and it's got some nerdy splitting of the name as well with the whole nah thing
18:34I was bored senseless
18:37If we go to the bottom I don't know even though I like the idea of getting words into the dictionary
18:42Mm-hm
18:43I don't know how exciting it was watching you cut that ducky
18:48LAUGHTER
18:49Were it not her birthday
18:51That would be getting one point
18:54Wow
18:55Let's come back to it
18:58The least exciting performance
19:00Mm-hm
19:01Was Jill's
19:02Oh
19:03It was a great idea, but I just thought in performative terms
19:06You've only got to look at the person who's
19:09Up one from you, Zoo
19:10Incredible performance
19:11He's split a pineapple
19:12But I'm putting Sam above him
19:15Because Sam split something boring
19:17And then he tried to destroy his parents' marriage
19:21Which makes it more exciting
19:22And I'm going to give Rose five points
19:24But it's Susie Dent's birthday
19:25But it's Susie Dent's birthday
19:26What I love about this is I've already put Rose in first place
19:38And she's still playing the death card
19:40No!
19:43Does Susie's birthday make her duck more exciting than Jill's splits?
19:49I've always wondered
19:50The answer is yes
19:51It does
19:52So Jill moves to last place
19:54Aww
19:56Because it's Susie Dent's birthday
19:57Happy birthday
19:58Just to summarise
19:59Because it's Susie Dent's birthday
20:00Jill is being punished and losing a point
20:03And Susie Dent is getting an extra point
20:05Yep!
20:06Rose, where are the five points?
20:12OK, shall we see a scoreboard, Alex, please?
20:14Yes, well, first of all, I'll tell you how this episode is going
20:16People like me at home will love the fact that it's four, five, six, seven, eight
20:20With Sam on the top, he's got eight points, well on Sam
20:23Really?
20:24Yeah
20:25I can tell you how the total of these two episodes is going
20:28Please don't let Jill be one point off winning
20:30You've got bad news, I'm afraid, Greg
20:34That's very great
20:35LAUGHTER
20:37That's a good season
20:38Rose has 22 points and one point behind
20:41LAUGHTER
20:43Is...
20:44Jill is on...
20:45Jill's on 21
20:47And Sam's on 21 as well
20:49OK, I'm going to make this right, Jill
20:51OK
20:52On we stride, what's next, Alex?
20:54Well, the first task was all about halves
20:56And the next one is all about doubles
20:58But we didn't realise that till just now
20:59And that's because a lot of this show is good luck
21:01Rather than good planning
21:02LAUGHTER
21:15Ooh, we're back in the lab
21:18Hi, Jill
21:19Pallets of paint, balls, paintbrushes
21:28May I?
21:29Mm-hm
21:30I thought they would be stress balls
21:34Hold...
21:36..a number of yellow balls in your hand
21:39You have one minute, your time starts now
21:42So, hold a number of yellow balls in your hand
21:46Hold as many as you can in your hand
21:48Yeah
21:49How about that?
21:50That's interesting
21:51I'm going to go with eight
21:52OK
21:53I'm going to go four
21:54Four?
21:55Eight, seven, eight, nine
21:56Eighteen
21:57You've gone eighteen?
21:59Yeah
22:02Can you help me, please?
22:04What, do you want me...?
22:05Can you stop dropping balls, please?
22:07LAUGHTER
22:09OK
22:11Twelve balls
22:12There is part two
22:13Oh, OK
22:14Do you want me to open it for you?
22:17Yeah
22:18Paint two identical and flattering self-portraits
22:22You have as many minutes as there are yellow balls in your hands
22:26Or until you drop a yellow ball
22:29Or until you drop a yellow ball
22:31We haven't started yet
22:32Eh, that's done then
22:34I've got it
22:35Also, you must paint on one canvas for no more than five seconds before painting on the other
22:41OK, so it's a little switcheroo
22:43Best pair of identical flattering self-portrait wins
22:46Your time is starting now
22:47Thank you very much
22:48Why did I decide this?
