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00:00Music
00:29Hello, and welcome to Modern Life is Goodish,
00:32where tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do something a little different.
00:35We are going to have a special guest.
00:37Ooh!
00:39Correct noise.
00:40Now, I want to make sure that I give our special guest
00:43the very best introduction I can,
00:45so I've been studying the various intros available in the showbiz world,
00:49and I think I've decided that the best introduction
00:51is what we in the business call the It Can Only Be intro.
00:56For the uninitiated, that's where the introducer
00:58lays down two or three facts about the introducee
01:01that the audience could triangulate and work out who it could be,
01:04but before your brain has had the chance to come up with the answer,
01:06the introducer is already saying,
01:08Ladies and gentlemen, it can only be...
01:11And you lot are looking at me as if I've lost my mind.
01:14I'll show you what I mean.
01:16For me, the king, the maestro of the It Can Only Be intro
01:20has got to be Mr Brian Conley.
01:23In the days before he turned into a silver fox,
01:26but while he still had that problem where both his hands
01:28share the same magnetic polarity,
01:30he presented a TV show called The TV That Made Me.
01:34There he is, on the set.
01:36And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, in action.
01:39Welcome to The TV That Made Me.
01:41Yeah, you can see they solved the problem
01:42by gluing his hands to the sofa.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45Let's watch the It Can Only Be master at work.
01:49My guest today has been the king of the jungle.
01:51Yeah, he's been a king of the jungle.
01:53The star of the square.
01:54Star of the square.
01:55It can only be the one and only...
01:57Well, who can it one and only be, ladies and gentlemen?
02:00Let's work this out for ourselves.
02:01He's given us two bits of information here.
02:03Number one, they are the king of the jungle,
02:06and number two, the star of the square.
02:09What could these phrases mean?
02:11Let's think about the king of the jungle.
02:13It could be, could be, that he's about to introduce a lion.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:19Or...
02:20Or he could be about to introduce Tarzan, yeah?
02:24That would also work, wouldn't it?
02:25Or, and I think we know this is the truth, we're British,
02:28we know that when someone in British light-end says,
02:31king of the jungle, what they really mean is someone who has won,
02:35I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.
02:37What about star of the square?
02:39It could be that he's about to introduce one of the actors
02:43from the obscure 2008 Australian movie, The Square.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48Or maybe someone from the 2017 Swedish film, The Square.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:54Or one of the many members of the Lewisham-based grime outfit,
02:58The Square, yeah?
03:00We've all got our favourites, haven't we?
03:01We've all... all got...
03:02Mine's MCD Gilles.
03:04Oh, yeah.
03:05But again, we know it's not going to be those things.
03:07This is daytime telly, and it's Brian Conley doing the talking,
03:10so we know it must mean someone who has been in EastEnders.
03:15Now, how do we solve this riddle?
03:17Easy. With a Venn diagram.
03:18That's how we solve this riddle.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20What are we looking for here, ladies and gentlemen?
03:22We are looking for someone who fulfils the following criteria.
03:25They have one, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here,
03:27and they have been in EastEnders.
03:30Now, it turns out there are actually two people who live in the intersection
03:33of this particular Venn diagram.
03:35You've got Charlie Brooks, but you've also got Joe Swash.
03:38But Brian said King of the Jungle, not Queen of the Jungle,
03:40so it must be Joe Swash.
03:42Ladies and gentlemen, let's see if we've worked it out correctly.
03:44Go on, Bri, take it away.
03:45It can only be the one and only Joe Swash!
03:47Oh, exactly!
03:49That is how you nail an It Can Only Be intro.
03:53If you do it right, it literally can only be one person,
03:57so you should always be able to work it out.
04:00With that in mind...
04:03..let's have a look at another one.
04:06Welcome to the TV The Maybe.
04:07My guest today is a friend to the stars and one in her own right.
04:12It can only be the lovely...
04:17I'm not sure that one's working, is it?
04:19Let's plug this into the Venn diagram.
04:21We have got friend to the stars and a star in her own right.
04:29So what you've got to do now is remove all of the stars
04:35who hate all the other stars.
04:37We should be left with just one star.
04:40The only star who is a friend to other stars
04:43and who presumably doesn't realise that none of the other stars like her.
04:49I think we're all now thinking of the right person, aren't we?
04:51Let's just satisfy our own curiosity.
04:54It can only be the lovely Alison Hammond!
04:57And look at that face, even she's as surprised as you are!
05:04She stood backstage thinking, I thought, I was on this show,
05:06he's introducing someone, bloody hell, it's me, I'm on!
05:08I'll show you my favourite ever, Brian Connolly, it can only be intro.
05:13This is absolutely peachy.
05:15I guess today is one of Britain's most cherished actors, it can only be...
05:19You can't do that! You can't start by saying, is one of,
05:27and then immediately tell us it can only be.
05:30You've just told us it's one of multiple people in a category, you idiot!
05:34That's not how it works, is it?
05:37Well, I suppose technically you could, but it wouldn't feel right.
05:41I mean, I'm not saying anyone should ever do this, I think it's in very poor taste.
05:44I'm only pointing out that there are times when it would be technically accurate.
05:49If you were to say, my guest today is one of the Bee Gees.