22:50APPLAUSE
22:56This is not my episode
22:57We've only known them for a short time
22:59They've come in and they've all got different approaches to seeing the task and assessing it
23:03Sam comes in and he generally lists everything he can see
23:06Big Sue walks in and laughs like a super-villain
23:08And Susie, not to make you self-conscious, always responds in the same way
23:13Whenever she sees every task, like she's just heard the pilot say
23:16I'm afraid we've lost the second engine
23:18LAUGHTER
23:20Are you ready for a montage of them all, Greg?
23:23My God, yes
23:24Let's see them all arting in the lab
23:28Happy within nine minutes?
23:29Yeah
23:33Three, four, five
23:35So the balls aren't hampering you too much?
23:37No
23:38Good choice
23:40You look like you know what you're doing
23:42I went to art college
23:43Oh, wow
23:50Over you go
23:51I mean, this is just going to be as basic as you get
23:55Oh
23:58I may have dropped a ball
23:59Do I carry on?
24:00No, you dropped the ball, that's the end of the task
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03OK, well that was plain and simple
24:06Stop!
24:09No, no, no
24:13Three minutes
24:15Shouldn't have done that
24:16Ooh, I shouldn't have done that
24:18Look, she's got nice, strong arms
24:20They're my arms, by the way
24:21Before you make any jokes
24:23I'm not being funny
24:24I've seen some of the bullshit in the museums
24:26And this is up there, I reckon
24:28In the art museum?
24:29Yeah
24:30Gonna give myself a little tan
24:31Let's see if I can colour in all the places
24:35It's going well
24:41I'm not too dissatisfied with that
24:43You have got 11 minutes left
24:44But you don't have to use it all
24:45I've dropped the drug
24:47APPLAUSE
24:52Oh dear, Cece
24:54Why did I think that I had to hold balls in each hand?
24:57I don't know
24:58It's a question I've asked myself for a thousand times
25:02You're actually waiting until after the break to pass judgment
25:04However, I want to show you one thing that happened
25:07Which we didn't include in the montage because it was so serious
25:09Have a look at this
25:10Why did I decide this?
25:17Stop the clock
25:20Yeah, so
25:21This is what Big Zoo did before dropping the yellow ball
25:25Oh
25:30I wish it was my birthday
25:34Oh well
25:35It's time to stop for some more adverts now
25:36The January sales are on
25:38Alex, have you got your eye on anything?
25:40Yeah, well I thought I might have a look for
25:41Get your teeth fixed!
25:44Oh!
25:45We'll be off the break
25:54Hello!
25:56Welcome back to the third part of this New Year's treat final
25:59Alex, I would love to see their self-portrait paintings please
26:02Yes, I think it's time and remember the best pair of identical, flattering portraits that wins
26:09First, here is Rose's poses
26:13Have a look at this
26:15Oh!
26:16They're good
26:17Imagine if she hadn't dropped a ball
26:19It was horrible to walk away knowing I could do it better
26:23Sorry, I was almost certain you were going to play the deaf card again
26:28I'm deaf
26:30Oh God
26:32She doesn't have any eyes as well
26:34And look, she has...
26:36I know you!
26:38And I can't smell!
26:39No sense of smell!
26:42OK, let's have a look at another ball dropper
26:45It's Susie's Muses
26:47All right
26:53I hate it
26:54One is chiseled, one's got a hobble chin
26:57So flattering
26:58But they're not, you know, they're not too dissimilar
27:00No?
27:01Susie was going through problems in here
27:04I want to see another one please
27:06Right, well here are Jill Scott's blots
27:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:15It is good!
27:17And they are pretty identical
27:19Yeah
27:20And look how rich he is
27:22And how runny one of their noses is
27:27I do have hair fever
27:28Tear fever
27:29We're going to have a look at Sam's Mano and Mano now
27:32Identical
27:33Oh, that's good
27:35That's good as well
27:37Really good
27:38I look like a baked bean in the middle
27:40LAUGHTER
27:42I'm laughing at how we're seeing these are good
27:44They're actually really shit
27:46LAUGHTER
27:48I don't know
27:49Maybe it's my low expectations, Jill
27:52Well, we have already seen Zoo's attempt
27:54But would you like to see what he did after?
27:57Yeah, but I have to say he dropped the ball
27:58So we're taking the black canvases
28:00Unfortunately, we have to
28:01Because of the rules
28:02But what if this one is really, really good, Craig?
28:05OK, give me a chance
28:07LAUGHTER
28:10Why is he...
28:13I'm mixed race
28:14I'm mixed race
28:15I'm mixed race
28:16You can't just keep saying I'm mixed race
28:18I'm mixed race
28:19Just like this
28:20Yeah
28:21Why did you paint your nose green?
28:24I would argue that
28:25Regardless of dropping the ball
28:26Zoo's is the worst anyway
28:31I can't argue with that
28:32OK, well, here are all ten portraits
28:34Unfortunately
28:35Big Sue has to come last
28:37For more than one reason
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40And the next worst
28:41Is obviously
28:42Zizi
28:43Two points
28:44On her birthday
28:45Right, two for Sue
28:46I'm going to give Sam three points
28:48Yeah
28:49I'm giving Jill four points
28:50And you know why?
28:51I think they're about the same level
28:53Yeah
28:54But I just really like muscles
28:55So I'm giving you an...
28:56I'm giving you an extra point, Jill
28:58LAUGHTER
28:59But I think the best piece of art
29:02And the most flattering
29:03I genuinely think it's roses
29:05Thank you
29:06APPLAUSE
29:07Thank you
29:08Thank you
29:09Thank you
29:10Alright, I'm afraid it's already time
29:12For the last of their pre-recorded tasks
29:15Will you be sad to see them go, Alex?
29:17I'm going to say no
29:18Because we're playing the opposites game
29:20Oh!
29:21Ooh!
29:22What?
29:23MUSIC PLAYS
29:24MUSIC PLAYS
29:25MUSIC CONTINUES
29:26MUSIC CONTINUES
29:27MUSIC CONTINUES
29:28MUSIC CONTINUES
29:29MUSIC CONTINUES
29:30MUSIC CONTINUES
29:31MUSIC CONTINUES
29:32MUSIC CONTINUES
29:33MUSIC CONTINUES
29:34MUSIC CONTINUES
29:35Alright, I'm eating a grape
29:36I hope not mine
29:37What on earth is going on here?
29:41It's a scroll
29:42Mmm!
29:43Oh, I thought it was a rolling pin
29:44OK
29:45Ah, OK
29:46It's like national treasure
29:48We have to...
29:50National Trust?
29:51LAUGHTER
29:54I just spat grape all the way
29:57That's an actual insane amount of grape
29:59Complete the most instructions in the order they are presented
30:04You have five minutes
30:06Your time starts when you open the instructions scroll
30:11Yeah, we've started
30:12We've started?
30:13All about speed
30:14Yeah, your time's starting now
30:16Oh, no!
30:17APPLAUSE
30:19I think this is my race class
30:21We just need to crack on and have a look at it
30:23OK, let's see how Rose, Sam and Susie got on first
30:26Shut your eyes and open your mouth
30:28One
30:29Talk an eye voice for five seconds and keep going like this
30:32Oh, no!
30:33My name is Rose
30:34Wish for the alphabet backward
30:36Z
30:37Z
30:38Y
30:39X
30:40X
30:41Put a cold thing on the big plate
30:45That cold ice lolly
30:47Yeah, lovely
30:48My hand is actually really cold
30:50I mean, the grape I ate was pretty cold, it was chilled
30:53So that was all part of the plan
30:55Tell a lie about your childhood
30:57I was the most popular person in the entire school
31:00I was never bullied
31:01I were living in Jamaica
31:04Turn the wetsuit inside out
31:06Where's that?