05:53Ladies and gentlemen, it can only be, that would, that would technically...
05:57They're just saying it would technically...
05:59I'm just saying technically, well, I told you that's funnier than the Chuckle Brothers.
06:03I did, I did, come on.
06:05No, no, no, no, no, no!
06:07Don't you dare go, ooooooooh!
06:10If you laughed at two Bee Gees, you can't suddenly go ooooh over one chuckle.
06:15You're the one with the moral compass that's out of whack.
06:21Anyway, the only way I can make sense of this
06:24is if it means the most obvious of Britain's cherished actors,
06:27so I think it must be Britain's most cherished actor.
06:31And right now, you're all rolling through your little mental rolodex of Britain's most cherished actors.
06:36Is it Sir Ian McKellen, Dane, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Derek Jacoby?
06:41Lower your sights just a little bit.
06:44I guarantee that not one of you is thinking of the right answer.
06:47When I tell you the right answer, not only will you obviously know
06:50that you weren't thinking of the right answer,
06:52you will also know in your gut that nobody was thinking of the right answer.
06:58You just will. Here we go.
07:00It can only be the legend that is Anita Dobson.
07:07Look, I think Anita Dobson is a wonderful actor, I truly do,
07:12but I don't think anyone thinks she's Britain's most cherished actor, do they?
07:16I mean, maybe Brian May, but maybe not, I don't know.
07:20I don't think even Brian Conley thinks she's Britain's most cherished actor.
07:24In fact, I know he doesn't, because I asked him.
07:29I sent him a cheeky little tweet,
07:31at real Brian Conley.
07:33Just a quick question, who would you say is Britain's most cherished actor?
07:37No edge, no agenda, Brian, just curious,
07:39just the sort of thing I like to know from people.
07:41I got a reply, got to be Michael Caine for me.
07:45I love it when someone who tweets exactly the way you think they talk,
07:49he's the governor.
07:51Anyway, the important thing is that we all now understand how the
07:56It Can Only Be intro works, so let's put it into practice
07:59and introduce my special guest this evening.
08:01Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today has been a star of the square
08:04and is one of Britain's most cherished actors.
08:07He is a one-man walking variety show.
08:09He can do it all, ladies and gentlemen.
08:10He can sing, he can dance, he can present.
08:12Indeed, his presenting gigs have included the Royal Variety performance
08:16and the TV that made me.
08:19Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together because he can't.
08:25It can only be the legend that is Mr. Brian Conley, ladies and gentlemen.
08:36Brian, very nicey to be here.
08:40Lovely to be here, Dave. Lovely.
08:43If I'm honest, I did think this was going to be the Russell Howard show.
08:48So, er, what do you want me to do?
08:50I want you to do what you do best, which is like an introduction.
08:56All right, then.
08:57You just introduced the second part of the show, is that all right?
09:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:01OK.
09:02He'll see you after the break.
09:03Cheers.
09:15Welcome back to Modern Life is Goodish with me, Bron Conley.
09:19But yes, I have done eight Royal Variety performances, and now I am here.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:27Anyway, I want to introduce to you now.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:34The star, please.
09:35APPLAUSE
09:37I want to introduce the star of tonight's show.
09:39He can't sing.
09:41He can't dance.
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43He can't tell jokes.
09:44He just stands in front of the screen like a weatherman who's lost his map.
09:51It could only be...
09:53Dave Gorman!
09:55Brian Conley, ladies and gentlemen!
09:58Mr Brian Conley!
09:59Do you know what, ladies and gentlemen?
10:11There is something that I need to get off my chest.
10:16In recent times, I've developed a bit of a bad habit with the old H.
10:25I've just realised what that sounds like.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27I'm not admitting to a heroin addiction here, ladies and gentlemen.
10:30LAUGHTER
10:30In fact, can we get rid of this sofa? It's not really helping.
10:33It would be really weird to get Brian Conley to introduce the bit
10:36where I do the heroin confession, wouldn't it?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:39I haven't got a heroin problem.
10:40Honestly, I hardly ever touch the stuff.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43The bad habit I've developed is with the actual letter H.
10:48I have started mispronouncing the letter H.
10:52I just did it again.
10:53The correct pronunciation, as I'm sure you all know,
10:56is H.
10:57It's got a punchy A at the beginning.
10:59It's not H.
11:01I've become a H-person, ladies and gentlemen.
11:04I can feel you looking at me thinking,
11:05come on, Dave, how often are you called upon to say the letter H out loud?
11:10Let me tell you, in my role as fan club president for the band Steps,
11:13it happens.
11:14LAUGHTER
11:16But it does happen, doesn't it? It can happen to anyone.
11:17I was having a little romantic stroll with Mrs Gorman the other day.
11:20A young lady came up to us and said,
11:22Excuse me, do you know if there's a cash point nearby?
11:24I said, Absolutely.
11:25You drink left here and immediately right,
11:26you'll go down that little ginnel,
11:28you will emerge directly in front of the HSBC.
11:31And as I said that, Mrs Gorman let go of my hand...
11:35LAUGHTER
11:37..and took one step backwards as if embarrassed to be seen with me.
11:42And when the woman had scurried off to get her money out of the hole in the wall,
11:44Mrs Gorman turned to me and said,
11:46What the hell's happened to you?