31:07That is inside out
31:10Spin twice anti-clockwise
31:12Throw a sock at Alex
31:16Oh, right in the face
31:17Knocked down the tower
31:20Ah, I fucking hate jigsaws
31:22Ah
31:27Done
31:28It's not a big jigsaw
31:30It's not a big jigsaw
31:31But it's quite a confusing jigsaw
31:34Who does these for fun?
31:36I can move on to the next one
31:37Well, you might have to
31:38Oh, OK, fine
31:39Put a ball in a bottle
31:46Done
31:47OK, 45 seconds
31:49It's in
31:50You need the balloon now, don't you?
31:51Yes
31:52Inflate the balloon
31:54Shake your head
31:55Blow it out, I can
31:56Thank you
31:57Clean the bowl
31:58Oh, bloody hell, I'm not licking that
32:03No, it's clean
32:05Send a text a bit on my phone with me
32:07Mum, Dad's not cheating on you, love you
32:11Try not
32:12And not
32:14If you ever
32:17Bastard
32:19Look up
32:20Duck
32:21Duck
32:22Duck
32:23And sit
32:25OK
32:26Sit
32:28Take this away
32:30Yeah, would you mind reading that one as well?
32:33OK
32:34Part two
32:36Do the opposite of those instructions in the opposite order
32:40You have five minutes
32:41Nice instruction complete, backward, win
32:43You have five minutes
32:44All of the things, how do I know what I've done?
32:45Well, you've got to remember them
32:46Really?
32:47Probably
32:48APPLAUSE
32:49That was so annoying
32:54I just love it when people can miss, I've written it down, Sam says, I fucking hate jigsaws
32:59That's what I was thinking
33:00Then you're kryptonite
33:01I could not get your eye to fit on your cheek
33:02So the whole point of this task is the second half, do the opposite of those instructions in the opposite order, the first half was not relevant really
33:15This is what's important, it's time for part two
33:19Stand up
33:20Stand
33:21How do you do the opposite of ducking?
33:25Jump
33:26Look up
33:27Look up
33:28Look down
33:29Good
33:30Tied it not in here
33:32Delete
33:33For everyone
33:36Dirty bowl
33:37Ha ha ha
33:38I didn't clean it
33:42I've really
33:46I haven't got time for it
33:48But I've done a dice
33:49That's a swear cube
33:51Opposite of a circle
33:53I'll take it
33:54Fucking sick
33:56Blow the balloon up
33:59Well, that wasn't the order, was it?
34:01Do the chitcho
34:02It's quite easy to do the opposite of these because I didn't do those in the first place
34:07And then build the tower
34:09Oh, I remembered
34:12Is it part of here, is it just me?
34:14My stock, can I have my stock back?
34:15You want me to throw your stock at you?
34:17No, I get it from you
34:20Was it then building the tower up?
34:22Sure
34:23And then I tell you the truth about my childhood
34:28I was bullying in school
34:30I grew up in a tent
34:33Hot hand, not touching the plate
34:35Well, your hand's hotter than now
34:36Yeah, really hot, because it is hotter now, as I've just said
34:40Next was A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, and B
34:43Yet
34:44Two more
34:45Speak in a low voice, how do you do the opposite?
34:47Speak in a low voice for five, four, three, two, one
34:49Ten seconds
34:51Hello, my name is
34:53No
34:56Have it anyway
34:57Thank you
34:58And then the one, don't blink my eye
35:03Cough
35:05Whistle
35:06You did it
35:07You shut your mouth
35:08Oh, did I?
35:09How do you think you did?
35:10Really badly
35:11Really badly
35:12Yeah
35:13Gotta keep your wits about you on this game, ain't ya?
35:15You always do, yeah
35:16Yeah
35:21I mean, really, my big observation is I can't believe how well they did
35:24I mean, Susie didn't do well, she was right
35:26Yeah
35:27I didn't
35:28But you did do nine out of the 20
35:30Which is not terrible
35:31It is the angriest we've seen Susie so far
35:33I even wrote it down, she went
35:35Yes, because it's hot in here, as I just said
35:40Sam did 13 of the things in the right order, opposite way round
35:45And rose 15, which was far more than we expected
35:48Wow, thank you
35:49As long as you're accepting that putting a cube in a bottle
35:52Is the opposite of putting a ball in a bottle
35:54The only reason I'm allowing it is because I so enjoyed this
35:57Ha ha ha! I didn't clean it!
36:00I was so happy
36:03Just one part left of our New Year's treat
36:06Someone will win Susie Dent's golden toilet seat
36:09And someone will win my golden eyebrows
36:12It all ties together for Christmas
36:14I gave Alex a golden shower
36:17A little stingy
36:19It was stingy
36:20I don't drink enough water
36:21See you soon for the grand finale!
36:24APPLAUSE
36:31Hello!
36:34Welcome back to the final part of the show
36:37Where our New Year treat is coming to an end
36:40Just as the New Year is beginning
36:42I know, and it's going to be a big year for me
36:44I'm going to do 20 press-ups every other day
36:46I'm going to phone my parents on the days in between the press-up days
36:49And maybe I'll join some sort of hobby club
36:52And finally, in the opposite class
36:54It's Scott, Jill and Zoo Big
36:57Hello, my name is Jill
37:01My name is Betsy
37:03It's so cold, what's cold?
37:06That's cold!
37:07OK
37:08I was really good at swimming
37:09Why did I put my hand in the sticky stuff?
37:12Why is it so difficult?
37:15Two minutes left
37:16You can just play your games
37:17This is what you do
37:20Right, it's just going to Lloyds Bank
37:22Hey
37:23You texted the bank?
37:24Why did you text the bank?
37:25I don't know
37:26Right, I'm tired of not
37:27Look up
37:28Go up
37:29Sit
37:32Five seconds left, Zoo
37:33I'm coming
37:34Good
37:35You got me living like a housewife
37:37You're abusive man
37:38I even dried it
37:41That's your time up
37:42No
37:43Are you ready for part two?
37:44Part two?
37:45Yes, please
37:46Second scroll for you, sir
37:48I didn't even talk about a double scroll
37:50Do the opposite of those instructions in the opposite order
37:54Is it here?
37:55Oh
37:57I was going to say, like
37:58Oh, what is that?
38:00You've got to keep your wits about you on this game, ain't you?
38:02You always do, yeah
38:03Yeah
38:04Yeah
38:07Sit down
38:08Look down
38:09Alright, do the opposite
38:10Right
38:11Sit
38:12Duck
38:13Look up
38:14Try enough
38:15Do the opposite
38:16Do the opposite
38:17Do the opposite
38:18Do the opposite
38:19Send a text
38:20Don't send a text
38:21Receive a text
38:22Can you text me?
38:23Sure
38:24Send a text
38:25Go into the bank again
38:26Make this dirty again
38:27It's already clean
38:28Why am I cleaning it twice?
38:30That's a good question, Zoo
38:31Yeah
38:32Three and a half minutes, Zoo
38:33Thanks, Jim
38:34Oh, good
38:35Isn't it right how your brain works?
38:36Hmm
38:40Complete the jigsaw
38:42Complete the jigsaw
38:43Complete the jigsaw
38:44It's already complete
38:45That's weird
38:47That's a tower, is it?
38:48That's a tower
38:49That's a tower
38:50Okay, okay
38:51Come on, Jim
38:54Tell a lie about your childhood
38:56I learnt to ride a bike at six
38:57To the truth
38:58Um
38:59I really enjoy instant noodles
39:03Yo, my name is Big Zoo
39:05And I am your father
39:07Or your uncle
39:08Depends
39:09Shut your eyes
39:10And open your mouth
39:13Madam
39:14Show your eyes open your mouth
39:15Oh
39:16I think I've got an emergency call from the bank
39:22Can I just take this?