11:48When did you become a H-person?
11:50You were always an H-person.
11:52I met an H-person, I married an H-person,
11:54I'm not sure I'm happy about this H-person who's turned up unannounced.
11:57And I tried explaining to her how it happened and in many ways it was her fault,
12:01but let's not dwell.
12:02It was...
12:03It was really because of Covid.
12:05And I know that makes it sound like I think it's a symptom.
12:08What I mean is, it was because of the lockdowns.
12:11Here's the thing.
12:12During lockdown, Mrs Gorman's work could carry on a little bit,
12:15and so she carried on working a little bit.
12:17Mine was completely wiped out for the best part of two years,
12:22which meant that in the Gorman household,
12:23I carried the main burden of the homeschooling.
12:26I bloody loved homeschooling.
12:29It was brilliant.
12:31The Gore boy was only five.
12:32I knew all the answers.
12:35I think you've got to find ways of making homeschooling fun,
12:39and that's what I did.
12:40We were in reception with a five-year-old, so we were doing phonics.
12:44When you're doing phonics, you don't say A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
12:47you say...
12:47..which means I spent months intensively hucking for my boy.
12:53Ha-at-a-is-hat, ha-is-is, ha-at-a-hat-is-is, ha-hot-a-hot-is-hat-is-hot.
13:01And all those months of hucking for my boy have left a residual ha at the beginning of my H,
13:08and I can't leading shift it.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:12And incidentally, I do know that some of the people watching this show will also be H people,
13:16and I don't want you to feel picked on or judged.
13:18If you're a H person, you don't have to sit there thinking,
13:20oh, no, Dave hates me for being a H person.
13:22I don't hate you for being a H person whatsoever.
13:25Each to their own.
13:25You do you.
13:26Absolutely fine.
13:27I do not hate you for it.
13:28I just hate me for it because it's wrong.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31It is wrong.
13:32It is wrong.
13:33They're not both right.
13:34It isn't a matter of opinion.
13:36If you look it up in the dictionary, you can see for yourself, ladies and gentlemen,
13:39H is the eighth letter in the modern English alphabet,
13:42and the dictionary tells us that it is sometimes spelt out H.
13:45And while I'm here, isn't it blooming weird that letters can be spelled out as words...
13:51..using letters?
13:52Surely letters ought to be the smallest unit of lexicography, shouldn't they?
13:59I mean, I can see in the case of H, it makes some sense, doesn't it?
14:02That's teaching us the correct pronunciation for the letter H.
14:06But what are we doing, wasting paper and ink in dictionaries,
14:11having words such as R, which is the letter R,
14:15and C, which does not have a C in it,
14:18and is the letter C. This way lies madness, doesn't it?
14:23If somebody said to you tonight, how do you spell H,
14:26I'm pretty sure everyone in this room could very confidently tell them
14:29that it is A-I-T-C-H.
14:32But then that person could go, right, and how are you spelling that?
14:36And you'd have to go, well, that's A-I-T-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-C-H.
14:43Can I have a quick spell check on that?
14:49Absolutely. And you can see how this could rapidly spiral into madness,
14:55from here to here and on to here and even beyond, ladies and gentlemen.
14:59Nobody needs to be spelling that out, do they? Nobody. Nobody.
15:03It's A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-C-H.
15:18And good luck to anyone watching this show with subtitles.
15:20Now, what do you think about this is?
15:22APPLAUSE
15:24Think... think about where this leads us.
15:28You follow this idea down the rabbit hole, ladies and gentlemen,
15:31you will discover, as I have, this means that the alphabet
15:34is not in alphabetical order.
15:39What's H doing over there?
15:41Surely it should be over there, shouldn't it?
15:43And R, that begins with an A as well.
15:45That should be up there, shouldn't it?
15:47Now, B, you'll be glad to know, is not moving anywhere
15:49because that is B double E, that is exactly where it needs to be.
15:52That is A-OK, but what about C, ladies and gentlemen?
15:55C doesn't even have a C in it, does it?
15:58It begins with an S, so it needs to be down there between the S and the T.
16:02Now, I've left that little space up there, ladies and gentlemen,
16:04because there is another letter that begins with C, and that is, of course, Q.
16:07So, let's throw that one up there like so, ladies and gentlemen.
16:11Now, D isn't moving. D is exactly where it needs to be.
16:15That is D double E, so that's dandy, isn't it?
16:17But there is another letter that begins with a D,
16:19and I know some of you are trying to work out what it is.
16:20Some of you have got there. That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
16:22And, of course, W. So, let's throw that one up there like so.
16:26Now, E doesn't have any alternative spelling.
16:29It is only ever the single letter E, but the phoneme that the E makes,
16:34the E sound, you can hear that at the beginning of many of the letters
16:38in our alphabet, can't you? You can hear it in your F and your L
16:42and your M and your N and your S and your X,
16:45all of which are unsurprisingly spelled with an E at the front of them.
16:48So, let's throw all of those up there and tidy it up a bit like so.
16:52We have basically now done the job at this point.
16:54There's always a few suspicious souls out there thinking maybe G is
16:57spelt with a J, but it's not. Maybe U is spelt with a Y, but it's not.
17:00Maybe Y is spelt with a W, but it's not, ladies and gentlemen.
17:03They are all now in the right place, and I can see the looks on your faces
17:07tonight, ladies and gentlemen. You're thinking,
17:09Bloody hell, Dave. How the hell are we supposed to remember
17:12the correct alphabetical order? And that's simple, isn't it?
17:17You just need a handy little mnemonic to guide you, yeah?
17:21I'll give you mine as a little free gift. All you've got to remember is,
17:24after heating Ready Bread quickly, don't worry, even fluids like milk
17:27needs some xanthan gum. It just keeps ordinary porridge,
17:29consistently tasty, utterly viscous, yet zesty. That's a lie.
17:32Take that. Run with it. Free gift from me. Free gift.
17:35There is, of course, another way of remembering it, isn't there?
17:41And that is the song, yeah? I know you all know the song.
17:45You've just been singing the wrong blooming words most of your life,
17:48haven't you? Let's run through it once together, just to help cement
17:51this information in our brains. Join in as soon as you feel ready,
17:56which will, of course, be immediately because the words are on the screen.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01So, here we go. A, H, R, B, Q, D, W, E, F, L, M, N, S, X, G, I, J, K, O, P, C, T, U, V, Y, and Z.
18:19Now I know my A-H-R
18:23I am sure that I'll go far
18:29Oh, absolutely! Absolutely! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:34And Connolly says, I can't sing.
18:37That was a good effort, folks.
18:39And I know it quite well at this stage,
18:41and the quick bit in the middle, the NSXGI,
18:43still throws my brain a loop.
18:45It's hard because you don't even remember learning the ABC song.
18:48When something is that hard-wired,
18:50it's very hard for your brain to do it any other way.
18:53Think about what that means.
18:55Once upon a time, you didn't know the ABC song,
18:58and learning it was relatively easy.
19:01Today, if you had virgin brains untouched by knowledge of the ABC song,
19:06then today, learning the A-H-R song
19:09would also be incredibly easy, wouldn't it?
19:12And that's what I mean when I say
19:14you've got to find ways of making homeschooling fun.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:21What I'm saying is...
19:24What I'm saying is I've had quite a lot of emails from the school.
19:28What I'm saying is behind every headline
19:30there's always a human story that needs to be told.
19:33I'll see you after the break.
19:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:40Welcome back to Modern Life is Goodish, ladies and gentlemen.
19:51Now, I'd like to start this part of the show with a bit of advice.
19:55I think it's good advice for anyone, but I'm really thinking of men of a certain age.
19:59There's something I think you should get.
20:01I've got one, and it really has put a bit of a spring in my step
20:04and got the blood pumping.
20:05What it is, I really recommend getting one for yourselves,
20:08is, er...
20:09a nemesis.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:12You can get them online these days.
20:14That's where I've got mine, online.
20:16I'm a little wary of explaining to you how I came to get my nemesis
20:20because I am aware that it involves going into a world
20:22that some of you will be a little bit resistant to.
20:25It happened, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of the cryptic crossword.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:31And there it is.
20:32I feel the pushback immediately.
20:34Don't talk to me about crosswords, Dave.
20:36It's a load of gobbledygook.
20:37It's code and I don't understand it.
20:38It's not for me.
20:39And I know why some of you think that.
20:41You've picked up a copy of The Guardian on your train home one day,
20:43haven't you?
20:44You've seen the cryptic on the back page and you've seen a clue.
20:46Like that one, for example.
20:48Problem for Francesco.
20:49The French eating eg nice old copper nut left.
20:52Ugh!
20:53That is an ugly old word salad, right?
20:56There it is.
20:57That is gibberish.
20:58And because you think all clues look like that,
21:00you think these things aren't for you.
21:02But they don't actually look like that.
21:04And if you think they do, that is blind prejudice on your part.
21:07I had to use Photoshop to make a clue look like that.
21:11Real clues should sound like perfectly reasonable sentences.
21:15That clue is actually problem for driver scrambling to reverse.
21:20Which, like all of the other clues in this excellent puzzle from the setter,
21:23Brendan, is a perfectly cogent sentence, isn't it?
21:26I think your confusion lies in the fact that you don't understand
21:30how a seemingly ordinary sentence is supposed to guide you to put one word
21:35in a crossword grid.
21:36So I'm going to explain how they work.
21:38I do this simply to give you the information you need
21:41in order to follow a story set in cryptic crossword land.
21:45And I will do it against the clock, ladies and gentlemen.
21:48I need someone I can trust on the front row.
21:50I'll give you the stopwatch.
21:51OK.
21:52Go.
21:53There are two parts to a standard cryptic crossword clue.
21:56You will get a definition exactly the same as a non-cryptic clue,
21:59but you'll also get some wordplay to help you.
22:01They could be in that order, but they could also be in this order.
22:03The important thing is that there will be a definition at one end
22:06or the other.
22:07So let's have a look at a clue you've already seen.
22:09Problem for driver scrambling to reverse.
22:10The definition could be problem or it could be reverse,
22:13but it doesn't have to be just one word, it could also be a phrase.
22:15So maybe the definition is scrambling to reverse,
22:17or maybe it's problem for driver.
22:19When you've worked out where the join is,
22:21and in this case that is where it is,
22:22you know that the rest of the clue is your wordplay.