39:23Yeah, yeah
39:24I think they think I'm in trouble
39:25Okay
39:26I mean, you said something, Jim
39:27When I watch something as catastrophic as that
39:29And the only thing I've written down is
39:31Who the hell texts their bank?
39:33I don't feel so bad about the whole birthday point though
39:36Oh no, I need that back now, please
39:37No, you've got it back for that shit painting
39:39I don't feel so bad about the whole birthday point though
39:42Oh no, I need that back now, please
39:45No, you've got it back for that shit painting
39:49Zoo absolutely knocked it out of the park, didn't it?
39:52So we did all but one on the second time round
39:54Wow
39:55That was good
39:56Yeah, guys
39:57Oh, really?
39:58No!
39:59I'm waiting
40:00Jill gets 1 point
40:012 to 2
40:023 for Sam
40:034 for Rose
40:04But finally, Big Zoo gets 5 points
40:06Yay!
40:07Yay!
40:08I'm waiting
40:09You know how much this means to me
40:11All right, everyone
40:13Just one more thing to do
40:14So please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:24Hello, you lovely boy
40:26Well, hello, you lovely man
40:27Who will be reading the task?
40:29Well, there's a lot of words
40:30So there's only one person who knows words
40:32And that's Susie Dent to read out all these words
40:34OK
40:35Take it away, Susie Dent
40:36Win the shoe games
40:38Wow
40:39She just knows every word
40:41Bring the shoe, Dent
40:43There's going to be four shoe games
40:44We're going to lose a player each time
40:46Round one
40:47Hold a size 11 left shoe above your head
40:51You may only pick out one shoe at a time
40:54And you must replace the shoe before picking another
40:58Last player is eliminated
41:00Let's play
41:01Shoe games
41:02And off they go
41:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:09You must replace it
41:10Please put the shoe back in, Jill
41:11Put the shoe back in, Jill
41:12Thank you, by the way
41:13You've got to put the shoe back in
41:14What?
41:15Oh
41:16Oh my word
41:17Jill is really struggling with the sack
41:19I'm sorry
41:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:24Oh, we've lost Rose Ailey Gillis
41:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32Are you ready for the second one?
41:34Yes
41:35Remove the shoe lace from your shoe
41:36And hold it above your head
41:37Last player is eliminated
41:38Oh
41:39Oh, I'm glad I'm out of this
41:41More haste, less speed, surely
41:44Oh, Zoo, if you lose this
41:46Oh, Zoo
41:48We have Jill
41:50We have
41:52Oh
41:55Oh, this is the worst shoe I've ever had
41:58I love games
41:59I love games
42:01We love the shoe games
42:02We've lost Sam Ryder
42:03Sam Ryder
42:04Five minutes
42:05Are you ready for more high-octane
42:07I cannot put into words how ready I am
42:09It's shoe games round three
42:12Let's dance
42:13For this one
42:14You must stay on the spot at all times
42:15Please don't do anything till I blow the whistle
42:18Throw a sock onto your shoe
42:22No part of the sock can be touching the ground
42:24It could be in it
42:26But if any part of the sock is touching the ground
42:27It won't count
42:28It'll be the final after this
42:29Last player is eliminated
42:32Sock and a shoe
42:33Oh my word
42:34Oh
42:35Oh
42:36Just touching the floor
42:37Bamba clap
42:38LAUGHTER
42:40Oh, come on
42:41I can't say Bamba clap
42:42No, you're on your spot
42:43They don't know where
42:44Oh
42:45No, no, no
42:46You lot are cheating
42:47That is good
42:48You lot are cheating
42:49You lot are cheating
42:50You lot are cheating
42:51Jill safe
42:52You lot are cheating
42:53Oh
42:55No
42:56Come on
42:57Come on
42:58Come on