22:25Now you've effectively got two different clues
22:27that both lead to the same answer.
22:28You can solve either of them
22:30and then use the other to corroborate it.
22:32Now let's have a look at the wordplay here.
22:33What is the word scrambling doing?
22:35It's a literal instruction to you to scramble the letters T-O-R-E-V-E-R-S-E.
22:40And when you scramble them, you can make them into a new word,
22:42for example, oversteer,
22:43which I think we can all see is a nine-letter word
22:46and a pretty good definition for the phrase.
22:48Problem for driver, stop.
22:49How did I do?
22:5057, sir.
22:51So, ladies and gentlemen,
22:52in under a minute you now all understand
22:54the rudiments of cryptic crosswords.
22:57Which means...
22:58..which means you know enough
23:02to follow a story set in cryptic crossword land.
23:05And here's the thing.
23:07A few years ago, quite by accident,
23:09I became a professional cryptic crossword setter.
23:12I now set cryptic crosswords for the independent newspaper
23:15using the pseudonym Bluth,
23:17for the Daily Telegraph using the pseudonym Django,
23:20and for the Guardian using the pseudonym Fed.
23:22I know that is a lot to take in,
23:24but back off, Guardian.
23:25We don't need to know.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27What I didn't realise when I became a setter
23:30was that just as you get reviews in this game,
23:33you also get reviews in the cryptic crossword game.
23:36There is a website called 15 Squared.
23:38Every day it reviews the cryptic crosswords published
23:41in the Independent, the Guardian and the Financial Times.
23:43It's got a little bit of blurb at the top of each page
23:45explaining what they thought of the crossword.
23:47Then they go through the puzzle, clue by clue,
23:49explaining how they all work.
23:51Then, beneath that, there is a section where members of the public
23:54can leave their thoughts and comments.
23:57And as you can see, on the occasion of my first published puzzle,
24:0157 people did just that.
24:04And it is amongst those 57 people we will find my nemesis.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11She wasn't my nemesis immediately.
24:13She was just someone who didn't like my first crossword,
24:16and she is entitled to not like my first crossword.
24:18I'm not so thin-skinned.
24:20I can't take a bit of criticism.
24:21That's absolutely fine.
24:23Her name is Jane, and I bear her no ill will.
24:27Her first comment begins,
24:28Sorry, Bluth!
24:30I really would like to say something positive,
24:32to which I think, would you really, Jane?
24:34LAUGHTER
24:36But she is entitled to criticise, and do you know what?
24:38I've been doing the job a little while now,
24:40and with a bit of hindsight, I can look back on that first crossword
24:43and I can see that one of those clues was genuinely
24:46crap, whichever way you look at it. It really was.
24:48This is the one I'm thinking about, that one there.
24:50Crap, whichever way you look at it.
24:51Now, what's going on here?
24:54I'll tell you what's going on here.
24:55The answer to that one is poop.
24:57Why is it poop?
24:58It literally means crap, whichever way you look at it.
25:02This is one of the clues that Jane didn't like,
25:05ladies and gentlemen, but there were others.
25:07Oh.
25:08There were others, as you can see.
25:10She goes on to say,
25:11But I was turned off immediately by the double dose of bog paper,
25:15the zit and the crap.
25:18You've seen the crap clue, ladies and gentlemen.
25:20I'll show you the other three clues.
25:22I'll be honest.
25:23I do understand that there are people who don't want to see
25:25the word crap in their newspaper.
25:27I get that.
25:28But I confess to being surprised that anyone is upset by spot,
25:31bums and bog paper.
25:33But then we have to remember that Jane is the sort of person
25:36who puts inverted commas around the phrase turned off.
25:39Jane has to make it perfectly clear that that is a metaphorical turned off.
25:44She was turned off, so to speak.
25:46She clearly doesn't want anyone to think she was literally turned off,
25:50because then they'd have to contemplate that prior to doing my crossword,
25:54she was literally turned off.
25:56She doesn't want anyone to misinterpret her comment as meaning,
26:00your crossword put me off my wank.
26:02So, there we go.
26:03Now, which one of us has got a mucky mind, Jane?
26:06It's you, not me.
26:07It's you.
26:08Jane wasn't my nemesis at this point.
26:11If anything, I was upset that I'd upset someone.
26:14I wouldn't want to upset anyone.
26:16And when her comment ended saying,
26:18I'll try again with your next offering,
26:20I distinctly remember thinking,
26:22I'd really rather you didn't, Jane.
26:25And I'll tell you for why.
26:27On the day that my first crossword was published,
26:29my second and third had already been accepted.
26:32And I think if you're offended by bog paper zit and crap,
26:36you're going to find clues such as
26:38warning whore regularly found on livestream.
26:41Just a little bit too rich for your blood.
26:45I was right in thinking that Jane would be offended by my second crossword.
26:49I was wrong in thinking that that would be the clue that did it.
26:52The clue that upset her was actually this one, H down.
26:55C7 are made poorly eating supermarket crabs, for example.
26:59Why would that upset anyone?
27:01Perfectly innocent sentence, isn't it?
27:03Let's have a little look at it and see if we can work out what's going on.
27:07Let's take those first three words, C7R.
27:10You can see the clue tells us they have been made poorly.
27:14Or constructed badly.
27:16So let's construct them badly.
27:18Now let's make them eat something.
27:20What are they eating? A supermarket.
27:21Which supermarket?
27:22Aldi, giving us venereal disease.
27:24Or crabs, for example.
27:26It's as simple as that.
27:28It's as simple as that.
27:29It's as simple as that.
27:30Jane was not happy.
27:37I was beginning to despair that anyone else was bothered by eight down.
27:42To be honest, had I spotted it earlier in the solve, I'd have ditched the puzzle forthwith.
27:47It isn't clever.
27:48It is.
27:49And it's not even vaguely amusing.
27:50It is.
27:51Look at all these people laughing, Jane.
27:52Every one of them.
27:53It is.
27:54It's proven.
27:55And yet it's apparently one of the mainstays of the compilation.
27:59Not for me, Bluth.
28:00But thanks anyway.
28:01Always unfailingly polite while clutching her pearls was Jane.
28:04I was upset that I was upsetting someone.
28:06So I genuinely did try and clean up what I was doing.
28:08But it wasn't enough.
28:09Things would sneak through my checking process.
28:10This one.
28:11This one.
28:12This one.
28:13This one.
28:14This one.
28:15This one.
28:16This one.
28:17This one.
28:18This one.
28:19This one.
28:20This one.
28:21This one.
28:22This one.
28:23This one.
28:24This one.
28:25This one.
28:26This one.
28:27The wrong checking process.
28:28This one.
28:29Weeps dropping back into doctors.
28:31I failed to spot that it's another poo clue.
28:34It's the dropping.
28:35It's the dropping that does it.
28:36The dropping I had in mind was an animal dropping.
28:39It's poo, isn't it?
28:40And this poo is going backwards and it's going into the doctors giving us the word droops,
28:46which the dictionary confirms is a perfectly fair definition for the word weeps.
28:51Jane didn't like it.
28:53Ladies and gentlemen.
28:54I've yet to make my mind up about this setter.
28:57I think we all know that's not cock-in-truth.
28:59LAUGHTER
29:00Made her mind up very quickly, as far as I can tell.
29:03And one across didn't get me off.
29:05Oh, Jane, not again.
29:07Not again, Jane!
29:09Sorry, sorry, sorry. To a good start, that's fine.
29:12Sorry, sorry, Jane.
29:14It felt like every single time I was published,
29:16she'd be there, having a bloody go.
29:18Oh, quite enjoyed this one.
29:20Once I'd got past the seemingly obligatory lavatorial reference
29:23and the prostitutes.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26There was nothing I could do to please this woman.
29:29Now, in some ways, I have a great deal of sympathy for Jane here,
29:33and there is an argument that maybe the crossword should be a haven,
29:36a little oasis of calm in the corner of your paper,
29:39which is already full of so much crap, isn't it?
29:42Especially in recent times, quite literally,
29:45given we have been dumping raw sewage into our rivers and our seas.
29:50This has been a big story for some time now, hasn't it?
29:52You can imagine the upset all of this has caused.
29:55One company even claimed that the public has no right to swim in the sea.
30:00Oh, you can imagine the wild swimming community in particular
30:04got very worked up about that.
30:06I sometimes go swimming in sewage myself,
30:08but only in a metaphorical sense.
30:11By which I mean I sometimes find myself spending hours
30:14reading the comment sections beneath stories such as these.
30:18That's what I've done with these stories, ladies and gentlemen,
30:20and I've taken my favourite of those comments
30:22and turned them into something that I like to call a found poem,
30:26that I would like to perform for you now.
30:30While all the pollution is clearly appalling,
30:35the one good thing to come of this would be an end to wild swimming.
30:41When I was a lad, we just called it swimming.
30:44LAUGHTER
30:46In a time when most towns have perfectly decent swimming baths,
30:49I am wondering why so many people want to swim in rivers anyway.
30:53Having looked at the sort of people who do it,
30:55I suspect the main reason is that it is free.
30:59LAUGHTER
31:00Why don't people just pop to their local baths
31:03and leave the rivers to take our ordures away,
31:06as nature intended?
31:08Call me old-fashioned,
31:10but I don't mind a bit of crap in the rivers.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:13They're dirty anyway.
31:16But I draw the line at it going in the sea.
31:18LAUGHTER
31:20Swimming in rivers isn't something normal people do.
31:25It's something normal people tell their dogs to stop doing.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:29Swimming in the sea, however,
31:32is a normal thing that normal people do.
31:35On holiday.
31:36LAUGHTER
31:38Water, water everywhere,
31:40and not a drop to drink.
31:43So said a famous poet once.
31:46I don't know which one,
31:49but it makes you think.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:52Fish can't pop to the local baths.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:55Why won't anyone think of the fish?
31:57LAUGHTER
31:59I can see why people think having sewage in our rivers is a bad thing,
32:04but has anyone stopped to ask where else it should go?
32:07Before we had water companies,
32:10our wee and poo still existed.
32:12And I'll bet you a pound to a penny that most of it ended up in the water.
32:15We should be giving Thames water a pat on the back
32:18for the amount of sewage they don't put in the water.
32:21LAUGHTER
32:22Not complaining about the amount they do.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:25I don't eat fish.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:31Nature, as always, has provided the solution.