42:59Come on
43:00Come on
43:01Come on
43:02Yes
43:03Well done, keep going
43:04No
43:05That's a lot of sock
43:06Oh, God
43:07The game hasn't sustained excitement
43:09Bro, bro, bro, run out of socks
43:12Oh
43:13No
43:14It's not touching the floor
43:19It's touching shoe and another sock
43:20We've lost Lucy Dan
43:21We've lost Lucy Dan
43:22We've lost Lucy Dan
43:23We've lost Lucy Dan
43:24We've finally made it
43:27It's the final of shoe games
43:29So this time flick your shoe into the bucket and by flick we mean the shoe has to be on your foot
43:42You must flick it
43:44But that's not a fish
43:45No
43:46No
43:47No
43:48No
43:49No, wait there
43:50Playing football I put a size 11 shoe on my foot and flick it into a bucket
43:53Oh, come on, ball
43:54Same thing
43:55This one's more like golf
43:56You will flick
43:57And then you will flick
43:58First to flick
43:59It's Big Zoo
44:00Yeah, whatever
44:01I'm thinking the wind's going a bit that way
44:03And line it there
44:05Nah, come on
44:06I'm left footed, Bob
44:07Up
44:08Oh
44:09Fuck
44:10Fuck
44:11Ah
44:12Oh
44:16Big Zoo, you may approach your shoe
44:19You must flick it from that position
44:22You can pick it up and put it on your foot
44:24But you do have to flick it from there
44:26No closer to the bucket
44:27So I can put it on my foot, yeah?
44:28Yeah
44:29Where it fell
44:30It was there?
44:31Yes
44:32Oh, you just took a step all the way
44:34Back an inch, please
44:35WHISTLE BLOWS
44:36Yeah
44:37Oh
44:38Right
44:39All right
44:44Oh
44:45No big zoo, big zoo
44:46Back to your spot
44:47On the spot, please
44:52Just a flick
44:53Just a flick
44:54Just a flick
44:55Just a flick
44:56That was
44:57We are the winner
44:58CHEERING
44:59Right
45:01We will add those to your final scores
45:03Come down and join me
45:05CHEERING
45:06CHEERING
45:07Wow, Jill, that was amazing
45:08And it means you have excitingly joined Sam on 16 points
45:17Which means
45:18Yeah
45:19It's exciting
45:20It means they've come joint second
45:22One behind today's winner with 17 points
45:27It is
45:28Rose Aileen Ellis
45:29CHEERING
45:30CHEERING
45:31CHEERING
45:32Rose wins the episode
45:33Please head up to eye your exotic prizes
45:36CHEERING
45:37CHEERING
45:38CHEERING
45:39CHEERING
45:44CHEERING
45:45Let's find out who has won the first ever double treat
45:50OK then, Greg
45:52Well, in fifth place
45:53She has done very well
45:55Despite what she thinks
45:56And despite what the position says
45:58LAUGHTER
45:59With 25 points
46:00It's Susie Den
46:01CHEERING
46:02CHEERING
46:03Happy birthday, last place
46:05But she's only one point behind someone who thought he was going to win
46:10throughout
46:11It's Big Zoo
46:12CHEERING
46:13CHEERING
46:14CHEERING
46:15In third place
46:16He's got the energy of a big dog
46:18It's Sam Ryder with 29 points
46:20CHEERING
46:21CHEERING
46:23CHEERING
46:24There's only one point in it
46:25There's 31 points
46:27LAUGHTER
46:28CHEERING
46:29I put that right
46:31One of our nation's greatest sports people
46:33It's Jill Stobbs
46:34CHEERING
46:35CHEERING
46:36CHEERING
46:37So the winner got a total of 32 points across two episodes, Greg
46:42The winner of the first ever double New Year's treat
46:46It's Jill!
46:48CHEERING
46:49CHEERING
46:50CHEERING
46:52Congratulations
46:54Congratulations
46:55Thank you
46:58You're welcome
47:03You're welcome
47:06LAUGHTER
47:07It's Hallo
47:11You're welcome
47:13You're welcome
47:14You're welcome
47:16You're welcome
47:18ức
47:18You're welcome
47:19Oh!
47:21Who you have to tell me
47:23How do you feel?
47:24You
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