32:35Cucumbers!
32:37LAUGHTER
32:38They're 96% water.
32:42And more importantly, they're free.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:48LAUGHTER
32:50I don't eat cucumbers.
32:55LAUGHTER
32:56It's odd to think that humans are the only animals to have toilets,
33:01apart from cats.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06Newsflash.
33:07Fish poo in rivers.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:10If fish won't think of the fish, why should I?
33:13LAUGHTER
33:15Where on earth do you think seawater comes from?
33:19Rivers flow into seas.
33:21Water is water, is life.
33:25LAUGHTER
33:26Actually, rivers flow into lakes.
33:29LAUGHTER
33:30It is rain that fills the seas.
33:33That's why seas are salty.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:37APPLAUSE
33:39For Bill Ross, drink your tech, ladies and gentlemen.
33:43I'll see you after the break.
33:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:47Welcome back to Modern Life is Goodish,
33:59where, before I was distracted by rivers of filth,
34:02I was telling you about how I got a nemesis.
34:05But we never actually got to the point where Jane became my nemesis.
34:09I genuinely started off feeling upset that I was upsetting her.
34:13But there is a moment on which my relationship with Jane turned.
34:17Now, initially, I was just setting crosswords for The Independent,
34:20but after a little while, I received a message from someone
34:23at The Daily Telegraph saying,
34:25we're enjoying your puzzles, would you fancy crossing the floor
34:27and writing some for us as well?
34:29And I said, yeah, absolutely I will.
34:31As much as anything, because The Daily Telegraph
34:33is not reviewed on 15 squared.
34:37That's just The Independent, The Guardian and The FT.
34:40I thought it'd be nice to have a puzzle published one day
34:42and not have Jane jumping up and down
34:44and calling me out as a reprobate, wouldn't it?
34:47What I didn't realise when I said yes,
34:49is there is another website that reviews every crossword
34:52ever published in The Bloody Daily Telegraph, isn't it?
34:55And that website, ladies and gentlemen, is called
34:57Big Dave's Crossword Blog.
34:59No relation.
35:01Now, before my first Telegraph puzzle was published,
35:04they asked me to write an article about becoming a setter,
35:07which I did.
35:08And as I'm sure you can imagine,
35:10that set off a thread of conversation
35:12within Big Dave's Crossword Blog.
35:15And who the hell do you think turned up in that conversation,
35:19ladies and gentlemen?
35:21You're not wrong, of course she bloomin' did.
35:24Oh, I couldn't find anything in The Daily Telegraph
35:26about Dave Gorman coming in as a new compiler.
35:28Please tell me it's not true.
35:30And when my first puzzle was published,
35:33it wasn't long before she showed up again saying,
35:36I always expect this setter's puzzles to be peppered
35:39with references to bodily functions,
35:41football teams and so forth.
35:43bodily functions, football teams and so forth.
35:50I don't think the whole of the world has decided that football
35:55and bodily functions naturally both reside in the same ugly category
36:00of things polite society doesn't talk about at the dinner table,
36:03have they?
36:04You can't just make things bedfellows by putting them together in a sentence
36:08and adding an and so forth, can you?
36:10If I said to you all, oh, I always expect this setter's puzzles
36:13to be peppered with references to knitting and racism and so on,
36:17you know immediately that's not right, don't you?
36:20That's not fair on the knitters of the world, is it?
36:23Or the racists?
36:25It's not fair.
36:27I think that's a little bit revealing.
36:29Am I alone in detecting the faintest whiff of snobbery here?
36:33I think she's the sort of person who was offended
36:35by the venereal disease clue, not because it mentioned venereal disease,
36:38but because it mentioned Aldi and not Waitrose.
36:42Rightly or wrongly, I thought I'd seen who she was at that point.
36:46And once my imagination had painted Jane as a snob,
36:50I found my whole attitude changed.
36:53Instead of being upset that I was upsetting her,
36:56I started enjoying upsetting her.
36:59With a bit of hindsight,
37:01I can see now that I was maybe not completely stable at this point.
37:06I had become obsessed with her.
37:09I don't think I would have said so at the time.
37:11I think if you'd asked me at the time,
37:12I would have told you that she was obsessed with me.
37:15But that's because I was obsessed with her.
37:17In my head, and I knew not to say this out loud to anyone,
37:20I thought she was sort of flirting with me.
37:23You know, in that way when boys are very young
37:26and they end up pulling a girl's pigtails in the playground,
37:28it's because they're emotionally underdeveloped
37:30and they don't know how to get attention.
37:32I sort of thought she was metaphorically pulling my pigtails.
37:35I was self-aware enough to know that if I said that out loud,
37:39it would make me sound like I was disappearing at my own fundament,
37:41so I very much kept these thoughts to myself.
37:44But I discovered that I wasn't the only person who thought it.
37:47A very good friend of mine, he sent me a WhatsApp one day saying,
37:50Just seen Jane's latest.
37:53I think she may be trying to pull.
37:55She's in love with you.
37:58And I sent him a reply saying,
38:00Ha! That looks like a clue.
38:04Because it does, doesn't it?
38:06Look at the wording he's used there.
38:08She may be trying to pull.
38:09She's in love with you.
38:11That feels very clue-y to me, don't you think?
38:13It's not quite fair on the solver who doesn't know the backstory, is it?
38:17It's not really fair just saying she and you.
38:20Let's take those out.
38:21If we take the she and the you out and replace them with, say,
38:24Jane and comedian,
38:27that feels fairer immediately, doesn't it?
38:30Little tip for you here, if you're writing a crossword clue,
38:33try and have as few words as possible, OK?
38:35Right now, we're wasting two words by having may and be separately, aren't we?
38:40We could just squish them together, make them one word.
38:43That's going to make things a little bit tighter, just in a small way.
38:46Also, another tip for you, try and avoid full stops if you can.
38:49We've got a full stop there, but we don't need it, do we?
38:52We could remove that, and if we do, I think we could lose the she's
38:55that follows it as well.
38:57Just put a dash in instead, it'll make it into one sentence.
38:59Look at that.
39:00Jane may be trying to pull in love with comedian.
39:02It means exactly the same thing, and it really has started to feel
39:05like a clue now, hasn't it?
39:07That's really feeling very clue-y.
39:10So I had that one published in The Independent.
39:12Now...
39:13LAUGHTER
39:15I know that you are now all able to solve that,
39:18and you can all see that the answer to that clue is clearly Russell Howard.
39:22But that's not important.
39:23LAUGHTER
39:24Not important right now.
39:25The message in this clue was in the clue, not in the solution.
39:29Now, I will never know what was actually going on in Jane's world
39:32that day, but I'll tell you this.
39:34On this puzzle, she did not comment.
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40I don't know what that was, but in my head, that was her going,
39:43Shit, he's seen me!
39:44LAUGHTER
39:46I will never know the truth.
39:48And while Jane was still not yet my nemesis,
39:51I think my obsession with her was growing.
39:53It was no longer just about my puzzles and Jane,
39:56this was about all puzzles and Jane.
39:59Every time I was doing a crossword,
40:01if I was solving a clue that was a little bit salty,
40:03my first thought became,
40:05Oh, can't wait to see what Jane's got to say about this one.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:09One day, I was doing a crossword in The Independent
40:11by a man called Hoskins.
40:12It was, I say without fear of contradiction,
40:14the filthiest crossword I have ever seen in all my days.
40:18I could not believe what I was looking at.
40:21I will start with the soft stuff,
40:23but trust me, we're going to get a lot darker very quickly.
40:25Have a look at this, ladies and gentlemen.
40:27Oh, ready for a spanking, mind your own business.
40:30Bit of cheeky S&M in The Independent Cryptic Crossword.
40:34I promise you're darker.
40:35How about this?
40:36Bishop up for sex and crack takes the biscuit.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:40A man of the cloth.
40:42A bishop, no less, taking hard drugs and getting his dick wet.
40:46Oh, my life, Hoskins.
40:47You are pushing the envelope now, aren't you?
40:49There is more, ladies and gentlemen.
40:51Out of head, Scandinavians and boozers.
40:53Dot, dot, dot.
40:54Very nice clue.
40:55Dot, dot, dot.
40:56Hooking up and having sex.
40:57We've got drunken Scandinavian swingers.
41:00S&M.
41:01A bishop taking hard narcotics and getting his end away.
41:04And just when you think he has plumbed the depths,
41:06he goes even further, ladies and gentlemen.
41:08Part of the body pervert has a goose.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:13The sexual assault of barnyard animals, ladies and gentlemen.
41:18And just when you think Hoskins has done all he can
41:23to wallow in the filth of bodily functions,
41:26he puts the cherry on top of this particular cake
41:28by also including football and so forth.
41:31LAUGHTER
41:33I finished this puzzle.
41:36I rushed straight to 15 squared to see what Jane had to say.
41:39Was Jane in the comment section that day?
41:41You bet your sweet patootie she was in the comment section that day.
41:44Oh, nice to see a few flashes of the old Harry in this one.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:50And a relief to discover that I wasn't alone
41:52in not knowing the football term.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56Quite a lot of ticks on my sheet.
41:59Shrug, butt out, let off and glad rags, all getting a mention.
42:06No complaints from me today.
42:08LAUGHTER
42:19This is when I've got a fucking nemesis!
42:22LAUGHTER
42:24How fucking dare you!
42:27Are you genuinely trying to convince me
42:32there is anyone on this earth who genuinely thinks,
42:36oh, you've crossed a line there, young fellow, my laddie,
42:39but also think that that's A-OK, is there?
42:42LAUGHTER
42:44Am I actually expected to believe
42:46someone is operating within a moral framework
42:48that says, oh, that's going too bloody far,
42:51but that's a fucking bullseye, is it?
42:53LAUGHTER
42:55I'm sorry, Jane, did my toilet roll put you off your goosefuck?
42:59LAUGHTER
43:00APPLAUSE
43:09And now...
43:10LAUGHTER
43:11..I've offended myself.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for watching.
43:16Good night.
43:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:19A fun Basic
43:38I'm proud to say you're going too small.
43:39Hey, ah, ah, ah...
43:41Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi...
43:42Mission Sharp, you're looking clean, look...
43:43...like, walk because of y'all
43:44You're so happy and truly like this different...
43:46You've never seen me nothing.
43:47Transcription by CastingWords
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